I’m So Mad

The pressure to go to a gynecologist continues. I’m four years past the recommended age, but again, I see no reason to go. I’m a virgin in every sense of the word, I’m having regular periods which have changed only slightly. It’s true that my mom had endometrial cancer, but she had risk factors: age, weight, the fact that she’s not a virgin like me. And the doctors who treated her said it was non hereditary!!!

I understand she’s nervous for her health still, because even though she’s luckily cancer free, she still has to go for checks every three months. But she shouldn’t be pushing it on me. My therapist shouldn’t be pushing it on me. I signed a wavier with my doctor saying I don’t plan on seeing a gyno and that’s how it’s going to stay. My doctor isn’t pressuring me after I made the decision.

In fact, I recently watched a couple demonstration videos about how they do pelvic exams and Pap smears, and they put the speculum way deeper than I thought. I cringed so much. I thought a Pap smear would at least be a little bit better than a pelvic exam but now that I see how deep the speculum goes, they’re both equally bad in my opinion. So that’s a no go.

I really don’t understand how everyone thinks I’m crazy. I’ve never had anything inside me. Not a tampon, not even my own fingers. And I sure as fucking hell don’t want a cold metal thing or someone else’s fingers inside me. I mean the only thing separating the pelvic exam finger thing from being sexual is the setting and the gloves (and the intention).

I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m crazy for my personal opinion on this. Everyone has an opinion. You want to go to a gyno, go ahead. But don’t try to convince me to go. I don’t want to feel violated like that.

I’m not sorry for my decision. My body my choice. Be upset about it, I don’t fucking care

This post is a bit of a rant, but oh well, I’m posting it anyways.

As an aromantic, asexual teenager, I hate telling adults that I’m aroace. This is because every single time I have, they always clearly seem to think that they don’t believe me. As if they know that I just need to grow up and then I’ll realise how wrong I am. As if they know me better than I do. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

I know that identities are always changing and that people are always growing, but this is who I am now. I will not centre my identity around who I might become in the future. No one knows if I will change. And I don’t need to change, I just need to be accepted.

On a more happy note, there is this place in my hometown that hosts both a youth club and a queer cafe (which is really just a meeting place for queer people), and both the adults there and my fellow teenagers are very understanding, so I have people that accept me.

going to the psychiatrist rn bc my father is sending me there 🔥🔥🔥 not bc he thought i needed it but bc my grades fell and i am no longer the school's top student and instead, the third

i am going mad if i get misdiagnosed or something

My friend is bullying me because she asked me to write something down for her, she noticed my calligraphy and it's using the tiktok trend of "oh fancy pants rich mcgee" after she asked me to repeat how I do a capital letter H.

ITS NOT MY FAULT I HAD CALLIGRAPHY AS AN OBLIGATORY SUBJECT AT SCHOOL

Unpopular opinion but the reason being a teenager sucks is less to do with hormones and social cliques and more to do with the fact adults fucking hate teenagers. The fact that adults expect teenagers to be able to take on adult responsibilities yet don't deserve rights of an adult. They don't see teenagers as human beings and they aren't prepared to see kids with their own formed identities and humanity. Teenagers are so sexualized and seen as needing to take on more and more adult responsibilities. Yet when they want rights and humanity they are denied. The years your brain spends wanting nothing more than to form an identity are being taken away from you. Teenagers are essentially being kicked out of social spaces unless they have an extra 40 dollars lying around anytime they want to go out. Teenagers being kicked out of the mall just for existing or groomed into the school to prison pipeline. And now creating legislation to keep them off the Internet. Our society hates teenagers. And does everything we can to hurt them. The fact that anyone makes it out of their teenage years without trauma is a fucking miracle frankly.

Sorry I'm not low empathy autistic in the "mysterious loner boy who secretly cares about his friends and talks in a monotone voice" way and I'm actually just completely indifferent to the suffering of people I don't know personally and help strangers out of a sense of "this is the right thing to do" and not "I feel so bad for this person" or guilt.

I sit and listen to my friends even though I don't really care about hearing about their problems because I know they'll be upset if I don't, and despite the fact I honestly can't genuinely care about the issue itself, I care about the impact it's having on my friends and that's enough to make me want to help them through it.

