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crescentsteel · 3 years

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Keeping a Secret - Part 12

pairing: Tsukishima x f!manager of Sendai Frogs genre: fluff, crack, slow burn, sexual tension, angst, smut wc: 9.7k

[a/n]

AO3 link is at the masterlist’s page for those who want to read there.

IM SORRY FOR THE DELAY. I SEE YOU ALL IN MY ASKS, OKAY?? IM SORRYYYYY

I know I said this would be a long one (When is it not?) but if I didn’t stop here, we’d reach 15k and no one wants that (I think?)

Most importantly, I may not be responding to all comments and asks but I do read them. Over and over. There was one reblog that really made me smile and they deleted it. :(((

Last (god this is long): Here’s my tip jar. Send alms to the poor girl please.

Part 11 || Part 13 || masterlist

You wake up feeling woozy the next morning, which must be due to the melatonin you took before going to bed. On your way home last night, you passed by a drug store to get a bottle. It’s your first time taking the sleeping aid but you drank the maximum amount of tablets allowed because you want to get knocked out as soon as possible.

You dozed off a few minutes after you went to bed, sleep taking away any chance grief had to take over. So as you get up, you feel the heavy pull of sleepiness even though you were conked out long enough to have a decent amount of rest. You don’t complain though. You’ll take this grogginess over a puffy face. It will be gone in an hour or two anyway, you think.

After everyone gets out of the bus when the team reaches the Sendai gymnasium, you check on them if they have everything they need. Last time, Kogane forgot his damn kneepads and only noticed when the game was ten minutes away. You had to literally make a run for the nearest Sports booth to get the setter a new pair. Despite the number of athletes you pushed around so you’ll get accommodated first, you still didn’t make it in time.

In the end, Kogane missed the first twelve minutes of the set and Coach was pissed. The only reason Kogane wasn’t given penalties on the following training is because the team won. You’re positive that Coach would’ve given him hell if it was the opposite.

“I didn’t forget anything this time, I swear!” Kogane sounds almost pleading with everyone’s eyes on him that it makes you laugh a little.

“You better be sure, Koganegawa. Or I’m pulling you out of the starting line up next season,” Coach threatens before turning around to go inside the arena.

You go beside Kogane and pat him in the back as consolation. “Will she really?” He looks at you with utmost concern as he asks. You smile reassuringly at the tall setter which makes him ease up.

“Yeah. She meant that,” you add then give him one more pat before you leave him slack-jawed.

“Y/n-san!” He cries out as you jog to Shiro who’s walking behind the line covered by the tall men. You put a hand on her shoulder and grin. “This is not where managers are supposed to be.”

“Huh?” She looks around, clearly bewildered where she should be at.

You wink at her then drag her to the front where the Coach is. You lead her to Coach Mira’s left side while you position yourself at her right before the team reaches the entrance of the gymnasium. Shiro is still confused, Coach is unbothered, while you are smiling innocently.

Your battered self-esteem can use a really good patching up and this will help a little. As you enter the glass doors of the arena, you get exactly what you want - attention. You revel in it, savoring the distanced admiration from the attendees of today's match. With Shiro added in the line-up, it’s a freaking parade of the Sendai Frogs’s bench members.

Tsukishima doesn’t give one flying fuck about the leering gazes thrown your way. Usually, that is. With the new female manager in front, there’s more of them today, which is not surprising at all. Of course you accommodate them, smiling and waving every once in a while at the athletes who are obviously gawking.

He doesn’t know if it’s him but you seem to be enjoying it thoroughly today. Shiro looks terribly perplexed with what’s happening. You, on the other hand, are milking the attention. He can hear the audible fawning in the background as he passes them by.

‘She said hi to me. The pretty manager said hi to me.’

‘You idiot! She was waving at me.’

It is damn irritating. He gets his headphones that are latched onto his neck and puts it on even when there’s no music playing, just to muffle their voices and comments about you.

Now that the noise sounds distant, it gives his mind plenty of space for unsolicited thoughts. Why the hell is he irked by the slew of grotty flatteries thrown your way? This is nothing new. This is just another match where people are ogling at you for you have always attracted people even without trying. So why is he bothered only now?

He looks at you who’s smiling brightly to other athletes and even when you veered your gaze straight ahead.

Jealousy? Is it that?

He doesn’t think so. Not quite. He knows how you see these people with superficial admiration for you. They’re irrelevant. What really bothers him is that he now sees the perspective these people do. He understands the admiration, more than he wants to admit.

He’s not jealous, but he thinks it would be nice if instead of heeding the onlookers, you’ll glance back around and it’s him you’ll look at. You’ll tilt your head to the side a little, that mischievous glint twinkling in the corner of your lips while one brow is raised a little. That’s how you smile at him.

Used to.

The last time he saw it was that night in his bedroom. Nothing genuine after that anymore. This morning, there was not even a civil smile thrown his way. You’re chipper with the rest but when you passed by him, what he got was a dry ‘good morning.’

What was he expecting after last night though? You gave him an ultimatum and he gave you the only answer he’s capable of.

It shouldn’t be like this. What is this malaise that is incessantly gnawing on him? He keeps thinking that he’ll get the repose he’s been clawing to have, but every decision he makes with you strays him further away from it.

“Y/n,” you feel the Shiro’s helpless grip on your jacket.

“Hmm? What’s wrong?” You pray that it is nothing serious because this match is more important than most. Nothing should go wrong and you made sure you checked on everything before getting there. Winning this match earns the team the golden ticket to challenge the Hornets for a promotion game.

“Tsukishima won’t let me help with his tapes again.”

You breathe out a rankled sigh. You were hoping you didn’t have to deal with him today. You haven’t processed last night’s encounter yet and you frankly don’t want to. As much as possible, you want to avoid Tsukishima. Just thinking of having him two feet in front of you, even if it’s only for bandages, is exhausting already.

“It’s fine,” you smile at Shiro. “Let’s get someone to help him out.” You give her a reassuring smile then walk over to Kogane.

“Kogane~” You sing his name as you approach him. The ever cheerful setter turned to you with a wide, welcoming grin.

“Yes?”

“Can you help Tsukishima out with his tapes? He’s scaring Shiro and I’m busy preparing the tally sheet.” You’ve prepared the tally sheet long before today but no one knows that. If you can get someone to save you from the trouble, why not?

Kogane nods eagerly. “Okay!” He jogs to where the source of your troubles are and relieves you of the burdensome task of dealing with the blonde middle blocker.

You proceed to the benches and sort out your binder and folder as you wait for the game to start.

You have taken many deep breaths and are currently clutching your pen while you watch the third set. The second set was a close one. The Frogs almost secured the win in the last set but the opposing team scored five consecutive points that stole the set.

Even with the third set reaching the 20-point mark, both teams are still neck to neck.

You’ve never really cheered while the game is ongoing but you are itching to do so right now to give the team a slight push and also get rid of your nerves. You feel like your gut is in knots with how tense you are. You usually just enjoy the game, but not this one. They should win. They have to.

A sudden firm grip makes you jump a little. You tilt your neck to your side and see Coach still looking at the match but has a small smile on her face that you know is not from the match, but is for you. “When you show you’re nervous, the team gets nervous as well. It’s a Coach’s job to remain calm for the team.”

You stare at her for a few seconds, the nerves becoming manageable as you take in her calm demeanor. You breathe out a heavy puff then smile with ease as well. Coach is absolutely right. The morning was all smiles but after the warm up, you could feel the tension from most of the players. Even as a manager, you have to be as collected as you can be to do your tasks properly while the game is taking place But if you’re going to be the assistant Coach, you have to be calm to ground the team and guide them accordingly on how to proceed with the game. That’s what you should be doing right now and she is kind enough to remind you of it.

