Don't backread too much-? Or is it too late for that-

[It seems like this ask was left unanswered.]

please don’t ever, EVER, delete any of your entries on padlet, especially the raw ones, and don’t ever apologise for opening up to me, even if you think it might overwhelm me. because it doesn’t, nothing about you trusting me is overwhelming, it’s beautiful and you know i absolutely love it. plus, me going through a hard patch doesn’t mean i don’t have it in me to be there for you too. i’m a big boy, i can handle this and more. ♡ i guess i finally understand why i kept on tossing and turning around at 1am last night, and i had a hunch it was related to you, but i simply assumed you were dreaming about me. i don’t know why i thought of london as a quiet city, despite knowing it is a metropolis, but i think i can understand why that worsened your meltdown. i am not a fan of crowded places, loud noises, or bright lights; even going to the mall on a slow day makes my head spin, and i have to hold onto whoever i’m with to ground myself a little. i haven’t told anyone this, but on new year’s eve i went on a trip (last-minute trip, literally decided 3 days prior, and as a person who panics when there are no concrete plans, i was already feeling iffy about it) and i got so overwhelmed i had two meltdowns in public, and then a final one at 2am, which literally knocked me out for 12 hours straight. it was really embarrassing for me, and not how i had intended to begin the year. i couldn’t really rely on anyone, and the only thing that assisted me a little to get through it were your playlists. i’m actually not too sure why i just shared that with you, i guess i wanted to give an actual example of Why i understand you. and also to link it to the rest of your message. i don’t use the blog as much as i would like to, mostly because i am allergic to opening up, which makes me pretty weak, in my opinion. it is something that i have been anting to change, because writing to you Does make me feel better, but i am so obsessed with the idea of appearing strong and independent in the eyes of the world, that i just set myself up for failure. writing about my feelings means acknowledging them, and acknowledging means having to face them, which is not something i am too fond of, as a pretty much delusional person. but what gives me strength is still You. your playlists, our conversations, padlet… they are all sources of strength for me. i am not good at seeking support, but i still find it in the small things that have to do with you. i downloaded the video you made me for our anniversary on all of my devices, so i always have it with me if needed. i too backread the sddd server to laugh, because we act in such a shockingly different manner there than we do in private. the realisation that i am Truly attached to you dawned on me some time ago, and it is almost terrifying. but i think this is part of being in love, you know. i think this is one of the characteristics that set romantic love apart from platonic love, or maybe i am just delusional. maybe we just don’t have to give these emotions a sense at all. your message made complete sense, baby, and i am glad you shared all of this with me. it feels good to know we actually feel the same things. i’m sorry your trip isn’t going 100% well, and i’m sorry you’re hurting enough to cry for hours. but i hope today was a better day, and i hope you had lots of fun and saw lots of things and ate good food! i love you so much, thank you for trusting me once again.

If you want a recap of the xqc voiding the hermitcraft logo, basically xqc started in foxhole, went through nasa/space x and then straight through our logo. He did go up the gme line and over brazil to avoid angering them though lol It was absolute chaos in the discord when it happened, the cooldown timer for comments had to be extended multiple times. There really wasn't anything we could do because XQC was constantly asking for the void to be solid so it was hard to rebuild. However, when it came time to rebuild there was a faction that wanted to move the Hermitcraft logo over to be centered over the hermits. Basically no one in the discord wanted this so it was a struggle to get the logo back to where it was for historical purposes. At one point the logo was Hermit Hermit.

Eventually we had help from a few of our allies (all the minecraft groups, brazil, love live, I believe omori was also a huge help) to get the logo back to what it looked like in the references. And it happened so fast!

Honestly once the void had moved on it really only took 20-30 minutes max to rebuild. Probably closer to the 20 minutes. It really was glorious to watch.

It must’ve been lovely to see everybody banding together 🥺🥺 it was indeed quick tbh, I felt the panic just from backreading and it was impressive how we got control relatively quickly <3

Do YOU have any James theories? I'm really hoping they will explain this somehow but... eek

YEAH I GOT SOME THEORIES and I’m in a mood so I’m sorry if anything comes off as needlessly rude

1) Despite homeboy sayin he loved the Neron-arc and age for James stories, he doesn’t actually know what that is for the character. Whether that means he just doesn’t remember the arcs properly and didn’t bother backreading to reconfirm what he thought he knew or did know, or whether that means he does remember but he thinks tricksyboy = edgy = loki = didn’t he shoot that dude in that one movie does nobody remember that this means his character trope would absolutely stab a man or who the hell knows. Neron has been name dropped essentially as a thing that Already Happened. That means the Rogues have apparently died before, and James saved them all if we’re going off the first Neron fight. That means a lot of things in previous/current DC reboot canon is kind of one long drawn out “hhhhh??” sound if this is now canon as a thing that happened. I don’t read any other books– honestly I don’t read any books atm. I dunno if this can work in, or if “I loved this arc!” happypants over here was like GONNA DROP MY FAVORITE OLD CANON 8) CANT STOP ME DC, TEEHEE. 

