#it's all my fault i cant do anything im so stupid im so stupid'
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me#i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am#truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside#or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just#me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here#i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious#i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont#want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they#i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish#i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here#i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see#and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all#be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself#theres an abyss where my personhood should be#i have to leave i have to get out of here
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i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.
#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo#i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now#theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant#and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking#and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO#like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time#if they arent actively with another tenant#its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol#all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again#and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in#and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that#i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today#and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else#or not even just sat around talking or whatever#idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn#and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up#and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit#and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again#idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound#and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again#i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO#cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking#or masking#AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK
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you CUNT. what the fuck.
#this is abt my new supervisor at work#i changed teams a couple weeks back cuz i didnt have enough to do anymore on my old team#and my new team supervisor??? seemed nice enough but shes literally just being a dick for no reason#shes just being fucking passive aggressive as shit#i sent her an email last week like 'hey im outta stuff to work on already n i just wanted to see if there was anything else i could do?'#esp bc. i literally transferred over bc of insufficient workload yk?#and she gets back to me being like 'well there is actually lots to do but since you havent been trained yet you cant do it'#and then proceeded to Not tell me who i should talk to abt doing said training#and there was a general vibe of 'its YOUR fault that you dont have enough work to do bc of your limited availability' like...#and TODAY????? today i clocked in n checked my email and she had#1) re-assigned work that i ALREADY FUCKING DID to another person on a flimsy fucking excuse#(she said that all emails to a given client should be from the same person so the client doesnt get confused????)#and 2) she sent me ANOTHER email being like#'umm you should have sent me an updated version of this draft with the issued invoice. why havent you done that already'#'also just fyi sweaty you have to actually track these matters until the email is sent. bc you are stupid and clearly dont know that'#'someone else handled while you were out bc you SUCK'#you wanna know why i didnt follow up??? bc i was OUT on monday (when the invoice was issued)#and it wasnt unplanned or anything. i communicated my planned absence HEAVILY in advance#and yet its still my fault that i like. didnt respond to emails that day?? bitch???#anyways. rip to me ig <3#whatever the fuck
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i life is fucking falling apart out of nowhere and i dont know what to do sbout it
#im so so fucking tired and stressed and angry and upset and i cant do anything#my cat is hurt and in pain and we cant even get her to eat even though she hasnt eaten in days#but i dont know what to do about it when she refuses to eat#and weve spent over $600 on her medical care so far and we already dont have lots of money to waste#and its all our fault snd its all MY fault for letting her leave the house#but i cant DO anything about it because even now my mom leaves the doors and windows wide open for the cats to go out snd get themselves#killed because she just doesnt fucking care and i cant DO anything about it i cant keep them safe on my own#i dont even know if shes going yo survive this or if shes gonna have long lasting effects forever#and now my computer keeps bluescreening repeatedly and im not good enough with computers to know how to fix it#and im too fucking stupid to follow instructions and i dont know what to DO#and im scared my computer is gonna die for real and then whats gonna be of me#im spending so much money more money than i even have to pay for this computer#and its one of the only good things i have in my stupid fucking life right now and i cant do anything as i watch it bluescreen#im fucking scared and stressed and anxious and i cant fucking do this#whatever sorry. rant over i just needed to talk
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ive been so overwhelmed lately with all the life changes that i haven't had energy to be here. and its going to be really hard to work on getting out of survival mode now that i have the time bc i just cant stop doing things that the household people need me too cuz well they NEED me and i love them but my mental state is just going haywire and none of my coping methods are really working :((((((( i dont know what to dooooo >:(
#i sound so defeated lmao#a bunch of the old conditioning is rearing its head again so im having Trouble#grr grr grr i hate feeling like i cant trust literally anything i think feel or do#it makes everything so HARD#why do i feel like literally EVERYTHING i do is a failure?? even though its not??#like i wrote ''grr grr grr'' there and my brain is like Oh thats Terrible how Could you its not helping you feel better at All you're So Ba#At Coping and youre Not Getting Better and its Your Fault#like. really dude??#we're in this together you know#bah. stupid. grr. hmrrgh. grumpy.#lassie vents#vent#personal
