#I WOULDVE STARTED IT YESTERDAY IF ID KNOWN
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i literally just yelled “WHAT??” out loud because i searched on amazon to see how much bad reputation costs to buy and all of a sudden its included with kindle unlimited. i feel like i just checked last week or the week before and it still wasn’t. i feel shook by this news
#I WOULDVE STARTED IT YESTERDAY IF ID KNOWN#but it’s okay. i’m reading hlu so it’s not like i can truly complain#bad rep will be next#mine#addicted series#i cannot believe this
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can you do a nick one where the reader is a detective and she ends up in a hostage situation and the hostage taker puts the gun to her head and says something like “you love her. Don’t you?” To nick and he has to admit it
//This is so long! Sorry! I’m talking 2500+words…I get a bit carried away sometimes//
Soft light started filtering through the curtains waking you from your peaceful slumber. A heavy arm was over your body holding you in place which was fine and dandy with you. Mornings like this were few and far between for you and Nick so you were relishing every second.
“You awake?” Nick mumbled as he nuzzled his nose in your hair. His hand skimmed down your bare thigh. “Cause if your not. I’m about to give you a very rude awakening.”
“Hmmm…just how rude?” You shifted your hips to press back into Nick.
“Obscenely rude,” he replied.
“Oh, how I love Saturdays.”
Nick peppered kisses on your shoulder and down your arm while his hand traveled over your belly slowly making his way to the juncture between your thighs. Nick’s phone rang and buzzed on the nightstand. He groaned as he rolled away from you to answer. “Amaro. Got it Liv. I’ll be there in 20. No. It’s okay. I’ll call her. See ya.”
“How bad?” you asked as you sat on the side of the bed before standing and wrapping the sheet around you.
“Bad bad,” Nick answered. “Rape, homicide and hostage situation.” He pulled on his boxers and started redressing.
“Jesus. Guess that answers my next question about a shower. What time is it anyway?”
“Uh, just after 6am. You finish getting dressed. I’ll get the coffee going.” He rounded to your side of the bed and kissed your cheek. “Good morning by the way, .”
“It would’ve been a lot better if Liv hadn’t have called,” you grumbled.
Thirty minutes later you and Nick rolled up to the scene. Liv and Carisi were already there and Fin was pulling up at the same time as you.
“Mornin’ guys. Didn’t you wear that suit yesterday, Amaro? Dry cleaners closed or somthin’?” He smirked.
You hid a grin behind your coffee cup. Fin knew about you and Nick but put on that he didn’t. You had a pretty great partner in Fin. Usually, Nick had an extra suit at your place. Unfortunately, the suit he had on was extra from when he stayed the previous night.
Nick nodded his head. “Yeah. Something like that.”
The three of you reached Liv and Carisi to get a briefing on the situation at hand. She gave you a quick rundown. A man followed his ex and her new boyfriend home. Raped her, killed the new boyfriend and was now holding her and her roommate hostage.
“Hey, Nick. Is that the same suit from yesterday?” Sonny asked as the group walked to the mobile command.
“Shut up, Carisi,” Nick said.
“Sorry, Sarge,” Sonny replied.
Liv eyed you and Nick but didn’t comment. “Well now that we’ve all acknowledged that Nick is wearing the same suit he did yesterday can we please get back to the case?” She gave pointed looks to you and Nick. “Okay, guys name is Jake Malone.”
Your ears perked at the name. “The hostage taker? He early 30’s, tall, red hair?” you asked.
“Think you know him?” Fin asked.
“Possibly. An old roommate had a brother by that name. Probably a coincidence,” you concluded.
“Here is his picture,” Liv said as she passed you the tablet she had in he hand.
“It is him. Holy shit,” you mumbled. Something in his eyes was different. He was always happy, the life of the party, his eyes bright, but now they just looked sad. “Has anyone made contact with him?”
“Just one phone call from the negotiator but he hung up,” Liv informed you.
“Let me talk to him. Maybe if it’s someone he knows he’ll be more open to talking,” you suggested.
“You’re not going in there,” Nick blurted out. “Too dangerous. Even more so because he knows you.”
Everyone’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Nick’s outburst. Except for you. Right now you were shooting him daggers. Smooth, Nick. Real smooth. “Who do you think you are? Last I checked I could make my own decisions,” you snapped.
Nick pointed a finger in the air at you. “I’m your sergeant and your-” Nick stopped his speech right before he outed the two of you the squad, half the ESU and negotiations. “I’ll go. I doubt he wants to talk to a woman right now since he feels like he was screwed over by one.”
“You may be my sergeant but Liv has final say.” Crossing your hand over your chest you turned your attention to her. “So. Do you think I can handle it?”
She stood silent for a moment no doubt replaying the interaction that you and Nick just had. Liv looked between you and Nick. “Get your vest on,” she directed you.
“Your alpha male is showing,” you said in passing. You made it a point to shoulder check him.
“Really mature,” he mumbled.
“Fin you stay close to her, but out of sight,” Liv ordered.
“On it,” Fin replied. He jogged to catch up with you. “Trouble in paradise?” he asked you.
You looked around to be sure no one could hear you. “It’s like all of a sudden he sees me like some fragile porcelain doll,” you answered. “Drives me nuts.”
“He sees as more than a fellow cop now. The dynamic of your relationship has changed. Nick has always been protective but now that you two are…well together that protectiveness just went into overdrive,” Fin explained.
“You ready? We got him on the phone.” The negotiator said.
You nodded and took the phone as he passed it to you. “Jake? It’s Y/F/N Y/L/N. I’d like to come up and talk with you if that’s okay?” He repeated your name then was silent. He finally agreed but only without a gun and you had to come alone. “That’s not a problem, Jake. I’m giving my gun to my partner right now.” You unholstered your gun handing it over to Fin.
When Nick saw what you were doing he shook his head and started stalking toward you. You halted him with one look. He clenched his jaw but stayed put.
The walk up the five flights of stairs felt like it took forever. When you reached the apartment you rapped on the door. A woman opened the door with the chain attached. “I’m Y/N.” The door closed and you heard the chain slide open. You were ushered in quickly. The woman that opened the seemed unharmed physically but she was terrified. Her eyes were big as she opened the door. “What’s your name?” you asked the brunette.
“Tori,” she said.
“It’s okay, Tori. I’m gonna get you out of here,” you said in a calm voice.
Holding your hands up you made eye contact with Jake. It had been a couple years that you had seen him. His eyes were haunted.
He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “Y/N? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it,” he said in a shaky voice. His arm was around her neck with a gun pushed to her head.
“Cause you’re a psycho. I should have known as soon as we started dating,” the blonde said. Must be the ex, Mandy.
This was your opportunity, a little role reversal. “Okay, Mandy. What did you do him?”
The look she gave you could kill. After a beat, she understood what you were trying to do. “I-I had a miscarriage, cheated on him,” she stammered. “I’m so sorry, Jake. It was wrong.”
