haven’t really been on here in ages- had all these articles I was going to share and proper nerdy posts to make but really who has the time 😔

Also gave up all my socials for Lent and felt I’d get stuck on here if I returned. Made a year at my job @ the streaming service the other day which has been… idk how I feel about it. I still work a weirdo late shift so I may or may not be in the office now, sitting alone, getting the setting sun on my cheek. The schedule is not conducive of socializing. Have thoughts on the Tony noms,, although mostly petty ones as I have been so uninterested in just about every musical this season and only technically saw DOWAR, (off-Broadway because I feared I couldn’t recreate my magical/chaotic night @ the Atlantic) and Prayer for the French Republic V pleased for their collective noms. Re: Days of Wine and Roses-Idc that they closed. Where’s their best musical? Orchestration? Some of these nominees… I have to remind myself New York, New York was up for a TON last year. Sorry to all involved but BOY was that show,,, tragic to me. Had the bones on a surface level but refused to come together for me every step of the way. My friend won the lotto post-Tonys and we went on a lark, and our lukewarm feelings translated into the show announcing its closing that very night. My power, if you will.

volunteered @ my local theatre for a night and left wanting to cry because I’ve been getting v into ~acting craft~ recently, and all the community people are so nice but I can’t do any work on any production,, so sad but nice to be asked to stage manage a One-Act Festival,,,

I do background work on my weird Monday off from work & had two really cool experiences recently! Worked on a film with less than 30 others w/ a huge, half up-and-coming star that I’m pumped about- did they even look my way? No. But they were locked in & it was a real cool set-up. Would it have been nicer if the costume and prop and makeup people didn’t rub fake dirt over all of us extras? Yes. But I got paid the union rate and met some really cool people, including a gentleman 33 years sober who was greatly moved by Days of Wine and Roses! And you know what? He brought up the show, not me.

also did a fancy streamer show I’m quite stoked on- got placed right in the action in the scene, the lead walked right up to me as he swapped with his stand-in and said hi, which is such a minimal thing (and I don’t do it to leer @ stars or w/e) but he thought he was sitting next to me the whole scene and was being friendly. The seat next to me was unfortunately empty by design, but there were a ton of takes where the only people visible were the two actors & me. Which,, is crazy. Like they cleared the room and I was just sat there. Can’t give context, but boy was I actually acting for once. To the extent I was sure I was doing too much. But no one said anything, except the friends I made hours prior on the bus during our early call time, who were thrilled on my behalf about the great placement.

trying to join the union now which is crazy, and maybe a mistake, but the hourly pay is better than my full-time job at a v reputable media company. Know my worth or something? Even if I worked on just the occasional Monday, it’d be great money, and better gigs/placement on jobs. And who knows, maybe I’d put in for even better gigs. Right now I’m chained to the 3pm-11pm, and the dogs I walk in the morning.

saw Prayer for The French Republic with my friend a while back which we sobbed through & had a truly enriching convo on life & religion and such at dinner afterwards. I also saw Teeth at Playwrights which was a wild treat, it was still in previews, literal Michael R. Jackson was in the lobby, my mother felt bad I was going alone and INSISTED I bring her with,, imagine how I felt when my tickets were center SECOND ROW and not in the fourth row, and I was sat next to my mom watching vagina-has-teeth, the musical. She was crazed when we left. I warned her prior, but once she committed to going with me, it was pointless to remind her the concept of the show. Quite the time! It’s one thing to be close enough to occasionally make eye contact with the actors, and another to be locked in an intense gaze with Steven Pasquale as he plays a pervy gynecologist, plunging his arm into someone. Was shaking in my boots. They’re hinting on moving it somewhere which I am against! but as long as it lives off-Broadway it can still rock, I think.

anyway anyway. Trying to write more and be more around art & dig myself out of this rut I’m stuck in. This time last year I was fruitlessly waiting to hear if I got a Stage Manager fellowship with the City Center. It was a nice thought at the time! Maybe one day. The market is so weird I’d have to win the lottery and have a generous offer before I’d be comfortable actually quitting my job for something else. I’m unsure. Feels like I’m wasting away, in friendly enough company at least.

been reading War and Peace (or trying to!) which I jokingly refer to as WAP to myself. Tolstoy would get a kick out of that one, I’m sure. Enjoying Matt Koplick’s Broadway Breakdown podcast which may sound very geeky to admit but he’s very well-informed and isn’t afraid to have a real opinion on modern theatre! Maybe that sounds conservative-coded, but I mean he is never downright cruel, but willing to say some shows were bad (and why! In academic detail) and I’ve got into some great peices & performers listening to his work. I recommend. See also: BdJ on the Drama podcast recently, I am not a frequent listener by any means- the only other one I think I’ve caught was Kelli’s back last year? But what a great listen. (Seriously)

anyway anyway. I love a long-read. I think my writing is half-nonsensical here, but here we are. I enjoy the tiny little community of people I follow on here. Trying to go back to this blog’s roots- inspiration! Art! Action!

