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pulchritude
a deceiving hollow soul
reflected on the tear stained glass
soon the barren space will be packed
shadows roaming back and forth
back and forth
but me
i never felt lonelier
i will never be one of them
yearning to let out wails of melancholy
hoping
craving
for the love of god that someone will just
listen
so that i can set my heart free
free from all the faded remnants
free from all the endless judgements
free from all of them
the vile creatures of affliction
of unruly dissatisfaction
they will ever understand
lives measured in numbers
shapes
numbers
who could ever understand?
who would even care?
sometimes i think about letting go
to a dark abyss waiting for me
where i would finally be
free
but is it worth it?
i would say yes because honestly that’s what i try to tell myself
but the answer is no
of course not
we are all so fixated on ourselves
that we forget about the world that we live in
a world of meadows
wild flowers a cacophony of colors on the tall dry grasses
yellow sunflowers
orange lillies
white daffodils
glittering under the scalding sun
a world of sunrises and sunsets
the medallion in the sky
slowly turning into astonishing hues of orange
then almost tangerine
pomegrante pink
dying the scattered power puff clouds
as blood poured the cosmic dance of silhouettes
a grandeur of paradise descending further
behind the seam of the world
a perfect blend of colors
giving you a feeling
as though it is between the heat of fire and the coldness of ice
as though it smells like burning wood floating on top of the ocean
in music it would be a soft but strong melody
a melody that takes you to another place
without needing to be loud
a world of auroras
of never setting tidal waves
of birds chirping
of stars flirting in the dead of night
the careful but constant drip, drop of rain
and there’s you
an irreplaceable composition of cosmic fragments
unknowingly made of stardust
our world is an impeccable balance of chaos and order
of loss and salvation
of joy and gloom
things will get better
maybe not now
maybe not tomorrow
maybe not the day after that
but that is one thing i can promise you
02/03/18
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one, out of billions
“what’s point in living?“
you ask yourself
as you look up to the sky
staring at the vast void of space
laid in front of you
think about it
more than 8 billion people
the uncountable number of stars
the capricious size of our universe
"does my presence actually matter?”
a shimmer of light appearing
in the corner of your eye
illuminating the edges of your face
you get up cautiously
attracted by the small phosphoresce
it was a star
just a sphere of plasma
held together by gravity
but the sight of it
never ceasing to let out a charm
creating a feeling of iridescence
it was just one star
out of billions and billions
but it managed to enchant you
letting you feel again
letting you feel
love
content
passion
fidelity
just one
one out of billions
it gave you hope
that small star
deserted in the vast empty space
“what if i was like that?”
your presence
just one
out of billions
“does my presence actually matter?”
you remembered her
the way her eyes light up
when you look at her
the corners of her mouth
forming a tedious smile
you remembered him
the one you spent midnights talking to
the desolation in your heart
disappearing
as you hear the sound of his voice
your attention averted
to the little terrier among daisies
you remembered him
jumping to you mercilessly
every time you go home from school
his dainty mouth expressing tenderness
eyes beaming in admiration
a star is just one
out of billions
you are just one
out of billions
billions
every single one different
your presence gives hope
the little things you say every day
the little things you do every day
you let them feel good enough
treasured
loved
important
because you are
you are all of those things
12/02/17
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emotionless
it’s funny how
you can feel everything in one second
and everything can disappear into nothing
just like that
a dust of insignificance
and it will all be forgotten
one minute
we’re having two hour long
midnight conversations
the next minute
you can’t even share a glance
not willing to say one word
emotionless;
that’s what i try to be
but i know you’re aware
of what lies in the depths of my consciousness
miles worth of pain
the torturous feeling i get
every time our memories
creep into my head every night
“it will all be forgotten”
i said
not a single word was true
i wish it was that freaking easy
can we really forget it all?
do we really want to?
everytime you looked at me
i felt like i was a flower
blooming during the spring
all the laughs we shared
can you tell me you really didn’t feel anything?
i didn’t realize
it could be so ephemeral
you left me alone
because you didn’t like the way i bloomed
emotionless;
that’s what i try to be
lifeless;
that’s what i am
11/05/16
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dear [redacted],
[redacted]. everytime i hear your name,
my ears ring with the sound of your voice.
i thought i had already forgotten you,
that i had erased all memories of you.
but clearly, i was wrong.
yesterday, i locked myself in my room,
curling up inside the sheets and crying myself to sleep
because i remembered you.
[redacted], the first boy i have ever loved.
i remember that we used to sneak out of our houses
every friday night, riding our bicycles, after the world fell asleep,
trying to find out what it dreams of.
we watched the stars dance and flirt all night long
until the sun came up and broke the forbidden romance.
sometimes, i wondered if that was us.
and one day, the sun will come up
and tear apart everything we had of each other.
i was right.
i watched your heartbeat quickened
and then stopped,
the monitor showing a flat line,
the silence was devastating.
since that day, i have felt a numbness in my heart that was ineffable
you were everything to me,
you were made of the entire fucking universe.
every time i looked at you,
i saw the galaxy in your eyes,
a surge of electricity running through my veins.
without you, i feel empty
the park used to be my favorite place but now,
my room is where i always am
because that’s the only place
where i can feel that i’m truly alone
and no one can see my wounds
02/10/15
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