Sometimes I worry that I write Astarion too emotional or sensitive.

It's all well and good to joke about "oh, he's a pathetic wet cat, very sad, much uwu", love the memes, but every character gets flanderized in fandom after a while, and my understanding of his character can obviously shift after reading hot takes and headcanons all day long.

Then I booted up the game again for the first time in a hot minute, had my Durge chat with him a bit, and got to listen to Neil Newbon sounding like he's about 3 seconds away from bursting into tears, choked, ragged breathing and all -

yeah. pathetic wet cat it is. I should make Astarion cry more often to be honest, he's very good at it.

That moment when you go back and re-read your own fic only to realize you were actually explicit about something you thought you'd only hinted at 🙃

Plotting is hard, man. Completely get why some people pre-write a whole fic before posting! Starting to think I need a spreadsheet for all these converging plotlines - maybe with separate columns for hints, foreshadowing, and then the actual information given!

So I got curious about the nudey painting, and APPARENTLY it's supposed to be Corellon himself. It's called The Lay of Larethian (and in the description: "Here Corellon is not shown as a beautiful golden haired elven God, but as a dark haired elven Goddess, the body mirrored and contorted with a delicious grace and embedded upon maroon muslin.") and I'm INCREDIBLY tickled by the idea of him doing a gender-bend self-insert of the fucking elven patron god of magic, music, arts, crafts, poetry, and warfare. The idea of this being YET ANOTHER PHASE OF HIS THE SPAWN HAD TO LIVE THROUGH 💀

EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING IS ACCURATE BUT, I'M SORRY... LARIAN IS PLAYING US. THEY HAVE TO BE.

A) THAT'S 100% A GUY AND

B) THERE'S LIKE... A TASTEFUL CORPSE IN THE BACKGROUND??? HOW IS THAT NOT SOME CAZADOR NONSENSE.

I'm 100% subscribing to the idea that Cazador just commissioned a self portrait inspired by Corellon's image. And there was like, a lot of empty space in the background so he dragged a dead body in from the cellar and just flopped it nearby. You think this is bad, imagine if you were there when he got really into amateur taxidermy.

writing update

Just wanted to update people re:hiatus. Turns out, installing a site skin on AO3 that removes stats was exactly what I needed! It's helped reign in my competitiveness immensely, so I really highly recommend it if you also write fic and suffer from the same sort of fixation.

Plotting is going well, both for FATWR and other one-shots, so I decided on a couple of goals before I get back to regular posting. I want to have (1) one-shot done and ready to post, and (3) chapters of FATWR as a buffer. In terms of wordcount:

For All The Wrong Reasons: chapter 22 is done, 23 is at 0% (but will be much easier to write, so should be quick), and 24 is at ~5.5k so far, about 70% finished

Gith!Durge one-shot, still untitled: about 30% done, should end up around 10k I think

Astarion/f!cleric!Tav/Shadowheart summer BBQ threesome fic: chillin at 15%

Other than that, I'm currently following dracula daily for the first time (never read dracula before!) so fingers crossed that inspires some gothic vampy goodness ;)

Anywho, hiatus over by the end of the month, probably!

WIP Wednesday

Gale’s portal sparked to life beside her own, crackling with energy, and cast a purple-ish blue light over Astarion’s face that did him no favors—indeed, it brought out the corpse-like pallor, the thinness of the skin beneath his eyes, the blue veins, highlighted; but he pressed his lips together as if he meant to bite them, and something softened around the eyes, wider and rounder, and even the sharp line of his brow smoothed out, and yet—even angry, or petty, Astarion was still the single most handsome man she’d ever seen. “I...” Astarion started, but the words must have gotten caught in his throat, for he said nothing further.

Little teaser of Chapter 22! Ao3 link for For All The Wrong Reasons

Note I just wrote myself for an upcoming chapter:

Oh god what if raphael pops up as the sun is rising, they just got back to camp, fucking exhausted, and he just shows up, starbucks in hand

yeah it's time to go to bed.

Now, swanning in to drink out of Tav's coffee mug, now that would be a power move... personally I don't think he'd do that typically, but to mess with Tav? absolutely

Also: Chapter 3 edited, mostly spelling and grammar, though I did alter Tav’s impression of Gale a bit to make more sense with her character. I know a lot of people liked the smut in that chapter so I only polished it a little but mostly left it the same.

I don’t usually connect characters to songs, but I think Cazador would really like Muse. Early 2000s Muse that is, definitely not the later anti-government themes, and specifically the song Hysteria. Peak obsessive vibes, lovely stuff.

The day I decide to pursue a masters and shell out for some GRE prep materials is, of course, the day I get an offer for a phone screening. Ahhh!

In other news, I’m almost over my cold and am super stoked to get writing again. I did a lot of plotting for both my oneshot and the main fic, and have most things ironed out except for the ending. There’s a difference between what I think the characters would do and the sort of story I want to tell - but then again, Tav and others could surprise me. She’s done that before. I’ve also been thinking about David Lynch and some things he’s said regarding endings, namely:

“As soon as a show has closure, it gives you an excuse to forget you’ve seen the damn thing.”