“Thanks, Coach,” you say quietly but gratefully.

Her smile suddenly drops, which is followed by a whistle from the referee. You turn your gaze to the court, wondering what happened that stopped the game.

Tsukishima is slouched over and appears to be holding his arm, or is it his hand? You’re not sure from where you’re seated. Even without everyone looking at him worriedly, you know something’s wrong.

“Y/n.”

Just by the sound of urgency in Coach’s voice as she calls your name, you instantly stand up and rush to where he is. You rush to where he is right away and see him pressing his middle in and index fingers together.

“Tell me what’s going on,” you instruct him briskly so you know how to proceed. Visual cues are not enough. He needs to say what exactly happened.

“I’m fine,” he says under his breath.

You grit your teeth in annoyance. Him being a difficult piece of shit to handle is not new to you. But for fuck’s sake, this is not the time and place.

You tilt your chin up and are about to castigate him until you see how he looks. In a snap, your anger turns to deep-seated worry. His brows are scrunched together badly as he chews on his bottom lip. He must’ve noticed your concern because he suddenly bows his head and puts his hands down as an attempt to hide his palpable pain.

“Tsukki,” you utter his name delicately as you place a gentle grip on his tense arm. “Does it hurt a lot?”

His harsh features soften a little when he meets your eyes. “A little,” he answers quietly, which means that it’s painful enough for him to admit as such.

“Let me see,” the strictness in your voice is no longer there. What’s left is tenderness paired with disquietude as he slowly removes his other hand pressing his fingers together.

You’re not able to suppress your gasp when you see what he’s hiding.

The tape on his middle and ring finger are torn off. You thought the ball scraped his skin and wounded him but it’s worse than that.

His middle finger is crooked to the left.

“Y/n.”

The team captain enters and pops the private bubble you and Tsukishima were just in. You gather yourself and face Eiji to discuss the citation at hand. “He dislocated his finger. I need to take him to the clinic.”

Eiji looks at Tsukishima’s hand and hisses when he sees the injured finger. He looks at Tsukishima and smiles, probably to ease everyone’s worry. “Get that treated for the promotion match after this, Tsukishima.” Eiji assures Tsukishima then taps his shoulder before turning his gaze at you.

You understand immediately and glance at Coach to give her the signal for substitution. She nods then gives the official call to the referee.

You place your hand delicately on Tsukishima’s back to usher him out of the court. He complies easily this time and walks away with you. You two go to Coach before leaving for the clinic. “He dislocated his finger.”

Coach eyes Tsukishima’s hand and immediately acknowledges the urgent need to head for the clinic. “Shiro!” You call for your co-manager and assign her the task of manning the tally sheet. You’ve explained it to her before and she’s had previous experience so it shouldn’t be a big deal. You will still be the one to collate and process after.

You’re panicking on the inside, but for the sake of Tsukishima and team, you keep it together. The game resumes as you give Shiro your the sheets she needs.

“Y/n,” you hear Coach’s firm voice as she mentions your name before you leave with Tsukishima. You turn around to face her. “Yes, Coach?”

However, she only looks at you intently. You wait for what she’s going to say but she doesn’t utter a single word. Eventually, she shakes her head then tells you to go.

You tread the gymnasium hall with Tsukishima in silence, the chatter and uproar in the gym more pronounced with how no words are being said between the two of you. Your previous discomfort of being around him is completely gone. The only thing you can wrap your head on is his crooked finger which until now he’s still gripping tightly

Even when you two reach the clinic, no one says anything. Both of you only listen to the physician and Tsukishima talk as his injury is being attended to.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how painful is it?” The physician asks him. He takes a moment, but eventually he answers.

“Eight.”

You’ve handled injuries in the team before. It’s something inevitable with the sport. It will happen once in a while. You’ve even heard an answer of 11 in the scale when it was Kogane who sprained his ankle.

But Tsukishima has never been injured before. It’s your first time taking him here in this room, and with his features still strained, you can tell he’s still doing his best not to show the pain.

“I see.” The physician takes his hand gently and carefully takes off the present bandages before gently inspecting his crooked finger. Tsukishima suddenly winces just when the physician touched the dislocated digit. You immediately grip his shoulder to try and keep him still.

“In the count of three, I’ll put it back. Okay? Deep breaths, please,” the physician is soothing and calm-mannered but you can feel your heart pounding as if you’re the one whose phalanges are about to be pulled and pushed. To your surprise, Tsukishima grabs your hand. He lifts it off his shoulder a little then laces his fingers with yours.

Before you can react to the uncanny gesture, the physician starts counting. “One.”

At a glance, he doesn’t seem bothered. His face is inscrutable but he squeezes your hand when the countdown starts.

“Two.”

You know that it’s supposed to be for him, but you feel eased by it as well. Holding him like this is somehow subduing your erratic worry. You brush your thumb along his knuckles and hope that you’re doing the same for him.

“Three.”

You might have imagined it but you hear the crack of joints that makes you flinch. You look away and curse lowly.

“Shit.”

You hear your voice joined by Tsukishima’s with the same expletive. You two glance at each other, sharing the similar surprised look from the same reaction you both had. There’s nothing funny about it, but a small snort escapes from you. You’re quick to recover as you press your lips together and look at the lady attending to his finger.

You know you’re not supposed to have these moments anymore. You’re not supposed to have feelings anymore but what can you do if it happens naturally like this? How are you supposed to stop yourself from having these emotions when it assails you before you can even guard yourself?

“There you go,” the physician announces and lets go of Tsukishima’s hand. She turns around to get new bandages but when she faces Tsukishima again, her eyes land on your hand which he’s still holding.

He must’ve seen it too because he lets go the same time you do.

The physician only smiles at you two then proceeds to splinting his middle finger. “You can take a painkiller for it if it’s unbearable. I’ll go to the other room and set up the X-ray, alright? We have to make sure you don’t have any fractured bones,” she smiles then leaves for the X-ray room.

“As soon as we get back to the benches, take a painkiller. I have some in my bag,” you say quickly, refusing to think about how you held each other just a while ago.

At this point, there’s no use pondering about such things anymore. Not when you already know the answer to it - it’s nothing. That’s what Tsukishima thinks and definitely what he’ll say when you ask about it. So you will act like it didn’t happen.

“Yeah, okay,” he says in a hushed voice.

You try to study his face but he’s looking down. You get a chair and sit beside him so you can at least have an idea what’s running in his head. When you finally catch a glimpse of his features, frustration covers them.

It’s not subtle. It’s as if he was waiting for the physician to leave before letting his true sentiments show.

“Tsukishima,” you keep your voice steady to get him out of the jaundiced headspace he’s obviously in. You don’t know if he’s concerned about his injury or about the game. Maybe it’s both. He may not show it, but you know him. He wants to play and he wants to win.

You open your mouth but it’s him who gets to speak first.

“I could’ve prevented it.”

You shake your head, quick to dismiss his line of thinking. “Injuries happen. We can do our best to prepare and avoid them but -”

He suddenly lifts his gaze up to you, not even a tiny bit appeased with how you’re reasoning out with him. “I knew my tapes were off when the game started.”

The grievance he’s currently mulling over drops on you as well. You feel the weight of it fall on your shoulders. You should be alleviating his worry, but instead, your own one overwhelms you.

‘Tsukishima won’t let me help with his tapes again.’

You chew on your lower lip as you remember Shiro approaching you about it this morning. You were aware of it, but you didn’t want to deal with him so you let Kogane do it for you.

“I could’ve prevented it,” you repeat his words in a morose whisper with the sullen realization. You let your dalliance with him affect your job. And it resulted to this - an injury that will definitely not allow him to go back to the game.