“Too late for apologies. Our baby is gone. Maybe you should have thought about that before you became a slut,” he spat.
“I’m sorry you have to go through that. That was a horrible thing to do,” you empathized.
He lowered the gun. “I just want to be happy again,” he said.
“I know you do. What you went through, I can’t imagine.” You bite your bottom lip then took a deep breath. “Why don’t let these two go. So we can sit and talk,” you suggested.
His phone started ringing. “That will be my lieutenant. She wants to help get everyone out safely,” you stated.
He never broke eye contact with you as he answered the phone. “Hello? They’re fine. No. No. I won’t do that.” He took a deep breath then pushed on the screen of the phone setting it on a nearby table. “Tell him you are okay. He doesn’t believe me.”
“This is Sargeant Amaro. How is everyone?”
Fucking Nick. “We’re fine, Sergeant. Jake is calm. We’re talking.” The other women chimed in saying they were fine. “We were talking. Jake is going to let Tori go. Right, Jake?”
Jake put his hand to his head. “I dunno.”
“If you cooperate with them, they work with you, Jake,” you reminded him.
“Go. Fucking go.”
“Tori. Head out, slowly.” She nodded her head in acknowledgment. You breathed a sigh of relief when she got out the door. “Tori is coming down now.”
“Thank you-” Nick was saying but Jake ended the call.
Mandy tried to squirm out of his grasp. “Not you,” he said and tightened his arm around her neck.
“Please, Jake. I’m sorry. I-I want to come back. I was stupid-” she begged before she was cut off by Jake.
“You really think I want you back? A cheating whore?” he said with disgust. “I want someone that will stay loyal, honest…”
You knew ESU had cameras, mics, snipers in place by this time. It’s what I want too. Hard to find it these days. Seems all anyone wants is a roll in the hay, then see ya later.”
Jake eyed you skeptically. “Yeah. Or they act like they want to be with you but don’t actually make the commitment.”
You smiled. “You really seem to get me. Why didn’t we talk more when I and your sister were roommates?”
He actually gave you a smile. “I was too shy. You were older and just seemed out of my league.” Jake started loosening his grip on Mandy. “Do-do you have a boyfriend?”
“I really wouldn’t call him that,” you scoffed. “Probably using me like every other man has. Guess I’ll take what I can get. It’s really all I deserve.” Looking up at him through your lashes you said, “makes me wonder if there are any good guys left out there.”
“Those are boys. Men don’t treat women like that,” Jake stated. “You deserve better than whoever it is you’re with right now.”
“You’re right.” Taking a couple cautious steps toward Jake you said, “let Mandy go. Me and you, we need to be alone. Talk.”
The phone rang again. “Answer it,” he directed. “On speaker.”
Slowly you reached for the phone. “This is Detective Y/L/N.”
“This is Lieutenant Benson. Is Jake able to talk?” she asked.
“He’s here, Liv.” You nodded at Jake.
“Hello?” he said.
“I want to thank you for letting Tori go. What can we do for you?”
Jake looked to you. “It’s okay. Liv is a good person. She’ll help you,” you insisted.
“Nothing you can give me,” he said.
“How about you let Mandy go? We’ll help you get out safe,” she offered.
“I can stay with him. He doesn’t want to be alone,” you said. You could hear Nick in the background swearing and saying no way. Liv covered the speaker to block Nick. Once he had either calmed down or moved away she came back on the phone.
“Can you do that? Can you let Mandy go and Y/N can stay?” Liv asked.
Jake furrowed his brow. The hand holding the gun clenched around the handle and released. He was contemplating his choices. Jake nodded quickly.
You let out breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Liv? Mandy is on her way.”
“Great. That’s great, Jake. Thank you for working with us,” Liv said.
Mandy slowly slipped out of Jake’s arm. She cautiously walked to the door, her eyes flicking from you back to Jake. You heard the door the door open then click shut in short succession. Just you and Jake. Your mind raced with thoughts of how you were going to get out of this one. “Why don’t we sit?” you said.
Jake took a seat on the couch then gestured you to join him. “Tell me. This guy you’re with, do you work with him?”
“I do. Which was a bad decision right out of the block. I thought he may be different but…” you sighed. The things you were telling Jake were real feelings. Fin tried to talk you out of getting involved. But by the time he had found out you were in too deep with Nick. The scary part was you had fallen in love with Nick months ago.
“You love him?” he asked.
It wasn’t a question you had expected. “Yeah. Pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same. Unrequited love has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.”
A commotion at the door startled both you and Jake. Nick came busting through the door. Jake grabbed you and put the gun at your side. “Who the hell are you?” he screamed.
“Sargeant Amaro. Put the gun down, Jake!” Nick warned. He turned his eyes to you, clearly afraid. He mouthed “I’m sorry.”
“It’s you. Isn’t it? The one that has been playing Y/N,” Jake challenged.
“I’m not playing her. I love her,” Nick said softly. His eyes shifted to yours.
The next thing you knew Jake was on the floor holding his knee. The sniper finally had a clean shot. Nick rushed over and kicked the gun from Jake’s reach. ESU burst through the doors as Nick was cuffing him. Once he was taken out of the apartment by ESU it was just you and Nick.
Nick took your hand to lead you out the door. “Let’s get you checked out by the EMT’s”
“I’m fine-”
Nick sighed then mumbled. “Can’t you ever do anything you’re told?”
“Now what fun would that be?” you joked.
Nick waited for you until you got the all clear from the paramedics. He put his arm around your shoulders as you walked to the car. “I want to talk about earlier when I said I love you-”
“It’s okay, Nick. I know you said it because there was a gun held on me,” you gave him a tight smile. “I get it. Going through a divorce-”
Nick stopped and grasped your shoulders. “I love you, Y/N,” Nick interrupted you this time. He didn’t give you time to say anything as he leaned over and kissed you. Like a reflex, his arms encircled your body and yours wrapped around his neck.
Cheers, claps, and whistling made the two of you stop and giggle. When you turned Liv was the first person you saw. She had her fingers between her lips eliciting a high pitched whistle.
“Bout time!” Fin called.
Sonny was clapping and smiling wide.
“I think we have everyone’s approval,” Nick said with a beaming smile.
“Seems so.” You put your hand on Nick’s chest. “ I love you too, Nick.” This time you stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss much to the delight of the audience.
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For @byunfirstlady!
Baekhyun + pregnant wife on Christmas night
December had brought what Baekhyun liked to call “The Week of Christmas”. Not only did you always have plans with your family on Christmas Day, but you and Baek would spend Christmas Eve with his family, and then a day before that at a small party with friends. Your stamina usually got you through this trio of festivities, but now that you were pregnant and caring for an extra person, you found yourself getting tired much more easily.
You and Baekhyun walked up the path to your parents’ house, his hand on your back while you held a bag containing all of the presents for your family. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, voice low as he watched you with a concerned look on his face.
