I don’t think anyone talks enough about how Sebastian is a crappy older brother to Maru like I get you have issues but she did nothing but be born

[ Image Description: Stardew Valley screenshots of Maru saying, "Sebastian hardly ever talks to me. I wonder if he even likes me at all? It's sad. I want to have a brother but he doesn't act like one." End ID. ]

So, I was hit with the need last night to write the whole 'Irene learns about Kevin's murderous past' issue. The problem being, there's two different versions of events- one where she learns from a third party, and one where she learns from him. So I wrote both!

Here's the first- where Irene confronts her man on his sordid past.

~~

Irene was not, by either her own reckoning or the standards set by her community, a brave person. She preferred to avoid conflict where she could, had needed years of therapy to get where she was so far as maintaining boundaries and open communication, and fled a planet rather than push back against her family. Throughout her youth she had been called, as if on a looping record, a coward, pushover, and weakling. There was nothing she wanted more than for this whole thing to not be needed, to not happen. She wanted to lock her door, to lose his number, to not have to stress about any of this. To stick her head in a hole and ignore the world.

When Kevin knocked- there was a bell, but he’d always knocked- she opened the door.

“Hey Princess,” he said, flashing a smile that even now warmed her through despite everything in the instant before registering her muted colors and tense mass. “Are you okay?” No, not really. A million alarms were ringing in her head, she was anxious and- Not scared- Worried? Concerned? But, she needed to ask about this, and he deserved for it to be in person.

“I just, need to talk to you.” Frowning, his brow creased, Kevin slowly nodded and made his away into the apartment. He’d made a chair for himself after his first visit, when it had been clear her furniture wasn’t built for his body plan, and this he beelined for. Irene took the time to shut the door behind him, with a firm finality, before going to the low, almost hammock-like piece that served as her own normal chair.

“Is this about something specific or…” She tried to force her mass to relax, pulled herself up in a way she hoped made her look more in-control than she felt.

“Koxas has been telling me for months to look you up,” she said, proud to hear minimal waver in her voice, "and I did at the start but- But she wanted a deeper search. So.. She finally did one herself." And then had come right to Irene with worry and warnings on her lips that were still ringing hours later.

In turns, as she spoke, Kevin tensed, frowned deeper, and ducked his head, fidgeting in his seat. He wasn’t a stupid man (he was so, so smart-), he knew exactly what she’d found. He had to.

“You already know then,” he said after a moment that seemed to go on forever, eyes laser focused on the floor to the side of her. She did. And still, Irene had him in her apartment.

“I… I want to hear it from you.” It was a struggle to hold herself in position, already she’d been sore and the stretching only made it worse, but she did it, for her own sake as much as anything, as another silence stretched on. As Kevin took a deep breath, rolled his shoulders, released it, and forced himself to meet her eyes.

“I have killed nineteen people. A lot of them were self-defense, more weren’t.”

With a rush Irene collapsed back in on herself, colors dropping in favor of her natural brown-purple shade. The number was, was higher, than what she’d seen. Much higher. The alarms in her head got louder, that this was stupid, that he was dangerous, and it was with effort she shoved them aside. What she had wanted, why she’d called him over, was to hear his side. To get, something, to reconcile this news with the Kevin she’d come to know over the past months. There was a reason she was doing this, and she wouldn’t- couldn’t- turn back now. Moving slowly, she forced herself into a less, distraught, position.

At no point did he speak, nor reach for her, while she did, for which she was grateful.

“Why?” How could he have done this? What sort of explanation was there to reconcile this knowledge with the sweetheart she’d been seeing, who made her laugh and installed a misting system in his apartment for her comfort? Was that even really him?

“Listen, I- It’s-” Shoulders tense, face one big droop, Kevin sighed heavily. “I was a seriously fucked-up kid.” That was one way to put it. “You- Do you remember when I told you I used to have a serious issue with energy addiction?” She slowly bobbed her head. It had been his explanation for why he didn’t drink, that he’d struggled with addiction before and wanted to avoid the risk. “Most of the murders were then.”

That- It was an explanation. She didn’t know how she felt about it, but it was an explanation. It was a start.

“And… how many murders, exactly?” He took a deep breath again.

“Six then, eleven overall.” Of course. She huffed what almost wanted to be a laugh.

“Appropriate.” Kevin shook his head.

“I was desperate and angry and-” He huffed, shaking his head again. “It’s a big part of why I’m seeing my shrink. I don’t want to be that person again, just, killing innocent people because it makes his life easier.” Opening and closing her mouth a few times, Irene eventually managed a response.

“I don’t want you to be either.” She wanted for him to be… Kevin. The man who didn’t judge her for needing to rest so often. Who brought her treats. Made her feel adventurous. There was something hopeful that blossomed in the pit of her to hear he was working to be him.

“I was planning to tell you,” he went on, “it’s just… I don’t know, how the fuck do you tell somebody that?” Despite herself, Irene gave the ghost of a smile.

“It feels like a card occasion.” There was a beat before snorted, something lighter flitting over his face.

“What, like ‘Sorry, I’m a Serial Killer’?”

“Then inside is ‘But if you need, say the word’.” The laugh between them was a fragment of its normal self, but it was there, and lasted long enough for a bit of relief before Irene pulled herself back together.

“You said you were desperate…” Kevin tensed. Licked his lips.

“I was homeless, and alone, and hadn’t even hit puberty yet,” he said with an air she recognized from her own therapy sessions, when she was being pushed to acknowledge the root of some issue or another. “Killing people- It got me supplies, removed potential threats, and…” Another sigh, his eyes shutting against it. “I wanted other people to hurt. So they did, even though they didn’t deserve it. Can’t, really make up for that, no matter what you do. Just, keep trying to move forward…”

Looking back later, she’d probably call that the line that convinced her he was being honest, and doing his damnedest to be somebody better. Not the words themselves, but the tone they came in. Like Kevin didn’t believe he should have that chance, or that it would work, but was doing it anyway.

“I can’t make you promises,” he continued before she could find words to say. “I regret those deaths, but not the others, and I can’t say I won’t kill again if people’s safety is on the line. Fuck, even if they push far enough- I’ve worked hard on my temper but it’s still there. I’m trying, and I don’t want you hurt, that’s the best I can do.”

It shouldn’t have been enough. Even then she’d known her family would never think it was enough, and that her friends might not as well. He’d killed people, in cold blood. He didn’t even regret a good chunk of them. But, those had mostly been self-defense. Irene couldn’t blame him for that. The other two were more questionable, but his stated limit implied they’d been the instigators there as well. And he did regret the rest, so deeply it sunk into the lines of his face when he spoke about it. Enough that he was trying to be better. Enough that he’d worked easily with heroes, and while before it had been easy to question their morality she believed him, and that was enough to put some faith in their faith.

Kevin was a murderer. Kevin was a good man. He was working to be one over the other, and from the reports she’d seen and her own experiences he was most probably succeeding. ‘Resolve’ slotted itself into the long list of his positive traits, knocking alarms aside as it went.

“I love you,” Irene surprised even herself by saying, for the first time and with all the firmness in the world. It was true though. He was everything she’d ever wanted, even if she hadn’t realized some of those things before. In another life maybe the news wouldn’t have hit as hard, coming from his own mouth rather than blindsiding her from a worried friend’s, who’d only even looked because she was suspicious of his scarring. “I’m, going to need time to just... to process all this. But, I love you.” Kevin blushed a deep red, a tendency she was too fond of, but managed a small smile.

“I love you too. I’m sorry you have to deal with this bullshit, you don’t deserve it.”

“I’ll probably live. Just-” She centered herself, letting some dull colors creep back over her mass as she considered the thought in her head. It was a reasonable request she was sure he wouldn’t refuse, but those last niggling doubts were there. “-promise you’ll try not to kill anyone unless you absolutely have to?” She could handle this, she was reasonably sure, but- But that didn’t mean she didn’t want even measly insurance that he would be better. Kevin blinked, once, twice, but nodded.

“As long as you promise that if I hurt or threaten you, you’ll bolt.” Irene tensed again.

“Kevin-” He shook his head.

“I’d rather take off a limb, but-” Heaving another sigh, he locked his gaze with hers. “I know I could snap again someday, and if I do, and if I make myself a threat, I don’t want you sticking around. No trying to save me, no making excuses, promise me if I pull that shit you’ll pull a runner.”  Somehow, the acknowledgement of the risk turned down the volume on a few of the remaining alarms. As if hearing him admit he could be a danger made him less of one.

She slowly bobbed her head.

“I promise.” Immediately his shoulders slumped, as if they’d been carrying a massive weight.

“Then I promise I’ll try to keep the murder to a bare minimum.” Tension dropping from her body, Irene sat with her eyes locked to Kevin’s for a long moment before stretching out in his direction, loosing a small rumble when he leaned in to butt his forehead against hers.

They’d all been right; she was at least too much a coward to lose him.

Her therapist was going to have a field day.

Moving is horrific enough without all this, too. 

