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From the guy who said,
“Don’t go there on your own, wait for me, I’ll go with you,”
to the guy who said,
“We’re better off separated.”
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ia tumbuh tak bernama
di dalam bilik rasa tak bertuan
entah untuk siapa
entah tentang apa
ia diguyur air mata
hingga menguat, kaku, bisu
menyembah pilu
mengemis rindu
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I Do Not Matter (But I Wish I Do)
I cried two nights ago--so bad I woke up on the next days with my eyes swollen. I hate admitting I was that fractious when I usually proud of how cool-headed I am at coping things.
I was tired. Of a thing that keeps repeated again and again, and again. Of feeling so unwanted, not worthy, and forgotten.
Is it too much, to ask for someone's time--a tiny, just a tiny little bit of it? So little, even the time that is needed to finishing a meal would be ten times longer?
I wish I could tell how desperately I longed for a word or two from you, telling me... anything? Maybe things you had done that day, people you met in the meantime, or simply saying something about my previous words... anything. It does not have to be a paragraph long, does not even have to be something important. Or if there is nothing you want to say about yourself, at all, I wish you would ask things about mine,
if I matter.
Now I wish I have the answer for that question;
do I matter?
Because each and everytime you went AWOL, I am left with such insecurities, and you knew it. You knew it because I have told you, though I have lost count of how many times, of how miserable you make me feel by leaving me hanging. You knew it but still, you did it. Without feeling even the slightest guilt, because you will be back easy as if nothing is wrong.
But the funny part is, I have always tried my best to be okay with that and responded to you just the way you acted,
as if nothing is wrong.
So maybe that is it. Maybe I am just not as significant as I thought I was for you, and that is why I do not deserve to hear some little things about you on daily basis.
And I am sorry, but I am done explaining what it makes me feel. It does not matter anyway, does not it?
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Temanku, Rindu
Perkenalkan, temanku. Namanya Rindu.
Ia muncul kala hari berganti pekan dan pekan berganti bulan sejak pertemuan terakhirku denganmu. Barangkali kamu lupa, tapi aku tidak. Senyummu di kolong langit senja, setiap jengkal tegap tubuh tinggimu di sampingku. Boleh tidak sih, kujadikan kamu gantungan kunci saja? Agar dapat kubawa ke manapun aku menuju.
Ia juga muncul kala rangkaian pesan, sebagian berisi canda dan bagian lainnya adalah tanya, terbaca namun tak kunjung ada balasnya. Kupikir, ah sudahlah, kamu sedang sibuk dan aku tak lebih penting bagimu, dari apapun itu pekerjaanmu. Bukan masalah, aku tak harus jadi penting bagimu. Biar kamu saja yang penting bagiku.
Bahkan ia muncul kala kamu akhirnya mewujud di hadapan mata, membawa kisah tentang apa dan siapa dalam hari-harimu. Ya, ia tetap muncul, Sayang, karena ia mencari kamu dari tahun-tahun yang lalu.
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I find my joy in simple things.
In taking my guitar and strumming some chords whenever I need a few-minutes break from doing homeworks.
In reading good books, on my bed, when rain is pouring down hard outside my window.
In consuming unreasonable amount of ice cream everytime I am having an ugly day.
In listening to some random old songs on the radio and still being able to sing all the part along.
In watching the earliest episode of my favorite TV shows and seeing my favorite cast saves the day once again.
In taking a bath after one long exhausting and sweaty day, then applying some fresh-smelled skin care.
In hugging my mom, so hard it is almost like I am squeezing her essence out of her body (well, I am sorry Mom, but you are so huggable!).
In having my guy around--whatever it is that we are doing.
.
.
.
I hope you find yours too in all the little things you do.
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Aku pernah begitu mencintai menjadi sendiri. Bagiku kala itu, akulah teman terbaikku. Bersama orang lain merepotkan, hanya memaksaku untuk berbagi ruang, saat yang sebenarnya kuinginkan adalah bebas. Keputusanku adalah atas kenyamananku, kesukaanku, dan hanya sebatas itu pertimbanganku. Maka, apa lagi yang lebih indah dari menjadi milik hanya diriku sendiri (selain Sang Pencipta--sudah jelas, kan)?
Ah, tapi, jika ada cinta yang bertahan sepanjang dunia berusia, cintaku yang tadi itu bukan salah satunya.
Semesta curang, meski aku tak keberatan juga, sih. Ia berkonspirasi saat waspadaku tak terpasang rapi, saat kesiapanku tak berada pada tempatnya. Seenaknya saja ia mempertemukanku dengan seebuah alasan berwujud manusia. Alasan untuk berbagi ruang. Alasan untuk melepas bebas. Alasan segala keputusan yang bukan atas kenyamananku, bukan atas kesukaanku.
