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littleheathen · 10 months

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i haven't really talked about this on here or really anywhere but it's been bothering me and i haven't taken the time to like. think through it. so i'm public journaling

last year in march, my boyfriend and i moved into a new apartment, which was great, that isn't the problem. around the same time, i started noticing something was wrong with my back. it was hurting in the same place a lot, but i had sciatica as a teenager, so i thought it was just that

for months, i still worked at an in-person job (with only like...2 other people, thankfully), but i didn't have to walk all that much for it, so i just ignored it. it was ignorable, until i started really feeling it on my walks home. my back hurt so bad that i could barely move my legs and i would just heave and cry until i got home

that place ended up closing, so i got a remote job again, partially bc of covid and partially bc of my back. that was last august.

now, it's gotten so bad that i can't walk or stand for more than a few minutes...when i told my doctors, they both told me i needed to do physical therapy. which i did, several times, but bc i don't drive and i can't walk to the bus stop, i couldn't really keep going

all this is to say that i am coming to terms with my limited mobility. i had a cane from years ago that i got for free, and i took it with me to the drag show (masked of course) we went to a couple weeks ago. no one said anything, i'm sure people were looking, but it was fine. it helped

pride in my city is coming up soon, and in order to last for that long of an outing, i will absolutely have to use my rollator. it's a great rollator, i am so so so lucky i have a family that was willing and able to get me one, i don't want to sound ungrateful or like a 'woe is me' previously able-bodied person. it's just that a lot of things are happening to my body that i wasn't ready for and i'm coming to terms with all of them

we're going to a mini-con tomorrow, and i'm thinking of taking my rollator there, but it's scary to feel like i have to ask other people to make space for me. i don't think about that when i see other people using mobility devices, but idk, it's different bc it's me

it's kinda the same with my autism and bipolar. yes, i've had those all my life, but it wasn't until i was an adult that i became aware of them and it wasn't until like the last two years that i realized just how much they affect my life and how i interact with other people. i have such low tolerance for discomfort that i have trouble even keeping a job

my boyfriend and i rarely leave the apartment...literally like two or three times a month max. for all of the reasons above and of course covid. i struggle all the time with wanting my life to be this way and also feeling kind of pathetic bc...my life is this way. but idk, it's the most tolerable way to live, and i was a homebody long before i became the person i am now. i tried going out and having a big friend group and whatever but i hated it and i don't want to go back, even if i could

ummmm anyway that's my update. i think i might decorate my rollator so i feel more connected to it and want to show it off

ok. thanks luv u

#mine

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