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mydearesthrry · 11 months

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harry’s house home - h.s.

a/n: this is the cheesiest thing ive ever written okay. like its really sweet and almost cringey oopssss sorry. i hope you enjoy anyway !!! (p.s. originally was supposed to be titled harrys mojo dojo casa house but thats for another time)

🎀 warnings/cw: angst, swearing?? i actually dk, fluff, mention of flying anxiety, this is also completely unedited

🐇 pairing: famous!bf!harry styles x fem!reader

💐 wc: 2.1k

summary: it's not home without harry, you've come to realize.

This almost felt like a routine now.

Lying awake in her king sized bed, she was staring up at projected stars on the ceiling, gnawing on her bottom lip as she let her mind drift away in thought.

She misses him. Again.

Due to Harry being on the second Europe/UK leg of tour, she had decided to stay at home for a little until the final show, and it had been a good month since she last saw Harry. She had begun to run on Harry’s time, adjusting her sleep to wherever in the world he was so that she could talk to him. Their time zone differences weren’t gracious enough sadly, and she was wide awake at 3:40 in the morning.

Harry was busy so she couldn’t call or text him, and she wanted to let everything go as smoothly as they could so he could finally come home. Initially, she let herself be selfish and a bit greedy and took up almost 10 minutes of his time, texting back and forth and allowing her brain to read his responses in his voice.

Contrary to popular belief, it was easy for y/n and Harry to have a relationship that could withstand whatever problems they may have faced because they communicated, but communication can only get you so far.

She missed him.

All-consumingly, selfishly, and overwhelmingly missed him.

The amount of rocky moments that the couple had endured on the nearly 3 year long running tour had been more than the past 4 years of their relationship combined. Whether it be a schedule conflict, missed dates, late nights when she didn’t even know if he’d be home, nothing could compare to the feeling that she had swirling around in her chest right now.

They’d gotten into a fight a few days ago and since then she had been hesitant to text and call him in fear that she would ruin his day, or even worse, his shows. She knew well that he wouldn’t let it show to his millions of fans, but she could read him like an open book and the guilt that would swell in her body would just make her shut down. But it was getting hard to be alone. It was hard being in such a big house that was filled to the brim with reminders of him, which in turn would remind her that she was alone and that he was on the other side of the world.

She allowed her emotions to take the reins, and as she slowly started to feel everything, she could feel a harsh tug in her chest. She put a hand to her heart, letting out a deep exhale as she felt the familiar sting of tears tingle her nose, sinuses becoming stuffy immediately. She scrunched up her nose, allowing the tears to fill her eyes as she let out her first breathy sob. It wasn’t uncommon for her now to cry over missing Harry. In fact, she’s never even told him the extent of how much she missed him, and just tried to deal with it on her own. But this time, she didn’t feel like she was strong enough to just let it pass.

Picking up her phone, she quickly pulled up her favorites list in her phone, sobs still wracking her body as she tapped on Harry’s contact. She sniffled and tried her best to calm herself down as she heard the ringing coming from the phone signifying that he was receiving the call.

“Hey, ‘M in a meeting. Everything ok?” And just like that, the entire dam broke open, and she let her emotions flood the room she was sitting in.

“Harry,” she let out a pitiful whine, “I’m sorry I’m calling you like this, I- I knew you were in a meeting, and I’m sorry. And I know we’re in a fight and y’probably don’t want to talk to me, but I just… I need to hear your voice right now.”

“Oh— um, yeah, hold on, baby. It’s okay, ‘m glad you called me. Give me two seconds, okay? ‘M gonna mute m’self t’tell Jeff I need to take 20, but I’ll be all yours in a sec.” He promises, voice immediately drenched in urgency.

“Okay,” she whispers weakly, putting the phone on speaker and sinking back down into the mattress, laying the phone on her chest. There was an uncomfortable weight weighing her down from the inside out, and the pressure served as a good reminder to breathe as she anticipated the return of her boyfriend back to the phone.

“M’kay baby, talk to me. What’s the matter? Are you okay?” His voice exits from her speaker, another whimper emitting from her throat without warning.

“I jus— God, H. It’s so pathetic,” she sniffles, placing her hands over her eyes. “I jus’ miss you. So much.”

“Oh lovie,” a few soft shuffles are heard from his end of the line, and you can only assume he found a quiet place to sit down. “I miss y’so so much more.”

She nods even though she knows he can’t see her, but she knows her sweet boy knows her so well. “‘M trying to be supportive, trying to not freak out about you not being here, but it’s so hard, H.”

Trying to stifle the aggressive breaths leaving her mouth, she composed the best she can before speaking again. “I just want you to come home. I know I’ll be with you in a couple of days, but I just want you home. ‘M sorry, it’s so selfish of me to say this when you’re all alo-“

“Shh, my love. It’s okay. Take deep breaths, can y’do that for me first really quick, sweet girl? Sweet sunshine baby, miss you so much.” Harry cuts her off, knowing that she would cry and gasp her way into a potentially dangerous situation, and he couldn’t handle the thought of her being in danger especially when he wasn’t there.

“Okay, fuck, ‘M so sorry, H.” She breathes out, voice still wobbly, her breathing becoming a little more stable by the second.

“You don’t have to be sorry, ‘s what I'm here for, isn’t it? Now, tell me what’s got you so upset that you’ve cried y’self out so hard that y’got a killer headache right now?” His lips quirk up at the soft, barely noticeable laugh coming from the other end of the line. One that probably would’ve gone unnoticed to anyone else, but not to Harry.

“How’d you know? Hurts like hell, though. But, um— I miss you, a lot, obviously. And I hate that we’ve been fighting more now that you’re on the road again and I’m not with you, it doesn’t feel good because all I want is you here with me. All I want is you to come home. It- it feels so empty without you here.”

“Princess, I-“ he starts, but she cuts him off before he could continue.

“In all four years of our relationship, it’s never been so hard for us to be- us? And I thought about it, y’know, been crying myself to death over you, Mr. Styles, you’re quite the heartthrob. Literally.” You snort softly, trying to break the ice. Her lips draw up when she hears a matching chuckle coming from him.

“Tell me then, what’d you realize, silly girl?” He says.

“I don’t feel like I can be away form you for too long. It doesn’t feel like home here, and I think,” She whispers. “None of our places feel like home when you're not there. I think home has always been wherever you are.”

“Lovie,” Harry’s voice breaks, a telltale sign that he too was feeling the swell of emotion. “Y’breaking m’heart over here.”

“I’m sorry, I just– y'told me to be honest and you needed-”

“I needed to know. Thank y’for telling me, but I’ll see you so soon, Angel. Actually, I can even-” His voice cuts before more rustling is heard, and she can hear the muffled sounds of Harry’s voice, so she assumes that he’s pressed the phone to his chest. A few more brief hums are heard before a muffled ‘thank you!’ makes her brows furrow. “Right then, what’re you doing in like, say 4 to 5 hours?”

She makes a confused face at this. “What? Uh– nothing, why?”

“You’re coming home, baby.”

—

After exclamations of shock were given to Harry, he excuses himself from the call to get back to his meeting, leaving Y/N laying in her bed staring at the same stars that watched her weep in shock. She sits up with her hands on the white duvet, eyes wide as she whispers out, “I have to pack.”

Jumping out of her bed, she wheels her extra large suitcase out of hers and H’s shared walk-in closet, her green Pleasing beach bag already resting on one of the hooks on the bedroom door. A flurry of clothes, toiletries, makeup, and hair equipment gets sporadically thrown around the room, everything ultimately ending up in her suitcase. She places her more important items into her beach bag which now worked as her carry-on, and wheels everything out into the foyer.

