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Hi! Love your writing, it's really good! If it doesn't bother you, could you do a yugi amane (when it was alive) x a sick reader. Thank you!

forgive me friend for not doing this ;-; i hope you understand since this year has been so hectic. i don’t think this is my most best work but hey i tried hhh i still feel really confused when on tumblr so forgive me for that as well

Amane Yugi x sick reader 

It was a normal day for everyone, that is, everyone except for Yugi Amane. His honey coloured eyes didn’t have that playful twinkle it always had and instead was narrowed in what seemed like concern. They darted over to the door of the classroom too much for his comfort, wondering if your bubbly figure would come any moment now. No one noticed it since it was only reg and most students were talking to each other. Yes, it was only reg, it would be fine, you’d come in at any time now. his thoughts were a mirage of worry and what-ifs that made his head swirl. However, the sounds of his reg class laughing and talking started to drown out those thoughts. He folded his arms and laid his head flat against the desk. With his swirling thoughts, the noise only worsened his mood and slowly turned into a headache. People could be so annoying sometimes. 

In the end, you didn’t come. 

Amane was at first worried since you believed in perfect attendance, wondering out loud where you were to his brother at break. He had looked at him and blinked with a smile, pointing out one big detail that Amane seemed to have missed “Amane, it was raining really hard yesterday, remember? She might have just got sick! Don’t worry too much,’kay?” Amane looked at his brother with a face of realisation, mouth-blown out like an ‘o’ while his eyes regained its twinkle. That was right, the huge droplets of water had refused to let go of their reign of the land when it was time to go home, and so through critical deduction of solutions, you and Tsukasa had a race to see who could run home the fastest. 

Amane had voiced his concerns for the idea, but since you and his brother had already shot out into the rain, he sighed and followed the two of you but more slowly and of course with an umbrella. He didn’t know how Tsukasa wasn’t worried for you since it wasn’t like you to be off at all. You had once come into school when you had a tummy bug and made a scene when you ran to the nearest bathroom. If you went to school with an upset stomach, this must be even more serious. Amane was also confused about how Tsukasa didn’t get sick himself but didn’t bother to ask since it would have been a stupid question. 

Even if Tsukasa said not to worry, of course, Amane started to worry more. It was like him after all, even if he rarely showed it. So when it was time to go home, he told Tsukasa to go home without him while he checked up on you. Tsukasa just smiled and nodded, not even asking if he could join him. Amane walked up to your house and opened the gate, walking in without forgetting to close it again. With three long strides to the front door, he knocked on the door loudly. 

...No one came to the door. 

He was expecting this. At least kind of. Your parents worked a lot and would leave you to your own devices. If you didn’t come and get the door then…

Amane frowned. Now he knew that you definitely weren’t okay. It didn’t sit right with him to just leave you alone to suffer from your illness. He’d feel like a bad friend since he knew of your sickness and didn’t try to help you. He looked around and settled on lifting a gardening pot that was laid on the ground near the front door to see if anything was under it and was relieved to see that a spare key was hidden there. Using it, he opened the door and walked in. 

He felt a bit weird intruding into your house without notifying you first. It’s not as if he was breaking in, so why did it feel like it? Shaking the feeling off, he closed the door and took off his shoes peering through the main hallway of the house. “...Hello? [Y/n]?” Amane called out softly into the house. Silence echoed back and Amane’s eyes only narrowed in response. He left this bag slumped near the door of the house and slowly made his ascent to your room. The room was the nearest to him and was marked with your name etched into it to claim the room as yours. 

Slowly, he opened the door, and instantly saw the darkness that enveloped it. The only light he saw was the small, dim beams of sunlight that peeked through from the curtains and to your bed. From what he could see, he could see your normally energetic self curled into a small ball, almost motionless if it weren’t for the slow breaths that you took. You looked wrecked, your normally soft hair now wet with sweat and stuck onto your forehead. Your eyes were shut closed in pain it seemed and your laboured breaths sounded wheezy and sore. 

Amane frowned at this, the sight of you that sick made his heart writhe in pain. So with a quick smile, he set to work.

———-

Today had to be one of your worst days. 

When you woke up, you woke up sticky and sore at nearly five in the morning. Your eyes felt like they had been staring into the sun for at least a day which left you with the rest of your senses to fend for you, but one problem, the rest of your senses weren’t even working. Your sense of smell was almost null since your nose kept on being blocked and the feeling of sneezing never left. Anything you touched felt warm to you and made you want to creep away from it from how warm you already felt. Your hearing was affected by your sense of smell, leaving you partly deaf as well. 

Your mother had scolded you, saying how it was silly what you had done the day before. And through the whole lecture, your head and everything else got worse so you couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying. In the end, she had left you alone in the house to go to work since it was too late to ask to be off today. Your dad was on a business trip that day and wouldn’t be home until late that week, so now you had no one to help you. But that was alright because all you wanted to do was to sleep.

When you opened your eyes for the first time since that morning, the first thing you comprehended was a wet and cold sensation on the top of your forehead. The next thing you noticed was a quiet hum of a song beside you. It sounded like a lullaby, coaxing you to sleep once more. It had made you smile, and before you knew it, you opened your eyes. The stinging hadn’t left, but at least you didn’t feel like opening them was a chore. The ceiling of your room was blurry, colours swirling in and out of view before a face appeared along with a smile. “Am I...dead?” You blurted out which made the owner of the face laugh a bit, sounding relieved to hear your voice. Then, hands reached out to your forehead and took off the cold that caressed your face. You groaned at the lack of comfort that brought, but as soon as you did, the face brought the cold back but only this time it was even colder and slightly wetter. You sighed in relief, the rush of oxygen actually feeling nice. 

“No, you’re not dead,” the figure teased, and it was when you heard that familiar teasing and playful voice that you realised that the figure that was taking care of you was none other than Amane. Your eyes shot open as your mouth drew agape, panic and disbelief flooding your system when you realised that your best friend was the one taking care of you and not an angelic being from the clouds above. As soon as your head moved off the pillow, a rush of pain shot up your spine and into your head, making it apparent that you were also dehydrated. Amane, surprised at the sudden movement, slowly pushed you back down into the bed and placed the fallen wet cloth back on your forehead. 

“Why are you here? You should be at your house!” You whined pathetically, glaring at him with as much annoyance as you could muster in that time. But seeing Amane’s worried lopsided smile made you sigh and look away, letting Amane continue with what he was doing. 

The look made it very obvious to you that he wasn’t going anywhere. At least, not in a long time. He was the type of person that didn’t have a lot of friends and the friends that he did have he cherished like gold. Pushing him away would be futile and you knew it even if you were only a young teenager. But knowing that Amane too was a young teenager looking after you didn’t sit well with you either, so you opened your mouth to- “Don’t try, you’re too sick to move,” you turned back to Amane with a dumbfounded look. What? How did he know? With a smile he giggled at your confused expression “I live with a brother who gets sick like this sometimes. I’m used to it so don’t worry,” you pouted at that. It didn’t make you feel any less bad, but since he knew what he was doing put you at ease, you were at least a bit more compliant. 

Amane babied you, helping you to sit up so you could read books on your shelf or just to keep you company. He brought you some soup your mother had quickly made for you and spoon-fed you despite your flustered attempts to make him stop. This only made him tease you more as he pretended it was an aeroplane like you would do for a toddler. Soon, the afternoon turned to evening, and Amane watched as your slightly more energetic self turned more and more tired until opening your eyes seemed like a chore. He had deemed it late enough and coaxed you into lying down, tucking you into bed. After keeping you company and also looking after you for the day he realised he too was tired. Now he just wanted to sleep. 

“Goodbye [Y/n],” he said softly, seeing the way your eyes barely stayed open. You were fighting sleep, and for someone as sick as you, sleep would be very important for you “Get well soon, I’ll check up on you tomorrow,” he turned to leave, but before he could, you had grasped his hand to make him stay. 

“It’s too late now, isn’t it? Don’t go now. I’ll feel worried for you,”

Amane looked out the window and noticed that it indeed was late. The street lamps were on, headlights of cars zoomed past leaving streaks of white in their wake and the sound of the crickets had finally made its way to his ears. Looking back to you, he saw the way that you were sitting up a bit since you reached out to grab his hand. Your eyes were pleading, of course, something you would muster to make Amane stay since he couldn’t say no to any puppy eyes, especially yours or Tsukasa’s. The reasonable answer was to stay with you since at night it was much more dangerous. So as Amane weighed his options, he let out a sigh and nodded, slipping under the covers with you. In your tired state, you had wrapped your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder. Amane was almost sure that with this close proximity that he was going to get sick as well, but for him it was worth it since he was able to hug you for a night.

“Mmm love you Amane,”

Amane felt his cheeks light up. Was that an accident? It must be. Maybe you just meant it platonically. Why was he even thinking about that? Of course, you meant it platonically. Was he getting sick already? Yeah, that had to be it. Smiling he closed his eyes, already feeling more tired than he was a second ago. 

“...love you too,”

Amane was definitely sick. But his sickness was an entirely different sickness than the one that you had.

The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 1

Hello everyone!! I’ve finally gotten around to posting a fanfic of Cillian, below you will find details of the first chapter. It is not a READER x CILLIAN fic, I am not a fan of writing those types and find it too tedious. So, you will be given a premade character. But you are most welcome to imagine yourself as the girl ;)

Please leave a like or any comments below on ways to improve, please be kind but you are welcome to be critical! I’m open to ideas and fixing up mistakes. Also, sharing would be amazing!!

Note, PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!! 

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Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 4,080

Warnings: None.

Date: March 2016

Chapter Name: The Internship of a Lifetime

Brief Chapter Outline: Gabrijela leaves her parents in Sydney after a big argument about her Internship. She arrives at Heathrow tired and restless, only to be approached by a man…

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The drive to the airport was long and quiet. Gabrijela watched out the window of the car, watching the houses and the cars drive by. Thinking of the trip ahead. She had worked quite hard the last couple of years, to prove herself to her teacher and to her family. Especially to her family who were the harshest critics of her very own life. But at least her teacher was proud, she loved the portfolio Gabrijela had pulled together in the final year of her studies. And she would bring it with her, to show to the new teacher she will have in London. 

The last few weeks were the worst for her, constant arguing with her mother and father, over this trip. It hurt her the most, she thought she would have made them proud. But no, it seemed it made them angry. She shut her eyes, it didn’t matter now, she made it this far and she was going to enjoy the year on the set of a TV Show, learning how to be a fashion designer, how to create and tailor for actors and actresses. It made her giddy with excitement. It wasn’t long before the airport came into view, her father pulled into the multilevelled parking and parked. They were four hours early, so they killed time by walking around and eating. Chatter was light, anything to keep her parents distracted by the thought of their only daughter flying away. But, the time came around and they headed to the departures gate. “Please, be safe.” Her mother, Liljana, frowned, hugging her daughter tightly. Gabrijela held her close, she would miss them a lot, despite the rocky relationship that has sprung between them. “If anything happens, call us right away, no matter the time. Don’t do anything that will cause you harm--” “Dad, I’ll be fine. I swear. I’m twenty-five, I’m not a child anymore.” Gab cut her stern-looking father off. He sucked in a breath, “Don’t you--” “Nikola,” Her mother snapped, “Our daughter will be late.” Her father sighed, tears lining his eyes as he hugged her tightly. “Please, please take care. You know we love you.” He murmured. “I know. I love you, I love you both.” She pulled her mother into the hug and they held each other for a bit. Gabrijela pulled away, tears falling down her cheeks. She spoke in her language, Croatian, “I love you.” She had said and picked up her bags and headed to the gate, she turned to wave goodbye to her parents before she set off on the long flight.

