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clubdionysus · 24 days

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[BAD DECISION #21] Doing The 'Right' Thing

warnings: christmas is upon us! secret santa, yay!! jiyeong, booo! no major warnings! the arrival of b's bird hehe. some of my fave jimin parts are in this lol (he's one of my faves)

soundtrack: touch - keshi

wc: 10.1k

bd total wc: 540k (ongoing)

AO3 | MASTERLIST | MINORS DNI

An emptiness echoes down your apartment corridor, dim lights flickering above you, as you make your way home after practically running away from Jeongguk's bed.

A new bulb has been needed for a couple of weeks now, but your landlord doesn't care enough to change it. As long as the electricity runs and the water flows through taps, he thinks all is fair. Sure, you could change it - but Danbi gives you a firm 'why on earth would you do that?' every single time you suggest it.

It's for this reason - the shrouded darkness and the bleary hungover eyes - that you almost think you're seeing things as you notice an object by your apartment door.

A bouquet. White roses. An easy dozen, of which you'll undoubtedly count as soon as you're close enough. The stems are emerald green, fresh and perfectly picked to construct the most beautiful arrangement you think you've ever seen.

Poised and pristine, they look out of place in your apartment block - but you know they'll look right at home on your kitchen counter in the vase Danbi stole from her family home a couple of holiday seasons ago (you'd just been using a pint glass beforehand (again, stolen by Danbi's nimble fingers, just from your local pub instead of her mother's kitchen cupboard)).

You tell yourself it's strange. Let your head whisper little lies as white as the rose petals, telling you that you can't imagine who'd be sending either of you flowers. Perhaps Tae for Danbi? A secret admirer?

But you know. You know who picked them out, who sent them directly to your door. You know who always chose the black and white design of the minimalist greeting card wedged in between the flowers.

You know, because you got these flowers a week after your first date with him . Got them after the fifth date, just because. You got them on your birthday. Valentines. First anniversary.

You got them, again, after that one argument when you'd sworn down he tasted like latex, which was strange, because protection had been off the cards for months by that point. You trusted him.

The last time you got them was a week after the breakup. Again, just because. Just so you knew he was thinking of you. Asshole .

And so you don't check the card. Just pick up the pot they're prettily displayed in, and type your door code in with a sigh. You lean your shoulder against the heavy steel to open it up, a little exhausted by the events of the night and the emotional labour you know looking at those flowers will have on you.

They're too pretty to throw away, mind you - and when you look at Danbi's mother's vase, you're sad to see the flowers given to you by Jeongguk in the sanctuary of his favourite cafe are now withered and pathetic. The water has all but evaporated away, and rogue leaves lay by the base of their glass holder. Shame.

What once were the most fantastic wild blooms are now skeletons of their former selves.

S'what you get for tearing the stems from their life source. How can you ever expect them to thrive in hostile conditions?

And so Jins's roses will take pride of place in your home, and you'll pretend not to care.

They'll replace what was left to wither by Jeongguk, and you'll ignore the fact it was you who should have tried harder to keep them alive.

Congratulations on the art show. Proud to see your progression. Sorry I couldn't be there. J x reads his calling card - and as much as you know you should really tear it up and feed it to the recycling bin, you can't bring yourself to. It's stuck on the fridge beneath a 'Welcome to Vietnam' magnet purchased in the airport during a layover, not because you've ever actually visited the country.

It'll stay there for months. Danbi won't think to discard it, and you'll forget that you ever put it there.

In fact, you don't notice it again until a few weeks later as you're rushing around, running late for dinner, grabbing a bottle of fizz from the fridge.

The flowers have all dried up now, tossed in the trash, and the vase is empty. They lasted not even a week before they began to wilt. Typical of Seokjin, you had supposed at the time. Permanence isn't his thing.

Slamming the fridge door shut, you don't have a chance to even consider getting rid of the note - but you do think that you should, and that's something at least. It's not like you've heard from him since that night.

Hell, you've barely heard from Jeongguk.

Little messages here and there have been exchanged, but nothing substantial. Nothing that addresses the night you spent in his bed. In fact, you're pretty sure he's been spending his nights in someone else's bed recently.

It's not an unfathomable thought to have. It's been about a month since you set up his blind date, and Jiyeong is apparently doing the hardest soft launch known to man. It's not even subtle at this point. Her Instagram stories - of which constantly seem to be updating - are littered with the essence of Jeongguk.

Mugs from the ceramic painting place were the first clue. A selfie of her in his jacket, the second. The third was a blurry club photo of a hand you wished you didn't recognise so well loosely holding onto hers in the midst of a crowd. You wonder if it was taken on the night of the art show, or if they've been clubbing together since that night, just the two of them.

You forget the fourth, and the fifth, and the sixth, and now there's been so many damn stories you've lost count. Just know that the most recent one was a mirror selfie from the gym, carefully cropped so that the guy who had been spotting her was out of frame - but his tattooed arm? Yeah . She'd left that in.

You wonder whose company he prefers in the gym, and know that it's hers. At least that way he can actually properly work out. You're aware he'll get glares of jealousy from the gym bros who have a thing for Jiyeong, unlike the confused stares of the same gym bros who had wondered why the fuck a muscle rat like Jeongguk was wasting time on cardio with a girl who preferred sitting on a stationary treadmill rather than running on it.

Danbi had laughed at your scowl when you stumbled across the story a few days ago. Told you to be careful. "If the wind changes, your face will get stuck like that."

Good , you thought. Maybe it should. Then Jeongguk would permanently be reminded of how insufferable you find this whole situation.

You couldn't care less about the fact he's dating. Couldn't care less for the fact he's dating her - hell, you'd been the one to set it up! What is bothering you is how quiet he's been. It feels like you've barely spoken to him all month - but rational thinking seems to go out of the window when it comes to him.

See, the thing, Jeongguk's silence? His avoidance of you?

It doesn't exist.

In your head, maybe, but not in reality. You're orchestrating some great loss for no good reason.