“I’m fine, Baek. Really.” His worried expression didn’t let up, however, brows still drawn low as he studied your face.
“Don’t be afraid to let me know if you need to go home early or anything.”
“Okay, baby.” You shifted your bag to your other hand, ignoring Baekhyun’s efforts to try and carry it for you. “You know, just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean you have to do everything for me,” you joked with a smile.
His face finally lit up, his usually beaming grin spreading from ear to ear as he chuckled in response. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do everything for you all the time.”
Both of you stopped before the door to the house, and Baekhyun pressed the doorbell with a proud smirk while you felt yourself blushing at his sweet words. Of course, your mother was the one to open the door, her brows raising at your sheepish expression and Baek’s playful smile. She pulled you into a hug first, the familiar scent of your childhood home washing over you as you melted in her arms. Soon she was hugging Baekhyun as well, teasingly scolding him for having made you blush.
You heard Baekhyun laugh in response as you stepped inside, greeting your father and your other relatives with hugs. Your sister and her boyfriend sat in the living room, caught in a debate over the best Christmas movie, while various cousins, aunts and uncles were scattered throughout the house. A pile of presents sat under the tree, and you placed the presents you had brought beside them.
Everyone was drawn to you and Baekhyun, seeing as you were three and a half months into your pregnancy and was beginning to show. A tiny bump was barely visible underneath your sweater, pushing against the woolen fabric. One aunt immediately began questioning you on certain practices you would have for your baby: would you use formula or breastmilk? Pacifiers or no pacifiers? What kinds of diapers were you planning on using?
Seeing as you had just barely stepped in the house and was being bombarded with questions that you had given little thought to, you could feel your anxiety start to grow. “Um...” you began. “We haven’t really thought about that stuff yet.” It was true, you had been more occupied with overcoming morning sickness and the constant tiredness that accompanied pregnancy. Thankfully, your symptoms had began to ease up about a week ago, and you were starting to feel a bit more like yourself again. Or at least, when you weren’t being questioned by curious relatives.
You felt an arm wrap around your waist and looked up to see Baekhyun standing beside you, flashing your aunt a charming smile. “Hi, auntie,” he greeted her.
“Baekhyunnie,” she returned warmly. “You and Y/N should be planning out these things before the baby comes. Time will fly by and before you know it, you’ll have a newborn in your house.”
“We have parenting books that we’ve been reading,” Baekhyun told her. You quickly looked away, suppressing a laugh. It wasn’t exactly a lie - there was a small stack of books on your nightstand that you and Baek liked to briefly look through each night before bed. But you guys never read the chapters in order, choosing instead to skim through and read things that caught your fancy. Last night, it had been about learning how to swaddle a newborn, and you had been caught in a fit of laughter as Baekhyun tried to swaddle you in a large comforter.
Sure, both of you knew very little about parenting, but neither of you were slackers. You knew that by the time this baby arrived, you and Baekhyun would both prepared for almost anything.
Your aunt eyed you skeptically, and you knew that she could probably guess what you were thinking. She had known you for your whole life, after all. “Well, if you ever need help, don’t hesitate to call.”
“We’ll remember that,” Baekhyun replied, leaning down to press a polite kiss to her cheek before pulling you over to a quiet corner of the room.
“Thanks,” you whispered to him.
“No problem. I could see your eyes growing wider by the second.” He laughed under his breath, remembering how surprised you had looked.
“Well do you know what kinds of diapers we’re gonna be using?”
Baekhyun gaped silently for a second, mouth opening and closing as he thought of an answer. You pushed his mouth shut with one finger, a smirk on your lips. “I didn’t think so.”
“Okay, okay. I would’ve reacted the same way,” he gave in. “But hey, why does everyone keep asking us this stuff all the time? I know we’re having a baby, but even random strangers come up to us with the same questions.”
It was true - just yesterday at the store, an older woman had seen the prenatal vitamins in your shopping basket and had gone on a full-fledged rant about things to do as a pregnant woman.
You lay a hand over your stomach, finding comfort in the slight bump there. “I don’t know,” you told Baekhyun. “But we’ll figure these things out together.”
Baekhyun hummed in agreement, his hand coming to rest on top of your own, both of you searching for your baby. “Little Bean’s not only gonna have the most awesome parents on Earth, but also the most prepared ones.”
Your shoulders shook with laughter, not only ay his declaration but at the nickname for your baby as well. It had come about when checking your pregnancy app weeks ago. “Your baby is now the size of a bean!” it had told you, and Baek had immediately fallen in love with the word, using it as a term of endearment for your tiny child. “You know we’re gonna have to think of a real name for Bean, right?”
“Or we could just call her Bean forever,” he replied jokingly.
“You mean him,” you corrected.
Both of you had agreed on keeping the baby’s gender a secret until the due date, although Baekhyun insisted it was going to be a girl while you were absolutely sure that it would be a boy.
“You don’t think she’s gonna be a mini copy of you?” he asked, running a hand through your hair as we stared at you fondly.
“I think he’s gonna be just as handsome as you. Hopefully less hyper.”
“Hey!” Baekhyun quickly pulled you closer to him, his forehead resting against yours as both of you giggled softly together. He caught your lips with his, pressing kiss after kiss there. “I love you,” he spoke warmly, gaze serious. “So, so much.”
“I love you too, Baek.” You traced the lines of his face with a finger, starting down the bridge of his nose and ending up at the curve of his jaw. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
Both of you knew that you were referring to more than this moment. You were extremely grateful to have Baekhyun by your side for years, and for the years ahead as you started a family together.
Baekhyun turned his head to kiss your fingertip, grinning devilishly when you blushed in response. “I should be the one saying that, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He leaned down, lips ghosting over your sweater before kissing the top of your baby bump.
“You and our baby.”
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TEAM (Part Two)
I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.
This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.
“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.
“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”
“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”
At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.
“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”
“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”
“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”
“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”
“Screamed.”
“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.
“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”
“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.
“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”
“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”
“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.
He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”
“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”
“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”
“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.
“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.
“Okay...”
“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”
“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”
You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.
“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”
“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”
“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”
“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.
“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?
“Terrorize? I-”
“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”
“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.
“You did?” Wade asks.
“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.
“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”
“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.
“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”
“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.
“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.
“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.
“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.
“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”
“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”
“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”
“H-how?”
“Not important,” you tell her.
“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.
“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.
“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”
“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.
“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”
She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.
“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.
“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”
Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official? I’m sorry that I missed it.”
“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”
He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.
“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”
“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”
“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.
“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.
“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.
“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.
“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”
“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.
“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.
“How do you even know?”
“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”
“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.
“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.
“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”
“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”
“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.
“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”
“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”
“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.
“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.
“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”
“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.
“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”
You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.
“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.
“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”
“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.
“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”
“Yeah. See you soon…”
“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.
“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.
“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.
“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”
“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”
“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”
“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”
“For letting you die?”
“No. Worse.”
“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.
“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”
“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”
“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”
“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.
