I was gonna post this on @creativeafterdark but IM POSTING ON MAIN

@kaijufluffs @journey-to-the-au I blame your Playlist that made me cry during the stream 😢

Asena protecting Clover from SEM (I kinda want to draw/write a whole scene about this but I have work in the morning.)

Asena trying to comfort Morning

My favorite Bluey scene.

And Asena affirming to my SEM/Shi Lang, that he's part of her pack, blood or not.

The One

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warmings:  18+, Minors DNI. Curate your own experience. Cursing, drinking, running, a raging argument in an established relationship, name calling, taunting, drunken raging, Twitter. SMUT, explicit, rough sex, fingering, tit slapping, orgasm denial, spitting, oral sex (mostly female receiving). Also, I’m sleepy. 😴

A/N: Not proofread. Also, I know very little about Chris and Jenny, and have no real opinion about their relationship. I made up the scenario about what happened there for the purposes of the story. THANKS FOR 400 FOLLOWERS TONIGHT! 🥳🎉🎊🍾👏🏽🎈

This fic is based on the following ask:

Anonymous asked:

Imagine idea :

Chris is drunk after a fight with the reader. He was On Twitter and saw some pics with Jenny and when the reader comes in he screams at her and says that Jenny was the one and not the reader. The reader get sad because she was always kind of insecure about the age gap with Chris. The day after he didn’t know what he says and she don’t say anything because she got the feeling that he was right. But one thing both didn’t noticed that Chris was drunk calling Scott and he knows everything Chris says and drive to Chris to give him a good clamp ahahhaha Chris was drunk and Just mentioned her name because he saw a post with Jenny.

------------------

It had been the perfect day.

You slept in, then had a late brunch at home. 

You saw a message from Chris’ former co-star, Heidi, light up his phone that he’d plugged in on the kitchen counter when you two were tidying up.

You wondered why he was texting the bitch even after you told him that she wanted him. And after he agreed to cut off contact out of respect for you.

Heated, you didn’t even look around before you picked it up, put in his code and read a string of friendly, if not borderline flirty, texts.

Chris walked in the kitchen, caught you, and yelled at you for being in his phone. 

“What the hell is going on?”

“Exactly! What is going on, Chris. I thought we talked about this?” 

Chris rolled his eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, it’s a big fucking deal.”

You threw his phone on the marble countertop, which caused Chris to pick it up to see if it was cracked. Your temper was too much.

“We’re just friends! She knows we’re together, y/n!” 

You rolled your eyes. 

“And I know women, Chris. That doesn’t fucking matter to her. Sometimes you’re so oblivious. Or act like you are.” You huffed and rolled your eyes.

“I know you want to leave me for someone more glamorous and beautiful. Someone who will put up with your shit, everyone the media says you’re fucking. Go ahead and just do it!”

Chris’s temper was really rising now. You could tell as the red creeped up his chest to his neck. 

“Stop fucking saying that!” Chris was screaming now. “Is that what you want? To end it? Because you don’t have to make me do it. If you want to leave, just leave.”

You said shit like that a lot. And it scared and angered him. He wanted to know if you were trying to make him break up with you so you would be free.

“Why are you being such a fucking…” Chris stopped himself. He knew better than to call you out of your name.

Your head almost spun around. You smiled evilly. 

“Go ahead, say what you wanna say, Chris. Or are you scared?”

Chris exploded. “A fucking BITCH.”  He was shaking because you went there.

“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not fucking anyone else!”

Chris lost it and punched the wall, making a hole in the drywall and definitely injuring his hand.

You just stood there with your mouth open and in silence. You went toward him to look at his hand, and he just put both of them up, backing away from you and going to the liquor cabinet.

He retreated to the deck with a bottle of Jameson’s. He wanted to dull the pain, in his hand, and in his heart. He hated when you hurt each other.

You understood that you both crossed the line, so you let him be. You went upstairs to change into your running clothes to get out and clear your head.

Chris settled on a deck lounger, started drinking from the bottle and got online, which is never a good thing, but he needed something to distract him. He started reading tweets about himself, and following a thread of Chris + Jenny stans.

The more he drank, the more he started reminiscing.

There were good times. He was happy. Mostly. He thought she was the one. Sometimes. But she broke his heart. He was just a rebound. 

Her handsome arm candy.

Then he thought of you. His heart melted; you really loved him. He was sure of it. But loving him was hard. He realized that you felt the same way about him that he felt about Jenny. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Insecure. 

And you had good reason to be. Everything you’d said about women coming after him was true. But what you didn’t realize is that since he’d met you other women didn’t matter to him. 

You were the one, not Jenny.

Chris began to get melancholy. He’d fucked up. You were nothing but good to him and you just asked him to respect you and listen to your feelings. He’d ignored that. 

Shit, why did he yell at you like that?  

He went to erase Heidi’s contact and block her number. He was confident that you were never going to throw him away like Jenny did. She was the one who’d hurt him. Not you. Never you. He recognized that you wouldn’t ever hurt him on purpose.

His mind was racing with how to apologize when you came back. He was an idiot. The pain in his heart was replaced with regret and his hand had slowed to a dull throb.

But then 30 minutes turned to 3 hours, and by the time you got back, the bottle was empty and Chris’s eyes were red with rage and worry. 

Maybe you were just like Jenny after all.

--------

You ran, and then went to get some coffee. You ran into Shelby at the cafe and distracted yourself with mindless chatter, then walked back. You were ready to apologize by the time you opened the door.

When he heard the door, Chris picked up his phone and met you in the living room. He was obviously shitfaced.

“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!?” 

Chris’s voice boomed throughout the house and you jumped. Then you just stood there, shocked at his outburst. 

“The hell are you talking to me like that?” 

He was unsteady on his feet. He leaned toward you, and you could tell that someone was spinning the room for him.

“I don’t want it to be you!” 

He had to let you know that he knew that you wouldn’t be the one to hurt him. Chris pointed his phone at you. 

“You’re not the one. Jenny’s the only one. Not you! Not ever you!”

You couldn’t believe your ears. But then again you could. It was what you were afraid of. You were head over heels. And Chris could find someone on his level. Like Jenny.

“Well, Fuck You very much, Chris.” 

You brushed your tears away and ran past him up the stairs to the bedroom, locking the door and crying your eyes out. You got out your suitcase.

----

Chris started up after you, calling your name, and then suddenly needed to duck in the downstairs bathroom to throw up. 

He tried to make it up the stairs and had to sit down on the floor near the bottom. Then, he needed to lay down just for a minute.

The next thing Chris knew, it was morning, and he woke up to a pounding on the door and in his head. He rolled over on the floor, and something stabbed him in the side.

Groaning, he reached down and saw your keys to his house, his cars, and his life, all on the Tiffany heart keychain he’d given them to you. He was staring at them, confused, when Scott opened the door with his key.

“There he is. My brother. The fuck up.”

Chris groaned again, sat up on the bottom stair and held his head. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Nevermind me. It’s not often I get to say that, only when you publish your dick pic to the internet or you RUN OFF THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!”

Chris winced when Scott yelled, his head a pounding mass of meat wrapped in fuzzy cotton. 

He didn’t understand why he was being tortured and he didn’t understand why his hand hurt.  He looked at it, all bruised up, and the keys inside it.

“Just tell me, Scott. Why are you here?”

Scott leaned up against the door. 

“Did you know you drunk dialed me last night?” 

Chris looked up at Scott, and his face was a sight as his brother told him what he’d said to you.

“Fuuuuuck me!” He put his head in his hands again. 

“I don’t know if she ever will again,” Scott joked, but Chris didn’t laugh. 

“I called her after you apparently passed out and wouldn't pick up your phone.  She was ready to catch an early morning flight, but I convinced her to sleep in today and leave tomorrow.”

Chris moved his hands down from his eyes and stared out the patio doors, trying to think.

“I put her up in the Four Seasons, on your dime of course.  Room 6145. Penthouse. Could be pretty romantic. If she were in that kind of mood.”

Chris looked up at Scott, smiled weakly, jumped up and hugged him, then made for the door. Scott jumped in front of him.

“Trust me, you’ll want to get some water and coffee in you, and shower and brush your teeth. You look and smell like shit.”

“Right.” Chris nodded, flexing his hand. He could still move it. He was glad it wasn’t broken. “Thanks, bro.”

“No problem.” Scott walked into the bathroom as Chris went to the kitchen, groaning when he saw the hole in the wall. He’d have to ask Scott to get it fixed before you saw it again. 

If he could convince you to come back.

----

It was 11 am, and Scott had verified that you were still in the room. Chris just stood there, nervous and terrified that you were just going to be done with him.

Room service came and headed toward your door. Chris waved them down and when they saw his face, they stopped in their tracks, shocked.

“Hey, can you do me a favor?”

----

You climbed out of the wonderful deep jetted tub, having soaked until the water got cold and your fingers were wrinkled. You pulled on the plush Four Seasons terry cloth robe that was provided with the suite.

You felt calmer than last night, and after some sleep and relaxation, you realized that you’d been a fool to think that Chris would want you forever like you thought.

It was for the best that you leave and start over, to focus on your consulting business and yourself for a while.

You opened the door with a smile on your face for the attendant, and you let them into the room, your back turned to the door while they brought the cart in. You turned back around and there was Chris.

You grew heated, and your heart began to race while the attendant scurried out. Chris’s face was a welcome sight, but you were still angry.

There you were, looking so beautiful, curls tied up in your favorite silk scarf, cocoa skin radiant in a white fluffy robe.  You should have been comfortable, but your eyes were wide and scared.

He’d done this to you.

“Fuck, y/n… I…”

You interrupted him. 

“You’ve got some mutha fuckin nerve. How dare you just run up in here, using that fucking face,” you flung your hand up, “using who you are to get into my room. How did you even know where…?”  

Your mouth dropped open at the realization of what Scott had done. You turned on your heel to get your things. You didn’t care that you were naked under your robe. You didn’t care that you still loved Chris. You were out. This second.

Chris moved to block you from entering the bedroom of the suite. You tried to push past him, all 5’ 4” of you versus 6 feet of him.

“Move, Chris!” 

You glared up at him, your body responding to him in ways you weren’t prepared to admit. You were betrayed by your pussy.

“I just want you to listen to me.  Then you can leave, stay, do whatever you want. Just hear me out.”

You and him physically was always the shit. His arms across his chest did things to you  But you kept mean mugging him, making him hard for you. 

You stepped back and said, “Okay.  You have 10 minutes.  Then I’m out, Chris.”

You paced back to the couch in the living room of the suite, watching him warily.

Chris paced in front of you, making it inevitable that you follow his lean form back and forth across the carpet. You noticed that his hand was bandaged and that he kept flexing it. 

You hoped it wasn’t broken. No matter what, you cared what happened to him. You would always love him. Even if it was the end of your relationship.

“First of all, I’m sorry. My anger got the best of me, and I was violent and that is never acceptable.  Even though I didn’t touch you, it’s not ok, and I know it was intimidating. I take responsibility.”

He stopped and looked at you, you melted a little, but you didn’t give any outward sign. Being a business owner taught you a mean poker face. 

But the shirt he was wearing made his true blue eyes pop and you could see a hint of his chain around his neck under the fitted henley.

You suppressed a shiver at the memory of the things you did to have that chain and medallion wave in your face, to have it clenched between your teeth as Chris had his way with you, and you with him.

You focused on him, pointedly looking at your watch. Chris’ anxiety peaked when he saw that.

He stepped toward you and thought that he recognized the look in your eyes.  He was almost sure that you still wanted him, sure that you still cared.  He could only hope as he came closer.

“And then I started drinking. And while you were gone, I came across some posts about me and Jenny. And it took me back there.”

At those words, you crossed your arms and averted your eyes, defenses up. You didn’t want to hear about how much he loved Jenny.

Then, Chris swiftly moved to sit on his haunches, becoming eye level with you.  

“And I realized that she never really loved me. Not like you loved me.”  

Chris speaking about your love in the past tense made you a little angry and you stared him in the eyes. 