23 Hours Later…

It was 9am when she had landed at Heathrow Airport. The flight was long and exhausting, she couldn’t sleep the whole way, she never could sleep on aeroplanes anyway. She rubbed her eyes as she lugged her massive suitcase and a smaller one with a heavy handbag. Once out of customs, she stood in the middle, checking her paperwork. She was told someone would pick her up and take her to her apartment in London. She looked around, she hadn’t seen anyone holding a sign or… seemed to be the type to be picking up anyone. “Great.” She groaned, she had no way of contacting the number, she had to get herself a sim card of some sort and access to wifi. She rubbed her forehead, she was gross all over, sleep-deprived and annoyed. “Hello, are you Gabrijela?” An accented male voice got her to turn around. The man was absolutely stunning, sharp-angled jaw, piercing blue eyes, thousands of freckles… Cillian was handsome on TV but in person… She was blown away. She didn’t see he held out a hand, and she shook herself back to reality. “H-Hi, yes that’s me.” She took his hand, warm and strong. “I’m Cillian, I believe you were expecting someone else.” He said, his smile was literally breathtaking. “Uh, yeah. Allison, she was uh, supposed to pick me up.” She nodded, setting down her small carry on luggage. “Yeah, she’s been quite sick the last few days. So, I took up on the offer to pick you up.” He explained. Gabrijela felt her heart skip a beat, he offered? “Aw, thank you. That’s, that’s super sweet of you.” She flashed him a grin. “Always. Come on, let’s get you out of here. You look exhausted.” He grabbed the biggest luggage and her carry on. “Oh no, let me carry that.” She started to grab it. “Don’t worry, it’s no bother.” He said. Another smile made her blush. Together they walked towards the elevator. It was nice outside, a little on the cooler side but she liked the cold weather despite it being almost summer here. They squished into the elevator, moving as far back as possible as people crammed in. She was crushed against the body of the Irish man, a soft chuckle reverberated through him. Her heart was hammering in her chest, the ride up felt like forever. A ride she didn’t want to end, she thought. But, like all things, it came to an end and they stepped out. They came to his car, a BMW of some sort. She whistled, “Favourite car ever.” She said as she helped him stuff her bags into the back. “Yeah, I love it. Fast and comfortable and a touch of luxury.” Cillian said as he held open the door for her. “Thank you.” She hastily got in, the interior was leather and dark. And smelled like… the ocean and a hint of forest. Cillian got in and started up the car, it came alive with a low hum. “Do you have the address of where you are staying?” “Oh yes, here I’ll read it out,” Gab said and read out the address. “Huh, they found a nice place.” He punched in the address and pulled out of the parking place. Jazz music played softly, she never listened to this type of genre. “So, how was the flight?” He asked. “Long. Very long. Seven hours from Sydney to Singapore then had under an hour to hop on to the next flight. Thirteen hours.” She replied, “I didn’t sleep, can’t. Watched some movies, tried to read but failed. I had a pounding headache and the guy couldn’t stop going to the toilet.” “Shit sounds bad. But don’t worry, you are not expected in the studio in three days, so you have time to recover.” He said. “Oh really? Do you… know what I’ll be doing?” Gabrijela asked, but then thought it was a stupid question. “Ah, that was silly to ask. It states in my paperwork.” She laughed. “No question is stupid. You’ll be working with our designer, helping her out in organising what we are to wear, the styles, colours. All that fashion stuff. Allison is a wonderful woman, an expert. You’ll learn a lot from her.” Cillian said proudly, “She works with all of us actors, tailoring the suits and dresses to such perfection.” The way he spoke about Allison made Gabrijela nervous. He seemed fond of the woman, and by how he was dressed during the show… God, she was going to be greatly challenged. And she would work her ass off the coming months, no complaints. She would do it. “She seems like a lovely person, I can't wait to start.” She clasped her hands to her chest, looking over at the older man. “As we all, Allison seriously loved your portfolio, and she had shown us. You have a fantastic idea and creativity.” Cill said. Gabrijela blushed bright red. “She showed you… my portfolio? From University?” She whispered. Her nerves spiked, and worry set in. “Oh, she was very impressed. Couldn’t hold back. Hey.” His voice softened, she looked at him again, they had stopped at a set of lights. He faces her, “I can see that doubt in your eyes. Don't be fearful, you should be proud of your work. It’s yours to claim and your creative noggin here made. Don’t let others cloud your thoughts.” He said, his blue gaze intense yet caring. She sucked in a breath and they moved on, “I guess so. It’s just… you all are so talented and amazing and… Gah, it’s scary. I didn’t even think I’d get this. It’s been a dream long coming for me to work on an amazing set with equally amazing people.” Gabrijela admitted. “We are just regular people who must play an act. That’s all.” He let out a light chuckle. “Still, for me, it’s so cool. I thought I’d be good at acting and tried to do a play during school, uh yeah, nah. I messed up majorly on the first night of the play. Still remember it.” She laughed shyly. “Wardrobe malfunction and I forgot my lines. All of them. Worst stage fright ever.” “No.” He said in disbelief. “Yes! In front of eight hundred students and staff. I refused to continue on after that. Gave that shit up and went into a design class where I hid from the world, scribbling away my thoughts and feelings.” They both laughed. “Well, I think you picked the best path. You’re here, a bright, creative mind amongst us. Welcome aboard.” He exclaimed. His laugh was a blessing to hear, it made her skin prick with goosebumps. She admired this man beside her for a long while, she had seen him in every movie he played. She was fascinated by how he worked, how easily he stepped into his given role so perfectly… And here she was, in his car, laughing and talking. Still, right now, it felt like a dream. A comfortable silence fell between them, and she watched the scene outside. Old buildings began to turn to more flashier ones as they made their way into the heart of London. Cillian spoke up and pointed out interesting buildings and told some facts, she listened intently, she would come back to these areas to check them out. Especially the Tower of London castle. “The Tube here is good. Fast but can get very packed during peak times, and very stuffy.” He said as they came into a pretty neighbourhood. “I heard that the train line is good.” Gab nodded. It wasn't long when he pulled up beside a three levelled building. The whole street was lined with these white, pretty buildings. “Here we are.” He said and got out, she pulled herself out and groaned. Stretching, she said, “This is a really pretty area.” “Quiet, and safe. Close to the station and to the shops, five minutes down the road you’ll come to a food market.” He said, pulling out her luggage with a grunt. She grabbed her smaller ones, “That's good. I might need to go down to it after this to grab some, and I need to get a sim card for my phone.” She said as they trudged up the stairs to the large wooden door. “I’d love to help you out if you want?” He asked as they unlocked the door. “Oh, sure. I’d like that.” She smiled up at him. “This floor and the one above is occupied, but the top-level is yours.” He said they both looked at the stairs. “Oh god. Why don’t you let me help you? My bag is heavy, I don't want you to hurt yourself.” She said. “Ah, fine fine. Want me to go first or you?” He asked. “Maybe you.” She said. Together they fought with the luggage, huffing and puffing up three flights of narrow, steep stairs. Once at the top they both sat down, laughing. “What is in this thing?” He ran a hand through his hair, his smile lopsided. “Clothes, shoes, a bag, girly items.” Gabrijela giggled, moving beside him. “Uh-huh. Come on, let's get you settled in.” He said and got up, he held out a hand to her. She took it and was pulled to her feet. “You do the honours.” He handed her a set of keys. She took them and unlocked the door to her apartment. The first thing they were greeted was the open space, to the right was a two-seater dark grey couch and a small flat-screen TV mounted to the wall above a fireplace. Behind the couch was a double bed with a million cushions and dark tones for sheets. Further was the balcony that overlooked the street. To the left was a small modern kitchen with a wall separating the rooms, it was designed in a way where a square cut out of the wall was turned into like a breakfast bar with two stools. Beside the kitchen was a generously large bathroom with a bathtub build into the wall equipped with a showerhead. The colours were dark browns, greys and splashes of copper and silver and greens in the decor. “Wardrobe is under the bed and in the dresser here.” Cillian patted the dark wood piece that was set beside the bathroom door. “London apartments are quite small but small design aspects use space very effectively.” “This is… Wow, I didn't expect it to be so… Lovely.” She touched the fluffy throw on the bed. It felt like luxury. She sunk down on the bed, bouncing on it. She kept looking around. “You’ll be calling this your home in the coming months, so get as comfy as you like.” Gabrijela sucked in a breath, “Thank you.” She said, her emotions were all over the place, happiness, fear, excitement. “What for?” Cillian asked, sitting beside her. “For all of this. For this opportunity.” Her eyes shimmered with utter joy. “Don’t thank me. Thank the ones who got to make this happen.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I will, but to you especially. I’ve uh, I’ve always admired you in films you act in. And I absolutely love Peaky Blinders, it's a fantastic show and I am truly excited to work with you and everyone else.” She said in a single breath, her cheeks heating. He let out a soft laugh, “I could say the same, as I said before, we are delighted to have you on the team.” She felt so shy around him, his eyes, his smile, everything about him made her feel so giddy. He truly was one kind of a man, and her love and admiration only grew more for him. “Well, I had an idea. You give me a list of what you need, and you get yourself comfortable and shower or whatever.” Cillian stood up. “Oh no, no, no. I can’t do that. I’ve already taken up so much of your time today, I think it’s best if I just go myself.” She stood up quickly, shaking her head. “Please, it’s no bother, really. You’ve had a long trip,” he grabbed notepad on the dresser and a pen from his pocket and handed it to her. “List, please.” She sighed, “God, fine.” She huffed and scribbled down some things she’d like. “There you go, Mr Pushy.” Cillian tucked the paper into his jacket pocket, “I’ll see you soon.” He said and left. Gabrijela waited before she let out an excited cry. She did a little dance and laughed, “Oh thank you God for this opportunity!” She unpacked some stuff, mostly her… private items before she grabbed a clean pair of ripped jeans and an oversized sweatshirt before she went into the shower. It felt good to bathe, washing off all the crap and stress away. Once out, she resumed unpacking until Cillian rang the doorbell. She allowed him up and gasped when he came in with four bags. “I definitely did not write that much stuff down! Cillian!” She gave him a playful push once he set the bags down. “Well, I wanted to buy more than just lettuce and a pack of noodles.” He said. “Let me make lunch for you.” She snorted, “No. I refuse. Please.” She grabbed his hands, “Cillian, you really shouldn’t do this.” “Gabrijela.” He now held her hands between his, and his gaze was bright and caring. “I want to do this because I want to. Out of the goodness in my heart.” The look he had made her back down, he really wanted this. “Alright, Cillian. Make my lunch then.” She pulled back and helped him unpack the bags. She left him be as she finished up unpacking her stuff. She set up her laptop and portable music box before she sent out a facebook message to her mother to ease her worrisome mind. Cillian had even gotten her a sim card, and she was so paying him back for it. It wasn’t long when her father called up on Skype. She chatted with him in Croatian for a bit before she said her goodbye. “Your dad?” Cillian called from the kitchen, he was well into cooking, the air smelled a bit burnt. “Yeah, gotta check in with the family. They're the most worried, this is the first time I’ve ever gone overseas alone.” She replied, scrolling through Facebook. “Is this your first time overseas?” He asked. “Nah, the first two was with my parents and this one by myself.” She smiled, sitting back on the couch and watching him through the opening in the wall that looked into the kitchen. He was busy stirring something. “Where did you go in the first two?” He moved to grab what looked like salt. “Croatia visited family and the usual touristy stuff. Was an awesome experience.” She said. “Oh yeah? I’m guessing you’ve learned how to speak it since you spoke Croatian with your dad just then.” “Mhm. I took a course before I just practised at home with my parents, I’m able to hold a good conversation now.” She said with pride in her tone. “Incredible. I used to know French a while back, but I’ve forgotten it all.” He chuckled. “Oh yeah? How’d you get into that?” She got up and sat on one of the stools, watching him. “My mum is a French teacher, so as a boy I learned it through her. Once an adult, I kinda stopped as I really had no more use for it.” He explained. “Didn’t want to sing it either?” Gabrijela teased. He snorted, “Definitely not. You know about the band stuff?” He turned to her. “Kinda, a little. Did you enjoy it?” She asked. “Yeah, I did. Played the guitar, sang a little. It was a good time, but not something I wanted to pursue further.” He shrugged, “A good filler in my younger years.” “Awesome. You do seem like the band kinda guy.” She folded her arms on the table. “Yeah? My brother says that to me, asks me if I would ever pick it back up again.” He turned back to the pot boiling, stirring it. “I see, but I think acting suits you better.” She nodded. “Huh, thanks. I get that a lot.” Cillian mused as he stirred the pot before turning the electric stovetop off. She rolled her eyes, “So cocky.” She huffed. Cillian flashed her a grin before he set out two bowls and poured in the noodle soup. “Chicken soup with carrots chunks. Easy to make and really good in energising the body.” He said, pouring her a glass of strawberry cordial and one for himself. “You know, my mum makes the same thing. But more for if your sick, or whenever shes in the mood. Let's see how good Mr Murphy is.” She straightened her back, picking up the soup. “Oh, God.” He laughed nervously, “Be gentle on me.” She could see the playful glint in his eyes as she tasted the steaming soup. She took a couple of spoonfuls before she slowly set the spoon down, eyes narrowed and had a thoughtful look on her face. “Hm,” She hummed, rubbing her chin, “Salt… Good. Enough. Temperature… Just right… The taste…” She paused, eyes flicked up to his. He waited, head tilted to the side. His smile began to grow. “Delicious!” She cried happily, “It’s fantastic, Cillian. Almost like home, but very close.” “Oh!” He let out a sigh of relief, clearly playing along with her, “Good, good. I’m not really a fantastic cook, I’m most skilled in lasagna or some type of soup. Or a good ham and cheese toast.” Gab giggled, “Thanks, Cillian. It’s really good.” She said, continuing to eat the soup. “I made enough to last today and tomorrow. I’d like to take you out for dinner tomorrow night if you like.” He brought the spoon to his lips, taking a sip. “To dinner? Tomorrow?” She blinked, looking surprised. “I-I mean, only if you want, I don't want to--” He started. “No, I’d love to go to dinner with you. What time?” She asked. “Around seven? Will that be okay?” “Perfect. Gives me time to explore tomorrow, and maybe find an outfit.” She said, focusing on her soup. Her damn blush wouldn't go away. “Want me to tag along? I know good areas for shopping.” He offered, gazing at her once more. “I--” She shut her mouth, he was doing so much for her today. He picked her up, brought her here, bought food, cooked, and he was going to take her out tomorrow night… “Alright, but you are not allowed to pay for anything!” She said sternly, “Or I will make sure you rip your pants on set.” He held up his hands in a truce like fashion, “Fine, fine. I will agree to these terms.” “Good! But I may or may not wake up later, I’m running on zero hours of sleep.” She hissed, finishing her soup. “Oh yeah, gotta let you have your beauty sleep.” He said as he collected the empty bowls. She rolled her eyes, making a face, “Girls gotta sleep. It’s why we stay so pretty.” She flicked back her hair, letting out a huff. She got up and helped him dry up and clean up despite his demands to go rest. She didn’t like to sit around and let others do the work, she always wanted to help out no matter what. After that, Cillian wiped his hands and walked with her back to the small living space, “I should get going, but before I do…” He grabbed the notepad and scribbled something down, “My number and my address. I don’t live far from here, almost a twenty-minute walk. Just some information.” He gave her a cute smile. “Ah, thank you. I’ll make sure to save that. I’ll text you later so you have whatever new number I got.” Gabrijela said, taking the paper and tucking it into the front pocket of her hoodie she wore. “Also, thanks for getting the sim card. I’ll set it up in a moment.” “No worries. I’ll see you around midday, yeah?” He opened the door. “Yeah, see you then. Thank you for everything.” And she went towards him and hugged him. He let out a soft ‘Oh’ and his arms wrapped around her. “I love hugs,” His voice dropped to a soft murmur. “Same.” She said equally as quiet. They both chuckled and pulled away. “Rest well, Gabrijela.” He had this look in his eyes as if he didn’t want to go so soon. But he turned away, and she watched him walk down the stairs. She closed the door before she went to the balcony and peered over. Any moment, and he was out of the door. He paused and looked up, waving and giving her a wink before he got into his car. His head disappeared in the car and he drove off. Gabrijela let out a sigh, gripping the iron rails. She looked down the road, the forever trail of white apartments and the soft hum of traffic and the occasional cry of people calling to each other. Was this all real? She thought as she stared up at the grey sky. The air was cool, and it smelled like rain was going to fall soon. She loved the rain. She smiled to herself, a dream come true. She was here. Safe. Had a wonderful with a man she admired, and whom she will go shopping with. Her heart fluttered as she went back inside to lay down and set up her phone. But she didn't get a chance to text Cillian as sleep and exhaustion overtook her body and she was out like a light.

