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#i like them both so so much it almosg does hurt when i stood there awkwardly almost like i was intruding
totheidiot
·
1 month
Text
i hate that the solar eclipse just now serves as a reminder that nobody loves me.
#🍂 arian's shit
#IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HAPPENED. but yeah
#i will always think of the solar eclipse i witnessed and think about that
#two people one of them my friend the other i thought i could consider my friend but HE PROBABLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
#they both talked and did their things and laughed and they are so damn close to each other it almost made me cry and reminded me that
#it was such a profound moment too when i realized what was going on
#they were in another world that didn't have me and i get that. i do. they have known each other for a year and i abruptly showed up
#two months ago and one of them we are getting close she likes me around
#at least i think
#the other one he is nice he is supposed to be like this he is nice to everyone that is who he is
#so what is happening: he is completely indifferent to me. most he did was remember my name and face. but he is nice.
#i like them both so so much it almosg does hurt when i stood there awkwardly almost like i was intruding
#and i realized that i have never not been close to anyone
#no acquaintances all the friendships i have had they sre the reason why i live and i know that they live for me too
#we have known each other since kindergarten. they held my face and cried and told me that i was love when i was leaving for the last time
#they love me. i am sure of it.
#but now i don't have anyone near whom i do love. people don't love me. i used to be love.
#it also hurts that i am Average Person In The World
#i am not funny. i do not have unique quirks. i do not have a single talent.
#all i am good for is saying the wrong things all time.
#even in my old life i was someone. someone who isn't the same as the person who saw the solar eclipse today and felt all this
#i was the idiot. I WAS THE IDIOT. i was the writer person.
#i don't feel like any of these things now. they had a thing in common: their capacity to love and be loved.
#i love very easily but i am not an easy person to love.
#vent post
#god this is such a small little thing i am the most pathetic thing in the world
#feel free to scroll away don't even read this shit
#arian contemplates his universe
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