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learningsanctum · 22 days

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April 30th, 2024

(insta: avecpeach)

TW: survivor, suicide attempts, cutting, depression mention and anxiety mention.

"A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." - Thomas Mann, Essays of Three Decades

I've been writing pretty much since I learned what words are. I can't barely remember a time where I didn't write thus I can't remember a time where I didn't express myself.

Sometimes quietly, pencil on the paper soothing the sharp edges of my soul.

Sometimes loudly, ripping apart pages when I couldn't rip my heart off.

Somehow... always alone.

In high school I had a brilliant friend with whom I could share my ideas with. We talked once a month despite being in the same homeroom* for the whole period of those long three years. Every time we talked it was like a explosion of new ideas and shared knowledge I believe I never had even with the "bestest" of my best friends.

We did also take the same bus back home. Once, after a particular day we spent attached at the hip, we entered the bus and we were talking about the medicines they had to take - because they had anxiety and depression - and somehow the conversation turned back to me.

I joked and said "I particularly have never been medicated nor diagnosed. So if I don't go looking for a problem then I won't have one." and that is a particular common phrase to here in my country, people often use to say they prefer to "avoid a possible headache" and obviously not meant to diminish mental health or anything of the sort.

They were telling me they took those medicines because they tried to kill themselves once, showing me the cuts and bruises in a proud manner as to say "I survived". In solidarity I decided to tell them I also had a problem with cuts back in middle school. That I used to cut myself and couldn't stop, sometimes it was more of an addiction then something to relief some kind of pain. I wanted them to see they could relate to me and I wouldn't judge them for their struggle.

I think their answer to knowing I stopped cutting myself on my own will forever be stuck in my mind, very deeply engraved in the cuts I recovered from.

"You do everything on your own, don't you?"

To be honest I was paralyzed for a moment. The sun filtered through the windows of the bus shining when it passed through their blond locks. The voices of the other kids were muffled all of the sudden and the grass of the field outside the bus windows were too green to be real. The sky too blue to be nice.

Somehow they were the only person I could read without trying from day one. How ironic is this that this ephemeral friendship would be able to read my soul right back to it's core? Just like I did to them.

Writing is what made me bound with them in the first place, so I think its only fair to address them in the same post as I address writing. They were poetry, one of the most brilliant mind I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Yet they had little and huge flaws that made them so real that for moments I felt I could reach her.

I don't think I have ever written about them in such manner, maybe because I was afraid of doing so and discovering some deeply buried feeling in me.

Even if they never know, they are the one who convinced me to follow my dream of being on the navy. They are the one who brought back my imagination in a time I thought I'd never be creative again.

And for that I'm grateful.

Because I don't know what I would be without writing.

Without expressing the deepest wishes of my heart.

Or darkest thoughts of my mind.

Writing might keep me alive but they saved me.

And I don't think they will ever know.

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learningsanctum · 24 days

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April 28th, 2024

A quick recap from my Sunday, which was fairly monotonous if not for my best friend's visit. I didn't see her for almost five months and it was absolutely lovely to catch up with her and getting to know "wassup" in her daily life!

My birthday was on January but the present she bought me (the pocket watch on the picture above) only arrived one month later, right after both of our routines changed and we stopped seeing each other frequently, even living on the same city, then things got chaotic and work started to require a lot more of me then I initially foresaw making me reschedule and postpone every time we agreed on meeting.

I invited her over to lunch since the weather was nice, which gave me the perfect excuse for me to cook since lately I haven't been having the time and cooking is absolutely soothing to me! It also gave her an excuse to eat something cooked by me which - and I quote - in her opinion is "the awesome cooking". I just think her opinion is not that reliable, you know? Eight years of friendship and I think she knows the right thing to say to me - oh, so romantic.

Over lunch we talked about some recurring problems of ours searching each other's aid or advice leading my friend to say a word I hadn't heard in ages: colhão.

Colhão simple translation would be testicles. However, it is an expression - ex.: "you gotta have colhão" - that means you that you have to have courage and stand up for yourself. Be brave. And I'm sure it is related to the old perception that only the man is courageous while the woman is delicate but I'm not going down this path... this time.

I let it pass by, we kept going with our conversation but something told me that wasn't something I should let go this easily. Although not very religious I do keep some costumes and beliefs with me that act like a compass to me most of the time. When me senses tell me to pay attention to something I obey - most of the times.

One day later I would be hearing the word again while talking about the same issue with other friends. Mina 0 | Mina's senses 1.