2) It’s a chance it’s still Neron influenced, thanks to that ‘hey this happened in my story arc’ thing. It’d… make zero sense, like how did Neron get hold of James a second time? We’re to assume Billy doesn’t exist in this universe so his safety net is gone, sure, but that means James would’ve had to have died in between here and there, since reformation was his way of staying alive/staying out of Neron’s clutches. But according to everything we’ve been given up to this point (and again I don’t read the books technically, so I could be missing stuff) he didn’t die, he was assumed dead/MIA thanks to being stuffed in prison and escaping. Do we assume he died… escaping? If Neron got his hands on him? 

3) Commander Cold knew of this situation enough to panic on it, but said nothing to help anyone prepare for it. Just “oop watch out, we gonna have a hell of an unsatisfactory situation!!” I feel like that alone cuts out it being any of his old team unless they pull a fast one and some real shit happened in the 25th century while he was gone and its’ a timefuckery story akin to some bullshit someone on the “hey where can we put Booster besides his own book where we maybe dont’ make him watch Ted die for like 3 issues?? maybe??’ team would pull. I mean, DC has done Some Shit, this isnt’ beyond them. But holy shit they need to quit their jobs and take up Wattpad if that’s the best they can come up with. 

4) This numbering system doesn’t make sense to your original question anymore. 

5) [EDIT] fuck I forgot my idea that they are just following where the money is, who cares what old fans want. CW is popular, so they’ll get CW, even if James is the correct age here

MY THEORY: 

It’s just Bad Writing, Tim. 

Even if they try to turn this around as haha!! just a joke!! he’s just possessed!!!! there are still so many things here played up for shock value and horror, trying to make him hip and trendy for the new market. I wanna know what board meeting they went to where someone went “ok, we’re gonna bring the Trickster back– but comic Trickster.”“Ok so like, the toy one? With the punch glove in his gut and the striped pajamas and the son with the direct link to heaven?”“Yeah, but also lets kinda reference the Rogue War stuff.”“You mean the area where he was on the good side and they stole Digger’s body and he kind of apologized but then didn’t because Digger was a homophobe and he felt absolutely Not Sorry?”“No the part where he–”“Where he just kind of punched a kid and stole his shoes after throwing him in a trash can and absolutely didn’t murder him?”“Yeah that one”“There’s a but in there.”“But he either maims or makes people THINK they’ve been maimed now.” 

The outfit’s cute, sure. The backstory is… close enough to canon I can overlook the parts they changed for the shit of it. I can get over their lack of wanting to diversify more by making him not-Italian again, even though that was an addition crammed in there around the point they’re apparently wanting to reference from the old books. but hhhhhhhhhhh what is this haha who the hell yall writing for?? Because it sure isn’t 50% of your audience 

MY CRACKPOT THEORIES: 

because why the shit not, right? It’s not like anything I make up will be any worse than what DC gives us

1) It’s all an illusion. All of it. James? Illusion. Barry’s legs? Illusion. James is really just one of those puppets he built way back in Silver Age that were made of straw and didn’t move around, but he’s using whatever bullshit magic mind power DC made up for this series to make people think it’s really him. 

2) Evan’s here and he’s pissed off for some reason, pretending to be James hey why the fuck not at this point He took like 2 months of accent training to lose the Scottish. 

3) It is Neron. But not like, ‘It’s neron possessing James’ it’s just straight up Neron. He knows all of his backstory enough to rant exposition in way too many pages and hey, he was kind of green in that one cover art we saw. 

4) It’s Billy. I don’t know how this’ll work but fuck, if you can make James into this why not make Billy into it?? Except it’s a time traveling Billy and he’s super pissed off, and also not chinese-italian anymore. IDK, dad’s dead and he wants revenge. Weirder things have happened. 