You knew about Tsukishima’s stubbornness. You didn’t think that he’d act upon it in an actual game. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that if there’s anyone Tsukishima couldn’t stand, it’s you. You could’ve fixed his bandages and he would’ve been in the court right now, still playing. Not here confined in this small clinic with a jammed finger.

“Please come over here,” you hear the physician call but you don’t look. You just stand up and keep your head low as you walk behind Tsukishima towards the other room. You’re trying to settle your surly thoughts by convincing yourself that it’s not solely your fault.

Even so, you don’t know you'll be able to stomach it if Tsukishima gets any fractures because you disregarded him before the game started. With your stomach feeling like a bottomless pit, you sit and restlessly wait for the result of the X-ray.

When it comes out, you grip your pants and hope that it’s not worse than how it already is. “Looks like he’s okay. There will be a little swelling but it should be fine in a few days,” she announces, which makes you close your eyes and sigh a little from relief.

“But you have to rest it out for three weeks. I suggest you do strength training while waiting for this to fully heal.” Your eyes blink wide open, staring at her incredulously while she’s writing something on her notepad.

“Excuse me. Are you saying he can’t play for three weeks?” You feel the cold sweat on your palms and on your forehead as you clarify.

She puts her pen down then nods at you. “If it was just a sprain, he can play in as soon as three days. But a dislocated finger needs weeks. Three weeks is actually not that bad.” The physician purses her lips together as her demeanor changes from calm to strict. “Are you a coach or a manager?”

“Manager,” you answer as soon as the question is uttered.

“Then tell your Coach that if he plays without adequate rest, he’s likely to have it injured again. Please remember that your players are more important than your matches,” she reminds sternly.

That was not what you were implying! You don’t want to force Tsukishima to play if he needs the break. You would never push any player to train or take part in matches if they can’t. You only wanted to confirm.

Your lips are trembling from the physician’s silent accusation. Never have you ever forced your players to push themselves to the point of risking another injury.

“That’s not what she meant. Our coach and manager makes sure everyone is fit before they play,” Tsukishima remarks impartially, but you don’t miss the meaning behind it despite his lackluster tone. Still, it doesn’t not make you feel better because it does not change the fact that you had something to do with the reason why he won’t be able to play.

You’re not sure if she acknowledged Tsukishima’s statement but she nods. She puts the thin film in a brown envelope then attaches a pad on it before handing it out to Tsukishima. “Here’s the X-ray result with instructions on how and when to change the splint. When you can play again, I advise asking for help with your tapes. They got torn off because they were done loosely.”

You are yet to recover from her suggestive quip but she lets out another. She’s talking to Tsukishima but you feel like it’s directed at you - a raucous admonition of your insufferable fault. It renders you speechless, a simple polite bow as the only thanks you can give the physician before leading him out of the clinic.

After that consultation, Tsukishima deems it futile to think about the present game by now. He’s sure that by the time you two reach the court, the game would already be over. However, that doesn’t change that dithering urge to be there. He won’t deny it. He wants to be there at the last point - whether it’s a losing or a winning one.

But because of his foolishness, he got injured. He thought that Kogane would tell you that he didn’t allow his teammate to touch his tapes. He waited for you to approach him and do it yourself. You always do.

But as the game progresses, you’ve never looked his way. Once or twice your eyes have grazed him, but you’ve never really settled your sight on him. You were clearly avoiding him. He had to do something so that you’ll talk to him. He knew that the new manager would report to you if he refused the assistance. But it wasn’t you who went to help him. Kogane did, which he turned down. He thought that the setter would tell you.

He waited for you to go to him, but it didn’t happen. Every time he switched with their libero, he glanced at you. But your attention was either in your folder, on the game, or on Shiro

By the third set, he can feel the skin on his fingers scraping against the ball every time he goes up for a block. He figured that you’re really not talking to him. He waited for the rally to be over so he’ll be switched out again and he would’ve let whoever fix his bandages.

The rally did end because he successfully blocked the ball. It was also then when he felt the tearing of the tapes along with the intolerable disjointment of his finger. He felt the jolt of pain that traveled up to his arm. He was lucky to have landed with both feet.

That was when you came to him. He has been asking for it, but he did not want you to do so at that time. He did not want to get hurt and he absolutely did not want you to see him in pain. He felt incredibly stupid with how he acted, even until now.

What’s worse is that when you came to his aid and heard your sincere worry, it relieved him. He feels like a dog being thrown a bone at and there he was, nibbling on what’s left of it and savoring it. You still care about him, even if it’s just as one of the athletes you’re managing. He’ll take that over being ignored by you.

But as the both of you reached the clinic, he felt the weight of his childishness. He might have caused the team his game. He’s not the star player. He’s not one of the flashy athletes the crowd cheers for and he doesn’t desire to be.

Still, he knows his contribution to the team for this game. There are middle blockers on the bench that are ready to substitute him but he’s played the first two sets. He has grasped the dynamics and flow of the game. The game is neck in neck and an unstrategic substitution such as his can cost them the game.

And it’s all because he wanted you to notice him.

Never in this lifetime had he imagined himself acting in such a way. He hadn't even realized it until he was walking away from the court to go to the clinic.

This is precisely why he didn’t want to further get involved with you. He knew you’d cause this much ruckus in his brain, making him act like a fool. This is why he’d been so adamantly pushing you away.

He hates losing reason and with you, that’s what he inevitably does. Today is the absolute worst of them all, and it’s not because of his earlier idiocy. It’s because of the nagging thought at the back of his head that the idiocy he made wasn’t this morning’s but last night’s.

Even when you’re barely talking to him, he’s doing what he’s been wary of the most. He feels like he’s losing an integral part of himself which is sticking to his rationality.

It’s dragging, tiring, and now it’s beginning to seem pointless to him.

If he wanted you to talk to him, he could’ve just approached you himself. He shouldn’t have waited for you when he has done nothing but pushed you away relentlessly.

“Y.n.” He grabs your arm and faces you. You flick your gaze up, but when he meets your eyes, he knows right away that you’re not with him. Your features are glossed with turmoil that he can almost see the disquiet in your thoughts.

“What?” you respond lowly, obviously forced to attend to whatever it is he needs from you.

He lets go of your arm and looks ahead instead. It’s not the right time. The team is probably waiting for you two. And you’re most likely concerned about the outcome of the game.

“We should walk faster.” He continues walking, setting aside his desire to talk to you. You don’t respond but you do as he suggests and walks beside him.

The best he can do right now is hope that his team wins. Even though he still wants to play, the medic already told him that he can’t.

He needs to endure the repercussions of his impudence for the next three weeks.

“Are you okay?” Shiro asks you as you two are walking towards the bus.

You glance at her then smile a little. “Yeah. I’m just tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” You’ve lost count of the amount of times you’ve lied by answering that question from the past few days.

You’re getting used to it, telling people that you’re fine even when you’re not. Even now that you’ve hit the lowest of lows, you utter the answer casually as if it’s an automated response.

“It’s really unfortunate that Tsukishima got injured. But I’m so happy we won!” She grins buoyantly at you and for a split second, you see yourself in her. That’s how you were. You were so happy being with the team but right now, you’re only forcing yourself to smile and congratulate your players with their victory.

The team won and you should be ecstatic but you only feel lost.

The match was set in the early afternoon so it’s still pretty early. The sun is yet to set which is why Coach decided to treat everyone for a dinner celebration. However, your mind is already set to go home. You don’t feel like celebrating. You just want to lie on your bed and be alone.

As you and Shiro get on the bus, there are cheers and clamors from the whole team that resonate in the whole bus. It’s a vibrant atmosphere which makes you feel like a grim stain entering it.