Xena is better than every male antihero from the past 20 years of prestige dramas and I will prove it with my extensive TV knowledge and feelings

What makes a “great” television show? We all know that there is no single definition, as people have different preferences and experiences, etc. etc. But what are the shows that critics have universally agreed are masterworks of television? The kind that sweep awards shows and influence the direction of entire industry? The kind that your professors uphold as the zenith of television’s potential?

Dark, character-driven dramas. TV’s chock-full of ‘em now, but for the sake of illustration, let’s just use The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, and Mad Men as examples of this phenomenon.

Aside from genre trappings, and writing/directing/acting quality, what do they all have in common? Why do people give so many shits, so intensely, about these shows? What could possibly be at their center? 

Answer: A broody, complex antihero with a dark past/present who struggles with the moral quandaries of existence, while remaining simultaneously vulnerable and withholding to both the viewer and those around him. I use “him,” because this character is always male. 

Where are all the female antiheroes? Well, there’s at least one who is constantly forgotten, probably because she hails from a wildly different kind of show. One with Greek gods, sword fights, and whooshing sound effects. But don’t let the aesthetics of this show fool you – at its heart, it’s a drama about the redemption of one of TV’s finest antiheroes. 

Xena is better than Tony Soprano, Walter White, and Don Draper combined, and I’m about to show you why I can make this audacious (and extremely biased and opinionated) claim!

Let’s take a look at the competition. You’ve got:

Tony Soprano  

Mob boss with Feelings™. He’s in therapy for the panic attacks he’s been having lately, because this very sensitive man is simply not cut out for the mafia. He’s killed strangers, friends, even his best friend, and he feels real bad about it. At the same time, he’s struggling to maintain the closest relationships in his life, particularly with his family. His kids are growing up, his marriage is strained, and he’s constantly trying to reconcile his brutal, immoral actions with the belief that he could be a good person. Tony wants to be good, but he knows he is destructive force to everyone around him, and the cognitive dissonance is tearing him apart. In spite of therapy, he makes very little progress towards becoming more in touch with his emotions.

Walter White 

High school chemistry teacher-turned-meth-cook whose entire life falls apart. It starts as a means of paying for his cancer treatment and providing for his family after he’s gone, but when the cancer goes into remission, Walt keeps on cookin’ just because he likes it. I’m not putting words in his mouth; he actually says this. He leads a double life, and, like our boy Tony up there, wants to believe he can be a good person, a good father, a good husband, while simultaneously devolving into cruel, manipulative (sociopathic??) drug lord. Even at the end, when the jig is up and he’s off in hiding, he still wants to provide for his family as some kind of compensation for everything he’s put them through. It’s too little, too late, but we get the idea – he’s a tortured soul, yada yada. Also, Walt, like Tony, is not one for heart-to-hearts with the fam.

Don Draper

1960s ad-man with a dark past, who buries the truth about the tobacco/cancer connection in order to sell cigarettes, and schedules cheating on his wife in his day planner, all while trying to be a good father/person. The most irrepressibly charming guy on this list, Don lives a lie, after stealing the identity of his commanding officer, killed alongside him in combat (whom he may/may not have had a hand in killing). Not even his name is real (Although who wouldn’t pick “Don Draper” over “Dick Whitman?”). He starts the series living the “perfect” life with a wife he plucked from a lineup of models, who, thanks to his closed-off attitude, knows absolutely fuck-all about him. They are in the midst of raising two children before he finally tells her that his father beat him as a child. He’s a stranger to his own wife. That’s how little this guy talks about his feelings. 

So why do we watch these antiheroes? They’re shitty people, right? From Tony choking a man to death while on a college tour with his daughter, to Walt watching his best friend’s girlfriend die of a heroin overdose and doing nothing to save her in order to win back complete control of his “friend,” to Don rejecting his long-lost brother who then goes on to hang himself, these guys are Not. Good. 

But, they are compelling characters. We have to care about them in order to tune in every week/binge five years of television in one weekend. And as far as I can tell, we like them because they feel bad about what they do. That’s oversimplification, of course, but it touches on the premise that makes these disparate characters somewhat relatable: 

We all have done bad things that we regret, and we all need to believe that, at the end of the day, we’re good people. 

Enter: Xena

In terms of sheer kill count, Xena has all these tortured main men beaten by a long, bloody mile. I can’t list all of her deeds, but suffice it to say, when Xena begins her journey in the first episode of her series, she’s at Genghis Khan-levels of slaughter. The character of Xena began as a warlord on Hercules’ show, but the whole truth of her villainy is only revealed bit-by-bit throughout the next six years of her journey. She’s killed thousands, razed entire villages to the ground, betrayed those close to her, and essentially been a Really Bad Person for most of her life. It’s arguable, but many see the act of burying her armor in the pilot as a self-sacrificial suicide attempt. Undefended, in a land brimming with uncountable numbers of wronged individuals who would love to see her head on a spike, she’s a lamb waiting for the slaughter. 

Enter: Gabrielle

A tiny village is under attack, and in a sudden twist of morality, Xena begins using her combat skills for good. She saves, among others, a plucky village girl who immediately starts following the warrior around like a puppy. But Xena, ever the classic brooding antihero, feels undeserving of gratitude and rejects her. Multiple times. But Gabrielle refuses to be left behind. Xena acquiesces, and the two begin their journey together. Gabrielle’s unrelenting faith in Xena pushes the ex-warlord onto a path of redemption. 

Over the course of the series, Xena and Gabrielle spend most of their time walking through forests until someone Evil Xena has wronged stumbles into their path and she and Gabrielle have to face another demon from her past. But no matter how many souls she saves, how many wrongs she rights, Xena never fully accepts that she is a good person. She wants to be good, and she sees goodness in Gabrielle, but always regards it as a quality just out of reach for herself. Her past haunts her, and she doesn’t know if she can ever fully atone for what she’s done.

In addition to undergoing a transformation of purpose, Xena also changes as a person. She begins the first season as a cold, near-Vulcan warrior with an impenetrable exterior and a steely gaze that never totally softens. But with time, and through the force of her relationship with Gabrielle, she chips aways at the wall she’s built around herself until she’s (more of) an emotionally communicative person. She allows herself to be vulnerable, and shares even the darkest secrets of her past with Gabrielle. And although she always braces herself for Gabrielle to have seen too much of the darkness inside Xena and finally leave her, Gabrielle stays by her side every time, and Xena heals a little bit more.

You know what that’s called? Growth. 

And it’s hella satisfying to watch. 

And, in this definitely-biased lesbian’s opinion, this is what makes Xena a more compelling character than any of the aforementioned male antiheroes. Her story is unique. Tony Soprano struggles with morality, but never truly changes. Walter White gives in to the darkness and lets it consume him. Don Draper reaches for redemption but always falls short. And yes, there is something exciting and interesting about all those stories. As you could probably tell, I’m a huge fan of every show I just mentioned. Hell, I had the idea for this post in the midst of a Mad Men binge at 3am last night. And, for the record, no, I do not hate all men, or all stories about men. But I was wracking my brain for an example of a female antihero in a prestige drama, and suddenly I realized I was looking in the wrong place. And that this would be a completely insane post that could ruffle some feathers online, which meant I had to get it out there on the World Wide Web.

Finally:

You might argue that Xena’s story is so different, and the series itself is so unlike these prestige dramas, that to draw a comparison among these characters is misguided, at best, and totally freaking bananas, at worst. 

But, here’s a final breakdown of what these antiheroes have in common:

1. An inner darkness that both drives and troubles them. (Check)

2. A sense of unworthiness towards those who show them love. (Check)

3. A level of charisma/general appeal that invites the audience to give a shit about them, in spite of whatever they might have done/are doing. (Check)

4. A persistent moral greyness. (Check)

5. A preternatural ability to stare into the middle distance and brood. (BIG check)

Clearly, Xena is classic antihero material. But what sets her apart is that she takes action to redeem herself. Even when she doesn’t truly believe she is good, she calls upon all her strength to do good, regardless. Instead of stewing in the darkness, pushing away her loved ones, stagnating in the nebulous state of her morality, she devotes the rest of her life to reckoning with her past and remains steadfastly fixed on redemption. She still makes mistakes. She remains flawed, conflicted, human. But she grows, whether or not she thinks she deserves to. She moves forward. 

The 100 6x07 Nevermind

Season 6 of The 100 has been fantastic so far, and 6x07 is not just the best episode of the season so far, but also one of my favorite ever episodes of the show. Nevermind is, in many ways, a dream come true for me: this is exactly what I was hoping for at least since the promos for the show started promising the theme of characters “facing their demons”. At the time, I couldn’t have guessed that it would be about Clarke battling a centuries old woman who has taken over her body after her parents had decided to bodysnatch Clarke in order to bring their daughter back, but I was hoping for trippy, mind-bending, character-based storylines. Most of all, one focused on Clarke Griffin, the main character and hero of the show (oddly enough, this needs to be pointed out, since there are fans who keep forgetting it), her psyche, her traumas and emotional issues and character development.

After the wonderful last scene of 6x06 and the promos for this episode, my expectations were really high, and they were met. There was a little bit of fear that the whole “which characters will make a cameo”, “who will be mentioned how many times” thing would distract from Clarke’s character exploration, but that was not the case. This episode was almost entirely (except for the last scene) set in Clarke’s and Josephine’s mind space rather than the real world. The walk down the memory lane that the drawings we saw on Clarke’s mind-wall was there, but it was, above all, a great character study of the show’s protagonist, a battle of wills between the hero and the villain, and it had some big revelations – for the audience or for the characters. It had brilliant dialogue and acting, and was emotional, dark, intense and even funny at times (mostly thanks to Josephine, who is evil and detestable but also incredibly funny and charismatic).

And what particularly made me happy is that it addressed some long-standing questions of morality that the show had been ambiguous about. The show’s moral complexity/greyness has long bordered on moral relativism, and allowed (mis)interpretations in the fandom, to the effect that “There are no good guys, the protagonists are as bad as the villains, therefore it’s all the same and it doesn’t matter if someone does bad things, since everyone does it”. The unfortunate motto “for my people” has been overused and abused by many morally ambiguous or straight-up villainous characters on the show, to justify their own actions (the classic “who are you to talk, when you killed all the Mountain Men! Therefore I get to do whatever I want ‘for my people’’ – as if doing the only thing that could have stopped the evil society of technological vampires/overlords from killing and cannibalizing all your loved ones, is the same as killing people with no remorse to get power). By season 5, Clarke herself seemed to start buying into that view. Josephine Lightbourne again try to use that against Clarke in this episode, and nearly made her give up. This time, however, Clarke and the show both finally said “f*ck you” to that worldview.

