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jiilys · 3 years

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would u help me out for a second. im in the mood to write for the first time, and i think your style is beautiful. sitting down n actually trying though, im stuck as fuck! i’m realizing that in your dialogue/scenes you’ve got a lot of Little Things. little tiny elements that are subtle & just enough. how are you deciding that lily is building a house of cards at the moment or sirius is sitting in a tree or whatever during a given scene? how do you come up with those ideas for dialogue that are so silly & real & sneakily tender? do you know where it’s going when you begin? any advice for just… starting something?

ps: i appreciate you. you make it look easy & that’s very very cool

This is a lovely question!! Sorry it took me so long to get to it, I didn’t want to get it wrong. Also I’ve included some examples to try and explain what I mean in practise, but it also comes off rather like plugging. tragically this is unavoidable. Anyway, all that being said I have no idea how to advise you about dialogue and coming up with it, I think just listening to people talk helps. Don’t forget contractions, and when in doubt always trust the reader to keep up, real people don’t say perfect or even grammatically correct sentences a lot of the time. We also cut each other off all the time, especially when we’re trying to be funny. Like, here’s an example from warm front:

“He’s not even two. He probably would have thought it was, like, having a lie down or something.”

Harry was laughing now, “A lie down?”

“Yeah, a spontaneous, truck-induced–“

“–Permanent–“ “

–Permanent, lie-down. I’m almost jealous now actually.”

Another thing, but people say um and like or can't speak or cut themselves off, especially when they’re nervous. James when Lily says she loves him for the first time: ‘“Wow,” He breathed, “I’m– wow.” He put both hands on her cheeks and kissed her crazy, abruptly, dumbly. Her head spun.’ He can’t even speak! Dumb boy.

I think natural dialogue sometimes just requires you to read it aloud, which is very embarrassing but ultimately quite useful in trying to figure out whether something sounds normal or not. Use casual words, and try not to go dictionary hunting: if you cant think of the word chances are your character can’t either

In terms of concepts I have no idea, but I do have a few tips. I write all my short one-shots in one document (its called ‘just bad’ lmao) so its easy to start something, write a few lines, and then if it doesnt work just start a new concept, but still have all the old stuff handy. if you feel like you’ve written yourself into a corner its probably because you took a wrong turn earlier, so its just a matter of going back up and figuring out where you turned onto the dead end, or where a line could be funnier and/or sadder and/or more meaningful. Sometimes the bare bones of a decent line is there but you have to work it a little.

In this harry/ginny thing where harry is apologising for all the attention and ginny brushes him off she says:

“It’s nothing,” her voice, all force, “Anyway, it’s more funny than annoying.”

The response went through a few drafts, all variations on the same thing:

(1) “You’re funnier.” [too short, doesn’t make sense, and not really that funny. unholy trinity]

(2) “You make it funny.” Harry said, looking at her for real, “It’s not– you make it like that.” [this could work! I have no idea why I cut this, I think I forgot abt it lmao]

(3) “You’re the funniest person I know, Harry said, sincerely, and Ginny felt her heartbeat all through her, “You make it funny.” [jumping from ‘its more funny than annoying’ to getting this sincere out of nowhere is a little much, even for harry who is famously whipped]

I ended up going with this:

“It’s nothing,” her voice, all force, “Anyway, it’s more funny than annoying.”

“You’re funny.” Harry said, looking at her for real, flustered, “I mean– you make it funny. That’s all you.”

It follows the flow of the conversation and I think the way he says it, ‘you’re funny’ like its obvious, and then being like oh fuck and over-explaining it stumbling a little “I mean– you make it funny. That’s all you.”. You know when you like someone and you say something that gives you away before you can stop yourself? I wanted it to sound like that. Just gotta keep in mind how people behave, we are so stupid a lot of the time, we give ourselves away.