It’s not right for you to bear such negativity when everyone’s joyous, so you spread your lips to form what little smile you have in you and clap for them. They deserve that much. Even Shiro joins them, giving everyone high fives and praising them. When she goes to Tsukishima, your hands stop as he glances at you.

His gaze lingers on you for a bit until he looks out the window. You thought he was going to ignore her again he but raises his uninjured hand to Shiro. She rejoices even more when he does.

A bittersweet smile forms in your lips as you witness it. She’s had difficulty with the blonde middle blocker ever since she was hired so it must be a momentous thing for Tsukishima to be accepting, in his own way, her attempt to interact with him.

“Y/n! Let’s take a team photo!” a beaming Kogane approaches you.

You get your phone then tell him obligingly, “Ask them to look over here then.” Kogane’s delight is plastered on his whole face as he turns around. “HEEYY!! GROUP PHOTO!”

Everyone gets into their happy places, some on the aisle while some are standing from their seats. A laugh spills out your lips when you see Kyoutani at the back of the bus, enthusiastically holding the banner of the Frogs up but his face looks like a mix of mad and happy.

You hold your phone up and are about to start counting when you hear Coach beside you. “Don’t you want to join?” You shift your gaze to her then back at the team who’s gleefully waiting for you to take the photo. The corners of your lips curl up in a wispy smile as you shake your head. “I’m fine taking it, Coach.” You open your camera and start your countdown.

Tsukishima keeps glancing at you from the other side of the table, which he should really stop doing because you’re seated between Coach and Shiro. He doesn’t know how perceptive the new manager is, but he’s certain that Coach will notice if he doesn’t stop now.

He doesn’t mind these dinner celebrations. They’re okay once in a while. But tonight’s dinner, he wants to end soon. It’s noisy and jovial, things he does not want to be around with, but that’s not the reason why he wants it to be over.

What’s making him impatient is because he wants to be with you alone. He’s not sure if it’s the presence of others that's causing his unease or that he’s admitting that he wants to talk to you.

First and foremost, he doesn’t have the slightest clue what he should say to you. Despite that, there’s that immense need to have a private conversation with you. He can feel that you’re withdrawing away and he’s finding out that it’s not doing him any good as he anticipated it to. It’s the exact opposite. It’s agitating him, keeping him on the edge of a very uncomfortable seat. “Tsukki! Why aren’t you eating?” Kogane elbows him, his teammate’s drink spilling on his shorts. He takes his gaze off of you and glares at Kogane. The setter immediately grins apologetically, backing off from him slowly.

Kogane is right though. He’s barely touched his meal He’s completely distracted by you even though you’re sparing him not even a crumb of attention. You’re talking to the new manager intently, a few giggles here and there that captures his unwarranted interest.

The patter among everyone is equally loud, maybe some of his teammates louder than most, but he never fails to catch your voice whenever you say something.

It’s taxing to say the least.

He knows he should be thinking about the next match. It’s in two weeks and he’s more than certain that he won’t be playing at all. It’s a very significant match for the team because if they win, the Sendai Frogs will be promoted to Division 1.

The team has never come this close and his head is not in the upcoming match because whatever he does, he won’t be able to play. There’s no changing that. He can only do what the medic suggested and do strength and endurance training so he doesn’t get out of shape.

It doesn’t diminish his urge to play, but he has to abide by the consequence of his own doing. As he thinks about his actions, his eyes find their way to you again. It's difficult to accept his incapacity to play at the next match, but he can do it. What he can’t accept is the way things are with you right now. He refuses to.

He’s well aware that he had been persistently keeping you away, but he doesn’t want to think that it cannot be undone. He’s still not sure what he wants from you, but this is not it.

He doesn’t want you scanning the whole room only for your eyes to skip him entirely as if he wasn’t there. It unsettles him that your previously infuriating jabs at him are now something he's craving to hear. It will still be as annoying but nevertheless, he wants to hear it from you again.

He realizes that after last night, you really are withdrawing this time. He can’t let you do that just yet. It’s utterly selfish of him after the treatment he gave you, but he just needs a little more time to figure this whole thing out. His own thoughts and feelings are in conflict with each other.

Logic says to leave things as they are. He did ask for this. In the long run, it will serve the two of you better. However, he already tried to do that. He still is even now and it’s done nothing but intensify a certain longing that he can no longer ignore but also cannot name yet.

He doesn’t have any right to ask you to wait as he untwists the knots of confusion in him, but he’ll ask. If you decide that you’re done with him already, then be it. But if somehow you still want the things he accused you of being delusional of, maybe you can give him a little time to sort things out.

What he’s only sure at this point is if he allows things to progress as they are, he will lose you completely despite seeing you everyday.

You suddenly stop talking with Coach and take your phone out. Your brows crinkle up as you say, “Excuse me. I have to take this.” You stand up and leave the table with your phone on your ear.

When you come back, you have one of your rehearsed smiles on with your eyes reflecting a glint of defeat. You sit down and turn to Coach. “Something urgent came up. I have to go.” You lower your voice but he still hears because his attention has been on you this whole time.

“Everything fine?” she asks, voicing out the same worry he has. You nod then sling your bag over your shoulder. “Sorry, Coach. I need to leave.”

“Alright then. Take care, y/n,” Coach bids even though she still looks both intrigued and concerned.

“You’re leaving already?” Shiro turns to you with a downcast look on her face. You smile ruefully at her then stand up to address the rest of the team. “Have to go now, guys!”

Even though his teammates have their own small groups, you instantly halt their own little conversations.

“So soon, Y/n?” the team libero asks.

You scrunch your nose playfully then wave as you disregard the question “Play nice, mkay? Bye.” You grin then head towards the door. He keeps his eyes on you, craning his neck to watch you exit the place.

He can’t stay still. He planned to talk to you after this dinner but you’re already leaving. Should he go after you? He can but that would raise suspicion among the whole team. As far as they know, he has no reason to follow you.

Aside from the issue at hand, he’s troubled with how you looked when you came back from the call you received.

He closes his eyes briefly to calm down so he can think straight. He lets out a steady breath then returns his gaze back to his teammates.

This is fine.

He’ll allow himself the next two days of waiting. He’ll see you again in the gym anyways. He’ll have his chance then. But for now, he won’t push it due to the outsiders of your relationship that are currently with him.

He moves his gaze back to the table where it should be and starts eating despite the uneasiness.

—

“Are you sure about this?”

Coach’s voice is the most fervent you’ve ever heard, but you’ve braced yourself for it so you bow again and face her astounded guise.

“Yes, Coach Mira.”

She blows out a sigh of disbelief then looks closely at the letter you handed her. The waiter arrives with the coffee you two ordered but she doesn’t pay them any attention and continues reading.

You nod and thank the waiter curtly as you wait for her to finish digesting your resignation letter. You stir your coffee and look at it instead of staring at Coach’s disbelief and disappointment.

It's a rest day today but you requested to meet with her because you did not want to do this with anyone else around, especially not the guys. You’ve never asked to meet with Coach privately on a non-training day, but for this one, you had to.

After yesterday’s match, you didn’t feel like yourself.

The team won but you didn’t really celebrate it. All you can think about is Tsukishima’s handicap. You know that it’s Tsukishima’s fault. He didn’t do his tapes well and he refused the help. However; you can’t push away the thought that if it was you who came to him, you wouldn’t take no for an answer and he wouldn’t have had his finger dislocated.

You let your personal feelings for him affect your job, causing the middle block unable to play for the most important game in the whole season - the promotion match in two weeks.

With everyone’s high spirits the other day, you were forced to keep up with it. You couldn’t let the uproar going on inside you show and dampen their spirited victory. It was up until you got a phone call from an unknown number that it all boiled over.