There's been no real change to how he communicates with you. He still messages you just as much. He'd sent you a tinyURL link just the day before just to disguise what he was really sending you - the breadfish website. It was like being rickrolled in the big year of 2022. Made you smile like a fucking idiot behind the desk of the art cafe. Hobi had looked at you like you had three heads when the song echoed into the room.

But you simply added a laugh reaction emoji to Jeongguk's message and locked your phone as if it hadn't made your day.

You're the one avoiding him .

And - fucking hell - you'd only seen him four days ago! Had gone for a post-gym coffee walk. Had spoken about everything - the science of pollination, your favourite supermarkets (Homeplus reigned supreme), the best song of 2009 (which had ended in the promise of a noraebang battle, because you couldn't decide between fireflies (even though Jeongguk couldn't remember owlcity's name) or good girls go bad (which also resulted in you explaining Gossip Girl lore he never asked for)) - and anything... everything and anything... apart from Jiyeong. You didn't mention her. Nor did he.

It's not like you've mentioned sharing a bed with him that one night either, so avoiding uncomfortable topics isn't entirely unheard of.

Thing is, you've both been pretending like things are absolutely normal. Still grab coffee together, still send each other dumb raccoon memes, still look for each other on Friday nights in the dark shadows of Dionysus.

The way you see it, if you don't make a big deal of things, they don't have to be a big deal. You've downplayed it all. Pretended like there hasn't been a weight on your chest since you left his apartment that morning.

That's one difference, you guess. You've not returned to his since.

That's what you're really missing; the sanctuary nurtured with Jeongguk in the confines of his room. Home away from home. 'The kids'.

But your head's all frazzled, and you've been trying not to focus on it too much. Just continue lying to yourself, as if an Oscar is dependent on your performance. You've gotten so good at acting as if you're happy with the current set up, you're managing to fool everyone - including yourself.

Hurrying down the stairs of your apartment, you know that your acting skills have to be on top form tonight. Can't be letting the pesky mask slip. Have worn extra glitter to keep it in place.

Jimin waits by the end of your road, engine running, eyes shamelessly on you as you head up the street towards him.

It's late December, and the shop windows are full of well-wishes for the upcoming festivities and special offers for last-minute gifts.

In your bag, you're carrying a bottle of whisky for Yoongi and a luxury bath bomb set for Seoyeon. You've no idea if the whisky is any good, but it was on the top shelf, so you're hoping it's alright. As for the bath bombs, they're your favourite (and will leave Seoyeon with a sheen of your signature glitter all over her skin afterwards), so you're not so worried about them.

The presents are more to say 'thank you' for hosting the Christmas Eve dinner, and less so intended to be actual gifts. As a rule, to make life a little easier for everyone, Secret Santa had been organised a few weeks prior. No other gifts allowed - but not taking something for the hosts felt wrong.

Seoyeon had sorted everything out for Secret Santa, so it really had been stress-free.

Yours (intended for Jimin) has been wrapped for the best part of a week and is ready to go. It sits snug in your bag, between Yoongi's whisky and your own bottle of vodka - it is Christmas, after all. The bottle of fizz you're holding by the neck? A little extra bit of festive liquid luck.

"Alright?" Jimin greets you with a smile as you pop open the passenger door and slip in beside him. Your bag is popped in the footwell, but you hold onto the prosecco.

"Happy Christmas," you smile - then glance up to check he hasn't put mistletoe above the handbrake. It's all clear. Surprisingly .

"What?" He asks, noticing the way your eyes dart around, but you dismiss his question.

"Just raring to go," you lie - and Jimin can see right through it. Doesn't care too much to ask any further.

He merges into oncoming traffic with ease. He's a smooth driver. Not as fast as Jeongguk, but just as competent. You know you shouldn't compare - but how can you not?

It was supposed to be Jeongguk giving you a lift to The Mins.

Was supposed to be him playing cheesy Christmas tunes and demanding you duet with him for the entire journey.

Was supposed to be him who stopped at a Mcdonald's drive-thru, 'cause he's addicted to the limited edition festive sauce that comes with the cheese bites.

Was supposed to be him who stopped in a side lane just down the road from Yoongi's place, so he could air his car out and make sure you both didn't smell like Maccies, knowing full well The Mins would be cooking up a storm.

Was supposed to be him .

And yet you're having to rely on Jimin - who you haven't seen since you last left his bedroom - to ferry you to Christmas Eve dinner.

It's not that you aren't grateful. Danbi is visiting family, and Hoseok always hangs out with his old school friends on Christmas eve, so you've been looking forward to this for weeks. It's always nice to be surrounded by people you care about, especially at this time of year. Far better than being alone.

"Spoken to Gguk today?" Jimin asks before he even bothers with other formalities. Knows that things have been a little... difficult, lately. Has noticed how antsy Jeongguk has been around the apartment. Short tempered. Impatient. Isn't sure if it's you or Jiyeong making him like this. Maybe both.

You're quiet for a moment as you wait for your phone to connect to his car speaker system. Are both amused and slightly disgusted by the name choice for his car - Park & Ride. A true lothario.

"Nope."

And then you realise that such a definitive answer makes way for a million questions, so you overcompensate.

"No need," you continue with a shrug. "He let me know that he couldn't do today, hence me asking if you could give me a ride - thanks, by the way - but other than that? I think we've both just been busy."

"Yeah," Jimin nods, then thinks, busy ignoring each other . "He actually asked me to give you a ride before you even called, so it's all good. No skin off my back.

"Thank you," you say regardless. "I really appreciate it."

"No bother," he shakes his head. "It's always good to have company - plus Yoongi lives so fucking far out of the city. I get bored alone."

"Well, consider me your very own entertainment system," you grin, as your phone finally connects to his radio system. His car is a lot different to Jeongguk's. No better, no worse. Just not the same.

Jimin doesn't force you to talk about Jeongguk like you half think he will. In fact, it's you who is the first one to mention him again.

"Bringing Jiyeong, isn't he?" You ask, trying to sound nonchalant.

He nods. "Mhmm. She wanted to spend Christmas with him, but he thinks it's too soon. This was his compromise, I guess."