It was just the reaction he hoped for. Your attitude. He loved it. He hid a smirk so that he could continue, but you saw the glimmer in his eyes. And you rolled yours.

Chris then picked up the sash to your robe and started playing with it, your eyes drawn to his thick fingers. You didn’t know why that was getting you hot, but it was. You opened your mouth to breathe.

Chris’s voice cracked when he said. “And to me she was the mountaintop. Another, different kind of conquest. But I realized that I never really loved her. Not like I love you.”

Present tense.

Now you were looking into his eyes, about to fall into them. Shit. He had you hooked. But then you remembered, and drew back.

“Yeah, I know what I said, but what I was trying to express was that I know it could never be you to hurt me like Jenny did. That I didn’t want you to hurt me like she did. Not when I’ve thought about forever…” 

He moved even closer. “I mean forever, forever, with you.”

All of a sudden you couldn’t breathe. Chris got on his knees.

“I want to be in this position again with you one day. One day soon. But not like this. I don’t want it to be to try to get you back. I want us to be good.” 

He sighed, pensive. “I want you to be smiling and happy, and even have our families there.”

You don’t know how your face looked at that moment, but Chris started smiling at you. You were so beautiful to him right now.

“I was drunk, and I couldn’t use my words correctly. I yelled and I screamed and I punched the wall. I fucked up and may have lost you forever, but I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” 

You felt yourself get emotional, but you tried to calm down.

“I’m just so fucking scared that you will get tired of all the bullshit that comes with me and leave… and I absolutely wouldn’t blame you. But there’s no one else, y/n.  No one else can compare…”

“Chris…” 

You raised your hand to his face, eyes searching his. You could tell he was being honest.

Chris grabbed your hand and started kissing your palm.

“So.” He looked at you with those eyes. “Is this goodbye?…” His lips were giving you shivers. “Or hello again? Can we start over?”

Chris trailed his lips from your palm, to the pulse point at your wrists and lingered there, licking the delicate skin. Then he moved up your arm to the opening in the robe. 

He pushed his torso in between your legs and leaned into your neck, inhaling the lavender bath oil that was your favorite. And his, too. 

He moaned as you leaned your head to the side, giving him access. But he didn't just want the physical. He breathed into the shell of your ear. 

“Please come home, baby…”

You just moaned as he started sucking right below your ear, your spot. Desire took over for Chris when he heard your sounds.

“Fuck it. I can tell that you still want me. If this is goodbye, then I’m going to make it worth your time.”

Your back arched and Chris palmed your bounteous ass over the robe, pulling you flush to his crotch.  He smiled as he felt the warmth coming from you.

“You’re so fucking warm, babe. Are you wet, too?  Are you wet for me? Do you want my cock? I mean, do you want your thick, fat, cock to fuck you babe?” 

Chris was kissing down your neck into the cleavage that the robe was revealing with each sentence as you opened your legs. Your pussy was quivering for him, but you still didn’t answer him.

Chris looked up at you with those eyes and pulled on the robe sash. It fell open and he looked down and bit his lip, taking in your warm skin, lovely breasts, and elegant pussy, with the manicured triangle of hair kept like he preferred, and offered up for his taking. 

You still looked like his girl, and he smiled as he looked up into your eyes. But he had to be certain. He lowered his head, keeping eye contact and descended toward one small hard mountain peak, kissing it gently, tentatively, while watching you.

You were mesmerized as his tongue peeked out and licked it, then he opened his lips and enveloped it, moistening it with his pink lips. 

The look on your face compelled him, and he fully enveloped your nipple and started sucking roughly, still keeping eye contact. You were determined not to close your eyes, but it was difficult. You bit your lip to stay still.

Chris’s bandaged hand was dangerous, however, and it came up to pinch and roll your other nipple. You arched into his hand as he became rougher and rougher. 

He switched nipples and hands and his saliva made your breast that much more pliable and sensitive. He slapped it, and then rubbed it with the rough bandage, making you cry out and moan as his other hand trailed down your body to your cunt.

“This pussy will still be mine, even if you leave me.” He smiled cockily while looking down on it. 

He looked at you, before lifting his hand to his mouth, looking straight into your eyes and spitting on his fingers before bringing them down to your cunt.

“I think, that if even if you leave and  move back to Houston, and I come to town, that if I I call you, even if you’re with someone else, you would meet me in a parking lot and let me fuck you over the hood of my rental car.” 

He was faintly tracing your pussy lips and instantly your control was gone. You were sopping wet, because of his words and because of the knowledge that what he was saying was the truth.

“Oh,” was all you could say. You were adding to the wetness of the saliva on his fingers.

Chris smiled and tilted his head as his two thick digits breached your opening. He had his answer as you threw your head back and let him finger fuck you while he rolled and slapped and pinched your nipple.

His thumb was lightly brushing your clit and you wanted so much more.  Chris could sense that and he pressed down roughly on it, causing an electric jolt up your body, which you keened for, arching your body into his hand.

Chris moved his hand from your breast to your neck and applied the pressure that you wanted and needed and that he was expert at while he stuffed another finger inside you and circled your clit with his thumb. 

You floated among the clouds as you came like fireworks, and all over his hand.  

He watched you come undone, and come down, rubbing his hard cock through his pants with one hand while he sucked your juices off his fingers, releasing each with a loud pop.  When you opened your eyes, you smiled.

You pulled his hand and started licking yourself off him, flattening your tongue against his palm. 

“I forgive you Chris. I forgave you when you conned your way into my room, you ass.” 

You smiled against his hand as he groaned, relieved and desperate for you.

“But you still have some work to do.”

“What do you want? Anything.”  

Now Chris was breathless, anticipating payback.

“First, you need to take those damn clothes off.”

He quickly moved to take off his shirt, and then stood up to take off his pants.  You smirked as hs cock sprang up immediately when he peeled them down. He wasn’t wearing underwear.

Chris caught your look. 

“What? I wanted to be prepared.”  He chuckled softly while pumping his cock lightly, expecting to immediately fuck you.

He moved toward you. But you quickly moved off the couch and into the bedroom, forcing him to follow you, and his dick, into the other room.

You sat on the edge of the bed as he remained standing. 

“What do you need, babe?”

You reached for his cock and tugged it toward you, opening your mouth and deep throating it, wetting it from root to tip and then spit on it. Chris moaned as you started to stroke. Then you stopped.

“I need you to jack off for me.” 

“Ugh! You’re so fucking nasty. I love you.”

Chris instantly started where you left off. This didn’t seem like work.

You leaned back on your elbows, watching him, and licking your lips.

“And I need for you not to stop, and not to come. Until I tell you.” 

You looked him in the eye and that was when Chris knew he was doomed.  A chill ran down his spine as you reached down and started playing with your pussy.

“Fuck!”

You looked so damn good.  He licked his lips and stroked harder and faster, his balls drawing up already. 

“Shit, y/n.”

You watched his eyes, and got wetter at his blown pupils and glazed look. 

“You like that?”

“Fuck yeah.”  

His voice was broken and desperate. He fisted his cock, and held his balls, trying to stave off the inevitable. 

You turned around, got on your knees and reached back between your legs and ran your fingers up and down your slit.

“How about that?”

“Goddamnit!” 

Chris grunted as he tried to hold it in. You were a goddess. He licked his lips. Wanting to taste you. So he did. 

He dove in, tongue competing with your fingers to command your slit. You finally gave in to his expert mouth and he savored your salty goodness.

“Fuck, Chris, you better still be…”

“I am. Christ.” 

He was leaking in his hand, but he had it under control. Barely.

Chris stopped eating you out for a second, grabbed your ass cheek with one hand, stretched you open, spit on your tighter hole, and watched it slide down your satin lips to drip onto the bed. 

His warm saliva made your pussy quiver and he watched it lovingly. Then he dove in again.

He sped up his movements with his other hand and you could hear the smooth skin of his dick sliding on his palm while his tongue did forbidden things to you.

“Ffffffuuckkkkkkk! Chrisssss.” 

You came, burying your scream in the mattress, and even harder than before. You couldn’t believe that he’d turned the tables on you.

Chris ate you out through your orgasm, holding you down with one hand like it was nothing. 

He was god of war, love, and sex, all at once. 

Fuck Captain America.

You came again, almost immediately.

When he was done with his meal, he let you go, wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand and stepped back.

“Fuck, what do you want me to do? I can’t take it much longer…” Chris’s sexy growling voice got to you. 

“What do you wanna do, Chris? How do you want to take me, Daddy?”  Chris’s cock jumped in his hand, he slapped your ass, and watched it jiggle.

Chris entered your wet, wet pussy, and marvel how if felt like it was choking the life out of him.  He had to stop moving, or he would burst almost immediately.

“How the fuck are you so wet, but so tight.  It’s like a fucking vice grip, geeze.” 

You both waited and felt it jump inside you, then Chris reached down, grabbed you by the neck and pulled you upright and flush to his chest.  

One hand clutched your throat and the other arm hooked under your leg, allowing him to piston up into you upright while your other leg dangled, your big toe barely touching the ground.

Chris held you and fucked up into you, grunting each time the large mushroom cap head of his cock was stuffed into your pussy. 

“Ugh, gatdamn it, you were thinking of leaving, ugh, you wanted to leave this, mmmmmm, this dick that, ugh, that fucks you like this?” 

Chris’s mouth was near your ear, which was on his shoulder because your head had fallen back on his chest. He was using you like a sex toy as he fucked you senseless. 

His dick slicked in and out of you with obscene wetness, Chris somehow lifting you up and slipping completely out of you and pounding back into you with force.

“Chris!!!” 

You started shaking, your center of gravity being where you and he were connected.

He fucked you even harder and faster, chasing his release, but he maneuvered his hand to find your clit, refusing to come before you. 

“Fuck! You know you were going to miss this cock that your sweet cunt fits… like…  a …mutha …fuckin…  glove!” 

"Ahhhh!" 

You screamed as you fluttered around his cock. He could take only so much before he had to shut his eyes and bite down on your collarbone. Chris’s legs were trembling now.

"Take all of it!." He was hitting your spot.  "How does it feel?" 

Although the feeling was intense, you tried to speak. 

"L-l-l-like h-heav-v-v-ennnnn." 

The sound of your voice made his release start to build. 

With each of his thrusts, the sweet tightness began to build until you came, screaming and moaning in pleasure.

“Oh shiiiiitttttt!”  Chris exploded inside your tight wet cunt. He wanted to fill you up like never before. He wanted to put his baby in you and tie you forever to him. That made his balls empty.

He fell back on the bed, with you on top of him, slipping out of you and depositing you on the bed beside him.

Chris couldn't help but smile as you both came down.  He was made for this.

Chris put his hand on your cheek, brushing your beautiful lips with his thumb. You smiled under his attention into his sea blue eyes.

“I love you.” You grinned. 

“God, I love you.”  You sobered up, taking in the weight of his words.

“Is it weird that I want to get you pregnant before we’re married?”

You made a face.

“Who says I want to marry you?”

Chris scooped you in his arms and rolled you over on top of him.

“You don’t want to marry me? You’d say no if I asked?” 

You held in a giggle.

“Nah. I’m gonna move back to Houston and marry someone else so you can come in town and fuck me over the hood of your rental car. That sounds hot as fuck.”

Chris released an anxious breath.

You took his head in your hands.

“Easy now. Ask what you want to ask.” Chris started to speak. You put your finger over his mouth.  

“When you want to ask it.” You looked into his eyes again. “I won’t break your heart.”

Chris smiled at you and said, “I know.” He kissed you. 

And when you pulled away, breathless, he told you, “You’re the One.”

----------- Read Part Two: It Takes Two

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...surprise

um okay so here I am trying angst again. this is kind of intended to be open ended bcos might have a part two at some point. im also lazy and has a few time jumps. also if someone could pls explain if you just get pics for the top of these off internet or credit on like gifs or something that’d be appreciated.