The Sciences department of Tohoku university called and asked if you’d be interested to be one of their student-teacher assistants. Apparently, they reach out to screened scholars from Biosciences courses around Sendai and invite them for the post.

‘We only call a selected few from the roster. Your profile really impressed us and we thought you’d be a good fit for our assistantship program.’

It was a disheartening call.

Everything they said on the phone sounded so good and so exciting. After graduation, you’ve been giving yourself some time and enjoying your managerial work while you still haven’t figured out what you really wanted. The offer the university is giving you can be your first step towards finding your path in life. It’s not permanent but you know that it’s a fantastic start.

You’re going to be assisting a professor in class and at the same time, further your studies under Environmental Sciences. It’s actually too good to be true. You study for free but get paid at the same time? It’s one hell of an offer and yet, the opportunity comes handed to you on a silver platter.

However, while the person on the other side of the phone was talking, you can hear the vibrant racket from the inside of the restaurant where the team is at.

It’s as if the Frogs are reminding you what you’ll miss if you leave.

But what’s the point of staying when you feel like your current job is becoming a looming burden? You can tell yourself that you can do better and not repeat your mistake this morning. But it would be a gamble. Prior to this morning’s little tragedy, you were so certain that you can separate your personal issues from your work responsibilities.

You were wrong. You don’t want to have to do anything with Tsukishima anymore, so you’d take any chance you get to avoid him. At the moment, you didn’t think that that tiny decision of ignoring his stubbornness would result in something as big as him being unable to play in the promotion match.

Who knows what you’ll cause next?

It’s a plaguing thought because no matter how conscious you are with your actions as a manager, you can feel your bitterness overwhelming your sensibility. It triggers a pungent taste in your mouth when you think of the possibility that you can mess up like this again.

You don’t want to hate what you’ve cherished for so long. Therefore, it would be best to leave with how things currently are. This way, you’d depart with mostly good memories of the team.

After the call, you could no longer bear the thought of messing up the way you did so you opted to leave.

You gave yourself a night to sleep it off, to think about it carefully. Maybe your decision would’ve changed this morning, but it didn’t. The new day came and it solidified your resolve even more.

You checked your email and found a message from Tohoku. They sent you a more extensive run down of the program they were offering over the phone. It’s even better in detail. You will be paid in your job and take your master’s degree for free as long as you maintain a 4.0 GPA.

Anyone would be intimated with the maintaining grade, but not you. You’ve been a scholar three years of your collegiate life that this is normal to you, exciting even.

It seems as if fate itself is telling you to leave by presenting you with this magnanimous option.

So you’ll take it.

Coach puts down your letter on the table then looks at you with a gaze she usually has when reproaching a player, but you hold it nonetheless. You hold a great respect for her, but you’re firm on your decision. Whatever she’ll say, you can take it.

“It’s Tsukishima, isn’t it?”

Your hands fidget on your lap as you look down with shame. You could take anything but that. You would’ve preferred if you left and no one knew, especially Coach.

It’s embarrassing and disgraceful enough that you’re going to resign when she just offered to promote you as the Assistant Coach. You were honestly looking forward to it before, but when things became a disaster with Tsukishima, it was impossible to take it.

Even if you did choose to stay, you won’t be able to accept the new job. With how things currently are, it doesn’t feel right.

“I thought I hid it well,” you mutter while keeping your head down.

You hear her take a deep breath then sip on her cup of coffee, more refined now compared to her earlier agitation.

“The past months, he no longer seemed pissed at you every time you came to him. He almost looked glad actually.”

You slowly flick your gaze back to Coach. “He did?”

She leans back a little and shrugs. “As pleased as Tsukishima can look. You know the boy. Mostly cold, only happy when sarcastic.”

A sour yet enamored laughter spills from your lips before you catch yourself. “Yeah. That, he is,” you agree with a small smile.

“Whenever you approach him at the gym, he looks happy even when you’re the snarky one.”

You look outside the cafe for a while, trying to remember if the guy in mention looked as Coach described when you were still unnecessarily spending time with him.

You can’t tell. He didn’t look any different to you.

“So what happened?”

You turn to her again, unsure how to answer such a loaded question. You don’t want to talk about it but you feel like you owe it to her. Your resignation was so sudden. You even told her you’d think about her offer as the assistant coach. Instead, you tell her out of nowhere that you want to quit.

“Is it that bad that you have to leave?” Her voice takes a concerned tone as she asks.

“It’s… Yeah. It’s that bad.” You want to say more but you don’t know how to begin from how embarrassing it is. You don’t even know if you can admit what happened in the last match.

“Let me ask something else. Will leaving solve it?”

Will it?

You and Tsukishima are beyond repair now. You don’t know how to go back to when he was just a pain-in-the-ass motherfucker who’s very amusing to annoy. He’s more than that already. He’s more than just a classmate but also not a friend. He’s more than a friend but also not a lover.

It’s never been clear what you two are but if you’re certain with something, it’s that he’s someone you’ve fallen in love with. And despite everything, you still do. That’s why it’s becoming unbearable to be in the same workplace as he is. That’s why you had a grave lapse of judgment yesterday.

“I think it will,” you softly admit.

She nods slowly, folding your resignation letter before putting it in her pocket. “Won’t you say goodbye to the team at least?”

You clasp your hands together and sit up straight as you shake your head with a desolate smile.

The right thing to do would be to wait until after the promotion match. That way, you can leave in peace because you’ll have to wrap up your job as a manager and bid everyone a proper goodbye.

However, you won’t.

It’s selfish of you but you want to take not even a single step inside the gym anymore. When you made your decision to quit this morning, you’ve already harshly detached yourself from the Sendai Frogs. You can’t stay in the gym, knowing that you’ll have to go in a week’s time if you decide to wait for the results of the promotion game.

It’s easier to just disappear like this. You can’t face the team and say a sudden goodbye knowing you did it purely out of self-interest.

It’s unfortunate that you have to go, but you won’t ever forget the experience. Being a manager of the Frog is something you did out of passion for the sport. Along the way, you cared for the team more than you anticipated you would.

“Good luck with the match, Coach,” you say lightheartedly even though what you feel is the contrary.

He wanted to come in early for training today but his working hours no longer allowed him to go at mid afternoon like he used to. You used to arrive earlier than most, but recently, you’ve been coming in when everyone is already there. Still, he wanted to take the chance that he’ll find you in the gym alone, which didn’t work out for him because he arrives way later than usual.

As he goes into the gym, he scans the place to look for you. Most of the members are already there, the new manager and Coach present as well. However, he can’t find you. Even your gym bag is still not where you usually place it.

He looks at the clock. It’s already past seven and you’re still not around.

Why are you this late? You don’t have anything to do during the day, to his knowledge at least. He hasn’t heard anything about you since that confrontational night in his room. He sees you every practice but he knows nothing about you since then.

How are you doing now? Are you still looking for an apartment because you’re so picky? Do you still treat coffee like water? Are you taking care of yourself better now that you’re not juggling working while studying?

He brushes off the worry that’s unpleasantly blooming in him. You’re probably just occupied with something. There’s no need to be so alarmed.

He changes to his training clothes and approaches Coach for instructions. He can’t practice like everyone else and it’s his first time being prohibited from playing so he’s not sure how to proceed.

“Tsukishima.” Coach looks at him intently and he doesn’t know if he's imagining it, but she seems to be displeased with him.

He averts his eyes briefly because of her weighty gaze but he returns them back as he speaks. “I don’t know how I should train, Coach.”

Mira’s muted disdain for the boy fizzles down. She doesn’t know what exactly happened between the blocker and you but she can’t help but place her disappointment on the present party which is Tsukishima. He just cost her the team’s most trusted and efficient manager.

