tbh it is such an adhd experience to have to respond to such rapidly changing environments and to be expected NOT to throw a massive tantrum and to go along with other people's plans, and walker actually did an amazing job of showing what toll that put on percy in the first two episodes and how heightened his emotions must be because of it. he must be so, so especially close to snapping rn and it shows with his big reactions to finding his father, being determined to be noticed, straight up refusing his quest, and (likely, later on) diving straight into saving-his-mom-mode
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Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so raw on here.
Selfishly, it just helps to finally let what's in my mind OUT - and it helps me focus on my work and creative projects.
It feels GOOD to just let it all out bare. I feel heard and witnessed, and that is my NEED in this world. I shouldn't be ashamed of it.
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It's nice to chronicle this whole healing journey, too. It helps me feel less ashamed when I'm struggling, even though I know I'm getting better. I am getting so much better.
I'm getting so much better, yet I am being flipped inside out by this journey, and now, everywhere I go, I feel like people can see me: a bleeding, oozing piece of flesh that's trying to regenerate into something intelligible.
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Not so selfishly (yet somewhat so because I genuinely do like to help)... it feels like all this needs to have some sort of meaning in the large scheme of things. As I've mentioned to my friends and probably before on this blog... I wasn't given a lot of examples of what all this entails. I didn't accept that I was neurodivergent or trans for a long time. I talked about my childhood abuse behind closed doors (or not at all). I didn't fully investigate what was happening to me in life... let alone my own behaviors!
So, hopefully, someone can use this as an example to figure stuff out themselves.
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So I'm raw here because I want to be; it helps me and hopefully helps others.
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the fun part of having both Intense Interests Disorder(times two!) and a deep seated shame over my interests and generally my existence is that my "restraining myself" is other people's "wow, you really like this thing, huh?"
which truthfully doesn't help with the whole "letting go of shame" and "learning to be more open" thing
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If the average neurotypical felt emotions like I do for a day I think they would literally explode
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i can only read like one fic a day bc it takes me like Literal Hours to read a few thousand words bc i keep. i keep doing that jfdkldsjf if it’s a shorter fic i can write normal people comments but the long ones have me shackled like NO i HAVE to tell the author what i think of every third lines or else i will DIE. and so i cant just like read it on my phone in bed or out and about bc i gotta be able to type my comments as i go or ill forget!!!!!!!! live slug reaction in ao3 comments!!!!!
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i feel absolutely socially incompetent lately and every single night im kept awake with anxiety thinking about how i handled every conversation over the past week and if i appeared normal and if i pissed anyone off and how stupid i look and sound in general. maybe i need to see my therapist again <3
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listening to an audiobook of hamnet by maggie o'farrell rn and im only on the first chapter and already im filled w tenderness and sadness for these twins we have so little historical information about, but whose fingerprints and shadows are all over so much of english literature
historical fiction where the protagonist is a real person is pretty much hit or miss for me, but the image o'farrell is creating of these kids is already really getting to me
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man my adhd rlly is making me forget the most ridiculous words while writing. i couldn’t remember the word. for passion.
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like my relentless ambition and inability to give up are definitely connected to my obsessive compulsive disorder. as is my perfectionism, my metacognition, my creative arts, my philosophy. it's not a personality disorder insofar as an integral way my brain functions that shapes so much of me.
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