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Justice to my tumblr
I think i havent done justice to my tumblr. Theres been sooooooo many amazing things that i havent written down. Omg i really need to start my grateful journal again.... 1) being home with my mum and dad and sister and brother is heaven on its own. Waking up to work, getting dressed up, salam baba when i get the chance, and wanting to statt my car with my mum already waiting outside to hug goodbye to me. Every morning we have this insanely super tight hug that no words could describe. I dont need any vitamins in the morning because that warmth from her body and our chests rubbing against each other and our shoulders bolting slightly upwards just perfectly molds us into one for a short 2-3 seconds. I get the energy and love and strength and support from that. All the unspoken words reveals itself then. All of my past worries goes away. I have new hopes for the day after that hug. When there are days when i had a bad dream, she'd be the first to know and my mind automatically shuts off from all the negativity of that disturbing dream. My god. My mother. She is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And thats not it. Every night saying night mi love you seems to send my entire soul and body and mind to rest. I just need that from her and im a happy woman. Having her everytime i come back from work exercising which is ridiculously funny is amazing. Having her prepare food even though shes tired and jist because she feels bad not cooking especially since she has seen me eating bits and pieces here and there of her lauk makes me sooooooooo loved. Even seeing her there makes me soooooooooooooo sad thinking of when things will permanently change which i hope to be never Then we had pak longs passing. It was so hard and it still is. Im still not ready to talk about it because i held on to him so dearly Then we had the jogja trip which was heaven on earth. This time around, the trip was filled with fun activities that we all enjoyed that even with wifi, we were not so bothered with it. It honestly was the best trip ive ever had with them. Only pictures live for memories. I hope this is how all of our trips will be like in the future. Tomorrow we r going off to terengganu for the weekend And then ive met my kajang girls which are just so humbling. They just bring me back down to my roots and its just toooo special. I dont need to try to be different. I am me when im with them. Then having my mrsm girls also makes it super relieving. Everyones just so grown up and trying to find their purpose in life that it just seems funny, like little kids playing family and playing lets be a doctor lets be an engineer lets wirk at a bank. But you know, thats wht life is about. To venture withought much knowledge and expectations. Just the blessings of my extended family is so comforting. Nithing really beats having the chance to treat them to dinner or have them stay over at your place and go home over the moon than that. All in all. Too many positive and happy things that has happened within the past 6 months.
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I want a guy who goes through each of my insta posts and asks me the meaning behind the shots and the captions I want a guy who makes interior design preferences with me I want a guy who i can trust to manage our finances sturdily I want an old soul guy who loves to learn my nieces' n nephews' names
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Stupid wifi
Current location : Buffalo, NY Current Date : June 19, 2017 Current People : Family So we (le familia) just started our roadtrip today. We'll be going to Buffalo, Portland, Boston, NY, DC. It's day one but I already feel antsy about things. Remember how Ive always felt bored and wanted to socialize since living alone? Like the room's full but I still feel empty and quiet? Well it's the same here. EVERYONES ON THEIR FREAKING PHONE. Like wth? What are family holidays for? In the car, there's no one saying anything. Everyone's sleeping and I don't know if it's because of Ramadhan or what but it's hella boring. No communication, no teasing, no small jokes, no sharing, nothing at all about from the faint Korean background music I put on to restrain me from sleeping. Then there's this wifi in the motel room. The moment everyone gets their hands on wifi, its them vs their own little superficial cyber world. No one's talking to one another and what's the point of having a vacation really? I longed for some bonding time quality time but wow. I'd feel a thousand times better without these stupid smartphones.
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What was supposed to be my day became entirely yours I was over the moon But your bitchy face mode was on with your period thing Fine It was supposed to be my day I was supposed to take pictures with my friends And you just had to shrug Showing how desperate you wanted to be out Screaming how hot it was And how there were just so many people Where all you needed was home To which of course youll nonstop complain either way It just had to be all about you All i asked was a day in all freaking four years And you failed miserably I had to pretend to be okay But obviously i wasnt Even a blind man could see it You just had to make it all about you yet again Failing me who actually had the intention to try and befriend you Im so sad I cant do much Thanks again for being you
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T-8 till Graduation
Today’s June 6th, 2017
Marks exactly one week away from that special date
That day that I’ll be coming home with a scroll in my hand
A degree of the hard work and sacrifice within the past four years
Of intense studying, cheat sheets, and Chegg
That I’ve put into this degree called Mechanical Engineering
Which I hope to use wisely and bring me great success
Not just for myself, but for my parents and also my future offspring
To aspire those around me
To study hard, play hard, and break out of that comfort zone
And empower women and minorities
Not only proving them but to also set a new stereotype
That there is no such term as stereotype.