The thing about short stuff i find is implying a lot of history without actually describing a lot of it. I normally do this by having memories come up as almost shards, one second of feeling. You know when you’re in a conversation with someone and they mention someone or a past event, and it rises to the top of your brain, but only for a second? i find sometimes when you’re reading stuff people will try and replay entire memories or events mid-conversation, which is not something you do when you think. You don’t need to replay it beat by beat, you were there! This sounds vague as hell so I’ll try and show you what I mean:

From good crimes: “Petunia is engaged.” Lily’s voice, raw and wrong, “To Vernon. Eliza Hunt told me at the supermarket.” Sudden flashes of Petunia, the only time he’d ever met her, sat in the back of Lily’s twenty-first, pinched and whispering. “Whose Eliza Hunt?” This seems as good a thing to say as any.

pretty on the nose (the phrase ‘sudden flashes’ is pretty so i'll allow it from past me). But see how you don’t need to know how Petunia didnt talk to anyone, how she left early, how she was the odd one out: you don’t need to read all that, you already know because she was sat in the back and because pinched is such a mean verb, spiteful and sharp, you can already imagine how the evening went without me saying so

From my proposal take, after Sirius finds out they’re engaged: Sirius’ grip on his shoulder tightened for one second, still grinning, and James knew what he meant. “I know.” He said, because only Sirius had been there for all of it, when they were fifteen, drunk on Firewhiskey for the first time and James had said I think I’ve fucked it, I think I’ve fucked it but I like her for real.

you don’t need a description of the whole night, what party they were at, who they were with, what they were talking about: the important bit is that Sirius was the first person he told, and that they’re both remembering that at the same moment because they’re soulmates lmao. You know when something big happens for a friend and you feel so full of pride & love that you feel like you’ll burst into confetti?? this needed to feel like that, and you only need a flash for it

I feel like I’ve sort of strayed off from what you asked me, which is really advice on how to start something. I normally start with a line, usually of dialogue, and then try and build from there because dialogue is my thing. You might have a different thing! Some people write from concepts or locations, or an image. i might start with one or a few lines of dialogue, write them down, and then try to build from there. For example for the proposal thing I started from james just saying “Marry me”, which I find more romantic than ‘will you marry me’, purely because it sounds like he simply couldn’t stop himself from saying it, like it rushed out. Another example, this thing started from just “don’t be mad at me” “okay” James agreed instantly, because he is such a sucker for her.

When I write I don’t normally know where I’m going! I normally set out to write something I think is vaguely funny and evokes An Emotion, and then I just play around with stuff until I get there. when I write certain stuff and I have scenes in mind, stuff I want to happen, but I find that if I try to plot it to tightly its not exciting to work on, because sometimes you write a good line by accident, that you hadn’t thought of when you sat down, and you surprise yourself. That is a really nice feeling! i want to maximise that feeling.

'What I mostly try to remember is that writing something down, anything down, is useful. Sometimes you write for a whole night and dont get anything useable, but its like clearing pipes. Sometimes you have to flush through shit to get to the good bits. All the rough stuff, the things you don’t like or didn’t work, you wrote to get you to the stuff that did work. All of the bad shit got you here! It wasn’t a waste, you were working to find the good thing

If I had any tips its just the usual stuff, read! It is annoying how much that helps. Also, and I know this may make you shudder, but reading poetry is useful just because in no other literary or media form is language so important. In comics you have pictures, in novels you have plot and character, in film you all that and cinematography, but in poetry you live and die by how good the words are. If you want recs here’s my poem roundup tag, that I do sometimes, or if you want something just now read this by Anne Carson, which uses words like ‘smashing’, ‘boatwash’, and ‘green’ in the best way possible. Also it has these lines: “Recently having learned to recognize the type of tree called sycamore, / I see them in any forest— / the ones that look harrowed, / in shreds, but / go also / straight up into life,”

I mean, think of a sharper image than that?? It’s not possible. Just try remember to stay true to your characters and that in real life, the little stuff is the big stuff. Little things the people around you do normally show they care more than big speeches, and if you want to show love that’s how to make it feel lived in. You want to build a world! the little stuff is usually the world. Take some from your own or dream the ones you wish you had.