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Being Strangers
It's kind of tragic--the fact that sometimes we have to let go of our special someone in order to keep another around. I myself have experienced that a long time ago... and recently experienced it again.
Back then, when it happened to me for the first time, the decision wasn't mine--I somehow lost a friend, one of my best, because of misunderstanding between me, him, and my boyfriend at that time. That hurts, because well... things ended up in the ugly way. I honestly still have my regret, even until this very moment.
But this time, it is all on me. I am the one who choose to turn my back, to leave. Not because I want to, I swear, but because I have something I can't imagine losing--someone I can't imagine losing, whom I will always choose over any other person. Over any other guy.
Because I have made my choice of whom I want to be with and not gonna change that anytime soon--hopefully ever.
It's not easy, and I am fully aware of it, to actually let go of someone I've shared too many things with. Of someone I'd call at 3 am whenever I am lacking sleep. Of someone who'd drive XX km just to be my lunch company. Of someone who gave me his coat everytime it rained.
Of someone who said would wait.
I've learned the hard way that we will eventually losing people around us as we grow older and left with only a few ones who basically are meant to be there from the first place, until maybe the end. So this probably be it--he probably wasn't meant to be around me any longer and I have to accept it. Because if stay friends would hurt too much, being strangers is the only option we have.
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It's another day end, another tired self of hers. She lays down on her bed, hands on her phone, scrolling the screen--reading practically nothing.
And it rings.
"Hell... o," she stumbles. Not because she doesn't know who calls her at that time of the day--even almost another day, but because she's not expecting any call at all. Not from him.
"How's life, T?" he asks, warm as always.
"Fine. It always is."
He laughs. "No, there's always a day or two when it's not. It's you who never tell, never show, if anything goes wrong--if somehow you need a helping hand. You need to get rid of that habit, you know."
Then there is silence for a few seconds long, leave her reminiscing the old days when what he said was true.
"Well... I guess I've changed."
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What if I see you, five years from now, wearing dark blue polo t-shirt and a black parachute jacket, unaware of my appearance.
I steal a glance at your big opened palms and the remembrance suddenly comes up, of how did it taste on my shoulders back then.
I wonder, are you happier now?
Because I see you, but I don't see us.
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#TemanTapi???
You must have seen promotions related to a movie newly being shown in cinemas--#TemanTapiMenikah--I presume. How can you not tho, if you aren’t living under a rock, if it’s widely spread in the media. And to sweeten the advertisements, there were issues of its casts being in a relationship. Bucin berbayar, my friend said.
Well--talking about being in a relationship with your bestfriend, as what the movie was all about, I have my own story. But unfortunately (or not) it ended far from ‘menikah’ (NOT THAT I ALREADY AM MARRIED BY NOW, THO).
It started on junior high school, almost a decade ago (I hate that it emphasizes my oldness). We were classmates and part of the same ‘circle’, so everything just went by naturally. We didn’t even realize we were getting closer, more than with the others.
The next year, on the 8th grade, we were coincidentally in the same class again. We started to spend break time together, have midnight conversations (via Y!M, which was a thing back then. A huge thing), etc. I started to tell him things I wouldn’t tell the others, including who I was attracted to at that time. After the 3rd guy, I pushed him to tell the same kind of thing to me--girl he liked, blablabla, yet he never did. He said he liked no one, because his standard was so high no girl in our school suits it. Nah. Bullshit.
We were, again, being classmates in 9th grade--the year when everything turned... well, dramatic. People started to see us as a package of two, asking why we weren’t just dating when we spent most of the time at school together. I laughed at them, said “apaan sih, enggak mungkin, kali!” confidently. Then I had a relationship (with other guy), and not long after I started mine, he suddenly had his own too. But both his and mine ended even before a month--turned out those were just some temporary sparks.
It was him--the one I looked for when I had something in mind, something to share, something to rant about, something to cry over, which practically means everything. I could lay on his lap or shoulder for minutes while our other friends played some songs in front of the class (or even inside when the teacher didn’t show up). He knew what meal I preferred to had for lunch, the exact drink I would buy, even bought those for me when I didn’t feel like went out from class.
Then came the day when he finally stated that he liked me, that he had been feeling so since 7th grade (which has gone two years from the night he said this), that he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
I wasn’t so sure, if I might be completely honest, of my own feeling when I said yes (yet I did). I knew it has changed from feelings-for-an-ordinary-friend into something, but I didn’t know if that was it--if you know what I mean. What came into my consideration was he has been so nice to me, what could have gone wrong if I try this?