One of the reasons why Josephine is such a great villain is that she is both a parallel and a striking contrast to Clarke. On the surface, they seem similar – their looks, background, family. When we first saw her in the flashback in 6x02, the similarities were obvious – another intelligent, capable, beautiful blonde girl with loving parents (Russell, in both versions, even matches the same physical type as Jake), a princess from a privileged background. But Josephine is everything that Clarke-haters (in and out of the show) claim Clarke to be, but that Clarke most definitely is not: selfish, narcissistic, with a god complex, remorseless, sociopathic, completely ruthless, pampered, classist, treating people as disposable. A start contrast to Clarke’s compassionate, caring, self-sacrificing nature.

Various thoughts about this episode in bullet points under the cut.

One of the many contrasts between Clarke and Josephine is the disorganized, beautiful way that different memories fill Clarke’s mind space, as drawings all over the walls of her room, unlike Josephine’s highly structured, organized mind. Just like “Monty”, I also like Clarke’s better.

I’m overall very happy with how this episode included references to various people and events from Clarke’s past, through a combination of drawings, flashbacks, mentions and objects. Most important people in Clarke’s life were referenced – both dead ones like Jake, Finn, Lexa, Jasper, Monty, and living ones like Bellamy and Madi (not so many mentions of Abby, but that’s because she’s both alive and, unlike so many others, not a source of guilt for Clarke).

The only exception is arguably Wells, and it’s really unlucky that the planned appearance by Eli Goree didn’t work out. We still got a confirmation of his importance in Clarke’s life (which should be big – he was her best friend since childhood and died tragically, even if he didn’t last long on the show) through several drawings (and the Chinese version of the idiom “A friend in need is a friend indeed” under one of them), and, more importantly, a close-up of one of them. Let’s be honest, the drawings are generally little more than a cool Easter egg for the fans, if the show doesn’t focus on them through close-ups and flashbacks or mentions – something that the general audience would notice.

I love the way that Clarke’s outfit and hairstyle kept changing depending on which memory or part of her mind space she was in at any given moment. For instance, she started as Ark Clarke from the Pilot, then turned into Eden Clarke when she visited her safe space of the life there with Madi for those 6 years – which was far from perfect (what with being isolated from everyone else, without any adult with her, without other friends or any chance of love or sex life, and waiting for Bellamy to come back and talking to him without answer to keep sane), but was still the most peaceful time she’s known. Except maybe for her childhood, which she did spend in a not-happy space (life on the Ark was difficult, if not for her, then for so many others who were less privileged, and we know Clarke was aware of that), but she had a happy family life, so it makes sense that her father is the first person she would see in her mind-space. Jake and Eden stood for safety and family life and peace, which Clarke thought she got when she briefly believed she had really died – before Jake (aka her own mind) told her it wasn’t true. It’s the sign of her being upset – the rain and storm outside that happened due to her mood – that alerted her to the fact she was still alive.

Every character, other than Josephine, who appeared in Clarke’s mind space was, of course, an embodiment of a part of her.  

Although I’m not sure about ALIE, whose code may have remained there, and who delivered information that Clarke may not have already known. It was the one cameo in this episode that really surprised me (since the rest had been revealed or guessed on social media). She was there for the big revelation that the neural mesh from the time Clarke was in the City of Light is what ended up saving her. This made this episode’s link to 3x13 Nevermore even stronger. (Funny that the erased memory of ALIE!Raven is what gave rise to that awful amnesia theory. Glad that this has been shut down now.) I guess this means that I was wrong about other hosts being savable, and that Delilah is gone forever? A big part of why I wanted it to be true, apart from liking Delilah, was to give the Earthkru more incentive to fight the Primes. But we have been given a lot of other reasons why they should make the decision to so that.

ALIE also had a conversation with Clarke about the nature of life and humanity, which, however, could be just Clarke talking to herself. Clarke has been tempted to run away from pain, she’s even tempted to run from it by accepting death in this episode, but she’s still insisting that pain is a necessary part of life and that there’s no joy without it. At the core, Clarke is not someone who gives up.

The revelation that the darkest and most painful memories are those that aren’t even on the wall and that Clarke keeps hidden, explained some things, such as why there were no drawings on the mind-wall of such huge moments as Jake’s death or Finn’s death (Clarke’s trauma from this was a subject of an entire episode – one of my favorites, 2x09, Remember Me)... However, while I don’t want to criticize the prop department, who did an incredible job drawing those pictures from scenes, they did make an error - one of the drawings of Lexa is actually from the scene of her right after being shot, which doesn’t really fit (her death is one of the “darkest place” hidden memories) – though you wouldn’t know that by just looking at the picture and not knowing the scene.

I’m glad that Josephine called out Clarke on child abuse, and that the drawing of Madi in pain in the shock collar was so prominent on the wall. Season 5 had Clarke at her lowest point, and that was certainly, IMO, one of the worst things she’s done.

We know (from 6x04) that Clarke’s biggest regret is leaving Bellamy in Polis in season 5, and this episode confirmed that this weighs so heavy on Clarke’s heart that she can’t even face Bellamy in her mind space (which fits with the fact that the darkest and most traumatic moments are those she did not put on the wall). She is afraid that he hasn’t really forgiven her in his heart, and that he can’t, because she can’t forgive herself. Even if Bellamy is alive and well, Clarke’s feelings for him make her betrayal of him unforgivable in her own eyes (even though, at the time she did it, she had been heartbroken and furious because she felt he had betrayed her). Octavia, or rather Blodreina, was the right embodiment of her guilt in a weird way, since she was the danger that Clarke left Bellamy to, the one who threw him into the pit in the first place (kind of like Jaha was the embodiment of Bellamy’s guilt over the culling in 1x08). She reminded Clarke of some of her other sins, those that involved Clarke being ready to sacrifice Octavia (while trying to protect Bellamy) – letting the bomb drop on the people in Tondc, stealing the bunker in season 4, but she was there mostly to talk about Bellamy, because the relationship between Clarke and Octavia has always mostly revolved around their respective relationships with him. Even in her own mind, Clarke is still deflecting when confronted with her feelings for Bellamy (“I care about both of you”, just like she said “I care about all of them” when called out on her feelings for Bellamy by Lexa in 2x14). Octavia is also the embodiment of the unwillingness to forgive, so her refusal to fight for Clarke makes sense.

Not that Clarke needed any help to kick Josephine’s arse. It was satisfying to see, but expected. Josephine is an actual pampered princess who’s never had to fight for anything, while Clarke has been fighting and surviving in adverse circumstances for 7 years.

Maya’s appearance made perfect sense, but she was the most OOC character of all the “mind space” characters – maybe because Clarke didn’t get to know her that well, but mostly because she was the embodiment of Clarke’s guilt over the innocent deaths she’s caused. Maya was a good person, someone who helped them against her own people because it was the right thing to do, and because she knew what the Mountain Men were doing was wrong. She is also linked in Clarke’s mind with her feelings of guilt over Jasper – Clarke didn’t know Maya well, but Jasper was one of her closest friends, and Clarke feels deeply guilty for indirectly causing his downward spiral that ended with his suicid4. I was happy to see him referenced so much in this episode – through “Maya”, the case Clarke found in 5x01, and his goggles that she found there, which all played a big role in this episode. The accusations that “Maya” (Clarke herself) made sounded a lot like the repertoire of Clarke-haters: that she likes being a savior, has a god complex, has killed more people than she’s saved, is no better than the Primes… This is a confirmation that Clarke herself has agonized over all of these things. But it’s not what the real Maya would have said – the real Maya died acknowledging the responsibility all of the Mountain Men had for the evil things their society was doing, saying “None of us is innocent”. When Clarke made her “Maya” character be helpful against Josephine, it was the closest thing to what the real Maya had been like.

Clarke’s darkest place, the most painful and traumatic memories she has, are the deaths of Finn and Lexa, the only two people she has had romantic relationships with – relationships that were both extremely brief and tragic, and ended with deaths that traumatized Clarke a lot and made her feel guilty – even though she doesn’t really have, IMO, objective reasons to feel responsible for either of them, it’s not hard to see why she would feel, on the emotional, irrational level, that she is the one causing people to die. (The show and especially the fandom have tended to ignore one of these relationships  post-season 2 and to over-focus on the other, so I was pleasantly surprised that they were both acknowledged in a similar way for their role in Clarke’s development and emotional traumas – with the visual references with Lexa’s throne and the pole Finn was tied to and the knife Clarke used to mercy kill him, combined with the flashback of Finn’s death, a different flashback of Lexa seen before, and Josephine’s indirect mention of her death – which was probably the most elegant solution, since I don’t think the show would ever dare replay the footage of her death for fear of more backlash.)

It’s certainly no coincidence that this dark place that’s about Clarke’s traumas of her tragic romantic life is the place where Josephine breaks Clarke by convincing her that Bellamy has given up on her and that he and everyone are better off with her dead. Josephine didn’t technically lie – she told her he took her death hard but in the end made the rational choice of agreeing to the deal with her murderers. But, by showing her an out-of-context memory of Bellamy taking the deal, she showed her a skewed version of the truth. Clarke didn’t see Bellamy’s grieving, despair and anger, and didn’t realize that Bellamy saying that she would do the same was out of admiration for her, as a leader who’s not just smart but also selfless and caring. She probably took it as another sign he sees her as a monster, doesn’t care that much about her and is better off without her, because it fed into her own insecurities.

Josephine: “Have you considered sacrificing yourself?” Bitch, watch the season 4 finale. She didn’t just consider it, she did it.

I loved the fact that the case Clarke used to hide the important memory was Jasper’s case, that it contained Jasper’s goggles alongside Jake’s video, and that the lock password was “102”. More confirmation of the importance of the initial Delinquents community from season 1 in Clarke’s life and the show. “You forgot Bellamy and Raven” may be my favorite line from this episode.

Monty’s return (which the show tried to hide by not putting Chris Larkin’s name in the credits until the end credits, but it revealed it through not cutting enough of one of the promo pics) was not a complete surprise, thanks to the detective work of some of the fans, but was still my favorite part of the episode. Monty was most in-character, because Clarke knew him so well, and it makes perfect sense that he was the voice of Clarker’s reason and moral compass, which is what made her change her mind after having given up and given Josephine the victory. (You want a great platonic friendships between a man and a woman on The 100? Here it is!)

The ‘Monty” part of Clarke’s mind fought back, against all the BS – the “bear it so they don’t have to”, “for my people” mottos and moral relativism and Josephine’s half-truths) and reaffirmed Clarke’s resilience and will to live, and reminded her that what it all comes down to is not just saving your people, but doing the right thing. After Monty told them to be good guys and be happy. Both of these messages are what Clarke had to remember. As I’ve been pointing out, doing better is not just standing by and not killing people. It’s also actively fighting against evil. They are not being good guys if they let the Primes murder, bodysnatch, oppress, brainwash and sacrifice the people from their community, just because it doesn’t affect them.  As “Monty” (Clarke) pointed out, it’s not doing better if you let the Primes murder people to live forever.

Clarke’s trip through Josephine’s memories (of being killed by Kaylee, and of killing Isaac and sacrificing a baby) helped her fully realize that Josephine is truly evil and needs to be stopped. Really, if killing babies is not enough to make you classify someone as true evil on a whole different level, what can?

Josephine tried to pull the “for my people” motto with Issac, but she was full of s*hit. She only does things for herself and maybe a few other people (not even all the Primes, since she murdered four of them). We learned that Children of Gabriel are literally the children that the Primes tried to sacrifice to the trees and that Isaac saved and brought to Gabriel. We also got another confirmation of the cruel caste system of Sanctum, where “nulls” (people who are not Nightblood gene carriers) are treated as lower life forms, and routinely sacrificed, and that Josephine would rather kill them all, if she was allowed to by her father. Not that having the NB gene is so good, as it means your child may end up as a host, and obviously, the “honor” of being a Nightblood means you get bodysnatched at the age of 21.

When Isaac said  “if only we were allowed to be more than your janitors and guards”, it felt like it was the writers’ way of reminding us of the class system on the Ark, where Bellamy was a janitor and a guard-in-training. It’s also another reminder of how different Clarke and Josephine are – Josephine would have considered someone like Bellamy expendable and useless, whereas Clarke quickly showed in season 1 she valued people based on their personal qualities rather than their origin or class.

It was cool to see a flashback to the time before the apocalypse, complete with references to Diyoza and Becca, but this memory was my least favorite part of the episode. I guess I just wasn’t that interested in Josephine’s traumatic memories, since I don’t think they’re enough to explain her sociopathic nature. On second thought, you could say that this guy was her Finn, and that her response to that trauma was completely different from Clarke’s – genuinely shutting herself down to any compassion or remorse.