Did you know that's actually an expression of empathy all of its own?

It will absolutely happen again I literally am not even sorry

" b..but their proportions are..off " SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! THEY ARE LEARNING!!! THEY ARE PEOPLE!!! NOT EVERYTHING THEY DO IS GONNA BE PERFECT!! THEY DESERVE TO SHARE THEIR ART AND RECEIVE AS MUCH AS LOVE AS A BIG, " PERFECT " ARTIST!!! KEEP POSTING YOUR ART!!! MAKE THE CRITICS ANGRY!!! THEY ARE JUST PATHETIC CREATURES!! TRYING TO EATTT AWAY AT YOUR CONFIDENCE TO GROW!!! I'M GONNA TEAR MULTIPLE TREES OUT OF THE GROUND RIGHT NOW !! LISTEN TO ME, YOUR ART MAY NOT BE WHERE YOU WANT IT TO BE, BUT QUITING WON'T IMPROVE IT! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOUR ART, AND CRITICS ARE LITTLE THINGS THAT LIVE IN LIGHTSWITCHES!!

You gyns ever think about how so many men who hate women will straight up admit that their hatred for women originates from some negative experience they had with a girl in like middle school and just lose your mind a bit because you realize that if women generalized how they view/treat men in the same way that men generalize their views/treatment of women there literally wouldn’t be a single woman alive that didn’t posses an intense hatred of men and act accordingly, or is it just me?

This Is A Gay Asian Rant About BL Comments Made By Some Queer Westerners I See Sometimes.

So you know of those gays (usually white) that made dumb tiktok dancing to list of countries that legalized same sex marriage and list of countries that discriminate against LGBTQIA+ poeple as a way to say something racist. yeah i kinda got the same vibes from some comments regard how asian BL is homophobic just cause they don't live up to queer western standard. look, i'm not saying that some BLs and their creators don't deserve criticism regard how they capitalized/exploited queerness for an easy cash grab.

But people need to understand that Asian countries despite recent progress are still very much culturally conservatives. so when people says that thai bl is homophobic and all the characters looks like bunch of straight guys, which is true for some olders thai BLs i'm not gonna denied that. but after all this time and newer BLs generally being very queer and most of creators being out queer themself and poeple still making these comments, i'm annoyed.

And don't get me start on the actors. you don't know them! why are you making assumption and calling them queerbaiter just cause they acts in bl. like maybe they're straight, maybe they're not but what they're definitely doing is making queer content for you know, queer people here. so when you made halfass comments about their sexuality what do you think that made other queer people who still in the closet feels. and when you add the nationality to that, "these thai bl pair are this and that, this korean actor is so ungrateful for his bl past", etc. when our societies are still very much still in progress regard LGBTQIA+ acceptance. it make us living here feels fucking awful like somehow we're lesser queer than people in the west just cause we don't have citibank at pride or some shit.

And the shittiest in my humbled opinion are comments regard censored chinese bls. people do know like, that the creators making these bls are risking their livelihoods for this. that these shows getting make at all are miracles. yes it sucked that they're censored but they're still very much queer shows making by queer people who want to express thier queerness despite the chinese government being the chinese government. when people dimissing these shows as not belonging in queer media, you're also dimissing their creators and audiences as not belonging in the community.

Look what i want to say is that we're trying our best over here, and maybe our best are not up to your liking. the ways we talk and express our queerness maybe still can be perceived as problematic by western queer standard. but these media are our house and you're the guests. for people aren't shitty we appreciated that you're here engaging and loving our media, this is your home too and you're welcome in it. i can speak for myself that i very much love being here on tumblr and interacting with people from all over the world who love BL. but for people who are being shitty sometimes about asian bl.

YOU'RE THE GUESTS, BEHAVE!

never had a boyfriend

never had a first kiss

never been asked out

never asked someone out

never had a roaster

never been on a date

chat am i cooked?

Sincerely, STFU

I KNOW IT'S TOXIC.BUT, MY LOVE, THE TOXICITY I FUCKING ENDURED SHOULD HAVE MADE ME A RADIOACTIVE BIOMEDICAL HAZARD, BY NOW. SO IT'S MY CHOICE TO TURN MY TRAUMA N TOXICITY INTO A FUCKING AESTHETIC.