ID below the read more: 

[ID: Three screenshots, first is of three tweets (out of thirteen in a thread) from twitter user Tigerbeansarts that say “Guys if you were going to rent a house and it had a LOCKED storage space that you enter thru the upstairs BATHROOM ... 1/13 hashtag reads moving woes

And you notice the WHOLE HOUSE is w/o Air Conditioning however there IS an AC unit in the STORAGE LOFT (visible from inside the attached garage). 2/13 

It has a window. There are two bathrooms without a window but the loft has one. and also in Google pics (old, there is grass in the front instead of the current landscaping) the window is open and with a fan stuck in in it. 3/13″

(Next screenshot is the following five tweets in the thread): 

“Are you legally allowed to ask what’s up there? Is it flammable? Need to be ventilated? Perishable? Alive? IS SOMEONE LIVING IN MY FUTURE LOFT and WHY DON’T WE, the renters, GET THE LONG ASS ROOM FOR OUR USAGE?? 4/13

its 3000 square feet. Its so much house. But there’s the fact that we may have a Hugo Simpson living on the other side of the kids bathroom 5/13 

In addition, when we drove by previously, there was a pit dug out on the side. You ever (see the) 1987 horror film “The Gate” with Stephen Dorff? Yeah when we went back it was just dirt, all smoothed over.  hashtag reads Gatekept Gaslit 666/13

Look, we have to be out by the first of February and all I want is space for my family and all the shit we acquired while retail therapy-ing during quarantine. This house is grand and drafty and has ample room for entertaining guests. 7/13

It also absolutely looked like a creepy old witch lived there or maybe an old couple who were Satanists in the 70s (for the aesthetic). Which I gotta admit the truth- it turned me on. 8/13″

(final screenshot is the last five tweets in the thread) 

Its also connected to a whole community (which is a turn off) but maybe some Rosemarys Baby vibes there now. Number 9/13 

All of which I dig except for the part where I’m pulling my kid out of a tree or trying to coax my daughter from a TV set with static which, I don’t know how we’ll manage with a Roku. hashtag reads Roku no Static Channel 10/13

You have to understand- I’ve lived in a haunted house before . We learned to co-exist. But (if) the walls start dripping blood like- we’re not gonna get our deposit back with a stain like THAT, Beezlejuice. hashtag reads not enough sage in the world 11/13 

Anyway our second choice just went off the market. Just like the first house we loved and asked to view. All signs are pointing to whatever lurks in this dark little cul de sac WANTS me there. Am I gonna finally have to baptize my kid? 12/13

At the end of the day- it has a pool. & the man can have an office and work from home so there will be proof of hashtag reads Paranormal Activity, and I won’t have to be the poor little stir crazy house wife all “I never should’ve dabbled in Wicca and DND and yoga and veganism (crying face emoji)  waaaaaah” 13/13.

Made some small corrections to grammar. End ID] 

Making good use of the new mobile read more feature for a momentary bitchn about my dad under the cut (mention of disownment and shitty fatherhood tw)

Y'know it really would've been so much easier if the bastard had just had the cajones to disown me the second time, or hell even the first time when he tried it, and stand by it, rather than pull this "i love you but this is hard for me I'm grieving and need time to learn" bullshit that means he gets to call me Jamie and pretend we're a happy little family but never once hold a serious conversation about my life or my needs or my feelings or the fact that I'm one bad day away from becoming a fuckin statistic because my demographic of the community has a pretty high tendency of becoming just that, a statistic, second of course to our bipoc trans sisters suffering not being a contest not withstanding

But no he just gets to be a coward who can't stand by the shit he said when he tried and failed to kick me out and disown me twice and now he gets to be a coward who's afraid of saying the wrong thing and repairing the bridge he's burned or actually being s legitimate father so he just putzes around like an ass making small talk and saying how nice it is i come home now and then but never once making a fucking effort to repair the damage he's caused my whole life he just makes small talk and uses my name like it's good enough and then cries to his friends about the fact i never tell him anything like gee maybe it's cause you're a fucking coward john maybe it's cause you're a coward and all of this would be easier if you'd just disown me

I'd rather be disowned a third time than play happy family with a man who can't even look me in the eye and ask me how I'm doing after having top surgery and cancer within the same year because he's too afraid of the implications of his "baby girl" having gone through all that.

Jokes on you coward your baby girl is about to go to pride and square up with the fucking Nazis you said no longer existed so eat shit and grow a spine.

So you did your best in a goddamn bitch of a situation. I'll acknowledge that. Unfortunately your best wasn't particularly great.

Own it. Do better. Stop being a fucking coward. And Jesus Christ on a bike, go to fucking therapy.

CY Leo Is Too Good To Be True: A Good Music Skill, A Good Look, A Good Family, A Good Academic Qualification And A Good Girlfriend: Being The World-renowned Harmonica Artist, What Can Be His Fears Of The Unknown?

In the mystery of music lie the secrets that a talent will spend his whole life to uncover. He likes to feel un-settled and has huge inventories of worries of the unknown. When trials of life, one after another, come to test his faith in art, doubt will be removed one day if he sets his ultimate hope in that he loves—art.

CY Leo (何卓彥) was born in 1994 and has never been tired of harmonica since the age of 6 when he started to learn the tunes from his father who is a well-known harmonica player in Hong Kong. The harmonica, also known as a mouth harp or mouth organ, is a free reed wind instrument in many genres, notably in blues, country and classical music. It was adapted from an old Chinese instrument called Sheng (笙) more than 1000 years ago.

We are only the stars and, of course, jealous of the moon: Leo, already possessing the talent of music, has a good look with the similar charm of Timothée Chalamet. He also has a great height, an impressive academic qualification (occupational therapy), an enviable family background in which both parents are medical professionals and his younger brother is a teacher, and finally a sweet girlfriend and they fly in pairs to wherever he performs.

Leo is a beautiful butterfly that is also a busy bee. He practises harmonica more than 3 hours a day. He makes online video lectures to teach people how to play harmonica. He produces harmonica concerts and CDs. He takes part in activities which promote community support for harmonica. The award given by Hong Kong Arts Development Council in 2020 is just a diamond Koh-i-Noor which glitters among many crown jewels that are already his other international awards. CY Leo is a supper for many female sharks. This is a figurative speech but you can know the degree of his popularity that I am referring to. Leo was not mad at my joke and responded politely, “I am simply a lucky man!”

I asked Leo, “Are you too good to be true? I just attended your concert. Your music is totally stylistic! The audience was respectful of your work.” He faltered, “Currently, things for me are too good to be true. But, fears of the unknown have the power to trouble my heart, over and over again.” I was puzzled and raised the question, “What kind of fear?” He replied seriously, “I am a family man. I love to be as closely as possible with my family. After I get married and have kids, I guess my wife and children cannot fly with me to do worldwide performances. The hotel room empty of them will be the saddest place.”

He continued, “What is at a peak is sure to go down. If I lose my popularity one day and earn substantially less, shall I be able to survive and have enough money to be a breadwinner? Where can I get bacon to bring home?” I asked, “So?” He said, “I think I need to be a music teacher at the same time so that I can add another string to my bow.” I remarked, “Always remember: as a top musician, your focus will determine your success. I am a lawyer and writer. I sometimes do think I am neither here nor there.”  

Leo thought about it for a while, “Stable income matters but I shall definitely not treat pop music as my career. I do play pop music from time to time so as to bridge serious music and popular taste. I want to remain a fine art musician. I love harmonica. It is light, easy, handy and affordable. It should be music for everyone especially youngsters. They can talk to the music when they are happy or moody—anywhere, just getting a harmonica out of the pocket. The sound quality of harmonica is close to that of a human voice. When you play harmonica, it seems like someone singing side by side with you! I disagree to the suggestion that harmonica is not a serious music and it is just great for busking only.”

Maurice Lee

Chinese Version 中文版: https://www.patreon.com/posts/wai-biao-cai-hua-101156253?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

CY Leo Jazz Quintet at Montreux Jazz Festival China https://youtu.be/o9gj5lVn0BA?si=y3vaxi7ycEiuEqpY Acknowledgement – Cy Leo

CY Leo & The Guardians of Groovin' Underworld《Wolala》Official Live Performance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfjWssdEdW0 Acknowledgement – COLLAB HK

CY Leo Solo Harmonica https://youtu.be/JjRZI-MUgag?si=ErAlGh_bDIaISbjM Acknowledgement-Cy Leo

Harmonica Talk by CY Leo https://youtu.be/mxZbKmViwks?si=VtmnaP5TX6UJXK4v Acknowledgement – HK Arts Festival

《青春舞曲》Harmonica https://youtu.be/W4YTbaoABhM?si=MU5Yz8UyhtZWnnOp Acknowledgement - 中華口琴會

Dad,

You don't deserve to be called that, but what else do I call you? Ross? Father? Sperm donor? I guess dad will have to do for now, just know that I don't hold the same meaning to dad as the general population does. How could I?

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this to you. Life update? Tell you how I feel? Call you out for being a shit dad? Fuck, I don't know.

I want you to hear from me, I got married. I have officially changed my last name, and in the eyes of the government, social media, and in my personal life, we no longer share a last name. I've been waiting 20 years to change my name and to have a last name to be proud of. No, you were not invited. We had a small ceremony of family and friends, and everyone who was there had a personal relationship to the both of us. You did not have that with either of us. You gave almost zero effort to get to know me, spend time with me, and love me as I am my whole life and you gave less effort into getting to know the man that I would eventually marry. You did not deserve an invitation, and I have no regrets about that.

I'm almost 30, I'm more than halfway through my last year in my 20s, and I've learned a lot. I learned about my undiagnosed mental disorders and how to cope with them. I've learned about my toxic and unhealthy habits and traits in relationships and how to shift my mindset to be more productive. I've started to heal, I started therapy, and I'm actively fixing what you broke, what you failed to even put together. I've put in an incredible amount of work, more work than if you just did your damn job right. But no, you couldn't break the cycle. You couldn't put your ego aside and admit you needed help to move past your trauma. Instead, you willingly gave me yours, and now I'm forced to deal with something that shouldn't be my responsibility. You have 5 kids, and you failed all of us, every single one. I have zero relationship with any of them, and with other facors aside, I blame you the most for that. I don't believe you're capable of love, to give or receive. I believe you are far too emotionally detached to even comprehend what unconditional love is.