Checking the time which now reads 6:30, she calls for an Uber to arrive at their house to transport her to the LAX airport. Her flight was set to leave in 2 and half hours, leaving her with just enough time to check in, find her gate, and grab a coffee once she's got to her terminal.

—

The long flight went just as expected, her fear of flying slightly eliminated by the (in her opinion, wildly unnecessary) first-class seating, courtesy of her incredibly dramatic boyfriend. She fell asleep 2 hours into the flight and slept for the majority of the it, her lack of sleep finally catching up to her. Waking up about 30 minutes before landing, she twists her head to open the window door, being greeted with the softest sunset she’s convinced she’s ever seen. And suddenly, her chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore.

The baggage claim was a wreck, delaying her from seeing Harry by another hour, but eventually, she made it into the car of the driver that Harry sent. Staring out the window, the condensation from the weather outside slightly obstructed her view of the beautiful city that she’d never seen before, and all she could think about was how she wanted to experience it with her love.

“Ma’am, we’re here.” The driver calls from the front, distracting her from her thoughts. Thanking him profusely, she jumps out of the vehicle, running toward the back entrance that Jeff had texted her to go to. The security guard at the door, James, a kind older man who she’s known since she started dating Harry, opens his arms and greets her with a smile. She grins and runs into his arms, James lifting her a little. Her dynamic with James reminded her of the relationship she'd had with her late father, and that made him even more important and special to her.

“Mi sonrisa,” She looks at him with a bright smile. “Welcome back.”

“Muchas gracias, te he extrañado,” She greets back, grabbing the VIP pass that he’d pulled out of his pocket. “I’ll see you in a few, thank you for waiting for me!”

A wide grin is now plastered on her face, nearly splitting her face in half. This is where she belonged. Skipping down the halls of the venue, occasionally asking a worker passing by where the hallways were to get to the dressing rooms. Once she finally found them, she walked up to Harry’s, a nervous twinge making itself known in her tummy. Raising a fist to knock, she taps on the door softly with her knuckles, waiting for Harry to answer the door. She doesn’t even have time to register that the door opened at all before she’s grabbed by Harry and immediately pulled into his arms.

“My sweet love,” His voice is hoarse, strained, almost as if he’d been crying. He pulls her back just enough to see her face, a soft smile on his face and green eyes shiny with tears. He places a kiss on her forehead, before dipping down to be eye level with her and laying the softest kiss on her lips. It was featherlight, and the room was quiet, so quiet, that the only sounds that were heard were their soft, slowly interconnecting breaths, and the soft smack of their lips breaking. Harry stared at her face once more, Y/N sharing the same sentiment, nothing but pure understanding in both of their eyes. It was Y/N who broke first this time, connecting their lips in a deeper, meaningful kiss.

When they both pulled away, Harry pressed another kiss to her temple before cradling the back of her head with his hand, bringing her face into his neck. Tilting his head down to have his lips leveled with her ear, he whispered, “Welcome home.”

✿✿✿

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfictions #harry edward styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles one shot #harry styles writing #harry styles imagines #harry styles angst #harry <3

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ghoulish-art-tendencies · 9 days

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ive been crying for the past 10 minutes over phils hair so to cope im now drawing him with his new hair

#i really love it #im not crying bc i think he ruined his hair #im crying over how hot he looks #dan and phil #phan #dnp #phil lester #amazingphil #dapg

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bunnakit · 6 months

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last twilight e3 thoughts feelings etc

so in the past ive watched the episodes and digested them and come back and rewatched to put together my thoughts but im kinda crunched for time today and have a mountain of work to do sooo i'm just gonna do this in one sitting and i'm so sorry if it's not as good or as coherent as what i usually deliver aaa. it's also going to be a bit longer than normal probably but i'll try to cut down on stuff that seems unnecessary or maybe just too obvious to comment on.

OH ITS STILL REALLY LONG EVEN WITH EDITING I'M SO SORRY.

oh them being playful with each other is everything to me. oh my god and Mhok learned, he listened to Porjai and he learned to organize and clean and do things with Day as an active participant so he knows where everything is and is taking control of his own life. oh we're only 3 minutes in and i'm emotional, okay.

i do love that we get to see the way Day has isolated himself and that while his family haven't helped there's also a large part of it that is his doing. ive said it before but when you're newly disabled it can be so so easy to isolate yourself. hell, i've been diagnosed for almost 10 years and i still do it from time to time as my condition worsens because it's hard. there are so many questions you have to answer, there's the anxiety of not knowing if people are going to be accommodating to your needs, and sometimes it takes twice or even three times the energy it used to take before because every action is a little harder now. it can be terrifying to put yourself out there again and you will lose friends in the process. there will be people that don't understand, that find you to be an inconvenience, that won't make accommodations for you, and it will hurt every time but saying goodbye to those people is always ultimately for the better - but it doesn't make it hurt less. as much as i'd love the realism of it, i hope we don't have to see Day go through that.

Day's story about his friend is interesting, too. he says he doesn't want to be pitied by his friends but the thing is. they just did that, they accommodated their friend, and from the sound of it they did it without judgement. so why couldn't it be the same for him? it just shows more of his anxiety and his fear.

"once i'm ready you'll be the first to get my invitation card." Porjai and Mhok's friendship means so so fucking much to me.

"i felt like my life was worthless. all i saw in people's eyes was insult."

screaming. crying. throwing up. i don't need to say anything about this but i thought you all should know it made me ill.

here's the thing, my best friend and i dated in high school, we were 16 and fucking stupid and toxic and our home lives were shit and we took it out on each other and we made each other fucking miserable by the end of things. we didn't talk again for over five years. it took time to come back together, to heal and accept our own faults in what went wrong. we stumbled here and there as we came back together but now? almost 10 years later i don't know what i'd do without him. that's my platonic soulmate, that's the one person besides my husband i can share anything with. fuck, he knows more about my life than my husband does because he was there to see me at my worst, at the scariest point in my life where i almost wasn't around anymore to see tomorrow. that kind of friendship is so fucking special, i cannot even properly put it into words, and for Mhok to keep that? to have that with Porjai? i'm so fucking glad he has that. i'm so glad he got to keep his platonic soulmate.

small aside, i love that Mhok consistently announces himself to Day. it's a little action but it's so considerate. he's honestly doing such an incredible job.

Day puts his sunglasses on like armor; like they can shield him from the judging stares or looks of pity he can't see. maybe someday he won't need them, not because his heart has hardened to take the blows, but maybe because he knows Mhok is by his side. because remember - it's the way they look at us.

"i heard you wanted to take time off and focus on badminton" Night i'm going to drown you in your own toilet. this is just furthering my thoughts from episode 2 that Night is ashamed of his brother and his condition, or perhaps that the family is trying to hide his condition for some fucking stupid reason.

the bravery it took Day to come here and admit whats happening to his is huge, but i'm also in love with the admissions admin saying sure, you can have time off, but you're not allowed to quit. you're not allowed to give up on yourself.

"we must live with hope, Day" and that's it. you have to. you just have to. every day is going to be so hard and so much, you'll have good and bad days, but at least in all those days you'll have hope. and maybe someday that hope won't be for new eyes. maybe that hope will turn into acceptance, into determination, into pride at what you've accomplished in spite of it all. in my opinion, hope is an amazing fuel but it's not sustainable, it's just a vehicle to get you to where you need to be.

Mhok asking a blind man for a tour, oh fuck fuck fuckfuckufkcufk-- Mhok essentially saying show me your world exactly as you remember it, let me in. see how things have changed and how they've remained the same and do it with me by your side.

THE WAY MHOK SHIELDS HIM AT THE LIBRARY. DAY DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR HIS SUNGLASSES LIKE ARMOR BECAUSE MHOK IS BY HIS SIDE AS HIS SHIELD. chewing my own arm off brb.