However, she is the team’s Coach. She can’t focus on the current losses of the team - you and Tsukishima’s capability to play in the promotion game. Besides, she’s not in any position to take sides because she doesn't know what exactly happened. Even if she doesn know, she’s the Coach. She can’t dwell on the members’ personal issues if they don’t want to divulge in the first place.

What she can do is focus on what she can do to remedy the current predicament at hand - Tsukishima’s injury. Even though the situation is problematic, it’s good that Tsukishima went to her on his own. That means he’s looking ahead and moving forward. Instead of sulking over the fact that he won’t be able to play, he looks for what he can do best at present. She respects that.

“Since you’re here, do laps around the gym for thirty minutes. Then…” she looks at Shiro. Can the girl keep up with Tsukishima if she asked the new manager to supervise his endurance training? If you were here, it’d fall on you automatically and she wouldn’t have to mull about it at all.

Shiro is okay, but she’s not you. The new manager is not an athlete like you once were. Most importantly, she is still scared of the boy.

She looks at the court to find Tsukishima’s replacement for the next game. “Join them with the blocking drills. Teach Itsuki on the timing. Jump with him when he does but don’t use your arms.” He turns to the court as she instructs it.

“Go here only twice a week. You’ll train with Itsuki. He’s your sub after all. He can learn from you while you still can’t play. We’ll also work on your hitting lines.” He’s a blocker but he needs to be able to aim decently. In a way, it’s fortunate that it’s his left hand that’s incapacitated. Even though he can’t serve, he can still spike with his right.

“Twice a week, do strength training for your legs as well. Questions?”

He remains still but he looks like he’s uncomfortable about something. “What is it?”

He’s about to say something but pauses before he speaks. She raises a brow, waiting for what the concern is.

“Nothing. I’ll start on my laps now. Thanks, Coach,” he bows shortly then turns around.

Tsukishima takes a deep breath before starting his laps. He almost asked Coach where you are but managed to stop himself. There’s no need to ask. You’ll arrive soon. You’re not the type to miss training. Unless…

He lets out a low grunt as he jogs. The last time you were absent was when he found you extremely sick.

He picks up his pace to brush away his drab thoughts. You’re fine. You’re no longer swamped with a lot of responsibilities so you’re not likely to get sick from stress. You’ll come in soon like you always do.

He counts on today’s practice with the other blocker to fill his thoughts so he’s not concerned needlessly on your whereabouts. Fortunately, it effectively distracts him because Itsuki is more of an offside blocker than a middle. His teammate will be replacing him so it’s necessary to learn how to initiate the block rather than following up like Itsuki usually does.

The remaining hours of training is not enough to cover for it. Two hours flies by without him noticing. He only realizes it because of Coach’s distinct claps that signal the end of the night. He instantly remembers you and looks around to spot where you are.

Still, you’re not there.

His worry comes back doubled. He’s only glad that practice is already over so he can contact you already. As he’s heading for the lockers, Coach calls for everyone to gather for a team meeting.

Damn it. There’s nothing more he wants than to get out of there and confirm that you’re okay. Nevertheless, he keeps himself in check and trudges his way to the side of the court where meetings are usually held. As soon as he takes a seat, uneasiness swamps him. If he could, he’d be tapping his feet from restlessness but Coach would surely notice and single him out.

He tries to pay utmost attention to what Coach is saying but his mind keeps drifting back to you. Can this meeting just end?

“Lastly..”

Finally, one last thing and he can rush to the lockers to get his phone and send you a text. Or maybe he’ll just call you right away.

“Y/n resigned as the team’s manager as of today.”

Immediate murmurs follow after her announcement, but Tsukishima already knows this. You’re going to be promoted as the Assistant Coach. However, he finds it strange that she’s announcing it when you’re absent. You should be here for it so everyone can applaud you for getting that role. You work hard not because you want to be promoted but solely because of your fondness for the team, making you even more deserving of it.

So where are you?

“She couldn’t say goodbye for personal reasons, but she wishes us the best of luck for the upcoming game.”

His brows furrow deeply that he feels the crease on his skin. What is Coach talking about? She makes it seem like you left.

That’s not possible.

No. You didn’t. You can’t. You said you were going to accept the role and stay a little longer. She couldn’t possibly mean that you resigned from working for the team.

His worry is becoming unmanageable. If he had his phone right now, he would’ve been texting you nonstop asking where the hell you are and what is it with Coach’s announcement. He’d get chewed out but he doesn’t care. He needs to know what’s exactly happening for he refuses to believe that you actually quit. To his demise, his hands are free and restless because his phone is in his bag at the locker room.

“I hope the lot of you doesn’t give Shiro a hard time. She’s fairly new so help her out too, alright?”

It’s supposed to cheer everyone and encourage everyone, but the response is as he expected - glum. The usual ‘Yes, Coach’ is unmotivated and lifeless. Even the new manager who’s standing in front of everyone looks equally dejected.

How could anyone not feel as such? You had that irrepressible zeal that infects everyone around you. You looked out for everyone and supported that team with a certain affection that made everyone feel at ease when you’re around.

He suddenly sits up straight when he realizes the reason why no one tried to pursue a romantic relationship with you. It’s not because you prohibited them. It’s because everyone reveres you too much to even attempt it.

He couldn’t see the whole picture before because of his shallow contempt for you, but now it's clear. Everyone adores you and he’s late to the party.

“That’s all. Be back here on Wednesday. Goodnight.”

He’s the first to stand up when Coach closes the meeting. Others did not move from where they’re seated, talking amongst themselves on why you suddenly resigned. As for him, he doesn’t have time to dawdle around. They can talk and wonder, but not him.

If you’re not coming back here, he’s going to look for you right now.

Part 11 || Part 13 || masterlist

[additional note] HAPPY BIRTHDAY TSUKKI!!

taglist (those crossed out can’t be tagged)

@ameliaxo @suikrem @akaashisslave @tsumurai @loving-unicorns106 @flairlust @geektastic84 @anaiss97 @berna-dette @just4readingfics @suteorra @xxekitten69xx @simp4tsukkii @music-is-all-i-need @keshinslittlegirl @raspberrysunshinebby @iminlovewhaikyuu @pdiddy11 @lightyagamami @sailorscout1902 @lovershaikyuu @expectonothinfromme @finnydraws @namelessidentity @hqbeesun @yatoatyourservice @mrkozume @suzuyamitsuki @celestialarchiveshq @yongboxerrr @gomenpudding @kutiekoge @fizzfrick @flamingosis @korean-bbq @ihaterainbowsprinkles @red-lint @backtonormalthings @borpcorp @lonelyheartxn @venomouscreatures @lucyrocks86 @shawtiie @honestlysora @sunanyaa @my-dream-universe @mysteriousparker @kaieoh @softpeachysoul @millenialfanfictionaddiction @5sausefandom @jeanbabygirl @just4readingfics @sabrinakishi @joyhdh

#tsukishima angst #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima smut #tsukishima series #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu series

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smokahuntis · 3 years

Text

Weightless

Nothing Personal

Pairing: Javier peña x reader

Warnings: set last name, cursing, mentions of sex and death. Masterbation, night mares.

Summery: he embassy calls in a new agent to assist agents Peña and Murphy

Authors note: I’m back and I’m going to try and start a series! Based on the album Nothing Personal by All Time Low. This would be chapter one.

Word count: 3.4K

Manage me, I’m a mess

“Agent (y/n) Carter” the ambassador said as she gave them the files “she will be joining, this is everything you need to know in her and she will be here later today.