More than 15 years ago, I told you I felt indifferent toward you, and that is still the same. I don't believe I love you, I think you took that away every time you failed to show up for me.

More than anything, though, I pity you. I feel sorry for you, I see through your tough guy act, I see past the cold, and I see a scared, sad, hurt little boy who was severely abused. Your abuse and your past was not your fault. Going to residential school was not your fault. Having your mom die while away at residential school was not your fault. What was your fault, was passing down your demons to innocent children who just wanted to be loved by their dad.

I think this letter is my final piece to you. I've spent far too many years contemplating this, but I believe open-ended communication is no longer beneficial to me. I don't believe you deserve a window into my life anymore. I don't believe you deserve to have a means to contact me. Not that it really changes all that much. You haven't reached out in years. I mean, you asked me what my birthday was a couple of years ago, but I don't believe that counts. It's a sad day when a child has to parent the parent, but it's even sadder when a little girl is just begging for her dad to show up. You are the reason I don't want kids. I fear turning into you, I fear my trauma would be passed on, and I don't believe that's fair. I could not live with myself if I had a child, and they felt how I felt because of me. I had to teach myself how to be loved and cared for by a man. A job that was supposed to fall on you, and instead I, again held that responsibility. I experienced trauma because I was never taught to be loved, not in healthy ways.

I hope for the sake of your younger children, you seek help one day. Renée and I are on our own now, were adults, but the younger 3 still have a chance of having a healthy relationship with you. You just need to heal yourself first.

Jess

Oh I'm definitely not crying over your tags (that's a lie my heart is physically aching). I was about to say how do you get me like no one else but I remembered that you are... me? Just maybe in a different side of the world. And I feel some kind of comfort that you of all people feel the same as I do and are able to express and understand the emotions and thoughts that I haven't been able to put into words, and you just... understood.

It really is crazy how we always do our BEST to make everybody around us comfortable when we may not have felt a sense of comfort in a long time. And putting others first is a good thing until it starts to take from your own health and time to take care of yourself. And the part about wanting to analyze people who don't really know you but are so kind to you and they actually want to talk to you and hear about your day not as a compliment but because they actually want to is true and freakishly so. And I don't know what to say, stars. It's kind of sad that we aren't used to something that is supposed to be the normal for everybody else. Like, it's okay. We should allow ourselves to take chances and step out and accept that other people are kind too. I have no idea what to say I know I said it too many times but I love you stars so so much. And sorry I wrote an essay.

We are truly the same person in two different bodies. I will say, therapy the past few years has really helped me become the person I am today. Believe it or not, I actually was a lot more emotionally closed off to my family and friends because I was... just one of those kids growing up that was always lonely. My parents both had pretty traumatic childhoods, so they did everything in their power to make sure I didn't have what they did, and it worked. I, even to this day, am very close with my parents, and we get along great! However, my mom never let me play with the kids in my neighborhood, I was never allowed to go to sleepovers with school friends, and I was always around adults because I am an only child. So, I was actually a lot more emotionally mature than most of my peers, but I just couldn't interact with them naturally. I craved deep friendships and relationships, but I was also very awkward and clingy, so kids would very my friends, but they were never deep. I bounced around from friend group to friend group every school year (pre-k to 7th grade) because people either left or they straight up said they didn't want to be friends with me anymore (still remember that to this day. 2nd grade was rough man). When you constantly give your heart to people, hoping they'll cherish it, and they end up shattering it, it is horribly difficult to keep your heart on your sleeve.

I digress, therapy really helped me open back up (I still struggle deeply with abandonment issues - part of the reason this week was really hard - but I have been getting better), and I have been told I'm very introspective, so being able to verbalize my feelings has been a goal of mine.

Yeah, it has been brought to my attention that I to an unhealthy amount put everyone's happiness and comfortability before my own, and I really need to work on that. I've just now have started to set boundaries with my best friend, and my therapist brought up that those boundaries have been broken already, so I need to keep setting them up and communicate with her.

AND FOR WHAT? WHY ARE YOU KIND TO ME? WHY MUST YOU LOOK SO FOND OF ME? AND WHY AM I WANTING TO LEARN YOUR ENTIRE PERSONALITY????

ngl, I've kind of been a bit of a Mastermind ™️, just a little machiavellian, in getting this guy to open up to me because he is so anxious with emotions, so I've been very vulnerable in turn and it's a whole mess.

Mais, I adore and love you, and (clearly) I LOVE essays 💛💛💛💛💛

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!

what about frisk headcanons?

you got it boss

theeeere's Frisk! this design was one i fiddled with for years too, but they started to really come together into the Frisk they are now in liiike? mid-late 2019

but on2 the headcanons,

10 when they fell underground, would be 16, almost 17 in present day (my god)

nonbinary, specifically agender - uses they/them

spent their early years in foster care, the name "Frisk" came from the way they used to mispronounce their full birthname before they started speech therapy - given to them by their first foster parents, and something they've held on to and cherished ever since

(so, when Asriel finally asked what their name was at the end of UT, they only hesitated for a moment before making a decision and telling him)

(also i made a longer post a while back that goes more into their pre-UT life here)

of Cape Verdean descent - doesn't know Cape Verdean creole but would love to learn

moderately hard of hearing + not the greatest eyesight

knows ASL, and is more than willing to help people learn the basics so they can communicate in another way

very sensory sensitive - does not like bright lights, loud noises, certain fabrics, etc.

they do have hearing aids and glasses, but really prefer not to wear them if it isn't necessary - for the above reason.

(they can handle the glasses better, but they haaaaaate their hearing aids because of how painful and grating certain noises are and would much rather someone just... write down what they need to say to them. they're not a fan of putting themself through unnecessary discomfort & pain just to make things easier for abled people)

them being sensitive to most sensory stimuli (including light) is why they keep their eyes closed throughout the game, and even after

they have a wickedddd guilt complex and feel like not only is everything their fault, but also their responsibility to fix (hearing Chara's memory of Asgore telling them they were the future of humans & monsters did nawt help this)

(they also are the kind of kid who's been nice and rolled with the punches their whole life, so when they act out and have a normal, mean teenager moment they think they're like... The Worst Person Ever and not just... a teenager having a normal snippy moment)

they also feel like they have to be the rock of the Dreemurr family; they feel like their problems aren't as bad and they don't have any need to complain; they just need to ~stay strong~

(post UT) they live with Toriel full time, and act as Papyrus' assistant in human-monster ambassadorial work. they're also the leader of their school's gardening club, hold a position in their school's outreach club, run for class committee every year and always get a spot, and and and...

yeah this kid's heading for some pretty serious burnout to say the least... they think if they keep busy it'll make things better but... man, who knows

they visit Asgore pretty often - who (revived) Chara and Asriel live with full time

(Chara and Asriel don't go to school with them; they do homeschooling (curriculum made by Toriel) and Frisk goes over to help a lot)

Asgore has a big garden, and Chara and Asriel help out all the time. and so does Frisk!! its something they're very passionate about and its one of the few times they get to spend together with Azzy, Chara, and Mr. Dad Guy, and the one time they really get to connect and collaborate together. it's super important to them and its one of the only things they cancel diplomat or club meetings to go to instead

their locket is based off of Asriel and Chara's respective lockets, except with theirs in a silver casing as opposed to gold. based off the old nursery rhyme, "make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold". Frisk is their new friend, and thus they're silver! the heart inside is half monster (white) and half human (red). these two halves symbolize not only the way Frisk united monsterkind and humankind after so long, but also Asriel and Chara themselves (who as you can probably guess, handmade Frisk's locket for them as a gift)

there's the basics! as always, if there's anything more you'd like to know you can ask, but thaaaaats the important bits

Ted Lasso 2x10 thoughts

GOOD GOD.

“No Weddings and a Funeral” is like being hungover but also coming out of a hangover. Having a terrible cold but also feeling better and appreciating every breath that comes through your nose. Embarking on an organizational project and accidentally falling into a photo album and crying about the pictures and organizing almost nothing tangible but making a few things more clear in your brain.

So much of this episode is about the AWFUL POINTLESSNESS OF DECORUM. How loud is too loud when you’re drinking stolen wine and shrieking about sex in a church right before your father’s funeral? How should you feel--thirty years later, as an accommodating, anger-averse person--about having been too angry to attend the funeral for your father who killed himself? What expression should you make when you show up really late to a different funeral? Why must you wear uncomfortable shoes just because someone died? What happens in your mind between standing up to give a eulogy for a man you’re still angry with and choosing to Rick Roll your mom and everyone else as an act of complicated love, humiliatingly incomplete until someone else starts to sing? Should you worry about your therapist seeing your normally tidy flat in a full-on state of depression mess? Is it okay to be offended that your boyfriend is so uncomfortable about death that he can’t stop making morbid jokes? Should you care about other people caring that you’re crunching an apple in church or squealing with joy to be reunited with a friend you’ve not seen in awhile? Are you obligated to explain your behavior if your kid doesn’t understand how you could stay with someone unfaithful? How far behind the counter should you sink when your [undefined relationship person]’s mother has just let you know she can see your dick through your underwear? Is a funeral reception an okay place to find a hookup? Is a funeral reception a decent spot for a break-up? Is a funeral reception a good time for a love confession when you know the person you’re confessing to is happy with someone else? And who do you make eye contact with when you can’t look directly at the person asking you if you’re okay when there’s so, so much about you she doesn’t know yet? Even if--for this tiny little moment within a vast swath of many okay and not-okay moments--you’re honest when you tell her that you are?