Summary: Tom comes home and everything is most definitely not the way he left, nor is it healthy

Warnings: please read with caution esp relationship with food / weightloss, but just generally a person in a bad bad head space, lots of self blame - then next parts will carry different warnings too

************************

Tom had been away for months. Months and months away from his girlfriend, separated entirely by his filming locations in Europe and America; while you were busy slowly and steadily climbing the ranks of your law firm. Being an intense period for the pair, you hadn’t managed to see each other in 2 and a half months.  Of course, both go you were used to this - 3 years deep into a relationship between an actor and a wanna-be lawyer- this was the name of the game.

But honestly? You both just kept falling deeper and deeper, making the separation harder to deal with - rather than getting used to it as one might hope.

That's why Tom felt such an incredibly overwhelming wave of relief as he dumped his bags just outside his front door. Even though he was exhausted from the travelling, just the mere act of finally phishing out his housekeys brought a massive grin to his face - caused particularly by the sight of his tacky little keyring from a Moroccan market that you’d bought him. That had been your first holiday. There’s that old saying that before you move in with someone go on holiday first - Tom understood it to mean you supposedly see all the bad and ugly stuff people can hide from each other, a prewiring before committing to living in the same space. However that holiday all he’d learned was incredible you are to him. To his dying day, Tom will never forget the moment he looked over to his left when the two of you were on this night time stargaze in the depth of the Moroccan desert. Y/n had never seen stars like it, the skies so incredibly clear and lit up with an array of magical blues and purples and whites on its sark background. The sight, for no unexplainable reason, had you completely opening up to Tom about things she’d never told a single soul. And in that moment he’d had this sort of realisation. Not about how much he loved her - because that is just the cliche thing everyone says… and also just wasn’t true.

In that moment he’d rather realised the potential. The sort of ‘I’m not there yet but I know you could become the centre of my universe’. The sort of ‘I’m not ready to say this yet, but I want to spend my life with you’. The sort of ‘at some point in my life I’m not sure my heart will be able to beat without yours’.

He still hadn’t quite got to explicitly saying all that yet, by asking you for the ultimate commitment. But he planned to now he was coming back to you.

Even with the chill of the early evening winter air, Tom was almost ecstatic as he unlocked the door and let himself in. He hadn’t told you that he was coming home, you thought he had another two weeks on the job, but Tom was a bit of an old romantic - he loved seeing your eyes fill with wonder as he surprised you in whatever way. Sometimes it was as simple as a note on the fridge, or a small bouquet from behind his back or as fancy as a surprise holiday.

However, this time, though it was only 6 in the evening, all the lights of their house were off making Tom raise an eyebrow as he quietly slipped off his shoes - not wanting to scare Y/n just in case.

Tom had sworn when he’d been on the phone with you the previous day, you didn’t have any plans tonight but perhaps maybe a spontaneous pub trip and been offered with work colleagues. The house felt a little cold as he padded through it, poking his head into every room just to check Y/n wasn’t there. His last port of call was the bedroom.

By this point, Tom was pretty resigned on the fact you were out and he’d maybe cook a meal for when you got back or hide about the house or something. But instead, when he poked his head around this door, he sighed in delight at the sight of a still mound under the plush white sheets. For a brief moment, Tom paused, before tiptoeing steadily round to her bedside. The light was still off but the hallway light illuminated the room enough so he could make out your soft features and the messy ball of hair that had been haphazardly thrown in a bun. Furthermore, he could also notice in the light the packet of painkillers and migraine tablets lying opened on the bedside - which made him freeze. Y/n didn’t get migraines often at all, but when she did Tom knew just how bad they could be. That explained the fact you were spark out at six o’clock, making Tom give a sympathetic smile. He crept back out the room with a little spring in his step, deciding that since he had had a long day travelling he'd grab a snack and join you. Unfortunately though, when he enthusiastically yanked the fridge open the sight was a rather depressing one. He didn’t really know what he was craving but the fridge contents were of almost no use to anyone. The place was bloody baron, apart from a tub of butter and of course his special beers that Y/n would never dare touch. With a small huff though, Tom resigned himself to some bread and butter, before getting ready for bed.

It was probably an hour later when Tom was carefully crawling under the duvet to settle in beside Y/n after the disappointing snack and maybe a solitary ‘welcome home beer’ - it would be rude not to. God was he excited to just have his girlfriend in his arms again though. So, Tom naturally reached over and powerfully yet gently pulled you back towards him - making your back flush with his as you mumbled something incoherent. Chuckling slightly at your apparent annoyance of being disturbed, Tom pressed a kiss to her temple before settling down momentarily.

But something wasn’t quite right, making Tom shuffle about a bit - ever adjusting huis grasp on your waist as he attempted to get comfy. With the migraine medications forcing you into a deep deep sleep you barely stirred and that just made the unease increase for Tom. Because you didn’t feel right. This didn’t feel right. Ever so slowly Tom started to peel back the duvet from your body from his now sitting upright position. Typically, Y/n was wearing one of his hoodies, however more concerningly it seemed to pool and collect around your frame more than normal.

Now, Y/n was never the most petite person in the world - by no means overweight, instead of beautiful curves and muscle. To Tom now though, it was as if someone had literally shrunk you - like a picture on a word document you needed to make narrower to fit the margins. Even in the dim light of the bedroom he know realised you looked pale. Honestly, Tom didn’t know how long he just sat there staring at you, until you sighed a little and pulled the duvet back up to just under your chin.

He didn’t know what to think or do. All he knew was you didn’t look well and that you hadn’t said a thing to him. Feeling so very uncomfortable within himself, Tom climbed out the bed and simultaneously grabbed his phone. He knew he had to call someone, to check that you hadn’t been ill - but then who to call? Someone that wouldn’t judge or instantly worry- your mum was completely off the cards. Also, he hadn’t even given you the chance to explain yet, so really he knew there was only a couple of options who were close enough to him too.

“Hey what’s up?” “Um nothing much, back in the UK though so-“ “Oh shit really! Kept that one quite bro” “Yeh well came back to surprise Y/n” “Oh you're soooo whipped” “Fuck off Haz, have you um… have you seen her recently anyway?” “You're asking me if I’ve seen your girl while you’ve been away?” “I’m being serious. You’re pretty much brother and sister and I’m -I’m a bit worried.” “What? You know she wouldn’t cheat especially with me” Haz’s tone turned less serious, using a goofy accent “ I know too much.” Haz still attempted to lighten the mood, this conversation very unexpected and making him grow more and more concerned himself. “Haz quit it. I’m worried she’s been ill. I’ve come in and she’s asleep with a migraine but there’s no food in the fridge and she’s skinny as hell.” “Fuck er sorry I didn’t realise. But um no she’s been cancelling on us for the past like two weeks cos like…I don’t know said she was just snowed under at the firm so” “But before then?” “No yeh she was fine. Went to the pub a couple times and she always drove so didn’t drink but nothing weird - think she wanted to keep a clear head. What are you thinking?” “I don’t know to be honest mate. She seemed fine on the phone but I swear to god she looks half the size  of what she was when I left.” “Just talk to her in the morning? She probably is just stressed if work has been mad busy.” Tom hummed in agreement, half trying to convince himself too. “Yeh yeh, sorry for bothering you.” “Oh shut up mate - I’ll see you both at your parents for the roast tomorrow? Sams got some new recipe I think, he’s been wittering on about it for days.” “Yeh we’ll be there, see you then mate.” 

After signing off to Haz, Tom placed his phone on the little table on the upstairs hallway and sighed. He knew he was being over-protective but he couldn’t help it. Y/n was always the one to care for him, in fact to care for everybody int he room and then some.

He’d get to the bottom of whatever this was tomorrow, and so the rest of the evening Tom spent rather unhappily get ready before bed yet again before climbing back in next to you.

///////////////////////////

Tom woke before you, a combination of jet lag and the worry in the pit of his stomach meaning he stirred awake first. Instinctively he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into the side of your neck as he slowly began to wake up properly - shrugging off the grogginess. Tom was still really excited for you to realise he was back, predicting you  to excitedly hug him ever so tight and then spend the morning between the sheets. He knew you found the distance tough, especially when all your closest friends were coupled off, it meant you just didn’t have ‘your person’. It was almost as if you were single again and instead of pining over an ex, hopelessly and completely in love with someone across the globe. But that just made your time together even more invaluable and precious.

So even with his slight unease at your slimmer silhouette, Tom didn't have any control over the loopy grin that came to his face as you started to stir and mumble something incoherent, all the while (and subconsciously) inching closer towards him. By the slight fluttering under your eyelid, Tom knew you were waking up and so took the moment to tuck your frizzy bed hair behind your ear. Sighing contently Y/n’s eyes fluttered completely open and Tom met your gaze with the most gently of smiles.

However, he then watched moment by moment as your expression morphed for one of peacefulness and content, through confusion, and ending at pure terror. He had barely thought of asking you why, before you yelped, throwing yourself up into a sitting position and backing as far away on the bed as you could from Tom. “TOM... I-you can’t be here! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” “Y/n hey what’s wrong-“ “GET OUT! G-GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU CAN’T BE HERE” you  yanked the bedsheets to completely cover your huddled up body, as if trying to protect yourself. At this point, tears were streaming down your face and what truly terrified Tom was the expression of horror in your eyes. He threw his hands in the air and unsteadily stumbled to his feet. “O-okay I’m-“ “GET OUT!!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME GET OUT!” Completely bemused and shocked, Tom just nodded jerkily -already halfway out the door and accidentally slamming it in haste.

He had absolutely zero clue what that was about. But what he knew for a fact? He’d never ever seen you like that… you looked so completely terrified… of him? Tom couldn’t for the life of him work out what the hell was going on, as he paced from the shut door to the hallway wall and back again, running his hand through his hair throughout. He could hear you sobbing and whisper yelling - presumably at yourself. It felt as though his heart was being torn out, seeing you that upset and it appearing as his fault? He was acting on pure instinct and adrenalin because your pain hurt him too. He had no control of the physiological response in his body, making his hands shake and breathing increase in speed as it inversely got shallower too.

And so he took a short inhalation, biting his bottom lip as he knocked on the door. “Y/n?….” He got no response after waiting a couple of seconds so tried again - because he could hear you trying to stifle your sobs. After another two failed attempts he opted for a different approach. “Y/n… I’m worried about you… look, I know your upset right now but I need you to let me know your okay… or I’ll have to come in and…and I don’t want to spook you” “Don’t come in.” It was a sharp reply, with a voice that was cracked and clearly trying to keep It together. “Okay… I-I’m sorry if my surprise of coming home was a dumb idea…I-I’ve missed you.” Tom tried speaking softly, as he knelt down and sat with this back against the wall while nervously fiddling with his watch strap that he’d forgot to take off last night. Again he waited for a response but got nothing, again having to warn you he needed to know you were okay. He heard movements from the other side of the door, making him turn his head to the left, pressing his ear on the cool gloss paint. “I-I’m sorry” You barely were whispering, but Tom could sense you were now sitting in a position mirroring his “You don’t meed to apologise love” Returning her tone, Tom sighed at the end - trying to get his brain to process what was going on.

Y/n wasn’t one to overreact and Tom could count on one hand the number of serious fights they’d had in the three year romance. And even then, he was the one to raise his voice - when she argued it was more reasoned, slow and controlled. Actually it was one of the things that in those moments infuriated him even more - you were just so level headed and sensible. Scratch that, sensible purely in this context - everywhere else you were just as loopy as him. So this situation felt so very alien. He didn’t know how to help you and he bloody hated feeling useless.

After a few moments, you replied to apologise once again, for shouting specifically,  and Tom nodded - not that you could see. But that was one of the things Y/n had taught him, sometimes you just have accept things - no matter the context. Accept he wasn’t actually a superhero and couldn’t do everything, accept that sometimes he could be a dick and out of line or accept an apology.