You're silent for a moment, contemplating just what the fuck you've done to everyone's lives by setting him up with Jiyeong. Sure, it's not really a negative change, but it's a change nonetheless. Everyone's lives are affected by this. There'll be an extra seat at the table. Another present for Secret Santa.

Part of you doesn't understand why you're being so dramatic about it all. In the grand scheme of everything, Jiyeong changes nothing. Makes no difference if she's in attendance. The only thing it really changes is how Jeongguk will interact with you.

"That's nice," you say. You really want to mean it.

"Is it?" Jimin asks, his tone just as sincere as yours is trying to be.

"Mhmm," you nod. "It's good he's found someone."

Again, Jimin just asks, "is it?"

"Well, yeah?" You laugh softly. "I know he was hung up on Hayun for a while, so it's good that he's moving on."

Eyes on the road, Jimin smirks and gently shakes his head. "Think we've got different ideas of what 'hooked' means. Dumbass hasn't been hooked on her for months. Quite positively unhooked, if you ask me."

"Oh," you murmur. "Well, either way. It's nice having someone around this time of year."

"Is that what you're after?" He teases, knowing that you'd have had no problem trying to find that for yourself if you really wanted it.

"Couldn't think of anything worse," you grin - and you really do mean it. You've grown selfish in your singledom. Having to factor in someone else's feelings, their needs, their schedule, to your plans would just annoy you, you think.

You neglect to acknowledge how those things come without a second thought when you actually care about someone. It's not a chore, or an obligation. When you're into someone, you factor them in because life is better with them around. You'd rather disrupt your selfish ways to make room for them in your schedule.

"Me either, DB," Jimin agrees. "You're full of shit, though."

"Sorry?" You turn to face him, but his eyes are on the road, a smug smirk on his face.

"You're forgiven."

"No," you laugh. "Sorry as in 'what the fuck?' "

"That's far less polite," Jimin smiles, still, deliberately winding you up.

"So is telling someone they're full of shit!"

"Well, you are!" He laughs, looking up to the rear view mirror before he merges lane. "We both know if Gguk turned around and insisted on doing something that would disrupt your plans-"

"I'd tell him to wait his turn."

Jimin laughs again. "You're a liar."

"And you're a shit-stirrer."

He tilts his head a little, sticking his bottom lip out, as if he's considering your words - before conceding with a nod. "Yeah, you're not wrong. I just don't get the pair of you. Act like you're just friends, set each other up on blind dates, but shag ea-"

"Sorry?" You almost choke the second ' shag ' leaves his mouth.

"Forgiven," he smirks. "Again."

"Not what I meant," you protest. "Again."

"So what?" Jimin teases. "You're gonna pretend like you haven't?"

"We don't shag!" You almost shriek. It's not a lie. At least not anymore. "He's got a- well, I'm not really sure what they are, but it doesn't matter. He's seeing someone."

"So?"

"Oh my god," you say with even more horror than before. "Not everyone sluts themselves out for a quick thrill Jimin."

"True. But I do, and I know you do, too."

"You know no such thing."

"I've fucked you twice."

"Shut up."

"Is this what you're like with him, too?" He teases. It's all in good humour, but Jimin is trying to get under your skin.

Jeongguk wouldn't crack. Had said you'd rested some of your things on his chair when you came to say bye in the morning. Reckons you'd left it by accident.

Jimin's bed had been cold on the side that wasn't his and void of any perfume when he'd woken up. Knows you didn't sleep in his bed - but Jeongguk refused to admit anything, and so Jimin is seeing if you're easier to crack. Doesn't want the truth for truth's sake, but just because he loves being right.

"His skin ain't as thick as mine, poor baby needs a softer approach," Jimin adds. "Hope you're nice to him in bed."

"I've never been in his bed," you roll your eyes. "And poor baby ain't gentle in the slighte-"

"HA! So you are fucking him!"

"No!"

"Been trying to get the truth out of him for weeks," Jimin tells you.

"What truth?" You feign innocence once more.

" What truth? " He mimics, voice high in pitch and whiney - far whinier than you think yours actually is. "You're both as bad as one another. Why was your bra in his room after you fucked me?"

You're silent.

"It's a very simple question," he assures you.

You want to unbuckle your seatbelt, open the car door and roll onto the road. Don't care about the oncoming traffic. Would be far less painful than this conversation.

"The answer is simple, too," you say, deciding that deflection is the best way to go. "You're just not gonna believe anything I say unless it ends in an admission of us fucking."

"True," he concedes. "Look, I don't give a shit if you are. Accidentally gave him crabs once-"

"Sorry?"

"Forgiven," Jimin smirks, before deciding to just carry on with his declaration. "Was years ago, now. It's why he doesn't share towels. Anyways, what I'm saying is that we've shared weirder things."

"I'm not an object," you scoff a little, skipping the song that's softly humming from the speakers to something a little more lively. You're currently listening to some indie artist that Jeongguk had on once while he'd been studying during a hangout, and you don't like the constant reminders of him. The conversation is bad enough as it is.

"Nor were the crabs?"

Jimin, you decide, is one of the most complex people you've ever met. An interior designer with the simplest bedroom known to man; a charming lothario who is just as revolting as he is seductive. You're not really sure how he does it, but he does make you laugh at least. Mainly from confusion, but a laugh is a laugh. It's still enjoyable. He's nice to be around.

You're incompatible, to say the least, but he's fun, which is probably why you didn't mind going for round two - the more you get to know him though, the more you solidify the fact that round three is off the cards.

The rest of the drive goes without another mention of Jeongguk, and whether or not he's seen just as much of you as Jimin has. The man in the driver's seat is intuitive, though, and just knows . Doesn't need you to confirm it. Doesn't need Jeongguk to, either. Is content in his assumptions.

You're pleased to arrive before Jeongguk.

Seoyeon greets you with a hug as warm as a Daegu summer, and Yoongi's smile is just as toasty. Despite the freeze of winter months, the Min's cultivate a warmth that makes even the ondol seem redundant.

Yoongi studies the whisky with an impressed pout and a nod, reading over the label. "Good choice. Want some?"

Shaking your head, you pull out the vodka instead.

"Keep that away from Seoyeon," he jokes, which causes her to zoom back over to the pair of you with an enthusiastic smile.