T-8 till graduation
Where I’ll start that career life
No longer bounded by grades
But rather my critical, logical, and analytical skills
Where I’d be responsible for my own actions
And expected to push myself in that field.
Also to start that life
Where money would suddenly become the main topic
Determining whether or not I can afford an AAA insurance
Or a black card
Or something as small as a RM300 Nike.
I’m just hoping that money won’t blind me in sha Allah.
T-8 till graduation
Where each year from then onwards
I’ll be nearing more responsibilities
Once married and delivered,
Tendering to the kids will be top priority
And their needs will be my main concern
Sleepless nights will come thinking of ways to mold them
Into decent human beings with teachings of Allah
And enough knowledge and wisdom to live their life
Because my teachings will determine whether or not
I’ll go into heaven or hell.
T-8 days till graduation
Where I promised myself to learn Arabic and Thai boxing
To travel Southeast Asia,
And to be present with my parents as much as I can
As long as time forbids.
Hoping to love myself first before finding a partner
Because he needs to accept all that I am
And tolerate it for the next 50 years together.
Anyway future Hidayah,
This is current 23 y/o Hidayah sitting on her bed
Listening to Zion T’s OO Album (I do hope you change your taste in music, preferable to Quranic verses)
With Hanisah by my right (she’s been here for 3 months)
And having my last paper ever for my degree years (MATH 311 which I need ot score 100% to get an A)
Goodluck for the future.
Remember to always be grateful
You need to always take care of your heart
Purify it all the time
Surround yourself with positivity and those with knowledge
So that you’ll always be close to HIm
Because the current Hidayah is in dire need of self-nourishment
When will that time ever come again?
Soon In sha allah.
Love you,
Love yourself,
Love your parents and family,
Love Allah.
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Post PMF 2017
~wild things, alessia cara~
currently half tucked in bed, with my laptop on my lappy and listening to alessia’s amazing vocals and with the fan facing towards us. yes, it’s an ‘us’, MY FREAKING SISTER IS HERE! She’s been here for the past three weeks now i think and it’s been amazing!!!! she got here on my first day exam free of winter quarter and has been here since. went to ny for spring break. had an AMAZING food venture, going to all parts of new york. tried otafuku, boba guys, bibble and sip, pokeworks, rainbow bagel, korean food, japanese food, endless matcha and just endless food. roughly $300 bucks for a 4 days trips with my sister. ah-ma-zing.
right now im here, post philadelphia malaysian night 2017. they had the mamak, kopitiam and bazar concept which was fantastic and outta this world! (food wise hehe) had 2 servings of laksa, 2 of rending, 2 rolls of roti jala, kuih ketayap, buah melaka, FREAKING KEROPOK LEKOR and milooo ahhhh so goooddddd.
it was sooo good and having her by my side made everything twice as memorable. loved every single moment of it. i saw a lot of people and just like she said, skimmed through the guys and rejected all those that have girlfriends HAHAHA. yeah, im in that stage where im looking for my other half. where are you?!! but until then, i’m just gonna cherish the companion gifted upon my sister HAHAHHA. bubbye loves
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urggghh im so frustrated
i fucking deleted my drexel courses folder on my mac
that was the most important folder on my computer since it has all the materials ive kept for 4 years. all of the knowledge i planned on keeping forever. like wtf?!
urghhhh everythings just so fucking annoying
my computers slow as fuck
i need a new one but have no money
i was told my sister would arrive next week but oh no change of plans they fucking changed it and shell be here on 23rd instead. like yeah give me false hope. go ahead!
urghhh im sooo pissed that i accidentally deleted my folder. ffffffuuuuu
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Tuesday, Feb 20th 2017
*big sigh*
there’s just too many things on my mind lately.