This truly was a very kind message and I’m so grateful you like my stuff, I hope any of this was even half-useful, although now reading it back it is borderline nonsensical. I’m going to bed now, good luck with the writing, and don’t forget to send it to me!!

caro xoxo

#writing bitching #said it already but loved this message it was so thoughtful. seemed pretty articulate to me i think ur writing is gunna be just fine!!!#rooting for you & anyone trying to write something rn. words suck and are difficult! they are also better than drugs & sex. regretable #kindnesses

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cow5secondchance · 3 years

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Episode 4 - Honestly I’m a Vindictive Person - Blake

Format: The Penthouse

Eliminated: Mario & Jennet (4-4-4 // 4-4-1)

WILLIAM

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NICOLE

These little weirdos don’t know what they’ve just done! Lit a fire under my ASS. I’m so sick of feeling down in this game like every week is something else that I get dragged into and then the one week I’m planning nothing, thinking everything is going smoothly and my number 1 ally goes home after literally being pummeled the whole game. I’m so damn annoyed. I want the switch, I want top of the penthouse or whatever they call it. I want power so I can feel like I can shake things up!!!!

CAPTAIN

hello everyone i forgot to update yall since the second week so here we go! so we pulled off the plan to evict wyatt and i was so scared that they were going to pick me but i guessed they still love me and that makes me feel bad but urgh.. i just hope they could be able to come back </3 now we're moving to the daisy chain round in which isaac ruined everything after he saved nicole when he should save mario so thats a red flag. anyways, i came up with the plan to save everyone from the greenhouse and pretty people wink wink and i did that so congrats me. anyways, isaac put mario up and i was like maam not mario. no one talked to me about the votes. the alliance with blake, jennet, autumn, nicole, isaac and jarod? i think was made and now blake is upset with me for not telling him everything when i didn't talk about anyone in this vote and i just voted out isaac because i couldn't vote out mario? so white man.... urgh

these white ppl are freaking out too much

XAVIER

I want to end up in the Penthouse. Put Kaleigh last, so she gets eliminated, as I don't think her Defender will save her. And then the 4 options left, the 6 who voted together now will just have to vote together again. I want those who are really playing to stay longer, even if they are threats to me. It's just more fun. So none of those just popping up to vote :) All plans though. Might delete later haha.

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JAROD

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NYX

So this week went the way I wanted it to but not without a bunch of complications. So the daisy chain went pretty well I mean we controlled it from beginning to end and I think that we made it obvious enough to where the greenhouse people weren't seen as an immediate target. Then isaac and kaleigh ended up being up for banishment and I was really happy since kaleigh i don't talk to as much and i just voted isaac as well as him being way too chaotic for my liking. When Kaleigh won the uproot though that's when i got nervous because that meant there was gonna be a replacement and of course with my luck it was mario. Now this round changed my outlook on a lot of things because when i was campaigning for mario mario didn't do anything. He wasn't talking to people, he wasn't making bonds, and it's so fucking hard to save someone who won't save themself. There's also the fact that all of sequester voted the exact same way to save isaac which is also suspicious. Granted we in the greenhouse did as well. So this makes me realize that probably sometime soon, i'm gonna have to renege on the greenhouse four because mario clearly isn't gonna help my game much when it's my ass and were gonna be such an obvious target moving forward. Since the vote was 6-4 besides sequester and GH i don't think there's any clear alliances made so depending on who wins power this round i'm gonna have to make the move. the question right now is just how?

I put a lot of effort into winning that penthouse comp so it sucks that I didn't win BUT. If there was anything i trust to put my faith in it's definitely william since we just pulled a big move together so ik he'll at least have my back. I think i have a good chance of surviving this round but i guess we'll see

XAVIER

I AM SO BAD AT CHALLENGES. I reviewed the videos and all the details. But got bogged down with reading Wyatt's question - not the color of the shirt Wyatt is wearing! And just counted the painted art of Jennet, not the total. OH WELL. I have a pretty good relationship with William. I don't think I'll be in the bottom 5. Just depends now on who has the Switch and if it will be used on me. I feel it is with Jarod. Who else would Isaac give it to? Maybe Jarod won't use it on me, I think Jarod would have other targets aside from me at this point. So Greenhouse 4 still here. Mario is ... Mario. Wish Mario were more active. Harder to defend Mario now. I have a good relationship with Lindsay, William, even Kaleigh. Jarod too. Blake we get to talk. Autumn, Nicole and Jennet, I have been reaching out, but they are just so "busy" or maybe I am just not on their priority list. The Greenhouse 4 (well, 3 without Mario), William, Jennet, Lindsay voted together last round. So hopefully if we get to stick together this round, we will be safe too.