"Keep what awa- oooh! Vodka," she grins. "Care to share?"

And so Yoongi's warning is redundant, because yes , you really would like to share. It's not that Yoongi doesn't want her drinking, it's just that he knows her like the back of his hand. Vodka always gets her a little too tipsy, and they've still got a meal to serve up - but if he has to take the lead, he'll take it, just so she can let her hair down a little. It's Christmas, after all. A time for celebrating.

Yet when Jeongguk arrives, Jiyeong in toe, you find yourself downing the dregs of your first drink just to wash down your apprehension. Don't feel like celebrating. Feel like commiserating. You've not been around Jeongguk while he's been with Jiyeong since Tae's art show.

Makes you think of the bar. Makes you think of your hand on his thighs in the dark shadows, and the heaviness of his presence behind you in the bathroom, wide eyes on his in the reflection of an aged mirror. Makes you feel guilty .

It's not like anything happened - but you condemn yourself because you know it wasn't right, even if it wasn't exactly wrong.

"Sorry we're late," he says, and it's bizarre how his voice alone settles the ache in your chest. "Traffic was a bitch."

He reaches behind himself for her hand, to guide Jiyeong further into the room. The way she holds it, and how her other hand wraps around his wrist makes you think now would be a great time for another drink. You chalk it up to your disdain for PDA - as if you hadn't watched on with a smile as Yoongi had pressed a tiny kiss against Seoyeon's head while she'd been pouring herself a drink.

PDA doesn't bother you at all. In fact, you'd once argued with Seokjin about the fact he never held your hand in public. Said he didn't like getting clammy palms.

Maybe that's it. Maybe you're jealous of the intimacy.

Jeongguk's made leaps and bounds since the first bird fell - but Jeongguk never had an issue with intimacy. That one was all on you. Trained by Seokjin, you've a lot to unlearn, even now. You weren't done with the birds. Nowhere near close.

Jeongguk's fear of rejection is still just as potent as your intimacy issues, he just masks it well. Lets Jiyeong take the lead. He doesn't reject her, but he doesn't open himself up for rejection either.

He glances over to you and nods, a small smile on his lips. Head to toe in black, he's dressed up a little bit. Is in slacks and a button-up, a leather belt around his waist. Still got his converse on, though. His dainty silver lip ring flips ever so gently, and it's like you've been drinking prosecco this entire time, a little fizz bubbling in your stomach - so you pour yourself a glass of it to disguise the feeling. Hold it up and nod, as if to say some silent cheers or celebration.

Jiyeong catches his gaze. Whispers something in his ear. Diverts his attention - and so you divert your eyes. Engage in conversation with Nabi and Tae - a stupid debate about the best pepero flavour. Tae swears down by the original, but Nabi is an almond girlie. You offend them both when you say you like the 'nude' flavour - where the chocolate is on the inside, the biscuit acting as an outer layer.

"Of all the things I've ever learnt about you, this is by far the worst," Tae tells you with such certainty that you can't help but laugh. Nabi defends you. Tells Tae at least your choice isn't 'boring' like his.

Eventually, as you settle around the dinner table, everyone gets involved, and Jeongguk is the worst offender. Says the cheddar cheese flavour is underrated. Even Jiyeong refuses to defend him, there.

"Right," Tae says in disgust. "Little Miss Nude and Mr Cheddar fucking Cheese, you can both get out. I'm not celebrating Christmas with either of you."

"What?"

"Oh, c'mon!"

You both protest, but Tae refuses to have any of it. It's all in good humour - everyone is laughing, and tipsy grins are on the faces of the people you adore the most. Even Jiyeong seems to be enjoying herself - but she'll only look at Jeongguk. Not you. The joke is only funny because he's involved. If it were just you, she'd probably not find much humour in it.

Nabi is quick to refill both of your drinks throughout the evening.

"Christmas is reserved for being drunk, and drunk only," she tells you with absolute certainty as you dillydally in the kitchen while the rest of your friends continue their conversation around the dinner table. Seeing her out of her shell is nice, so you don't mind her insistence. "It's the true Scots way."

You learn more about her family - Scottish on her dad's side. She'd usually be there for Christmas, but having spent the summer there, she'd opted for Christmas back in Korea, and regrets it. Loves her family dearly, and misses their tradition of getting absolutely blitzed every December. It's not necessarily the 'true Scots way' as she says, but it's her way - getting you guys buzzed is her way of feeling like she's 'home'. It's lovely to be included, you decide.

Her hair is up with a tartan ribbon - Black Watch, she tells you the pattern is. Deep green and dark blue, it couldn't be further from her family's rich red-based tartan - but it didn't match her outfit as well, and she's not too precious about it.

She babbles about her family, and asks about yours. Is just as interested in you as you are in her. There's a warmth to Nabi once she opens up. Despite how cold she'd been the first time you'd met her, it seems as if this is the real Nabi. The standoffish approach is unintentional, and she realises it does her no favours - but makes the friendships formed much more genuine.

Dinner is eaten. Compliments are given to the chefs. Seoyeon and Yoongi battle for the head chef title, but it's redundant because everyone's a little too tipsy for their own good. All you'll remember in the morning is that it was fucking delicious. Might even rival your mother's cooking.

Jeongguk sits on the opposite side of the dinner table, a few seats down from yours. Jiyeong is next to him, closer to you, almost like she wants a barrier.

Or maybe she's just a girl sitting next to the guy she's dating at dinner.

You blame the bitter thoughts on the vodka-induced haze. It's unlike you - but Christmas was always going to be difficult for you. It's the one time of year Seokjin would really pull through. All of your fondest memories with him stem from this season.

You'd grown a little dependent on Jeongguk to alleviate the strain caused by the ghost of Christmas past, but he can't do that now. It's okay, that he can't. He shouldn't. Not if he wants things with Jiyeong to work out - of which he does.

Part of him knows, though, that an argument is brewing. It's in the way Jiyeong stiffens every time you become a focal point of the conversation. How her eyes follow you as you re-enter the room with Nabi, your friendship something she can't understand because she's still on cold-terms with Nabi. Doesn't realise yet it's just how Nabi works - and while you'd been tolerant of it, Jiyeong takes offence.