5) 3 very bad dogs wearing striped pajamas and cowboy boots

Personal-ish stuff.

tl;dr version: I have MASSIVE guilt issues.

short version: I’d like to do more posts about, er, me -- books I’m reading (currently I’m rereading A New Dawn), TV I’m watching (just finished Prison Break), apps I’m using a lot of (addicted to Star Wars Force Arena), my, like, actual life -- but I’m never sure if “my actual life” really has a place on Tumblr, which sometimes does feel like a more fannish Pinterest and often feels actively hostile to actual life stuff.  Especially if it’s not pictures of my cats, which I don’t want to post anyway.

Long version: I Have Some Issues, beneath the cut

I feel weirdly guilty about the fact that I’m less willing to talk about my life on Tumblr now than I was last year or the year before -- part of that is because to some extent it feels like there’s been a shift in ~Tumblr culture, where it feels a lot more hostile than it was a year, two, three ago, and I’m constantly afraid that if I say the wrong thing someone’s going to come after me; part of that is because of personal reasons last year I started flipping back to DW to write about my life, both off publicly and under the access lock, which is something I really miss on Tumblr; part of that is because Tumblr never really feels like my space, it’s a space that I’m currently occupying, but even on my own blog it’s not really mine.  (I do wish there was an option to turn off reblogs on posts.)  I came out of journal culture, and over the past year I’ve gotten very aware of that in a way that maybe I wasn’t earlier.

I feel guilty about the fact that Backbone slowed pretty substantially, and one of the main reasons for that is something I’m not willing to talk about in public.  Even though one of my guiding principles as a blogger who’s been on the internet for the past fifteen years has been to talk about things that maybe someone else may, someday, need to read.  There are things I needed to read when I was younger -- normal everyday life stuff, how other people got through stressful times, specific things like divorce or wedding planning or renovating houses, I still go and backread blogs I like that I first started reading five, ten years ago now.  So there being something that I’m unwilling to talk about publicly is really hard on me, because on the one hand I feel that I owe an explanation for the series of meltdowns I’ve been having the past year and how that affected my fic output and the way I interacted and still interact with fandom, and on the other hand I want to say it because someone may need it, but...I can’t and I won’t, because I’m not going to be that person.

I’m less willing to share my opinion on things now than I was a year ago -- books, episodes, TV, SW merch, basically anything.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve been walking a knife-edge both in fandom and in my own life, because in both cases there are things I don’t want to bring up for fear of reaction.  I feel like I spend a lot of time afraid these days.  Not physically afraid, but just...afraid.  One of the reasons SWCO was so rough on me was because I spent about 90% of the con in a state of CONSTANT VIGILANCE, to the extent that on two or three occasions I almost had panic attacks on the floor and had to make exit plans in case I had to get out of the space I was in.  (Not because of the crowds; there was someone I was avoiding.)  Not a good way to spend a con I’d been looking forward to, not fair on the friend I was there with, and as a result a month and a bit later I’m still pretty messed up about it, since I kind of feel like I wasted the weekend.  Even beyond that SWCO was really odd for me because I came away feeling like I didn’t care about Star Wars enough to be there, and also that I hadn’t networked well enough in the fandom.  Which are both feelings I usually associate with academia, not fandom, so it was really jarring to get them there.

Sometimes it feels like I’m spread thin over several different social media sites -- for pretty much unfiltered me (because I locked my Twitter a few months ago) it’s Twitter, for pictures it’s Instagram, for fandom it’s...here, I guess.  Not that there’s been much fandom content lately.  I’m still working on Backbone, because I’d like to have it done before I move, but at this point I don’t know if that’s going to happen.  I’ve got some concept stuff that I’d like to work on but which I feel guilty about because I know I should be working on Backbone.  I feel guilty working on Backbone because I’ve had various people recently yell or talk disapprovingly about how I’m lazy and a liar and a bad fan for not writing Watchtower (Ouroboros 3).  I have flashes of being viciously angry about what happened last year, and how I reacted to it then, and how it’s still affecting me and my work now.  I have periods where I’m really, really sad, often with no specific reason.  I’m tired a lot.  I’m not getting out of the house, and before the last month (where I had SWCO, my HS best friend’s bridal shower, and my graduation within four weeks of each other), except for a couple of grad school things in March and one phone call in January to my best friend, I probably hadn’t talked to anyone I was related to besides the cashier at the grocery store since I moved out of New Orleans at the end of July last year.  I’m self-aware enough to know that that is Bad, but I’m not really sure what to do about it.

Anyway.  The state of me is not where I’d like it to be, and I feel guilty about it.