I fucking adored this episode because it answers all these questions very simply: Show up. Show up for yourself. Show up for your friends. Try not to harm yourself. Try not to harm your friends.

I love that this episode is about the messiness of adulthood and the things we bring with us from childhood and that it takes place partially in Rebecca’s childhood bedroom, and in Ted’s childhood memories. Dwelling in those places (whether physically or mentally) isn’t an automatic recipe for regression, but it does get everyone closer to the things that made them who they are, to the unresolved and half-buried parts of them that still make them tick today.

Forever obsessed with every single detail about Rebecca’s childhood bedroom.

Forever obsessed with Deborah’s decision to Rick Roll herself every single morning of her life.

Forever obsessed with Rebecca’s decision to Rick Roll her father’s funeral as a way to not have to make up a single word about her father and to do something very vulnerable and kind for herself and her mother and everyone.

Forever obsessed with Ted’s decision to Rick Roll Rebecca Rick Rolling her father’s funeral.

Forever obsessed with an entire found family backing it up.

I love that it is Isaac’s leadership that ensures every single member of the team attends the service for Paul.

I am very, very interested in Jamie’s love confession to Keeley because I do think it will spark some reflection in Keeley but I do not think it’ll go the cliched love triangle route.

Each scene with Rebecca and Sam struck (for me, a human being sharing a subjective perspective on the internet) the tender-awkward-beautiful-stressful chord I was hoping it would. I think it’s wonderful that Sam is honest with Rebecca about how difficult it is to keep their relationship a secret, and I love that Rebecca has a million mostly-unarticulated reasons for why she’d much prefer the secret to continue. I like that Sassy, Keeley, and Nora respond to the revelation as friends; they might be tempering their judgments in part because they’ve all gathered to bury Rebecca’s dad, but I don’t think their reactions would’ve been that different even on a happier occasion.

While there are a million and one different reasons why a continued relationship between Rebecca and Sam could cause serious ethical problems, I really love that when people share big news on this show, the people who care about them generally react by trying to see why the person is doing what they’re doing. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t also hold each other accountable, but in my book it’s OK that Keeley’s first reaction was to feel happy that her friend is having some fun.

Also everyone has been making weird judgment calls this season, and this episode felt like a moment of real breakthroughs in terms of people telling the truth about things that happened to them and leaving themselves open to honest responses from others.

September 13, 1991. It’s so tenderly, beautifully, overwhelmingly meaningful that there’s still so much Ted and Rebecca don’t know about the things they have in common in these parallel lives they’re leading. The scene between Sarah Niles and Jason Sudeikis is so beautifully acted, and so is the scene between Hannah Waddingham and Harriet Walter. The way they intertwine to communicate that Ted and Rebecca basically lost the ability to trust their fathers simultaneously, from an ocean away? In the hands of lesser storytellers, it would feel too perfect a mirroring, but here it feels heartbreakingly imperfect. All the things they still don’t know. All the questions they try to ask each other. All the things they don’t dare ask yet. And then the storytellers are holding a candle up to all of it and letting the audience bask in the glow of this connection even if Ted and Rebecca can’t fully understand it yet.

I am so proud that Rebecca and Deborah were able to embark on the beginnings of a conversation about the ways Deborah and Paul’s relationship might have resembled or not resembled Rebecca and Rupert’s. It feels possible that they could get to a point where Rebecca truly internalizes her mother’s pride that she broke a cycle by leaving Rupert, and could maybe even understand why her mother made the choices she made. I love that in the final scene, they’re still relying on their old mother-daughter conversational patterns—the frustrations, the snippy shorthand, the passive-aggression. Mothers and daughters!

I am also proud that Ted—albeit via a joke about Sharon charging him for the house call—indicates that he understands the value of Sharon’s work. He’s changed a lot, all in realistic ways for someone who loves learning and really does want to meet people where they are and appreciate them. I’m very moved that instead of putting himself in a real harmful situation by showing up to the funeral on time at any cost, he did what he needed to do to take care of himself and accept care from someone else. And then Sharon’s suggestion that he think about things he loved about his father? And the way he’s able to share a positive memory of Rebecca’s own father at a time when she really needed it? Gosh.

Awkward, undecorous transition from 1991 to present-day incoming...but SASSY! She’s just, like, a whirling dervish of loyal friendship and not giving a fuck and penis size discussions and being casually, delightfully cruel to Rupert, who so deserves it. Rebecca was going on a real face journey when Sassy goes off with Ted at the end, and I’m sort of *eyes emoji* about all of that, but I continue to feel like Sassy is the most imperfectly wonderful friend-from-the-past kind of person and I love everything she and Nora get to do in this episode.

Keeley saying “That baby is whack” might be my favorite line in the episode? Maybe the whole show? Not really but really.

FUCK YOU, RUPERT. Bex and Diane, y’all are fine. And I truly feel for Nate...whatever scheme he’s getting suckered into. Whatever insecurity Rupert is preying on. I want Nate to go to therapy, too.

I feel like it was an unpopular opinion at the time, but I loved Rebecca’s 2x1 revelation about vulnerability and fear of getting hurt and needing to let someone love her. Sassy doesn’t always word things in the most nuanced way, but I think there’s a real possibility that she did ask Rebecca to really consider what it means to feel either safe or unsafe with a person but to know that in either circumstance, that person could end up causing her pain. Standing in that closet with Sam, managing to make it clear that she’s not asking for a break because she knows he will hurt her but because she has to figure out how to be with a wonderful person who could cause her pain...the growth, man. Makes me emotional.

I emerged from this episode feeling, of course, stunned by all the amazing parallels and revelations and beautiful acting and Rick Rolls and just, everything. I also emerged feeling sad/raw/tender because messiness and decorum and growth and coping mechanisms and death and dramatic irony and not knowing things about people and not knowing what you don’t know...it’s a sad, raw, tender place to be.

To quote a guy who got a whole sitcom (lol) named after him, life is real hard.

There Will Be No Tears (Chapter 1)

⚠️Warning: I won’t be continuing this series, just placing it here for posterity.🙏🏾 Thanks for understanding. 