"and you also have me. nothing to be afraid of" because i will always shield you, i will always protect you, i will stand by your side AAAA--

on part 3/4 now, i promise i'll shut the fuck up soon. if you've read this far pls take this as a smooch checkpoint, i'm giving you a little forehead smooch. have you had any water today? taken your meds? relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw.

ok back to it - Mhok continuously having Day make his own selections in these various machines. Day's fate is in his hands, he can do these things himself, but Mhok will be there with him the whole way.

"my eyes don't work well but my legs do just fine." this is such a massive leap from the man that wouldn't even leave his bedroom, from the man that was suffocating in his environment. Day is no longer a dying man, a shambling corpse. he is an active participant in his own life again.

"stay close to me, that's all i need" bitch i'm gonna throw up, you can't just hit me with that after that's all i've been saying this whole time what the fuck.

OH FUCK ME. okay. alright. hang on. so when they enter the shop Mhok describes it to Day, explains where the jeans are, where the shirts are, asks him what to do and what he wants to take a look at. this is a direct antithesis of Night in episode 1 asking where Day was going to wait for him, where he could leave him so he could get his shit done. Day isn't being asked to wait, to just sit idle while life passes him by, he's being asked what he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to see. FUUUUUCK. and knowing Mhok is doing this because Day expressed that he liked dressing nicely? how the fuck am i supposed to just go to my job like a normal person after this episode.

wow the shirt buttoning scene just made me so mentally ill. right now, Mhok is doing his job. he's helping Day get dressed. but someday? someday this could be Mhok dressing Day not because he needs him to help but simply because Mhok likes doing to for Day. there's the sensuality of caring for your partner, of running your hands over the planes of their shoulders, of skimming your fingers down their chest to pluck every button. it's an exploration and a declaration of love. if we get this again in a future scene and it's something like that please remember me fondly because i will perish.

at the bookstore Mhok recognizing Day doesn't want to wait, but Day has become so accustomed to the other people in his life telling him what to do that he falls back into that behavior - but Mhok doesn't let him. he prioritizes Day's needs and desires, even if it's something as little as finding a book, without being asked.

THE LAST PAGE IS MISSING.

(because one can't see his future and the other can't see in the future, but also because they'll make their own ending, they'll face that when they get there, but they'll do it together -- what if i lost my shit completely of it?)

when Mhok leaves Day to get him a drink the camera is focused on Day and the clear warring emotions on his face but if you look in the background Mhok hesitates, he stops and turns a few times to look at day. he's reluctant to leave him and worried. Mhok worries so much but it's always so understated or in the background, covered by the emotions of others he values above himself. (or overlooked because of 'what type of person he is')

while its anxiety inducing i do enjoy this regression of behavior because adapting to a new life is hard. you will regress, you will stumble, you will fall into old habits or sometimes old fears will return. its what you do after that that is important. the one thing i hope doesn't happen is i hope this doesn't cause a rift with Porjai. i think Mhok needs her right now, maybe not forever, but definitely right now.

HE PUT ON THE FUCKING SHIRT. THE FUCKING SHIRT DAY COULD SEE FROM MARS. OH MY GOD. i know this doesn't need to be commented on, i know it's obvious, but FUUUUCK.

Day's mom trying to weaponize Mhok's past and Mhok taking the ammunition from her hands and telling Day himself. the acceptance of the past and the determination to move on and grow from it. Day's refusal to let the past repeat itself with a new caretaker. whoo boy.

and again Day wants to see Mhok, because even bruised and battered Mhok is worth seeing.

if the last episode ends with "sweet dreams/good night" i will be burying myself alive, thanks.

tagging @benkaaoi and @callipigio as requested (if you want to be added to my last twilight meta tag list just let me know!)

THE PINK SHIRT RUINING HIS BAD BOY IMAGE BECAUSE IT IS BEING RUINED. HE'S MOVING ON, HE'S GROWING, HE'S BECOMING A NEW PERSON. FUCK OFF.

i'm so so sorry this was so long, every episode makes me feel more and more things and makes me analyze shit more and more.

#last twilight #last twilight the series #ltts meta #bunn meta #mhokday #morkday

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vampsickle · 1 year

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first time. ☆ (dmc3 ) dante

☆ tags - fem!reader, soft.., ur both in love fr, 3dante!! baby boy, oral (f!receiving), petnames, mushy gushy, porn with just a LITTLE bit of plot lol.

☆ wc - 2.9k

☆ a/n - anon ur crazy for this and im crazy im not ok ive been wanting to write this for so long. you must’ve read my mind or my messages. tbh 3dante is a filthy virgin and a nervous wreck and i love him! i did my best <3 also not proofread im sowiee

☆ synopsis - after being with dante for about a year, you finally want to take your relationship with him a step further.

You and Dante have been together for about half a year now, meeting at a small restaurant, where he would always order strawberry sundaes. Honestly, you thought it was cute. He was cute. His white hair was so pretty, falling over his eyes, and he always wore that signature crimson coat. Finally you found the courage to talk to him, but what you didn’t realize was that he also had his eye on you.

Still, Dante is just as infatuated with you as you are with him. Even when he’s away on a mission, just for a few days, you can’t help but yearn for him. The both of you are foolish teenagers in love, maybe making reckless decisions with each other, the biggest decision you made was moving out of your parent’s house to stay with Dante. At first you had felt homesick, not used to being away this long, but Dante always took good care of you. Or— He did the best he could.

You took care of him as well, always there for him, listening when he explained his past and identity. Dante sharing his blood with the blood of a devil didn’t scare you and you stayed with him through and through. The both of you are practically obsessed with each other, Dante sometimes missing the phone because he’s too busy kissing you or cuddling you, but by cuddling, I mean laying on top of you.

He hasn’t been home in a few days, leaving you incredibly bored, as you don’t go out much. Even when he’s around, you’re too busy being glued to him. You’re lost in your thoughts when, suddenly, the doors to Devil May Cry swing open, and Dante steps in. Then you notice the stench of blood and guts on him.

“You must’ve had an exciting time, huh?” you smile at him, trying to ignore the smell of death.

“Pff— It’s no fun without you, babe.”

You swoon, blushing a bit at his words, he’s always so casual. Dante walks over to kiss you but you lean back, even if you so desperately want to kiss him, you can no longer ignore the strong smell. He’s aware of the smell too, yet he pouts, pleading silently.

“Shower first. Kay?”

“.. Fine.” he grumbles in response, his boots are so heavy, and so loud. He basically drags himself up the stairs— acting so dramatic. All you can do is laugh, waiting to hear the water run, before you make your way to his bedroom.

Tonight, you wanted to reward him, and.. Maybe take this relationship to the next level. Because— well, heavy kissing and dry humping wasn’t enough anymore. Your face flushes at the thought and you grab his pillow, holding it to your chest. After a good 10 minutes, Dante turns off the water, drying himself off. He shakes his head around as a dog would— then aggressively drying it.

He yawns and grabs some sweats that were already in the bathroom, along with his boxers. Dante remembers that you bought them for him, covered in small strawberries, and he smiles to himself.

Returning to his bedroom with the towel slung over his shoulders, he pauses in surprise, his eyes scanning your body. All you were wearing was a long white t-shirt and some pajama shorts. Dante can’t help looking at the exposed skin, hormones raging.

Diving onto the bed, you almost squeal, bouncing slightly. Dante scoots closer, wrapping his arms around your waist, and shoving his face into your stomach.

“Are you comfy?”

“Mm.”

A smile creeps onto your face and you run your fingers through his soft but still damp hair. He inhales you a few seconds longer before sitting up on his knees. He’s so much taller than you, even when he’s on his knees next to you, his baby blue eyes meeting your gaze. But your eyes are silently asking him to kiss you. He does.