Jack Lemmon is so loud in this movie, SO LOUD! but also they just revealed his character was wearing a male corset, so we have to give even more kudos to the costume designer. knowing how much this film cost is wild but they are using every penny for lush scenery, costuming, props and set dressing! The brawl scene in the southern town went crazy. chaotic and I am laughing but also so so goofy. yahoo

oh we love double casting LOL

now watching:

The Great Race (1965)

broadway flea!

was planning on going into the city & meeting a friend @ the flea the other week and then also ended up winning the Some Like it Hot lottery! I didn’t purchase anything crazy and ended up passing up on some v cheap Leopoldstadt props because they just seemed impractical to own offstage (an e-cigar and prop newspapers printed in Polish I believe? Very cool but I was really on the hunt for general merch).

Anyway, it was a nice day and my first time at the flea- always very cool being surrounded by people who like the same sort of things you do & love supporting the arts. Some Like It Hot was fantastic, although we snuck way forward in our mezzanine seats because capacity was LACKING. Such a shame it’s closing because this is the kind of show that deserves to have a long & happy life on Broadway for the choreography and sheer talent alone :// still thinking about random holes in the book but also got my mini Jack Lemmon DVD haul when I got home that night (Jack Lemmon you will always be famous) and will have to consult w/ the OG film. Smh if someone did Promises, Promises this season and SLH wasn’t closing before Days of Wine and Roses opens the Jack Lemmon musical universe we could’ve witnessed… anyway!

Below are the bad pictures I took of my haul. You would also impulse buy bdj paraphernalia if you saw “vintage” playbills for $1. I’ve been meaning to read Harvey’s memoir since it came out and someone had it at a table for like 5 bucks. Realized Harvey was oh,,, feet away in one of the autograph areas all day later as I was walking around with his book and a torch song playbill only a few days later,, it was a screaming-into-my-pillow revelation. Not like I’d approach him, but!!

I am enjoying the book though! It’s getting me out of a terrible reading slump. Irl I only have a general idea of his work, so it’s been a great dive into the industry at the time he came up (he was in a production of a play Andy Warhol did?) and the craft and culture. Anyway anyway, always good to get into Manhattan and pretend I’m part of it all & not working two jobs with annoying hours that regulate me to being a strictly Sunday matinee attendee where I write my bad play in my free time. Ah well! I’d like to make posts that aren’t terrible in the future too- but who has the time!

Had a free Sunday last weekend and was like boy I wish She Came to Me was playing in a slightly closer theater because I don’t wanna go into Manhattan for it unless something is going on,,, and when I tell you that night as I was trying to go to sleep I saw that the writer/director and bdj were at a screening that had a q&a afterwards,,, bummer to say the least!! truly every win I have is followed by comical losses because I’ve been loving Title of Show recently and was thrilled (and saddened) that there was like a box full of sealed CDs from their Broadway run at the flea. The next day I went to put it into my car player that houses some other cast albums and,,, it didn’t get eaten but it won’t go in :// I’ve got things playing now on it now, but the 3 cds in my car are not ejecting… cursed to live in a 2003 SUV!!

My little haul, complete w/ cursed bdj in my bag on the train, Jack Lemmon classics not readily avail on streaming (woohoo physical media!). I will have a different strategy next time but also the price u pay liking random, smaller shows! Although the guy at the Dancers Over 40 table who had me looking in the binder with vintage playbills from the ‘60s for Titanic,, it’s not that old!!! Please, that would make me about that old! I promise u it’s not! Also my OG seat vs the one I snappes during intermission after we moved up. We were like the 10th people to do so but I was scared the usher was going to murder us in cold blood. (She didn’t). Not pictured is the other part of the order which came the other day, the Sweet Smell of Success & short stories book I got too. the intersection Musical theatre and classic films,, maybe I am having a hyper-fixation!!