I love the fact that what saved the day was the fact that Clarke and Bellamy were both good students of Earth skills (taught by Pike!) and that they are, once again, so well attuned to each other that they can communicate this way. Or the fact that Bellamy was watching JC so carefully, even though it must have hurt him emotionally to look at her, that he noticed her movements and read them correctly.

Nice to see Miller back, but did he have to be so… not-bright? In any case, it’s great to see Bellamy as determined to save Clarke, as he was despondent in the last episode. This is maybe the first time that Clarke really needs saving, but a huge and crucial part of that rescue was Clarke deciding that she wants to live.

Rating: 10/10

fic recs

(S=smut, A=angst, F=fluff)

* indicates personal favorites

Home (Is the Last Place I Want to Be) by urge-l (A)***

Chanyeol is straight. Baekhyun is gay. They’re best friends and Chanyeol wants to keep it that way.

Anterograde Tomorrow by changdictator (S/A)***

Kyungsoo is stuck in the hours while Jongin begs the seconds, because time stops for someone who can’t remember and runs from someone who can’t miss the last train home. 

And Then There Was You by toffeecoffee (A)

Chanyeol returns to the place he used to call home and the boy who was once part of his world.

You Were Always the One for Me by tintatalk (F/S/A)

Baekhyun liked kissing Chanyeol. Chanyeol liked kissing Baekhyun. They were best friends, but that was okay, right?

Saving the 10th Prince by blank_expression (F/A)

Every night, Park Chanyeol has watched the same man die in his arms. Every morning, Chanyeol has woken up with tears in his eyes and an unknown name on his lips. Wang Eun. For as long as he can remember, Chanyeol has had dreams of a young prince named Wang Eun from the Joseon dynasty. Though he has never met the prince, Chanyeol cannot shake the feeling that he knows him -or knew him- somehow. When Chanyeol gets into a bad accident and hits his head, he is shocked by what he finds when he opens his eyes. He did not expect to find himself in Joseon with the name Hoojun. Neither did he expect to be the personal guard of the young prince from his dreams. 

Hold Me Closer, Sleepy Dancer by surgicalfocus (S/A)***

With a demanding job, a recent heartbreak and the everyday trials of chronic illness, Chanyeol is convinced that romance no longer has a place in his little world - until the guy of his dreams suddenly waltzes into the picture and asks if he’d like to dance.

Good Luck by baekyuu (A)

On rainy days, Baekhyun would be out in the field looking for four-leaf clovers - and Chanyeol would follow with an umbrella to put over his head.

Endeavour by baekyeolangst (A)

Chanyeol bets 10 days to love. Baekhyun has 10 days to live. They come to an agreement of being the perfect combination.

10080 by exobubz (A)

Chanyeol wanted a divorce. Baekhyun asked for a week.

Spica by printedapples (A)**

If the earth and the constellation Virgo are 260 light years away, what then, Chanyeol wonders, is the distance between two human hearts?

Blood and Water by baeconandeggs (F/S)

Ever since he was a little boy Chanyeol has known that there is much more to life than his parents, with their pure-blood privilege and conservative ideals, would have him believe. But when he meets Baekhyun, a Muggle-born whose magic goes far beyond mere wizardry and spell casting, Chanyeol gets so much more than he ever bargained for.

On the Booze with Brahms by novembermagpie (F/A)***

Chanyeol has never heard someone say puppy like the asshole violinist next door does.

You, Love (Are as Safe as Houses) by coppertears (F/A)*

Right now he’s being tossed by the waves but Chanyeol is his rock.

Earthgrazers by lotusk (F/S)**

Romance novelist Park Chanyeol is having the worst writer’s block of his career. Frustrated, he tries writing on an old typewriter and for the first time in weeks, the words start to flow. The next morning, he wakes up to a stranger spooning him - a stranger who just happens to be the main protagonist of his novel.

To Touch a Daydream by winterrobyn (A)*

Baekhyun is many things. He’s beautiful, but dangerous. Charming, but elusive. Baekhyun is always just out of Chanyeol’s reach, but never out of his thoughts, even when Chanyeol forgets everything else.

Where the Seas Stay the Same by youngwoo17 (S/A)

“Except there you were - my lighthouse. When I look at you, I’m home.”

Breakfast with the Fuzz by surgicalfocus (F/A)***

Officer Park Chanyeol is reassigned from a busy city police department to one in a small town, against his wishes. When a beautiful, intriguing parkour enthusiast is arrested and brought in to his new workplace, Chanyeol feels compelled to ask him out for breakfast. He quickly learns that Byun Baekhyun never eats breakfast, hates cops, and has more baggage than a busload of tourists. These things are only minor obstacles to winning him over, as far as Chanyeol is concerned.

A Rhythm of Its Own by parkchandaddy (S/A)**

Baekhyun is a music snob. An experimental venture into his city’s underground hip hop scene leads him to Chanyeol, and he keeps coming back.

Can’t Fight These Bad Intentions by winter__child (S)

Baekhyun is torn between wanting: a- to rip his neighbor’s head off because he’s so loud and b- into his pants.

If the Police Ask by masaringo (F/S)

Falling in love through the lens of your telescope seemed impossible, stupid even. Especially when you are thirteen. But, if as time goes by your feelings for your seven years older next door neighbor only grow stronger, would it still be considered a childish crush?

So Sick of Love Songs by singilu (F)

Chanyeol isn’t a mad scientist and Baekhyun isn’t unemployed, even if he is always shuffling noisily around Chanyeol’s apartment. Where Chanyeol doesn’t really want him because he doesn’t want, or need, a flatmate. He doesn’t want Lu Han’s replacement, either.

Meraki by jeyyuum (A)

Chanyeol writes Baekhyun a letter every day that he misses him. Baekhyun never reads them.

Behind Blue Eyes by apriclash (S/A)

Baekhyun is, among many things, (blind and angry) in love with Chanyeol. Chanyeol is, among many things, (manipulative and persistent) in love with Baekhyun. It only takes them a few years to understand how a relationship works.

Décalcomanie by yuni3010 (F/A)

Almost ten years after their divorce, Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol met again in a hospital. Each one has a defined life already: Baekhyun in Japan with his daughter, Byun Dahyun, and Chanyeol in Korea with his daughter, Park Joohyun. However, as fate would have had it, a nasty accident leave their twins in critical condition, and they are now stuck trying to tolerate each other for the sake of their girls. 

Burnt Sugar by wulfpup (F/S)

Baekhyun is not looking for love when he moves in with Chanyeol. And Chanyeol, well, Chanyeol is looking for a fight.

Fix You by daisychains555 (F/A)

The more Baekhyun got closer to Chanyeol, the more Chanyeol would drift away from him.

Interlude by tintatalk (S/A)

Chanyeol’s job as an exotic dancer is enlivened by the appearance of a new and intriguing patron.

The Northeast Corner of High Street and Canal by shiningrose (A)

Chanyeol’s world is transient, but he thinks it involves a man named Baekhyun.

Children of the Storm by ink-and-stars (S/A)*

Most of the people his age had already given up their mermaid dreams, but Chanyeol had always been different. He had been claimed and branded by the ocean when he was barely a child, and had known since then that all the sailor tales were real. He survived the storm, and he grew stronger, and he knew the chance would come sooner or later to capture his own mermaid and make it cry its pearly tears for him. Little did he know that his chance would present itself in the shape of a silver haired boy, with eyes as black as the starless sky and the spirit of the tempest in his heart.

Blossom in Fall by museofthedawn (S/A)

An ever aspiring street photographer Park Chanyeol found his light in the form of Byun Baekhyun. Only when a relationship had come to fall apart, their love had a chance to blossom.

Bittersweet Baby by baeconandeggs (S/A)

Guarding the son of Seoul’s mafia boss was never easy, but for Chanyeol falling in love with him was even harder.

Old Boys by surgicalfocus (F/A)**

Chanyeol is dragged along to his high-school reunion by his two best friends, and unexpectedly meets his long-lost first love for the second time. 

Farfalle by sw3ets0ciopath (F/S)

Baekhyun is the waiter in skintight jeans.

Arbitrage by fumerie (S/A)

There are three tracks to Do Kyungsoo’s life. Track A, trader at an investment bank. Track B, new recruit of a race crew called EXO. Track C… track C involves someone named Kai and a whole lot of bad decisions.

E4SE by baekyeolangst (A)

“Ah, really. Chanyeol doesn’t exactly know how to explain to his blind husband that he has fallen out of love.”

Jag-eun by baekyuu (A)

Meet Baekhyun, the patient Chanyeol was going to look after. Mute, neuroatypical, and psychotic. Until Chanyeol grows to love him.

Forever Starts When the Lights Go Out by caressingflames (A)

The first time Jongin proposes to Kyungsoo is in the playground, with his hand clutching a soft brown wooden ring (that he made himself) and his heart set on forever.

Every Single Star by ancoats (F/A)*

Chanyeol dials the wrong number and connects with a stranger in an unconventional way.

City of Angels by kriswufans (A)

What if angels walked among us? Silent and unseen. And one of them fell in love with one of us.

Catch a Falling Star by whisperlucifer (S/A)**

When Chanyeol crash lands on a remote yet beautiful planet on the outskirts of the Andromeda galaxy, he discovers that the trail of diamonds he’s been following to find help aren’t diamonds at all, but pieces of a fallen star scattered beneath his feet. Baekhyun is that fallen star who comes to believe that maybe the fall wasn’t the end after all. Maybe it was just the beginning.

Gunfire in Kabukicho by changdictator (A)*

Autumn of junior year, Baekhyun joined a band.

Orange Blossom and Honey by tinycecropia (F/S)

Chanyeol owns a small music shop. Kyungsoo likes to visit the shop to talk to the cute owner.

Unsolicited Opinions on the Vampire Knight Fandom War/Therapeutic Ranting

First of all, I’ll give full disclosure by saying I barely deserve to call myself part of the VK fandom as a whole or the Zeki family because I have been out of the loop since 2013 when that ending killed my soul. Also, grad school ate up all my time to spend emotionally stewing in my feels about this story over the past couple of years. But I’m going to post my thoughts on the current Vampire Knight fandom war anyway because after only a week back in it, I am seriously baffled by what is going on here. I’m going to try to break my ideas down I guess for anyone reading this but it is more rant than analysis, really. 

1. Why I am Weepy Zeki Trash

Alright so like many others, I was hopeless Zeki trash. I haven’t shipped an anime/manga pairing that hard in my life. Zero’s devotion to Yuki just seriously broke my heart and was so beautifully written and drawn by Hino. I couldn’t imagine a better romance. I loved all of the turbulence and obstacles and felt like Hino was writing exactly what I was feeling with every new volume. 

I’ve been re-reading the manga lately and Hino says in the margins of volume 1 that when she first started writing, she was worried that Zero’s character would be overshadowed by Kaname, but that looking at it now she knows she managed not to let that happen and did a good job on his character. I couldn’t agree with her more. Zero is one of the best male romantic manga protagonists I have ever encountered. In her early fan polls, he was the most popular character by a wide margin.

Let’s start early. In the St. Xocolatl Day chapter, Zero, who is clearly already harboring romantic feelings for Yuki, gives Kaname Yuki’s gift when she doesn’t have the guts to do it herself. Let’s unpack that for a second. This guy gives a token of romantic affection to his rival on his crush’s behalf. He is that interested in Yuki’s own happiness that he will actually try to get her together with the guy she likes himself, even though doing so would ruin his own chances.

To me, it’s easy to see why. My favorite thing about Zero is that he is so respectful of Yuki and not possessive of her at all, but somehow we are still able to see the depth of his feelings for her without him having to devolve into some of the creepier behaviors that I see from the male love interests in other manga (and honestly in VK from Kaname. But more on that later). Yuki’s correct to say that she constantly hurts Zero and we can see in his patience with her that his love is just as deep as Kaname’s and I would argue even deeper. But what’s different about Zero is that he also calls Yuki on her bullshit any time she steps out of line, and challenges her all the time. He is himself around her and she around him. 

Here are some examples of what I mean. 

However, Zero also respects Yuki enough to be straight with her and he frequently tells her how absurd he thinks it is for her to pursue a relationship with Kaname, a vampire. Basically he respects her enough to talk to her about things in a way that many of the other characters don’t. It’s a sleight of hand around every turn with Kaname, Kaien, etc for Yuki as there is always some deeper mystery for her to uncover and challenge for her to face, often dealing with the past. This could be made simpler by people being honest with her, but she is often treated like a child and important information is hidden from her even though she is trustworthy and capable. 

Zero doesn’t treat her that way and he’s arguably the only character that doesn’t (aside from Yori and maybe Aido, who would never underestimate her because he is always suspicious of her haha. Bless him.) Starting in the very first chapter, Zero makes his distaste for Kaname clear, refusing to coddle Yuki just to seem like a “nice guy” and ingratiate himself to her. But this criticism of Kaname is obviously for Yuki’s wellbeing and not out of jealousy, because he continues to facilitate a relationship between them if it will make Yuki happy.