He is my bestfriend. If I say no, I ruin everything.
NOT that I didn’t have feelings for him, obviously. I did--how could I not? But well, you know, it was just...
...okay. So, here goes the story of the relationship itself.
The first months were fine, I was treated sweet, way sweeter than ever. I was introduced to his family (he did introduce me to his mom and sister before we dated, but that was with our other friends), I even chatted on daily basis with his mom. He rode me to school (we graduated junior high school), didn’t mind that my school was about 20 km from his school. He came to my house frequently, brought me roses, chatted with my parents. For a relationship of high school kids... dude, that was huge.
But things went miserable when we entered our fourth month. He became... what I thought was possessive, and I felt uncomfortable with that. I hated that he interfered my friendship with other guys--one time he even harshly mentioned one of my friend on Twitter, somehow scolding him (my friend) for trade some jokes with me, and I thought that was shameful.
I broke him up on the phone
and
officially
ruined
everything.
I fvcking ruined everything.
By the call I made that night, not only I lost a boyfriend, I also lost my bestfriend. We’ve never be the same ever since. He’s never be the same. That night, he said I should blame myself if he did something stupid, if he turned bad or something. It was all on me.
Both of us fell sick right after that time we even got hospitalized (not in the same hospital, of course). My other friends came to visit me after visited him and told me he was so damn broken and again, that was all on me. They said I was unfair, I was wrong, ungrateful.
I wish we could be what we were before the relationship again--bestfriends. Nah, not happening. Not even close.
Tonight, I miss him. I hope he knew.
PS: http://tiard.tumblr.com/post/47871595019/maaf-dan-terimakasih was a letter that has never sent for him, from me.
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"Why did you choose him over me, if I may know?" he asked me, one of his hand reaching the coffee cup, then slowly sipping from it. His eyes were intense, looking at mine.
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2017 Through My Eyes
So yea, here we are again, at that time of the year–when moments are merged into memories, and dreams into resolutions. Re-resolutions, to be exact, because those are just the list you told yourself to achieve in the end of the preceding year. And a year before.
This is that time, when the time itself seems like running out of time… if it makes sense.
2017 was hard for me–not gonna lie about that. It wasn’t all stormy, that’s true, I’m not some pathetic character on soap operas whose life is all sorrow anyway. There were many things I’ve been being thankful for about this year as well but still, this year… was hard.
I started this year by being one of the caretakers of an organization. I knew from the first place that it was going to be nowhere near sugar, spice, and everything nice, nonetheless I still accepted the mandate. I can’t say now that it was my best decision, notwithstanding it has taught me oceans. I learned a lot–not only about technical organizing skill, but also… well, other things. I learned how to encounter some particular types of person, how to work in a group–even lead one, how to stay calm under the pressure so you can still get the friggin job done, et cetera. I discovered that somehow people could be so hard by being so different with you yet you still have to professionally interact with them and override your disturbed ego, no matter how bad you wanna slap them in their face. I figured out that something intangible could be tremendously demanding and to overlook those demands is never an option because those are your responsibility. I figured out that it could be unexpectedly relieving when you sincerely put your behalf after other’s; that hiding your own sadness behind a smile is one useful trick to keep the good vibes around–fake a smile until you eventually forget that you’re faking it, they said. Well, somethings are just meant to be faked, I guess.
Not that I want to extend the mandate anytime longer, though. I’ll still have it until the first two months next year–if everything goes well. And that will be enough. I’m so ready to wave this business goodbye and pass my thanks.
Another highlight of my life: I left town for a month and a half, doing my fieldwork–having my first experience of staying out of home in a long period. It took place in Dumai, Riau–in an oil refinery company, under the extremely blazing sun of Sumatera. I wore coverall, safety helmet, and big leather boots everyday, wandering around old iron towers. I was freakin nervous at first, because yea you know, we tend to be afraid of something we don’t know.
It started with a three-day training where all interns from every department were being gathered. Some dudes were nice and friendly, some others were being way too friendly it became irritating–I even had to pretend I was on the phone just to avoid any further conversation with them. I didn’t know which ones were my partners yet at that time but I doubtlessly hope they weren’t the annoying dudes–God heard me.