firstly, im completely obsessed with this guy from a korean kpop band that i initially didnt like just because they were mainstream. but once i saw their foolish and playful sides, i grew attached and obsessed with them, kept on going to my ‘explore’ tab on instagram to find all the fan sites based on them and based on this extremely good looking guy. i love his face, its sooo skinny and soft and triangular and his mouth is so small that it pouches naturally. i think this is the loneliness syndrome hitting me because im in that place where im longing to be with somebody. so to you, whom i will in the future babble none stop regarding my life journey and whining and thoughts, shall have to bear with me. its a lonnnnnngggggg story and i wish and dream for us to sit in bed and read all of my journals and diaries and tumblr posts and youtube videos and videos on my phone with hot chocolate and snacks next to our bed. of course, ill get all sweaty from all that sudden rush because i can finally share it with someone. and of course, you should know that my body reacts that way and you should know it by now, more than ever, that ive opened my heart out all for you and willing to get rid of that wall. so yeah, going back to this guy sehun, i just love how effortlessly good looking and tall and skinny and perfectly good looking (oops twice already hehe) he is. and hes kinda weird too, serious 50% of the time or blur or just really dont give a damn and 50% cheeky. but yeah. hes all about the branding tho, which i do not like. all of his airport purchases are high end products and i can see he cares for it a little bit too much, and i dont fancy that. 10points off of you sehun ahhaha. but oh well. i like having him as my ‘obsession’ right now since i dont have anybody special by my side right now to ooze over.
second, news have it that eera msu’s mum just passed away this morning. im absolutely terrified, anything can happen. it saddens me that as we are growing older and progressing in life and venturing into a different phase of our lives, our parents are going through that phase. and that phase is certainly not infinity and certainly unpredictable. i hate that. i hate facing the fact that people die and life moves on without them. i hate having to feel that absence but since time continues on anyway, in two three years time, you dont really feel that loss as much. i hate that. i feel like a betrayer because as time moves on, you have different things that you have to juggle with and thus, you kinda forget. i hate it. i know each human is like that and i know for a fact that ill be like that but please, hidayah, please remember your loved ones that passed away every single day. please. even just for a second before bed, please remember them. and to you, my other half, please be my eternal supporter and remind me to sedekahkan alfatihah to them every day before going to bed. please, i love you and for you to show me your love, please help me do this because those people that passed away were a major part of my life, and i literally couldnt live without them. please, please.
third. i would like to be more approachable and open to people. when i go back to malaysia, i wish to just hangout with my brother and sister during the weekends and take them out for dinners and just chill and get to know them as a person, not really as a sibling. because one you know them inside out, it automatically makes you love them unconditionally because of who they are, not because they are related to you by blood and birth. coz i love my friends and ive never had the same love for my siblings until recently. so yeah. id like to hang out with my brother more, especially because he has mellowed down and i think he has a lot of life lessons in his life. id also like to hang out with my dad more and you know at eid, id like to sit in the circle where my uncles talk and stuff. i just want to sit besides them and listen to their life stories. its interesting and where and when else can you gather those kinds of life experience? idk, i just cant wait to be back at home and be a different person, more optimistic and less judgmental.
fourth. pera’s getting married. sarah iman’s getting married. filzah and xxxxx’s getting married. migha’s otw. xxxxxx’s otw. kak norim and kak kin recently got married. im happy for everyone. im esthetic that everyone has found their other halves. i mean, marriage isnt all happy with birds singing lullabies to you. no, its about two people tolerating and loving each other more than themselves. to my other half, i hope that we can get to know each other inside out and talk till the sun goes up and just tell each other what weve been doing in the last 20-25 years alone. i know youll complete me and i know well have countless fights but please never give up on me because im really soft hearted with those i love and give in when you push the right buttons. please love me the way ill love you. never give up. never compare. accept me the way i am. support me. be happy for me. encourage me. motivate me. be kind to me. be funny to me. make me happy. and once in a while when life gets in the middle of everything and our kids are making us crazy as hell, take me out and lets have some us time. lets rekindle that love and lets remember why you chose me and why we chose each other. i have many sides of me, and im sure youll have surprisingly countless sides to your personality too (duh thats why i chose you), so please, lets embrace that and be happy together until forever. in sha allah. for allah’s sake. for he created us.
xoxo, dayah
~more than words
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music : Zion T | OO
this jam gives me chills
super relaxing
super flow
hey, you
cant wait to meet you
and to fall in love
see you xoxo
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Sometimes you have to fake it all To stop from bursting Because sometimes surpressing anger Is better than harsh words 'Fake till you can'
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You :)
I just read Vivy’s vlog like a minute ago when she blogged about her daughter and how Mariam starts Vivy’s day with a huge fat smile on her face.