“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”
“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.
“You love me?”
“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”
“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.
“Do you?” she asks.
You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.
“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”
You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”
“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”
“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.
“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”
“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.
“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”
“Same here. When did you know?”
Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.
“Yeah, do that…” She says.
“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”
“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.
“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”
“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.
“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.
“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…
“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”
“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.
“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.
“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.
“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”
“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.
You could get used to this.
#negasonic teenage warhead#negasonic teenage warhead x reader#negasonic teenage warhead imagine#negasonicteenageimagines#ellie phimister imagine#Ellie Phimister#ellie phimister x reader#marvel#marvel fanfiction#x-men#x-men fanfiction#xmen#xmen fanfiction#wlw#wlw fanfiction#wlw imagine#marvel imagine#x-men imagine#xmen imagine#lesbian#lesbian fanfiction#lesbian imagine#lgbt fanfiction#lgbt imagine#sapphic content#sapphic fanfic#fanfic
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The Diary of Dr. Elena Rosewood
Horror one off story. I’m putting it under a cut
TW for blood, death, and disease
12/14/37
Sent to quarantine, and am currently kicking myself. I tested positive for the disease and the police didn’t listen to my explanations. Now I am without my lab and test instruments, and the data gathered will be strictly qualitative. Damnit.
Of course, this may be a blessing in disguise, as the effects of the vaccine will be able to be seen firsthand, and I’ll have to worry less about my own credibility. Though as a medical doctor who has spent years studying this disease, credibility was never too much of a worry.
I just hope someone takes care of my cats.
No symptoms so far, though that is expected. The incubation period is usually about a week, but this may be altered by the fact that this is a weaker strain that will be easy for my body to fight off. Maybe I will not have any symptoms at all. One can only hope I suppose.
12/16/37
A man leaned into me while I took my daily exercise yesterday, so close that his nose almost touched mine. Dark red sclera showed he was in the later stages of the disease. “We all have it in here,” he growled. “We are all infected.” His breath smelled awful, a mix of metallic and rot, as if someone had shot a deer in a penny factory.
“Yes,” I said slowly. “That is essentially the point of a quarantine.”
I’ve decided to keep mostly to myself from now on.
This story has very little to do with the scientific side of my work, but it is an anecdote that I think would provide quite the cinematic moment when there is a biopic made about me. I mean, the person who discovered a vaccine against the blood plague (though I always hated the sensational nature of that name) will surely get some sort of film recognition.
When I get out, of course, I’ll remove this section. But I believe it is best to be honest to yourself. The rest of the world can get the cool, collected scientist.
Asymptomatic probably still. I thought my sclera looked a little redder, but that may be more easily attributed to confirmation bias or the quality of the mirrors here. It’s a wonder I can see my reflection at all through the graffiti. Wishing I was home. Accurate testing equipment wherefore art thou? My ex, I’m sure, would correct me. Wherefore apparently means why even though it has a where in it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never should date English majors. And they say scientists have sticks up their ass.
12/20/37
Definite redness now. I guess it was too much of a long shot that I wouldn’t end up with anything happening. I can’t decide which looks better, a miraculous recovery, or to never get sick at all. I think this. Looks like I’ve suffered more.
Though of course, this isn’t about me. It’s about all the people that I will be keeping safe from the disease.
12/25/37
Well. Merry Christmas to me. I’m Rudolph the Red-Eyed Fucking Reindeer. Disease taking hold. I think it’ll get worse before it gets better, damn it. It’ll definitely get better though. I’m confident in my own intelligence, if nothing else. I had hoped to be out of here before Christmas, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.
I’ve started tasting blood. Every meal seems tainted metallic, though that might actually improve the shit they have us eating. It’s all frozen and half rotten, bottom of the barrel kind of stuff. I guess that makes sense, why waste the good food on those of us that are going to die anyway? I mean, I won’t. But for the rest of them, why bother. There is no cure for the blood plague. Even I’ve only managed to come up with a vaccine.
1/3/38
I lost my journal. No, more accurately, it was stolen by the motherfucker from before. More accurately, he stole it, bled on the pages, and then threw it outside the fence. I have no clue why. He’s bad, blood streaming from his eyes and lips. I could barely make out what he was trying to say, every time he tried to speak, blood dribbled out. Not that I cared what he had to say. I’d imagine he only had days left.
My own condition isn’t getting better, though it hasn’t gotten noticeably worse. Small amounts of blood in my mouth, my spit has been slightly tinged pink for the last few days. I calculated the turnaround though. It should be any day now. Any day…
I debated whether or not to write down how I’m writing this, as my journal is no longer here, and decided why not. It’s blood on my wall. I know what you’re thinking, that i’ve likely gone insane, that the blood plague is taking hold. It’s not, I can promise you that. When you look at it, it’s perfect logical.
My top priority is information. I have to record these events so that the process of my vaccine can be documented and studied. As a scientist, I know the most essential thing is data. I need to be able to provide that. I’ve just been forced to use alternative methods.
He would’ve died anyway. There is no cure for the blood plague, and he barely had days left. Something that saves lives is more important than the death of one man, I know it seems macabre but he would’ve died in days. Is it really even a murder when you’re both on death row?
He is.
Was.
I’m not. I’m going to live.
It wasn’t hard, really, to kill him. He wasn’t strong, and it was quite easy to split his head open. The blood just mingled with what was already on the floor and walls, have I mentioned this place has gotten disgusting with all the blood. Dragged him to my room, dipped my finger in, and began writing.
I don’t want this to sound horrific. It’s not. I distanced myself from things, made the matter merely academic. When dissecting something, you don’t contemplate the pathos, you just analyze. That is merely what I’m doing. He would’ve died soon anyway.
1/11/38
The body stinks to high heaven and I can barely get enough blood to write with without a few maggots or flies crawling over my fingers. I need to remain objective but they are truly disgusting.
Blessing in disguise, perhaps, my own eyes have begun dripping. My mouth too, though that’s diluted. I can keep writing. I will document this. I will wait for my body to fight off the vaccine, for immunity to kick in. I will be the one to figure it out I will be known I will be a savior
Just a little longer
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Episode 12 | “Beauty got problems and Brawn got problems”- Autumn
wow. just wow. i sure did just do that and im so proud. i proved to myself im a deserving winner tonight. i will fight to the death to get my allies to the end because lets be real i sure am not making it KJSDFLASFLA.