BLAKE

im feeling a bit down about my spot in the game! I think im probably a pick to go soon, and I really just need to find my footing in order to make a move in this game gr! last week i was at work, but it seems like william and nyx flipped the vote? but i cant be angry about it w/ william even though i AM so i decided just to rant about everybody ELSE to william and i think my whineyness is really working for me, serving nicole franzel, because i think william wants jennet gone which is like- good cause i think shes in the middle of the game.

CAPTAIN

william won the power! so.. i really don't know the outcomes tbh cause like even though we voted together last round, i didn't really talk to him (or anyone) about the vote. so i'm a little worried. i just hope the bond that we have made on the first round helps a bit with his decision.. please please i just wanna make it..

JAROD

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XAVIER

Nice line up for bottom 5, William. Most voted with him last round except for Nicole and Kaleigh. I think he believes Kaleigh won't be saved and so eliminated first. And then Nicole would be the target. I was surprised Isaac gave Nicole the switch. I thought it would go to Jarod. Maybe Isaac thought that too, so shook things up a little. I don't think Nicole will switch me. I would want the kill used, so we don't worry about it later on. But if mostly Greenhouse is on the bottom (if Nicole switches out with Nyx), then we should use save to mess things up.

Why does it feel like I am the only one making strategic plans with these 3? Am I in the wrong alliance? Maybe I can get us 4 to sure Jury and switch to Nicole, Jarod and Blake. Ugh. Tiring.

NYX

So, this week I thought that I would be good I mean william won the penthouse comp I was safe and while the bottom five wasn't desirable i'll take it. Then of course karma comes back to bite me in the ass and the guy i orchestrated a vote out for chose the one person I couldn't have getting the karma got it and i know for a fact based on the fact nicole refuses to hold any type of intelligent conversations with me i'm in trouble

XAVIER

Could it be? Don't want to jinx it but..... https://youtu.be/wKP0hNmg4gE

BLAKE

I’m so glad I had a literal mental breakdown last week over everything because one thing didn’t go my way. Really embarrassing for me BEBSNSNSK but anyways! Moving on! I’m hoping Kaleigh doesn’t get the boot honestly and it’s a heavy vote, considering I put in a lot of work to get myself to 2nd in the totem poll and had to release a lot of information to William to get here, it would be really unfortunate if I were to somehow end up vulnerable through a twist ! The reason I don’t want Kaleigh gone is because there are 2 other people I would rather go in the bottom (jennet and captain) for flipping. Honestly I’m a vindictive person and LOVE them but, they gotta GO just out of spite truly. I’m really happy with the new alliance of Lindsay myself William and Jarod, and the reason I’m apologizing for being a literal nut job last week is because I made everything about me, I was spiralling because I was having stress with work and everything I think? Who knows? And I really don’t think I’m in as bad of a spot as I thought I was, especially if I can knock out some big players and Isaac or daisy wins the battle back. As for the battle back! I’ll rank the 4 people out right now on how much I want them to return 1- Isaac 2- Daisy 3- Wyatt 4- Lanie

XAVIER

I AM IN THE JURY FOR SURE! I mean, I want to win, but for sure I am not pre-jury! Now the double vote. It was a waste of the save. Nicole should have just eliminated Kaleigh. Now it means the second round of Penthouse will be an automatic elimination. That would be tough. I know many are looking at Kaleigh and Mario to vote. But if most put votes on Kaleigh, and a few on Mario, could we still swing the second vote off Mario? And onto a bigger threat? Maybe it will help us more farther along in the game. And who doesn't want a group of 4 lasting longer? There might actually be more votes on Mario than Kaleigh, because of the Greenhouse returnees still being complete. Let me think more on this. One of them is surely going home, do you want to save the other for a bigger threat like Jennet or Lindsay? I am cool with Lindsay. Jennet I haven't forgotten being their nominee.