Her discomfort also shows in her grip on Jeongguk's thigh and how it becomes a little tighter when he laughs at jokes you make. A reminder, he thinks. You're here with me. Pay attention to me.

He can't blame her. They've been dating for a month. This is their first major holiday. Of course she'd want things to go well. To feel special.

Gym sessions have doubled as dates, which has increased the time spent together, but he's also made an effort outside of their common space. They've been for dinner, been to the city's main amusement park. Done 'datey' things, because that's the 'done' thing. He holds her hand when they're together, and kisses her goodbye.

He's still yet to invite her back to his. Not for a fear of rejection, but because he still hasn't taken those damn birds down.

Sometimes she likes to argue with him for the sake of making him squirm. If a text comes through from you, he knows a row is due - but has learned that sometimes she orchestrates them just to get him in her bed. Manipulates him a little bit. Whines. Says she doesn't even think he likes her that much - so he tries to prove that he does.

Thinks that maybe sex could be the answer - and given how sweet and sincere she always is in the aftermath, and how she always says sorry for being mean when he's in her sheets, it seems like it does work.

For a while, at least.

And so that's how his weeks go. Jiyeong is fine until she's not, and then Jeongguk will fix things by fucking her - because how could you possibly be an issue when she's the one he's fucking? It's her name on his tongue, her tongue in his mouth, and vice versa.

But he's found he's adopted your behaviours. He never stays over. He'll spend the evening at hers. Let her do things you won't. Kisses her when he fucks her, because it's what feels right - but doesn't stay the night because it feels wrong . It is intimate. He's not sure he wants to take things that far, yet. Isn't sure he likes the lingering resentment that's building; how it feels like he's being conditioned to associate sex with the unpleasantness of an argument.

He tries not to think of Hayun, but he remembers how he'd fuck her, just hoping - praying - she'd realise his feelings for her. Doesn't like that he's fucking Jiyeong as a way to prove himself. It feels too familiar.

They're not official. Exclusive, yes, but not official. It's still in its trial period, which is further than he ever got with Hayun, though.

Jeongguk knows, deep down, that he's too much of a hopeless romantic to ever need a 'trial period'. Knows that if this was the right thing for him, he'd already be thinking about sharing a home and naming children. Just how he's wired.

But he's jumped in too quickly before, and it's never ended well. He's taking things slow, because he wants it to be different. Knows that love is a choice, so he's actively choosing her.

Isn't in love yet. Not even close. But he wants to be.

And so he ignores the fact he doesn't think he can peacefully coexist with you without Jieyong getting irritated because he thinks if he keeps choosing her, she'll understand. He thinks if he proves himself, his dedication, that she'll accept it.

He's trying .

Even as an outsider, you recognise this. Can see that sometimes he goes to do things - to speak, to joke - and then catches himself. Speaks to her instead. Includes her in conversations that she'd otherwise remain mute in.

He's trying , which is more than Seokjin ever did for you. Makes you appreciate Jeongguk's careful nature even more. You think that Jiyeong would be mad to give him up, and it appears that he's not intending on giving her up, so all that's left to do is accept that this is your reality now.

The birds were fun while they lasted, but you'd rather have Jeongguk around, than not at all. It's a small compromise - and maybe you're a few drinks too deep, but by the time Secret Santa exchange comes around, you find yourself smiling at how animated he becomes. His round eyes glow with excitement, enthused by the fun of it all. A big kid at heart, Jeongguk is the purest soul you've ever known.

He's the one who passes out the gifts, like a kid on Christmas morning organising the presents beneath the tree. He wants to touch them all, feel their weight, see if they make a noise. Also wants to unwrap them all, but knows he can't, so excitedly hurries them along.

You can tell almost immediately who he wrapped a gift for - his smile becomes nervous, nibbling down on his bottom lip as he tentatively observes Tae unwrap an immaculately wrapped parcel. You should have guessed, really, knowing how good Jeongguk is with folding paper, that it would be from him.

Inside is a painting by numbers book for beginners - "Oh fuck off," Tae laughs - and a pair of earrings that have tiny, fully-functional, watercolour painting sets dangling from them.

Tae is obsessed . Takes his small hoops out, and puts the earrings in immediately. They're ridiculous and everyone is aware of it, but the way Tae dips the tiny brush into his wine and uses it to wet some of the paint is amusing to everyone. He gets straight to work painting in the first page - which is quite literally a square with just a single number inside it.

The way Jeongguk beams as Tae gets to grips with it is so endearing that you find yourself just as enthused as he is.

He's laughing, all childlike and full of life, and you decide that not having him in your life would be a crying shame. You're grateful for many things, but moments like these? They're the cherry on top of a good life.

You're a little more nervous as Jimin begins to unwrap his present.

It's from you, not that anyone is aware - hell, you're not even sure Jimin will realise the joke you're making as he neatly removes the ribbons you've wrapped around his gift. Everyone watches on with great curiosity as he begins to decipher what on earth he's received.

It's a two-part gift. The first thing? A desk sign.

Don't touch my pens , it reads - until he slides a small tab across, which changes it to say 'Do touch my pen.'

He smirks. Thinks he knows where this is going. Thinks he knows who gave it to him - and he unwraps the second part of your gift, he laughs in a way you don't think you've ever heard before.

"Oh, you little fucker," he grins at you, holding close three brand new pens, that match the one he'd claimed to be his favourite on the first night you had met. It's all a bit tongue-in-cheek, and you know it could probably prompt a few questions. You're not too sure what everyone knows of yours and Jimin's shared history, but you decide you don't really care.

"It's an in-joke," Jimin tells everyone, not wanting to air your dirty laundry. He sets his desk sign in front of him, and changes it back to ' Don't touch my pens ,' then neatly lines his new ones into a row, a pleased smile on his angelic face. Looks up at you. Grins. "Good memory."

You just shrug, pleased that he finds humour in them. The smile on your face is warm.

The smile on Jeongguk's face? Gone.

