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abcthink-blog · 4 years

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eight of august

today i'm feeling weird.

i have this lingering feeling of sadness that i can't seem to shake. it's the same feeling as i usually get but slightly more stronger. ths may have to do with the fact i have a date on monday and they never go well - ever. it always ends in us not talking anymore and normally i would keep a positive (or slighly positive) outlook, but the underlying factor is always me. and that's hard to disagree with.

it's hard not feeling enough most of the time, because right now, this is my default feeling. any deviation from this, is a relief. this morning i was fine - it was like someone just flipped a switch. this is just something i am going to have to live with until i can get help.

one day i just want to feel like i can be. just exist. not as an accessory to other people, an actual person. i don't want to have to feel like i am not allowed to live or worthy too. i'm trying to convince myself that i am though. there will come a day where i have to believe it. one way or another.

i think i am going to make a list containing all the things that are wrong with me. and then, go through the list trying to fix it. it might take some time but that's okay but it means that theres a chance that people will like me. and i won't have to feel like this anymore.

another thing with feeling like i am not worthy to live, is the idea that i have to serve people until i am allowed to exist. this hurts. a lot. but i can't help it. i would rather see people happy then not. and that's why i do everything for everyone. it's in my nature. the idea that someone is not happy, especially when i am the cause/effect, hurts me so so much. i can't stop it.

feeling like this, rips me inside out. slowly. painfully. there is a temporary medication, which is having sex with random men. side effects include: short-term ectasy, long-term suffering. i guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

i. am. breaking.

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