I didn't study much because I had her over for the afternoon and ended up not having anything else that is relevant to mention to do.

For more sunny, not warm not cold, breeze weathers like this last Sunday.

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learningsanctum · 26 days

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April 27th, 2024

Do you remember when OG "it girl" François de La Rochefoucauld went "perfect valor is to do, without a witness, all that we could do before the whole world" and it changed planet Earth's very core for generations to come? Me too.

Lately I have been trying to up my game on the company I work. Currently I have temporary contract but it does have a promise of promotion depending on my performance and, as most people would, I thrive on this promise. Which is why I'm so far away from my comfort zone - that would be law books, hiiiii law! - researching for books such as "How to Become a Successful and Valuable Executive for Companies" in the administration hub.

Although I think I look a little ridiculous reading those books - because they honestly look fake or one of those authors who just throws shitty advices on a book to earn an extra with the publication - I'm honestly giving those a chance. Maybe they can teach me something! I'm all for learning more so if it's learning something you shouldn't be doing! What if the book is just shitty in essence? Then I will have backhand experience to identify a shitty book when I first star reading it and see it's essence is similar to the last "bad" book I read.

I like to think that everything we do is constructive. "For better or for worse" is something I apply but with motivational undertones so i can channel it into something positive!

I'll soon complete three months working at this company and it's a "big girl job" per say. It's an international company that has a gamma of possibilities for growth and literally can take me to unexpected places if I manage a promotion, which, for someone like me who dreams of seeing the world would be a nice bonus not to mention a dream come true.

However, my dreams aren't merely limited to company growth but if I manage it will be something that will make me feel good and what are we on this Earth for if not to appreciate little pleasures in life?

Since I can remember I have this will to work on an office and be part of something bigger than me. This company aligning with my principles, such as it being environmental conscious and caring for it's workers - I work at HR so I have first hand experience - is the most awesome part of going to work everyday.

In my life plan - which I believe haven't changed much since I was a teen - all of it's goals are constructive, long term and take time to complement each other. When I say I intend to do five years of law only to enroll on temporary (eight years) navy service people tend to say I want very different extremes and I simply can't see it this way.

Corporative life is part of my life but I don't necessarily want it to be all my life! I believe new experiences and a change of scenario can always do good. Also that people make decisions based on the options they have at hand at the time they are picking. Sometimes what you want is not on the table thus why you have to come up with a plan to make it an option. That can take years. That's when we start outlining long and short term goals for ourselves.

I, for an example, had a dream of coming out of high school and doing medicine, with a specialization in psychiatrics later on in mind. The human mind always fascinated me! But as all of us know it isn't that easy to get into law and because of a ton of life-changing problems I had in high school I couldn't really focus on passing the exams to get into public universities. So I applied for law which was my second option and am rolling with it since then. It doesn't mean I gave up medicine. Of course it doesn't!

Carefully I analyzed my options and build a plan from there, always taking into consideration the areas which I have more affinity and seeing how and why they could complement each other. That's the conclusion of months of research and pondering: I would finish law so I could apply to the temporary navy service (TNS) as an Official rather than the lower rank, which will give me a bigger monetary return, allowing me to live with easy and simultaneously saving a good amount so when I finish the TNS I can enroll on an international medicine university and sustain myself while living there.

Of course those are the main goals connecting with each other and people often fail to see the process. What I mean is that in the five years it takes me to graduate I will be studying and training to pass on the military exam and while I'm at navy I will be studying Spanish so I can enroll on my dream med university.

Once, upon telling a colleague about my plans, she said, and I quote, "it is okay for you to want to be the Barbie: a thousand and one jobs" but she also added "you just gotta make sure to have your goals set on stone so when difficult comes you can keep yourself on your toes and focused on the goal" and that's the best advice I have gotten so far.

When people tell for you to work in silence they mean it most sincerely because most of those around you won't understand your plans and, even unknowingly, will demotivate you. Sometimes it seems crazy and most of times it really is but its not impossible and it's exclusively on you how far you will go to achieve your dreams by transforming them in plans and following through and through.

"Work in silence" isn't supposed to be bitter or trendy but is simply stating people don't have the same world view as you, so you won't make sense to them most of times and - good news - you don't need to! They aren't bad for not understanding though. They just have a different color pallet of lens to see the world and it's fine.

Don't give up on something because it doesn't makes sense. Make sense out of your nonsense if it's the true call of your heart.

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