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astudyintheburningofhearts · 8 days

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-This Hollow Heart

Word Count: ~4.0k

Description: Henry gains weight after moving to New York. He develops an eating disorder about it

The first time Henry notices it, Alex is pushing him bodily into the bathroom, already tugging off his shirt, so they can “conserve time and water” by showering together. When he sees his body next to Alex’s in the mirror, he almost does a double take. That can’t actually be what he looks like now. Can it? He makes a mental note to spend a little more time in front of the mirror by himself when he doesn’t have a very needy boyfriend already heating the water to the perfect temperature.

He temporarily forgets all about his previous worry in his rush out the door that morning – running late because showering with Alex never ends up conserving any time or water. So much for save the trees.

When he comes home late that evening, exhausted, he wants nothing more than to curl up in front of the TV with Alex and David and eat the, no doubt incredible, dinner that Alex has prepared. David taking up far more room on their small sofa than he really ought to for such a small beagle.

The next morning, Alex wakes up before him, slipping quietly out of their room, but not before brushing a gentle, barely there kiss to Henry’s temple. Henry hums happily, and snuggles a little deeper into the blankets, hoping to get at least another half hour of sleep before he has to be up for the day.

When he finally gets out of bed, Alex still isn’t back from his morning run yet, and he shuffles sleepily into their ensuite to brush his teeth and get ready for the day. That’s when he sees the full-length mirror mounted to the door, and he stops in his tracks, suddenly very awake. He’d completely forgotten about what he’d seen yesterday, convinced it must have been a trick of the light. But no. He can see it now, clear as day. His body has most certainly changed. He feels so stupid. Of course his body has changed. Ever since he left London and moved to New York, he hasn’t been exercising nearly as regularly as he used to, too busy with the shelter most days. And with Alex’s mouthwatering cooking, and Henry’s newfound love for baking, he’s certainly been eating more than he had before.

Maybe… maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe Alex hasn’t noticed. He cringes even as he has the thought. Of course Alex has noticed. He’s simply far too kind to say anything. The more he looks at himself, the more obvious it becomes. His stomach, where there used to be the hard ridges of his abs, is now soft, and he can barely make out any muscle definition in his thighs that used to be so defined. He even notices his jawline isn’t nearly as sharp as it was before. Christ, he needs to do something before this gets worse. Before Alex leaves him when he sees how repulsive he’s become.

They don’t own a scale. Just one of those everyday items they haven’t gotten yet, he supposes. Henry picks one up on his way home from the shelter that day. When Alex asks him about it, he brushes it off, saying he simply noticed they didn’t have one. Alex seems skeptical, but he shrugs it off, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.

Things don’t get off to a great start. He had such good intentions. He was going to start going to the gym, and he was going to cut back on his eating. But he’s working longer and longer days at the shelter, and the last thing he wants to do after that is a vigorous workout. And then he comes home and most days and Alex has already prepared dinner, and Henry’s absolutely ravenous. He never did have very strong willpower.

Before he knows it, he’s gained another three kilograms, and his tailored dress shirts and trousers no longer look right on his body, and they cut off his circulation in places. He spends more time in front of the mirror now than he has in his entire life.

He’s taken to wearing baggy jeans and loose sweatshirts, partially because most of his other clothes no longer fit, and partially in an attempt to hide his disgusting body. He can’t believe he let it get this bad. It’s a miracle Alex hasn’t said anything to him yet. He hasn’t even tried to cut back Henry’s portions or tried to make him come with him on his morning runs. Maybe he thinks he’s too far gone? A lost cause?

Henry has to fix this. If he expects to keep a boyfriend that looks like Alex, he has to look the part himself. Alex was already out of his league before, but now? It’s only a matter of time before Alex comes to his senses and ends things.

He’s stopped initiating sex anymore, and almost always brushes Alex off when he tries to slip his hands underneath Henry’s shirt or unbutton his trousers. He no longer sits half on Alex’s lap when they watch TV in the evenings for fear of crushing him to death, opting instead to sit on the opposite side of the sofa with David in his lap so Alex can’t get close enough to feel his body. This is something he expects Alex to call him out on, demanding an explanation for Henry’s new behaviour. He does nothing of the sort.

Henry had gotten used to Alex whining and pouting when he doesn’t get his way, attempting to seduce Henry if he ever said he wasn’t in the mood – something that didn’t happen very often; a side effect of having Alex Claremont Diaz as your boyfriend. The realization that Alex isn’t fighting him because he must no longer be attracted to Henry makes him taste metallic blood in his mouth. Will Alex still love him if he’s longer attracted to him? Probably not. Who wants to spend their life with someone who looks like this? He has got to fix this before it’s too late. He has to prove to Alex that he can change, that he can be attractive again.