i was going to start this confessional out in a celebratory tone but YOU KNOW WHAT I STILL AM BECAUSE WE JUST DID THAT. I typically like to be my own biggest hater and drag myself in my confessionals a lot just as a way to clock myself and try to see the other perspective, but BITCH I KNOW I SNAPPED THIS ROUND AND IF YOU DONT THINK I DID LEMME HIT YOU WITH SOME FACTS; FACT: I CORRECTLY USED MY ADVANTAGE AND WON IMMUNITY DURING WHAT WAS A PERTINENT ROUND https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: UPON FINDING OUT I HAD IMMUNITY I KNOW DEVON WAS COMING TO ME TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HIS WING, OH YEAH ADAM, JUST VOTE IN THE MINORITY, AND GO ALONG WITH BEING AT THE BOTTOM, AND IT WAS M E DECIDING I DIDNT WANT TO DO THAT AND SPILLING THE TEA THAT LED TO GETTING AN OUTCOME I WANTED https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: it was ME who also went to autumn/ali and started planting seeds of doubt in their minds about jake and it's turning out it's helped me solidify my position with them better https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: It's also still me who's aligned with 2 or 3, if you include jake, of the biggest targets left in the game and i already have augusto and amir sliding in my pms trying to play pity me boo hoo hoo like gorl plea im not buying it but yall wanna keep singing kumbaya? well ill sing the encore and be twice as fake as yall (i DO love them both as people just as a disclaimer but from a game perspective? they're beasts!) https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif ok, boasting over, time to hop off cloud nine and get back to reality because FACT: we all just made a big move, so the target on all of us, including myself, just went up, FACT: i could easily be delusional and maybe i had NOTHING to do with this blindside SJDFA but lemme bask in my fake glory anyway itll be funny to read after at least... FACT: The war has truly only just begun, that was a great victory but if me/ali/autumn are really in it like we're saying, we may still have another idol on our side, but we're gonna need more than that, it's kinda funny we're one brain, one brawn, one beauty and i think that speaks volumes i truly love these gals and think this is a good game route for me. some people might think it's foolish of me to align with the big threats and go deep with them, but who's to say im not worthy of being in their company? if it wasnt for my social connection with devon he wouldve never told me the plan, and then autumn is the smart one so she kept us composed and together, and then ali was the brawn he had the idol and got the job done. So im gonna just try and stick with this for now, hopefully they feel the same and dont try to oust me right away because then ill look like a whole fool and a half OOP, and ill plaster my fake smiles on for everyone else and kiki it up we can haha hehe all day long but i wont hesitate to vote them out because trust and believe.
Last Day 30 was my last day playing TS: Guyana, so this is a nice feeling to still be here. But now the fun kicks in. Jakey helped orchestrate the Devon blindside with the Ali idol, so I guess we're even. And now, assuming Jakey is still actually with me, which I think he is, I think we can run this game for the longrun. He has access to Ali, Autumn, and Adam and I have access to the three Beauties. I truly see this being beneficial for the both of us in terms of keeping one another safe and allowing us to get to the final six unharmed. Final six is important for me. I'm not sure if I've admitted this in an earlier confessional or not, but I have the Legacy Advantage (thank you Jordan Pines!) that I can use at six. So I just need to survive two more tribals. If I can do that, I have a seat in the final five, probably two more rounds to survive before getting to FTC, and then I have a shot. I really need to start building a resume if I want to win this game, but I think I have a chance. I really need to get Ali and Autumn out in these next three rounds. If I can do that, I see myself being able to make the end with the likes of Jakey, Kendall, Augusto, and maybe Adam (Amir will become a threat at five or six I think) and then I have at least a shot at the win, but I really need to keep my head down, keep the social game going, and make a move or two here.
so. i think i have some explaining to do JKLASDFA huh? i was on calls for the like three hours before tribal so i didn't really confess at all.. in fact i think in my last confessional i said that we were voting 4-3-3 which did not happen at all so i think i need to fill in some gaps huh? so... i have known since like 11pm EST yesterday that i was getting votes tonight. devon told, adam told me and then told autumn, but then autumn didn't want to tell me until later in the day which i honestly do think was fair so we weren't spiralling for hours. we were all sus of jake all day (and lowkey i still am?)... like i dont know when his energy because so shady, plus devon may have told adam that jake was in on the plan? plus he kept saying stuff like the vote has gone "back to kendall" and kept pushing me not to play the idol... something does not add up right with that. anyway so that demonic group of five voted for me, and lied SO much to make me leave with my idol? like why not just make me paranoid, leak the vote to adam or jake then vote autumn get me to waste an idol and then autumn leaves? now that would've been a good move hello?! but that group does not know how to blindside, idols have sabotaged their plans twice and amir/augusto should consider themselves lucky that they are still in the game. also kendall fought me at tribal because i was being cocky... but she literally tried to blindside me into leaving with an idol hello?! i appreciate that she thought she was going, but she is zero to too much way too quick. augusto can literally suck my ass our call was him and his bad excuse for jury management, like can he at least be like amir and pretend to want to work with me? anyway so moving forwards, i wanna vote out kendall or augusto this round. amir can stick around because he at least pretends to wanna work with me plus he is a threat too. idek i just want all the fake people in this tribe gone. i will not vote for adam, autumn or jake. i will vote for any of the others, im not fussed about the order in which i do so. im living on borrowed time in this game and im going to make it count
Sorry this is two parts I thought my friend was gonna die lol but she's fine. Remember kids, there's no dick worth dying over and a straight guy rejecting you is a blessing in disguise these days (considering the alternatives).