“Can you.. can you try and tell me why your upset? I want to help.” He was trying to be gentle, non-confrontational. But he knew something was so wrong. He needed to know so he could try and help out. “I…”Y/n began, but quickly trailed off, as if trying to formulate the words properly. “I’ve just been ill and” again another pause “and I haven’t been looking after myself very well. I just planned to be umm- to be better when you got back.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either, at least not the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not sure I understand why your so worried about what I think though?” Tom inquired, as he started to fiddle with the door handle in his left hand - as if easing the idea of coming into his girlfriend without scaring you. In reply, you sighed again trying to put the words together without explicitly spelling it out to him. “I don’t- I thought you’d just be disappointed or-or think I’m reliant on you. I’m not and I can handle myself I just…. I don’t know.” “I love you, you idiot.”Tom chuckled at that, while standing up. “Can I come in now please? I promise I’m not disappointed just want to help you feel better.”

The door opened and no sooner could Tom take a step forward than Y/n ran into his chest, wrapping herself tightly around him in apology. He knew that he didn’t have the full story but really didn’t want to push her, more preferring to just love her. So that’s what they spent the rest of the morning doing, in their pyjamas and watching TV. Quite obviously, she wasn’t really making a lot of conversation, Tom filled some gaps with talking about filming - to which she’d hum in agreement or chuckle along. But for the most part Y/n was concentrating on something else.

The all-consuming guilt. That was what was eating away at her.

part 2?

i’m bored so i’m doing this

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

no but however sometimes i date people solely because of their looks

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Honestly? no

3. Are you a virgin?

no

4. Are you in a relationship?

no

5. Are you in love?

no

6. Are you single this year?

yes

7. Can you commit to one person?

i’ve cheated on everyone i’ve ever dated so i’m gonna go with no

8. Describe your crush

which one? i guess i kind of have a baby crush on my instructor but i go back and forth with it because he’s not very attractive. but he’s really smart, two PhDs from MIT and really fucking good at data science.

9. Describe your perfect mate

somebody that makes a lot of money and generally doesn’t give a shit what i do and idolizes me

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no

11. Do you ever want to get married?

indifferent

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

i forgive pretty much everything. damn christianity taught me to forgive too well

13. Do you get jealous easily?

not at all

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

we went through this

15. Do you have any piercings?

nose, two hip piercings, normal earrings, left ear has the double piercing, left here has a piercing on like the thickest part of the ear, and right ear has a piercing about half way up

16. Do you have any tattoos?

the integral sign i posted a few days ago

17. Do you like kissing in public?

i fucking HATE it and think the only place it’s acceptable to kiss in public is like at a bar where absolutely everybody is hammered

20. Do you shower every day?

i try to yeah

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

i know for sure a number of people have feelings for me

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

honestly probably

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yeah but not for a year

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i kinda doubt it but that would be really nice

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

don’t care

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yup

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

i don’t think so but one of my exes did a lot of portraits of me

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

yes

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

yes

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

not seriously but if i could get some sort of cosmetic surgery i’d honestly really want lypo lol. yes i know that requesting that would put me into a mental hospital

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

mostly monica but yeah

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

i honestly don’t believe in the concept of romantic love anymore so no

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

yes

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

yes sometimes i accidentally get crushes for my gay guy friends. also silp and i sometimes have a weird thing going on i guess

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

uh yeah monica

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

all of them

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

it’s my number one kink so yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

no

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

yes

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

my hands honestly don’t need to wander i find nothing more pleasurable than just kissing

43. How long was your longest relationship?

a year and a half

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

seriously? 3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

probably around 12

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

last year oh god like 2017? honestly probably like 2

47. How old are you?

24

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

nothing but i’d probably be surprised

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

don’t have one

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

honestly.... yeah i’d take monica back i miss her all the time lol

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

g, barrington leo, yervand, silpa, darch, miko, jeni

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

i’m really quick to give up on people so yeah, just none of those listed above

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

no not this time

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

monica

55. Share a relationship story.

hmmmm this question is too vague

56. State 8 facts about your body

i’m 5′8.5″, i’m currently a 32b, most clothing stores i’m a size 2 pants size 4 top cause my shoulders are huge from swimming, i’m a shoe size 7.5, (if you can’t tell the only thing i know how to do is list objective facts lol), i’m pretty proportionate but my legs are a little long i guess, i always have really long and strong nails, i think my best color is light blue, my skin is generally pretty dry and it’s been like that my whole life

57. Things you want to say to an ex

if i was really drunk i’d probably wanna tell monica that i will never love someone as much as i loved her again

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

be down for adventure (most important), buy me things, make me laugh, be as smart as me (not that important tbh), idk a fifth

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

blonde, nose ring, green eyes, idk. i look just like my sister except she has brown curly hair

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

oh yikes um 27 years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

i’ve never understood this question, you can’t notice one thing first

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

idk but for some reason i’ve always had a thing for people licking fire, like when they lick out a match. idk

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

orgasm

64. What is your definition of cheating?

two people audibly declare exclusivity and one person breaks it

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

honestly i like quickies lol

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

no

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

fancy weekend getaway with a beach and lots of champagne

68. What is your sexual orientation?

all over the place

69. What turns you off?

short men, clinginess

70. What turns you on?

i feel like that’s been expressed at this point

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

i’ve always loved the concept of group sex lol

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

anything degrading and rude

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i don’t know i don’t need shit like that

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

wealth

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

hmmmmmm tbh i’m not sure on this one

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

again i’d have to think about this but i do often do elaborate things for my friends and SOs

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

do not give one single shit as long as both people are of age.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

god idk

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

i really haven’t felt jealousy in years, i don’t remember

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the last time i remember is telling leo when he left the car to get on his flight back to chicago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

hmmmmmmmmmm good one

clay.... idk if you guys ever got a pic of him but he’s fucking hot, ariana grande lol, and tbh i don’t really know any famous people and i feel like that’s what i’m supposed to use to answer this question

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

fucking calvin lol

83. Who was your first kiss with?

this guy on a cruise i went on named zach

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

age difference lol

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

sure

True story time! Mostly depressing, but some sexy stuff happens.

An evening of firsts

CW: Depression, explicit sexual content, internalized fatphobia, severe self-loathing & insecurity, STDs, uhhh, and if you think of something else that belongs here, please let me know so I can add it.

I’m giving my friend the pseudonym Leeta because she is, in fact, smoking hot, and she spent some time working as a burlesque dancer.

Before we get to the juicy details, the plodding backstory!

Late summer, 2002, Brooklyn, NY. It was my second year of renting a bedroom in a 4-story brownstone house near what is now referred to as the Atlantic Barclay’s Terminal. I was 23 years old and feeling somewhat secure in my place in the city again. I had a full time job, a relatively short commute, and had some spending money. I was thinking about “thinking about” dating. Spent some downtime at work looking at the Onion’s personals site, and realizing that there’s no way any of the women there would find me interesting (the dull personality persists).

One of the other rooms in the house had become vacant, and so Leeta applied. She was a 20 year old student at a nearby college. Imagine, if you will, Christina Hendricks’ physique and complexion. Morph Christina Hendricks’s face about 1/3 of the way to Kristen Schaal’s face, and you now can imagine Leeta perfectly.

The landlady had one major rule for the house: no fucking. She’s not getting any, so no one else is, either. Anywhere else, fine, just not here.

That was a rule I had no problem obeying. Hindsight tells me I had a reason to break that rule many times over. But we’re not there yet in the story.

Leeta and I became close friends. We’d watch movies together, hang out a bit after work/school, whatever. When the landlady went away on vacation, Leeta would platonically share my bed. If it was summer, I had the A/C. Winter, an electric blanket. The first time, I asked if I could cuddle with her. She found this endearing and consented. After a few minutes, she said “you’re not very good at this; where’s your legs?”

“To be embarrassingly honest, I’ve never been this close to anyone before, and I’m completely aroused. You didn’t sign up to deal with that.”

She grabbed a spare pillow to put between us, I got closer, and we fell asleep. So that was our relationship. Caring, affectionate, with some teasing here and there about my utter lack of experience. We supported each other when we had romantic prospects.

A year later, the landlady decided to retire and sell the house. We moved out, went our separate ways, hanging out once in a while. I still had all kinds of feelings for her, but never made them known. We went to the movies once, and she did the “yawn, stretch, arm around the shoulders” thing to me. I blushed, smiled, and held her hand. At dinner afterward, she showed me a portfolio booklet that she had modeled for. The cover was a picture of her, nude, laying in a bathtub. Just full frontal everything. I lost the capacity to speak for a few minutes. Upon recovering, I managed to compliment how the angle, composition, and lighting perfectly captured her delectable curves. We hung out a few more times, but eventually lost touch for a couple of years.

I was dealing with depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. I got back into the habit of eating my feelings. There was someone else I was developing a friendship with, who seemed to be interested in more, but by the time I figured that out, she had moved on to another guy in our circle of friends. I was devastated and miserable and withdrawn and just completely fucking hated myself. At this point, I was working second shift and the idea of dating was HARD. There were attempts, but I never knew what to say or do. My inbox was always empty. On a whim, at the end of 2006, I emailed Leeta to see what she was up to.

A week later, she responded: “Call me.”

And so I did! We agreed that she’d meet me at my job the next day around 7 PM, because we’d be alone by that time of day. I reminded her that my boss has an unpredictable habit of leaving work at 6, going home from Manhattan to New Jersey for a few hours, and then returning for no apparent reason.

Leeta showed up at just the right time and we greeted each other with a warm hug. We caught up on what she had been up to. She got on my computer and pulled up a website with pics of her at work, dancing in various states of undress. I tactfully complimented her, and eventually she changed the subject to me. I explained why I was in a bad way.

She took my hand, and lead me to the day-glow orange IKEA foldout couch, and sat me down. She turned away from me and began dancing. Then she sat on my lap and started grinding.

“Leeta, despite what you can feel through our pants...if this is out of pity, I don’t want it.”

She got up, turned around, mounted me face to face, took off her shirt, pulled her breasts out of her bra, and pulled my head to her chest. Hearing and feeling her heart beat, I kissed my way up to her collarbone, neck, and face. When I got to her lips, she hesitated. Her fingers ran through my hair as I held her other hand, and I asked her to please kiss me back.

28 goddamn years old, and begging for my first kiss.

After a moment, she did. Deeply, passionately. Her tongue surprised me, becoming a tornado around my own while she went back to grinding and groping me. She sat up a little, pushed my face between her breasts, and I worshipped them for what felt like either an eternity, or 0.68 seconds. I could have spent the rest of the night doing so, but my attention was eventually needed elsewhere.

“Mmmm, I’m wet. Here, feel.”

I obliged, because I’m a dutiful scientist. It’s really difficult to reach down someone’s jeans when they’re sitting on your lap. She unbuttoned and unzipped, and I was able to verify her condition.

We stood up. I pulled out and unfolded the couch while she took off her shoes & pants. She laid down and I got on top, kissing and licking from her head down to her toes, pausing briefly at her hips to slowly pull off her underwear. On my way back up, she opened her legs and guided my hand. I’d seen enough educational porn to understand what she wanted. I “come hithered” until she couldn’t take it any more, slurped her juices from my fingers, and went right back at it. By the 7th or 8th time, she was convulsing and grabbing at me. We kissed as she came down from the high. She got up on her knees, bent over and proclaimed, “I like it rough. Spank me?” I admired, caressed, squeezed, kissed, licked, and finally spanked her glorious ass. I moved to a better angle so I could finger and spank at the same time. I don’t get the whole pain/pleasure thing, but she certainly enjoyed herself.

It was then that Leeta noticed that I was still fully clothed. Not even slightly unbuttoned. I was (am) terribly uneasy about being naked with anyone, even with someone who wanted me. My face and body look like sacks of potatoes, and I felt unworthy of proceeding further. On top of that, I didn’t want to lose my virginity in my office, surrounded by dust and fumes, where my boss could return at any moment and I’d lose my job.

Unfortunately, she internalized my insecurity. “Is it because I’m ugly?” she asked.

“I’m the ugly one here. I’m so grateful to be with you, but this place is disgusting, my boss could be here soon, and I don’t have a condom. Your place or mine?”

