The Engkantos of Borongan

At some point, I decided to go against the grain because I felt all the dysfunctional jolly culture in my hometown just ironically leaves me a lot of emotional and financial baggage. Growing up in Borongan and eventually going on a different direction has lead me to a people-pleasing turned to an I don't give a fuck transition. I realize I didn’t need a lot of shady pagregarious acquaintances or non-conversant relatives or a place to label home especially if you don’t get along with the culture. The real people who treat you like actual family, regardless of blood relation can be the actual home. I knew then, It doesn’t have to be geographical. When you live alone and you adult, you’ll find out who actually cares. So I skipped joining the patita-ninang bandwagon, crashed some highschool attachment and I was able to shut myself from a sexist expectation of what a Boronganon woman should be. It’s funny when you meet your boyfie’s mom and says “Borongan, eh diba maraming engkanto dun.” and still battles for the image of your hometown defending it with some "boy-abunda-grew-up there trivia". But at the end of the day I realize there's a list of real enkantos that dominantly exist not only in Borongan but the rest of the Philippine Islands. Sorry for the reverse judgy vibe, but here they are:

Paragbuotoxisapien

They have a fixated mentality surrounding the subject of pag-aasawa. They constantly use in their conversations annoying phrases like "Baying/Botoy, maupay it taga dinhi la ha at." and "San-o kapa mag-aasawa." without considering the merry-go-round, showbiz-like baralyuay uyab situation. There's nothing wrong with taking seccond chances but to be on the pushy side is just way stuck on the close ba tayo zone?

Mamamaryfanatiktik

They are the trad fashion police in the local manang department with common triggers of shortaphobia (severe annoyance of a lady who can pull off wearing shorts), blondetaphobia (severe annoyance of lady on a blonde hair disposition), tatuanphobia (severe annoyance of people with tattoos).

Common hobies are going to church and makibg libak after.

Libakunium Insecurium Labyawak

Libakunium Insecurium Labyawak belongs to an Alpha family of chaka species. However unlike Mamamaryfantiktik, they don't have to be religious. They can be anyone with huge pile of guts to make lait despite their looks.

Their common bias surrrounds around physical attributes. Common lines are, "humm busag mala it." , "pag-inapi api hit hin pagkagiiitumi."

Deadkidslayer

They give so much an about a typically quiet or shy person and judge them as di nakikiangay or malabyaw in an instant and eventually make up stories about them.

The common lines they use during conversations is "Husss, it nga asawa ni kineme, di ma ngane it nagguguwa guwa hit ira balay."

Utanggutanzilla

Utanggutanzillas are species that belong to utang-now-bayad-never kupal kingdom. They usually appear the nicest when they need something from you and they are intimidating to be asked ti pay back what they have borrowed and when you do, you will appear buog and hambog.

KatsaritDemandosaurus

Gone are the days when carolling was mostly for fun and camaraderie. Katsarit is now a money-making industry influenced by adults with over p20 demands and youngsters with over p5 demands.

How I miss the 90's era when free curly tops on a box were used to be highly appreciated.

Piranalibre Oteptopus

These are "marshies" or "relatives" who always expect you to treat them because they think you can afford treats. We all have bills to pay tho .. Where did the value of sharing go?

Ricolonus Bloodsucker

They are classified as social animals with social climbing skills and actively joins "lutong-macau or promotion conspiracies".

Authoritarium Bloodsucker

Surviving with gentle pauses

In the midde of fast repeat

Finding refuge in pigments

Consoling some sort of defeat

Discarding some self-convincing lies

Crashing the noise outside, revealing truth

in solitary rhymes

In taste  of solid earth and touch of the wind

Diverting with every breather in sweat and in grain

I swallow and run to numb the pain

to deafen myself  from the echoes of shallow talks and the noise within narrow lanes

Those human and vehicle filled boxes,

Machines designed with

predetermined chances

Caught in mad risks and dead end jobs

and all shady pains and all shady love.