Javier nodded as he picked up the file “of course, madam ambassador” he stood with a crooked grin and looked her over “and may I say, you look amazing in pink” he said softly and kindly. Steve just rolled his eyes and walked towards the door.

“Keep dreaming Peña” she shook her head and let them leave to review the file.

Turn a page, I’m a book half unread

“Agent Carter ” Javier handed Steve the file. “ ‘DEA’s finest’” he mocked and lit up his cigarette as he set back. Letting the smoke fill his lungs as he took a long drag of his Colombian cigarette. He watched Steve waiting for his opinion.

Steve only chuckled and set the papers down “I went to academy with her...” he said, javiers eyes lit up before he shook his head

“I didn’t mean-“

“We aren’t friends it okay” Steve chuckled.

I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because

“Oh- okay... okay...” pena leaned back again as the smoke clouded the humid air around them.

“She was always an overachiever, no one really liked her in my class” he chuckled and put the file away. “Way to smart to be choosing dea, but there she was. Didnt talk to anyone, didn’t let anyone talk to her.” He shrugged “I’d be surprised if she talked to us”

I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

“So beware shes a bitch?” Javier chuckled and put his cigarette out

“Yep” Steve got up and grabbed his empty coffee cup. “Want a coffee?”

“Not from here...” he shook his head and got up.

“You know back home I always chose Colombian brew coffee, and now I’m in colombia and I don’t see why I thought it was good” Steve chuckled as they walked together to get a drink at the coffee place across the street.

“I’ve spend out money on more valuable things then coffee machines that aren’t from the 60s and beans that aren’t 2 years old” Javier joked and shook his head as they strutted the halls. They were such a duo, splitting them into a trio is a sin, but they’d have to get used to it.

Well I’m stuck in this fucking rut

Meanwhile back in LAX (y/n)’s brother tried to convince her it wasn’t worth it. “Colombia is dangerous right now, you could get killed- or- or worse!” Thomas said following her.

“What’s worse then dying?” She watched him with a bit of a cocky grin.

“You could end up like- like Kiki” he said without thinking before she grabbed her brothers collar roughly.

“You don’t say a damn word about Kiki... plus” she let him go and wiped her Dainty hand on her white button up. “After what the US did to the Sinaloa I think I’m safe from that” she sighed and kept walking.

“(Y/n) listen- please... I can’t loose my sister, not to- Pablo Escobar” he grabbed her hand. She turned and looked at him with upset eyes. “You’re all I have left...” he whispered

Waiting on a second-Hand pick-me-up

It was true, she was all he had left, dad was away over seas and mom was gone. Their oldest brother died years ago, it was just her and Thomas. But they were both adults now, she could do what she wanted, and she had been. But now she was a little worried for Thomas.

“I’ll call, and I’ll visit when I can, just go home Thomas... I’ll be okay” she said looking at him, before the warning for her flight went off, 10 minutes now. “I love you, I have to go” she hugged her younger brother before she left.

I’m getting over getting older

(Y/n) looked over her files on the plane, she knew it was a matter of time before escobar knew who she was so she didn’t hide it. She didn’t care, she knew he was almost untouchable. Almost.

(Y/n) had been all over for the DEA, her most frequented place however was Mexico. She worked in Mexico for a long time, she was young and stupid and she kinda thought it was the DEA’s way of getting rid of waste, expecting her to die at the hands of the Sinaloa. However she returned very much alive, and very much tearing open at the seems. She still has nightmares of her time there, but she didn’t care, she had to keep going, for him.

If I could just find the time

Javier set up the stuff in the meeting room before he made his way home for the night. His little two bit apartment given to him by the Embassy. It was nice, he knew that, but it always felt cold and empty, that’s why he filled it with girls, smoke, alcohol smells. It was like a fucking bar. He tried to not bring work home with him but he couldn’t help it most nights, things either bothered him to much or had to be done sooner then later. Some days he wanted to feel weightless, and those days he could escape the heavy burden of people lives depending on him. The ones he couldn’t save, or the ones he’s trying to save. He was trying so hard, but he couldn’t escape.

He needed air, that’s what it was. Right now when he felt his chest collapse on him, he needed aid, real air. So he was quick to make his way out the door and to the front steps of the apartment building, he almost didn’t see her. The (h/c) girl standing there at the steps with her bags. He almost took her out, but he stopped in time.

“I’m- im sorry uh- can I help you?” He asked clearing his throat as he looked at her. She pulled her hood off and looked up at him holding her bags close to her

Then I would never let another day go by

“This is the embassy apartments right?” She asked with a soft shivering smile. He was quick to answer, maybe to quick.

“Yea! Yea this is- this is them yea... you’re-“ he started but she cut him off.

“(Y/n) Carter, yes- hi- um- sorry I didn’t mean to cut you off I’m just tired and cold and really want to get inside. He nodded understanding, completely forgotting why he came out here as he looked into her eyes, illuminated by the yellow street lights behind him.

“I’ll show you to your apartment” he smiled and took her in, she was just across the hall from him. Her apartment identical in most ways, however her kitchen was bigger and so was her bathroom.

I’m over getting old

“Thank you, you must be Agent Peña” she smiled as he got the key from the leafy palm in the corner, unlocking her door for her.

“That I am” he smiled and helped with her bags. If he was going to be stuck with her he wanted to be nice. He didn’t want another agent, him and Steve were doing just on their own, but the embasssy expected things to be done instantly, but they are putting to many cooks in the kitchen.

“Thank you for helping, you didn’t need to” she smiled and set her bags down on the bed and looked at him.

“Of course” he smiled and set her things down with the rest. “So, we’re you invited or did you request to be transferred”

Maybe it’s not my weekend

(Y/n) looked at him and pushed hair behind her ears and shook her head. “I requested it actually, I requested it months ago really but-“

“Why would you want to be here? You know what’s happening-“

“That’s exactly why I want to be here” she stood straighter and looked at him. “You need all the help you can get it seems- and I understand if you don’t want me here because I’m a women”

“No! No no- no that isn’t it I promise” he said feeling a bit of his earlier panic come back, but it was only a little. “I don’t care you’re a women I’ve seen your file you’ve done amazing things but we were doing just fine without you...” Javier said looking at her, his hand up in defense.

“Then why did the embassy want me here ASAP?” She asked crossing her arms.

“Because they think we are stupid or something... they expect things done instantly and it’s impossible.” He explained. She nodded and sighed

“I understand that feeling. But I’m here to help... I promise” she looked at him as the moon light filtered threw her window

But it’s gonna be my year

He nodded and sighed “I’ll just let you get some sleep, I’ll see you at the office” he walked out of her room, giving her one last look as he smiled “goodnight Agent Carter” he walked out to his apartment again.

(Y/n) sighed and unpacked all she could tonight and took a few melatonin and went to sleep, trying to get on the schedule.

It wasn’t hard for her to get up in the morning, making her own coffee and getting ready early. She wanted to be there before them so she could go over things and get caught up. So getting ready quickly she tied her hair up in a tight ponytail and made her way to the office. She was always on time or early, wanting to get ahead of things or finish work so she didn’t have to bring things home.

I’m so sick of watching all the minutes pass as I go nowhere

Javier however, couldnt manage to get himself out of sleep. Stuck in a long nightmare that has his body aching and sweating to wake up but he was stuck there, in that spot in the sticky cotton sheets. He tossed and turned but al he could see was the blood, every scene he’d been to, it took a toll on him. He couldn’t help it anymore, couldn’t hold them back, couldn’t stay up and drink a shit ton of coffee and just keep going.

