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tsarscur · 2 days

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🤠🚬

#I think I might have already reblogged this but who cares #he's smoking hot huh

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tsarscur · 3 days

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somewhat horny: i have to get Fucked!

quite a bit horny: can we pretend i’m an elven prince and the necromancer’s curse turns me into a demon on the full moon and the only way to cure me is to have my Womb filled by a chivalrous knight . and can you make sure you say soem shit like ‘forsooth’ and ‘by my honor’ and stuff. mngh

hornier than anyone has ever been: i need to kiss someone and get married

#that sounds like a great gwag audio #hell it sounds like a perfect FunSize4Audibles audio specifically #emotionally unavailable traumatised bottoms are his specialty if you will

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tsarscur · 3 days

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cock from an orc that will protect you from harm... and hes gay

#*a deep sigh of yearning*

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tsarscur · 4 days

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So, I've read "Real Service" by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny and I guess this is some sort of a review, because boy do I have a bone to pick.

Disclaimer: I'm an unkissed virgin - never had sex, never was in a relationship, the amount of hugs I received from non-family members can be counted on fingers of my hands. (Yes, this is the place where you dunk on me, because dunking on me is always a good idea.) So pretty much all of this (except for the part at the very end but we'll get to it) is purely theoretical.

Disclaimer 2: I am very pro kink and I have absolutely no problem with the contents of the book in general or whatever consenting adults do.

Bonus disclaimer: Reading this book made me adamant in my understanding that I could never do anything even remotely close to what is described in it and if I for whatever reason decided to try I would start biting maiming and killing really fast.

The book is about people who live in 24/7 master/servant (slave) relationship and is focused on proving 'real service' (hence the title) and I have three problems with it - attitude towards the main subject, tone addressed to the reader and some nitpicking about skill lists they provide at the end.

Attitude: the authors highlight several times throughout the book that they are discussing 'real' service - incorporating the servant doing actually useful things for the master as opposed to 'roleplay' in which the service subject itself is made up - and they make a big point of separating themselves from the 'roleplaying' people.

This is my biggest bone - my femur if you will - because no matter how useful, mundane or boring the service is it's still not 'real' - the dynamic is made up - you made it up for your own enjoyment. If your dynamic involves the servant constantly doing laundry for the master purely for the enjoyment of the process you're not different than people who meet up once a month to do maid roleplay.

I am saying all this because in their persistence in portraying the whole thing as 'real' I feel like they get too caught up in it - specifically in the roles themselves - and treat it a tad too seriously. I'm not trying to diminish the importance of those roles for anyone, but they're still made up and here I would probably agree with the authors of the New Topping and Bottoming books, who while briefly discussing 24/7 dynamics say that they cannot truly be 24/7 - every once in a while you need to take a step back and communicate outside of roles (maybe not face to face but in writing), because factoring the roles into all the communication seems like it might be making those communications unnecessarily difficult.

So, yeah, if misbehaving slaves becomes a real tangible problem in your life maybe take a step back and look at the situation in reality. Or turn yourself in.

Tone: this is more of a 'vibe' thing than an actual problem, but throughout most of the book - all two hundred or however many electronic pages - I felt like I was being scolded for something I didn't do. To yet again compare to Topping and Bottoming books as my main reference points - in them the authors keep a pretty good balance of positive and negative examples - of 'dos' and 'don'ts' and in general make a bigger emphasis on joy, while here it felt like most of the book consisted of 'don'ts'.

Nitpicking: alright, so this is truly in accordance to the title of this part - it's going to be about specific details of the last part of the book - "Skillsets". In that part they suggest sets of skills in different areas and they separate every set in three categories, the one I'm going to be talking the most is "remedial skills" which are - and I quote: "skills we think it is reasonable to assume that any competent adult be able to do." Whatever they're supposed to be 'competent' in - I can only assume that they're competent in 'adulting' if you excuse my millennialism. "Basic skills are what we’d expect to be within the capabilities of most servants who routinely provide service in an area. Advanced skills are specialized skills that someone focusing on that area of service would not necessarily be expected to have, but that a servant with more experience might be able to offer. Many require a strong aptitude for the task, specific training, or fairly extensive study."

Credit where credit is due, there's also this note: "I don’t mean to imply that anyone who lacks these remedial skills is stupid or was raised by wolves," but I feel like in some cases this note doesn't really cover it.

The first thing that did throw me off a bit and I even discussed it with my parents was the list of basic skills in home maintenance that included among other things:

"Install common large appliances (washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, stove, etc.)" - which sounds generally unsafe and also like something that will make you wave your warranty goodbye.

"Use common power tools (circular saw, electric sander, power drill) confidently" - circular saw? Anyone who has a decent experience in house maintenance is supposed to know how to use a circular saw.

"Patch drywall" - this made me finally google what exactly is 'drywall' and just no comments here.

