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#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree
hella1975
·
1 year
Text
im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT
#but also i just. cannot hack it
#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also
#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently
#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good
#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home
#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN
#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum
#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job
#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good
#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications
#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'
#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no
#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set
#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through
#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through
#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL
#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there
#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree
#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use
#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person
#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer
#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly
#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident
#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)
#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments
#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it
#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment
#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up
#hella goes to uni
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