He was hurting himself even more trying to ignore it. He was lost in a sea of sound, until finally he woke up, alone and covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

“Fuck....” he shook his head and got out of bed, throwing his things in the wash before he got in the shower. He felt so exhausted from sleeping, that’s not right. He hated this constant feeling, it was so much. He couldn’t even escape at home. Seemed the only time he felt fine was when he was baring himself inside a women of the night and telling her how perfect she was, only to wake up alone and try to relive that moment in the shower by himself.

This is my reaction to everything I fear

It was no secret, Javier Peña was a ladies man. To get in the head of the cartel he slept with the same women as the cartel, did it work? Yes occasionally. But it wasn’t that anymore, it wasn’t just work, it was a form of escape now. Was he a sex addict? Yes, most definitely. Did he care? No, because it was release in more ways then one and that’s all he wanted.

He did have a talent tho, remembering every name, every face. Every women. He was a talented man. But right now that didn’t matter, what mattered to him in this moment was making himself feel weightless as hot water ran down his body. He was alone last night, after showing (y/n) her apartment he went home and to bed. So he had nothing to relieve, no face to see when he closed his eyes. Oh... how he was wrong.

Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here

There she was, the beauty he met last night. (Y/n) carter. Why was she what he thought about right now? He just met her. She was his partner and he’d only see her face and hands, that’s not even enough for a weirdo to get off. But it was enough for him to wrap his hand around his throbbing cock and leaning his head back as he stroked himself.

His chest heaving and his eyes rolling back as he pumped his fat cock in his hand. Soft grunts escaped his mouth before the words left it “(y/n)... fuck...” he groaned.

He didn’t even know the girl and he was getting off in his shower to her.

This could be all that I’ve waited for

He didn’t know why he felt like this, but in his mind he had her on her knees, her lips wrapped around his tip as she took him down her little throat, just that image made him let out a loud moan. Soon his balls tightened and he was coming all over her face, and down the drain.

He shook his head as he opened his eyes and looked at the mess he made. Causing him to sigh heavily and clean up before he got dressed and ready, trying to get the idea out of his head. It was his first day with her, and he wanted to fuck her. Wow.

This could be everything I don’t wanna dream anymore

When he got there she was already liking over things, remembering faces and writing in her notebook. She looked peaceful there, just staring at a cork-board of killers and drug lords. He could tell quickly this is her environment.

“Hey” he said setting down his coffee and taking off his brown leather jacket. She turned with an other bright smiled and looked at him, her smile lit of the room and made his chest feel tight, but not like his panic the night before, this was warm and different.

“Hey” she said in her silk tone as she set her note book down. “ I hope you don’t mind I’m taking my own notes.”

“Not at all, whatever makes you comfortable” he smiled at her softly. At that moment Steve walked in with his own coffee and pen. He was way to quick to notice the look in javiers eyes, the interest he had in her.

“Thanks” she smiled before looking at Steve “Steve Murphy, wow... hi” she smiled and shook his hand.

“Hey Carter, it’s been awhile” he chuckled and shook her hand

“It’s been more then awhile” she smiled and looked up at him

Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year.

“Well it’s good to know we have a good agent on our team” he smiled. “So what are you working on”

“Just taking my own notes so I can memorize things faster and get caught up” she smiled at them.

“Oh did you color coat them too?” He asked a little to condescending. She sighed and caught on quickly but went on.

“No I did not. I’m not a preppy teenager.” She stated simply before walking back to take notes.

“While you do that we are going to go do real things okay?” He grabbed his coffe and walked out with Javier. (Y/n) was pretty used to sexist comments or people thinking she couldn’t do things so she brushed it off, however Javier didn’t.

I’m going crazy, I’m stuck in here

“What the hell was that?!” Javjer looked at Steve and closed the door as they got into their little office.

“What was what?” Steve asked and set his things down.

“You being an asshole to her, what did she do to you?” Javier said taking up for her.

“I don’t know Javier what’s up with you? Staring at her like you’re guess engagement ring sizes!” Steve argued, they argued way to often. Like a married couple really.

“I was not!” Javier scoffed “I can’t be nice to my new coworker?”

“Just yesterday you were dreading her! And now you have heart eyes all over her” Steve said

Maybe it’s not my weekend but it’s gonna be my year

“I don’t have heart eyes, I’m just looking at her, damn” he sat down and opened his earliest files and started work.

“I’m sure” Steve shook his head before starting to work.

Soon (y/n) made her way to the office and walked in and almost fell over with a heart attack “my god, how do you work in such mess” she asked looking around.

“Mess? I think it’s pretty clean” Steve said looking around

“The only clean place here is my desk and it’s still covered in papers. “ she looked at him and set her things down.

“ okay I’ll admit, it’s a bit messy, but we know whether everything is” he leaned back. Just as he said that, Peña who wasn’t paying attention spoke up.

“I can’t find that file from yesterday” he sighed, giving (y/n) the perfect example.

“See!” She looked at Steve.

“Okay fine, we could organize...” he sighed.

I’m so sick of watching am three minutes pass as I go nowhere

After hours of cleaning the office was organized and they found things much easier, so much quicker and efficient. So much so that Javier could ask

“Okay now I need the First Medellin file” he said softly and it was quickly put on his desk.

“See that’s not bad...” (y/n) smiled softly and looked between them.

“But we just wasted so much time doing that” Steve said

“But we are going to save so much more now that it’s organized” she crossed her arms. She was right, organizing the office was the best decision they’d made all year, it helped get things done faster and cleared their minds.

And this is my reaction to everything I fear.

It was a small thing, to organize the office, but when Javier got home he decided to clean the apartment too, washing the bed sheets and making everything up after. Cooking a meal instead of ordering. Just have a day of cleaning up and doing normal people things, it made him sleep better already. The nightmares had calmed down and everything was fine. He was peaceful for a moment, a minute, a few seconds. And then there it was, the scream that made (y/n) drop everything and go to his apartment, he left the door unlocked so it was easy for her to get in and get to his bed side instantly.

“Javier!” She said grabbing his shoulders and shaking him awake. He was starting to sweat again, just as she grabbed him, her touch alone calmed down the terror of his mind, causing him to wake.

“(Y/n)...” he whispered tiredly as he looked at her, she was in a robe, her hair wrapped loosely in a towel.

“Hey buddy” she smiled softly, trying to comfort him in anyway. She didn’t know anything about him but she wanted to try her best to make him feel better, to make him feel weightless.

“What are you doing here...” he asked laying back. She pushed his hair out of his face and massaged his scalp softly as she spoke.

“You screamed and I came as soon as I could... I thought something happened” she answered and watched him, he was gorgeous here, with the moon light covering his glistening chest, highlighting his face and messy hair.

“I’m sorry- I- I didn’t mean too” he said as he sighed.

“It’s okay... I understand... I used to do the same thing after Mexico” she admitted. They barely knew a damn thing but they both felt comfortable with each other.

“How did you get it to stop...” he asked

“Well I did go to therapy but it never seemed to help, so I did what I did as a kid, I get something to read and read till I can’t keep my eyes open, it makes your mind think on the topics of the book rather then the other mess...” she whispered and pulled his covers back over him. He nodded and smiled “I could read to you tonight if you want...”

“You don’t have to do that”

“I don’t mind... get comfy I’ll find something...” she smiled and went to get a book. His eyes trailed her long legs as she walked out to get a book, why did he feel so open and comfortable with her, he just met her.

Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste a minute here

Taglist: @thinemineours @morgannope @thisis-theway @onabouteverything @blxwjobsforclones @a-dorin @everythinggeeky

This will be a series I hope, so if you want to be tagged in this or more Javier peña stuff please let me know!

#javier peña #Javier peña #Pedro pascal #Javier peña x reader #Javier peña smut #Steve Murphy #narcos #narcos smut #narcos series #Javier peña series #nothing Personal serious

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