Prompt: “Don’t leave me. Don’t you dare leave me.” Word Count: 2.1k Warnings: So Much ANGST The boy squirmed slightly as you deftly lifted his sleeping form from his crib and nestled him in your arms. You smiled softly as you stared at the carbon copy of your husband swaddled in your arms. You couldn’t deny it, he was handsome. You placed a soft kiss to his cheek, and whispered sweet words of praise in his ears. You noticed a tear sliding down your cheek and quickly lifted your hand to wipe it away, swallowing deeply and repeating the mantra you had created to comfort you during trying times – there will be no tears. You turned and lifted the large baby bag you had packed earlier in the evening, hoisting it over your shoulder. It was full with supplies that would last a few days as you journeyed outside of your husband’s kingdom to a quiet and unsuspecting location, until you had found a place and settled down. You had decided that you and your son would live away from the palace, and have nothing to do with royalty. You’d live a quiet life, the way you used to before you met him. Maybe settle in the River Tribe, somewhere discreet, where you could find peace.  You didn’t want any trouble. You took one last look around your 1 and a half year old son’s room, noticing the large rocking chair T’challa had bought for you the moment you he had discovered you were pregnant. You smiled at the memory – a small smile. The mantra played on repeat in your head. there will be no tears. You hurried out of the room closing the door quietly and began your walk to the west wing of the palace, where you would make your exit. Your eyes took in the architecture of the palace that had been your home for close to 3 years, you would miss it. It was where you had met T’challa. You had loved him, married him, and conceived your beloved son together in the walls of this building. How could you not miss it? Unfortunately, it was also the place that witnessed the breakdown of your marriage, the walls had heard every argument, saw every push, heard every insult, but worst of all it had heard your cries. The cries that had emitted from your lips as you realized that your beloved husband, the king had a lover. A lover who wasn’t you. You remembered the day you found out like it was yesterday, and you probably would for the rest of your life. __ You had woken up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t there. It wasn’t surprising for you to wake up with him gone in the middle of the night, He was king after all. He had a duty to his country and it was a job that did not give him the privilege of getting his 8-10 hours of sleep. Often times he would work through the night. You would always feel him slip back into bed as the sun rose, to kiss your cheeks and pull you close to him once again, returning just in time to spend a few minutes with you as you woke up. If you woke in the middle of the night and missed his presence he could be found in his office, huddled over a stack of papers, with a steaming cup of herbal tea to his side and his glasses on the tip of his nose. Sometimes you would watch him through a crack in the door and go back to bed, your heart content that he was fine. Other times you would give a little knock on the door and let your presence be known.   He’d always welcome you in with a smile and pull you into his lap, leaving you with a kiss on your forehead. If you were really adamant, you’d manage to convince him to come back to bed, and he’d oblige. Every now and then you got comfortable in his lap and let him work as you slept for the duration of the night. This time was different. You had left your bed with a peace offering of herbal tea in hopes of resolving the quarrel that had you both going to bed with your backs facing each other. Instead of seeing T’challa huddled over a stack of papers  you were met with a sight that would change the course of your relationship and Wakanda forever. You saw your husband, with his back facing you as a woman had her hands planted on his desk and her figure arching into his body. “You are my peace.” He said into the woman’s hair, as his arms rested loosely around her waist and his nose was buried in her hair. It was those words that broke you the most. He littered her neck with kisses as she reached back and ran her fingers through his coarse hair. Your husband’s hair. The whole scene made you sick to your stomach and you couldn’t help yourself as the saucer and teacup that held his favourite herbal tea slid out of your hands and crashed onto the polished marble floors of the palace. You were stunned for a second before you turned your back and walked hastily back to your quarters. “Y/N!” he called frantically. He murmured a few words to the woman in his office, took a few hurried strides across the room and closed the mahogany door of his office quietly. He then started his sprint towards you and grabbed your wrist pulling your body to him.   “Y/N…” he said as his voice trailed off. He ran his fingers through the coils that sat atop his head – something he did when he was frustrated. “I’ve been going through a lot, it’s been hard on me you know?” He expected you to say something, but words couldn’t escape your lips. there will be no tears.  You had thought that the increasing number of fights you had been having could be resolved by couples therapy, or communication, anything. You were wrong. This moment made you realize that nothing would solve this broken marriage, it was bigger than you. What you did know is that you wouldn’t have your son growing up in a loveless family, with puppets as parents. Finally, your found your voice. It was wobbly, and you didn’t know how he would take it but you tried anyways. “T’Challa?”  A beat. “ I think we should… I don’t think we should… I can’t –“ you couldn’t finish your thoughts as he interrupted you. “Don’t leave me. Don’t you dare leave me.” He whispered as the grip on your wrist tightened. His head hung low, and he couldn’t look at you and instead chose to focus his sight on the floor. You took note of the pressure on your wrist, nodded and composed yourself. You pulled your wrist from his grip, smoothing the front of your night dress, and made you way back to your chambers. This time, he didn’t return.  But you knew. You couldn’t stay. Your upbringing and dignity wouldn’t allow you to. You wouldn’t be a puppet queen. You couldn’t. It wasn’t in your nature. __ Weeks had passed since that night and you still operated on auto-pilot. You bathed, burped and played with your son as if nothing was wrong. You went to all your scheduled meetings as the queen, you picked out the linens for the dinners that were to be held in that quarter, you had lunches with T’Challa’s mother, you painted your nails, and braided your hair like you usually would. You spoke to your husband as if nothing was wrong. Replying when he asked you questions that he already knew the answer to just to get you to speak to him. “Y/N? Are we attending the Festival of Harvest this year?” he asked while looking at you expectantly looking for anything – something to indicate your anger. You busied yourself with the laundry you were folding and replied in an even tone “Of course, we attend every year don’t we? Why would this year be any different?” This year would be different. By the time the Festival of Harvest rolled around you and Kweku would have left the palace, never to attend another festival again. Prior to the discovery of his infidelity your interactions had been very different. You were bickering back and forth about almost everything. He would spend a few hours a day playing with his son but ignoring his wife. Often times he’d find you and plop Kweku on your lap and say “He needs his diaper changed, you can return him to me when you’re done.” When you questioned why he couldn’t change his diaper, he’d say “It’s the least you could do Y/N, you’re his mother.” In a condescending tone that you’d never thought would leave the mouth of your husband, your Challa.  He would wait for you outside his nursery, and swoop him out of your arms when you exited the room without a word of thanks, and hurry along his way. When you expressed your tiredness while dealing with Kweku, juggling your palace duties, and trying to be a good wife at the same time, he’d simply ask “Y/N, could it be that you’re just not trying hard enough? You must learn to manage it.” T’Challa was never physical with you. Just dismissive, and condescending, and cold. This wasn’t the man you married. Whenever you expressed your concerns about his behavior he’d roll his eyes at you and try to placate you like a child. “If you’d just do what I suggest, you wouldn’t be getting yourself upset over nothing Y/N. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones still swirling about in your system but I’m sure Shuri can help you out if you need it.” With these comments you’d just get more and more heated, which would result in many slammed doors, and a lot of raised voices. You could put up with the arguments, you could fix that, but giving himself to another woman? You couldn’t forgive. You knew you had to be objective with your exit. Though T’Challa had always been sweet to you until recently, he had the capacity to be cruel, he was the Black Panther after all. You wouldn’t put it past him to keep you in the palace as a captive if you made any attempts to leave him, especially with his son. During sex he’d let you know it was he who was dominating your body with skill that made you cry out wantonly every time. “You’re mine Y/N, say it!” he’d growl into your ear, and you would say it, because it was true. __ Your sons whining took you from your thoughts, and you remembered you had to be swift. There was only a small window that would allow you to leave undetected. You had been planning this for weeks. Waiting for the perfect moment. T’challa was gone on an annual hunting trip where many of the  Dora Milaje would accompany him as he wouldn’t be in communication with the palace for 3 days. A lot could happen in 3 days. Today was day one, and you had planned to leave today as it would give you the most amount of time to get as far away from the palace as possible and leave undetected. The palace was still guarded, but loosely, and you knew all the blind spots. Perks of hanging out with Shuri in your down time. You snuck out the side door in the west wing, which led to an unsuspecting dirt road, spotting the cab you had arranged for idling in the shadows. Having already placed your small luggage in the cab before going back to retrieve your son it only took you a moment to settle yourself and a sleeping Kweku in the car.  “What’s your destination?” the cab driver asked you curiously looking at your cloaked figure in the rear-view mirror. You took a deep breath and steadied your voice “Take us North, I’ll tell you where to stop.” The driver nodded his head and began the journey turning on a shitty American station that played pop music and country.   You’d never forget this day. To you, it was monumental because you had managed to pull it off but it was also the day when you turned your back on your duty, your kingdom, your husband and your crown. When that realization struck you, the tears slid down your face disobediently. No matter what, you vowed to never look back

Post CA:CW Fix It Stony Fanfics

Making Amends by TheseStoriesAreWrittenOnMyHeart

Summary: Everything about them happened in seconds. Their first meeting was quick, with Tony landing next to the Captain, each man giving a curt nod and name in greeting. Their argument on the hellicarrier took mere seconds to escalate. Until Steve was goading Tony into putting on the suit and going a few rounds and Tony not so subtly reminding Steve that he wasn’t afraid to hit an old man. It was only seconds of staring at Tony on that New York City Street, his arc reactor dark, no rise and fall of his chest, for Steve to know that inside the tin can, was a good man. Then Ultron happened, and it took seconds for their world to change, seconds for Steve to throw his shield at Tony and for the billionaire to send a repulsor blast back. They went from laughing and relaxing to standing on an edge thousands of feet above solid ground. And now…now everything’s changed. And all it took was a combination of seconds; of decisions made, actions performed and words spoken that they couldn’t get back. Just a few ticks of the clock for their world to shatter.

It’ll take more than that to make things right.

Note: This one deals with amending the accords. It is about how the avengers pick up after the civil war and how they learn to be friends again. It is an incredibly detailed and well written piece! Also, NO TEAM CAP OR TEAM IRON MAN BASHING. I was only supposed to re-read a few chapters to recall the story and give a few-word review but I ended up re-reading the whole goddamn thing. It’s a masterpiece. 

maybe love is the reason why (we're seeing it eye to eye) by parkrstark

Summary: "I'm sorry. Repeat that again." Tony leaned forward in his seat from across the table. He even stuck a finger in his ear as if he was cleaning it out. "I don't think I heard you right."

Fury rolled his eyes-- or well, eye. "You and Rogers need to go undercover as a married couple in a community out on Long Island."

--

After Civil War, Tony and Steve are sent on an undercover mission as a couple to try and find Hydra informants. Somehow, they end up with Peter as their undercover son who decides to play matchmaker even if the two of them are doing their best to ignore their feelings after Siberia.

Note: My latest Fix It read! It just completed today. This fic is a phenomenal read, with its fake relationship, superfamily, undercover, and sexual tension elements! A definite 1000/10!

and this is the map of my heart by CydSA

Summary: The Avengers are splintered - spread out across the world.

There are many things to regret. The biggest one is what could have been.

Tony refuses to have any more regrets. Steve realizes that perhaps he made the wrong choice.

It starts from here....

Note: Here is some sweet, sweet, Civil War Fix It. It dwells deep into the Accords, how Tony fixes it, and the downfall of Ross. 

floating point exception by ooka

There is something, he knows, to see a man as mortal. To see his fault lines and jagged edges instead of the smooth surface they present. Most people don’t like the illusion, whether it be good or not. They don’t want people like him to be human.

But that’s what he is, under the suit and the smile and the sunglasses. Under the bravo and the quick grins. He’s just a man, trying to hide his broken pieces, the dents in his heart, the washed out color of his soul. He’s just a man, trying to solve problems and make the world better. That’s why he’s Ironman, just a man in a suit. Nothing extra.

The place where the arc reactor used to rest in his chest aches so fiercely for a moment that Tony can’t breathe.

He takes in a few breaths and does what Tony does best - pushes it down and goes to work.

(Tony, after the Civil War. Post CA:CW)

Note: A 150k+ fanfic that is centered on Tony, his issues, and his struggles. PREPARE TO CRY.

Not Enough Scotch for this Matchmaking Scheme by desolateice:

Summary:  After Civil War and a lot of healing the Avengers are fed up with the stubborn silence between Steve and Tony and try to take things in their own hands.