That evening, when Alex sits down beside him, he hands him a cornetto. Henry is horrified. He hadn’t asked Alex for one, Alex had just assumed that surely Henry would want one. Of course Alex would assume that, Henry’s quite literally gigantic – obviously he would assume that Henry always wants food. Icy terror skates up his veins when he thinks about what the implications of Alex handing him even more food are. Is Alex planning on breaking up with him? Is that why he doesn’t care if Henry gets any bigger? He’s already given up.

Henry realizes he’s been staring too long at the ice cream cone in Alex’s hand without saying anything when Alex speaks. “Henry?”

“Yes? Yes! Sorry. I actually don’t really feel like dessert tonight.” He tries to sound casual. He’s not entirely sure he succeeds.

A little furrow appears between Alex’s brows, as if he’s confused at the very concept of Henry refusing food. Christ, it must be worse than he thought. He has to prove Alex wrong.

“Alright then.” Alex walks back over to the freezer and deposits one of the cornettos, keeping one for himself, and coming back to join Henry. He hopes Alex sees this as the sign that it is. The sign that Henry is finally ready to stop being such a fucking pig, and get his life back together.

That night, when Alex is studying in the office, Henry is in their bedroom, pretending to write, when he’s actually calculating how many calories he needs to be eating in order to lose weight, downloading My Fitness Pal, and looking up simple, low calorie meals. He discovers is that he needs to be eating less than 1850 calories per day in order to lose weight. And that people seem to have an unholy obsession with cottage cheese, overnight oats, and protein powder.

He debates telling Alex that he’s going to start a diet, but he wants to surprise him with his weight loss – and secretly he knows he couldn’t bear to face Alex’s disappointment if he ends up failing.

Things start off great. He tries to eat between fifteen-hundred and seventeen-hundred calories per day, and he loses two kilograms in four days. The next day he steps on the scale while Alex is on his morning run, and his heart drops. He’s managed to gain weight somehow. Realistically he knows that his weight is going to fluctuate a little, and he probably hasn’t gained half a kilogram overnight, and he’s most likely just retaining a little more water than usual. But staring down at the number on the scale, he decides to eat a little bit less today. To ensure that the number is down for tomorrow.

Henry didn’t set out on this journey with the intention of developing an eating disorder, but when he looks back and realizes he hasn’t eaten more than twelve-hundred calories a day in weeks, when he was told that anything under thirteen-fifty could be damaging to his health, he realizes that it’s likely exactly what’s happened.

He’s not altogether upset by this realization. He’s knows that it’s not strictly speaking good for him. But it’s working, and he needs it to work, so he can convince Alex not to leave him. He goes to the gym four times a week now, weights, no cardio. He fears he may pass out if he attempts any intense cardio. He already struggles with feeling really weak when he lifts the weights. And he’s dropping weight like mad. He’s already lost approximately eleven kilograms in a little under two months. He’s almost back to the weight he was before New York, and his clothes are starting to fit again. Though he still wears baggy clothes most of the time. He’s not good enough yet, to start wearing tighter clothes, and he doesn’t want people to see him and think that he thinks he’s skinnier than he is. He knows he’s still fat. Is starting to realize he was always fat. He kind of can’t believe Alex was attracted to him before.

Regardless, it’s becoming increasingly more obvious that he no longer is. Alex has stopped initiating almost all physical contact now. Whereas before, even when Henry was fatter than he is now, Alex would still attempt to curl around Henry’s body at night like an oversized koala until Henry pushed him away – claiming he was too hot to cuddle, when in reality, he just didn’t want Alex to feel just how soft and large his body had truly become. Alex still used to insist on showering together in the mornings until Henry told him no, or would stand closer than was necessary when they were cooking together, or just brushing their teeth side by side. Henry used to put an extra step of distance between them, so Alex couldn’t accidentally brush against his disgusting body.

But now he’s stopped trying to do those things completely. Henry thought that once he started losing weight, Alex would start finding him attractive again, and would start pushing for more physical contact, but that hasn’t happened yet. Clearly, Alex still thinks he’s got a long way to go before he’s attractive again, and Henry is inclined to agree with him. Even though the scale has been moving, and his clothes are fitting a little better, he barely sees any changes in the mirror. Alex has evidently also observed this same phenomenon, and is waiting, incredibly patiently, for Henry to fix it. Henry doesn’t know how long he has until that patience starts to wear thin; Alex has already been so kind to him throughout this. He hasn’t once told Henry to lose weight, or threatened to leave him if he doesn’t. He just waits for Henry to make the right decisions himself.

