#mood

hello my name is Very tiny flying insect i see you’ve got an uncovered beverage outdoors. Can i fall into it and kill myself please please please please please please please please please please

yes girl I think it’s incredibly sexy how indecisive you are about every single decision in your life. I also love how you haven’t let anything go since you were 12. can we make out now

hmmm why does my uterus hurt and why do i feel kinda off. weird. surely these are not the warning symptoms of a predictable biological process that occurs on a regular schedule. anyway. im going to wear white pants today.

he 🐡🐡🐡

once in college my friend asked me to come along on a date she wasn’t comfortable with because she knew that I would step in and ruin the mood on purpose if she gave me the signal that she wanted out

I came along, it was awkward, she gave the signal, and I immediately dumped a glass of ice water over my head and said “oh no looks like you have to drive me home immediately to prevent hypothermia” but then she and her bad date thought this was so startling and funny that it broke the tension and got them talking. and then I had to sit around for the rest of their date dripping water and shivering because she decided she was enjoying herself.

i think if you stopped time and brought a gorilla to a new york deli and then started time again it wouldnt even be startled like it would immediately peruse the menu and order a reuben in sign language

How To Tell Your Cat That You Could Walk To His Food Faster If He Weren't Weaving Under Your Fucking Feet In A Beautiful And Intricate Idiot's Ballet

Effeminate dentist: You need to brush more on your gums-- hold on why am I "effeminate?" What? I'm literally just a normal dentist. A masculine one, even.

Me: (struggling to speak through the dentist's fingers) youw weren't shupposhed to shee that

hey man I found a piece of your soul stuck in the text messages of old friends you don’t speak to anymore. do you want it back