I don't get why the fuck everyone literally fucking everyone shits on girlbloggers like damn i never heard you comment on toxic men, never addressing about all those women hating twitter threads. Like, Men shit on Women every fucking day, and we can't even post toxic feminine things.

Thinking about an argument scenario with abby, where you’re so fucking mad at her—but she just keeps trying to get you to fuck with her.

Of course—not an actual argument that would require a civilized or serious conversation, but more like a playful argument that you just happened to be way too invested in. (ex: an argument over what dip is better for chips, comparing you and hers favorite shows, etc. not actual serious stuff!) You could be furious out of your own mind—annoyed, aggravated, in the mood to throw a literal table at her, and all she would do is baby you.

You had been arguing about this for the past half hour, and she still had the audacity to sit here and smirk at you while she manspreaded on the couch. You were pacing around the room, rolling your eyes and trying to explain to her the problem at hand. “abby fucking anderson—just, god.” you said with the deepest sigh you’ve ever taken to put emphasis on how frustrated you really were. “Y’know what? We’ll just order doordash. God—you can’t fuckin’ take this seriously.”

Abby pouted with a laugh that sounded way too amused than it should’ve, which only made you even closer to actually throwing a table at her or something. She chuckles provokingly, “Aww, is my baby upset? does she just need a good fuck to keep her back in her place?” She said in such a way that bothered you way too much than it should have. You rolled your eyes and practically yelped, “abby—my fucking god.”

She looked at you teasingly with a cheeky smile on her face, “Yes pretty girl?”

You sighed, “Just—just be quiet. For gods sake.”

-

Next thing you know, you’re crumbling before her eyes as you bounced up and down on her 7 inch strap, the tip of it reaching the rim of your cervix.

She keeps her hands on your waist, being sure to give you enough support you need to ride her properly—but being sure to still also give you a little bit of a hard time.

She said with a sly smile, “Fuck…This is all my baby needed? Was some good cock? Hm?” She paused to thrust up into you, causing you to whimper. “Some good dick to make her shut up? Realize her place, Yeah?”

You nodded weakly, depending on her for practically giving your limbs all the stability it needed—looking at her with fucked out eyes. “M-mhhmm…”

She made sure to make you say it—to say you lost with your own mouth. “Won’t talk back to me anymore, won’t you baby?”

You nodded obediently like you did the past hundred times shes made you cum, “mmm—mmhmmm….w-wont…t-talk…” you paused to catch your breath, “..b-back..”

She pulled you close to her with a satisfied smile, “Atta girl.”

She knew she could dumb you down, no matter what.

Look femboy porn is cool n all. I mean it. I like that stuff, but honestly sometimes when I search up femboys the thing I'm looking for is outfits and fashion inspiration. Yes, you have a very nice butt, but where's the DRIP.

It doesn’t get better with time. It gets worse. People leave. Love dies. Patience and understanding grows thin.

My life is utterly destroyed.

“i want a childish/sensitive girl” until she doesn’t know how to communicate correctly, goes silent when she’s upset, always thinks you’re upset with her, scared to have sex, cries almost every day, thinks you’ll leave her for someone more mature, acts like a child when shes with you, always thinks she’s too immature for you, has issues with eating because she knows you like tiny girls and she doesn’t feel small enough, and overthinks everything

I miss Shady Sands.

That's it, that's the post.

I'm just tired of places and people that I like in fiction being destroyed for story reasons, first it happened to Sarah Lyons, then Shady Sands gets nuked by a divorced middle manager whose wife left him and took the kids because he didn't like civilization rebuilding on the surface. I think that was the dumbest fucking reason for a place to get nuked, and then we don't even see any sign of the NCR in their home state. We only see a flag and some raiders parading around in their armor, that's it. No Boneyard, no Vault City, no soldiers on patrol, it feels like they just turned the West Coast into the East Coast, which brings the show down from a solid 8/10 to a 5 or 6/10.

That and I'm tired of the Brotherhood being on top, fuck those guys I'm so tired of seeing them everywhere at this fucking point.