He's noticed that even when he loses weight now, it often doesn’t make him happy. He used to be ecstatic every time he was down, but most days even if the number is down, all he can think is that it could be more. It would be more if he could just eat less like he knows he’s supposed to. He knows that people with real eating disorders, not the miniature, fake eating disorder he has, eat eight-hundred calories or less everyday. But he just can’t make himself do it.

Sometimes Henry catches Alex looking at him with an expression he can’t quite parse. It almost looks like sadness. Disappointment maybe. That Henry’s not where he wants him yet. But he’s going to make Alex so proud. He’s going to get fit and prove to Alex that he deserves him. His love and attention. After all, who would want to be with a fat, ugly, soon to be ex-prince? What would he have going for him if not his title and the money attached to it?

In another week, Henry is noticing that he isn’t losing weight nearly as easily as he had been before. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing wrong. He’s eating the same amount he was before, he’s exercising just as much, but his body seems to want to hold on to the weight more than it did before. And Henry’s not stupid, he knows his own eating habits have slowed down his metabolism, and that’s why he’s not losing weight. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s barely losing weight now. And he can’t afford that. He’s on borrowed time, and he’s not sure how much of it he has left before Alex gets too frustrated to put up with him anymore. So, he drops his calories again. Eating nine-hundred most days. Up to twelve-hundred on his bad days.

Except it’s not as easy as it was before to stick to his calories as it was at the beginning. He finds himself slipping up sometimes. Eating as much as seventeen-hundred some days. He tries really hard to correct it by eating seven-fifty or less the following day, but he doesn’t always succeed. He’s so frustrated with himself. He was doing so well for weeks. But now it seems like he has a major slip up at least once a week. And they have an event coming up. A gala to raise money for the shelter. He can’t hide behind baggy clothes, and he’ll be standing by the buffet all night. He knows he’s probably going to eat more than he should, and he hates himself for it. He hates himself for not having a modicum of self-control around food despite the fact that he knows he’s fat, and knows he needs to lose weight. But he still can’t help himself sometimes. He needs to be a little skinnier for the gala. Just a little. So that when the number on the scale goes up the next day, it won’t be so bad because he’ll have dropped a quick kilogram or two first. The gala is in three days, so it seems pretty reasonable to fast for two of those days, and then eat a small amount the day before.

Henry’s never fasted for a full day before, let alone two days, could never make himself, but the first day goes by a lot smoother than he expected. He’s a little hungry, but he’s definitely been hungrier before, and it’s easy to distract himself at the shelter. He cheats a little bit because he has two cups of soup broth, but they’re only ten calories each, so he’ll cut himself some slack. One in the afternoon for lunch, and one in the evening as a late dinner. The next morning he’s overjoyed to see he’s lost almost a kilogram overnight. The rest of the day is a little harder. His hunger is much more noticeable, and he feels a little weak. And even simple tasks like vacuuming the brownstone leave him a little breathless. Thank god Alex isn’t here to see him struggle with such basic tasks. He doesn’t have to go into the shelter today, and he’s infinitely grateful. He’s not sure he could make it through the day on his feet without passing out. He takes David for a short walk though, and even that has him swaying on his feet a little.

All he thinks about all day is the food he’s going to eat the following morning when his two day fast is finally over. He knows how fat that is of him. He knows normal people don’t obsess about food like he does. He hates himself for it. Because even though he’s been doing pretty well, he knows just how easily he could slip back into old habits. How easily he could gain the weight back. He fears he may never escape that. That he’ll always be fighting the urge to be a fat pig.

“Hey, H, can I talk to you about something?” Alex nods to their sofa with his head.

No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. He thought he had more time. Alex can’t break up with him yet. He’s been doing so well. He’s now two kilograms below what he was when he first met Alex. And he’s not planning on stopping yet. He knows he still has a ways to go, but he thought Alex would see how well he’d been doing. He thought Alex would give him a chance to get there. But apparently he got tired of waiting. Henry can’t really blame him.

With a resigned sigh and a weak smile he hopes tells Alex that he’s not upset by his decision, he joins Alex on the sofa. He tucks himself into the far corner, bringing his knees up to his chest.

“I think you know what I want to talk to you about, sweetheart,” Alex says carefully.

“I know. And I’m so sorry.” He hates himself for how his voice breaks.