It’s funny— how soft his lips are. He’s perfect. His skin is softer than yours. Dante’s so pretty. And he’s so warm. You reach up to card your fingers through his hair once again and Dante’s tongue swipes across your lower lip, so you open your mouth a little wider for him. You’ve noticed how he’s always so careful with you, so gentle, like he could break you. Goosebumps erupt over your skin when his tongue feels yours, sucking softly, exploring your mouth. His hand reaches to wrap around your waist, pulling you closer, and you can feel his heartbeat against your chest.

Then you have to pull away for air, eyes half lidded, and Dante’s looking right at you. His room is dimly lit, but his eyes are always so bright, so intense. You kiss him again, crawling onto his lap, arms wrapping themselves around his neck. His hands rest on your hips, head cocked to the side to deepen the kiss, and you slowly rock your hips on him. Dante blushes, grunting softly, eyes fluttering open slightly. He could kiss you forever, he doesn’t need air. But, you do. When you pull away from him, a string of saliva is connected to both of your lips, and you wipe it away.

“Dante.. I want— To, um..” you trail off, suddenly shying away from his gaze, but he follows you.

“Me too— I mean- If you mean, uh-“ maybe he answered too fast, but he sits up straighter, nuzzling his nose into your cheek so you don’t see his embarrassed face.

Then the both of you laugh softly together, knowing exactly what the other wants.

“We can take it slow though, baby.. Don’t wanna make you do anything. But— I mean it’d be pretty great to do it with you.” Dante rambles, scratching the back of his head, tilting it like a puppydog. He’s so cute, you think.

“There’s no one else I’d wanna do it with, Dante. It’s only you.”

His heart is racing, it’s so bad that he honestly thinks he’s having a heart attack, but he shakes away the nervousness. He kisses you again to ease his nervousness, your lips are so familiar, and you taste so sweet. You’re better than any strawberry sundae.

You feel lightheaded and so warm. So you pull off your shirt, forgetting you had no bra underneath, and Dante can’t even talk. Maybe he should feel bad for staring at your breasts for so long, his hands gripping the sheets so hard they may just rip. Instead, you gently grab his wrist and you bring it to rest on your chest. Butterflies flutter in your stomach again, feeling embarrassed at how intently he’s staring.

“You.. You can touch me, Dante. ‘s okay,” your voice soothes him, so he nods slowly, gently massaging your breast. Your breathing picks up, your heartbeat is so loud that you’re suddenly insecure that Dante could hear it, and the blood rushes to your ears.

He’s not doing anything with his other hand and he takes that one to cup your other boob. Both his thumbs brush over your hardened nubs, making circles, and you whimper quietly.

“Can you— ah, can you put.. Your mouth on it.. Please,” god, he can’t believe you’re finally letting him go this far. Actually, he can’t believe he’s going this far either. He’s never even had sex. There was never any time.

But he listens to your request, leaning in close to attach his mouth to your nipple, sucking gently. You moan quietly, sighing in relief, and he continues suckling. He does the same for the other one, shivering at how hot your skin feels, and Dante runs his hands down your sides.

“So pretty.. Can I— Can I take your shorts off?” honestly, you’re so surprised at how shy he sounds. He’s always saying corny one-liners, playfully flirting, and he never hesitates. But now you’ve realized it’s all a facade, keeping up that faux confidence just to intimidate others, so he can feel better. Inhale, then exhale. You can’t deny that you aren’t nervous as well. Instead you take off your shorts for him, now only in some plain underwear, and you kindly ask Dante if he could take off his sweats.

He scrambles up to push them down to his ankles and he kicks them off. Dante’s back on the bed again, cupping your cheek to kiss you, and you feel all the nervousness and hesitance melt away. It’s just you and him. You’re both so desperate for each other, so needy. Dante leans back, gently pulling you back into his chest. He’s massaging your tits once again, enjoying how they feel against his palms, and your neck strains as you attempt to kiss him once more.

Dante smiles a bit, leaning down to kiss you, his hand trailing down your stomach to the fabric of your underwear. You grip his wrist, whining softly, but you want him to touch you there.

“I’m gonna make you feel real good baby, I swear it..”

“Wanna make you feel good too, Dante,”

You both relish in each other’s embrace, lips locked, now your tongue in his mouth. He tastes like strawberries and smells like vanilla. How does he keep that up? Then you feel his hand slip under your panties, hovering over the heat you emit, gasping softly against your lips. Your hips jerk up slightly, desperate to be touched, for Dante to feel you. He’s swiping his index finger over your slit, feeling more of your wetness leaking onto his finger, and he begins to rub you so sensually.

“‘s this.. This okay, baby?” he murmurs, still rubbing his hand against your pussy, keeping up the slow movement of his hand.

“Yes— You can go a little faster,” it’s hard for you to even say that. But he wants to hear you. Even if you’re not talking. No one’s touched you down there besides yourself, and god, his hand is so big. But his hand movement is faster now, fingers rubbing in circles, and your legs instinctively squeeze together. Dante feels prideful, that he’s already making you feel so good despite his lack of experience.

But you can feel even better than how you do now. So you gently hold his wrist, then guide him towards your clit, urging him to touch you there. He gets what you need now, keeping that same pace as he rubs your clit in circles, which makes you writhe under him.

“Dante— Oh- I’m going to,” your breaths are fast and short, bucking up against his touch, clinging to him. He moans softly at how wet you feel, and you cum all over his fingers, moaning against his bicep. You gasp softly after as it’s become too much, so you grab him again, whining— quietly telling him to stop.

“Sorry— I- Are you okay, baby? Was it..”

“No, no, it’s fine..! Dante, that was so good.. I’ve never, ah.. Felt like that before.”

His eyes widen slightly, fireworks exploding in his head, and he can’t help but kissing you again. Giddy over the fact that he made you feel that way. He was the first.

“Can I touch you now..? Please?” Dante doesn’t say no, rubbing his clothed erection against your thigh, so you shakily pull his cock out from the confines of his boxers. The ones you bought him. He’s big. Well, you figured that he was, not only because he was your boyfriend but because.. Well, he is part devil. So that must be a factor in this.

His cock is warm against your palm, twitching, and leaking so much pre-come. You apologize to him in your head that you didn’t touch him sooner. But you start to wonder how many times he jerked off thinking about you. It makes you scream inwardly, hoping Dante knows that you’ve also gotten off thinking of him as well.

“Oh… Baby, touch me more,” he whines, a bit louder than he intended, his head hanging over your shoulder. Now you’re wrapping your hand around him, he’s so thick, the tip is a pretty pink. You pump his cock a few times, setting a steady rhythm, and Dante’s thigh muscles tighten, his breath hot against your ear.

You’re becoming more and more aroused at how he whines and moans into your hair, repeatedly saying your name, eyes shut so tightly. His jaw is clenched and he’s attempting to match your rhythm as his hips move with your hand.

“Damn—! I’m—“ but he can’t get anymore out, before cumming into your hand, some of it shooting out onto your stomach. You’re surprised that he came so fast, but then you blush, slowly bringing your hand to a stop. It’s amazing how he’s still half hard— he wants to be inside you, and then he won’t ask for anything else.

“Can we still.. Keep going? Please? I wanna be inside you so bad, baby. Waited so long..” he’s rutting against you, as though he were in heat, and you want it too. You’ve been waiting to feel him inside you, but you were always too nervous, backing out at the last second whenever you thought about it.

Dante gently lays you down, quickly opening his nightstand drawer, digging for a condom.

“Wait—! Um— Prep me first..! It’s gonna hurt more if you just put it in..”