Now on with the show hahaha
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-AkqQGDYzlccP1VFwpPNo-aCQPFmoj9Z https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bVcBqq0JL2-ybgTiS2vOrYURbCG0kIxh
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thots on final 8: augusto: would cut me to win, literal love of my life, super kind and empathetic and genuinely good person, i think his social game is fire and i think he has a way with people, and downplays how smart and cutthroat he really is constantly, but i love the kid so much ali: the brit has to die ali again: okay im kidding i like him a lot but tbh hes a smart fucking guy, i think hes super cool and and also a badass with that idol play, hes a force but he has to go soon autumn: lana stan, coolest girl around, queen of the social game, queen of likability, queen of controlling rounds and letting others take the hit, a damn threat, she could win this game tj: sweetheart, we need each other in the game rn, i need need need to secure his loyalty adam: hes kinda crazy but he has a good heart, kinda just following ali and autumn rn, not gonna win in the end kendall: i have a soft spot for this crackhead, she deserves the world, probably cant win at the end but im happy i met her, shes on my side and a vote i can use moving forward jakey: love him to death would die 4 him, would beat me in the end and at immunities also the fact that kendall augusto and i are all still here is so fucking funny, like bitch how kejwnfkewjnfkejnwfkjnewkfnewk cockroaches
So numbers on surface Jakey - adam - autumn - Ali Kendall - Amir - Augusto - tj Round 5: Adam - Ali - autumn Amir - kendall - Augusto In the middle: jakey - tj So I just have to work on them
when i tell you ive been hooting and hollering what the fuck is going on in the survivor on this day, who the hell would've thought id win my third individual immunity in one season, gorl that is probably the most 2020 thing to happen in this game. although two of them pretty much were dumb luck afdjks either that or maybe im doing a little better than i think i truly dont know, and the touchy subjects clocked me on THAT as; what was it they said, 'the person they forget is in the game' and also 'least aware of their place' okay well yes im AWARE ive BEEN lost and asking for help this whole game gorl! But that's great, that's how i want people to view me, because uh... i just won 3 of these things now and that alone is reason to target me, granted im doing my best to play it up like dont worry! im just a dumb dumb! and clearly theyre eating that up like crazy, because it's both just the truth but also strategy if i keep playing it up, so watch out meryl, adam's in town! also LOVE that i knew i was gonna get most likely to have the idol i dont know how many times i have to say it IM INNOCENT AND BEING FRAMED FOR A FOOL and ooh dont even get me started on all the other tea it spilled, i actually got the LEAST of the bad things, i guess i kinda exposed myself because i made most of my chops at amir, augusto, and tj oop, so they probably didnt like that but they really left me no choice strategically, screw with me, i screw back, simple as that. As far as the vote too ummm.....it's been quiet tonight on my end so hope that doesnt make me a fool because this time last vote was a disaster, at this point im still thinking i need to stick with ali and autumn because this vote is so pertinent, after this a solid 4 can take it, or get as far as we can because im always keeping my options open OOP, but for the most part i do want to stay true to my good judys for now, but i know someone between amir/augusto/kendall has an idol and if they were smart theyd use it this round, so i need to convince the others of this because im sure its gonna happen since they dont think ali has one anymore hopefully but who knows, if it were up to me we'd vote augusto or tj this vote. I think amir has the idol and i think he's going to play it for himself this round or i could see augusto playing it for him, so if i can make anyone belive that very realistic scenario, we can get one of the ones theyd least expect just to ensure us the numbers for next round, but what do i know, they just forget im in the game anyway! so hopefully tomorrow someone tries to give me the tea and we get a plan together or else i spilled all the tea last round for nothing which is worst case scenerio
yesterday was a lot. I went an apology tour to everyone involved in my blindside and honestly it was annoying. the fact that augusto basically got me to apologise to him on our call when he blindsided me was irritating, like he just let me sit there and take fault when the point of the call was for him to take accountability. talking to him is like talking to 2018 me, he has such social ability, but he just takes zero accountability and is just so infuriatingly wishy-washy. he is all of my worst attributes as a player rolled into one. i also... almost won immunity? which is crazy, but I just found yesterday and the way immunity played out so frustrating, but I've spoken about it enough in my host chat enough. just know i feel robbed, slighted and if I get rocked out this round when i should have immunity. i will throw a fuss again SAJDKFLAS. anyway so this vote is gonna be a mess. tj and autumn now have a blood feud, Kendall and jake came to a head this round. so that's four people whose name i hopefully am not their number #1 target, plus i don't think adam is targetting me? but this vote is going to be a mess, because it very very easily could be 4-4, where there is an idol on both sides of the trench. i have a gut feeling amir and his sock puppets are going to vote autumn. it makes sense, tj wants her gone and the beauties need him reeled in. so i think im going to have to idol autumn, but that is risky because if the 4 vote jake... im going to rocks, and if they vote me, im reliant on jake going to rocks. but i just wanna send all these people backing, especially augusto. amir i'm trying to shake him that me and him have to stick together, but i also could vote for him. i literally just want to make F7 and to vote someone who just voted me out. that is literally all i want. if i go home i will be literally devastated
So like… there’s the dream and there’s the harsh reality which is something this round really talk me. The dream is obviously me winning, making all these big moves, and doing THAT. However, my reality? Could very well be that people don’t see me as a winner at all and it makes me a little disappointed but I gotta prove them all wrong. The vote last round being Ali was honestly mostly my doing and I’m proud of that. My ideal boot order is Autumn/Ali then Jakey then Autumn/Ali and that is GOING to happen because I’m putting that into the universe. When it comes to Autumn and Ali, I would rather Ali go but I think the safest bet while still having a target leave would be Autumn. In a way too, I do know Amir wants Ali out moreso alongside Jakey but I wanna separate my game from Amir so yeah. Also Adam calling me a fake ass bitch even tho my drunk ass was telling him I liked him was a gag… but oh well.. Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking I’m not being genuine with how I feel towards them but if that’s what he thinks, maybe that’s what he’ll get idk… i feel petty and mad for some reason over it… BUT ANYWAY, I just want to survive this vote. I hope Kendall doesn’t go but she also said she wants me to win over Amir so yay?
If I die, I just wanna say I regret nothing and I have full confidence that the right person will win this season. So not TJ, Augusto, or Amir lmaaaaooo. Amir entering the two time winner chat??? Over my dead fucking body. If there's one thing Imma do it's poison a jury
Ali or Autumn... who shall we vote? Stay tuned!
Is Jess really Canadian... stay tuned!
god. today is gonna be another nailbiter and i want to confess first. so the plan is to idol autumn and vote out kendall, which sucks because i do now like kendall. i just think its the safest way of avoiding them playing an idol i guess, i don't even know. i just am sick of fighting in this game every single round me and autumn have had to fight to make it past. the fact jake is throwing a fit in my pms becuase im not idoling him is infuriating because... i'd love to idol myself? like? anyway im over it. if i go home, i hope tj can finally stop his blind fixation on autumn and i, that augusto can actually be accountable for one entire thing, amir can stop his pity party and show awareness for his threat level and that kendall... well actually kendall is fine. i just feel like im a mum trying to get all my kids to fit in a minivan and to put their seatbelts on, like can they get it together.
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I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either.
me with biggest villian, biggest backstabber, thinks they are running the game, is running the game, and is gonna win at the end http://prntscr.com/ss4h5q
literally god demolished and brutalized worse than anyone in this game tonight in that touchy subjects yet I’m also the one comforting like half the tribe over their answers even tho I ADKWNWQJN WAS ATTACKT LIKE this cast literally thinks im a psychopath fjebwfjenkn but im not gonna play victim over my superlatives i just have to use this target on my back strategically
I want destruction AHHHHHHHHHHhhHhHhHhHhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Okay so, they think me or Augusto have the idol, so they can vote kendall, to ensure our idol isn’t played and that me and Augusto and tj are forced into rocks, and im just like trying to get everyone to stop replying to ali cuz hes smart and he will psychoanalyze and figure out who to play the idol on and like he has to play it on autumn and not himself so pls pls pls kkjnkjenfs let this work
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I didnt realize there was a march in milwaukee yesterday, i wouldve gone if id known.
Also, i love how every single story coming out of wisconsin is like "the protests were peaceful and orderly all day! And then suddenly, out of the blue, they just started smashing windows and setting shit on fire!! Why could this have possibly happened????" As if its not cops realizing theyre not gonna get to make any arrests and instigating violence so that they can beat up protestors. Sending undercover cops into protests should be fucking illegal.
#i realize that not all rioting is caused by cops#when when youve got a protest thats been totally peaceful for the last 10 hours#and then in the last hour shit suddenly starts exploding#thats suspicious as fuck#thats got 'cop' written all over it
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I'm at a loss.