Note: A Fix It where the ‘kids’ play matchmaker to bring their fighting ‘parents’ back together! 

Never Eye To Eye by vorkosigan for mrsgingles

Summary: After the Civli War, the Avengers were back together.

How is everything going, Tony? Pepper had asked in her email. It's fine (Tony had written back). I'm fighting with Steve all the time. Everything is going to hell. I'm okay (you know I'm always okay).

(Or: How Tony and Steve learned to be a bit gentler with each other)

Note: A 26k+ fic where Steve and Tony learned how to be friends again, and more. It deals with the struggles and frustrations they had just to salvage their friendship.  

Fly One More Time (Alternately Titled--The Phoenix) by RavenLost2187

Summary: Steve couldn't see them before.

But then he woke up and there they were.

There's a small problem though.

One of his teammates doesn't have wings like he should.

And that's Tony Stark

Note: Some winged fics anyone? This has a bit of a Team as Family element and not to mention that glorious Civil War fix it theme! 

What it’s worth by masterlokisev159

Summary:  Tony's scent is off. Wanda realizes why.

Note: Here is a Hurt and Comfort fic for you with a dash ABO elements in it! 

Sunrise Over the End of the World by Sapphic_Futurist

Summary: When Dr. Strange arrives at an Accords Committee Meeting and warns of the coming of an alien megalomaniac set on destroying the world, the Rogues are pardoned and Tony finds himself exactly where he never wanted to be. Back at the Compound with Steve, who still can't take a hint and won't leave him alone.

--

In which Tony is broken and Steve finds redemption.

Note: A Bad case of Tony acting like nothing happened and doing his goddamn best to avoid Steve. It’ll work all out in the end. Well, it will get worst first before that though.. 

We stand together (or not at all) by Jana_C

Summary:  It’s so easy to hate this man, so painfully easy. He’s the embodiment of rich, white male privilege. He’s irritatingly arrogant, and he doesn’t always think before acting, and even when he does, he manages to twist his logic around and shape it into something that will always benefit him, and yet, here he is, building the guy who killed his parents an arm, without having been asked; working his way through diplomacy and politics, even though he hates it with every fiber of his being, just so he can correct the mistakes all of them made. She watches him go and sighs, small and tired, before texting a single line to Steve. Get ready to come home.

Note: Anyone up for some Tony Whump and Appreciation fanfic? 

You Don’t Only Get One Shot by janonny

Summary: In which Tony voluntarily carries a tracker around, and learns how to talk to Steve all over again in-between and during kidnapping attempts.

“Leave you alone for two months, and you have an operation all set up to track wayward Hydra cells and rescue innocent billionaires,” Tony said, his tone skating the line of annoyance and admiration.

Note: a dose of Stalkerish!Steve (but not in an entirely creepy way because he just wants to keep Tony safe dammit). 

You've Got A Sister Now by ZaraMelMercury

Summary: It's been a year since the events of the Avengers' Civil War. Tony Stark is trying to pick up the pieces of his life, while juggling his work, his remaining friendships, getting therapy sessions for Rhodey and dealing with government politics, as well as the Accords.

It is a bit rough, but he's got Pepper (always a steady rock by his side), Rhodey, Happy and the Kid- Peter Parker. Tony would never admit to it up front and center, but you could always catch a proud look on the man's face whenever the young Spiderling was mentioned!

Life seemed to be looking up...

Except for one, minor detail:

Steve Rogers.

The hope for one reconciliation, surprisingly, led to another!

A new bond that would form that Tony would ultimately always be thankful for.

"Oh, I wanna take it back!... " "No, no, no, you can't retract it!"

Who would've thought it?

Tony Stark has a sister looking out for him, after all.

Note: Here are some Tony and Nat friendship for you! This one isn’t exactly a solid fix it but one with a more of hopeful ending. 

The Bro Code by Sullen

Summary: In a world where the Winter Soldier is found years earlier and is named Tony’s godfather, Zemo plays a different R-rated video and Siberia goes a little differently.Or –Steve breaks the bro code.

Note: This is just too cute and wholesome not to include. 

WIP

Used to be Mine by Fangirlingmanaged

Tony can't even recognize himself nowadays.

Note: This one certainly deserves a place at the heavy angst category because that’s what it is. HEAVY ANGST AND HEARTBREAK.

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

i think the new episode snapped me like a toothpick i can’t stop writing analysis:

the problem with sam and bucky’s relationship right now is that they fundamentally do not understand each other. the way they react to things are so completely different and they come from such different backgrounds, and they haven’t bridged that gap yet.

sam talks when he’s upset. he won’t take shit from anyone. he may not show he’s hurting but he will show his anger or frustration—also often to cover up his hurt. sam will open up when he’s angry, but i don’t think he will when he is hurt emotionally—i think that bucky’s anger at him over giving up the shield did hit him hard and he responded with anger in that therapy session because of that. but in general, sam is well-spoken and will communicate with words when he has an opinion. sam invites others to communicate with him (from asking bucky if he’s alright to asking him if he can accept that sam did what he thought was right), but he’s not going to sit there and take someone’s anger when the communication is not returned.

bucky clams up when he’s genuinely upset. he’ll refuse to talk about what bothers him and build up all that pain and anger that just eats at him inside. he acts angry but that anger is always surface level, always about unimportant things, like sam videoing his fall from the plane. for the real and important things that make him angry or bring back trauma, he doesn’t talk about it. even after being in therapy a while he still lies about having nightmares. he isn’t honest or open both from decades of practice and out of fear of being condemned, for others to see him the way he sees himself. bucky prefers action over words and recently that’s manifested in intense glaring because he doesn’t want to be the person that punches his way out of a situation anymore.

for them to get to a better place, bucky needs to understand that sam’s relationship with the shield has nothing to do with him, and that his opinion on the shield in relation to sam really is not important in light of sam’s own experiences. he needs to work to communicate more about what he is thinking and feeling. sam needs to see that bucky’s anger and refusal to communicate come out of a place of pain, and see bucky’s need for someone to believe that he is fundamentally good.

they made steps in this episode, despite the whole “we’ll never see each other again.” bucky opened up about why the shield was so personal to him, even if it was on accident. sam asked bucky if he was alright and bucky trusted him enough to bring him to see isaiah.

and on their life experiences and how it led them to their above personalities—and isaiah—if you’d like:

so we FINALLY know a bit about sam’s past. his family was close and they had a (shrimp? idk) business. at some point, sam left to join the military and become the falcon, and judging from his interactions with his sister (sarah), he kind of drifted apart from his family. there’s tension between them about the family boat and business, both because sam was blipped (i HATE that word) and because even before that it seems like he didn’t have a lot of family life. sarah says something like “right your wrongs” to him about coming back and helping out.

bucky’s family life seemed really good, in CATFA. he basically tried to adopt steve after his mom died. bucky ALSO joined the military, like sam, though they were like 60 years apart. then he ‘died.’ so i think it would be safe to say at this point that everyone bucky knew from before hydra is dead, except steve. bucky spent 90 years brainwashed to kill and he wants to be free of it but he can’t. he doesn’t think he deserves forgiveness for it, but it also breaks him to think of the hatred he thinks people must feel toward him. yori being a prime example.

the comparison: sam has people. bucky doesn’t. sam learned how to communicate. bucky spent 90 years without ever doing so.

(in similarities: both bucky and sam are trying to make amends, though. sam to his family, bucky to the people he hurt as the winter soldier.)

and then the contrast that was a key theme in this episode: sam is black, bucky is white. bucky will never understand sam’s experience. i do hope he will come to understand that sam’s america is different than bucky’s america and how that ties into the shield.

that one isaiah line god. “you think you can wake up one day and decide who you want to be? maybe people like you can.” or close to that i didn’t check the exact quote. bucky never had a choice, and i think that line hit too close to home for him, because how does he go back to who he was before the winter soldier? he can’t. but then the last part of that line. bucky is white, and this ep really did call out the privilege in that. bucky has more autonomy about who he wants to be, because he’s white. isaiah has never had any choice and he’s suffered so much for it. no one cared about a black man as a super soldier. he was viewed as an experiment instead of a person.