my brother's birthday this weekend///the passage of time// seeing the energy he puts into other relationships when he's hated me my entire life guts me on a truly deep level//every time he visits I feel crazy and stay up at night weeping /he had 40 drinks the other night and I sat up wondering if he'd asphyxiate in his sleep as his girlfriend lay over him in our living room, lifting his lifeless hand// the next morning everyone was laughing and he wasn't hungover.

forever thinking this is my brother (to any of them) and I need a shovel to love him. feel so so small and shrunken down always trying to defend/explain myself at home- there are unwritten rules I must follow but they are fiercely gendered and only apply to me. growing up I'd tell people I have 3 brothers and they'd act like I said I was raised by wolves. horror and disgust. how do you live??

A Brother Named Gethsemane" by Natalie Diaz // The sacrifice of Abel by Johann Sadeler // Rihanna's verse in FourFiveSeconds // Hey Rosey by The National // "We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie // Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears // Family Line by Conan Gray

Re-reading my review where I was like “in my heart of hearts, idk about a transfer 💔” and today I saw the new and was like “RAHHHH LET’S GOOOOO!!” Truthfully idk how it’ll play to a bigger space but hmmm like how can I not go see it on Broadway? Also the first picture is cropped weird but I love theatre people so much it’s been a hoot today

ladies & gentlemen… we are so back

ladies & gentlemen… we are so back

my brother freaked out on my behalf tonight while I tried to explain to him what it’s like to pursue a career in a creative field/the arts. Fully said something like “I- I’m sad for you.”

It went like

me: well I’m working on a play right now that I wanted to submit to a one-act festival at the local theater, but they probably wouldn’t produce it based on content

him: what? So you’re setting yourself up for failure?

me: …no, I was using it as a goalpost but I’m still writing it, if there’s interest anywhere, it m it might be produced, just not there. It’s just that their building is technically owned by the archdiocese, and since there’s adult language & themes it probably wouldn’t get a green light.

him: so you just gotta hope someone else might put it on? But what if they don’t? All that for nothing?

me: well, I have to finish it, which means I’ll have to have people read it which is scary, and based on feedback it’ll go through some edits and ideally I’ll be able to workshop it somewhere and edit it, and then maybe it’ll get produced/performed somewhere, or I could publish it in some capacity & ideally would get paid every time it gets produced, if that happens.

him: so you’re just like… hoping someone want to put it on? But they might not?

me: well yeah, and no, that’s not the only reason I write but- most writers have like 4 finished books sitting in a drawer and the 5th one may get published

he’s incredulous. He doesn’t understand how I can’t just apply to work in a writer’s room for a television show somewhere. I explain that this is how it is for everyone, it’s unsustainable, you make it big or you struggle. I give info on the strike. Actors wait tables and audition and take classes at night and do low-paying/unpaid workshops for the chance to get noticed, they put so much work into auditions that lead nowhere, people work for years on things that run on Broadway for 3 months, etc etc

Him: so you’re either DiCaprio or a waiter?

Me: yeah, basically.

Him: why- and I’m not saying give up on your dreams, but like I realized I’d never be a pro baseball player and moved on. Why keep doing this? There’s no money and- and no stability? I’m so stressed for you, [insert reference to my current job & general availability/resume-building around it] aren’t you out of your mind?

Me: yes. But you do it because you love it. And you have to anyway, even if it goes nowhere. I couldn’t do what you do. I’d be miserable. More miserable than [at my day job]. But this is how it is. And this is what I want to do.

days of wine and roses cast recording being recorded,, you love to see it. I will go back to posting more academic things on this blog at some point

Some thoughts on me seeing Days of Wine and Roses like,, almost a month ago now but I don't feel like editing it other than to add a few extra bits in bold & at the end. Overall, I really enjoyed it! Intrigued at what's next for the cast & crew, and if I could see it again/replicate my first viewing I probably would.

