#not to mention other headmates that don't hold body memories but still having similar exomemories also being fucked up by guilt
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really fucks me up how much i've been told that visibly showing symptoms of depression is inherently abusive
#cw abuse#cw suicide#cw self harm#currently we don't struggle with depression as much as we did in the past#we're at a point now where it wouldn't be a danger to us really at all#but i remember how much in high school i would refuse to tell people how i felt and what i wanted to do#because i was legitimately told repeatedly that telling someone else that you wanted to commit suicide was abusive#or that harming yourself was inherently abusive to those around you#not just in terms of things like 'if you don't do X i will harm myself' which can definitely be abuse#but just. overall. in general. for any reason.#which didn't make me want to STOP hurting myself. it did the fucking opposite#it made me isolate myself just to do that which in turn only fucked me up more#and it made me feel like i *should* get rid of myself because then that'd guarantee i wouldn't hurt people more#and even now i still feel like. crippling guilt over the fact that i ever even did those things in the first place#not to mention other headmates that don't hold body memories but still having similar exomemories also being fucked up by guilt#when literally we were not in full control of our thoughts or actions we were fucking mentally ill#our circumstances were horrible and people were hurting us simply because we expressed the fact that we were hurt in the first place#we were literally treated like telling someone 'hey i think i might harm myself can you help me to not do that' was abuse#and of course the shitty ex that i was with at the time decided to make it worse in her own fun ways too#so like everyone i asked for help just made it worse so i never ended up getting help until my mental health fully and absolutely collapsed#simply because. i was told. that my own mental illness hurt other people more than me#because their annoyance at me being sad was a higher priority than. you know. such overwhelming despair that i didnt want to live.
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