If you have the time can you please please please recap season 4 of riverdale. I was going to binge it on Netflix but things happen and then I saw your post about the graduation episode and HAD to watch that happen and now I’m recommitted to the cause and need to know what happened while I was gone

sure. okay so the season sadly starts with the death of fred andrews in a very sentimental and moving episode that’s kind of seperate from the rest of the show so it’s not really until episode two that things kick off. the riverteens are kind of thriving in a parentless world because milf alice was kidnapped by a cult, dilf hiram and milf hermione are in prison, milf penelope is in hiding after killing a bunch of people, milf mary is kind of just There, milf gladys went back to toledo after her drug empire failed, god knows what milf sierra and gay kevin’s straight former cop dad are off doing, and dilf fp is the sheriff but because it’s fp he’s kind of bad at it. so the riverteens are horrified when their new principal mr honey expects them to be at school on time and disapproves of them throwing school dances because students keep getting murdered at them. cheryl, who an episode prior never wanted anyone in riverdale to celebrate the 4th of july ever again because of her brother’s death, considers this an act of oppression and throws a party at her house. however, as she is keeping her brother’s mummified corpse in the basement, she gets angry when reggie tries to sneak down there. meanwhile gay kevin is trying to make amends with betty for the time he tried to have her lobotomised because of the cult led by chad michael murray. betty uses this to her advantage to find out where the cult is, teaming up with her half brother, charles (not to be confused with chic, who was only PRETENDING to be charles back in season two). archie gets munroe, his prison buddy, to attend riverdale high, and reggie is weirdly jealous about it. archie discovers that this is because reggie is being abused by his father, so they smash in his car and apparently this solves everything. jughead starts attending stonewall prep, where he meets bret weston wallis, donna sweett, joan berkeley, and jonathan. he also reunites with moose, who disappeared in mid s3 after cheryl outed him to the whole school including his homophobic dad, and then his homophobic dad dressed up as the gargoyle to try and stop moose and gay kevin hooking up in the sex bunker they stole from dilton doiley after he killed himself, but it turns out that his homophobic dad was just angry HE never got to fuck gay kevin’s straight cop dad back in the day. it was this whole thing. anyway, moose is like “i’m going by my real name, marmaduke now, so people don’t find out about my dad” but everyone does anyway and so moose mysteriously disappears again. betty finds out where the cult is (after disarming a bomb attached to her sister polly using a bobby pin) and goes to rescue her mother. milf alice reveals that chad michael murray is using the cult money to build a rocket, and his wife/fake daughter evelyn is going to drive a bus full of cultists off a cliff. the day is saved! veronica finds out that her father’s real surname is luna and decides to start going by that as an act of rebellion because he keeps leaving the prison that he owns to fuck with her after she had him arrested. archie decides to turn his gym into a community centre with munroe’s help. cheryl, who, for unknown reasons, obtained custody of polly’s twins, immediately fires the nanny that toni hired because he said there were probably rats in the walls and went into the basement. cheryl goes to make sure that the nanny didn’t interfere with her brother’s mummified corpse, and toni walks in on her stitching him up. videotapes start arriving at the homes of the riverdale residents of said homes being filmed for hours. onto halloween! toni tells cheryl they can’t have a dead body in the horse and makes her rebury jason, at which point cheryl claims she is being haunted by a doll named julian, who is supposedly possessed by the spirit of her other brother that she ate in utero, but the haunting will stop if they unbury jason. toni agrees, but the doll continues to appear in weird places, and cheryl is forced to confess that while she WAS gaslighting her before, she isn’t right now. betty bonds with charles while receiving prank phone calls from polly, who is now in a mental institution. archie and munroe try to throw a halloween party at their community centre for the troubled youths but it’s interrupted by a drug dealing gang trying to start shit in the parking lot, thus giving archie a new enemy. reggie destroys mr honey’s office for the joke but mr honey catches him and is like “you do this because your dad hits you.” jughead uncovers mysteries surrounding strange disappearances of prep students known as “the stonewall four,” and donna drugs him so she and bretjoanjonathan can lock him in a coffin overnight as a bit. meanwhile, veronica burns a man alive in her basement. archie becomes a teen vigilante for the millionth time in the series, jughead and the other stonewall stags go into the running to be the ghostwriter for the baxter brothers franchise, veronica gets her mother out of prison but then finds out that her half sister, hermosa the PI, got their father out of prison, and he is now mayor again. betty and gay kevin start an fbi training course in which betty realises the serial killer gene is a real thing and she does have it, and remembers when she killed her childhood cat. jughead finds out that his grandfather who drunk himself to death but also abandoned fp but is also just some guy ACTUALLY wrote the baxter brothers franchise and is like “i have to reveal this!” so he takes it to his english teacher mr chipping but then mr chipping jumps out of a window before anything can come of it, and jughead is horrified when the stonewall stags have no reaction. cheryl is still convinced she is being haunted by a doll and things are further complicated when her extended family shows up. her uncle discovers jason’s body in the basement, threatens to send cheryl away, and is killed by toni. speaking of death, archie is still on his vigilante shit and asks hiram for help, at which point the near dead body of the gang leader, dodger shows up wrapped in carpet outside of the community centre. betty visits chic in prison to find out more about charles, and when chic threatens to reveal where milf alice buried the man she killed back in season two, charles and fp go to dig it up again and move it somewhere else. to get her family away from her and also in the spirit of thanksgiving, cheryl makes them think that they ate her uncle. dodger’s family show up at the community centre thanksgiving for revenge and there’s almost a shoot out, but thankfully the deep fryer explodes and chaos is avoided! milf mary later suggests the deep fryer exploding was archie’s dead dad’s ghost. betty and jughead spend the weekend at stonewall prep, where they play a homoerotic game of never have i ever with bret and donna. donna says that she and mr chipping were having an affair. now it’s time for the gang to go to therapy: archie gets diagnosed with gay but is also just suffering from an insane guilt complex, betty has mommy issues, veronica has daddy issues, cheryl is being gaslit but did NOT eat her brother in utero, jughead is just some guy. jughead finds out where his abusive alcoholic grandfather has been hiding out, and meanwhile his dad gets shot. veronica decides to fight back against her father by starting a rival rum business. polly rips off a nurse’s face and betty finds out that everyone in her family has a trigger word instilled in them by the cult, so she imagines herself going back in time to STOP her child self killing her cat to learn how to control it. cheryl uncovers her gaslighter by literally gassing her house, and it’s revealed that milf penelope was living in the walls and mad that cheryl had jason’s body. cheryl reburies jason and imprisons her mother in the sex bunker. archie’s uncle shows up, just in time for football season! the riverteens are playing stonewall prep, and reggie reveals that the preppies fight dirty, just in time for them to tonya harding munroe’s knees as he is their star player. archie’s uncle gives munroe steroids so he can play anyway, and riverdale loses but munroe gets a scholarship. cheryl feuds with her new cheerleading coach and locks her in her office so she has a panic attack. hiram threatens to sue veronica for stealing his rum recipe, so she teams up with cheryl (maple syrup queen) to create a new type. jughead joins the stonewall prep secret society, the quill and skull, and reveals that he watched a homeless man die. also, the cheerleading team performs cherry bomb. betty starts feuding with bret and decides to stand off against him in a quiz show, and although she wins, she is accused of cheating and is forced to give it up. she also wanted to use this to try and get into yale because apparently “cooper” is an uncommon name and people associate it with her serial killer father. veronica and cheryl enlist milf penelope and her former brothel in a hotel to run their underground rum dealership after hiram kept fucking shit up at veronica’s speakeasy. jughead is forced to come up with new stories for his baxter brother books, and so he writes about betty’s serial killer father (uh oh!) archie tries to restart his father’s construction company but his uncle’s shenanigans make it hard and gay kevin’s straight former cop dad has HAD IT. fangs is back from cult recovery, but gay kevin has gotten into non sexual tickle porn. toni and fangs get in on this they use this to blackmail nick st clair after he returns and understandably upsets cheryl, his would be rape victim. archie is attacked in the bathrooms at school because his uncle can’t mind his own business, but this plot was fucking boring so i don’t remember most of it. jughead and bret decided to duel, because of course, and betty uses this as a chance to investigate the preppies further. she finds out that bret films sex tapes and blackmailed moose with one, and also has one of her and jughead. she also finds a video suggesting donna lied about her affair with mr chipping. veronica goes to new york to visit katy keene, played by lucy hale of fantasy island fame, who tells her that her mother is dying. veronica returns home just in time to hear that hiram has a mysterious disease and decides to make amends. jughead is accused of plagiarism, meanwhile veronica realises her father thrives off war, and continues their rum battle. archie is now drinking at school and veronica accuses mr honey of being a fascist for having a problem with it. BUT. MOST IMPORTANTLY. ALL SEASON WE HAVE BEEN TEASED WITH DEADHEAD. AND IT IS FINALLY HAPPENING. IDES OF MARCH PARTY AT STONEWALL PREP. AND BETTY BASHES JUGHEAD’S HEAD IN WITH A ROCK. betty tries to prove that the stonewall stags did it instead but donna is an insane lesbian and thrives off gaslighting and fucking with her. because jughead died, betty gets his spot at yale. the core four are accused of murder but cleared of everything. jughead has a funeral, and bret’s attempt of proving jughead isn’t in the casket are thwarted by the sweet pea, the sweetest pea in the room. hiram shows up just to fire fp as sheriff. betty kisses archie to help with her grief, and veronica ends things with them both. but donna is not convinced, and goes around stalking betty, saying she watched her sex tape and knows that betty couldn’t last so long without sex with jughead. and she is right! because lo and behold, jughead is alive and hiding in the sex bunker, despite donna’s best attempts to catch them out. donna knows they’re up to something and implies she killed jonathan when bret doubts her. betty and archie are like “yeah we only dated for the bit :/” but their texting implies it was...more. betty and jughead return to stonewall and expose the preppies, but they decide not to interview jonathan because he “has food poisoning.” or he’s dead. their other teacher kills himself, and fp reunites with his abusive father. betty discovers that donna’s grandmother was one of the people killed for the rights to the baxter brothers/tracy true franchise, and the entire scheme was a complicated revenge plot by donna to get back at their teacher for killing her grandmother. betty blackmails her with this information so donna can’t have the tracy true contract, and everything is “wrapped up” just in time for gay kevin to announce he’s doing a variety show. gay kevin’s intentions of performing hedwig are destroyed when mr honey is like “no, this is inappropriate for high schoolers,” and so the riverteens decide to band together and have everyone perform hedwig songs as an act of protest. meanwhile, betty and jughead fight because jughead didn’t do his homework because he was too busy watching the stalker vhs tapes, and veronica and archie fight because he lied about her father working out at his gym, given that hiram has tried to kill him multiple times and doesn’t really care about his health. betty and archie use this as an opportunity to kiss during origin of love. the variety show is cancelled, but the core four and gay kevin perform midnight radio on the roof, and jughead watches a stalker vhs tape of someone in a betty mask killing someone in a jughead mask. tickle porn shenanigans continue, and gay kevin is threatened over cheating his original tickle porn handler out of money. mr honey then forces them to shut the website down. cheryl leaves the rum business after her mother is threatened because of goons that were mad at hiram. hiram decides to deal with this by going after said goons. archie writes a song for betty, they explore their relationship further, but she picks jughead over him even when he says he’ll dump veronica for her. jughead discovers that ethel watched his and betty’s sex tape, and he and charles uncover blue velvet video, which houses sexy films and snuff films, and jughead is like “oh this is connected to the whole vhs stalker thing.” cheryl is sent a video of someone dressed up as her father killing someone dressed up as her brother. the riverteens turn their focus to the fact that all of them except archie and jughead have been banned from prom for various reasons, and betty suggests they kill mr honey as punishment. jughead writes an elaborate murder fantasy about them doing so, and also kills off reggie and drives cheryl insane for the bit i guess. the riverteens conclude that mr honey was behind the vhs stalker tapes and have him fired, and he tells them they’re all deranged before going to teach at stonewall prep. the school secretary tells them all the wonderful things mr honey did for the school and hands jughead a recommendation letter he wrote him for college. jughead realises they fucked up and rewrites his story so mr honey lives, but uh oh! he and betty uncover a vhs tape of their fictional murder of mr honey, much like the others.