My partners were two guys from Surabaya and they were far from annoying–they were super fun, exactly the kind of person I need to survive six weeks being in a foreign place with no source of entertainment other than each other. There weren’t so many things to do along the office hour and I’d certainly be bored as hell if they weren’t there. You know, I have never been the type of person who can easily get along with others, but I immediately felt close with them two–something a bit surprising. They taught me how to jump into a pick-up car, how to play whatever-online-game-that-was, how to speak some daily Javanese vocabularies–they even shielded me from the annoying dudes when we accidentally ran into them. Gosh, I miss them so much!
Only a week after I got home from Dumai–exactly seven days later, my dad passed away. It has been more than 4 months by now, but I still remember everything that happened back then–every details. It wasn’t more than 3 am when my mom recited “laa haula walaa quwwata illa bilah” loudly, again and again. I came out of my room and saw my dad laying on his desk–his body was shaking and his eyes half closed. I called for ambulance but there was no answer, so I rode my motorbike with my hands trembling, heading to the nearest clinic which possibly had one–I found nothing. We finally took my dad by our own car–I drove. I’ve never driven as thrilled as that–my hands couldn’t stop trembling, my eyes were burning, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to cry. I wasn’t supposed to be weak at that time–I had to handle everything.
No matter how much I loved my dad, Allah loved him more. He called him that morning, to gave him a better place, to stop him from suffering any further.
I once promised my dad not to cry when he’s gone, but it turned out that I broke the promise. He was my hero, my number one man, how could I be not crying when he’s gone? I still do even until now, it still hurts to realize that he’s not coming back home.
Well–there’s still a lot of things to tell about my 2017, but sometimes pictures tell more than words, so here goes some documentaries about another year that is passing by in my life. Last words, I hope you had a wonderful year and getting a more wonderful one!
(I was in Makkah for Umrah on last year “new year’s eve”–wish I could go back to this holy place again someday.)
(Having upper respiratory tract infection as I came back to Indonesia after Umrah–got hospitalized again 9 months later for the same reason. New record has been made: hospitalized twice in a year! Not a good record, I know.)
(PSDA MBWG, thanks for teaching me how to lead a team–although it turned out that leading isn’t really one thing I can say that I’m good at, but still, thank you–especially to some who’s still sticking until the last time!)
(I took connected flight from Jakarta to Dumai, but because my first flight was delayed for four friggin hours, I was left by my second flight and compensated by a hotel room for one night. This was a mirror selfie in its bathroom.)
((from left to right) Bima & Farid, my fieldwork mates! Thanks for being such fun partners, you two!)
(Battnite! Never a dull moment being in the middle of these people.)
(Being a morning market merchant to make some money–turned out it was fun!)
(Last kulap with Nathaloka Arkana. Given fancy meals and plentiful snacks, what a nice closing for our kulap life!)
(My savior angel of this semester. Really, what would I be without this annoying-sounded human being?)
(October graduation ceremony. I always love the vibes of graduation.)
(BMBC 2017. Got pretty good result–hard work paid off.)
(When I said hard work up there, I meant these people’s.)
(Finishing DTL-I! Those sleepless night ended here. Much thanks to these four who had accepted this way-too-chill self of mine. Couldn’t ask for any better team mates!)
(Visiting Ayah. I know he had never been into flowers, but well–something bright is needed sometimes, am I right?)
(Last belajar bareng for this semester. Couldn’t really nail the exam on the next day, but it doesn’t matter as long as the others couldn’t do it as well^^)
(After the long awaited sidang KP. Received so much love in the form of sweet snacks–I was touched. The next sidang will be thesis defense–oh my God!)
(Last but not least–this guy. Little does he know that he has taught me a lot this year, just as he did the year before, and the year before.)
PS: it was still 2017 when I started writing this but things went a bit longer than I planned–now it’s 2018 already. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!
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Sorry
We hurt others without we know it sometimes. By the way we talk, the way we act; even just by being exist--somehow.
I'm sorry if I ever hurt you;
by the way I talk,
the way I act,
or simply just by being exist.
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Datanglah kapanpun ingin datang. Tidak apa jika hanya ingin singgah atau hanya ingin melepas lelahmu saja. Sungguh tidak apa. Tetap datang kapanpun ingin. Pintuku tetap terbuka, hatiku tetap menerima
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There are times you wish you could say no to your very own heart; to the urge of talking to him, of taking one step closer upon his appearance.
There are times you feel like you are the uppermost fool for forgiving way too easily; even when you are hurt, a bit shattered.
Or not a bit; you never shattered for just a bit. Cause when you are wrecked, you are wrecked big.
But there your heart is; defending. "People made mistake. So did he."
Your heart is kind, too kind.
Or not kind; it is
w
we
wea
weak.
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Sometimes I don't get him; how could he said, how could he did such things.
Some other times I don't get myself;
why do I stay.
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