He was so eager to just push himself inside of you that he hadn’t thought of it. Dante mumbles an apology to you, opening your legs and moving off the bed, onto his knees. You squeak in protest when his tongue is suddenly pressed flat against your pussy. God, you’ve only read about girls getting eaten out, and now here you are, with a beautiful boy between your legs. Dante’s licking you all over, slurping and sucking, he’s so messy. Despite his inexperience, he’s still making you feel good, his mouth suddenly wrapping around your entire pussy. You’re whining and moaning underneath him, grasping the sheets, just to hold something.

He’s moaning against you as well, one hand moving down to stroke himself as he eats you out, tongue inserting itself inside you. You nearly choke on your moan, throwing your head back at the feeling of the muscle inside of you, attempting to push him away with your foot. But you don’t want to push him away.

Your arousal is smeared all over his chin, some of it on his cheeks, and his nose is pressed against your clit. It’s so much at once and you cry out when he inserts one finger inside you.

“Dante—! Fuck!” he moans in response, gently pumping his finger in and out, before inserting another.

“Wait— Stop-“ you desperately plead, so Dante pulls away, albeit rather hesitantly.

“You okay, baby? Did I do something wrong?” he’s worried, worried that he hurt you, and scared that you’d get up and leave.

But you simply shake your head, slowly sitting up, trying to control your shaking muscles.

“No— No, it’s not you.. But, I’m ready now, okay? If you kept that up I was going to cum again..”

Dante tilts his head, as though he were asking ‘what’s wrong with that?’, so you answer his question.

“I.. Wanna cum with you. Um, when you’re inside me…”

If Dante had a dog tail, it’d be wagging. He thinks you’re so romantic. Then he uses his teeth to rip the condom open, pushing you back so you’re resting on his pillows again, and he has room to rest on his knees. The plush bed feels more comfortable on his knees than the floor, anyway. You watch him slowly roll the condom on, sucking in a breath through his teeth as he does so.

“Alright.. I’m gonna put it in now, pretty.”

You take a deep breath in, heart hammering against your chest, and fuck— it hurts when he slowly makes his way in. He’s stretching you out so much and the stretching fucking burns. You swear something broke inside you.

“Dante— Stop,” so he stops. He pauses, only halfway in, eyebrows pinched together in worry. After another deep breath, you nod to him, so he slowly keeps going until he’s fully sheathed inside you. You’re both breathing so heavy and Dante’s leaning over you, his hair brushing against your forehead. He gently kisses you, lip quivering slightly, his breath faltering.

“Move,” you urge, and Dante begins to rock his hips against you. Your legs wrap around his wide waist, holding onto his wrists, and he uses his fists to keep himself upright.

“God— You feel so good, baby. Knew you would..” he moans, attempting to keep a steady rhythm, but his hips stutter at times, and then he’ll speed up, then slow down. But he finally finds a good pace to keep, and the pain has fully subsided, instead of pained whines slipping past your kissed swollen lips, it’s only sweet moans.

Dante carefully pushes himself up, just to watch himself move in and out of you, nearly salivating at the sight. Jesus, he’s already close, and so are you.

“I— I can’t-“ he stutters out, practically falling over you, just to kiss you again. So deeply, but so sloppy, and the movement of his hips are messy. Dante’s moving fast, moaning into your mouth, as well as swallowing all of your moans.

“Please, baby, cum with— with me,” Dante whines, and you moan loud ‘yes’s’ in response, as well as his name. Over and over. Your overwhelmed with him. All you can feel is him. How you feel so safe, so.. loved. Neither of you tell each other when you’re going to cum, but you both basically cry out together, and he pulls you into a loving kiss again, your arms wrapped around his neck.

Slowly his hips still, panting against your cheek, and you’re gasping quietly— attempting to catch your breath.

“Dante, I—“

“I love you.”

Tears form, you hadn’t been expecting him to say anything like that, so when they start to spill— he kisses them away.

“I love you too. Please.. Stay with me, Dante.”

“I’d never leave you.”

#cry cry cry #dante x reader smut #dmc x reader #devil may cry smut #dmc3 smut #devil may cry 3 smut #writing tag

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sunnyx07 · 2 years

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Hiii! I have a BSD request! Its a bot dark but its related to something that Ive been working through lately. Can you do as many bsd characters as you can reacting to their S/O getting emotional on their birtgday because they "didn't think they would make it this far"? Like they struggled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts/SH in their childhood and honestly didn't expect to make it to the age they are now? Its almost my birthday and I've been struggling with the same thing so i wanted some fluff with my favorite characters to help me through it! :) thank you so much!

Request?: yes Summery: Characters reacting on you getting emotional during your birthday Characters?: Dazai, Atsushi, Kunikida, Yosano, Chuuya, akutugawa, Fyodor and Nikolai. Genre: Angst, but mostly fluff.

A/n: Hey hey! I hope I did this on time before your birthday where ever you are- Happy birthday! I hope your doing well and got/ are getting the help you need. If anything my dms are open just for a nice talk if you ever feel lonely, and I'm proud of you of how far you've come. My dm's are open for you and anyone else in need! Anyways I hope you enjoy this fanfic

Dazai Osamu:

Obviously this man, would want you to have the best birthday of your whole entire life.

I mean, he probs didn't have any good birthdays considering his years of the mafia and how Mori had treated him over the years.

So when he knew that your birthday was coming up, he was planning it all carefully.

He got the perfect gifts, the cake, everything was done by the day it arrived.

So when you were alone with him, as he smiled at you, saying "Happy birthday belladonna!" with such a loving tone while carrying the cake (No he didn't bake it himself please don't let him in the kitchen-) You just started to cry.

He slightly panicked, cause we all know he isn't the best when it comes to human emotions.

He carefully set down the cake on the table as he hugged you, kissing on top of your head once in a while letting you cry in his chest

He carefully asks what's wrong, as you explains about your past and what you've been struggling with.

He frowned at the thought of his lover struggling so badly in life, relating to it himself. He cupped your face, and kissed your nose gently.

"I'm glad you're here, cause my birthday girl makes me the happiest man on earth."

Cue the water works again-

Atsushi Nakajima:

Sweet baby Jesus this poor baby-

He has absolutely no idea just him waking you up with breakfast on bed would automatically result into you crying badly in bed

"I-I'M SORRY! DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG-?"

He panicking please make sure to make sure he knows its not his fault.

as you explain to him what exactly happened, with you talking about your past, he can't help but get sad himself.

He loves you dearly and he doesn't want you to feel this way ever again.

He makes sure you will have the best day of your life

"let's go out! My treat!" He smiles brightly, that stupid dorky smile you absolutely adore.

Let's just say you feel extremely loved that day

Kunikida doppo:

Watch this man have your birthdays for the upcoming 10 years planned out completely-

He is a planning maniac after all😭

That's his love language though, act of service and for his partner he would gladly do so-

So he woke you up at 7 am in the morning cause of all the activities he had planned for you

"Y/n, wake up we have to leave in 15 minutes for your birthday activities."

"doppo its like 7 in the morning please-"

But after progressing the work he all did for you, going to your favourite restaurant, having everything you ever wanted ready for you, you couldn't help but cry silently with a smile while looking at him

This dude got caught of guard by your tears

You quickly had to explain that it was because of whatever was playing in the past

He looked at you with a sad look when you were done explaining

"Those times are over now dear, You've made it this far, You did it and I'm proud of you

Yosano akiko:

This absolute queen prepared everything besides her busy schedule, bless her heart-

She took you to the cafe beneath the agency, smiling gently as she let someone from the cafe bring out the cake with a small candle on it.

"Happy birthday my love" She chirped, as she had settled the gifts for you besides her.

Cue the water work from your end-

Being a doctor and all, she also took a hobby on studying people on the daily, so seeing how you reacted, she smiled gently and pulled you in a hug, letting you cry on top of her.

You told her about your past, as she listened carefully.