And that’s true for fic as well. The fics that stick with me the most are ones where the ending doesn’t provide closure, doesn't wrap up the narrative into a nice little package with a simple message, or where it feels like you’re watching a train wreck in the making but are helpless to stop it: predictable, unstoppable, yet viscerally horrifying. I don't want a bad ending - I want both Tav and Astarion to be happy - but of the three possible endings I've considered thus far, they're all varying amounts of bittersweet. (And no, it's not about Ascending Astarion or not lol. It's not unimportant, but not the biggest deciding factor.) So overall I'm still thinking about it. Letting it cook (as people say? I think? I exclusively learn new slang from second-hand exposure to MTG YouTubers, apparently.)

Anyway, I've got 13 chapters plotted out for Act 3, but it's probably gonna be more like 20-25 depending on how much other characters act up. I really wanted to make it shorter than Act 2 but that's just not happening!

Anyway, on a more concrete note: Gith!Durge oneshot this month, and I'll probably update FATWR either at the end of May or sometime in June. I think those are pretty reasonable goals based on where I'm at right now :)

What are some traits of the most impactful endings you've read?

Editing the older chapters is so interesting. Everything's rather stripped down compared to my later work. I remember thinking "we've all seen those scenes, there's no point in describing what Astarion looks like or what he's doing, we all know the gestures he makes", which... I rather disagree with now? There's a lot that is conveyed through body language that I feel wasn't as obvious before the edit.

Idk. A lot of modern writing advice can be summed up as "strip away everything excessive until you've pared it down to the bones", but I read so fast that the story just flies by me if I write that way. I like the lingering looks and deliberate silences, but it's certainly padding out the word count, and I'm not objective enough to really say if that's a good thing or not.

Astarion does not have a 10 Charisma score because he's not charming or he's not a good liar. He is both of those things! That's why he has proficiency in Persuasion and expertise in Deception! That is why thousands of people both in game and out of game are insane about him.

He has a 10 Charisma because he has basically no force of personality.

He could be the most charming person in the world and he'd still have 10 charisma because the second anyone with a stronger personality tells him to do what they say— doesn't even have to be a direct order, just a suggestion ("It's up to you, but...") — he's going to do it. Whether it's telling him to say please and thank you or to do something that he really and truly hates.

as annoying as the established writerly phenomenon of "I've been stuck on this awkward little transition scene for days and finally realized the story would be stronger if I just cut it" is, it doesn't hold a candle to "I've done the reflection and this awkward little transition scene I've been stuck on for days is actually load-bearing, which means that unfortunately I still need to write the damn thing."

The day I decide to pursue a masters and shell out for some GRE prep materials is, of course, the day I get an offer for a phone screening. Ahhh!

In other news, I’m almost over my cold and am super stoked to get writing again. I did a lot of plotting for both my oneshot and the main fic, and have most things ironed out except for the ending. There’s a difference between what I think the characters would do and the sort of story I want to tell - but then again, Tav and others could surprise me. She’s done that before. I’ve also been thinking about David Lynch and some things he’s said regarding endings, namely:

“As soon as a show has closure, it gives you an excuse to forget you’ve seen the damn thing.”

And that’s true for fic as well. The fics that stick with me the most are ones where the ending doesn’t provide closure, doesn't wrap up the narrative into a nice little package with a simple message, or where it feels like you’re watching a train wreck in the making but are helpless to stop it: predictable, unstoppable, yet viscerally horrifying. I don't want a bad ending - I want both Tav and Astarion to be happy - but of the three possible endings I've considered thus far, they're all varying amounts of bittersweet. (And no, it's not about Ascending Astarion or not lol. It's not unimportant, but not the biggest deciding factor.) So overall I'm still thinking about it. Letting it cook (as people say? I think? I exclusively learn new slang from second-hand exposure to MTG YouTubers, apparently.)

Anyway, I've got 13 chapters plotted out for Act 3, but it's probably gonna be more like 20-25 depending on how much other characters act up. I really wanted to make it shorter than Act 2 but that's just not happening!

Anyway, on a more concrete note: Gith!Durge oneshot this month, and I'll probably update FATWR either at the end of May or sometime in June. I think those are pretty reasonable goals based on where I'm at right now :)

What are some traits of the most impactful endings you've read?

far too old to care about fandom opinions i am an adult with a *sees a take* hm. never mind actually. i am in fact so blessed to have a huge brain and correct inconsequential opinions on fictional characters. there but for the grace of god go i

Baldur's Gate 3 locations 25/?

Behold, an orange boy!!!

Everyday I resist the urge to spam cat pics here.

Really just goes to show how unpleasant instagram is nowadays - can't remember the last time I actually saw a friends cat on insta in years.

(Is Tav's cat in FATWR one of my cats? Yes. Am I going to post a pic of him the day we actually get to meet him in the fic? Also yes. He's incredibly photogenic, and deserves all the attention and love.)

Everyday I resist the urge to spam cat pics here.

Really just goes to show how unpleasant instagram is nowadays - can't remember the last time I actually saw a friends cat on insta in years.

(Is Tav's cat in FATWR one of my cats? Yes. Am I going to post a pic of him the day we actually get to meet him in the fic? Also yes. He's incredibly photogenic, and deserves all the attention and love.)