“I’m just worried about you. I kept expecting you to come to me and tell me what’s wrong, but you haven’t, and now we’re here.” Alex gestures sadly at Henry’s body.

He chokes on a sob. He didn’t realize how disgusted Alex truly was by him. He thought that he was getting better. He thought Alex could see that. Clearly it wasn’t good enough.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant for it to get this bad.” His words are shaky and frail; Alex reaches out to him, and Henry flinches. Alex recoils like Henry hit him. “I can–” he stumbles over his next words. “I can pack a bag. I’ll stay at a hotel tonight, and I’ll get a plane to England tomorrow. Pez can come by and pack up the rest of my things and mail them to me.”

“What?” Alex looks shocked and heartbroken, though Henry can’t figure out why.

“If you’re worried about the brownstone, don’t be. I know it’s technically under my name, but this was your house as much as mine. You can continue to live here as long as you’d like.”

“Henry, what are you taking about?” There are tears in Alex’s eyes that Henry doesn’t understand. “Are you– are you breaking up with me? Is that why you’ve been so withdrawn and miserable?”

Now Henry’s even more confused than he was before. “No, of course not. I would never leave you, you know that.” A flicker of hope crosses Alex’s face. “You’re breaking up with me,” he reminds Alex. “Aren’t you?” he asks uncertainly.

Alex’s eyes widen in shock. “What? No, of course not, baby. I love you. It’s you and me and history, remember? I would never give this up.” He gestures to their living room, to the pictures on the walls of them, happy, smiling, in love, to David laying contentedly on his dog bed, to the life they’ve built together. “I would never give you up.” Alex’s words are fierce, and Henry almost cries with relief. “I just wanted to talk to you about your weight.”

Ah, there it is. Henry cringes. “I know, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen, it was an accident, but I’m trying really hard to fix it. I’ve been fixing it.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad, I’m just worried. You’ve lost a lot of weight really quickly, and I wanted to talk to you about why that might be happening. Is it your meds? Maybe it’s time we talk to your psychiatrist about getting you on different ones if they’re going to supress your appetite so much. And you’ve been pulling away from me so much recently. I know something’s going on, and I want you to let me in. I can help you.”

Henry almost laughs. “Christ, is that what you’ve been worried about? Alex, love, it’s not my meds. I’ve just been cutting back on my eating so that I can lose some weight. I’m doing this for you. So you can be attracted to me again.”

“What?” Alex gasps. “What do you mean ‘again’? What have I ever done to give you the impression that I’m not attracted to you anymore? Because whatever it is, I am so sorry. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it.”

“You didn’t do anything, love.” Henry reassures. “I’m just not blind. We own mirrors. I know what I look like, okay? I know it’s not good, but I’ve been doing really well–” Henry’s next words are cut off when Alex throws himself at Henry in what can only be described as a very aggressive hug. Tentatively, Henry lets himself sink into the embrace, for once pulling Alex closer, not pushing him away. He breathes in the comforting scent of cinnamon and expensive curl cream – the scent of home.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice,” Alex speaks, muffled by Henry’s shoulder. “I thought you might be growing tired of me.” Henry gasps, confused at the very notion that he could ever become tired of Alex. “I thought that’s why you were pulling away. I thought the weight loss was a side effect of your unhappiness in our life together.”

Henry pulls back enough that he’s able to look into Alex’s watery eyes. “Listen to me. I will never grow tired of you. Hear me? Never. You were the one who taught me that I could take my life into my own hands, that I didn’t have to sit in that awful palace and let things happen to me. You taught me to be brave.”

Alex shakes his head. “You’ve always been brave. But sweetheart, you need to eat more.”

“No, I still have so far to go, so much weight to lose.”

Alex looks at him with a deep sadness in his eyes. “No, you don’t. I don’t think you have a proper view of what you look like anymore. I want you to know that I will always love you. So much. No matter how much weight you gain or lose. But I’m worried about your health. Mental and physical. And I think it’s time you start seeing your therapist regularly again. Maybe we can even find someone who specializes in eating and body issues.”

Henry feels the burning sting of tears prickling behind his eyes. “You really mean that?”

“Of course I do, sweetheart. And I’m gonna be there with you every step of the way, and we’re gonna fight, just like we always do. You and me, H.”

“You and me.”

And for the first time in a long time, Henry feels like he’s going to be okay.

#OML GORGEOUS AND HEARTBREAKING I LITERALLY LOVED THIS #honestly tho tysm for writing this my god it's so well written #rwrb

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