“I can’t, I have to go to work.”

“How much do you need for tonight’s shift? I can cover you. Please, I want to be with you.”

“That’s not it; if I don’t show up, they won’t let me come back.”

I gathered up her clothes and “helped” her get dressed, kissing her all over. When she was ready to go, we embraced and made out for another minute. She proposed a FWB situation, to which I agreed.

Looking back, I realize this was out of insecurity, and she possibly wanted more. If she had asked, I would have said yes. I just didn’t know better at the time.

I let her go, and texted her as she left the building. “You’re wonderful, I can’t wait to see you again.”

I finished my shift uninterrupted, went home floating, and did some...“scientific research”.

I didn’t hear from her for weeks. The first week, I texted her every day. The messages quickly transitioned from Thirsty to Worried. After getting no response, I gave up.

Another week or so passed, and I sent a “I miss you, I hope you’re okay” text.

Finally, a response: “I have herpes.”

“Funny! Seriously, it’s ok if you don’t want to sleep with me. I can take ‘no’ for an answer.”

“I’m not kidding.”

I was not well. I was sad and angry, mostly for selfish reasons. I kept it all in, though, figuring she was going through enough stuff. I took her to dinner that weekend, and she explained what happened.

Leeta felt rejected because I didn’t have sex with her in my office. After her shift, she met a guy on the train ride home. He seemed nice. She went home with him, slept with him, spent a lot of time with him. A week later, she was at Planned Parenthood for an exam, pointed to a sore, and asked a nurse, “what’s that?”

She went to the guy, who had no idea. He had been kicked out of a very strict, religious, and anti-science (also, anti-“science”) home at an early age, had no knowledge about, well, anything. She decided to help him get his shit together. We parted that night, and I hugged her for what was probably an inappropriate amount of time.

A few months of friendly texting followed, and eventually Leeta expressed the idea of setting me up with one of her friends. The three of us would meet at a jazz club, with Leeta as a mutual wingwoman. “Denise” was super cute, and we had some common interests. It was awkward at first, but we had a good time. We shared a cab home because we lived on opposite ends of the same neighborhood. Sadly, Denise and I had opposing work schedules, and despite my efforts, we never saw each other again. It was also the last time I saw or heard from Leeta.

I have missed her ever since. But more selfishly, I miss the way I felt when I was with her. With Leeta, I never felt any kind of pressure to work and earn her affection; it was just there, and I reciprocated it. I never had a relationship like that since.

You are right. He doesn't deserve my anger. It's all purely jealousy. Everything has been by the book. If I wasnt so emotional, I'd agree. Because logically, you're right. And thank you for finally admitting that about Kenny. It weirdly means a lot. But you or him didnt do anything wrong. That being said..

Nowhere is it written that I have to like it. I perfectly understand. I still absolutely hate it. Its probably not fair, but i also feel it isnt fair. I have been ready to have these talks.. these honest communications with you since September. I know we hadn't figured out how to get our thoughts and feelings across yet, but I felt it. I felt ready to honestly connect and leave behind the past shit. I felt so awful and guilty for putting you through the worse of me, all I wanted to do was legitimately make it up. Not just so I didnt lose you, but because I owed it to you. For everything you suffered through. And where my anger stems from is that... you werent ready to hear that. You werent ready to believe me. The shoe was finally on the other foot and I fell to the mercy of the court and you... timidly agreed to it. Not really believing. And after figuring that out around Christmas... it made me mad. I had fully believed you after you put me through Hell. I had every reason to leave and I thought, "Its only at our lowest, that we're opened to the greatest change" and I just... took a chance on you. And i was right to. You cleaned everything up. You were dependable. You werent sketchy. You werent roaming around behind my back. I wanted that same courtesy. I wanted a real chance to make it up and you said youd give it to me, but you never actually did.

I'm sorry to bring up that Tom situation again. I know it infuriates you. But I do because I know you're saying, "I did give you a chance and you kept blowing it" but that conversation where I warned you... Time shows that I was right. I was legitimately trying to warn you and you bit my head off. You werent ready to hear me. I sat you down at Samurai to tell you I was scared of the idea of going out with someone else. because I KNEW this is how it would all turn out. Sure the names and faces are different, but I KNEW this would be what happened. I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to believe me. I was trying so hard to reach you.. but you didnt want to hear me.

I want to be happy for you. I really do. Part of me is. But I tried so hard to do those things for you, ready to be a good force in your life and the thing that stopped me... was you. I spent a lot of time and effort that I wish I hadn't. If I would've known you werent going to actually have faith in me... we would've stopped talking by October. That's why I'm so mad. You welcomed this stranger in when I was fighting so hard for that spot. That anger culminated and blew up on you on the worst possible day and finally killed everything.

I wasnt ready to give up. I have never given up on you. I dont know how. That's why I hate him. He could be the nicest and best guy.. but i wasnt ready to quit. I wasnt ready to give up my spot. He represents the chance that I wasnt honestly given. You had some hiccups when I gave you your chance, but I knew you were human and I saw the direction you were going and was happy to give you more chances. You were waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to slip just to tell me I couldn't do it. It wasnt fair. After 8 years, it wasnt fucking fair.

So yeah. Any words for him that come out of me will be bad. I wonder if I'll see him at an Ivan gig, since Ivan said they were friends. I glare and look and watch. Seething for this nobody person that got to walk into the longest relationship I ever had. I know, logically, I am wrong. But my passionate feelings wont listen to that. They scream and they wail and they cry out for my broken heart. I'm sorry I cant be better. I love hard and I love true. Our relationship put me through Hells I didn't know existed. All that kept me going was that strength. That pure, deep love for you.

Small stuff: Talk about her however you want. As you stated, this is a free space. If bad mouthing her helps you expel those feelings: do it. And his name isnt a full name. Hes got a dumbass name. sorry. that's truth. coming from another dude with a dumbass name. It's probably good to kill that curiosity. I do not want to hurt you. I dont have that anger for you in that way. I have a frustrated anger. not a vengeful one. I am not out to hurt, scare, torture, or spite you in any way. I do gnash my teeth at how irresponsible it was to offer a chance you werent actually offering, but that's it. I felt used and like a fool. you may have felt used after a 10m phone sex session, but I felt used after a 3 month desperate plea. not a contest, but they both fucking hurt.

I will keep writing here, because it's better than directly contacting you. I am honest with myself and know that I crave you like a drug. I will kill myself on your high. I cant resist you. You have almost infinite power over me and probably dont even know it. I thank you for not exercising it, because i do not know how strong i can be... even if I'm with her. THAT is how much power you have, believe it or not.

I honestly put my heart into you. I can't forget it and I cant forget you. I should've been the one to make you happy for the rest of your life and I will always hate anyone else that gets the chance you. you do deserve happiness and I hope you find it. but I will never ever like anyone who is romantically involved with you. Mine was personal love. Something I have never granted to anyone the way I had for you. It is a tragedy that we figured out how to communicate honestly too late. I miss telling you my secrets. I miss so much.

Take care of that sweet girl for me. I was the longest male in her life and she was a big part of mine. I gave her some good love when i last saw her. Update her Instagram, you monster. or make a new one. she deserves it. stretch her everyday. tell her you love her. dont assume she knows.

(also, today is safe to check mine. atleast before Zia. good pic of Tyb.)

I'm here for emergencies. You know what that means.. I hope. Do well. Break up with that one guy and do the single self empowerment thing. You're strong and I wish you well.