Rational thoughts disregarded these instincts.. repeatitively convincing myself that its just tunnel vision..I used to say maybe it's just me but now that it's ridiculously clear, gotta pull all caution with kindness. Days are days and people are people. Conceited alphas never go ease with play it coolers

Do you ever had a transition where you once want to be everything and suddenly, you’ll wake up wanting not to be anything at all. It’s when you used to feel a lot and the overwhelming feeling leaves you empty, unconscious and blank without any taste of desire. And then you end up with your own deafening humor, laughing, floating, surrendering, being, waiting to really feel high again?

NOTE TO SELF

Believe me, putting your well-being first will make you more productive towards work and more genuine towards people. Whether you admit it or not, we all need some fixing. So here’s a list of do’s and don’ts that will shape the way you handle things:

1.       Save up for your sanity fund.

Been seeing red flags of over giving lately? If so, its time to take a look at your own pocket and this time, use it for your needs. Don’t feel guilty for saying no to favors, utang, and treats-under-pressure if at the end of the day you’ll be back to square one, empty and running out of self-reward from all the hardwork you put into your nine to six. If people love you for being the yeser tita-ninang while hate you for your reasonable  NOs, then it’s time to get some boundaries popping.There’s no point dealing with people who pull you down with their needs they can’t provide for themselves when you., working your ass off without giving them the same demand.

2. Appreciate the shitty job at the moment, divert and quit on the right time.

You may caught yourself with the same sentiment as Charlize Theron’s character in the film, “Tully”. Remember the sarcastic line where she said “I work in an HR department for protein bars, my degree in English literature really paid off.”?  Plus there will be overbearing colleagues, crab mentality, pussyfooting and endless office politics where you keep your rants to yourself because you don't want to take part of that big pile of negativity. Your work can be the worst place you could ever think of. You know why? because you’re life mostly revolves around your work. We usually think over our salaries, the connection of our degrees with what we actually do and we get so conscious about other people’s personal feedback, but its barely that we consider our time and health over this issues.

How bout doing your tasks averagely and leaving on time. Who needs your bibo output, when your superiors are fixated with their mood of approval. Instead, get some good regular sleep. And before you close your eyes also, try contemplating if you also even like the people around you. Believe me, when you start getting your own answer to yourself, you’ll get the idea that there’s absolutely no point pushing through life when you’re purely a mechanic people pleaser!

Then at some point, you have to tap your own shoulder to get deciding about your next step, strategically though. Don’t blast out right there in a resignation letter with an invisible hate note, without a secured transition. Starting over will require a lot of money too. Don’t be overoptimistic about your chances of instantly getting a new job but take a leap of faith in the right time! Be grateful still with what pays the bills.

3. Discard all the self-imposed toxic. 

After years of being so hard on yourself, it’s time to realize that you are certainly enough and that you can only be better if you were able to carve out your own identity outside your culture, your career, your lovelife and even your family. Stop saying your helluva mess just because it sounds rad. You’ve got to get it together and know for a fact that you don’t have to blame yourself in an endless ego-tripping just because you are not an adept at not giving a fuck. Even some people give a fuck at not giving a fuck too! So there, a crazy wordplay.

Ponit is, acknowledging your palpak is one, and moving on is another. 

And hey don’t let your strengths get overshadowed too. Just please don’t be the conceited type who bores people with the details of their uninteresting self-defense narrative.

It maybe a little harsh to hear, but truth is 90% doesn’t really cares. This doesn’t mean that you have to cut off all your relationships with that 90%, you just have to put them  in another life compartment and stick with people who have a weight of mind and good character. You’ll certainly learn from them and even the shallowest of things takes depth and the small talks gives some sense of balance. Invest with people who share the same sentiments as you and appreciate those who may not be in the same page as you are but will respect and not underestimate your battle.

But  practice the right measure of boundaries. Avoid oversharing and listen more. They are your friends and not just some sort of shock absorber therapist. They matter. Yes they do!

To simply sum it up, be nice to people. Kindness takes a long way!

4.       Look your best and stick with your own style.

So you may be in a phase of turbulent twenties, but that is not an excuse for you to look like shit. Dress up for god sake. Put on some edge and wear your self..Brands are good but not a must..Creativity is better matched with tipidity..lol!

4.       Travel not for status quo

5.       Get some phone detox

6.       Declutter your stuff

 .

