Tuesday, Feb 20th 2017

*big sigh*

there’s just too many things on my mind lately.

firstly, im completely obsessed with this guy from a korean kpop band that i initially didnt like just because they were mainstream. but once i saw their foolish and playful sides, i grew attached and obsessed with them, kept on going to my ‘explore’ tab on instagram to find all the fan sites based on them and based on this extremely good looking guy. i love his face, its sooo skinny and soft and triangular and his mouth is so small that it pouches naturally. i think this is the loneliness syndrome hitting me because im in that place where im longing to be with somebody. so to you, whom i will in the future babble none stop regarding my life journey and whining and thoughts, shall have to bear with me. its a lonnnnnngggggg story and i wish and dream for us to sit in bed and read all of my journals and diaries and tumblr posts and youtube videos and videos on my phone with hot chocolate and snacks next to our bed. of course, ill get all sweaty from all that sudden rush because i can finally share it with someone. and of course, you should know that my body reacts that way and you should know it by now, more than ever, that ive opened my heart out all for you and willing to get rid of that wall. so yeah, going back to this guy sehun, i just love how effortlessly good looking and tall and skinny and perfectly good looking (oops twice already hehe) he is. and hes kinda weird too, serious 50% of the time or blur or just really dont give a damn and 50% cheeky. but yeah. hes all about the branding tho, which i do not like. all of his airport purchases are high end products and i can see he cares for it a little bit too much, and i dont fancy that. 10points off of you sehun ahhaha. but oh well. i like having him as my ‘obsession’ right now since i dont have anybody special by my side right now to ooze over. 

second, news have it that eera msu’s mum just passed away this morning. im absolutely terrified, anything can happen. it saddens me that as we are growing older and progressing in life and venturing into a different phase of our lives, our parents are going through that phase. and that phase is certainly not infinity and certainly unpredictable. i hate that. i hate facing the fact that people die and life moves on without them. i hate having to feel that absence but since time continues on anyway, in two three years time, you dont really feel that loss as much. i hate that. i feel like a betrayer because as time moves on, you have different things that you have to juggle with and thus, you kinda forget. i hate it. i know each human is like that and i know for a fact that ill be like that but please, hidayah, please remember your loved ones that passed away every single day. please. even just for a second before bed, please remember them. and to you, my other half, please be my eternal supporter and remind me to sedekahkan alfatihah to them every day before going to bed. please, i love you and for you to show me your love, please help me do this because those people that passed away were a major part of my life, and i literally couldnt live without them. please, please. 

third. i would like to be more approachable and open to people. when i go back to malaysia, i wish to just hangout with my brother and sister during the weekends and take them out for dinners and just chill and get to know them as a person, not really as a sibling. because one you know them inside out, it automatically makes you love them unconditionally because of who they are, not because they are related to you by blood and birth. coz i love my friends and ive never had the same love for my siblings until recently. so yeah. id like to hang out with my brother more, especially because he has mellowed down and i think he has a lot of life lessons in his life. id also like to hang out with my dad more and you know at eid, id like to sit in the circle where my uncles talk and stuff. i just want to sit besides them and listen to their life stories. its interesting and where and when else can you gather those kinds of life experience? idk, i just cant wait to be back at home and be a different person, more optimistic and less judgmental.

fourth. pera’s getting married. sarah iman’s getting married. filzah and xxxxx’s getting married. migha’s otw. xxxxxx’s otw. kak norim and kak kin recently got married. im happy for everyone. im esthetic that everyone has found their other halves. i mean, marriage isnt all happy with birds singing lullabies to you. no, its about two people tolerating and loving each other more than themselves. to my other half, i hope that we can get to know each other inside out and talk till the sun goes up and just tell each other what weve been doing in the last 20-25 years alone. i know youll complete me and i know well have countless fights but please never give up on me because im really soft hearted with those i love and give in when you push the right buttons. please love me the way ill love you. never give up. never compare. accept me the way i am. support me. be happy for me. encourage me. motivate me. be kind to me. be funny to me. make me happy. and once in a while when life gets in the middle of everything and our kids are making us crazy as hell, take me out and lets have some us time. lets rekindle that love and lets remember why you chose me and why we chose each other. i have many sides of me, and im sure youll have surprisingly countless sides to your personality too (duh thats why i chose you), so please, lets embrace that and be happy together until forever. in sha allah. for allah’s sake. for he created us. 

xoxo, dayah

~more than words