and that’s what you missed on riverdale!

Eddie Diaz Week Day 4: “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt

buck/eddie, 1.7k. [read on ao3]

Somehow, it’s always in the middle of the night halfway through a gruelling shift that Bobby finds Eddie going through some shit.

Their last call was a nightmare, more people DOA than still alive, and even more they lost on scene. It’s been silent at the station since they got back, most of them trying to find comfort one way or another, dispersing to call their loved ones if they can, or into the bunk room to try and block everything out.

Buck has stuck close to Eddie’s side the whole time, both to comfort and to be comforted. It should be scary, how well Buck knows him, that he knows exactly what Eddie needs without ever having to hear him say it.

Eddie never wants to talk after these kinds of things, doesn’t see the point in rehashing things he can’t change anymore. And he’s never been particularly great at talking about his feelings, still isn’t.

Buck knows all of that and respects it, even though he’s way more of a talker than Eddie is. He hasn’t tried to broach the subject with Eddie at all, but he’s been by his side since they got back to the station, a solid warmth at his shoulder, reminding Eddie that he’s here and alive. So Eddie knows Buck hasn’t talked about it either.

Earlier, they’d been sitting at the table next to each other, touching from shoulders down to their ankles, and Buck had taken out the notebook his therapist had suggested he get for when he can’t talk about what’s going on in his head. Eddie sat next to him while he scribbled into it, and something ugly twisted in his gut.

Here he was, right next to Buck, having gone through the same damn thing, making him write his thoughts down instead of just talking to him. And Buck never even seemed to hold it against him.

Now he’s asleep with his head pillowed on Eddie’s lap, curled in on himself and one hand gripping the fabric of Eddie’s pants tightly.

Eddie can’t sleep. There’s a war going on inside of him, two equally big emotions fighting for dominance.

On one hand, there’s the tenderness and love he feels for Buck, the wish to protect him from everything coming their way. On the other, there is the guilt and self-loathing he feels for putting himself first anyway, for prioritising his aversion to talking over Buck’s need to. How can he do that to the man he loves?

“Eddie,” Bobby’s quiet voice interrupts his thoughts as their captain sits down opposite him, a worried frown on his face. “Are you alright?”

And maybe it’s that they’ve had these middle of the night conversations often enough already for Eddie to be used to opening up eventually, but Bobby doesn’t have to do any prying before it bursts out of him. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him.”

Bobby’s eyebrows raise. “Buck?”

Eddie gives an aborted shrug and can’t quite look Bobby in the eyes. He’s spilled his guts to the poor guy so many times, he shouldn’t be embarrassed anymore - but he doesn’t want to see the pity on Bobby’s face. Doesn’t deserve that either.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because,” Eddie swallows, trying to find words for what he’s feeling, “he’s too good for me. I mean...you know how he is, Bobby. He gives so much of himself to make other people happy, to make me happy, and I...I can’t even meet him halfway. What do I have to offer?”

“I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself, Eddie.”

“Am I, though? I take and I take without giving anything back. I was a bad husband to Shannon, I’m a bad boyfriend to Buck, he would be better off without me dragging him down-”

“Have you talked to Buck about this?” Bobby interrupts, and Eddie lets out a bitter laugh.

“No, because I can’t even do that, can’t do it when it comes to my feelings or his, and now he doesn’t think he can talk to me about things like what happened tonight, but what would I even say, Bobby? I don’t know how to help, I never have the right words anyway.”

Bobby sighs. “We had a rough call tonight, Eddie, and everyone deals with it in their own way. And that’s okay! I’m sure Buck doesn’t expect anything more than what you can give from you. But for what it’s worth, I think you should try to talk to him about this anyway. If only to hear it from him.”

“Why are you so sure of what he’ll say?”

“Because I know him. And so do you, when you’re not too busy feeling guilty for things you aren’t guilty of.”

Eddie purses his lips, trying to keep the tears he can feel welling up at bay. “So you don’t think I’m acting like an egoistic asshole? Cause I’m pretty sure I am.”

“If you really think you only take from Buck and don’t give anything back to him, you need to talk to him even more than I thought you did.”

Bobby sounds almost disappointed, and it kind of knocks Eddie off balance. He seems to think it’s so obvious that Eddie is wrong. It makes him want to consider that maybe he isn’t looking at things very objectively right now.

“You make that man so happy,” Bobby continues, and his voice softens. “He has had to go through so much, and you were there for him through it all. He felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, and you gave him a family.”

“We all did that, though.”

“Yes, and we mean it - but it’s different with you. You gave him Christopher, and not just that: you gave him your trust with your son, and I think you quite literally saved him with that.” Bobby also has tears in his eyes now and Eddie swallows thickly. “My point is, you don’t have to talk about everything, Eddie, that’s not who you are. But some things need to be talked about, especially if they make you sit here and hate yourself if you don’t. You don’t deserve that, Eddie.”

Eddie wipes his eyes and gives Bobby a small smile. “Thanks, Cap.”

“Try and catch some sleep too, hm? I’m sure you’ll feel better after.”

Eddie nods and watches as Bobby walks away, feeling much better than before. He still doesn’t feel great about essentially leaving Buck alone to process, but hearing Bobby say that there are things he’s given Buck - maybe it’s not as bad as he thought it was. Clearly, he’s a work in progress, and clearly, he still needs to work on both communication and self-image.

Buck’s hand on his knee uncurls from the fabric of his pants, and Eddie sighs, running a careful hand through Buck’s hair.

“Did you hear any of that?”

“Most of it,” Buck murmurs and sits up, looking at Eddie. “I wasn’t sleeping very deeply when you two started talking.”

Eddie looks down at his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry. For leaving you alone to deal with it.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, scooting closer and taking Eddie’s hands in his, squeezing until Eddie squeezes back. “Eddie, listen to me. Is...is that what you think happened? Cause it’s not what I remember. You haven’t left my side since the last call, have you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t talk to you about it.” He sounds ashamed when he says it, and still feels the guilt heavy on his chest.

“Did I ask you to talk about it? No. I know you don’t like talking about the rough calls, but that’s not even why I didn’t say anything. You were there right next to me, and that was all I needed. All I need. You always give me exactly what I need.” He lets go of one of Eddie’s hands and places his free one at the back of Eddie’s neck, leaning down until he can meet Eddie’s eyes. “If I wanted anything else, I would’ve asked, or gone to someone else.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, reaching out until he can get a hand on Buck’s shirt, wanting to be closer still.

“I love you, you idiot,” Buck says softly, following the pull from Eddie’s hand and pressing his forehead to Eddie’s. “And like Bobby said - you’ve given me so much, and you make me so damn happy. You’re the one person I trust with absolutely everything, and before you, no one’s ever given me that kind of trust back. When all that shit was happening with my parents, you were the only one I felt like I could talk to about everything, and you listened, and understood. You know me, Eddie, and I know you. And even when we deal with things differently sometimes, I know you’re always there for me. Do you know how long it took me to accept that I was deserving of your love? Many therapy sessions, you can believe that. But I learned that we’re both imperfect people with flaws and with baggage, but all that matters is that we make each other happy.”

Smiling, Eddie brushes their noses together softly. “You’re so smart sometimes.”

Buck snorts. “Asshole.”

Eddie presses a kiss to his lips, then another. “I love you, too. And thank you. For putting up with me and my moods.”

“It’s not “putting up with you”,” Buck says seriously, leaning back a little so he can look at Eddie. “I love all of you. Insecurities and self-doubts included, even though I wish you didn’t feel them. And you deserve that love, Eds.”

“God,” Eddie groans, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that are threatening to spill again. “I love you so much.”

Buck laughs a little and pulls him all the way in, holding him close. “I know, but you definitely need some sleep now, you’re not usually this teary. Come on, we can even share a bunk and endure the inevitable teasing tomorrow and probably for the rest of our lives.”

Eddie grins and cuddles even closer to Buck. “I can live with that.”

With Buck by his side, it sometimes feels like he can withstand everything.