My story

I'm gonna try to keep this short and on more of the relationship side of it. When I was a few days from turning 13, I locked eyes with this guy and just fell hard for him. Until that point I was pretty much lesbian cause I'd only been into girls. But yeah I fell hard. I'd mark the days on the calendar when I'd see him, and I was painfully shy at that age, I was afraid to go up and talk to him. My sister and his sister were friends, so we would all hang out. We never actually spoke but it's like we had this secret communication with our eyes. And when we'd lock eyes it just made me light up, when he wouldn't look at me one day or be distant I'd cry when I got home xD. A year went by and not much happened. I knew he liked me though. He'd always stare at me, even my sister noticed. Like one night I was on their trampoline with my sister and his sister and was doing flips and he stood about 10 feet away just staring xD. When we went to the fair I'd go on rides with him and my sister would go with his sister. Every time my heart would race and my skin tingled every time we accidentally touched. One time we all played hide and seek in the basement. I was it and I had gotten his sister and my sister and he just comes walking out and just stands there and my sister says I gotta touch him. It was the weirdest moment ever. I slowly walked up to him, and touched his arm with my index finger while he just stood there xD. And on this quiz on fb, he said he trusted me with his life. Well he answered yes to the question. And I just had it bad. One day, he just gave me this sad look as he was walking to his car and I couldn't figure out what it meant. I didn't see him for awhile after that. One day few near the end of the year, October ish, my friend on fb kept telling me to play this fb game with her. So I did. And it was this online chatting type game, basically the same as imvu, it was called yoville. I started playing that and talking to people on it for fun. So, one day I found out my crush had a gf, and I felt a sense of Led on and cheated on. I wanted to completely move on and forget his existence. So. I turned to the game. To just forget him and maybe if I fell in love with someone else, then there wouldn't be anymore hurt and I'd forget him. And man, I had no idea what I was getting into. That's when I met my first love Austin. He was so sweet and different. We'd stay up till 2 am talking about everything and nothing. And I knew it was love. He seemed like a perfect boyfriend. We'd go on dates on the game almost every night. And after we'd go to his place or mine and we'd talk and talk. We'd write on white board "Austin + Reed= Forever". Also how I got that name. When I first made an account, I just used the name of my favourite character in my fave book, not thinking much of it at the time, but the name just became apart of me. So, I find out austins been cheating, a lot. I even catch him with his best female friend saying, "I want you, my gf doesn't even kiss me anymore." Kinda because the only time I did was because he'd act cause I was so nervous. I'd wait for him to make the first move or him to ask me. So yeah one day I got tired of being cheated on and him begging for me back and me taking him back and repeat. He wanted another chance and I was afraid to say no because I wanted to say yes but I was also afraid to say yes so I kept running and hiding from him. One day, he keeps following me around and says this is the last time he'll ask. I wanted to say yes but I said no. After that, i felt for the longest time everything he did was revenge. He said he was quitting the game for good and left for a week. He gave me mad anxiety attacks. So a week later he comes back and he seems fine and like we can be friends and he was friends with this one ex on the game before him, didn't feel that strongly for the guys, he cheated on me with 3 girlfriends, banged 5 chicks and had a wife, idk maybe Austin hanging around that dude was bad, but he's all like. "I'm gonna break your heart". He used to be so romantic, sending me love songs And then he was sending me the song break your heart by taio. I thought it was nothing. But he became a heartless jerk and did everything in his power to hurt me. I'd be on my knees crying and begging and he'd tell me to stop harassing him. He treated me like shit for 4 years. Dating all my friends, cheating, reeling me back in, throwing me back away. It was a huge part of my life. I felt the way about him that I did about my first kindergarten friend. Like the person is apart of me. The other half of me. All the good memory's of him loving me to him being so cold and putting me through the worst things a person can put someone through. One of my friends sent him this song called face down and was like "do you feel like a man when you push her around??" And another friend witnessed it. He was like "you want a lie? Here's one. Reed, I love you." And my friend was like "wtf! Why would you say that to her?!" I just couldn't get free of him. I had great friends on the game that accepted me for me, unlike my real friends who were complete dicks to me all the time and would put me down when I'd be myself. So I'd make a new account to get away from him. He always found me. I tried to move on from with him another friend. This guy who's liked me for a year. Who would always just listen when I'd rant about Austin and tell him what was new. He'd just sit on me outside my house on the game on the seat swing thing. And he kept telling me to end things and block him. And he'd hit on me all the time and compliment me. One day I had enough of Austin and told my friend to tell Craig that if he wanted to be with me, that I'd be waiting. So I didn't know what took so long. But finally, he came and we talked and we started dating. And it was a great relationship. He was good to me and we'd be silly together and I could be myself around him. I couldn't show my silly side to Austin, he'd tell me I was acting stupid. But with Craig I could be completely my crazy self. He'd do thing like being like, pushing my up against a Tree and kissing me and being like *takes your shoes* and would run to the bedroom xD. I didn't feel sexually attracted to dicks so during our sexual time I didn't really understand it. But I liked when he'd be playing with my boobs. And all my friends liked him. The only worry was his friend Hannah, who had a crush on him. And I knew it and kept trying to tell him that she was tryna steal him from me. He was so blind, like she'd write love crap in her mail about him. (You could read anyone's mail). And it just seemed all great and happy. One day though, Hannah came at me and was cussing me out. I had my own way of cussing people out. While girls like her were like "lol you ain't cute" and act all high and mighty, I'd be like "ugly bald ass weave headed tree truck! I bet you lick snails on the sidewalk!" So I guess Hannah got to him before I could. And idk what she told him but he was pissed. I'd never seen him pissed. He was the always happy kind of guy. And it was bad timing too. I was at my friend deans house and wrote on her white board "I love you like a love song". And I was gonna tell him that I loved him for real. So he comes in all pissed and I didn't know what was going on. So I was like, dude she was so mean to me! She totally likes you! Why can't you see that?! And he's not listening. All like "why tf were you mean to Hannah?!" Guess he cared more about her than me cause he didn't listen to a thing I said. And he dumped me just like that. I was thinking, oh it's miscommunication and everything will be fine. We even seemed like we were fine again after a few days, he was all flirting with me again and everything. But then I find out he has a gf. And it crushed me. And I'm all like, wtf is happening, you dumped me days ago. But he seemed happy with his new girl. I'd just sit on the seat swing we'd always sit on together and wait for him to come. When he's online he'd Always come to me. He didn't. One day I went to him and all his friends and her friends were there and they were making out and it crushed Me. I was like "congrats" and left, thinking he'd come after me. He never did. So I'd just sit on the swing and wait. I waited 10 months. For nothing. The chick knew it was killing me to. When I'd go to him, she was all over him. And they even kicked me out to have some private time. One day I broke down and told him how I felt. He told me Layla forced him into dating me. He said he never liked me. But I knew it was a lie. And I didn't know why he'd say that. So I went back to Austin again and he said he still loved me and yeah. I'd always make the same mistake and try to be with someone else to forget the hurt from the last person. There was also Alex, my friend set me up with, cheated on me and I went back to Austin. Then Shane, who seemed genuine, he liked me and would keep telling me that he wanted to tell the girl he likes that he likes her but said he couldn't do it and I was like "Shane. I like you too." And idk what happened, but he wouldn't make any moves to date me and one day started saying he loves me and I'm like, no you don't, don't joke with me about that, I take it seriously. Then started to tell me to off myself, and we were friends on fb so he sent me pics of weapons to hurt myself with. Then started dating this chick he'd told me a lot about that he likes, he'd talk about her a lot, so that was fun. Went back to Austin again. Then on the 5th year with Austin, he told me he met a girl in real life and told me about how much he loves me. The whole time I could have tried to date someone in rl, some guys liked me, but I didn't even notice them. It's kinda like dating your teacher secretly and no one can know, and instead of showing them off and doing couple stuff, you're shacked up in his apartment, missing out on life. But I didn't see any other guys. I was always loyal. So Austin kept going on about how amazing this girl in and talking about shit in details, and I did not want to hear it but was all like "oh yeah that's great, good for you". Like yeah totally doesn't kill me instead at alll So I was tired of that. I was done with love. I was done with it for a few months. But still couldn't move on. I thought maybe a rebound. It was the end of 2012 and me and this guy named Evan started talking. He was a friends ex and we'd talk about how my friend who was also his ex, was in a toxic relationship with this douche and we kept telling her to leave him. And then one day we just started flirting. He told me he had a gf but wanted to dumped her. Idk why I thought I was the exception. I didn't know he had a gf before I had found out about him and his ex Katie flirting. So he'd been flirting with both of us and I came to that shocking realization only last year. That it was another red flag I missed. But yeah he was flirting hardcore and I was flirting back and we talked for hours. And at the end he's saying how amazing I am and I'm like, what I'm just me. And he's like "pretty big deal flirting with someone as extremely beautiful as you". After a week he broke up with his gf and started dating me. I would kind of ask him every day if he dumped her yet. Didn't realize at the time that if someone if willing to cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. So me and Austin would still talk though. Evan would always tell me how amazing I am and I believed it all. But now it was all just his fake "I'm the perfect boyfriend" act. One day Austin said he was leaving for good and I still had feelings for him. I gave him a kiss goodbye and he told me to do it again. Just doing it the first time I knew it was wrong but maybe he hasn't seen it or something idk. And I told Evan about it, he didn't like it. And I guess I had told him he could get even and kiss some girl. It was just an empty gesture and I was an extremely apologetic person back then. But that's the excuse I got when I found out he kissed his friend Abby. He told me he didn't kiss her. I found out from her he did and he called her sexy. And then he brings up how I said I could and I couldn't stop wondering if it would have happened if I hadn't of have Austin The goodbye kiss. That was only the beginning. I never thought anyone could hurt me more than Austin did. I thought it was impossible to top 5 years of the things he did to me. With my and Evans relationship, it was the most real feeling one I've had. I made a kik cause he and Katie asked me to and it switched from talking on fb and yoville to on here. We'd watch movies together, send each other love songs, and I let him in more than I've ever let anyone in. I felt like I could trust him. I'd be afraid to tell bfs like, my fave movie cause then whenever I'd think about it and just think about the guy, since I was weird like that and everything would just be a constant reminder of the person and I didn't want that. But I let him in. I told him a ton and shared my world with him and he became the center of my world. I've never said I wanted to marry someone before, but I told Evan I wanted to marry him. He thought it was just something every girl thought, but I was like, no it's special, I swore when I was a kid I'd never get married, and I've never wanted to marry anyone, but I would marry you. He was the first person I showed my body to. It was my idea. He never showed anyone, I hadn't shown anyone, I thought it meant something to him. I didn't know he'd show it to anyone that asked. It wasn't special like I thought it was. He had very low self esteem and I was constantly picking him up. And he'd cheat a lot without meaning to. Always some excuse. He showed his bff amber, who I Knew had a crush on him but he kept denying, some things you shouldn't show a friend when you have a gf. And I even brought up the Hannah and Craig thing because it felt like that all over again and I was like, no I refuse for this to happen again. He said they were just friends though. But he'd call her attractive. He called all my friends attractive. I'd get upset and he said he was tryna make them feel better. He showed amber a pic of his thigh, and I've seen him naked a lot so it felt very revealing to me, it was really close to His dick. And he also sent her the same pics he send of me in a towel right after he got out of the shower. And who knows what other crap he did. He'd never tell me, I found out from other people. So I felt I had to stalk to get answers to find out if he was cheating. I stalked his fb one day and he's super about privacy and was actually going to cut me out of his life just for doing that. Idk if he ever really cared about me. He never made time for me, he wasn't loyal, he'd check out other chicks in rl, like staring at boobs and ass, while I'd never even notice guys, and I made so much time for him, he even put me down and made me feel pathetic about it and told me to go get a life. He never had a real gf or kissed a girl or anything and again I assumed it was because he was waiting for someone but no girls were just into him. Only the ugly ones he said. But still I was blind. He never fought for me. Maybe he didn't because he knew I'd always come back. In 2014 he left me for a girl. I knew it in my heart but he denied. He was too weak to break up with me that I had to break up with him. I was just balling and he knew that and he wouldn't reply and I'd just be like "goodbye" and delete my kik, I must have made about 50 kiks, no lie. All in hopes that he'd fight for me. He never did. He never cared when I was hurt. Just be like "sorry you feel that way" after I told him I was balling my eyes and couldn't even get up to blow my nose so I was using my shirt. I can't remember exactly what happened, but it was one of the worst nights. We were fighting about something again, well I was fighting, he'd just be like "stop making me feel awful". Well it's not my fault he did what he did and me being upset about it and wanting him to take responsibility for it was making him feel "awful". So I was upset and he stopped replying and I thought he blocked me and he just left me there to cry in the chat and it just all hit me and I started begging for him to reply. My mind just blacked out to all the darkness, it rarely happen Happened, but it did and all I could think was I couldn't live anymore. I had a self harming problem. It all started when my friend told me about it few years before. It was kind of two friends actually. Saying how they'd do that to make the pain go away and it worked and I tried to it to see if it helped because I was desperate. And I had a problem. So that night, I just forced myself to go deep and that if I couldn't then I'm weak and I'm not really in pain. It's like, trying to prove on the outside how much pain you are on the inside. And I just wrote goodbye on a piece of paper and it was all so morbid, rubbing my blood on it and sending him to him. He literally replied ":/" a few hours or days later. I just disappeared for a week and that was literally all he said. But anyways, I was really going to end my life, I didn't know how, but I just knew I had to. I got on yoville to tell Austin goodbye. And idk what would have happened if he wasn't online. When he found out he was kinda freaked. He kind of thought it was his fault that I was such a mess. He told me to never hurt myself again. And I just didn't know why