In the "Automotive" section the very first thing we find the 'remedial skills' is:

"Have a driver’s license, and be able to drive reasonably safely" - tell me you're American centric without saying it.

And then in 'advanced skills' we have this:

"Safely exceed the speed limit or violate minor traffic regulations, under orders, when appropriate" - which genuinely left me speechless - if your master tells you to violate traffic regulations - get away from them.

The whole "Companionship" section is pretty much saying 'don't be autistic' for example with bits like this in 'basic skills':

"Observe people’s physical/voice cues and discern their emotional state with reasonable accuracy in most cases.

Discern your master’s emotional states and figure out what demeanor and tone is appropriate to each one."

And now we're coming to my favourite part "Sexual skills" first two points in which made me have a tiny little breakdown in front of my mother at the supper table:

"Have experience giving and receiving manual stimulation, oral sex, and some type of penetrative sex" - okay, so don't be a virgin in any way shape or form. Alright.

"Reach orgasm by some reasonable method in under twenty minutes" - what the fuck is this?! I don't know whose ass did you pull those twenty minutes from, but you better put it back there - they were probably an important part of their digestive system. For this I literally have no words and way too many words at the same time, because I know a lot of statistics on times of reaching orgasm - alone and with a partner and also a few anecdotal examples (including myself) that are outliers in those statistics. Anyway, sometimes it takes me more than an hour to cum by 'some reasonable method', fuck you.

Also in 'basic' and 'advanced' skills we find these two statements respectively:

"Be able to tolerate uncomfortable or moderately painful SM activities that you don’t enjoy, without psychological harm"

And

"Be able to eroticize and respond enthusiastically to almost any sexual, fetish, or SM activity that is not excessively painful.

Be able to tolerate substantially painful SM activities without psychological harm."

Which it feels like I'm not reading this right, but why would you need to be tolerate uncomfortable and painful SM activities you don't enjoy if you... don't enjoy them? These are one of the last paragraphs of a BDSM book telling you to participate in SM activities you don't enjoy - I am losing the plot.

I took this to take a break from the first volume of "Capital", but I found myself missing Marx with his formulas and tables. I will certainly enjoy getting back to the book where unpaid labour is a bad thing, actually.

P.S. if I was in the habit of making videos this would have been a very angry rant and I even thought of recording it but then I realised nobody's going to listen to it. Not like anyone is going to read this either but still.

#book review #real service #Raven Kaldera #books #bdsm education #?#bdsm theory #I don't know how to tag #also holy hell this is more than a thousand words long

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tsarscur · 5 days

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Thus heaven's gift to us is this: That habit takes the place of bliss.

Based on this amazing audio by FunSize4Audibles - it's the first part to a whole series and I love it a lot (again - third and fourth parts are one of my favourite audios from GWAG just in general), but, if I do write a continuation to this I'll most probably only take the very beginning of the premise (the one I'm already using here).

Premise: The plot is yet again classical: the elven and human kingdoms are on the brink of war and they decide to join lineages to prevent it, so the human prince comes the the elves to wed the elven prince and then live at the elven kingdom.

TW: arranged marriage, slight degradation, sexual implications.

Notes: the actually good parts at the beginning are just the original script which I no doubt butchered while retyping. The whole thing is unedited as per usual.

Word count: around 1000.

When the door closes behind them the human lets out an exhausted breath and the elf is not far behind him:

"Thank the gods, I thought that ceremony would never end," and without a pause he orders, "a bath should already be drawn for you, go clean yourself," and then noticing the look his new husband is giving him he continues annoyedly, "What? What are you staring at, human? I told you to go bathe yourself, I don't particularly care for the way you smell."

"Well, that sure is s a change of attitude," the human prince raises an eyebrow in slight confusion.

"Do you mean to tell me, you actually believe what I said in my vows," the elf lets out a bitter laugh, "I know humans were foolish, but to actually think that one of noble birth could be that stupid. This is a political marriage, you dolt. We haven't said but two words to each other before today. You think I could actually love you? Now clean yourself, stop looking at me like that. Don't mistake me - I have no interest whatsoever in humans - especially some noble brat that can't tell his head from his backside. The only reason you are here is because my fathers wished to prevent a war and saw me as an acceptable bargaining piece. I was under the impression that you were here for much the same reason. To think I ended up for such a senseless romantic for a husband."

"Last time I checked, you were the one sending me love letters," the human's eyebrows keep being permanently quirked throughout the whole speech.

"Love letters?" the elf's tone stays annoyed but gets a pitch higher, "I've never sent you a single one!"

"Well," his new husband steps to one of his chests, still keeping the reminders of the recent travel on it, opens it and ducks in, opening some box inside of it. Looking over the human's shoulder the elf sees a whole lot of letters separated into sections by catalogue-like marks - clearly alphabetised. Out of that box the human fishes out a stack of about half a dozen envelopes, "these letters," he gives the letters to the elf, or rather the elf grabs it from his hands as soon as he sees them.