I am not pre-jury! I know I kept saying pre-merge in the video haha Survivor on the brain. https://youtu.be/SErcWUpfCwo

CAPTAIN

[this is gonna be a throwback diary room entry!] william put me in the bottom 5.. not surprised i think. i was hoping if our connection we made in the first round was gonna help here but its not. but i don't blame him.. i rlly flop with talking to people the past couple of days teehee. so thats kinda the wake up call for me to like keep talking to people or else i'll be over. i don't have any bad blood with william i think but i also won't forget that he's putting me in the bottom 5. period.

NYX

Ok so, with this heavy vote twist this means one of either Jennet, Lindsay, Mario, Captain, or maybe Kaleigh will be up to be voted for. This sucks because those first 4 are close allies. So now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because i'm gonna have to let one of them go. so now i have to pick my loyalties. I would like to get Kaleigh and maybe Mario out because then we'd be forced to work with other people in other alliances but I just don't think Xavier would turn on them like that. I just have to find some kind of excuse to pull this off.

CAPTAIN

nicole saved kaleigh! thats good for kaleigh! this vote tho is gonna be something.. i don't wanna go so i'm fighting hard. blake told me he's not voting me. i know i can trust jarod, jennet and autumn and the greenhouse people.. so i think i'll be fine here? but idk. anything freaky could happen. for the voting plan, i think GH4 is gonna do kaleigh so thats 4 votes on her. and hopefully, jarod, jennet, autumn, blake and nicole is doing mario so it would be 5 on him. and lindsay told me she won't vote me so i think she might do mario too? since mario isn't talking to ppl. this is always my issue with mario like i love him but he doesn't even want to save himself and i just can't carry him anymore.

AUTUMN

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XAVIER

So I was going to try and vote someone else out. I mean majority look like they are voting Mario. So the G4 would be voting Kaleigh. If I could just convince Mario to vote someone else, it would be 2-2. But then Blake messages and says that the G4 are voting together, so is there something. So in order to just make sure Kaleigh gets out and not cause extra drama, I am sticking to Kaleigh. Well, it is kinda obvious I guess. I just told Blake I wanted to help us all get to "merge" since we had the worst placements of all coming in the game. I hope that was convincing enough.

So G4 voted for Kaleigh, I knew it if I switched to Jennet then Jennet and Mario would have gone home. But at least it's out in the open. So I think Sequester+Jennet voted for Mario. And Penthouse+Survivor (the others) voted for Jennet. Good to know where Jarod and Blake really stand, even with all their messages to me. The swing votes are the other 4. Gotta make better relationships with William, Lindsay and Nicole. And what's up Blake? Outing the G4 in the group call? When Sequester is the same, good thing Nyx brought it up. Watch your back, Blake.

LINDSAY

Not thrilled about this vote for many reasons. So, William gets power, and he messages me, right? "I want to work with you me Jarod and Blake" okay that's cool but uhhh.... there's six white people left in the game and that's four of them... so me and jarod message like "???" and we work to stop the noms from being all POC cuz that's gross (the intention was Jennet+Greenhouse/Nicole which uhhhhhh). I talked him into at least nomming Kaleigh. Me and Jarod were under the impression that Kaleigh would go home tonight for general inactivity (also Mario because he's inactive as piss + a greenhouse kid did probably finally need to go tonight) Where did this Jennet vote come from? Who voted for Jennet? Why are they suddenly a target? I dunno man I couldn't fight it much because I was out with my friend while we were deciding who to vote for but I'm squicked out on every level right now. Clearly people weren't telling the truth to me on top of everything else.... that's not how you win my trust. My god, am I about to goat for Jarod? I think Mario/Jennet are going home but not happy about this all around.

#cowsecondchance #episodes

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agaytreasureofthesouth-blog · 5 years

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The “Ghosted” Friend 👻

I feel like I’m neglected and looked over a lot. Over and over again I’m forgotten about or the friend that’s put on the back burner. I’m SO tired of these things:

“Sorry just got this but I can’t because...(insert bs excuse)

“We should hang out! Really!” *never hear from them their just saying that because your suppose too

or my personal fav

*read

Being forgotten about

“We didn’t think you’d want to come”

This leaves me wondering this:

Did I do something wrong?

