This is the worst explanation I've ever read what 😭

C******s, Bastards, and Broken Things

Aren’t slurs in titles fun? I’d rather just censor it rather than possibly upset a follower. Finally I have free time and can watch Game of Thrones without giving up sleep or feeling guilty for not focusing on something more important. Yay!

The curvature of the map during the opening... hmm... So there’s a theory out there, kind of similar to the flat world theory and the upside down world theory, that yes the world is a sphere. But we are actually on the inside of the sphere, and the sun is at the center, and all the stars and stuff are also at the center and are super duper small or something. Obviously it’s a theory that is wrong, but... the way the map curves in the opening... curving upward instead of downward... almost makes me want to say that the world of Game of Thrones is like this. On the inside of a sphere. I don’t know, it just kind of came to me as I was watching the opening just now.

Little Bran can walk... so is this a dream? THE CROW HAS 3 EYES. Ok it’s a dream. Hodor!!! Greyjoy looks SO familiar, but I don’t wanna check his IMDB in case I’m spoiled so... I just gotta keep wondering why I know him... until I catch up or he dies, whichever comes first. Ok so what is Sam’s story? Why is he there? Someone tell me. Stop with all this mystery. Can we just tape Viserys’ mouth shut already please. I’m glad Daenarys was like “Dude. He drove you from your land because you deserved it.” Ok... but they’re getting turned on by dragons... “And everyone would hate me.” Oh. If only they knew that the sperm decides the sex of baby, not the egg. It’s just men trying to find more reason to belittle and hate women even if it’s their own fault they don’t have sons. Ok, well it’s still out of their control which sperm fertilizes an egg so I guess it’s not completely their fault, but the mother has no hand in that whatsoever so yeah she has no fault at all. So they shouldn’t hate Sansa. OK I would like to read this book of lineages too. Did Jon Arryn suspect that Joffrey is the son of Jaime too? “With all the weight they’re given, last words are usually as significant as first words.” Ooooh. I like that quote. I like that. “And your sons will be knights, and princes, and lords.” “...No.” I love her. WELL. I DON’T EVEN KNOW SAM THAT WELL AT THIS POINT. BUT AFTER HEARING ABOUT HIS FATHER AND WHAT HE SAID I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM AND NEVER LET ANYTHING HURT HIM AGAIN. THIS POOR BABY. Jon’s like “That’s it... I’m adopting him... he is mine now.” No... I totally did not go “*GASP* Is that Gendry my bae?!” out loud. I didn’t do that. Totally didn’t. He’s not my bae already. (Nah but seriously for some reason I thought he wouldn’t show up until like season 2 so I was shocked and may have overreacted oops. Also even I don’t understand why I’m so obsessed with Gendry without even watching the show. His actor was in 1 episode of Doctor Who and maybe 2 of Merlin and he made an impact.) Oh cool. He should be a prince. Nice. Jory trying to get on Jaime’s good side... smart. I like him so far. Please don’t betray Ned.

Ok wait. We’re halfway through the episode, and besides Gendry being King Robert’s bastard and Sam’s story making me want to adopt him, we haven’t really done much...

Awww he’s literally adopting and protecting Sam! Yes! Oh look it’s Jon’s direwolf! We haven’t seen him since he was a puppy. His name is Ghost right? Wait. It’s a he right? I don’t even know the dog’s gender... Ok so protecting him is one thing, but babying him so he doesn’t get any better at fighting won’t help anyone. Why in the world is Viserys pulling this girl by her hair. Why has no one killed him yet? Khal Drogo, get on that. I know it happens in like episode 6 or 7 but like, let it happen now. “You’ve no right to a braid, you’ve won no victories yet.” YES GIRL. PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE WHILE EDUCATING HIM ON THEIR CULTURE. YES. “The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.” GIRL. YES. Who is this Ros? Everyone’s been with her. I’m sure she has some stories to tell, when can we meet her finally? Oh this poor baby Jon Snow. I must protect him too. See, now I understand why when (Spoilers if for some reason you’re reading this and don’t watch Game of Thrones but like even I know this spoiler) he eventually dies there was a gigantic uproar, and why everyone was so happy to have him back. Torchwood-cannibal-Thorne-guy gives me all the creeps.

OH MY GOD. HE’S A CANNIBAL IN THIS TOO. I WAS ABOUT TO WRITE “Oh my god this is basically what happened to the Essex ship except in the wilderness” SINCE THEY RESORTED TO CANNIBALISM BUT IT DIDN’T REALLY HIT ME THAT HE’S A CANNIBAL AGAIN UNTIL HE STARTED CREEPING ON SAM LIKE “Soft, fat boys like you.” IT WAS THE SWITCH FROM RESORTING TO CANNIBALISM TO HIM SAYING HE WOULD HAVE GLADLY EATEN SAM THAT GAVE ME THE FLASHBACKS TO COUNTRYCIDE THAT I DID NOT WANT. I DID NOT WANT THESE FLASHBACKS. I GET ENOUGH WHEN HE’S ON SCREEN. I DON’T NEED HIM TO LITERALLY BE DOING THE SAME THING HIS COUNTRYCIDE CHARACTER DID TOO.

Ok wait. I was thinking “Oh Sir Hugh must be helping organize the joust or something and that’s why he’s counting footsteps” but he’s actually participating in it? So... is he gonna cheat or something? He has an advantage, he knows exactly how long the field is. That can’t be fair. Ooooh... kay. He’s legit dead. So much for an advantage. And we’ll never know what he had to say. Fun. Convenient. Why are we letting Sansa and Arya watch this again? OH GOD AND HE FELL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM TOO!??!!? I had been wondering why the Hound was burned, but didn’t ask, and didn’t really want to know why. And now that I know why, I wish I didn’t. WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THOUGH? SHE DIDN’T SAY “TELL ME” OR “I WANT TO KNOW” ALL SHE SAID WAS “NO I DON’T KNOW THE STORY.” The way Catelyn closed her eyes in annoyance when Tyrion practically announces to the whole tavern that she’s there was so perfect. Distracting from the fact she’s there when she really should be by complimenting and talking to all the people who’s families she knows. Smart. “...on his 90th name day. He plans to take another wife.” Oh I just scoffed along with Tyrion. Wait... wait... I vaguely remember in one of those “Top 10″ videos, one about “Top 10 Creepy Age Differences” or something, that David Bradley plays a character who’s super old and has had like a billion young wives... Is this his son? OOoh girl so we’re just gonna do this whole accusation thing right here right now. Cool. But now I get why you wanted them on your side. *Everyone pulls their swords on Tyrion.” OOh. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. Hmm. Yep. He deserves this at this point so far. And he did this to himself, she probably would have just let him go since she probably would have rather confronted him at a later point than bring attention to herself by doing it now.

Well. We finally got Gendry! Yay! And I have a new son named Sam!

Also I never realized that HBO stands for Home Box Office.