Good news on a rough day.

I Will be Proud of My Progress

Rather than focusing on the things I should be doing that I am not, I am going to be proud of the things I HAVE accomplished today.  Fight wants to tell me that with all the time I have in the day, it is ridiculous how little I have done and I have no right to be proud of doing things that other people are doing today in addition to so much else.  But Fight is wrong.  I am struggling today.  PMDD makes my CPTSD triggers much more sensitive.  There have been days like this where I barely even moved - didn't eat, just started at the TV from the moment I dropped my kids off at school until I picked them up.  Today is evidence that I am making progress.  I am overcoming some of these hurtles.  Yes, It's been a hard day. ��But I went to my EEG appointment on time and dressed in fresh clean clothes.  I fixed my hair rather than just wearing a hat.  I put the windshield wiper fluid in my car, which I've been putting off for a couple weeks.  I went to a gas station and washed my windshield when I discovered that my wiper fluid squirters seem to not be working.  I filled out my bullet journal.  I put in a load of laundry, took my partner's laundry out of the dryer for him, moved the first load to the dryer, and added a second load.  I wrote a blog post.  I journaled a little in my bullet journal.  I introduced two friends struggling with the same autoimmune disease.  I thought through my defensive Parts and PTSD triggers several times.  I'm writing this post. I have done a lot today considering how much my brain is fighting me.  Now I have to work on remembering what my therapist told me yesterday, when I identify and calm down a part and "do the thing," I need to pause and focus on that instance to commit it to memory and help rewire those neural pathways. I am proud of what I've done today.  I have done many things I didn't want to.  I am making progress and I am proud of that.

How Complex PTSD effects parenting and the first steps in working through it.

How Do You Change Your Life in the Middle of It?

When you develop an illness that means you can’t use the career experience you’ve built for yourself.  When you still have six figure student loan debt.  When you really have no idea what you want to be when you grow up - but you technically grew up 18 years ago... What do you do?

“...released the kraken.”

“I’ll feel better when I’ve had my period.” Alternatives.

“I’ll feel better when I’ve birthed this blood child”

“…paid tribute to the blood gods”

“…unleashed the red demon”

“…swum the Red Sea”

“…finished saucing my taco”

“…enacted full communism”

add your own

Finally back.  Two new posts up.  What does it look like when your productivity ebbs and flows?

“Scholars of the brain are fond of saying “what fires together, wires together,” which refers to the brain’s tendency to form neural networks (pathways in the brain that form certain thought, feeling and behavioural responses) that become stronger and stronger every time they are used. Trauma theory holds that traumatized inviduals — and, I would hypothesis, queer and trans community as a whole — have well-worn neural networks shaped around the deeply held physical sensation that we are constantly in danger, that we are bad and unloveable, that others are untrustworthy and violent. Every time we are abused, discriminated against or neglected, those neural networks become stronger, while our neural networks associated with safety and loving relationships atrophy. We become physically less capable of imagining a world where being with others is not synonymous with being unsafe.”

Read the whole thing.

Something lovely happened today.

Every day since ending my abusive marriage.

I won’t be watching the Bundy Tapes on Netflix.

Instead I will be reading and thinking about Ted Bundy’s victims. I wonder where their movies are. I wonder why their names aren’t raised.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Lynda Ann Healy, a 21 year old psychology major about to graduate that semester. Lynda worked with handicapped children and got up early every day to report on the skiing conditions for local radio.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Debra Kent, a 17 year old aspiring social worker who was known for always having change to feed parking meters for strangers.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Susan Curtis. Susan was only 15 years old and was riding her bike to church that day. She was a star on her high school track team.

In a world filled with kind, beautiful people, I wonder why we all know Ted Bundy’s name. I wonder if that isn’t giving him and people like him exactly what he wanted. And frankly I’m sick of hearing people talk about him.

I’d like to talk about 12 year olds Lynette Culver and Kimberly Leach, neither of whom turned 13 because Ted Bundy stole their innocence and their lives from them. Kimberly had just been elected first runner up “Valentine Queen” by her peers and never got to wear that pretty new dress. Do you think her parents still have that dress, hanging in the back of a closet? I bet they do. I bet her dad sits with it in his darkest moments. You ever thought about him when you hear the name Ted Bundy?

Let’s talk about 19 year old Susan Rancourt, who had a 4.0 GPA. 17 year old Laura Aime. 18 year old Georgeann Hawkins. 23 year old Janice Ott. 26 year old Nancy Wilcox. 23 year old Caryn Campbell. 17 year old Melissa Smith. 19 year old Donna Manson, who was an excellent flute player and by all accounts a bit of a goth. 20 year old Kathy Parks. 22 year old Brenda Ball. 20 year old Lisa Levy. 21 year old Margaret Bowman. 25 year old Denise Oliverson, who had just gotten into a spat with her new husband and had gone for a walk to clear her mind. Denise weighed 105 pounds. She was bound, gagged, raped, mutilated and thrown from a fast moving car. Have you ever considered what HIS life has been like since that day? How many hours of his life do you think have been spent on the floor, clutching the ring he had given her, apologizing into thin air?

These stories are real. These people are REAL.

I get that Ted Bundy was handsome and his eyes were very blue but please. Please stop glamorizing him like this. He ended and ruined lives. Nothing about him is cool or worthy of emulation. Ted Bundy raped, tortured, mutilated and strangled over 30 females, including 12 year old girls. None of his victims weighed more than 115 pounds.

Ted Bundy was a pathetic man.

Emulate Lynda. Emulate Debra. Raise their names and their voices to those around you. Honor them. They were very real people with promising lives and futures stretched ahead of them, stolen.

Please don’t elevate or whitewash this kind of rampant violence against women. I assure you the world is harsh enough for us without a new generation thinking Ted Bundy is a cool, fascinating guy.

Thanks.

You deserve a relationship that enables you to sleep peacefully at night.

R. H. Sin

“‘Yes,’ said a voice, and Tiffany realized that it was hers again. The anger rose up, joyfully. 'Yes! I’m me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That’s the kind of person I am!’”

— Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men

“Blessings be upon this house,’ said Granny, but in a voice that suggested that if blessings needed to be taken away, she could do that, too.”

Terry Pratchett “Wintesmith”

He got what he deserved in court today. I just wish I didn't feel guilty.