My thoughts, like film have developed and I am mostly out of a terribly weird headspace that I was unfortunately stricken w/ this weekend and I gotta say I loved Days of Wine and Roses.

~~~~~~~

I do think it’s perfect in the theatre it is right now & while I would LOVE for it’s actors to win very big awards for it and do believe they are due… for me a transfer is not the right move. Willing to debate on it! I think the story is important and unique and beautifully told but,, I also think the set/sound/lighting design @ Atlantic is special and can’t imagine it staged differently. It perfectly fits that space and needs that intimate of an audience, in my opinion.

anyway, this isn’t a full review & no one cares, but I’m so stoked with how things turned out & with my friend and I scoring great cancellation ticket seats & seat upgrades for a very cheap price and the fact that REDACTED who I adore was also there. my friend spoke to them while I blacked out- it was very neat. So embarrassed of myself for our post-show interactions that I’ve physically cringed and tensed up every time I think about it but! The show keeps replaying in my head and I’ve been thinking more and more about how it was told and listening to the demos and I just think how great is it to see a new piece of live theatre! I went in knowing a barebones plot (and purposely avoided real reviews, the demos, and the original movie) and was so happy to go on that ride. I do so so wish my mental health wasn’t being all finicky because I think I would’ve been all the more immersed in it but- nothing I can do about that. Luckily I didn’t say much of anything to the redacted actors in question, but my lack of interaction with one while my friend spoke to them and kept nudging me & my theatre equivalent of “good game” to the other will haunt me forever ❤️ my only consolation is I believe I wasn’t memorable in my presence & that maybe 1 day I’ll properly meet these people who I literally adore as a fellow creative. Wouldn’t that be nice. Until then, I will continue to beat myself up about it LOL. It’s so,,, I hasten to actually explain it more, but I feel about 3 feet tall thinking about it.

And did they drink ANY wine the whole time??? I’m very Kirsten in the first few scenes-coded in that I don’t drink and really never should be convinced to, haha. So I’m not super knowledgeable on names of booze- but I think I would have noticed them drinking wine, red wine at least. And no roses, just sad tulips. Oh! I could go on about the 2 little transition scenes they do with ok, both the “wine” (the bag from the liquor store that they have you you to believe is only holding one bottle) and the “roses” (the soon-to-die Tulips). Like it’s set up as a bit of like? Something to watch while they’re moving things around but actually? It reappears in the actual plot in a large way. And so many moments echo and mirror each other in words, actions, and song between Joe and Kirsten, but the reprises (so to speak) are new and fresh. Just so so neat. What a fun & exciting new piece of theatre. And why is the rolling out of the bed all the way to the front of the stage so funny? maybe it just was to me.

anyway anyway I have a lot of thoughts/they keep coming in and like loading which is wild. Like I’m joking but it’s as if I blacked out?? Perhaps someone on here will appreciate the image of me debating just buying closing night tickets even though I was too cheap to spend full price on any other performance// but a newer friend of mine posted a story of like, the New York Times review on opening night and I responded to it like “I’ve been dying to see this show!” and he was like “yeah haha it’s really good I’m working press on it lol isn’t that funny and I had to take a group pic with Kelli and was emailing her to arrange something and she saw me and called me over by name and gave me a hug- I didn’t know she knew my name!” I worked with this guy on the show I stage-managed recently and he’s in the process of quitting his sweet sweet press agent job and I’m not a close enough friend to acquire tickets from him and let me tell you,,, I was absolutely losing my mind reading this .

cut to my (other, closer) friend and I rolling up to the show without tickets the other night, with just hope & a dream and we were like 'wouldn’t it be funny if we saw like ~celebs/Broadway people because a lot of them are off tonight?' and we were chatting about watching the Tony's and stage-dooring and other unrelated stuff & we get tickets after 20 minutes and go to dinner and when we come back she’s like look it’s REDACTED TONY WINNER and I’m like omg. We go to step into the building proper and who do I see but my literal favorite actor at the moment other than REDACTED who is in the show and I was like friend it’s REDACTED! and she’s like go say hi and I’m like??? No I will not be doing that. And she’s like but he’s your favorite! And hey, we’re here to see REDACTED, who’s your other favorite! It’s a big night for you! But she was so loud that I was like looking straight ahead embarrassed that the random people in line would hear us. Literally what a time though, we had standing room tickets and then we got moved up like twice to center row, perfect view seats. Literally like a day later I was finally like O MY GOSH about it all,,, the desire to not be crazy about any of it and keep cool made me robotic in the moment and I’m very pro leaving-people-who-don’t-know-me-alone, so the circumstances were odd.