It returns when Jiyeong goes to open her present. Whoever had her name made a conscious effort to make her feel included despite not knowing her all too well. They also probably asked Jeongguk for some pointers, but that doesn't matter.

"Oh, these are ideal," she grins at a set of workout dice. There are six, each covered in different workouts and stretches. A final one indicates how many reps should be done. "I'm so bored of my current routine. These are literally perfect."

There's a lot to be said for how someone receives a gift, and Jiyeong seems genuinely appreciative. Alongside the dice is a custom water bottle with her name on it, and a cheat-day chocolate bar, both of which are just as well received.

From across the table, you sit with a soft smile on your lips. Perhaps this new normal could be nice.

Jeongguk feels your gaze. Glances towards you. Is pleased by the look on your face. Smiles, too.

You're the last to receive your present. It's wrapped a little haphazardly, and truth be told, you've no idea who it could be from. So far, no one has admitted to anything.

Occasionally, you just know - like Jeongguk's gift for Tae.

You've no idea who gifted Jeongguk quite possibly the largest shirt you've ever seen in your life.

It's a T-shirt, but the sleeves end by his wrists, and the hem of the shirt is below his knees. A joke at the expense of his love for baggy clothes, he's wearing it with pride and a silly little grin on his face. It's impractical and ridiculous, but it sums him up perfectly. Maybe it's the sheer amount of vodka you've consumed, but you can't seem to stop laughing every time you look at him.

Jiyeong doesn't really find it that funny, but she laughs too because she doesn't like the way Jeongguk looks at you when you laugh.

Yoongi's had nearly half a bottle of whisky because every time he notices the tension, he downs his drink. Can't be dealing with it. Doesn't understand how no one else is privy to it.

When you've finally discarded the wrapping paper, you find yourself laughing. Of course you are - the gift is perfect .

You open the box up, and then everyone joins in with your laughter as you pull out a bloody disco ball.

"Incredible," you beam, letting it spin in front of you, soft giggles escaping your lips. The light reflects as you twirl it around, dappling everyone in the most gorgeous speckles. Ethereal and whimsical, it's perhaps the best secret santa gift you've ever received.

Jiyeong doesn't smile. Just looks at Jeongguk as he looks at you, and wonders why he's incapable of ever looking at you without that stupid fucking smile on his face. It irritates her.

You don't look at Jeongguk. Just at the disco ball. You fear he's got stars in his eyes - and when your body betrays your mind, and eventually does glance towards him, you're proven right.

Of course he does though. He's looking at his star girl, and would have galaxies in his eyes regardless. Always has done. Regretfully, always will.

See, the stars are just reflections of your glitter. They won't burn out. Will never disintegrate. Very bad for the environment.

Forever is a long time, but he thinks it's the only accurate timeframe he can give to the splendour of your sparkle.

As your eyes linger for just a moment too long, there's an acute awareness between you both that things were better before.

He misses stargazing.

You miss the way he watches you.

Jeongguk doesn't know what to make of it. Things should be better now. Things should feel right - but he's holding back the full smile he wants to give you. Feels like he can't enthuse with you. Knows it will lead to an argument, and he's been trying to avoid those. Knows that Jiyeong is at her worst when she's had a few drinks, and knows it won't take much for her to blow up at him.

The worst part? He knows when they stopped for gas on their way there, he'd returned to the car with snacks (of which she'd naturally been happy about) but also an air freshener in the shape of a tiny fucking disco ball. He'd found it hilarious. She'd thought it was cute, but didn't understand why he liked it so much. She liked how much he liked it though, so had hung it up for him while he was driving.

Jeongguk knows she isn't stupid. Knows dots are being joined in her head. Knows that when he saw that air freshener, he thought of you. Knows that he loved it because of you. Part of him didn't even realise himself at the time, but now that he comes to think of it, it's obvious.

Jiyeong's internalised rage could shatter the disco ball you're holding into a thousand pieces - and Jeongguk knows you'd still find beauty in it.

You're a hopeless romanticist, just like he's a hopeless romantic. Both find love in things you shouldn't; you in ideas, him in people.

So he just nods. Lets someone else make jokes about your disco ball eyes, and how it's like looking at a sculpture of you. Laughs as you fake offence for being likened to a ball-shaped object - but stiffens his back when he realises Jiyeongs strengthening grip on his thigh.

You pretend you don't wish Jeongguk would make a stupid remark about how he was the one who invented that nickname, and how he deserves the credit.

He just turns to Jiyeong and whispers something in her ear. You've no idea what he says, but she smiles. Better than the death glare you'd been getting previously, so you ignore it.

That new normal you had decided was okay? Yeah. You hate it.

That Oscar-worthy performance you've been putting on prevails, though. As the night dwindles on, you holding the disco ball close, fractured light painting your throat in different hues, you couldn't look happier.

Natural divisions form - Jeongguk ends up in the kitchen with Tae, Jimin and Jiyeong, while Yoongi stays with the girlies. Namjoon is off visiting family, so he doesn't have his usual right-hand man - but he has his wife-to-be and a little plait in his hair, so he doesn't mind all too much.

"It's upstairs," Yoongi says to you quietly a little while later. "Spare room."

You nod, knowing what he means straight off the bat. Glancing through the doorway to where Jeongguk has his arm looped around Jiyeong's shoulders, a pretty smile on her face, you frown.

"Go up," Yoongi just says. "I'll sort it. First room on the left. Door's open."

You do as you're told - only realising quite how drunk you are when you stand. Walking straight is never your strong point after a few drinks, but you've been sitting for so long that you didn't realise quite how bad it was.

The room Yoongi directed you to is quaint - a small bed, not quite a double, is snug against the window. All of the furniture is carved from the same wood, and you know instantly that Yoongi must have made every single piece of it. It's impressive. Commendable. You understand why Seoyeon is so smitten. There's something to be said for a man who has mastered his craft. Maybe that's why you like seeing Jeongguk behind the bar so much.

A thin box lays on top of the white quilt, denting it from the weight. You check it over. Open it up. Pout. It's perfect .