he even cared. He spent 5 months making it up to me. Made sure that I was eating and made me promise never to hurt myself again. Told me to stay away from Evan. He never said he loved me but I felt like he was helping me because he loves me as much as I loved him and he wanted to be with me still. That we'd be together again. But he said he was leaving for good and it was time to move on. It did help. But I ended up going back to Evan again. He was like, the love of my life. He was my everything and I was addicted. I was so in love with him that I'd draw him and do all these things to show how much I loved him. He always thought he was ugly and no girls wanted him but I'd tell him every day how beautiful he is in my eyes. But I guess he wasn't getting enough of that from me and kept cheating on me. Flirting with my friends and a lot of stuff. I'd get upset and he'd tell me to just leave him and That's he's not perfect and makes mistakes. And I could never get over all the things he did. But I never felt like he was truly sorry. But still I kept putting up with all the pain and constant disappointments. He never remembered my bday. Even last year he didn't. He never said anything to me on Valentine's Day. He did Nothing for me. I didn't realize he was using me for sex and an ego boost. So, 2015, he goes to camp and for once, I feel free. I don't have to put up with his crap. I felt so free, that I actually just wanted to delete kik and forget it all. I felt like I was suffocating and in his cage. He could have talked to me when he was gone, he could have, if he really loved me, he would have. You're not allowed to have phones at that camp, but he could have sneaked it in and texted me at night. He could have. He didn't. So I wrote him a letter. I sent him a poloroid pic of me, a bracelet I stayed up late making for him, a guitar pick, and a letter about how I love him. I even made the bracelet look like raindrops, since our song was "between the raindrops". And I'd listen to it every night on loop as I'd fall asleep. I let myself fall so deeply for him, deep like the ocean. He was gone for a month, and in the end I just wanted to be free of all the hurt. I had cut my hair off and dyed it blonde. I decided to just wait till he got back then talk to him. But I already knew he'd just leave me when he got back. But to my surprise he said he got my letter, he didn't open it right away and wasn't excited about it, he didn't rip into it, he put it in his bag and was gonna read it later, the type of stuff he'd disappoint me with every day. But he said he kissed the letter the same spot I did. I put on redish pink lipstick and kissed the letter. So I thought it meant things were good. Guess he just wanted to kiss a girl and be wanted by a girl that bad. He actually never even wanted to meet me either or say anything about meeting up, but he also would say he'd cry if he saw me. But anyways, I tell him I love him and he doesn't say it back. I feel in my gut that something is wrong. But I decide to talk to him about it later. The next day I confront him about it. I tell him he has to step up or step out. I tell him love me or leave me. He picks leave. And I ask him why he didn't say he loves me back. He told me he didn't love me anymore. I was crying, he told me we could be friends or friends with benefi Benefits cause he was horny. But other than that, it's over. And I was like, im crying right now and you're saying that shit to me. And I was so done But a week later we still talk again. Idk why but since the start I felt in my gut that something would happen when he got to college. I told him he'd leave me for a girl. I just felt it and tried to many times to leave before that happened. So I could be long gone and over it. But. So he's in college and he's asking me for naked pics. And my dumb self thinks it means we'll get back together. So I show him stuff and then we don't talk again for awhile. One of my friends tell me to do the no contact rule. So I force myself to go without talking to him for a month. Another friend set me up with Branden and we became close friends. I was still loyal to Evan. I was still waiting for him to come back. I only did the no contact so he'd fight for me. But he didn't. And then, after a month, I found out he had a gf. And I was put into a constant anxiety attack. I could feel it even the night before I found out. I thought, what if he found someone? Idk I just knew and even started shaking. So I texted Evan on his phone number. I begged him to tell me who it was. I was just out of my mind and scared and hurt. And he just kept telling me how happy he is with her and that they've been dating for a month. I lost my mind. It was like, every bad thing that Austin ever did to me, all at once. I felt like I was shot 8 times and I could even count each spot I felt a bullet. I also felt this sharp knife stabbing pain in my back. And I couldn't breathe or stop shaking. I told him I was going to end my life and just threatening if he didn't tell me who it was. And I asked if it was the girl in 2014 he almost left me for but she actually did want his ass but he still kept the pics of them he had on his phone and even laughed about it to my friend like "don't tell reed she'll kill me" He said it wasn't her. He wasn't going to tell me who it was. I found out in my own. And on my own I put all the pieces together. All the shit I knew by the cryptic way he'd talk and the gut feelings that were always right. It was this blond chick that Had been hugging him in a pic of fb when he graduated high school. By the way she had her hand on him, I could tell she liked him. A girl always knows. I assumed she was one of the ugly girls that he wouldn't go after. He even told me not to worry about her. I found out he had been with her when he asked me for naked pics that last night. He cheated on her. It was one last sex stuff I guess since it takes awhile to get that stuff with someone new. So I was in pain for a long time. I couldn't move on and I couldn't stop talking to him. Every time I'd find out something else. I'd see all their pics of them cuddling and alll this shit. He did everything for her and did nothing for me. He brought her food when she said she was hungry, he took her out on vday, when on vday all he did was make me cry. He let her lay on his chest when she was sick and played with her hair. And I couldn't stop stalking. I couldn't stop talking to him. I wanted for it all to not be real. I found out he kissed her, a month later finding out he had sex with her, finding out all this stuff and every time it left me feeling paralyzed. I hated him but I loved. And idk how many nights I'd pray to just fall asleep and just couldn't stop shaking. I just lost everything in me. I became so numb. That's how my relationship with god became strong, I'd just be on my knees, in tears, begging for the pain to go away. And I'd be so grateful when even a little drop went away, enough for me to fall asleep. I didn't want to self harm again, but I did one last time. I didn't want to ever forget what he did and I wanted a scar so I'd remember. I was afraid I'd take him back. I wanted that mark to be a reminder of the pain. I had Branden and kristy who had been there for me. Branden and I even started getting feelings. I was doing the same thing again, trying to have someone new to forget the last person. Though this time I was terrified to get hurt and I was so hesitant. But I still tried, I slowly started to open up to him and let him in, I felt like I co Could trust him, because he had been there through everything. He even played go fish with me. I was in so much pain I was delusional and kept calling it "gold fish" and later he told me he was thinking "wtf is gold fish?" But didn't say anything. So I share pics with him and he does too and tells me he falls asleep hugging a pillow pretending it's me. And all this sweet crap. But he wouldn't date me. I kept asking why he wouldn't ask me out. He told me before he's been hurt really badly by a girl he loved and she put him through a lot of pain and I felt like "look at me im here, I'll never hurt you, you could easily be with me". But nah and he kept going on about "the chase" and how I was too easy or something and told me he's been flirting the whole time. Idk if he knew what a big deal it was for me to let him in and even show him pics after everything I had just been through. After that I completely shut down and felt so cold inside that my heart and soul felt frozen like ice. I couldn't stop being a bitch. I didn't care about anyone's feelings. And all I could think was, "what's wrong with me?" So one day I'm using this app on here called match and it matches you with people. Didn't think I'd find anyone, and assumed all guys on kik just wanna hook up. So one day this guy Damien texts me along with others, but he stood out. We start talking and he's all smooth and I actually out on Taylor swift and started dancing to "sparks fly". It had been forever since I just felt like that and just wanted to enjoy the feeling. But I thought he's just another guy that wants nudes. Things got crazy. He was head over heels for me while I was going on with me life and still trying to move on from Evan. So he'd keep texting me and just came off kind of obsessed and crazy. When I was on vacation he knew exactly what I did that day and I was freaked out. But I guess it was a normal guesstimate. And he's all getting mad and saying he wants to be with me and I don't know how to respond so I'm like "I'm gay. I like pizza" kind of replied which makes him even more mad. Very angry and controlling. One day we talk and he shows me his dog and I'm thinking, oh maybe he's not crazy. And then the next he's yelling at me to admit I like him. I knew I wasn't ready to date and told him that so many times. But he didn't listen. He didn't wanna get to know me, just wanted to date me. It was all so weird to me. I kept telling him I like getting to know a person first and stuff and staying up late and just talking about everything and nothing. I'm the type that connects with someone through talking. He says he connects with sex and he's banged 9 chicks who knows how many times. So I'm thinking "yeah for sure done with him". Idk why I even responded to him. I'd send him funny memes and he told me not to send that shit. And couldn't send screen shots or song lyrics either. And I'm like, is this guys for real? He's acting like he owns me when he doesn't even know me. Yep that's the guy I spent the last year with ☺️. He didn't ever listen to me. I tried to just stop talking to him but he didn't go away. So, I ended up stalking Evan again and See he went to prom with his gf. That's what he wanted so bad. Every year he'd tell me he wanted to go to prom and I'd tell him to go but he wouldn't without a date. So I threw him a prom on imvu. I did so much for his ass. When he struggled with studying I'd even start think game where every 10 minutes I'd send a naked pic, and he was motivated to study. So anyways. I end up telling Damien about prom and being upset about it like "guess he got what he wanted" and Damien's like "will you go to prom with me?" And I'm like "whaat" and he's like "I borrowed my dads car". Idk and just was being sweet and I was surprised by it. Then Evan and I end up talking again and Damien's upset about that. Saying how he appreciates every second I give him and how this asshole never gave a shit, and it was surprisingly refreshing. And idk he just seemed so sweet and into me that I thought I could give it a shot. I thought I'd be fine and I could still work on my issues. But man I was wrong. I was in way over my head. It was always constant fighting. I actually thought he liked yelling at me for sport, since he did it so much and literally got mad at everything. Idk it was crazy. Things started to get better and he would keep asking for stuff and I thought he can't be tryna use me for my body when he already had so many girls. And I would be thinking "why tf you online for? Why you want my nudes for? You had 9 girls aren't you satisfied yet?" And I said I don't easily cross that line but when I do I stay across. I can't think of a single time though where we're just talking and connecting. All just fighting. It was literally the only time he'd talk to me. I kept just living my life though. I'd take pics like me just grabbing my boob and just being playful like that, completely not in a sexual way, just in a being silly way. But he blew tf up and called me a slut and I'm like, wtf why are you getting upset about everything I do? And idk he says this shit to hurt me and I invite him in this group chat and kind of flirt with this guy To make Damien a little jealous idk. We played truth or dare and they dared me to write some guys name on my head and I'm like, I got a face mask on, I'll just write it on my chest. It was way above my chest and you couldn't see shit. Completely innocent, just a dare. Damien screen shot it and kept it for like forever and held it against me. So he's blowing tf up and I'm like "why are you upset? We aren't even dating". And he kept repeating "we aren't even dating" like 50 times like a psycho. And I don't even know what to think of that. I was out of there. I stayed off kik for a week. And then he's all sad and telling his friend he missed me. Tf he miss about me? Yelling at me? Like we don't even know each other yet he acts like he owns me. It was all just so bizarre. Idk how it happened though but we got closer somehow. Seeing him all sad and hurt just triggered me and I wanted to be there for him and give it a shot. The way he was talking about me and how deep his feelings were got to me. My ego so low I've thought about making a twitter and tweeting about all the stuff my exs wouldn't do for my. "My exs wouldn't buy a stick of butter for my. My exs wouldn't give me roses. Not even a piece of grass. My exs wouldn't take one step for me". All that kind of stuff. Me and Damien got closer somehow and I showed him stuff. It was a fun night. One of the few good times we've had. Just how he was kinda drew me in. Saying he'd punch any guy that hit on me and stuff. But I still wasn't over Evan. One night Damien's going off and idr what it was about but I was shaking and I was like "you're just trying to hurt me" and he's like "you bet your ass I am!" And that scared me even more. He was going off on me for hours to the point where I was shaking. But he couldn't spend 5 minutes talking to me and getting to know me. He talked to all my friends and tried to turn them against me. Idk how he does it, just making it seem like I'm the bad guy. I was so upset that I texted Evan. And we became friends for awhile. I'd tell him What Damien would do and he'd tell me I didn't deserve it. And he'd hit on me and I didn't say anything and didn't stop him. When he'd say stuff like say I was pretty, it helped heal the hurt he caused. And one night I even flirted a little, and Damien went off on me. I couldn't be loyal to him and I didn't know why. He'd be all upset and say how he just wanted me and that I kept breaking his heart and I just felt like, "wait this is actually hurting you? You don't just yell a me for sport?" And I felt so much guilt for months. I just stopped doing anything that upset him. Idk it's just all a mess. It feels like an abusive relationship. He'd laugh when I'd say that and said I'm the abuser. And I told him so many times I was done and just. The last time I said I was done, he got really sick and went to urgent care. It's my fault. 5pm telling me he hated me 6pm saying I wreaked him 7pm saying he feels really sick an 8pm saying he's in urgent care. I cant say how many tears I've spent on him. He always seems like I'm hurting him and it kills me inside. I just wanted to get to know him. I just wanted to get over Evan and fix my issues. I just wanted to spend time with him. But it's like it's just been revenge to him. He even admit it twice. I don't show anyone when I'm hurt and crying. I showed it to Evan a few times and he made me feel like I was weak, and to Damien he called me a cry baby. But still I spent like every day crying about him and taking all the blame. Sometimes it felt like I went heartless and I couldn't stop. I told him even when I just say that I wanted him that it was so hard for me to say. And he's just like "well how about this, if you don't say those things, I'll leave you." He's threatened me so many times and I can't get away. So I decided if I do nothing he can't get upset. Showing no cleavage in pics, not doing anything wrong, just trying to stay out of trouble. And then he just stops talking to me hardly and I think I can just fade out and everything will be okay. But. It's like, I'm scared he'll hurt me and himself, just the whole situation is messed up. And yeah he still talks to me. If I do anything though I always feel extremely guilty and feel like I have to tell him. Idk I feel emotionally exhausted after typing all that. Didn't mean to get so into details. Every time I upset him, he blows up my kik and leaves a ton of voice mails and texts and it's just better to play it safe. I feel like he just wants me, to keep me like his possession. When I do nothing and behave, he stops texting me. He also feels the need to punish me like he's my dad. It's weird. So I'm just trying not To get in trouble