Anyway I literally have a notes app I keep throwing thoughts at about the most random moments from the show or the staging and it’s v good theatre. Like I enjoyed it, but wasn’t in love or anything but the more I stew on it, it’s a random choice of adaptation, a weird little show, its stars (including the actress playing their kid) are arguably all too old for their roles, there’s a song in Norwegian?? the opening number didn’t give me the ick but I was scared for my life that Brian was singing all of his lines// like I knew it was going to be a “two-hander” and read that the others other than the kid don’t really sing but that opener,,, I was like o no do I hate this? But also the set was so cool and as a recent big fan of Brian is was v cool to literally see him irl (lame I know) but why does the cast just pose in the beginning and slay for like 30 seconds? Idk but it was v 1950s chic of them idk idk we literally were clapping like,,, YEAH 👏👏👏 yeah! 👏👏 . And the scatting/jazziness of it all, I literally was shook but so pleasantly surprised by it all. What a treat! New musicals!!!

ok i literally never resolved the point I was making that the opening scene was not my thing and I was a bit scared I was going to hate it, but really enjoyed like the following 90%! Something about the first song is that it shouldn't be a song, in my opinion. I get why people are tempted to call it a play with songs, but I do think it's a real musical. Just was a bit cursed watching Joe singing right off the bat when no one else did, imo! If I were to see it/hear it again I may come around to it, but something about the way he was like half-singing was weird to me lol

but also randomly saw something from a video (that I haven’t watched as of yet) of Kelli saying they were supposed to open on BROADWAY February 2021 I think?? (tell me they wouldn't have closed immediately w/ omicron? or am i mistaken, I watched like 3 shows I was rooting for that season close early, and there were a TON) Literally the more I think about the show I’m like,, respectfully don’t transfer to Broadway,, it’s so special where it’s at, like I know Atlantic announced its next season I feel? But I don’t know what theatre it would fit in correctly, they’re all too big and the opposite of the intimate experience it is rn. In a perfect world I literally want them to film this version (which I know is the epitome of highly unlikely) but also, I think realistically other than the star power of the cast and creative team it’s such a hard sell for your typical theater-goer or tourist and I would hate for its history to be one of a flop like,, what have we learned from The Sweet Smell of Success :((( I also learned via Kelli ‘s own post and someone’s reference on here that there’s a full boot of that…someone please me up with a link!

So what have we learned. A lot of takes I have not shared,,, it turns out I can get starstruck and it’s so embarrassing it makes me want to scream. Show is good! I’d love a cast recording and for it to not just die but,,, I’m fearful of the idea of a transfer- it seems like it’s likely happening anyway, someone on the team commented on Kelli’s ig about the Tony's all like “excited for next year!” And my press agent friend is all “they’re eying a transfer!” And it’s not that they don’t deserve it but… idk I will remain skeptical of that. I truly believe it can be a success where it is now, and that just because it isn’t a Broadway show doesn’t mean it isn’t impactful and rewarding creatively and etc etc there is the part in my brain like this is Brian’s Tony tho, no?

I firmly believe had everything w/ Next to Normal gone down differently he would have beat those little Billy Elliots’s in a heartbeat, but I digress. Like other than SSOS which I only have a idea of (and no clue about that year’s competition from the top of my head) he’s been up for 2 comedic roles which are hard sells in a category with “proper,” dramatic roles nominated -as in, actors who appeared in a leading role in a drama- and then ITW-which I have thoughts on separate from who his competitors were- which tows that line and sadly like,, it wasn’t even close for him. I feel like every nom he’s had doesn’t even quite show off how talented he is as an actor like idk how to describe it, but idk. I want a Chip Zien nom & win for Harmony, which my brain tells me may be a featured role but if it’s lead… all hypothetical but I’m not rooting on the show’s downfall… I just think it’s perfect where it is.

Anyway... chaotic highly informal thoughts but I also have a few screengrabs from my notes app note I am going to paste below. Would love to hear someone else's thoughts, and am willing to say, obviously, one of the REDACTED's in question is BdJ.

BdJ in that one scene of Days of Wine and Roses

art art art!

“A man is lying on his deathbed and in the independence gained by the proximity of death, he says: “I have spent my life fighting the desire to end it.” Then a pupil mocks his teacher, who talks of nothing but death: “You’re always talking about death and yet you do not die.” “And yet I will die. I’m just singing my last song. One man’s song is longer, another man’s is shorter. At most, however, they differ by only a few words.””

— Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

- December 13, 1911

- The diaries of Franz Kafka, 1910-1913

[ID: December 13. Because of fatigue did not write and lay now on the sofa in the warm room and now on the one in the cold room, with sick legs and disgusting dreams. A dog lay on my body, one paw near my face. I woke up because of it but was still afraid for a little while to open my eyes and look at it. End ID]