"Let me see this," the elf groans, "This is utter drivel - 'I long for your touch even now and my loins quiver when I imagine our wedding night' - to think my fathers would go to this length to secure this marriage. This must have been a fabrication from my fathers' poet. I hate that man and not just because my father's been fucking him for over a decade and thinks that nobody knows. But that certainly reeks of the tasteless smut that seems to just spew forth from his quill."

"Well, that explains why you, or rather he," the human prince corrects himself, "was starting to sound desperate."

"What?"

"Well, I've been trying to tell him pretty much the same, that you were to me now - just a little more politely," the human's tone is a little teasing, "that maybe we should get to know each other at least a little bit, before getting to loin quivering".

"Good to know we're on the same page," the elf is now confused enough to even forget to be upset for a moment.

"Then let me take my pillow and blanket, I'll go take that bath you want me to so badly and sleep on the couch for tonight," the human reaches for the bed spread, but his husband stops him with a loud surprised:

"What?! How?!" he almost leaves his mouth hanging open, but his manners show themselves and he closes it after all.

"We don't know each other and your highness has expressed a displeasure with how I smell," the human jokingly bows his head, "so it's only logical for us to sleep separately."

"But the we have to consummate our marriage?!" the elf starts sounding downright exasperated.

"Why? I didn't see anyone standing by the door," the human prince thinks aloud, "Or are they expecting blood on the sheets? Then I can cut my hand or"

"No! I can't believe humans have such barbaric customs," the elf interrupts him and disgust comes back to his voice.

"Not anymore," the human doesn't argue with the elf's opinion, "but why do we have to consummate it then?" he slightly frowns his eyebrows.

"To make our union legitimate in the eyes of our gods," the elven prince answers haughtily.

"Oh," the human's face blooms with a wide smile of relief, "if there are any gods out there, I assure you - they have more important things to do than to supervise if we shag today - or any other day for that matter."

"But that's blasphemy!" disgust and haughtiness switch for shock yet again.

"Then if any gods do care if we have sex today they should strike me right here where I stand," the human raises his eyes to the ceiling as if addressing the hypothetical gods, "I'll wait for ten seconds," he puts his hands to his sides, expectedly and when in a bit there's no lightning or thunder he looks back at his husband, "See? They don't care," he smiles again and finally grabs his pillow and blanket.

He brings them to a narrow ottoman and with one swift motion turns it to look away from the bed and to the balcony, while the elf silently watches.

"Good night," the human puts his hand to his temple in something barely resembling a military salute.

"Good night," the elven prince responds barely with a whisper, while the human closes the curtain by the bathtub after himself. The elf lies back on the big empty bed and forcefully shuts his eyes. He thinks that it's not what he was expecting but it could have been much worse. He promises himself he won't open his eyes until he hears the human lying down - after all he's not at all interested in how his new husband look naked.

#gwag #FunSize4Audibles #mlm fiction #mlm fantasy #elf x human #writing #I thought since this is about gwag it should probably go on this account too #even if it's... not good

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tsarscur · 8 days

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🦎💀: "i'm a bit busy right now, come back later"

#maybe I can help with whatever you're busy with

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tsarscur · 8 days

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Oke so we all get those horny ass almost porn anime advertising, but, why does is always have to be spotless twig ladies with eyes and noses made pretty by inbreeding like you would a pug? Like??? I know yall take our data and privacy is a myth, but look at the things I like, look at the shit I post???

At least give me, my fat hairy steph dad wants me to suck his balls and slurp up his cum or he'll expose me to the world as a cockhungry twat, or someting like that??? Now that's a game I'll play

Ty for listening to my rant, I might have to draw that dad I have in my head now... for... reasons

#oh absolutely #can hear this in grinnnigpup's voice already

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tsarscur · 11 days

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Source - wuedti

(Artist's Bluesky and Plurk)

#wowieee #I would love to take the bull by the horns

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tsarscur · 12 days

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70% of the socially acceptible hornyposting on this website is bottomposting. let's normalize posting about like. glazing a bunnyboy like a cake. filling him like a doughnut. i don't know why those are both food euphemisms but you get the idea. cum in his pussy tuesday or whatever

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tsarscur · 12 days

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"why are orcs hot? I don't get it"

if you can't understand the allure of a huge brute with a tire iron for a jaw and hands as big as your head (with a cock to match) I cannot help you

#we can also bond over having weird teeth

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tsarscur · 13 days

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What it says: The story behind two idols. What I read: The story behind two idiots.

#the story behind two idols #?#sana #(you might know him as the author of Goblin Cave and if you don't - don't bother)#(also I googled and how the hell can this have a ticktock fandom - it's porn?!)

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