"Your safe and sound now Y/n, I love you"

Chuuya Nakahara:

Money money money-

he ain't scared to spoil you rotten with love on your birthday.

He cares a lot about the people he cares about and would do everything to protect them, especially the love of his life.

he took you on top of a rooftop somewhere in the city, watching the stars as he gifted you tons of gifts

Your bright smile couldn't distract him from the tears rolling down your cheeks

He cupped your face in worry, as you explained the reason why you were crying.

His face was slightly angry, not at you, but at the people who possibly could've cost this mind set.

"don't worry princess, I'll protect you with my life, now come on lets open another present."

Akutugawa ryunosuke:

He's interesting alright-

he never really had the best life, but he really wants to make you feel loved, even if he finds it hard to express it.

You don't really mind how he is, and you know how hard he tries.

So when he was done with work, and came at your doorstep with flowers in his hands, your favourite flowers, and your favourite snacks in a basket for your birthday, You began crying of happiness.

He immediately thought he did something wrong

please tell him its not him-

You explained your past and why you began crying, and he couldn't really help but feel bad for you

He set the gifts down on the table, and kissed your forehead gently

"You're fine and alive now, and thats what matters to me, You being happy and alive.

Fyodor dostoyevsky:

This man, with dazai, confuse me and interest me all at the same time-

He would not be the best with you crying, as he hardly really shows any sorts of sadness, guilt, rage, etc etc.

he does try his best though!

His reaction to you crying cause of your birthday is just to stand there, not knowing what to do-

eventually he just lets you cry and pats your head gently as you slowly start explaining why you are crying right now

He does feel bad for you, but he just pulled you closer to him as he let you rest on top of him.

"No need to worry about those days anymore Y/n, you got through them."

Nikolai Gogol:

This man was more excited than you were over your birthday-

legit jumping next to your bed to wake you up and open his gifts

and goddamn did he get a lot for you

he had prepared anything you could dream off, as he looked at you like a puppy waiting for his reward.

what he didn't expect was you to full on cry.

he quickly turned into a Serious Nikolai and pulled you in a hug.

You explained while crying about your past and reasons and he just held you even closer.

"I'll be here for you, always and forever, till death does us part."

#bsd imagines #dazai x reader #Atsushi x reader #Kunikida x reader #Yosano x reader #Chuuya x reader #akutugawa x reader #Fyodor x reader #nikolai x reader #dazai osamu #Atsushi Nakajima #Kunikida doppo #Yosano akiko #Chuuya nakahara #akutugawa ryunoske #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #nikolai gogol #bunguo stray dogs

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fairycosmos · 1 year

Note

chloe do you have any tips on 'forcing' oneself to shower? at the moment it's extremely hard for me not only bc of my depression but my foot is also in a cast bc it's broken which makes showering even more physically taxing.... just i need to shower but can't bring myself to do it 😭

hey honestly ive been thereeeeee and am often still there it's a fucking nightmare and im so sorry you're going through it as well - i know there's a lot of weird stigma and shame around these lesser discussed aspects of depression, but it is truly a massive part of the illness and not smth to internalise or shame yourself for. i've used a few different approaches when i haven't had the motivation to shower in the past - the 1st is just breaking it down into smaller chunks. wash my face, brush my teeth the first day. then slowly build up to either stepping in the shower and letting the water stream over you for 5 minutes, or even giving yourself a sponge bath/washing ur hair over the sink so you dont have to get fully undressed and exert a ton of effort and feel overwhelmed. i think this might be the best option for u with ur foot the way it is. a little is always better than nothing. i live by that TBH. sitting down in the shower also helps me massively, makes it a quite a bit less draining TBH. i also do this thing where i set an alarm for 10 minutes and just tell myself im going to clean myself as much as possible in that time, and that i can manage it because it's only 10 minutes and then i can lay back down and breathe, and that it's not this big deal my brain is building it up to be, and even if it is and even if i cry or panic or feel like shit, it's just 10 minutes. it's also super important to have the self awareness to realise this cycle you're in where neglecting your needs makes you depressed and you're depressed because you neglect your needs (at least that's part of the reason), and learning how to stop that perpetuating by doing one small task for yourself per day is one of the only ways to break out of it. i have to say every time i shower after being in a depression pit i don't regret it, and i know it's very hard to conceptualise that right now, but it's true. another thing i often try is just counting to ten and then forcing my body to move, i literally scream at myself in my own head to ignore my thoughts and just keep moving and just get the fuck in and out of the shower without making it more than what it is, i try to focus purely on my body and being in it and not on my mind - i understand that prob wont work for everyone lol. incentivising yourself is also always a good idea - tell yourself if i manage to take a shower i can watch a show i like or go to sleep or have a nice snack or practice a hobby you enjoy or whatever you like to do. i think training ur brain to see self care as a positive / neutral thing is a vital part of trying to move beyond this. anyway sorry to ramble i think that's a summary of what i usually do but if you ever want to chat more ab this or if you need a friend just give me a message! i hope you feel better soon x

#anon

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itwasthisorthemilitary · 2 months

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April 13, 2024

I knowwwww I haven't been writing 🙃

Ok Thursday night: Sughedys straightened my hair for a good 90 minutes and then knotted it up in a hair net and bandana. I was under strict instructions to not get sweaty between 10 pm Thursday night and noon on Friday. Impossible? Really enjoyed sitting there while she played with my hair. Felt like a little girl.

Yesterday was one of my favorite birthdays Ive ever had and I think it was because I went into it with such low expectations. I received an insane amount of gifts from my family. A new necklace for the party, a pair of pants, a sun hat, a new bag (all which I now have to figure out how to pack). Dena came over bright and early with my favorite coconut water and chocolates 😊 I can't explain what it was like receiving so many cards, handmade bracelets, and little trinkets from trainees who were working with whatever they had. I feel so lucky that my birthday was during PST and I got to celebrate with everyone before shipping out. Caitlin gave me a book and a postcard from New Hampshire and that made me cry. So for the morning I didn't do much of anything (couldn't get sweaty). I bought a pineapple and shared it with some people on my porch. Then. At noon it was time to get beautiful. Elianis helped me do my makeup, sughedys took my hair out of it's holdings, and I changed into my new dress. It was CRAZY putting makeup on, also it was so hot so really only eye makeup and lipstick because I was sweating so much. Yesterday afternoon felt like getting ready for prom with Audrey and Caitlin. We were singing to music, taking pictures at each of our houses, and we think the women were more excited than we were. Once we were all done we walked into the center of town for the despedida. The despedida is just a farewell party for all the volunteers and their families. Not gonna lie, having a party throw on my birthday was kinda amazing. Everyone made it such a big deal and I was looking more fancy than most. The despedida was fun, albeit bittersweet. Caitlin, Audrey, Elianis, Crisyei, and I all did the macarena in front of everyone.

After the despedida we continued the birthday festivities at my house. Liv, Sam, Audrey, Caitlin, and Carlo all came over and we played old playlists from highschool while drinking gree apple vodka out of a water bottle. The running joke is that it was actually my 17th birthday because everything in the training community feels like being in highschool again. We danced and sang and all ate cake afterwards. My mom asked if I wanted to invite more trainees and when I said no she laughed really hard. Then I called Chloe which was a MISTAKE because then I got really sad that she wasn't there too. I was sitting with these 5 people who are so amazing and two months ago I didn't know them and now I couldn't picture my life without them but it still felt like chlo was missing from the equation.

All around, an incredible birthday, I feel so loved and it was fun to dress up even if it was a little ridiculous.

Today: championship baseball game!