Crafted by Yoongi, a dark walnut cutting board engraved with Jeongguk's name sits perfectly in the box, a thin layer of tissue paper beneath it. One edge has the natural shape of the wood running up it, while the rest have been sanded to a gorgeous curve. In the bottom corner, Yoongi's logo - his own name - is branded into the wood. It's gorgeous. One of a kind.

After visiting Yoongi's studio together, and seeing Jeongguk delicately run his fingers along similar ones, an idea had brewed in your head. Thought it was apt, knowing he wants his own samgyeopsal place.

You've barely managed to close it again when you hear a small knock on the open door.

Turning, you're greeted by your favourite person, and you can't even hide your smile. He can't hide his, either. His oversized shirt is tied around his neck by the sleeves, as if he's wearing a cape. You think he's ridiculous and it makes you giggle.

"What?" he beams - 'cause he can't suppress his smiles, either. Has been holding them in all evening, but now it's just the pair of you, he can finally indulge.

Yoongi had pulled him to the side. Told Jiyeong he needed to borrow him quickly. Followed Jeongguk upstairs, but went to the bathroom instead. Told Jeongguk to go to the spare room.

Maybe the deceit isn't ideal, but it's for a good cause, Yoongi thinks. Would do it again, no questions asked. Thinks that this is worthy of breaking Seoyeon's 'no gifts other than secret santa' rule.

"Have I been lured here under false pretences?" He speaks quietly, moving a little closer, tapping against the door to push it nearly shut. It's ajar, but only just.

"Maybe," you whisper back. Take a step closer. He holds his hands out, palms up, for you to gently slap yours against his. The contact is innocent. He just misses being tactile with you.

"Maybe?" He raises his brows, tilting his head slightly. His eyes narrow, smile persisting, a small laugh stuttering between his lips as his nose begins to scrunch. He's as drunk as he is handsome.

"Maybe," you nod, before looking over to the box on the bed. "Santa's been."

Jeongguk still his hands. Holds yours a little. Pretends he isn't.

"For me?"

"Mhmm," you nod, pulling your palms from his grasp, reaching over for it. "Here."

He takes it slowly. Is apprehensive. It makes you laugh. Says nothing as he eases the lid off the box - then stops moving entirely as he realises exactly what it is.

"For the restaurant," you say softly, a nervous smile on your lips. Eyes wide, you can't fully work out what he's thinking. "When you finally open it. I know wooden chopping boards aren't, like, health and safety approved, but I wasn't really thinking about that when I decided to get you one, so I'll buy a new set when the time comes-"

"No," Jeongguk shakes his head. Finally looks up at you. Looks like he might cry. "No, this is perfect. Perfect . B, what the fuck?"

And then he laughs. Chokes a little, because he really is trying to hold back the fact he feels like he'll cry. Holds the board in one hand, and uses the other to pull you in for a hug so warm that it feels like you're being engulfed by a thousand flames.

You've always believed in his dreams with reckless abandon. Have never doubted him. Know that one day you'll be drinking purple starfuckers after hours at the bar of his very own samgyeopsal place. You will . You're sure of it.

And while Jeongguk's always quietly hoped that he'd be able to achieve his dreams, he's never had someone enthuse about it in the way that you do. Never had someone absolutely certain that his dreams would play an active role in their own reality.

But you do.

So he sets the cutting board gently down on the bed and fully wraps his arms around you. Hugs you because he doesn't know how else to convey the way it makes him feel. Appreciative? Maybe. But it's more than that. More than delight, contentedness, gratefulness. He's experiencing all of those things, but they're too simple for such a complex feeling.

"Perfect," he whispers against the side of your head. "So fucking perfect."

He doesn't clarify that he's talking about the cutting board. Doesn't think he needs to. Also knows he not talking about the board at all, but knows better than to admit that.

"I'm glad you like it," you smile against his chest, then pull away from the hug. "Just thought maybe you should start gathering your resources, yanno?"

It's a lie. You just wanted to get him a gift.

He picks it up again and traces the grooves, fingers tenderly drawing over the wood grain. Studies it, because he knows if he looks at you again, he won't be able to make sensible choices.

"I love it."

"Pretty, isn't it?" You grin, watching his hands delicately feel their way around the board.

He looks up at you briefly. His eyes linger, then fall back to his hands.

"Yeah," he smiles. "Very pretty."

You let him study it for a little longer, before encouraging him downstairs. You tell him everyone will be wondering where he is. You think they really will. Think he's the life and the soul. Fail to realise just because he's the person you're always focused on, doesn't mean that everyone else is.

"Wait," he says as you reach the top of the stairs, the board tucked beneath his arm.

"Mhmm?"

"Thank you."

"It's fine," you smile - but Jeongguk looks serious all of a sudden.

"I mean it, Byeol. You don't... This is..." he struggles to find the words, so just laughs. "I'm so glad to know you."

You can't help the smile that breaks on your face, like a shooting star in the darkest of nights. Your glitter reflects the warm light pooling from up the stairs, and Jeongguk realises he's missed you far too much.

"Knowing you is okay," you tease, before ushering him downstairs. "C'mon. Seoyeon was talking about playing a game just before we headed up. Don't wanna miss the fun."

You're also aware you've been away for a little too long. Know that Jiyeong will probably start getting antsy. You know in her position, you probably would feel the exact same, and you don't want to make life difficult for anyone.

"You go first," you encourage. "I'll follow in a moment."

He does as he's told, while you head to the bathroom and freshen yourself off. Wipe the glitter that trails down your cheek when you fail to compose yourself and find a tear falling. There's no reason to cry. Everything went well - but maybe that's reason enough. Maybe you were reminded of how good things were before you fucked them all up, by insisting on Jeongguk following through with that damn bird.

When you finally return, everyone is in good spirits. The night continues as such. Jeongguk and Jiyeong leave first, with Jimin joining their taxi because it just makes sense. Part of you revels in satisfaction when you hear Jeongguk state there'll two drops to the ride: Jiyeong's place, then back to his place for him and Jimin.

You catch a cab with Tae and Nabi a little while later, though you're sure in the morning you'll forget all about it. Will forget most of the evening, most probably. You're fucked. Nabi's mission? Accomplished - but she's just as bad as you are. Throws up in her bag in the back of the Taxi.

