girls love it when there's a bisexual man btw

fact #1: dishwashers have filters to catch soggy food particles

fact #2: if you are learning fact #1 for the first time from this post, you need to drop whatever you're doing and go clean this filter on your dishwasher right now immediately

stupid little rats

writing smut is not about the sex it's about reading about the construction of 1790s menswear on a middle aged woman's 10-15 year old wordpress blog

What to Wear when Divorcing Your Husband

- article from Arktika, Winter 2016

Gentle reader, as you know, we at Arktika try to avoid writing anything which could be considered either “useful” or “advice”, preferring to leave such fare for your typical supermarket check-out “ladies’ mag”, but our hand, regrettably, has been forced in this instance by a deplorable trend in recent days, which is, simply put, that all too many women, otherwise adequate in matters of fashion, when confronted with the task of selecting an ensemble to wear to divorce proceedings, absolutely crumble, committing inexcusable blunders - the cost of which, in lost alimony, objets d’art, boats, cars, and lake houses - but far more importantly, in wounded pride and injuries to one’s self-respect - totaled across all such proceedings, cannot be overstated, and which could be easily and directly remedied were the would-be divorcées to heed a simple set of instructions such as the following:

I. Every choice you make, in apparel or accessories or demeanor, has the twofold goal of projecting your own certainty in the rightness and inevitability of what you are owed, and sowing confusion and doubt in the heart of your soon-to-be ex-husband. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking of your trial as a simple demonstration of the merits of your case to an impartial judge. Nothing could be further from the truth: the judge is all-but-irrelevant, and your contest is with your once-husband. Plague him with uncertainties. Keep him off balance. Eventually, he will err, and the day (and the yacht) will be yours. It is another trap to play to the pity of the judge. Oh, it may well procure material gain, at least in the short term, but remember that once you leave court, you still need to be able to look your peers in the eye, and how can you do that after teary-eyed groveling appeals in front of, not only the judge, but your ex-husband, your attorneys, your personal assistant, and the inevitable society reporters as well? You cannot; fire any attorney who suggests such a thing. Lastly, do not conflate “certainty” with “confidence”. Confidence is a mere projection of strength, and cannot compete with the bedrock of certainty that you will get what is coming to you as surely as the sun rises.

II. Sunglasses are a must. This confuses some women. You do not wear sunglasses in court - and rightly so. You do, however, wear sunglasses into court, and cases are won and lost in the first five seconds. When you walk into the courtroom, your former partner will be scrutinizing your face for any hint as to your emotional state. Deny him. Understandably, some women feel they must “economize” under the uncertainty and strictures of a looming divorce; we have sympathy for these women, even if we cannot truly understand their position. If you must use thrift, the sunglasses are an obvious choice. As long as they do not look cheap or clash with anything else you are wearing, that will be fine. You absolutely cannot skimp on the sunglasses case, however. They must be designer; prepare to spend at least $150 on them.

III. You do have to purchase all-new clothes. This may seem excessive, but remember that the goal is to confound your opponent. Any article of clothing he recognizes, and God forbid any article of clothing he purchased for you, is a small constant: a connective ligament between who you were when he knew you and who you are now. Sever all such ties. Similarly, you will have to radically change your hair. If you have been wearing your hair at shoulder-length or longer, consider an asymmetrical bob. If your hair is chin-length, consider a boyish short cut. For heaven’s sake do not shave or “buzz” your head, however - that is a sign of grief or instability. IV. For your first divorce, keep it simple. A charcoal suit is fine. A black suit is better. Fitted, but not too fitted. We recommend straightforward pumps with no more than a three-inch heel, neither chunky nor stiletto. Oxfords should only be attempted if you are absolutely secure in your posture and bearing. Accessorize with plain jewelry - gold or silver, depending on your skin tone. You will have heard of other women who met with great success using other, more outré strategies - the black hooded cloak of an ill-omened prophet-bird, or the wild hair and ragged grey-green tuille of a sea witch, or completely nude. We cannot emphasize enough that these strategies are under no circumstances for beginners. There are far too many variables to consider, the stakes far too great, to attempt anything experimental. The sea witch only works in maritime court, which you are unlikely to see unless the whole of the proceedings revolve around the disposition of various boats; the otherworldly nature of the prophet-bird can be completely undercut should the proceedings take a turn for the squalid or ugly, which is frankly likely; and nudity can only even be considered with irreproachable cheekbones and a bearing that causes men instinctually to kneel at your passing. Stick to the basics for your first time round.

