I went through all of my old memories while cleaning. I found a lot of pictures of us. It didn't make me sad. I looked at pictures of us when we first met. We looked so young, I dont think either us knew what we were getting into; nor were we ready.
A part of me thought, what if we met now instead of then, would it have been better? Would we have valued and respected each other more. But who knows? It could have been the case that later we would have had a different type of heartbreak at an older age. Yikes, the older you get the more it hurts!
I also found some important paperwork of yours. I thought to myself, maybe I can just drop it off. Immediately a voice in my head quickly said its a setup . I agree. I remeber thinking before we got in this major fight, maybe I can just pretend like I am not upset... well that didn't quite work out. In fact, pretending made it worse.
I dont want to trick myself into thinking you and I can even handle seeing each other. I think you are on the right track and I dont want to mess you up. I dont want to mess up my journey either. I will probably just mail it to you.
Anyway, I am doing okay today. I came to the revelation that ive been suffering from a mood disorder for a long time. I saw the paper work over the years of how it effected me. I am not sure how much of what I have been feeling is that and how much is actual heartbreak. I think its time to stop living in denial and actually get help for it. Maybe I could have handled you better if I had.
For now on Ill try to be more positive, thats why I began writing on my 'Days of recovery' saga. I hope you will keep fighting for yourself too. Till next time.
I don't know why I am even calling it recovery, I guess I am tired of the word heartbreak and also tired of being depressed. I figured changing the title might trick me into moving forward, but I will still write on my hearbreak saga ocassionally.
Today I decided I needed to stop being an emotional vampire and actually begin working on my life. I decided I should begin by spring cleaning. Of course a simple task would lead to yet another revelation.
While emptying my closet I found a bag of memories. From elementary, through college, all the way up to 2020. It was a weird feeling to see old pictures, reading old journals, seeing old pay checks, and old accomplishments. I asked myself, what happened after 2020? Why do I have nothing after the year?
I realized after that year I kind of stop trying or in other words stopped living. The cause is unclear, but maybe it was the final straw of being attacked at work, or maybe it was the hellous verbal assault my sister unleashed on me, maybe it was traveling out of state for school only to have to medically withdrawl, maybe it was the pandemic, maybe it was the constant disappointments, maybe it was the constant pain, or maybe it was everything. But I was never the same after that year. I gave up on life and I did not even know it.
But somehow going through the memories made me remember how life used to be before this pain. That there people, places, and things I loved. There were dreams I pursued. There was life before heartbreak, and in some ways it was beautiful.
I saw the trips you and I went on, the tickets, and the hotels. I also saw the trips I went on with other people. I saw our old pictures, I also saw their old pictures. I found your cards, I also found their cards. I even found a card that said good friends are hard to come by, with a note saying sorry. This friend seemed to be remorseful for something, but its been so long I have no idea what even happened. I wonder if I can also get to that place with you.
The process was therapeutic to say the least. It was like I had a flash of all of my happiest moments, with the love from people I had left behind. It was then that I realized, my heart has so many beauty things in it and somehow I have blocked all of it out.
I recognized I could never be happy with the life I built just around us. I had given up on having light from everyone else and decided to just focus on holding your light. But the problem with holding one light is, at some point, that light will dim and without other lights being there life would become dark again.
It did become dark and thats not your fault. Much like everyone else in the box of memories, you cant be perfect. The way I have been feeling is a result of me shutting off the light from the people and things that once brought vibrance to my world. I realize my mistake now, and I will do my best not to hurt myself in this way again.
So this is day 1 of my recovery and the future looks brighter than yesterday.
I choose. I choose who I become. I choose how this affects me. I choose how long this last. I choose heartbreak or recovery.
16 days in, I have watched my cycle scurry through the cycle of grief. I have asked myself many questions, for which I had no answer to.
Today brings yet another revelation, what happens next is up to me. I could listen to a hundred of sad songs, write even more sad poems, I could mourn for the rest of my life... and I mean that literally. I truly believe we can stay heartbroken until the day our heart can't beat. But, I dont want that for myself.
I finally came to realize it is up to me to put an end to the romanticization of my pain.
There is something comforting about being hopeless, something attravtive about being depressed, something luring about darkness. But I no longer wish to roam those dark hallways.
At this juncture of heartbreak, I have learned that whatever I do with my time will define me. If I do nothing, hearbreak will make me feel empty. If I act angry, heartbreak will make unforgiving. If I avoid it, heartbreak will make me numb. But what happens if I start living? Then, heartbreak will turn into recovery.
I choose to recover, I choose life.
It's time for me to smile again, laugh again, to build relationships again, to live again. I can't keep living in the past, it is time to live for my present and future.
Though it is true you will always be a part of me, that doesn't have to be a sad thing. I don't have to let you go, I dont have to hold on either. I can just let your memories come and go as they please.
Nonetheless, I truly appreciate the fact that life offered us something beautiful. That for one moment of time in our lives our paths crossed.
Though there will never be a replacement for you, I know the world has a million more shades of beauty just waiting to be explored.
I am thankful for the shade of beauty that you are. And together you and I created a new blend of color, and how beautiful it is.
But now I must go and find the other ones. No matter what shade of beauty I find along the way, you will always be one of my favorites.
I will carry you in my palette of life forever and for all ways. I will love you until all the colors of the world fade to black.
Sometimes we think we are happy and we are not. Sometimes we think we are miserable and when we look back we realize those times were actualy some of our happiest moments. I guess we can't always trust our judgement, but we can trust that somewhere in this season of our life there is beauty lingering.
Remember you are a human first. Before you’re an employee, a student, a cook, an artist, you’re a human being who deserves love, compassion, and understanding.
you got to learn to not sabotage the healing process. i know it's hard to not pick at the scabs, i get it. but the wound will reopen and you'll start bleeding again. let it be.
Here's my favorite drawings of 2023, wooooo! It's so fun to see all the different seasons represented. I'm curious, which of these do you like most?
Thank you for following along with my art this year! I feel so lucky that anyone connects with my weird little drawings. Your attention and kindness is very much appreciated. ♥
In case you are full of doubts while stumbling upon this post: You are more than your bad days. You are more than your sadness. You are more than these bad thoughts telling you that you have no purpose. You are loved. You are important. You are irreplaceable. You are so damn worthy. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you.