So, yesterday was my little sisters birthday. When i say little sister i mean half, and i only say half so that you understand when i say we haven't seen one another enough to be closer. Well, with that being said i had no clue it was her birthday until after my family made plans to go to my husbands best friends daughters birthday party. And i wouldve never known it was my sisters birthday if my great grandmother didnt give me the "you better see her, her moms taking her to North Carolina for good." So ofcourse i tried to over exert myself by trying to do it all when really i just wanted to be lost in a black hole. Forgive me for being selfish, when your a mom selfishness seems even more evil. So i said you know what im going to go to this birthday for my husband, then I'll pick Lena up and we'll have a sleep over. On the way to the birthday party i just wasn't myself. Because i just wanted to be alone. I wanted to make myself understand that what was happeneing with my grandma was real. On the way home from the birthday i remember stopping at this stop light and looking over. To my right was this old white lady driving, and her old black friend riding. And in that moment i thought "why do you get to wear that age? Why do you get to be 75 to 80? What did you do? Did you save lives? Console people? Were you a good person at all?" I sat there and in that moment, stripped those women down to just purposes and it was wrong. I thought to myself how nothing they did could amount to the person you are. And i wasnt sorry for it. I got home, dropped off my husband and went to pick up my little sister. Because if i didnt- I'd be the worst, even though i knew i wasnt up for it. I took her to walmart to pick out her own gift, whatever she wanted but it had to be a necklace. Her eyes were fixated on crosses and i felt guilty when i asked what about thise heart , "No, you have a cross, i want a cross like you." Yeah guilty. Only if she knew the mental warfare going on in my mind about my faith. I think God is sighing. But, i got her the cross anyhow. I wanted to get her a necklace so that when she moved and was upset or confused, shed do what i did. Close my eyes, grab my necklace and breath. Granted i always thought about my grandma and her peace when i grabbed mine, and she shouldn't grab hers and think of me because im not quite knitted right now. We got home and i just gave up on trying to be the cool older sister. I agreed to get up early and do pottery instead. So i got up at 8:30, woke her up and the thing needed batteries, ofcourse i was so wrapped up in thinking i didnt read the thing! But she thought sleeping in was better any ways. So as she laid back down i get a text from my mom. "Grandma is in the hospital". So i called. Fluid in her lungs and stomach she says. Doctors pumped 4 big bottles out and she feels better, but that wasnt a good sign. Ofcourse. Its a sign of the times. I thought trying to get out of my head and into a song thatd distract me. And ofcourse i did what i always do. I asked a 1000 questions. Which always pisses my mom off. And to think of it i do that to find a solution. Like when you walk in a room and play out scenarios and what you'd do if they happened. I try to find an escape route for this thing thats hurting her. And get frustrated when I'm met with "no sheyene i dont know.I'm gonna let you go sheyene." I picked my head up and kept trying. I walked in the room, got julian dressed and lena ready to go get lunch and to head to my nanas. Because i didnt know what else to say. I didnt wanna talk at all. I don't still. So i thought nana can distract us, put us to work ot just simply talk so Lena doesnt feel so awkward being with someone not saying much. I'm with nana for a few hours until my mom calls. I answer but she sniffling so bad my heart dropped, "mom you have to stop crying so i can understand you. Whats going on??" It takes her a second, i walk to my car. "It's stage three right now sheyene, Brittany was right. " i asked what the treatment plan was. She told me they wont know until tomorrow if its stage four but if it is there is no surgery. Only chemo. No i said. I said what do u mean? They can do chemo then surgery to remove whats left. She started to get louder no they cannot sheyene the shit spreads ok. "Mom you're not around grandma are you?" She wasn't.I knew she was hurt. But i wanted to know why were they not gonna try everything. I let het off the phone. Cried. Then decided to call my grandma. I asked her how she was doing. She said better, she can actually lay on her sides which she hasn't done for months. I asked her if she was worried, "no but everyone else seems to be". I wanted to tell her i wasn't that i knew she was strong. But i was. So i said as long as youre not grandma then you'll be okay because you're spirit has to be right for you to fight this. She repeated how she was able to lay on her side for the first time in a while. I then asked why didn't you tell us you were hurting this bad ive seen you alot and you never told me. "Because i was trying to handle it". That hurt. That hurt alot but i dropped the questions and let her know id be up there this week. Maybe sit through a chemo with her. Not once did i think maybe she doesnt wanna do chemo. My grandma is in her 50s. Shes not over her life enough to say well she lived a good one. No. Shes young. And for someone so dedicated to helping everyone, paying everyone's way, a lover of God. I just dont understand. And as i drive home, because i couldn't save face anymore or try to be a hostess i just wanna wreck everything. I wanna fight something i cannot see. Something i do not completely understand. I wanna break everything because i wanna feel my hands change something. And im just confused.
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omg im so sorry if youre on mobile. this is so long but i wanted to let my feelings out and yeah. sorry sorry sorry ignore if you want but also read too cuz i need comfort if u wanna give any
this entire past week has been....super...destructing and a blow to my own self esteem...
so i moved in to my college dorm sunday. seemed okay. i thought itd be more cheerful and id have people introduce themselves to me but apparently not so...but i didnt mind. my roommate didnt arrive till 9 almost and by then i felt really alone like wow. theres no one here. no family. no friends. nothing.
then the next day i went out and it was nice. i explored campuses...rode busses...stuff like that. it seemed like it would be a good start. i went back to my room and felt content with everything. i thought i had a good schedule. i thought i had everything planned out correctly. i thought my money’s worth (a lot of money too) would be going to something good and beneficial not only for me but for my career.
and then the next day happened.
i had my first psych class. it was neuropsychology. professor seemed like a bitch cuz she judged me based on me being a new transfer student who also came from a community college! awesome. so i immediately felt like shit plus i had to stay in the same auditorium (which i HATED) and i waited for my psychological themes in film class to start. i thought it’d be nice. i didn’t expect it to be set in an auditorium, more like reserved classroom with a projector, along with a professor who wore a microphone and talked to us like she was selling something.
and more and more people filled the room and sat down and people sat with their friends and socialized with each other. and because i’m really fucking brand new i knew nobody. i was Alone. the definition of alone. and then my anxiety spiked up and the tiny bouts of depression began settling in. oh yeah. this reminds me of something.
