floating-on-blog1 - Tumblr blog

floating-on-blog1 · 7 years

Text

10/5/17: Up-and-up

So...I guess in the last post one thing I didn’t really elaborate on was the breakup. And it’s an important thing in my life, recently; so I guess I should talk a bit about it.

Last Friday, like one day less than a week ago at this point, I broke up with my (now) ex. Honestly, though I’m the one who pulled the trigger on ending it, she pushed me to do it. She clearly didn’t want me there anymore. I was still very, desperately in love with her, willing to do just about anything to keep things going, but she was just shitting on my efforts for no apparent reason. So, I guess, I just couldn’t keep that up. She wanted me gone anyway.

Honestly, the days since have been super rough.

I already talked a little bit about my drunken birthday in the last post. And that sucked. But unfortunately, it just kept sucking after that. Monday was shit, Tuesday was shit, and Wednesday was shit. In fact, on Wednesday, after being unable to just hold it all inside myself for so long, I asked her best friend if we could talk a bit (I was friends with her too, but I have a feeling we’re not gonna have a relationship going forward. My ex got claim to her in the breakup, so to speak lol). And I just poured out everything to her. How alone I feel without my ex, how my friends all seem to be too busy to see me anymore since this semester started, how I had the shittiest birthday of my life by far, and just how worn down I was. Honestly, she tried her best to be there for me but didn’t have much to say.

In fact, I even learned from her that, well, my ex came to the conclusion that she had never loved me anyway. Just the relationship.

And I mean. That’s devastating.

It was a gut punch. I just felt even worse that night, if it was possible. I felt so worthless, tossed to the side, and used. Eventually I just told the friend that she shouldn’t be expected to deal with my problems, and just stopped texting her.

Aaaaand immediately texted another friend, who, on my birthday, told me if I ever needed to talk, she was there. So I was ready to cash in. I just unloaded everything about the relationship that I was so strung up about, which she knew almost nothing about. And she was supportive, and gave me some advice and ideas to move forward. So that’s helpful. At the time, i felt dismissive of that like everything else, but in retrospect, it’s allowed me some mental clarity I didn’t have before.

So this morning I woke up feeling terrible like usual.

Natural progression of feeling worse and worse until I get to class and am able to focus somewhat on the lecture, numbing my brain a little bit. I just started feeling worse and worse as class went on, and honestly once it was over I was just left empty again.

I thought, you know what, I dunno. Maybe I can get help. I need someone who can support me, and idk where I can even find it. I don’t wanna bother my friends. So my thought was, maybe I’ll look into counseling. My university offers it free, so I got onto their website. Took a self-evaluation test, said I might be experiencing depression symptoms. But w/e, this just started. It prolly isn’t even long term.

Honestly, I didn’t have the guts to go and actually set up an appointment or something. It feels like an admission of weakness. Ironically, i don’t feel strong enough to admit that i can’t just handle this with me and my friends. Feels like admitting I don’t have friends or something.

So then I took my friend from last night’s advice and checked out some student groups at my college. I got online and crawled through the directory of them, and emailed two interesting ones: a volunteering group (honestly, maybe doing something good and surrounding myself with people who wanna do good will give me some purpose in my life), and a slam poetry group (I’ve always loved the idea of it...never had the guts to put myself out there for it though). I felt better already, just imagining some hypothetical future where I can have a slick-ass poem prepared to get on stage and deliver it to a crowd of attentive, like-minded hipsters. I’m a narcissist, and I’m soooo ready for that.

And the rest of the day just got better. My roommate and I traded ridiculous jokes about our terrible programming homework, and later I went to work out with one of my friends, and he asked if I felt comfortable talking about my breakup.

And honestly, finally, I was comfortable. I did want to talk about it.

I told him just about everything I’ve told this blog diary, and a bit more. He listened and was understanding, and was happy to hear that today, I was doing better. He had noticed me being down, and I’d mentioned to him the previous day that things just felt rough. It felt good to finally open up.

Tonight, I thanked my friend from last night, and talked a bit more with her. I knew her in high school, but only occasionally texted her now. It seemed like she was doing really well in her college in a different state, which was great to hear about. And I told her how much better I was feeling, and how her advice had been helpful to me and let me recover a bit. And she was really happy to hear that, and I was just really happy to finally feel a bit more free. I don’t feel a slave to my worst emotions anymore. They’re still there, a bit, but they aren’t controlling me. They’re smaller. And me, inside my soul, I’m finally bigger than them again.

I feel like it’s time to remake myself.

I wanna double down on this slam poetry, or something else artsy. I wanna get even more hipstery. I like all that pretentious shit, tbh. I wanna be in it, and just indulge. I wanna meet new people, too. I want all sorts of interesting new friends. I want to get out of the computer science tech crowd and find different types of people—and not just dudes! There’s waaaayy too many men in computer science, for the record, and I know I’m just contributing to the problem...but I actually really like programming, so sue me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Well, anyway. That’s how I’m doing. I’m better!

And somehow, I never made a sad blog. I think I just didn’t want my second only blog to be a total downer. Maybe you’ll still get one soon! We’ll see. It’s 2AM here—have a good night!

#diary #life #relationships #breakup #recovery #new me #student #college

0 notes

floating-on-blog1 · 7 years

Text

Intro to Me!

Hello world!

My name is Michael, and I’m 20 years old. I literally turned 20 two days ago, and I’ve had some experience with Tumblr, but today I decided it was time for a fresh start and a new blog. And well, I only thought of this all a few minutes ago, but it would be pretty cool if I made the blog about my twenties, right? I mean, I’m finally a twenty-something now. I’m firmly in the domain of the young adults. I’m ready to see how this goes, and if anyone is reading, I’m sure you’re ready too!

So, about me.

As I said, I’m twenty years old, and I’m a college student in Minnesota. I don’t know how many specifics I actually wanna give cuz well...depending on how personal this gets, I may not want to be able to be identified by it! I study computer science, and I’ve kinda always wanted to be a video game developer, and in recent years I’ve really fallen for the romance of the indie developer image. Individually pushing the boundaries of the medium sounds hella fun to me.

Aside from that, I just like technology and stuff a lot, though I also really love the outdoors and just the sense of peace i get from them. I also like to think I’m a mildly creative type, and to that end I’m minoring in product design. I’m a decent student, though not great. It’s really hard to get me to study for something, it’s just so tedious and boring. I much prefer actually making something that serves a purpose. It’s so fulfilling to make SOMETHING (preferably a program tbh) that is good at what it’s supposed to do and satisfying to yourself and to others.

So I’m freshly 20! My birthday, for the record, was alright. To be honest, I kinda recently went thru a messy breakup and on my bday...honestly I just went over to a friend’s and got drunk.

Pro tip: getting drunk is only fun when you’re happy.

I’d never been sad-drunk before, so this was a new learning experience for me. Hopefully it’ll be more fun next year, when I’m getting drunk legally for the first time!

This was also my first birthday completely away from my family, and honestly, I miss them. Like I don’t hold it against them, but my friends are too busy and poor to do anything too nice for me on my bday. Though in their defense, i had originally planned to spend the weekend with my ex, so they were put on the spot when they weren’t supposed to be ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That honestly is part of what made the day not that great! Missing her sucked! But honestly, sometimes, like now, it feels like this is just a moment of clarity to sort of “reset” and work really hard on myself, more than I’ve done before. Time to hit the gym! Time to get outside more! Time to join a new club!

Time to be 20!

Thanks for reading! I’ll be updating you for the next decade...if I feel like it!

#20 #twenty-something #birthday #diary #programming #game development #indiedev #computer science #minnesota

0 notes