Audrey, Caitlin, and I all went into Chorerra with our family to watch my brother, Elian, play at the championship baseball game. Its a new stadium for the major league but for the championship game they got to play there. He was SO excited when he found out we were coming. Olivia and Sam met us there. Elian is OBSESSED with Sam so you could just see him glowing that we all showed up with his whole family. We all got super into the game...for the first 2 hours and then we were wondering why the fuck the coach hadn't put Elian in once. Elian is so good at baseball he's been asked to play on an elite team during the season, and during today's game he was not put on the field once....I asked my family and they were livid. They've had issues with the director in the past and the vibe is he's resentful of Elian and the other player who have been asked to join this elite team. Obviously I don't know the whole story but he's a child and whatever your issue is, don't take it out on him. They brutally lost the game and when we got home elian was crying because he was so embarrassed that all of us came and he didn't play. I'm still so upset about it, not that I didn't see him play, I see him play everyday, but that he was caught in the crossfire's of adults.

After the game Liv, Caitlin, Sam, Audrey and I went out for birthday margs and lemme tell you, Passion fruit margs??? They go down real smooth, especially with some extra shots. So then Audrey and I went grocery shopping...bad idea. Put me in the American grocery store while drunk, yikes. I asked Audrey if I should get the peanut butter m&M's, the sour candy, the Milano dark chocolate cookies, or the extra cheddar goldfish and she said "it was your birthday yesterday....all of them?" So that was all the convincing I needed.

Then tonight was sam's mom's birthday so I went to her party because it's our last like real night here. After some more beer and wine I ended up on top of my usual hill looking at the stars.

Not sure if you've noticed but I use some combination of Audrey, Carlo, Caitlin, Liv, and Sam in every sentence. (I miss Ahmet daily, we facetimed him for my birthday party) I'm going to be gutted and I'm one of the lucky ones, I'm keeping two out of the 5 of them. After Wednesday, guaranteed no seeing them for 3 months. It's been the craziest codependency for the last 10 weeks, followed by isolation for the next 2 years. All five of them made yesterday one of the best birthdays Ive had and I'm just going to know them for the rest of my life.

Fittingly, on my last day in the states I was up until 3 am writing a blog post. Much like I am right now on my (2nd to) last night in Los Mortales. Tomorrow is packing and saying goodbye to everyone. Pictures to follow

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inner---demons · 1 year

Text

Shame

i don’t post fics often, but ive been in the mood to write some about @mushroomminded‘s splatoon comic, and an ask made me VERY INSPIRED to write somethin about one of my characters absolutely sobbin. ty mars crying anon for giving me inspo to write him crying i hope this doesn’t disappoint too much

Mars had been pacing in a small, cold storeroom for the past 5, no.. 10 minutes? He wasn’t sure, maybe it had been an hour, he was too distracted to tell. Ira had forced him to leave the room while she was checking on Lu, and Django had been the one to shove him out of the room. Thoughts raced through his head, words echoing back at him, too much time for self reflection for his own comfort.

“Do something right for once in your life.”

He put a hand to his mouth, stopping, holding back a small noise of distress. A little whine.

“You think you survive because you’re ruthless, but it’s not true. You’re a pawn, you don’t think for yourself and I bet they love that.”

Mars closed his eyes, trying and struggling not to let tears out. The cold air nipped at him, making him shiver and shake more than he already was. Peachy was right; he was a pawn. He clenched his fists, gritting his fangs, how long had he been letting himself be taken advantage of?

..Ever since he abandoned Lu?

“That’s torture, Mars.. and you just let it happen?”

A sob escaped from his mouth as he leaned against the wall, he didn’t even realize that he had begun leaning against it, pressing his head against the side of a shelf in the corner. Hot tears began streaming down his cheeks, knees buckling, beginning to curl in on himself and covering his face. He couldn’t be crying like this, he couldn’t.

Before he knew it, he had begun wailing. Weeping like a child would, like Lu did when he-

He shoved a palm over his mouth. The sobs wouldn’t stop. Biting down on a fist to try to silence himself, fangs pressing against his skin. He didn’t notice the stinging or the ink beginning to leak out of the small wounds made by the sheer force he was using to bite down until it had begun bleeding, an old habit of his to silence his crying ever since he had left the Wetlands. At least it helped silence his cries a little bit, hoping that the action would distract his brain, and that was all he cared about.

He continued to tremble, turning around so that his back was against the wall, beginning to slooowly slide down onto the floor. He held his hands out, looking at the tears dripping onto his palms. Vision growing blurry from the tears.

“Ghh.. I-I just.. did what it took.. Gah…” He quietly repeated to himself, voice trembling. Completely failing at using his usual excuse to comfort himself whenever memories like this had begun bothering him. Couldn’t make himself feel better. His fault, everything that happened to his sister was his fault. And he knew it. He couldn’t make excuses for it anymore. What a piece of shit he was.

Lu starving, him not getting help for her any earlier.. It's all his fault. Him almost killing Lu when she was a baby. It was a memory that used to reduce him to tears when he escaped the Wetlands every time he remembered it. He began gasping for breath in-between increasingly loud sobs, choking. Clutching at his chest. Feeling a heavy weight on himself.

“... You’re a monster.”

Remembering Lu’s words again only made him snivel even more, beginning to curl up even more, hugging his knees. He needed to stand back up, but couldn’t bring himself to.

Too weak, too weak to survive in the world if he let himself continue being this emotional. Too weak to be an agent, but.. That didn’t matter anyway, he wasn’t an agent anymore. Mars didn’t even know what he was anymore, what he could be. Too far gone to be a good person, he thought to himself.

He wanted to stop crying. He needed to. And if not, he-

A knock at the door. It opened.

“.. Hey, you in here?” Peachy called out, peeking in, surveying the room. The amount of empty shelves told her that it was abandoned, she couldn’t see her brother. She - and everybody else, she guessed - had heard the sobbing. Django didn’t want her to go, but she eventually convinced him to help her limp over to check.

“Yeah, y-yeah, I’m.. I’m in here.” She squinted, looking around, “Where? There’s a ton of shelves. You hiding behind one?”

“Are you okay..?” His voice quavered. A muffled sniffle was audible. He sounded pitiful. Peachy could hear him taking a few deep breaths, could hear a few sighs.

There was no doubting it, he had been crying. Well, clearly, but the shakiness in his voice made it even more obvious. Rustling in the corner of the room behind a shelf made her look in that direction, seeing Mars stand up and look back at her. He was holding onto the shelf to steady himself, although he was shaky.

“Lu, are you okay?” He repeated quietly. He had barely made any effort to wipe away some of his tears.

“.. No. I’m not okay.”

#splatoon #peachy #mars #my writing

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lovelylovelyartist · 1 year

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This will come out a little rambly, so I'm sorry ahead of time, but I had some thoughts and I just want to get it out.

I was 13 when I first started adhd drugs. At that time I was a depressed kid, who didn't know where she belonged or why she was so awkward and weird. She didn't know about bisexuality, and it'd be almost 10 years until she met other people that didn't feel like a guy or a girl, and that she was they, not she. She also didn't know that OTHER people had trouble keeping schedules, doing their homework, staying still in classes, doing chores at home, breaking focus when something really had her attention. She'd been told by teachers and parents most of her life that it was a moral failing, that "I forgot isn't an excuse, because if you really cared about it you'd remember." (if you ever want to see an adult Max cry, here's how).

That depressed kid tried Riddalin.

And Hated it. With every fiber of their being.

It made me feel slowed down. It made me feel like a muted version of myself. It made me feel like I could be shuffled to the back of the classroom, and I'd be a good little kid that can put up and shut up now. It made me feel less in general. I was lucky enough to have a mom that let me drop it, despite her saying in retrospect that I was doing well in school and at home.

Fast forward about 10 years. I'm in my early twenties. I've realized a lot of things about myself, and have a better picture of who i want to be. I've started seeing a psychologist, who pegs me for ADHD the second I've walked in (20 minutes late, crying because I'm so ashamed, fidgeting up a storm). Over the next couple months we go through rigmarole getting a proper diagnosis, preparing a case file, etc, so that I might try medication again. I'm leery, because of last time, but I do.