        1. He thinks that he doesn’t have a chance. He sees how she is with Kaname and she is constantly going on about how much she loves Kaname, so he doesn’t think she will return his feelings. He withholds his feelings not out of fear of hurting his pride, but because he wants to remain her friend even though a relationship seems unlikely. In this case, Zero is once again commendable for being a true friend to Yuki and being willing to stay at her side without agenda. 

Zero is so non-jealous and supportive of Yuki that even when Kaname declares Yuki his “lover” when her memories begin returning in the second arc, Zero accompanies them on a date at Kaname’s behest, standing by quietly as his rival childishly rubs his relationship with Yuki in his face. Zero literally just sits there and lets it happen. This might come off as weak but I actually think it shows profound emotional strength and composure to watch the woman you love in the arms of another man and to keep a level head. To me this just further emphasizes the intensity of his love for Yuki, that he will suffer through watching her with someone else because he knows that it is what she wants. 

Speaking of relationships, for most of the series Zero has several openings to confess to Yuki or take their relationship further. One that comes to mind is when he has that nightmare sort of early on and almost kisses her in relief when he wakes to find her safe and sound. Yuki seems on board with what he was about to do. But he doesn’t do it. And it’s not out of cowardice to me. I can think of two reasons that Zero waits for so long to go “all in” with Yuki: 

        2. The other option, the way I see itm is that Zero feels that a relationship with Yuki would only cause her more pain in the end, that if they get more involved, she will be more hurt when he inevitably falls to level E. Of course this theory only works earlier in the series before he discovers she is a vampire, too, before it is clear that he can stave off falling to level E, etc.

So since their relationship is platonic for most of the series, it only makes many of the things Zero does for her even more endearing. Despite his surly attitude (which I find adorable anyway) he really is a good friend to her. He tries to help her uncover her past before she regains her memories, he gives her advice about Kaname (yes, this actually happens building up to her awakening as a pureblood), he tutors her when she is having trouble in school, he cooks her dinner, tends to her wounds every time her clumsy self gets the best of her, he covers her up when she’s cold…He’s considerate in small but meaningful ways. While there are times when it seems Hino tries to pass Yori off as Yuki’s best friend, it’s really Zero, and that alone is something wonderful about his character. We as the reader can see how deeply he loves her, but he doesn’t pine about it pitifully, plan to exit some “friend zone,” or act macho and try to intimidate her other suitors like Kaname does. He is perfectly content to be her friend and nothing more. 

Most of what Zero does, really, is just for Yuki, but he doesn’t expect anything in return. He doesn’t do grand romantic gestures with cryptic messages attached like *cough* Kaname *cough* Maybe the most important example of what I’m talking about is Zero’s life itself. After he has turned into a vampire, he wishes to die almost immediately. I can understand this wish. At first he believes Ichiru to be dead, his parents are dead, and he is in constant, excruciating pain. His body rejects blood tablets and consuming human blood goes against every ideal he was raised to hold. The worst part is that he is eventually forced to take blood from the one person he most wants to protect from vampires, Yuki. All the while, he watches her love another man and takes part in a career as a hunter that forces him to kill his own kind–humans who were unwillingly turned into vampires. He is miserable. No one could blame him for wanting to end his life. But he doesn’t, and this is what is key to me. He doesn’t, because Yuki begs him to stay with her. And again, he doesn’t think that this is going to end in them falling in love. He just prolongs his suffering to remain at her side because it makes her smile sometimes, and that is enough for him. 

Even when Yuki awakens as a pureblood and by all accounts he should hate her, he doesn’t. He claims to. He tries to. He has reasons to. But he doesn’t hate her and he never hurts her, despite his dramatic promise to hunt her down. He forsakes his most personal ideals just to keep her safe and that’s not something to sneeze at!

Later, when Yuki can see his feelings for her growing stronger and knows that it will only cause him more pain because of her situation with Kaname, she erases his memories, knowing that it will bring him peace. My favorite part of this is that he falls in love with her again anyway. Even when he doesn’t know who she is, and thinks of her only as a pureblood vampire, he –still– can’t hurt her because his love for her runs that deep, and that brings his memories back to him.

Most recently, I think the most selfless act of all is Zero’s willingness to raise the daughter Yuki had with another man. I mean COME ON that is so rare. He is also happy to stay with Yuki even when she is reluctant to start a relationship with him following Kaname’s death. He is patient and not pushy when it comes to her reciprocating his feelings. I seriously can’t even handle his perfection. Really, how can you not love Zero?

So I think I’ve unpacked why Zero himself is so great, but it takes two to make a ship so I think I will just go on to say that it is equally obvious that Yuki loves him, too. After all, no one in either camp of this conflict is doubting that Zero loves Yuki. They think Yuki doesn’t love Zero, or loves Kaname more. 

Moving along, when Shizuka appears Yuki actually considers trying to kill Kaname to save Zero. I argue this because during the ball when they are dancing on the balcony, only then does Yuki think to herself that there is no way she could possibly kill Kaname. Only after seeing him at the ball and being touched by his kindness does she flee to find Shizuka and offer herself up, and she does this without hesitation because to Yuki, any price is worth saving Zero’s life, even if it will be a short one before he turns to Level E. 

In the first arc, Zero is clearly her first priority in that she is willing to accept Kaname’s disdain and any potential punishment from her father for breaking school rules by allowing Zero to drink her blood. To me that shows love, and this could be a friendly sort of love. I guess at first it is. But as time goes on it becomes more and more clear that Yuki loves Zero in a romantic fashion.

Again, on  St. Xocolatl Day, Yuki attempts to cook handmade chocolates for Kaname and fails, apparently ruining her batch. She buys a flashy candy box to give to Kaname, worried that he would judge her own cooking. But she is able to produce just one successful chocolate and she chooses to give it to Zero. Yeah, he gets the personal gift, the intimate gift, and she hand feeds it to him for Christ’s sake. 

After Kaname kills Shizuka, Yuki further demonstrates her loyalty to Zero when she turns on Kaname to protect Zero from the vampire Senate. She is willing to never speak to Kaname again unless he clears Zero name. This is huge to me, and so, so important to point out, because it demonstrates that despite the love she bore for Kaname at that time, she was willing to lose him completely if it meant keeping Zero safe.

Later, in the infamous almost-kiss scene after Zero’s nightmare, Yuki reflects back on this with flashbacks several times. She thinks about it A LOT. Because, duh, it was hot and she wanted him to kiss her, even if she isn’t ready to admit that to herself yet. 

Even later, after Yuki has awoken as a pureblood, this is where I think her love for Zero becomes the most clear. As many others have discussed in great detail, one of the most telling indicators of Yuki’s love for Zero is her desire for his blood and her inability to be satisfied by Kaname’s. I won’t go into that again because so many already have, but it was Kaname himself who told Yuki that a vampire could only be sated by the blood of their beloved, and Yuki is extra bloodthirsty until she finally starts drinking Zero’s blood. She explicitly states that part of her heart will always belong to Zero, though she does love Kaname, too. Of course, we also know that she is able to survive just fine for a millenia after Kaname’s death on Zero’s blood alone. It follows that he is the person she loves most.

Her demeanor is just different around Zero, too, for the entire series. She is happy and herself around Zero. They joke with each other sometimes. She confides in him and cries to him. With Kaname, it seems to me that she is constantly walking on eggshells. Some might argue that that is because she loves him so much and is so worried about upsetting him, but that is sort of toxic in my opinion. If that’s the case it’s infatuation, not love. 

Even when Zero proclaims that he will kill Yuki after he finds out she is a pureblood, she isn’t angry. Instead she vows to keep running from him to give him a reason to live. She vows to make her own life more difficult and complicated just to keep Zero going. 

At the end of their story as we know it so far, Yuki decides to end her life after Zero is killed. I think this is such an interesting point because it is one being used by both ships to support their case. Yume people see it as proof that Yuki still loves Kaname the most because she is giving her life to resurrect him as a human even after so much time has passed. I disagree. I think it is proof that Yuki loves Zero the most because without him, she has no motivation to go on living, and is ready to give her life for Kaname at last. She had considered doing this in the past, remember; but she is only willing to do it when the option to be with Zero is no longer there. Once he is dead, she grieves for him and follows him into death, even though she has two children she could spend her life with.

Lastly, aside from all of the inner monologues and dialogue that support this ship, I also think that the sheer chemistry between the two characters is really powerful and important here. Zero and Yuki have more physical contact than any of the other characters throughout the series and to be frank, it’s hot. When he drinks her blood, even at first, it is something that is always sexually charged under Hino’s capable pen. Zero and Yuki are very comfortable with one another and he’s always holding her, or her him. I don’t know, there is just so much more obvious affection between them, to me, than she and Kaname. My favorite example is the masque scene when they pretend to be strangers and wind up kissing. It’s just a testament to how their circumstances and not their feelings are what keep them apart, because if they were just two people who met on a dance floor, they would be drawn inexorably together right away. It’s so damned perfect, yall. 

So that’s why Zeki is wonderful.

2. Yume. Why tho?

Okay, I have to get this out somewhere. I started with the positives, with why I love my ship. But I have to rant for just a little bit now. 

I mean this sincerely: I genuinely DO. NOT. GET. how Yume is so popular. Let’s pretend Zero didn’t exist (*gasp*), and VK was a love story between Yuki and Kaname as he exists in the series. I wouldn’t finish it. I mean that. To me, it is so problematic for so many reasons. 

Above I spent a lot of time explaining why I think Zero so clearly loves Yuki and Yuki so clearly loves Zero. I don’t need to explain that Kaname loves Yuki. I will gives the Yume people that much, obviously Kaname loves her. I will even agree that she obviously loves Kaname, too. But to me that is kind of a small factor to take into account here.

She loves him, but in a really uncomfortable, frightened, obligated sort of way for a good sizable chunk of the series. She loves Kaname because she feels indebted to him for saving her, and then because of her memories with him as a brother. This feels altogether different than the relationship built on trust and shared experience with Zero. I have already explained why I think Yuki loved Zero more so I don’t need to go into detail about why I think her feelings for Kaname aren’t as strong, because those two arguments are tied together. Instead, I am going to make a different argument entirely: that in this case, it doesn’t really matter who she loves “more” because of how problematic of a character Kaname is. 

When Yuki is trying to regain her memories, Kaname talks to her like she is a mischievous toddler and dismisses her concern, instead trying to misdirect her by randomly confessing his love to her at a very inappropriate time, solely to throw her off the scent. Since Yuki has been wanting Kaname romantically for so long, this might seem sweet to the people that ship it. I think it is twisted and bizarre as hell. Even Yuki doesn’t believe it when he says it so out of the blue, and it hurts her to think he is pretending to confess love just to distract her. Yuki at this stage is genuinely distraught, having nightmares and hysterically crying in Zero’s arms. She even tries to strangle Zero in her sleep. This is someone who held it together after her best friend randomly bit her in the jugular and drank her blood before she knew he was a vampire. She kept her cool when that happened. But when her memories start to return, she is crying over how scared she is, hallucinating, losing sleep, and fainting in class. Clearly this is affecting her worse than anything else ever has and Kaname’s answer to that is to distract her by taking her on some idiotic picnic and creepily declaring that they are “lovers?” What even?

What I mean is, Yume people could post until they are blue in the face about why Yuki loves Kaname more. (They already do this, I know). I don’t buy most of their points, but even if I did–I could never ship this. Kaname to me is a clearly abusive and possessive character. I know it’s fantasy. I know none of this is real and that he is a vampire. But he does some truly messed up things throughout the series and rereading the manga and watching the anime through I am honestly shocked that anyone ships them at all. 

Here are some examples. 

He also lies to her on multiple occasions and erases her memory. He sees her as someone he can manipulate because until she awakens as a pureblood, he has knowledge that she doesn’t, and he absolutely exploits that knowledge. Yuki even says constantly that he treats her like a child. Contrast this with the way that Zero treats her, outlined in detail above. Night and day, people. (Literally, lol).

After she awakens as a pureblood, he basically holds her prisoner in the mansion by making her feel guilty. She always comment on how lonely and sad he seems, and how he would be even moreso without her. He also keeps her close by hinting that she isn’t safe, though with vampire strength she is arguably less vulnerable than ever before. During this time frame, their whole relationship seems so depressing and just difficult. When you love someone, it shouldn’t be that hard to just spend time with them. And yes, there were all kinds of other dramas getting in the way, but they had domestic problems from day one and she was always talking about Zero. Kaname saw all this and still was just so possessive of her that it really bothers me a lot.