As you eventually meander up the corridor to your apartment, a small sense of dread swells in the pit of your stomach.

Much like the evening of Taehyung's art show, there are flowers by your door.

They're different, this time. Out of season, you think. Oranges and purples you'd expect to see in the warmth of early summer, not in the barren cold of winter - but they're familiar. A small bunch. Expensive because of the time of year, but minimal compared to the obnoxious roses you'd been greeted with before.

You're getting pretty good at mental gymnastics. Tell yourself maybe Seokjin fancied doing something a little different this time. There's no calling card, from what you can see - just a small box wrapped in brown paper and sealed shut with washi tape.

For some reason, you find yourself cursing when you notice the small detail, because you know exactly where you recognise it from. Your heart grows heavy, lips pressing together to suppress a pout.

See, Jeongguk had been lying about the traffic.

He was late because he had to drop by yours before heading up to Yoongi's place. Didn't want Jiyeong to ask questions, so went to yours before he got her, but also wanted to make sure you'd left your place first. Has Jimin on his friend finder app, so stalked him like a little creep to make sure nothing would overlap.

He's not too sure why.

When you pick the flowers up, you find yourself cradling them, almost. Far more care is taken than there was with the roses. These are more precious, you think - and yet you set them down on the counter first, and don't bother to sort the vase out.

Instead, you slide your thumb under a loose section of paper, gently prizing away the washi tape from the brown paper.

The box itself is no bigger than your palm. White once you remove the earthy-toned packaging, it's embossed with a small silver stamp of a company you've never heard of.

Nervousness finds its home in your diaphragm for no good reason. Delicately opening the box, you're greeted first by a small card. It's handwritten, unlike the ones that so often come with flowers from Seokjin.

But of course it is. Everything about Jeongguk is far more intimate. It's innate. Just who he is as a person. S'why he was so good with those pesky fears of yours.

When you finally start to read the note, you realise your vision is a little blurred from tiny tears making their presence known. You're not crying. Not really. Just a little emotional. You blame it on the vodka.

for the wind beneath my wings, and the washi tape that holds my fears safe.

what would i do without you?

keep on shining, disco ball x

Beneath the note sits a dainty silver chain. Resting prettily on the cushioned padding of the box is a small charm: an ornate silver origami bird.

You're not sure why, but you really do start crying, now. The tears fall silently, and speckle the countertop with tiny splashes, but you don't care to wipe them away.

In your back pocket, your phone vibrates. A picture sent from Jeongguk waits in your message feed.

Across town, he stands in his dimly lit kitchen, a glass of red in his hand as he leans back against the kitchen island. The chopping board is hung next to the stovetop, where a pot usually lives, but Jeongguk has hidden it away in the cupboard. Thinks Yoongi's handiwork deserves to be displayed - and he's right. The dark walnut wood looks gorgeous against the backsplash of his kitchen.

The picture sent to you is of his view, and he's pleased to feel his phone vibrate in his own back pocket just a few minutes later.

You reply with a picture, too.

It's of his gift card, with a hastily scribbled reply over the top of the photograph. You often annotate the pictures you send him, and it always makes him smile - but this time, he really does laugh.

Next to his question - what would i do without you? - your hot pink digital handwriting replies: idk - die, probably.

And then a second message pings through - a selfie, taken in the mirror.

Your hair is down, slightly kinked in places from your up-do, but ever so elegant as it drapes over your shoulder. Your roots are well and truly growing through now, and it makes Jeongguk smile. So much progress has been made. It's nice to see a physical representation of that.

Your eyes are a little bleary, but it could just be the alcohol, he thinks. Chooses to ignore the fact your nose is slightly blushed, too.

Tiny speckles of glitter catch the light all over your skin - your eyes, your cheeks, your throat, the top of your chest. Again, he ignores the fact you're without the clothes you had been wearing. There are still straps over your shoulders, but he knows you well. Knows you're in your underwear. Recognises the bra. Has taken it off you before.

Nothing is on show, but nothing needs to be. He's visualising it regardless. Hates himself for it, but can't seem to stop.

In fact, the only thing that does avert his attention is the silver pendant around your neck. It sits prettily a few inches above your cleavage, perfectly adorning you like fine jewellery should.

It's not like it was unreasonably expensive - just sterling silver - but something about it feels priceless. To him. To you. To the friendship you've cultivated and the lives you both lead; forever changed by a couple of purple starfuckers and a few bad decisions.

Something tells me this one won't fall, your caption reads.

Jeongguk purses his lips together. Looks at the chopping board. Shakes his head. Doesn't know how to reply.

So instead, he tries honesty.

You look beautiful.

The message sits in his side of the chat, unsent. He knows the compliment is too heavy. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. So he rephrases, and presses send on something else.

Jeongguk: suits you, b

Of course it does. Was chosen for you by someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

You: best friend in the whole entire world x

You: what would I do without you?

Jeongguk smirks to himself. Doesn't even think as he types.

Jeongguk: die, probably

Your reply makes his smile grow even wider.

You: till death do us part ;)

He knows he shouldn't find such comfort in the joke you've just sent, he can't help it.

Jeongguk knows you'll be away visiting family over the next few days, just like he is. Knows that he won't hear from you much. Understands why. Doesn't mean he enjoys the prospect of it.

He considers inviting you around, now.

But it's Christmas morning, albeit very early and he knows the implications of such a thing. He wouldn't mean anything by it, he's just missed you. Missed hanging out with you.

But he invested himself in someone else because of the investment he made in you, and the birds. He has expectations to live up to. Doesn't wanna let you down.

Neither of you sleep as well as you should. Life was easier as a kid, the excitement of Father Christmas visiting enough to wipe you out entirely. Even the alcohol isn't enough to lull you into a peaceful equilibrium.

Instead, Jeongguk stares at the birds on his ceiling. You twiddle with the bird around your neck.

It's apparent that neither of you will be waking up to the gifts you really want beneath your trees - and you've only got yourselves to blame.

Merry fuckin' Christmas.

AO3 | MASTERLIST | MINORS DNI

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