(senior year of high school - the year my depression peaked.)
class started and i began to feel tears in my eyes. i kept looking at another university i had applied to and looked at their major checklist and felt...what i was doing was stupid. how is this going to help me in the long run? sure it’s fun but is fun even worth it if you want money. or enough money to become stable?
class ended and i left the auditorium and saw so many people talking and going about their way. i went on the bus. went home. wanted to burst out crying but didn’t cause that’s embarrassing. and i ran to my room and cried. i literally just cried. i was in panic mode because maybe this wasn’t what i wanted. i had tried it and seen a taste of what was to come and i hated it.
i sent so many texts to my friends and so many of them have said it’s just your first day, give it time, you have no idea what life will be like. and maybe they’re right. but i can’t even imagine wasting that much money on something i’m not comfortable in spending on. and if i wanted to go back home after this semester, it would’ve been for what...nothing. i felt so stupid and hopeless.
i emailed the other university and they replied back to me - and even called me - and said i could come back and get started as soon as possible. i said okay, let me talk to several people here first - like a general advisor and a psychology advisor. well the general advising sucked. i wanted to tell them i had issues and was thinking of going back home and all this other shit i’m dealing with but no, i enter the office and i ask to see an advisor and the lady just raised her eyebrows and said nothing, and i repeated my question and she just motioned to her nametag which said director like excuse fucking me for not seeing that, i’m literally in a crisis mode. fuck you and your nonexistent eyebrows.
so she looked at my schedule and said it was basically shitty. so i mean. i’m confuzzled. she was like pick a minor. i said i don’t know what minor to be in. she said it doesn’t matter. i said it kind of has to relate to your major right? she said no not really. i said okay then what do you recommend. she said well. sociology and public health? well fuck man. this wouldve been so much better if i had done this earlier, like, maybe, A WEEK AGO? oh but no, this university has so many fucking students that it can’t even properly register you for classes cuz theres not enough deans in the world. also spring semester transfers? don’t be one. youll be screwed.
so i was like i’ll do this tomorrow or later today. i also emailed my psychology advisor. he was no help. i even talked to him the day i registered and i should’ve known by then but i wanted to keep an open mind. i really wanted to believe that this was good for me. i asked him what courses is better for me and he generally said well, no one’s had trouble with what is on your schedule. OMG. OF COURSE. BECAUSE THEY’RE USED TO THE 4-YEAR UNIVERSITY/COLLEGE DIFFICULTY LEVEL. I’M NOT. HELP ME.
and i left it at that. i told him i maybe wanted to be a therapist and he said well this class sounds good. oh yeah. just this ONE class. thanks.
at that point i really...didn’t feel anything anymore. i went to my students in transition class and felt like hey, this should be good huh, because these people are just like me!!!!
turns out i was wrong...most of them commute. most of them already know one another. the instructor herself dragged the class and how worthwhile it is. she was like trust me, if i were you, i wouldnt wanna take this class either but it’s mandatory so. nice. we had icebreaker questions and at that point i thought it’d be okay. turns out i was wrong again. it felt weird and even more awkward than the beginning of class. this girl i interviewed looked friendly but do you ever get that feeling like someone just finds you unappealing and generally unpleasant? yeah i got that vibe from her. we didn’t even make small talk. she like refused. i even tried to be outgoing like “is anyone here psych majors? :)” and i got no response. she turned around once we were finished interviewing each other and talked to her friend. i was just sitting there, alone, staring at my paper cuz. well.
i left and i didn’t even feel good from that moment. i thought that class would help but no. it only made me feel more alienated. so i went to my next class in a campus thats so far away and stayed in the building it was in for an hour and researched on my other university in mind and felt relieved they had what i wanted. you might be thinking well michelle you should’ve done this sooner. GIRL I KNOW. BUT THEY DIDNT EVEN HAVE WHAT I WANTED DURING THE SPRING WHEN I VISITED THEIR CAMPUS. IT JUST RECENTLY GOT ADDED.
so at that point i was at a crossroads. i could leave if i wanted to and go home. or stay and tough it out, deal with things, and there we go. look i’m not an extrovert. i’m extremely shy and quiet when things are brand new. it’s because of my anxiety. i can’t help it. it’s just hard. no one can really relate to what i’m going through because they either go to uni as a freshman and meet other scared people or they have friends in most of their classes. or they don’t have to deal with that anxiety because their classroom is small and it’s easier to be more open. i know i do so well in that setting. it’s what i loved community college.
i also know my depression/anxiety can flare up and hinder my abilities to do well in school. it’s happened once before. it can happen again. i can’t afford to let it happen again. so i won’t...i’m coming back home soon and am in the process of withdrawing. i wanted to give this school more time. i was so excited in leaving home and to be honest, i’m not homesick. that’s not the issue. the issue is being confident my money is going to something that’s beneficial for my education and my happiness. and all i’ve been feeling here is fear. nervousness. unhappiness. worry. being away from home is not the issue. it is about making sure i’m making a SMART decision. and i know i’m not.
then my cousin messaged me yesterday and called me immediately after i told her i’m leaving this uni and she was just super sad and wanted me to think about it before i make a solid decision. i said it’s not for me. she said you don’t know that yet. i said i kind of know, i have a gut feeling, and usually that feeling is right. she said well maybe try it for a week. i said i can’t afford to do that. my money won’t get refunded. she said well i want you to be happy. i said i don’t even know if what i want to do will make me happy. she said that’s the most important thing though. i said money will also make me happy too. she said it’s not always about the money. i said maybe it is. that’s what gives me most stress. i’m not lucky to have a full-ride somewhere. i don’t have that advantage.
so i slept and i felt weird today waking up. a part of me, though it’s small, wants to see where this leads. and then a bigger part of me thinks this wouldn’t be right. i am not confident and no one should go forward with shaky feet.
my cousin called me this morning after i told her that. she passed me to her boyfriend and he said you shouldn’t leave. you should stay. i cried cuz there’s validity in that. but i just cannot afford it. the money aspect is huge to me. it should be huge to anyone. it is not a light subject. and i told him that. he said that’s true. and my cousin knew what my dreams are cuz i told her yesterday i would love to do something creative with my life. and she said do it! don’t do something that would make you unhappy.
so...she told me that again today. and her boyfriend was so nice and even said you can come up here and live with us and you can go to school here. it’s exactly what you want. it was a lot to take in.
all i know is i can’t stay where i’m currently at right now. it’s taken a toll on me and i’m even surprised i’m not breaking out with pimples and shit. all i know is i’m not homesick. i don’t particularly miss anyone. i’m fine living alone. it’s what i prefer to be honest. but that shouldn’t be the reason i’m spending my money. cuz it’s a lot. i think if i stay home, stay in my routine, where it’s less of a big shock, and i’m familiar with where i’m going then all is good. right now i just can’t handle that shock. i can’t let it affect my grades. i can’t. and i’ll find ways to get internships or whatever because it’s about looking for it and not having things handed to you...
ANYWAY. i feel so much guilt over what i’ve put my parents through. i know my mom is mad at me but she won’t let it show. my dad wants me to be happy. my sister too. and i appreciate that. it still won���t take the guilt away. my roommate has been so great...she doesn’t get where i’m coming from but she understands if i do leave. she wants me to stay though. i just can’t. :/
i wanted to let this all out on my blog so here ya go. maybe you found this interesting. or maybe u think i’m dumb. lol i don’t really care. i just needed to know if this would be a good match. and now that i’m here it’s not. so. there’s that. shit happens. thanks for reading and if you wanna give me words of comfort please do cuzzzzzz i needs it
ok..........bye yall
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