V. Avoid anything too sexy - for yourself. Your husband has likely seen you naked. If he can connect that image to the woman opposite him in court, that is an unacceptable fragment of continuity. Hold yourself aloof and unattainable. It should seem more likely to him that he dreamt or imagined your marriage than that he could ever have been with you. However, that pencil skirt and strappy sandals which you should not be wearing are ideal for your personal assistant. Again, it is important that she be wearing nothing your husband has ever seen her wear, but if she has been fiscally prudent and properly anticipatory of your needs, this should pose no difficulty. The distraction she will provide is valuable in and of itself, but consider - if you are comfortable with it - displaying a hairsbreadth more affection toward her than is entirely proper. No need for anything ribald; a simple half-second touch to the back of her hand, a meaningful look which lasts slightly longer than it needs to - these should suffice. This tactic will crack the composure of even the most hardened exes, and whatever whispers of it make its way through your peer group or even the society papers are very likely, in this era, to be more beneficial than damaging.

VI. You do have to hire a violinist to play Shinsuke Nakamura’s entrance theme when you walk in. However, do not think you have to hire, say, Midori or an artist of equal standing. The benefits of so demonstrating the depth of your resources and the breadth of your social connections will be overshadowed by the risk of you yourself being overshadowed during your entrance. This would be fatal. Any promising and presentable young Juilliard student will do perfectly well. Please remember that you are not performing Shinsuke Nakamura’s entrance - you are entering to Shinsuke Nakamura’s entrance theme. Dear reader, you are not a professional athlete, and death drops - even if somehow executed flawlessly in heels - are inadmissible as evidence. A level pace, a few measured words with your attorneys, a shared moment with your personal assistant - all undertaken with grace and composure - these will be amplified by the violin backdrop. Do make sure the young man or woman in question is capable of sitting quietly and without fidgeting. VII. Legal is requiring us to state that none of this advice will work for short women. It should go without saying that if you stand under 5′8″, all of the above advice is worthless to you. If you are such a woman and have somehow managed to acquire this copy of Arktika, please let us know so that we can fire our market research team.

You’re welcome, and happy divorcing.

Crazy to think that seagulls existed before french fries.

to me the year of a movie belongs in the title. it’s not fargo it’s fargo 1996. it’s not whiplash it’s whiplash 2014. dog day afternoon 1975. are you guys catching my cold here

i love characters who have no names. who have so many names and are known by different things to different characters and so the audience never finds out which one is the "correct" one. characters who had a name but refuse it (maybe for transgender reasons. maybe for trauma reasons. maybe for "the audience never gets to find out" reasons). characters who "earn" a name but reject it. characters who name themselves over and over and never stick to one for longer than they deem appropriate

there should be an oscar just for saying something this beautiful and true in a movie

stupid little rats

tumblr has either eaten this video of my cats or it will pop up seventeen times at some point. who could say

Have you ever started a project, thinking it was going to be a quick one-hour thing, only to have it expand into several weeks of complete misery? You haven't? Boys, get over here. We found us one of them replicants wearing a human face. Put them in the vat with the others.

Now that all the unpleasantness is over, we can dish about how awful our hobbies are. I've always been drawn to the small, intricate jobs in life. Fiddly stuff, things where you have to really be paying attention. Being awake enough to notice a strange sound, or a joint that doesn't quite go together right, is the only way to avoid an intractable crisis later. I think it's because I derive a lot of pleasure when it all falls into place and the damn thing works.

A couple years ago, I told a friend that I would really love to build a ship in a bottle. All that precision really appealed to me. Feeding parts one at a time through a tiny neck and assembling this beautiful work, made even more beautiful by forcing it to be pointlessly difficult.

He responded by telling me that nobody actually does it that way. What you do is you build the ship outside of the bottle, with the sail wrapped around it, and then you push it into the neck and use a piece of string to pop the sail back up once it's fully in there. I got really angry. So angry that I left the room, drove to the hospital, and "borrowed" one of their precision microsurgery robots for two rage-spittle-covered days straight to assemble a replica of the Emma Maersk inside a 500mL 7-Up bottle, but by the time I spitefully showed it to him he had completely forgotten about our conversation.

So, if you're like me and trying to stretch out a hobby to the point where it becomes no longer enjoyable, don't stop. Evaluate your motivations, though. Find a reason to do it out of spite. That'll keep you warm on the coldest nights of wondering what exact part in this billions-of-parts arrangement has decided to conk out long before you were even involved. And if you know a wealthy shipping magnate who wants to commission a bunch of weird-looking little boats inside pop bottles, you know where I am. Unless you're a replicant. That'll cost extra.

"You can not do it this way!" Soviet fire safety poster, 1967.

only choose the full ride option if it was a Full ride. if it was a partial scholarship and you paid the rest, choose able to afford it. if someone else paid for you, choose parent/family/etc. if you needed a loan for the rest, thats a yes, babey