There are several moments where Kaname honestly seems sort of sadistic to me. He tortures Zero, allows horrible things to happen to him, for him to come within an inch of his life multiple times. He toys with him psychologically and finds him when he is most thirsty to essentially force Zero to consume his blood so that he can exert power over him. All the while he claims to do this for Yuki, but he could keep Zero alive without so many games and near-death experiences if you ask me. By contrast, even after everything that has happened, in volume 19 Zero willingly allies with Kaname at the very end and doesn’t treat him with nearly the derision Kaname does him. He isn’t nice to Kaname but he doesn’t torture him and mess with him. Kaname taunts Zero leading up to his transformation into an vampire in the first arc and also talks down to him for being a potential Level E constantly after that. Kaname’s treatment of Zero is absolutely the result of fragile masculine jealousy and it sickens me. Zero’s only crime was being born a vampire hunter and being loved by Yuki. We have countless examples of his gentle and forgiving nature but Kaname loathes him. Of course, Zero doesn’t like Kaname either, but he doesnt exert the same influence over Kaname that Kaname does over him so it just isn’t really fair, and is indicative of weird alpha male tendencies in Kaname. 

And here’s the thing that no one seems to mention. I know that Japan is different than the west and that anime and manga have a lot of strange relationships that we wouldn’t really consider normal on American TV or in comics, but Kaname and Yuki’s whole situation just doesn’t feel romantic to me. It feels creepy. He is this ancient being, centuries old, and his lover when he is reborn as a Kuran is Yuki. This would already be a bit strange if they were born at the same time, if he was reborn as a baby when Yuki is also an infant. But he is already much older when she is born, and he instantly latches on to this baby in a brotherly role, that eventually turns paternal when her parents are murdered. He watches her entire life, watches her grow up literally from infancy. He is just as much a father figure to her as Kaien in a lot of ways, and then randomly, when she is a young teenager, it suddenly becomes romantic, and later sexual? I’m sorry guys, but that rubs me the wrong way. I have never been in the midst of VK in either manga or anime format and thought for even a flicker of a second that Kaname is the one Yuki is supposed to be with.

3. That ending -_-

All of this is complicated by the manga’s ending in 2013. I felt almost 100% sure reading the manga that Hino herself wanted Yuki and Zero as end game. The relationship with Kaname did have meaningful and emotional segments but it never felt to me like the one she preferred. As die-hard Zeki as I am, I know the ending of the manga in 2013 was a total Yume-friendly ending, and it wrecked me. It brushed Zero off as a character entirely, offering no closure and leaving no one happy. I honestly would have rathered her just leave Kaname alive even though I don’t ship it, because the wishy-washy ending we got was awful. Writing should be from the heart, not to please a fan base. I feel like Hino’s ending was one that didn’t step too firmly on either side of the fence, even if it was a clear Yume preference, and that she did this so that she wouldn’t be forced to choose a side and piss anyone off too badly. It’s my opinion that that backfired because the ending seems unpopular on the whole.

So I am really happy that we have these extra chapters and VK Memories to look forward to. But I cautiously tell my fellow Zeki people not to expect a Zeki happy ending (I know Zero dies, but you get what I am saying) because who knows what will happen. Things may look favorable for us right now, but they did during the manga’s regular run, too. 

Here is what I truly want–our author needs to take a side. I want an ending with more closure. I want something that shows us the true nature of Yuki’s relationship with Zero and how she really felt about Kaname when she gifted him with humanity at the cost of her own life. It is all so grey right now, and that, I think, is what makes this “fandom war” so vicious–there is something to fight about because nothing is clear. No one can say for sure what Hino’s intentions were and who Yuki loves more because it ended so abruptly with no clear answer either way. It seems like she could love Kaname more for sacrificing herself, but also that she could love Zero more for waiting until he is gone and then following him in death. It’s too ambiguous.

That being said, in grad school I studied the idea of “death of the author,” the idea that an author’s intent when composing a piece of literature is not important. Trying to argue what he/she was thinking is not as important as arguing what the text itself is saying. I’m not saying that what Hino wanted doesn’t matter. But I do think that if she chooses a route that we don’t necessarily like, it will be easy, based on her writing style so far, to still find hints of an outcome we wanted, that when VK Memories ends, if things go poorly for either ship, we can all analyze the text to see that the characters Hino made speak for themselves, and draw our own conclusions from that.

4. People are mean.

I have seen some ship conflicts in multiple fandoms in my time on tumblr. What we have in the VK tag right now is especially ugly, and I don’t get a lot of it. 

I’m gonna focus on the recent “star-crossed lovers” nonsense. When a Zeki blog tagged a post as “star-crossed lovers” this really twisted some Yume shipper panties and people got very angry that we would dare to call Zero and Yuki star-crossed, posting long analyses of how Zero and Yuki don’t really have any obstacles between them and that since they were together for 1000 years the ending isn’t tragic.

Okay, I took a breath because I needed one after even repeating that ridiculousness. I need someone to tell me how the freaking head vampire hunter and uber powerful vampire are not star-crossed. Seriously, that alone should be enough to complicate their relationship, but it’s made even more difficult by Zero’s backstory and extra hatred for vampires, his own status as a third class vampire in society, Yuki’s long life span as a pureblood, and even Kaname himself as a rival. These are some pretty intense odds. That’s textbook star-crossed lovers right there guys. Sorry.

I’ve also seen Yume people make huge bullet point lists of how much more star-crossed Yume is for a bunch of reasons that aren’t reasons. Yuki and Kaname are both purebloods who were destined from her birth. They were an arranged marriage. That is the polar opposite of star-crossed or forbidden love. They definitely had their fair share of obstacles, but it isn’t the same, mainly because Kaname created a lot of those obstacles with his own crazy schemes.

But the real thing I want to address here is how petty it is that someone saw the tag and took issue with the tag being applied to Zeki. Both couples are star-crossed in their own way, okay? Christ. Why does it bother you so much to know that the other ship thinks the characters are star-crossed? Yume folks, for three years the ending has been in your favor. Rest on your laurels and let Zeki people savor this rare chance to have things go well for us. 

At the end of the day, this was a story that all of us obviously loved. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be fighting about it so fiercely. What would be better, I think, would be to come together and hope for an ending that we like more than the disaster of 2013, to hope that Yuki is made to have a clear choice one way or another in a conclusion that doens’t leave people on both sides feeling so empty and confused. 

5. Final Thoughts

I don’t like fandom shaming of any kind. So to any Yume people who read this, that wasn’t my intent. And unlike many Yume people I’ve seen, I’m not going to cross tag it and shove it down your throats. But I wanted this post to be seen so that maybe some of the more understanding people can see why so many of us don’t like the Yume ship, and also why this fandom war is getting so hostile. Don’t go onto the other tag and start drama with people if you truly do just want to be left to enjoy your ship. And join together in the hoping for some great material to read in 2017.

Happy New Year folks :D And sorry for the textbook length post. Whoa. 

@justiceforzerokiryuu I thought maybe you would appreciate this haha. Totally understand if you don’t read my novel though :P

Almost (Book On Wattpad) CHAPTER ONE

Chapter 01 No one will believe you, no one will even think it's possible, they'll believe his word over yours - it's like always. I slam my locker closed finding, big surprise, not my ex best friend there of course. She hasn't talked to me since I so called "lied" about some guy she's been obsessed with for 2 years now. Anthony...something, but I kept telling her he doesn't like him and even showed evidence. The damn boy even came up to her saying they should only be friends and still ain't believing it. Her name's Brooklyn, Brooklyn Wilde, some bimbo bitch claims she never liked him anyway. I try staying away from romance, already got a broken heart once, never again. Even if you can't break a broken heart, romance is just something I never wanna face again during high school - or maybe never. So what I'm an outcast, I've been fractured for 10 weeks from running cross country. My damn coach is a fucking asshole and the whole team agrees. I'm one of the four freshmen on the team but the only girl one. It's a small team since everyone does football, or soccer now. From practicing I missed a lot of meets and workouts, which at first, I thought was a gift from Heaven - I was wrong. 2:24pm was always my favorite part of the school day, the end of it. I walked past a group of 4 popular girls (one including Brooklyn herself) laughing and acting like they're all actually best friends. They're probably gonna go home tonight raiding through the liquor cabinets in search for something to make them look cool on Snapchat. I swear I'm not a critic I don't like bitches. I walked over to the main entrance with people by my side, whether they were walking home, driving or getting picked up. I went over to the bike racks and picked up my penny board placing it under my right foot on the concrete. I pulled my earbuds out from my hoodie and went the direction towards my daily Friday spot. Stopping my board in front of me I looked up at the Illuminating sign of Augustine Café. My penny board under my arm as I opened the door hearing the bell. I saw Tony, (the manager you could say) of the store with his dark Puerto Rican hair pulled into a low, messy ponytail like usual. His elbows rested on the wooden counter, listening to the radio throughout the whole shop. I'd call it like a Barnes and Noble, but a small town like this version. Old and new books, ripoff lattes, and a 38 year-old owner who's parents came from some Hispanic country. "Back again, miss?" Tony says in a somewhat surprised tone. "What's on your mind for today?" I walk over to the counter sliding a 20 his way. "The usual and probably a romantic angsty one. Keep the change, aight?" Tony nods putting the money in his cash register. "A new writer came on Sunday, two books I think called, Morning and Lost? I don't remember, but it's in the teen fiction section if you wanna check those out." "Thanks for the heads up, Ton," I said saluting him with my left hand. I reach over to get my iced coffee and wave to Tony. He's probably the best father figure I could ask for. • • • "And where the hell have you been?" Pops says hearing me open the slider door. And here’s the worst father figure I couldn’t ask for. "My usual Friday spot," I answer, "youse act like I ain't been doin' it for 3 years." "Roxanne, don't talk to your father with that tone," my mother gestures like a normal Sicilian housewife. I scoff laying my board on an angle on the wall and walk past my parents with nothing else to say, and lemme tell y'all something - I almost walked out without start more conversation. Key word: Almost. I’ve always hated that word. "How was your day, sweetheart?" I turn around with my sneakers sliding on the rustic tiles, teeth gritting. "Oh ya know, they usual high school day...horrible." "Y'know back in my day, wese neva complain about our day. If your grandfather was still alive he'd say the same thing," My dad says drinking his beer. "Thank dad, love you too," I say walking up the stairs stomping. "Roxanne, what did I say?" Her stern voice asks again. I groaned, "Sorry, 'Daddy Dearest,'" I apologize. I wouldn't say I have a perfect family, they're just an Italian family that love their other child. I continue to walk up the stairs, once again, so close to missing another word out of Dad's mouth. But of course this is Nunzio Sicilianio we're taking about, the arrogant Italian-Sicilian man who shall always have the last word. "Keep up with that attitude, Rox, youse'll never get your WiFi back," and there's the last word. Right, how do I explain this to you? My 1960s dad has figured out a way to make my life more "miserable." Apparently, he shuts off only my WiFi at 7 o' clock at night, and turns back on at 9 in the morning. The man can control my phone yet he can't even remember my birthday. It used to be shut off at 8 at night and back on at 7, but he liked it at 7 and 9 - I don't know what he's tryna' prove here no one ever texts me anyway. And there's not even a good reason for his master plan, he just felt like I wasn't doing good at school and because I wear a fake hair piece everyday that I should get my WiFi taken away for more than 12 hours. Okay, Nunzio, okay. It's not a surprise that he likes my brother, Vincenzo, more. They sent him to a private, Catholic school thay costs $1,200, and sent the damn 15 year-old to Italy for 10 goddamn days. What about me? My name's not even Italian, it's a plain, overrated, American name that no one can even spell. (It’s Roxie not Roxy, and Roxanne not Roxane) Vinnie's aways been favored out of the whole family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, you name it Chief. He's had three girlfriends over the past 4 years and I haven't even—nevermind. The point is, I'm an outcast. I'm the second choice, the runner up, the younger sibling, the un loved child. I'm only two years into my teenage hood and it's already hell on Earth. Disney Channel lied, high school isn't a music. Speaking of runner up, winter track started already and I’m still not able run a mile yet. And my mom, she doesn't sound bad right? She accused me of taking an hour shower just last week, (it was 25 minutes) and kept screaming, and cursing, and yelling at me because she sent something to my school email and needed it for something. Mom would say I was afraid she'd find something, I'm only afraid of one thing. Eventually I helped her get to it, but l left her room with tears running down my face and scratches all on my arms. And trust me, I've wanted to be dead for 6 years straight, but lemme tell y'all something. My toxic trait? I face everything on my own and don’t admit I need help in anything, because I’d rather struggle than burden other people with my problems. With classes, social life, romance and anxiety/depression. I know I can’t handle myself but it’s better than letting people come inside my life only to make it worse than it was. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to talk to someone about my problems but I don’t think it will happen anytime soon. I don’t trust ever. So for now you’re stuck with Siciliioo complaining about her depressed life. To be honest, I don’t really know how my anxiety and depression started. My grandfather died on the same day, and second I got a surgery when I was seven. Maybe I saw the world differently after that, maybe I felt like, the only person who saw me as human died in my arms just like that. My brother in the shower or sauna right now, I don’t hear it running so sauna it is. We got one a few days ago in my dad’s old office where he’d write bills out or something like that. It’s mainly for wrestling since Vinnie has been doing it since the first grade. Mom says “anyone can use it” meaning only Vin or me with Vin. It’s no surprise he’s the favorite, everyone knows it. I walk past my old room splashed in roses when I thought that would go great with pink. Many memories in there, now it’s just an empty room with a bed and stuffed animals. I hear my parents beginning to fight about wrestling and school, Vinnie’s school. I go into my white bedroom with a TV and window sill, I got it back when I got somewhat attention on me. I don’t beg for it like I’m an attention seeking parasite, but it would be nice just to hear one compliment from my dad or mom. I laid down on my bed resting my eyes listening to music. It’s the only escape I have left, drowning out the noise of the world.