And pretty much the first time I take it, it feels like putting on clean glasses after having blurry vision for my whole life.

It's the same medication, more or less. It's on a person 10 years older, who now actually WANTS to exist (Most of the time), and whose symptoms and presentation has changed so they WANT the chatter and unending racing thoughts to calm the hell down, and whose gone through hormonal and mental changes that 13 year old Max hadn't yet. But this time, something feels different.

There's more to this story, about how fucking awful I felt and how I had the question of "How the hell did I LIVE like this before?!" when I could no longer get medication due to supply order issues, but this feels too long as it is. Long story short, doc changed medications around so we have a temporary solution while the supply chain evens out, and now that I have medication again, it's the same goddamn feeling. I feel like I'm driving in the drivers seat, not trying to drive from the back seat. I can do stuff I want to do again. I don't feel like I'm going to crash my car.

What Ive taken forever to actually say is not everything will work for you at every point in your life. Bodies change. Brains change. Hormones change. Sometimes what didn't work for you in the past might work for you now that youre in a different place and time and body. Sometimes, it's not a bad thing to try something again.

(Barring the stuff that yknow, actually almost killed you. don't be willing to try that again maybe)

#actually adhd #actually autistic #adhd support #adhd struggles #rambling #life story #Sorry that this came out so rambling.#I'd just reblogged that other adhd post and wanted to add something like this but it didn't feel appropriate #the artist has spoken

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sporeblossom · 6 months

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so over the past year ive been working on strengthening my body awareness through therapy and trauma informed yoga and it has been a wonderful and interesting ride - but lately ive been going absolutely crazy, because the latest result has been that i've finally become aware of all the insane tension i'm carrying in my body because of trauma, and while i've suddenly gained the ability to feel it, i'm nowhere near the ability to actually like, relax. so i've barely been able to sleep, because every night when i lay down in bed, all i can think about is how i'm almost actively holding my head instead of relaxing my neck and letting it fall on to the pillow. i literally don't know how to release the muscles in my neck at all. i physically can't let my head hang. it's insane that i've walked around like this for almost 30 years lmao. anyway, then last night i was so desperate because i'd gotten about 2 hours of sleep the night before, that i finally decided to try TRE. and i read that it's not recommended to do it by yourself if you have trauma, but i felt safe enough having practiced as much trauma informed yoga as i have. and it worked!!!!! i easily found my sweet spot, and i let my body tremor for about 10 minutes. i felt completely safe and secure in the knowledge that I could stop at any time, and I had a good cathartic cry during, and afterwards i slept for 11 hours. it hasn't magically gotten rid of all the tension, but it definitely loosened some of it and helped me accept the rest. highly highly recommend, but definitely do not recommend doing it on your own if you have no experience with a physical approach to trauma work.

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daffodilfool · 8 months

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Diary Entry.

Wednesday 04-10-2023

It's spooky month

i missed the first couple days but god damnit who cares

I keep this diary for ME and MYSELF ONLY!

i had a thought this morning which i dont know how to feel about it

i find a strange comfort in knowing the last thing ill ever remember is Outer Wilds

when im 90 years old and riddled with alzheimers and dementia and i've forgotten who i am, who my friends and family are, and everything ive ever made, i will still cry when i hear the calm guitar of timber hearth and the rushing water of the geysers

theres a tumblr post i think of from time to time, while its not exactly a poem in the traditional sense i do think it would be fair to call it such

"I hate it when I can't even write a poem about something because it's too obvious. Like in the aribnb I was at I guess it used to be a kid's room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. Like that's the poem already what's the point? You get it. You get the themes. I don't have time to do it justice. Just look at it. It's on the ceiling."

[Permalink to the tumblr post]

theres a lot of stuff like this

i too have a painted over glow in the dark star in my room

well

a chunk of it

the adhesive stuck to the wall so well we couldnt get it off and the arm snapped leaving only the tip glued to the wall

i still see it through the paint sometimes and wonder if someone in the future will see it and think about it when we eventually move out of the house

fossils too

a living being from millions of years ago frozen in time, quite literally set in stone

as little as a half mandible is enough to reconstruct an entire animal and its life

the lives of those around it

here we are, millions of years later, fawning over a rock with an odd shape

we give it life

we give it personality

we study every inch of its remains all to craft a story of the unknowable world before us

part of it is pursuit of knowledge, sure

but deep down do we really ponder the past because WE want to?

or do we remember the lost souls who have slumbered within the earth for eons to keep the memory of those who are no longer with us alive

Death in life is the death of the body, yes, but so long as you've made a mark, any mark, any sign of your existance, did you ever truly die?

Outer Wilds is poetic

it drives us to find out the dreams and goals of the Nomai

and we say we do it because we want to figure out the mystery

but if it really was just that, how come i still think about Outer Wilds despite knowing everything that happened

to the Nomai

to the Hearthians

to the Owlks

I'm done with Outer Wilds

I've done everything

theres nothing more for me to learn

and yet i keep returning to the game

if for no other reason than to simply say hi to the Hearthians

and to honour the dreams of the Nomai

and to help the Prisoner move on

why is it that when i open the game i spend my first 10 minutes simply standing in the middle of the town and listen to the rushing waterfall and the soothing music

and why is it that when i hear the banjo and the crackles of the Hatchlings campfire get lit, I cry?

by the time im old

when my brain has rotted

i will be looking through everything ive ever written

everything ive ever said

ill be looking through this very diary

you wont remember me

you wont remember baba

you wont remember thyme, or ava, or nessie, or ash

you wont remember your sister, your dog, your mom or dad

you wont remember all the poems you wrote

you wont remember all the drawings you did

you wont remember all the characters you've spent so much time playing with and putting in silly situations

you wont remember the nomads

you wont remember the Janitor

but I know for a fact that whoever is taking care of you by then will put on the theme of Outer Wilds

and i know for a fact that you will remember

You'll shed a tear, and it will be the product of every piece of art you've experienced, everyone you've ever cared about, everything that has had an impact on you, molded you and changed you as a person.

In that moment, though you may not remember me, you'll know that we're still the same person.

Deep down I know you're aware that, despite everything,

I love you.

#diary #outer wilds #echoes of the eye #art #poetry #poem

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bonemass07 · 9 months

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a vent i guess. tw

lately things have gotten rough again. I've been manic for the past several few months, somewhere between 10 and 7. Ive experienced manic and depressive episodes for a long time but I've never had a manic episode last this long. In January i lost a brother of mine to suicide and took that as a lesson because i had been so suicidal in the weeks leading up to him committing. I started heavily believing in mind over matter, gaslighting myself into being happy; and don't get me wrong, it worked for a while. But i can feel myself deteriorating. like every breath makes me sink and every exhale rips out my lungs. I isolate myself into my bed unless i am at my brothers house. i cant feel anything except this sadness. i used to love so deeply and now i can barely even catch feelings, unless i shouldn't like that person by any means, cause in that case ill create scenarios in my head all day and end up catching hard feelings. There's something wrong with me and i don't know what it is. I just don't want to feel this anymore. I logicized suicide back into my life and have been abusing any substance i can get my hands on. Im starting to want to die again. Ive been going to my brothers house a lot so that i dont have to be so lost in my head every night. Last night i had to come back home and when i put my shoes on i couold feel the wave coming. i stepped outside and felt heavy. i got in my car and turned on some music and took a deep exhale. I made it 10 minutes down the road before i started crying. I havent genuinely cried in so long it feel gut wrenching. i didnt even really get to cry that night because i had to stop myself so i could keep driving. I just want the pain to stop.

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blackvail22 · 9 months

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i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

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