Vivy then posted this Mom song from Meghan Trainor and I’m more than delighted by the lyrics!
One of the lines says “All the times That I cried She made me feel better.”
I remember distinctly all of the times I’ve cried (there’s only a few of that) in my Malaysian days. Malaysian days meaning Darjah 6 and above all the way up till Form 3, before going to MRSM.
I remember that one time I was going up the stairs, with the right hand full with the pile of clothes i just folded and had to tuck it in under my chin and my face practically determining whether or not it’ll fall. Not to forget, I also had one mineral bottle tucked under my armpits, just so I could kill two birds with one stone, bring everything I need upstairs without a second trip down.
Things were going okay for 2 seconds. Up the third steps, the bottle wriggled out of my armpit, fell, went in between the stair rails, and knocked down dad’s ship glass collection. Both mom and dad were sleeping that time in the living room and that crash woke them up from their sleeps. I myself was shocked and was frantic. What made it worst was that Dad woke up, practically screamed his head out to me. I dont blame him, he too was surprised, and for someone to be shocked, from sleeping, from a crashing sound, anyone would be that mad. I remember he was like why on earth are you bringing everything up all at once, why couldnt you use your head, think bla bla bla.
Shocked as everyone else was, I wailed out and stood there. I was freaking big too, was already form 1! Mom was mad that he burst out like that, scolded him, and told me to go upstairs. In my opinion, I understand both of their reactions. Dad being mad (guessing its his natural response to something as shocking) and mum’s scold of him (a woman’s natural response to protect their children).
Wailing and with shaking legs, I just cried in my room while mum cleaned up the broken pieces downstairs. I really dont care what happened to those things though.
Then my mum came into my room and just by hearing her footsteps, I guess I freaked out and kinda curled up in my bed even more, afraid to be scolded by her. Surprisingly, she came in and said “ its okay kakak. tkde apa. dah dah jgn nangis. takde apa apa. dh jgn ngis.” and hugged me.
Honestly, those are the times that made me realize that its okay to make mistakes and that there’s always gonna be someone with you. And it turns out that she’s always been there for me, no matter how bad the situation is. My Umi <3
Her gentle words and hands and heartbeat soothed me down so much that I think i just went to sleep crying my eyeballs out, weeping. But knowing that I have the best mom.
Case 2:
In year five, when mom asked me for something, and I said no, i regretted it so much. a year after that i apologized to her saying that i feel bad for such and such. turns out she remembered it too and the moment i said sorry, she smiled. hahah cant believe she was keeping it in her heart and waiting for my apologies.
hurm i miss my mom. you’re the best umi! I love you! I thank God everyday for having you in my life, as a role model, as a best friend, as a listener, as a soother, as a protector, as my everything. Dont know how I can ever repay all that you’ve done for me. I promise to be a better child and give you all that you deserve. I love you so much, I’d be lost without you. <3
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Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah,
i got, it, i got exxon.
words cant describe how i feel.
i feel so blessed with His grace. He helps me ALL the time, and never leaves me alone. He eases my path ALL the way, never failing me. He’s always giving me the best.
There’s nothing more powerful in life and more generous than Him
Islam, iman, family, frineds, health, knowledge, uk, sat, pmr, mrsm, drama, bwp, spc, spm, inti, mara, drexel, and now this. Alhamdulillah.
He has eased my path ALL the way. I don’t know how i’d live without Him.
I feel more grateful and scared than ever. Scared because it is true, He really is the One in charge.He sets everything so perfectly. I was going to start sending my resumes after finals and out of the blue, I got the email.