Let’s Get Personal

   1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?            (In not particular order)          *The Red--Chevelle          *Elastic Heart--Sia          *Love on the Brain--Rihanna          *I Feel a Sin Coming On--Pistol Annies          *40 Day Dream--Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes          *any songs by 21 pilots of The Foo Fighters

   2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?          *Yeeeaaahhh, I don't like people, soooooooo.....I'm good.

   3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.          *There are no books near me and I'm not getting up.

   4: What do you think about most?          *Work.

   5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?          *It's a pic from #Kid_1 about her new ab workout

   6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?          *I have small children who still sneak in my bed at night, sooooo--clothes

   7: What’s your strangest talent?          *I can read really fast.

   8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)          *Gender is a social construct and I refuse to participate in this narrative.

   9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?          *Many, not to brag.

   10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?          *The last time I watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", probs.

   11: Do you have any strange phobias?          *No, Imma basic bih

   12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?          *Noooo?

   13: What’s your religion?          *Atheist raised Catholic

   14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?          *walking to the lake

   15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?          *Behind

   16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?          *The Foo Fighters

   17: What was the last lie you told?          *I'm sure I've told one today--everyone lies--but I can't remember

   18: Do you believe in karma?          *No, that would mean that I believe in a higher power

   19: What does your URL mean?          *Stripper name

   20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?          *Weakness = Not giving a shit (Husband says CARBS)  Strength = Not giving a shit (Husband says it's my ability to keep my eye on the big picture)

   21: Who is your celebrity crush?          *I like Fassbender, even though I don't think he's that great of an actor, traditionally handsome, and I don't think we'd get along were we ever          to meet or be forced to interact. Crushes are kind of weird little things.

   22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?          *No

   23: How do you vent your anger?          *Scream into a pillow or write a scathing letter and never send it.

   24: Do you have a collection of anything?          *So many things

   25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?          *Video chat

   26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?          *Yes

   27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?          *I hate too much noise, and I love the quiet. (ha ha)

   28: What’s your biggest “what if”?          *What if we don't "make it"?

   29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?          *Ghosts = no, Aliens = FUCK YES ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

   30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.          *My leather sectional couch

   31: Smell the air. What do you smell?          *Cinnamon rolls baking in the oven

   32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?          *There was this campground we went to when I was about 12 or 13 in Brown County, IN and it rained the entire time and I ended up getting my first UTI.

   33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?          *East Coast

   34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?          *uuuuuhhh......don't really fancy any singers.

   35: To you, what is the meaning of life?          *Arrive late, fuck shit up, leave. LOLZ

   36: Define Art.          *I have nothing profound to say that's not already been said. I have a great-uncle named Art who lives in Indianapolis?

   37: Do you believe in luck?          *No, you make your own

   38: What’s the weather like right now?          *Dark

   39: What time is it?          *9:38p EST

   40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?          *Yes, and a couple of times, both involving black ice

   41: What was the last book you read?          *For Fun? Pride and Prejudice. I want to re-read all of Austen's novels

   42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?          *Sure.

   43: Do you have any nicknames?          *Yes

   44: What was the last film you saw?          *WONDER WOMAAAAAAAAN (2017)

   45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?          *I broke my left ankle in March

   46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?          *Yes

   47: Do you have any obsessions right now?          *No

   48: What’s your sexual orientation?          *Hetero

   49: Ever had a rumor spread about you?          *Probably

   50: Do you believe in magic?          *Ever fallen in love? That's a sort-of magic.

   51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?          *Until my last dying breath, LOL

   52: What is your astrological sign?          *Aeries

   53: Do you save money or spend it?          *Save

   54: What’s the last thing you purchased?          *I had some prescriptions filled.

   55: Love or lust?          *It depends on if you want Mr(s). Right or Mr(s). Right Now

   56: In a relationship?          *Since 1993

   57: How many relationships have you had?          *Romantic? 25

   58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?         *No

   59: Where were you yesterday?         *Many places on Earth

   60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?         *Yes, my Chihuahua, Pinky

   61: Are you wearing socks right now?         *Fuck socks

   62: What’s your favorite animal?         *I love foxes. We have a family that lives by the lake and I see them a lot at night when I'm walking my husky.

   63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?         *Paying attention to little things and don't try to one-up them.

   64: Where is your best friend?         *He's sitting next to me. (husband)

   65: Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.         *Anglerfishy         *The-Haven-of-Fiction         *DisasterGeek         *WriterNotWaiting         *DrBennedict

   66: What is your heritage?          *Irish/German

   67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?          *Probably reading

   68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?          *Morningstar

   69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?          *Almost every day. ;)

   70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?          *Absolutely.

   71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you        are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?          *SAVE the FUCKING DOG

   72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are        going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?          *A) No B) Nothing different. I like my life C) Bring it on bitch

   73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.          *TRUST

   74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?          *Smells Like Teen Spirit--Nirvana

   75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?          *3825 (ha ha not really, see if you can figure out what that spells)

   76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?          *Never falling out of love at the same time (it happens, yeah--they don't tell you that before you get married)

   77: How can I win your heart?          *It's the little things....and compassion/kindness

   78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?          *Hmmm, I don't think it would necessarily dampen it? Unless one could LITERALLY not function.

   79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so          *Forgiving those who have wronged me

   80: What size shoes do you wear?          *US 10

   81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?          *I'm going to be cremated and my ashes pressed into a gem that will be mounted on the hilt of a sword that will be used to avenge my death because          YOU KNOW the only way I'm dying is by MURDER!!!!

   82: What is your favorite word?          *FUCK

   83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.          *Elastic

   84: What is a saying you say a lot?          *Oh my god

   85: What’s the last song you listened to?          *Ha Ha The Red--Chevelle

   86: Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?          *Black, gray, dark blue, dark red, olive green

   87: What is your current desktop picture?          *David Tennant as The Doctor snapping his fingers to close the Tardis doors

   88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?          *ONLY ONE PERSON??  It's too hard to choose.....

   89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?          *How do you REALLY feel about me?

   90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing        anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?          *Well, if Mummies were able to somehow come back to life and were surrounding my bed--that ALSO means I can teleport, sooooooo...buh-bye

   91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice!        What is that power?          *The ability to control the arachnid and insect populations of the world.

   92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to        experience again?          *...........I'm good, thanks.

   93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?          *My entire childhood before my parents divorced. My father is an abusive alcoholic/addict

   94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?          *Yeah, I'll pass.

   95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?          *London to see meh Bestie and his Partner

   96: Do you have any relatives in jail?          *Not that I know of

   97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?          *No

   98: Ever been on a plane?          *Yes

   99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?          *I voted for Hilary!!

Beauty and the Beast

When was the last time someone called you late at night? it’s been awhile

What beverage do you drink most often? Coffee

Do you have a study hall at school? N/A

Do you have a house key? Yes.

Are you any good at art? Yes

What is the last book you bought? John Lennon’s books rom the 60′s.  Finally found them online

Can you describe the last glass that you drank from? Plastic Starbucks cup

Do you know where your siblings are? Only child

Do you ever just lay in bed at night to think? Yeah

When was the last time you chewed gum? It’s been awhile.

What is on your favorite t-shirt? I don’t wear t-shirts

What time was it when you last ate? like 4:30

Do you wish you had more money? Sometimes

Does your computer still have any of the stickers on it? One lol

Does your house have a fireplace? No

Do your grandparents live in a nice house? They’re all gone :(

Are there ever tornadoes where you live? No

What was the last thing to wear you out? Work

Do you talk to your best friends parents, or do you avoid them? Beki’s parents have known me since I was born so year

Has anyone ever assumed you were dating someone when you weren’t? Yes

Do you go to all of your school’s sporting events? N/A

Do you have a sketchbook? No.  But I need to get one

What classes are you required to take this year? N/A

How many years will you be in college? I’m done with it since 2005

Has anyone given you a gift this week? No

Is your mother a prude? No.

Are you stubborn? No

If you took a drug test right now, would you pass? Yes

Who was the last person to be on a bed with you? No one

Has anyone called you perfect before? I don’t think so

Where is the biggest scar on your body? forearm

Who was the last person to play with your hair? For some reason I want to say Con, but that was like 7 years ago LOL.  It may have been Joey since then.  Or Erik..or Matt...shit I don’t remember haha

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes

Who was the last person you kissed on the cheek? umm...I think Ricky

Are your parents divorced? No.

Have you had sex today? No.

Would you ever live with any of your best friends? Totally

Are you photogenic? I don’t think so

Have you told anyone that you missed them lately? No.

Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? Ain’t happening

Will this Friday be a good one? I’ll be working

Do you know anyone that smokes pot? Yes.

What is your relationship status? Single

You receive $500 without any reason, what do you spend it on? Comedy classes

Where will you be in an hour? Still here in my bed.

Who do you hate? Oh some people lol

Is anything bothering you right now? Yes.

How is your mood? Alright

Where’s your phone? Next to me.

Why did you last cry? Shit going on in this country

What’s your middle name? Marie.

Is Arizona Green Tea amazing or what?! Not my favorite

Next movie you’ll watch? I don’t know.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom

Have you ever slammed the door when you were mad? Yes.

Do you like hanging out with a big group or a few friends? A few friends 

Have you ever had a screaming fight with someone close to you? Yeah

Do you ever feel suffocated? I guess.

Are your dreams crazy? Yes

Are you content with your life right now? Somewhat.

What did you do last Halloween? I dressed up as the Phantom of the Opera and watched the movie.  Also worked.  But Halloween is my favorite holiday

Have you ever driven illegally? no

What is the closest book to you? Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk -Kathleen Rooney 

Are you reading it or someone else? Yes

What is the 11th text on your phone? Sounds like you had fun

Who is it from? Marti

What is the most expensive thing you own that plays music? my phone

Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their names? Only child

Ever wear colored contacts? No

What color is your hair? Brown and blonde.  Gonna dye it red soon

What style of clothes do you normally wear? Dressy casual 

Milkshakes or Sundaes? Neither

What kind of shoes do you have on? Slippers

Do you have a doorbell? Yes.

How often do you sit around on your butt? Often on days I work

Current thing that is making you happy? Sal on TV

Do you like watermelons more or cherries? Watermelon.

Last time someone took a picture of you? At Tartan parade.  A photographer took a pic of me.  And another took a pic of my friend Jamie coming over to see me

Do you know anyone shorter than you? Not really

Would you adopt a child? Yeah

Do you like it when it rains? Hate it

What was the last thing you bought? Ticket to see Tom Green comedy show

Are you going to do another survey now? Most likely.

Closest living thing to you? My dog.

Anything planned for this Sunday? Yes, going to see my friend Jon perform.

Do you get cold easily? Yes.

Do you use a toaster or toaster oven? We have a toaster.

Do you have a job? Yes

Are you a big Zac Efron fan? You could say that

Would you rather drown or burn alive? I’d rather not drown or burn alive.

Ever had sex with more than 1 person in 1 day? No.

Do you own a dictionary? No

Do you like to mow the yard? No yard

Besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get kissed? Only been kissed on mouth and cheek.  So either

Were you happy when you woke up today? No

Who was the last person you ate with? dad

Did you drink any coffee today? Yes.

Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? No idea

If you’re in school, how is it going for you? N/A

Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? No one.

Have you ever thought about going to Culinary school? No.

What time do you have to be in work? I usually start at noon

What color is your father’s car? N/A

What type of sushi do you like to eat? Any

Where’s the last place you wore a hoodie to? No idea

Are your nails painted any special color? They’re not painted at all.

Give us your plans for the next three hours? Surveys, writing, sleep

Can you live a day without tv? Not if Jokers are on

How many pets do you have? 1

Who was the last person to hold your hand and when? Eric over a year ago

Do you like anyone right now? Yeah...I mean no regular crush right now so I’m gonna go with Sal.  Oh who am I kidding I’ll always have feelings for Con haha 

Do you think you are an argumentative person? No.

Has this weekend been good? It was ok 

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? I do now

Was yesterday better than today? A little

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus? Both

What is the most romantic text in your inbox? None

Where do you buy most of your shoes? Payless

Ever drive all night to get to someone? Don’t drive

Do you have any complaints about your life? I guess

Where was the last place you stayed over? It’s been a long time

Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk? Soy

Would you rather be a priest or a drug dealer? A priest.

Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes.

Do you watch the news? No

Does anything on your body itch right now? Yes

Now what are you listening to? Woman by John Lennon.  Excuse me while I go cry now :(

Do you have any bug bites? No.

Can you listen to music and read at the same time? Yeah

Own a sundress? No.

Do you prefer to say ‘Haha” or “Lol?” Both

Do you have any flowers in your room? No.

Do you know anyone that owns horses? Nope.

How many stories does your house have? Basement apartment