Ornamented Beast (my poetic kind of review for this Steve Cutts Short Film)

Can’t extricate myself from this emotional spectrum,

Blurred by taming the beast inside,

The beast who knew yet restrained under flashy human simulation

fighting the struggle of repetition

endlessly searching for meaning

when everything seems to be meaningless illusions within slippery time

people fading into rats, failing real connection

laughing, cheering followed by heavy breathing

eating a lot, sleeping less

awake and dead at the same time.

roaming and never home

coming back and forth

sleepwalking ornamented beasts

Amor Fati

I can’t afford to make another disaster in order to rebuild and just end up making another disaster. I guess I’m done with the life revising cycle and I’m ready to  discover my full capacity to endure.

I don’t deny the lack but I won’t have to magnify the weight of it. I have learned to accept the flaws as I find contrast in celebrating the rarity of good friends, the consolation of weird love, the compassion of a home, the release of pain through art, the surrender of lows through running, the uplift of a good scenery, the healthy pauses of writing, the occasional good sleep, the humor in an ironic dead-end job and the taste of unexplained bliss that pops out of nothing.

I am embracing the reality of happiness and despair instead of the happiness and despair of reality. And in this world run by materialism, I prefer gratitude as my personal currency while considering a more valueable asset called the present. Consider this average life enthusiasm..lol!

The rain is a good excuse when it seems impossible to get out of the rut, the rain leaves you calm.. It slows down afternoons and figuratively embraces you warm despite of it being literally cold. And then, your problems shrink while you shrink inside that blanket.

Middle Man

I was hired as a writer but I am now constantly in the loop of this 24/7 construction coordination instead of collecting portfolio worthy articles. I wanted to have a phone detox and just sleep of all the stress away but it seems that life gives me the challenge of being a corporate ping ping ball. It's terribly amusing how you become an executive frontliner without a concrete basis of what you do. I know this is a complete waste of time and yet I'm still here. I'm still here dealing with overbearing characters in one side, dealing with passive cheerfulness on the other because I have bills to pay. I shouldve demanded the world this so called "life work balance" like a typical millenial 😅 but I am stucked in life work laban instead..hoping all the shitty things get flashed all together and relive a sense of quiet. Maybe a sadder place of conclusion or a lighter conceal of self convincing, whatever it is I just cant wait for this to be over.

Doing watercolor wasnt about the stuff I learned from art school. It was more like painting the first phase of falling in love with the pigments. I just wanted the feeling of painting like I was ten. Like I want to paint simply because I want to. Less pressure was set on small cardstacks and all of a sudden it became my new weekend obsession without being concerned with expression or standard aesthetics.Things pop up unexpected and I appreciate my own work without regreting for not making to the artworld. I realize I don’t have to be anything. I just want to paint for It’s my relief from a world that I intentionally want to miss out from. Art has a way of making me breathe. It is my therapy when I want to get rid of the self who gives too many fucks about life.

“Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don’t go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day, or an hour, or a half a second when so much happens it’s almost like you got born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet.”

— E.R. Frank, Life Is Funny

it's nice to be surrounded by people who went through the same hell as you and are able to find the same realization that you were once too pathetic to be laughed at by your present selves...

We thread into this discourse of repetition where I no longer feel a sense of meaning. It’s exhausting to be consistent without a feeling of reassurance when sarcasm takes over in the tone of your sweet remarks. 

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.

Albert Camus, The Outsider (via books-n-quotes)

(illustration by bertamakovski)

To My Favorite Humans

I’m not a serial killer who collects flesh.

But I have a way of ripping off human cover.

I like listening to human depths while I can smell their fear of being present.

In their eyes, I can catch infinite reflections like we’re both in parallel mirrors.

I’ll walk with them and talk with them and time will be fast.

I like it when I feel that with me, they’re awake from the self that lies sleeping from the confines of this world.

I like to listen to their truth.

I like the heal of their surrender.

But I fear being attached.

I feed people with my soul only when I’m abundant of clarity and calm.

If I have too much human interaction, I die and fade into a machine bringing contagious technical disease of shallow small talks.

And I end up a reincarnated weirdo with an awkward stare and a blooping connection with all the fronts of the world.