Why don’t they like me?

Am I too annoying?

Do I talk to much?

Does my homosexuality bother them even though they say they love how fem I can be at times

I talk to little

I’m not open enough

I’m too open

I text them too much

They are only using me

They are lying to you because they feel sorry for you

You’ll never be cool enough or good enough to be friends with them

It’s cause they think your too much of a straight edge

I would honestly rather someone tell me “I don’t like you and don’t want to be more than acquaintances with you. No hard feelings” then to lie and smile to my face and pretend to like me.

It bothers me a lot and I’m not sure why. I have a few thoughts though because I know I’m not alone in this...

You have to protect yourself first and formost! No ones mental/physical health should be jepeodized to make someone else happy or to “be polite”

My whole life I was taught manners and how to be courteous to others. I think every person especially children should learn and practice manners like please and thank you and holding doors and things, but you should never put with with a friend who puts your mental/physical health at risk.

Family or friend. This is how a toxic relationship is formed. As someone who had been in an mentally and emotionally abusive relationship I did a lot of things because I thought I was suppose to. Even if there was no positive outcome for me. I spent a lot of my days using all my energy to prepare for my SO to come home from work and ruin my entire night in 2 min by tearing me or anything down. I put up with it because I loved him and I assumed I was in the wrong and for our relationship to work he would need to be happy before me. I sacrificed my happiness in hopes he would be happy and change seeing how hard I tried. But it was the opposite. He would take more and more from me. And when I had nothing left to give and started to wonder what the point of my life was if I couldn’t ever make him happy?

Well I’m happy to say it took over a year for me to realize that would never happen and for my life to continue I would need to leave what started out as a easy friendship.

I was so entrained with a boy who wanted to be my friend and spend time with me I ignored the red flags. I think platonic relationships are the same. We have to set boundaries for ourselves. Concrete boundaries for the relationships in our life. The dictionary definition of boundaries is “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.”

Dividing line really sticks out to me. It’s so important to have the conversation with yourself what’s acceptable and what’s not and HOLD onto it! Remember it! Accidents happen and people make mistakes, but once is a confidence, twice is intentional, 3 times is a habit starting to form.

I’m not saying if someone fucks up to leave them their not good for you. We all mess up, we all do bad things but it’s about growing from that and being able to call your friends out on those things, you have a grown up- fierce conversations, and move on from it. And if a resolution can’t be met or the same actions are repeated that’s a good sign it’s time to move on. People do change. It’s rare, but you also can’t convince someone to change. Ask someone who’s ever loved an addict.

Your probably saying what’s a fierce conversation? Well if you haven’t heard of the book “Fierce Converstions” by Susan Scott Susan describes a fierce conversation as “One in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation and make it real." She believes that interpersonal difficulties are a direct result of our inability to communicate well.

For relationships to be successful of any kind, (work, school, friends, spouse, kids, etc.) we can’t sugar coat our problems! By choosing NOT to speak up because you don’t want to upset or offend them or have that difficult conversation puts limits on your relationship. If you are uncomfortable talking about this now how will it transpire later in your relationship? What if it happens again, will you say anything? Will you stop hanging out with them? Ghost them? Block them? How you handle the situation is how your relationship will unfold. If you are open and honest you will have a strong accountable relationship. The opposite of that, hiding your feelings towards how a situation was handled, how someone spoke to you, something you were upset about whatever the case may-be puts limits on how much your relationship can grow.

Limit your emotions and your standards and you limit yourself. How can we grow as a person, especially us empaths that LOVE to “fix” or “help” if we are constantly giving out our trust/ our hand to those that don’t deserve it. It’s like each time you cut away at yourself and give it away to someone else with nothing in return to build yourself back up. Boundaries are the lines that protect our heart. Without them we burn out.

So I understand what a healthy relationship looks like. What people who genuinely root for your well being and existence in their life. But what when you can’t find it?