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too many thoughts head full :( sorry for the big huge rant in tags btw i just have too much going on rn
#i want my friends to like me and im sorta sure they already do but like i can never be sure#what if they only keep hanging out with me because they feel bad for me or somehting#im the worst person in any group im in no matter what#and i dont know how to tell people my boundaries without risking hurting thier feelings so ive just never voiced my concerns to my friends#because i just want to be well-liked by everybody and let them think im someone whos good enough to have friends#i feel like if i cant be entertaining and funny to them all the time then otherwise no one would like me#my friends are all great people just to be clear. they havent done anything to hurt me ever and i mostly feel safe around them#this is NOT their fault its just my stupid insecure monkey brain dont worry theyre really nice to me#more nice to me than i deserve#so why am i so sad all the time no matter what happens to me?#vent#im so sorry if you have read all this. i feel bad about ranting about all this im sorry thank you so much
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i think i am one of the worst people alive
#im better than shitty rich ppl#they definitely give better gifts than i do tho#im so bad at it it's not even funny#i haven't been able to get anything 4 my mom cuz i can't order shit online & i haven't seen my dad since thanksgiving#so that's all fucked#and i keep fucking talking too much#cuz i cant tell when it's too much til i already fucked it up & made ppl feel obligated 2 talk 2 me#srsly why can't i just shut my mouth#im always too much or not enough & i'd rather just not Be tbh !!!!#like hey girl rver think that nobody wants 2 deal w ur shit????#it's my fault @ the end of the day & i know that. but i also wish i knew how to fix it#i need 2 fix myself & shjt cuz i know im being annoying n all#but i rlly don't wanna get better#n its probably super self-absorbed & attention-seeking 2 say this but i want someone 2 worry abt me#there's definitely a better way i could put that but it's late & im fucking tired and stupid as hell#and there's more nuance & shit but that's what it boils down to#think i just want 2 b loved or wtvr#some edgy shit like that
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#im so sick of this#its been so fucking hard today i hate her so much whys she giving me shit for forgetting something whys she playing this fucking game again#i didnt remember exactly when whys it gotta be this shit again#whys everything so fuckig awful why cant antthibg be normal whys it always my fault whywhywhywhywhy please#i didnt fucking do anythibg#i didnt fucking do anything i hate you so much whats the point of anything youre always so mad at me for so much#we get it im your stupid mistake i ruin everything you do for me ill never be good enough to live on my own its always all my fault#im going to fucking explode#i cant do it anymore#i cant#i fuckign cant ive been stressed all day#go fuck yourself this isnt my fucking problem i hate you
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tbf i really deserved to lose that poll im stupid af
#i need to come off the pill it’s not funny anymore 😂🙏🏼#like it was already hard getting myself motivated for a degree i hate and then there’s the adhd shit on top of that#which is literally the productivity killer but now the pill on top of all that has just taken any fear factor i might have had#like i don’t feel anything I’m not nervous there’s no concept of repurcussions in my mind#and it’s meant I’ve basically hardly fucking studied and it’s entirely my fault and im GOING to fail#like you cannot walk into a uni exam with the barebones knowledge i have and still pass you just can’t#like i spent all of yesterday trying to study and i didn’t get anything fucking done until 11pm#when I did like. a solid hour. that’s it#and it’s so frustrating bc it’s like well why didn’t you just study#and im like i CANT it’s like an actual physical block stopping me#and ik thats the adhd but I could handle it before I knew if I left it last minute the panic would set in and I’d be suddenly productive#but now? nothing#i just don’t feel anything ever and haven’t since literally march#and even that the only reason i remember it as march so vividly is bc i had a fucking depressive episode#physically the pill has done bits but it’s shredded the little mental stability i had and now we’re here and I’m failing my stupid degree#even now it’s like. why am I on tumblr. the exam is in 1.5 hours. i have so much to do bc i did nothing yesterday#and instead of me feeling panic or guilty or ANYTHING?#nothing. just absolutely nothing it’s like im not even here#hella goes to uni
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so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to
#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now#im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not!#my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now!#who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!!#have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!!#anyway. light hearted.#i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on#i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change#ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc#so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms.#cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion?#yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s#can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script?#yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s#and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words#hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)
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currently thinking about how when i told my dad to tell my mother i would not be speaking to her until she apologised she just. straight up stopped even trying to contact me. like, not even a text. absolutely insane how much this woman refuses to admit that maybe she was wrong about how she handles some things. she cannot swallow her pride to even do this one really small basic show of respect. fucking mental.