Am so scared that He knows everything, proof that He is the Master of all. Is it bad to be scared? To feel like somewhere along the line I will face hardships? I feel so scared but I know this is a sign for me to keep on being grateful.
Oh Allah, Thank You.
You’re truly the One <3
4th December 2016
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Ending of an EPIC chapter
November 6th 2016 In the car with the Spring Garden boys otw back home. It has officially ended, it has been a year since we first started working together. It wasnt until last night's dinner together till I felt a bit attached to these peeps. Thirah, myself, Aina, Nabil, Fariz and Tharma went to Crown's Fried Chicken. Talked from Surihati Mr Pilot to marriage to homelessness to personalities. I will definitely miss having the chance to meet new people and making new friends. Going to events and seeing familiar faces. Knowing theres other people out there that has the same vision as me. Tharma - amazing guy, most flexible leader ive met, very open to opinions, stands by his strong words and simply an amazing boss. It was truly great having him as my driver, one that believed in me and pushed me. Thank you Tharma. Nabil - got the wrong impression of him the very first moment we met but i conclude that i just dont know him quite as well to judge who he is as a person. All i know after that dinner is that he comes from a sibling of 9, and knowing that fact, i know he's attentive to detail and is actually quite comforting. He's a living proof to not judge books by its cover. Aleppo - genuinely respectful, strong individual. Loveeee the fact that hes found the one and is already married. His wife is a true reflection of him and I thank God for showing me that great men are for great women too. Thank you Allah Athirah - oh god, what else can i say. Truly, truly an amazing soul. Ill miss her, how she can be so open with me and how she can tolerate with me even tho im such an ass. Thank you Athirah for this amazing friendship, I love you😭😭😭 Bakte - such a reliable guy, and gives his all in everything. Intelligent yet still humble with His gifts Jijan - didnt have the chance to work with him that long but i know that hes such a passionate guy too. All the best in life coz i know you'll be on top on day! Aizan - such a weird intelligent guy but in a positive way. Could get on peoples nerves if not known beforehand, but does what he's told to do so with quality. Nice working with you aizan! Aina - youre such a soul aina! Thank you for being you and not caring what others say in you and proving that you are as amazing as other people. Please dont lose your amazing personality okayyyy Fariz - what else can i say? Never felt more comfortable with a stranger as quick as you. Stay strong buddy and i know youll find the most amazing individual as your lifelong best friend. I have high hopes in you Fadiz. Dont lose hope, im always here with you ❤️
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sick of feeling not being wanted or having to depend on people.
like i need to go to dc. i can always take the bus on my own but it’d be cheaper and easier to drive there since i’ll need a transport from the metro station to the hotel anyway. so i need someone to come pick me up. and yes shit happens and people just have to ‘get back to me’ to decide if i can come with them.
this is why i hate having to rely on people.
this is why i hate living here
i no longer want to live independently
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October 22, 2016
Currently feeling overwhelmed by little stuff
-“if you’re lost with your money, if you don’t know what to do with your money, just put that money at the mosques. Sedekah it to the mosque because once you leave that money in the hands of Him, there’s nothing better than having Him decide what it’s best used for. He’ll give you many rewards, MashaAllah. He knows best.”
-Harry potter festival
-That humble feeling you get when you pray at the mosque. It’s so big and quiet and peaceful, you wonder why you don’t spend much more time there.
-My parents surprising me with a birthday gift. Apparently “it’s something special”, according to my mum, “once in a lifetime”, according to my dad, and “hand me downs from generations’, according to my sister. It feels just right, because they bought me a flower for my freshmen year. Having a present my senior nicely wraps my lonely 4-years here, away from the family.
-As days pass by, I find more and more reasons to go back to my parents. It’s just so weird how traveling makes you appreciate all their sacrifices in raising you up <3
-Can’t wait to find the one. A, are you the one?
Love,
Dayah
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Candy Crush
What should I do if I saw someone for the first time and immediately had a strong gut feeling about him?
Is that a sign to be a feminist and move forth or stay put and miss this chance?
Ive been praying to God that if this is it, bring him to me when he is the most ready and I am the most prepared. To take care of the dear old me until that day.
Oh God, it’s really nerve-wrecking to see if it is really meant to be
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