Don Hall 1966–2018

If you haven't already heard...

I'm going to do my best to write this so that you can follow it. The emotion I’m feeling right now is crippling. But the responsibility I have to Literate Ape and this wretched news is serving as leg braces keeping me from collapsing.

Don Hall, husband, son, brother, uncle, nephew, friend, storyteller, writer, musician, trusted collaborator and confidant, event producer, shit stirrer, and at times, the internet's most hated man has died. He was 52.

I was there when it happened. Sort of.

It happened Thursday night, March 29th. I was at Don’s place recording the week’s episode of the Literate ApeCast, as usual. When we wrapped recording, we chatted casually with Dana, his wife and Literate Ape contributor. We talked about the wellness of my wife, Katie, and son, Harry and the adjustment the three of us are going through in our home. We talked about the new pipe tobacco Don was in love with this week. We talked about Don and Dana’s birthday/wedding anniversary trip to Cancun — they were meant to leave this Tuesday. We talked about the Chicago Reader’s latest racial whoopsie when theater critic Justin Hayford printed the N-word in his review of Court Theatre’s Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. This is where, I believe, things went south for Don.

Don got angry. So maybe things didn’t go south for Don because Don thrives in his anger. So, really, this is where things went south for the rest of us. Because this particular bit of anger became his last.

To start, the Reader is often a point of anger and annoyance because it is bloviating and smug. In this way, the Reader is a lot like Don because Don had so often embodied bloviation and smugness. But for whatever reason, Don was to me far easier to take than the Reader. Thing is, it wasn’t even the Reader or Hayford’s choice to print a racial slur that got Don all wound up. It was the backlash Hayford and the Reader were receiving online.

Online vitriol has long been a rage-igniting issue for Don, and was often the topic of his writing. He saw most of it as emotionally reactive and ill-informed, and its result too often being an unreasonable public shaming and digital lynching, something that endorsed the ever-growing divide in modern America.

Don agreed that Hayford should have avoided the use of the word. The review was not made any better by having it, so why use it. But OK, he used it. So what? It wasn’t Hayford calling anyone an N-word, Hayford was only quoting a line from the actual play. Bad choice of quote to use, sure, but not worth the hatred he was receiving.

I had to get home to my wife and newborn son so I left Don and Dana’s with Don still steaming over the whole thing.

As I unlocked the door to my apartment, about 20 minutes later, Dana called me. Don had dropped dead. Or at least she was pretty sure he was dead. He had no pulse, wasn’t breathing and he looked pretty dead. She was surprisingly calm on the phone.

“Did you call 9-1-1?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’ll be right over.”

I told Katie what had happened. Harry was asleep and she told me to go. I sprinted the few blocks back to their apartment.

The medics were there. Yeah, Don was dead. I have seen enough dead bodies to know. I have been here too many times… He was lying on his stomach. There was a small amount of blood under his head from where he smacked it on the corner of the coffee table as he fell — the coffee table that still had the empty beer cans from our recording session only an hour earlier. The apartment stunk. It stunk bad. Like hot milk and scorched opossum innards. Don had shit his pants.

It wasn’t the most dignified way for him to go, or be found, but it’s the truth, and what do you expect from a man who are as much cheese as he did? I tell you that Don Hall shit himself when he died because Don Hall was a champion of truth.To leave it out would be a disservice to his memory.

Don never pulled punches. He was honest in his failings and his successes. He was honest with his wife and his friends and his enemies and his employers and clients and students. Sometimes his honesty worked against him but that was only when it was offered to others and then manipulated by them for their own selfish gains. Don was not a selfish man. Don was giving with his time and his knowledge, and Don wanted true equality and fairness for all people even if it meant giving up some benefits of his white male privilege. Hell, Don knew true fairness and equality was only possible if that privilege was given up, and he was more than happy to dispose of it as best he could.

When I arrived to the dead, shitty body of my friend Don, Dana, his loving wife, was holding her knees to her chest on the floor across from him watching the medics assess the situation and then pack him up. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. She didn’t weep. Shock was in full control. Though I hadn’t yet asked, she offered me the details of his final moments.

“We kept talking about the Reader thing,” she said. “And he started going on and on about online attacking and how nasty and pointless and hypocritical it all is. You know how he is — was. Fuck… He kept going and going, talking and talking, you know, like Don… I went into my little office to read the book I had just started. He was still going… And then he stopped. Just like that. Suddenly. And then I heard the crack. I ran out and found him. Then he shit his pants.”

Don Hall’s killer was an aneurysm. Sneaky fuckers, they are. They’ll claim anyone for any reason at any time. Who knows how long it had been waiting to attack. Who knows if Don’s fury over the online community of angry villagers triggered it. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I could have left the apartment with Don and Dana laughing and hugging and happier than ever, and his brain still would have exploded. So to speak… I don't know.

Here’s what I do know… Life goes on for the rest of us. And while there are certainly some in the storytelling and online community who may find a quiet pleasure in the demise of Don Hall, those who respected him and loved him will miss him. Hell, maybe those who hated him will miss him, too. Everyone needs an enemy. He was well past his midlife but he had a lot of living left to do. Or so we thought. Our Maker, or whatever, clearly had different plans. But Don had plans, too. Literate Ape, books, events, teaching, being a husband, enjoying that pipe tobacco, not shitting his pants in front of his wife…

There won’t be a funeral. Don hated those things. Actually, he’d never been to one. And Dana wants to keep it that way. So, how do we say goodbye to a life so full and a man who was always saying hello with hugs and encouraging words? He wasn’t perfect but he was one of the good ones. He was always thinking, always thoughtful, always trying to be better.

With Don Hall gone, I think we’re all a little less better.

Thankfully, we can still get our Don Hall fix when we need it. He’ll live forever in his books, in his podcasts and in his writings on Literate Ape.

And yet, he will be missed. And in some strange way, I know he’s going to miss us, too. And that’s the worst part about it. There was so much left for Don to do and see, and he’s going to miss all of it. Most of all, he’s going to miss Dana whose heart will forever be crouched on the floor with its legs held to its chest, in shock. Broken.

Rest in peace, Don, you magnificent literate ape, you. I’m sorry you shit your pants.

Don Hall 1966–2018

If you haven't already heard...

I'm going to do my best to write this so that you can follow it. The emotion I’m feeling right now is crippling. But the responsibility I have to Literate Ape and this wretched news is serving as leg braces keeping me from collapsing.

Don Hall, husband, son, brother, uncle, nephew, friend, storyteller, writer, musician, trusted collaborator and confidant, event producer, shit stirrer, and at times, the internet's most hated man has died. He was 52.

I was there when it happened. Sort of.

It happened Thursday night, March 29th. I was at Don’s place recording the week’s episode of the Literate ApeCast, as usual. When we wrapped recording, we chatted casually with Dana, his wife and Literate Ape contributor. We talked about the wellness of my wife, Katie, and son, Harry and the adjustment the three of us are going through in our home. We talked about the new pipe tobacco Don was in love with this week. We talked about Don and Dana’s birthday/wedding anniversary trip to Cancun — they were meant to leave this Tuesday. We talked about the Chicago Reader’s latest racial whoopsie when theater critic Justin Hayford printed the N-word in his review of Court Theatre’s Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. This is where, I believe, things went south for Don.

Don got angry. So maybe things didn’t go south for Don because Don thrives in his anger. So, really, this is where things went south for the rest of us. Because this particular bit of anger became his last.

To start, the Reader is often a point of anger and annoyance because it is bloviating and smug. In this way, the Reader is a lot like Don because Don had so often embodied bloviation and smugness. But for whatever reason, Don was to me far easier to take than the Reader. Thing is, it wasn’t even the Reader or Hayford’s choice to print a racial slur that got Don all wound up. It was the backlash Hayford and the Reader were receiving online.

Online vitriol has long been a rage-igniting issue for Don, and was often the topic of his writing. He saw most of it as emotionally reactive and ill-informed, and its result too often being an unreasonable public shaming and digital lynching, something that endorsed the ever-growing divide in modern America.

Don agreed that Hayford should have avoided the use of the word. The review was not made any better by having it, so why use it. But OK, he used it. So what? It wasn’t Hayford calling anyone an N-word, Hayford was only quoting a line from the actual play. Bad choice of quote to use, sure, but not worth the hatred he was receiving.

I had to get home to my wife and newborn son so I left Don and Dana’s with Don still steaming over the whole thing.

As I unlocked the door to my apartment, about 20 minutes later, Dana called me. Don had dropped dead. Or at least she was pretty sure he was dead. He had no pulse, wasn’t breathing and he looked pretty dead. She was surprisingly calm on the phone.

“Did you call 9-1-1?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’ll be right over.”

I told Katie what had happened. Harry was asleep and she told me to go. I sprinted the few blocks back to their apartment.

The medics were there. Yeah, Don was dead. I have seen enough dead bodies to know. I have been here too many times… He was lying on his stomach. There was a small amount of blood under his head from where he smacked it on the corner of the coffee table as he fell — the coffee table that still had the empty beer cans from our recording session only an hour earlier. The apartment stunk. It stunk bad. Like hot milk and scorched opossum innards. Don had shit his pants.

It wasn’t the most dignified way for him to go, or be found, but it’s the truth, and what do you expect from a man who are as much cheese as he did? I tell you that Don Hall shit himself when he died because Don Hall was a champion of truth.To leave it out would be a disservice to his memory.

Don never pulled punches. He was honest in his failings and his successes. He was honest with his wife and his friends and his enemies and his employers and clients and students. Sometimes his honesty worked against him but that was only when it was offered to others and then manipulated by them for their own selfish gains. Don was not a selfish man. Don was giving with his time and his knowledge, and Don wanted true equality and fairness for all people even if it meant giving up some benefits of his white male privilege. Hell, Don knew true fairness and equality was only possible if that privilege was given up, and he was more than happy to dispose of it as best he could.

When I arrived to the dead, shitty body of my friend Don, Dana, his loving wife, was holding her knees to her chest on the floor across from him watching the medics assess the situation and then pack him up. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. She didn’t weep. Shock was in full control. Though I hadn’t yet asked, she offered me the details of his final moments.

“We kept talking about the Reader thing,” she said. “And he started going on and on about online attacking and how nasty and pointless and hypocritical it all is. You know how he is — was. Fuck… He kept going and going, talking and talking, you know, like Don… I went into my little office to read the book I had just started. He was still going… And then he stopped. Just like that. Suddenly. And then I heard the crack. I ran out and found him. Then he shit his pants.”

Don Hall’s killer was an aneurysm. Sneaky fuckers, they are. They’ll claim anyone for any reason at any time. Who knows how long it had been waiting to attack. Who knows if Don’s fury over the online community of angry villagers triggered it. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I could have left the apartment with Don and Dana laughing and hugging and happier than ever, and his brain still would have exploded. So to speak… I don't know.

Here’s what I do know… Life goes on for the rest of us. And while there are certainly some in the storytelling and online community who may find a quiet pleasure in the demise of Don Hall, those who respected him and loved him will miss him. Hell, maybe those who hated him will miss him, too. Everyone needs an enemy. He was well past his midlife but he had a lot of living left to do. Or so we thought. Our Maker, or whatever, clearly had different plans. But Don had plans, too. Literate Ape, books, events, teaching, being a husband, enjoying that pipe tobacco, not shitting his pants in front of his wife…

There won’t be a funeral. Don hated those things. Actually, he’d never been to one. And Dana wants to keep it that way. So, how do we say goodbye to a life so full and a man who was always saying hello with hugs and encouraging words? He wasn’t perfect but he was one of the good ones. He was always thinking, always thoughtful, always trying to be better.

With Don Hall gone, I think we’re all a little less better.

Thankfully, we can still get our Don Hall fix when we need it. He’ll live forever in his books, in his podcasts and in his writings on Literate Ape.

And yet, he will be missed. And in some strange way, I know he’s going to miss us, too. And that’s the worst part about it. There was so much left for Don to do and see, and he’s going to miss all of it. Most of all, he’s going to miss Dana whose heart will forever be crouched on the floor with its legs held to its chest, in shock. Broken.

Rest in peace, Don, you magnificent literate ape, you. I’m sorry you shit your pants.