#like…… i think she said ‘im sorry it came out rude’ right after it happened but. GIRL.#THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGISING FOR AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.#she knows full well that what she said was inappropriate invalidating triggering and insulting#AND that i have repeatedly asked her NOT to say it over the past few years.#and yet she just says ‘sorry it came out rude’???? like not ‘im sorry i said that’ not ‘i was wrong and insulting and disrespectful of ur#boundries that youve had in place for years now’#and like she keeps doing this again and again and again with so many fucking things#she just has no respect for my mental health issues or who i am or like just me as a person#its near constant. shes always subtly calling me dramatic and ridiculous and telling me that im stupid and that its all my fault#but the moment i try to bring up anything like this to her just just yells#and goes ‘oh i get it im a horrible mum well i tried my best and i put in so much work’ ect ect ect#like i was sharing with her biosocial theory and how i think that bcause we have never different ways of regulating out emotions#it meant i was never taught to do it properly/in a way that works for me and that combined with my autism and my trauma likely led to my bpd#and when i tried to explain that it wasnt anyones fault its just that we’re different ppl and there was no way she couldve knows#she was like ‘ohhhh so its MY fault? hm? I’M the reason youre like this!?’#and she looks down on me so fucking much for my ed and for sh and really just for any symptoms i show bc#why cant i deal with things properly like HER.#idk its so exhausting like i just want a proper apology from my own fucking mother but no.#shes doing the exact same thing that she berates and mocks and looks down on me for.#ugh i feel like screaming
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i love that thing i do where im super angry and mad and uncomfortable with something and then i get into a social situation and my Normal Face gets strapped on and suddenly i have no boundaries and nothings wrong ever
#grr ill get super upset about something. often in hindsight which is worse. and then i will forget once im doing anything.#my entire highschool experience was 'these people are so mean to me i hate them. why dont they care about me' and then id get to school#ready to confront them. and then the second i sit down it was gone. because suddenly im doing Social Situation. and Social Situation me is#happy until proven otherwise#and of course this compounds with the fact i cant for the life of me talk about my feelings until i a) have a breakdown AND b) somebody ask#thats so stupid. thats so unhelpful but i dont know how to talk about my issues. it doesnt help that i downplay them to hell and tell mysel#its all constantly my fault no matter what. i shouldve just done this! always. theres always something i shouldve done instead and didnt so#its my fault. again hindsight is an issue here bc i realize something made me uncomfortable but i didnt notice in the moment. and ill tell#myself no actually. thats stupid thats not real. i shouldve said something then. so now i cant say anything now. and tbh if i didnt realize#until now it obviously wasnt that bad#i KNOW thats not true but i cant get past it yknow..#anyway. ugh#vent :(#simons spouting
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#vent post pls dont feel the need to respond or read!#FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK FUCK MY LIFE I ACTUALLY SUCK SO MUCH I LITERALLY DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I DID THAT#LIKE?????? U WOULDVE THOUGHT I LEARNT THIS BY NOW AND HET#I KEEP GOING INTO THINGS WITHOUT THINKING AND GETTING STUCK IN STUPID SITUATIONS AND THEN I LOOK BAD#and then i feel outcast and its literally my own goddamn fault#i cant even blame anyone or anything else#and now im stuck here til saturday#and everyones gonna fucking know the stupid fucking shit i did#and i never have to see these people again but i do have to see them for the next 3 days#man i had a bad fucking feeling aboht this gd project#like from the beginning#and my bosses did too#but fuck ibjust thought itd be fine#and like again it was all my fault anyways!!!!!#even my brain who tends to shirk off responsibility and try to make excuses for myself#isnt able to do it this time#every time i think 'welllll you did it bc x was happening and THAT happened bc X happened'#my brain goes 'ya but you didnt have to do THAT you literally know better????'#like thinking abiut it now hours after i have no fucking clue what i was thinking. no fucking clue.#fuck my fucking life#this is 109% lighthearted i swear do not worry about me but the only words that describe how im feeling right now#are: im gonna fucking kill myself#/j /j /j /j /j /j#i honest to god wont but that perfectly encapsules the feeling rn#vent post
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#some good ol tags venting just to get some shit out of my system#but my ex randomly texted me after i had finally decided to unfollow him on everything#and i feel like all the progress ive made in getting over him is down the drain#i hate how much i miss him i feel so awful about the way things ended#and its really hard to keep reminding myself thats its not just my fault and he was doing things wrong too#but i just cant help but think if i had just done anything differently#i know thats not true i know he wouldve broken up with me no matter what#im not dumb i could tell before that something was wrong#but god i just miss him#i miss seeing his face after a long day and texting him and having sleep overs#its so stupid i tjought i was over this bullshit#ughughgughguvufhshsbdbsb this sucks
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,,,
#im too tired to even word my thoughts right#i wish i knew how to connect with people..#i think i mightve upset a friend bc i pushed him away instead of talking abt how ive been doing but i cant keep bothering him#its not right#at this point just...#i dont think anyone should have to hear me out when im upset#its been more than proven that no one actually wants to deal with me being upset#i wish i werent so sad and scared all the time.. it makes it hard to reach out and actually talk about anything#and the thing is like... people want to be there and care to a point.. i never know where it is or how to avoid it and then its my fault#i have too much wrong im upset too often im paranoid im sensitive im crazy just.... idk#and just... i am doing the work#i work so hard everyday#and its still never enough#but no matter how much i improve myself and grow and change its never enough for anyone#how many emotions do i have to swallow to be loved?#just... so many people in my life have only ever wanted me if ive been happy and complacent and doting and stupid#and anything else was a flaw#im so tired
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