Honestly I don’t have the answer because that’s where I’m stuck...

My best friend moved 12 hours away. We had an amazing relationship and we still talk daily but obviously I’d like someone here at home to friend, but I’ve had no luck. I know a lot of people and I’ve attempted to make friends and do things and everything feels so forced and fake and I hate it. It’s like the people I’m with aren’t having a good time either and we are just pretending.

I’m so tired of fake!

I did customer service for most of my life, and I can spot fake happy in a second.

I try to think things like, “your anxiety is making you feel this way. They are just busy/tired/ didn’t really see it.” And I think that’s part of it...sometimes...maybe...

And lately my new thought, and I’m actually kind of proud of this discovery is “they are naive and don’t know any better. So you can’t blame them for not being at that stage of growth yet”

In the same way you can’t get mad at a child for how quickly they learn to crawl because they are growing. They don’t know any better yet” we all grow at different rates. I feel like my heart is a little lighter when I think like that. We have to remember we are all humans who are constantly growing and experiencing life and the journey is different for all of us. But that is not reason to hold onto a toxic relationship.

We can still respect and cheer for someone’s growth without them being an active part of our lives.

But I’ve done my research and I know who I am. I’m proud of where I’ve come and how far I’ve had to come to make it to where I am. I know I’m a good person and a good friend. I’ve never been mean or spiteful to anyone and I am always the cheerleader of my friends. Im never judge mental, I ’m a great listener, I’m funny (most of the time), I try to be a safe place for everyone to come. Someone to talk to. I’ve always said I wanted my home to be a place you can come anytime and have something to eat, a glass of wine, talk, not talk, smoke with, whatever you need at that current time. I think people sense that and know it and i get taken advantage from. And that’s where that line comes in.

I am that safe place for others, but also for myself. Some days, my empath senses need a recharge for myself to heal. So I’m an avid believer that you can isolate yourself and not talk to anyone for awhile. Be honest and tell them you are needing some time to yourself for awhile to heal and gain your strength back. A good friend will tell you they understand and ask if they can help in anyway.

Empathetic people want to be listened to, too. We are the “dream catcher” of everyone’s emotions and that catches up quickly if you don’t know how to process it. Knowing how self care works and what you need to bring yourself back to your normal self is important. Trapping those emotions in and not processing them comes out in other ways, like anxiety, lashing out at minor issues, high blood pressure, depression, ect.

So in conclusion here is my thoughts. People suck. Period. Relationships are fucked up and hard and scary but honestly they can be so worth it. My best friend that moved is my biggest supporter and we talk constantly. We’ve made so many memories and she has taught me so much about life and myself I owe her for teaching me to grow. To think outside the box and challenge the way people behave, and think. I base most of my friendships off ours and that’s probably bad because I’ve known her for 9 years,but I know what a healthy relationship looks like because of her. It’s because of her I see the actions of others who aren’t being authentically themselves.

Maybe it bothers me so bad that people seem to snub me and keep going because of how hard I’ve worked to become who I am. I was closeted for 19 years. 19 years I lived a lie in every way you possibly can and you lose who you are after awhile. You try to be fake for so long the line between true you and the person you fake being is blurred and you lose track of which life is which and if that doesn’t make sense to you, ask someone that is LGBTQIA+ and I’m sure they can relate.

I spent So long being fake these, forced fake relationships I’m getting from other people are just not doing it for me. And I think it’s because I’ve grown so much. I’m unapologetically myself because I couldn’t be for so long. And I don’t think others realize the value in that. I’m weird and loud and fem and I’m FUCKING PROUD OF IT because it’s me. I’m being my authentic self that IM proud of and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If I’m not good enough for you the way I am, then your relationship in my life is not needed. I’d rather go home alone every night, never have a friend, boyfriend, family, whatever and snuggle with my cats knowing I didn’t conform to be anyone else today. I didn’t water down myself to keep a friend.

Despite I’ve been kind of sad about my shitty friends situation, I’m gonna be happy on my own. I’m gonna find things that make me happy like photography and community involvement to keep my mind and hands busy.

“I believe that the measure of a person's life is the affect they have on others.” -Steve Nash

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