little missed sunshine

you know when you find some one's work and realize you love all of their work and Suddenly you Cannot Wait to Work with them. Or when the day started you fell into a tree running, laughing because christian bale once took the steering wheel of a golf cart off the lot of an audition, because He Just Couldn’t Handle It. Or when one minute you're looking at in-patient programs that accept the insurance-less and the next you call a girl you re-met just before switching continents. a name mentioned over conversation, a phone number still in existence. she answers after one ring. Or you're making lunch telling yourself Again how shitty humans can be, so angry-- fuck trying, can barely feed myself a balanced meal let alone, let alone. Alone. Might as well put the other four of those eight pounds back on because That's the end of the story you've been telling since 26. She answered after one ring. Her parting gift was her story: raped and refuged in the refusal to keep living, to eat anything. 

I still make little incisions. hazmat. I might ask myself, Would you feed your lovr that? A good lunch; the barometer of love. A good movie; barometer of 

beat it.

Battle of the Sexes. Billie Jean. King.

I'm in love with Valerie Haris. 

when you delete your first post in 2 months with your last cut and paste

this morning that made me laugh out loud. rthis morning that made me laugh out loud. rthis morning that made me laugh out loud. r

this came inside the binge food I bought

life hack :

to always look as young as tilda swinton is old.

PUBLIC DOMAIN

Would you rather hear me read Treasure Island, pretending to be Tim Curry, OR The Scarlett Letter, as tragedme?

almond croissant is 4$ in america. 

the french wouldn’t fucking believe it, pas tries 

an other day an other crick in the wall

neck cracks. pop snap. the sleep funnies, start giggling. 

5:29. tell emily i’m worried. she says don’t, about a thing, every little thing gunna...but it’s not the melody. i need to reason out what’s weighig out my measurements of successful living. i meet benhjamin’s shaman, “how long have you been here?” “8 days.” “You’re just A Baby.” thats’ what people In The Program say, “how long have you been abstinent?” “three months--” “WALK, don’t run. Jesus you’re not even crawling. Be patient.” i got plans b-a-b-y, and they driven me 110 on the free way. 

i roast beets. make la museli: paleo crunchy, michiel would make fun of me. finish my coffee. 10:45. look at my body, of work. and wonder how i used to do it. stress hormones hi jacking most of my intuitive reason. the fisrt thing my sister asked me, after a nervous how Are you was, “how do you get shit done. like you just decide--then you do it.” 

“Just like that,” i replied. “decide. Then do it.”

tired and tender.

my heart is strung, tight guitar strings. first world melody. why me. waking up like a princess. sky high. & roarious. skittleskat glorious. but blocked. some where between nape and navel. a paving stone to skip on. hop. scotch. and sip on. 

full to hilts with memories. nothing treading lightly. o holly. the grind. organs. a stitch in nine. eye contact. is the first sign. when you can’t make it. some body gets left behind. 

why me, a mel oldy of scratching where nothing’s itching

i don’t think there has been a time in my life i wasn’t trying to be better.

tonight, i’ve given in. i’m not giving up i’m giving in. i drank a glass of wine. ate popcorn for dinner and said goodbye to the kids. oddly removed after a day of blubbering. i am having a hard time not regarding myself with skepticism. 

This too shall pass

when i get to la, i want to work with a sponsor who errs towards a positive frame, spiritual stance. Maybe one that doesn’t tell me You’re An Addict, it’s not You: it’s your disease

as if That were an answer.

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.

Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

up at 8 with the church bells, rolled up like a blind, to watch the light change. body back in bed by 9. mind running errands. a stitch in time saves . all my belongings, in one place. a monologue. a man. three countries. devisive. purposefully storing my belongings where someone can get to them. someone who’s leaving in 18 months, i’l be home before the christmas apocalypse. i can’t remember the things I want to do do before leaving until i clear the clutter of belonging. be long. where’s my drip coffee maker?

dido

Ode

to be

in love

to be

enraged

to be

crushed

by a name

finished Queen of Carthage yesterday. Undone by Cupid. Snuffed out by a flame. Had to talk a winter walk. Make a jet stream. If you haven’t watched Call Me By Your Name, you should take a walk too. Life’s a stage. Go play.

flight of the conquerd

i wept on the flat mattress of jim’s. his labored breathing breaking even in the stale house wind. 3am. Sick and Tired. can’t breath. i dont add it up until i’m face to face with benjamin. i’m scared when i’m there. the threat, the danger of the sickman, my parasympathetic nervous system is on fire. i want to fix everything. i rearrange my luggage. i pack another bag. i pick up a drink. i compulsively do things that i wouldn’t normally: like take old antibiotics for my skin, put on retinol at 4am, tell jokes in a dutch oven, roll my eyes at the russians, rage silently when someone leaves some thing out of palce, shit and quit, wreck it, rack it up, snort, suck. i’m so out of my head i leave the rest of my body on a flat sheet and hit the street running as fast as i can.