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dekuinthelake · 4 years

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Happy Birthday Bloodborne

Seeing as it’s the 5th year Bloodborne has graced this mess of a planet with it’s omnipotent light I figured write a little thing about how much the game means to me. I’m going to get fairly personal so if you don’t like that kinda thing feel free to skip.

The first time I beat BB I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I’d had a rather basic playthrough where I didn’t see pretty much any of the optional bosses or do any of the story. I did as Gehrman suggested and just hunted some beasts. I took a break from it for a while and didn’t return to it until my life started getting... Difficult.

My parents a year prior had gone through a rather turbulent divorce. In the wake of this, my sister and her boyfriend moved in so we could all help my dad pay for his house if only just barely. At the time we all knew even with four of us we didn’t make the type of money to help make payments and the inevitability of him loosing the house was a constant and looming stress. Worse still, my sister only agreed to move in if she was added to the mortgage, meaning she could threaten to sell on a whim, a privilege which she started using to strong arm me and my dad in to behaving a certain way. Her boyfriend was verbally abusive towards everyone, but especially condescending to her. Tension grew between all four of us, but especially between me and the boyfriend. I could ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch and catch up and she’d respond, “Let me ask my BF”. His control over her became apparent and the wedges he was intentionally drawing between her and our family was impossible to ignore.

All the while I was working a 4AM shift at a Zoo in the winter and barely getting any daylight or human contact since I had to be in bed so early to wake up for the drive. I cleaned a mile of glass in the dark every day non stop, only to have it be dirtied the moment the park opened. No matter how hard I worked to keep the park as clean as I could, even to the point of putting on dust masks to knock down spider, the higher ups weren’t happy with our companies work. As our contract was rapidly coming to an end, rumors began to circulate that we might not have it renewed if things didn’t improve. Worse still, someone had been stealing from the supply closet. Supposedly only the managers knew the code, and this sparked massive distrust in the Zoo staff towards our department to the point keys were taken away and our lives were made harder by no longer having access to vital shortcuts around the park which made getting from place to place take even longer in the miles long local.

This futility and rage sparked the most obsessive play through of a game I’ve had to date. Undeniably, these situations were hopeless and lonely, and Bloodborne is a game that understood exactly how I was feeling. The Hunt is, after all, an eternal nightmare. No matter how many beasts, kin, or humans you kill, it’s an unending loop of uncertainty and oppressive danger. The tenuous state of things in Yharnam was uncomfortably familiar. Only in the game, it was far easier to focus on the things I could control.

The weapon I wielded. The stats I chose to upgrade. Which path I wanted to explore. The fluid combat enabled more split second choices every second, helped in large part by a generous stamina bar. More so than Dark Souls, Bloodborne expects you, the player, to take charge. You either commit to an aggressive plan and kill the beasts, or you die.

When I first started, I played extremely cautiously and likewise did not have a lot of success. On new game +1, however, I began to realize that vital element. Hesitate and you die. Commit entirely and live. The more I played, the more I meditated on the very nature of what this game was communicating to me.

In my actual life, I hadn’t come out as trans yet and it was something I was viciously debating internally. Earlier that year I tried to commit suicide. I half came out in the hospital, telling the ICU nurses my name was Mike. But even in the psych ward I was terrified to speak to social workers and groups about those feelings... Being that I had 6 hours completely alone and in the dark, it gave me time to listen to a lot of media by trans people. I distinctly remember one video where a trans woman was describing what dysphoria feels like and openly sobbing. I was starting to understand the core of why I hated myself, my body, and my current situation so much.

But I was afraid. Even after the epiphany that I wanted to come out, I had a lot of doubt on if I could afford HRT, if I could commit to it, and what people would think. I worried starting T and in turn second puberty would bring back my horrible temper that I had going through it the first time. When I say I had rage problem, that’s putting it mildly. I’ve punched people before just for touching me when I was younger, and with the situation between me and my sister’s boyfriend getting more tense by the day I was rightfully concerned it might erupt in to actual physical violence.

And so... I continued to come home from being alone all to spend most of my time alone playing Bloodborne. It was a great game to keep my mind off of things because of how much focus it demands to play. Funny enough, once you get good at it, the beasts are also a great punching bag.

A lot can be said about how Blood Vials aren’t the best method of healing. Having to stop boss attempts because you need to go farm some red Estus isn’t great design. However, running around that first part of Yharnam with the beast claws just shredding through citizens like a wild animal is possibly the most cathartic thing in my life at the time. It made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and like I was in complete control. I knew exactly how to handle the big pats one by one, and eventually I got skilled enough to just run into that big mob by the tree and stop people anyway because of how good the audio queues are at letting you know when you gotta dodge. I spent hours in both this location AND Chalice Dungeons farming for Echoes and consumables to the point that controlling my character in Bloodborne feels as natural as walking.

I started beating the game faster and faster. I was on +5 difficulty and working on the DLC by myself when things escalated...

At this point, I knew staying at my dad’s house wouldn’t be possible. The verbal fights between me and my sister were getting more and more prevalent. More than that, I knew it was time to come out and I didn’t feel secure doing that in an environment that was actively hostile. The plan was to save up, move out with two friends... But moving out came far faster than I had anticipated.

A few days after my birthday, we had a family meeting. I don’t remember what sparked it, but we all sat around and voiced our complaints with each other. When it was my turn to speak, I brought up the fact my sister’s boyfriend had been intentionally isolating her on top of in general just being a jackass to her. He’d make her get things for him, call her stupid when they played games... The works. I don’t remember what he said that sparked it, but I remember the feeling... A really familiar feeling I hadn’t had in years. My pulse thundered in my neck so hard I couldn’t hear anyone over it. I started yelling incoherent shit. My sister stood in front of him because I was aggressively stepping forward. It was that temper I thought I’d knocked coming back. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, I’m absolutely sure I would have pummeled that man. I hadn’t felt that way since I strangled a kid in school to the point he nearly passed out.

It was then I knew I had to leave. By nature, I’m violent. I hate it. But the decisiveness which I’d slowly been building helped me find the courage to admit this.

I took off in my car and just hauled ass to the highway. I had a bloodborne CD I’d been playing on my way to and from work. It sounds silly, but larping I was just a hunter during those crushing morning shifts was helping me keep going. Sure it was hopeless, but I felt bad ass to keep trying. I needed to have an unbreaking will to deal with this dilemma. Having so recently made a second attempt to kill myself, I had this powerful urge that no matter what I couldn’t end up there again. So, I decided not to beat myself up about it and just accept that I had to move on and away from what little family I had left. I remember not really thinking words. I listened to Gehrman’s music on repeat with the windows rolled down going 78 miles an hour and just... Screaming. Literally screaming as loud as I could in to the night. Over and over again until it hurt just to breathe.

Even though I felt betrayed by the people I thought were closest to me there wasn’t anything I could do but endure.

Eventually I arrived my current roommate’s parent’s place where they were living at the time. I told her and her husband what happened. We went to the store for something. I got a call from my dad saying my sister was threatening to move out and apparently had yelled at him for not keeping me in line despite the fact at one point he’d physically gotten up and started yelling in my face to calm down. That was it. I asked my friend’s parents if I could move in temporarily and... That was that.

The next day we gathered up all my things. I had to leave my dogs which was possibly the most agonizing part.

But that night? I beat the orphan of Kos by myself on +5 on my computer monitor plugged in the wall and set on a box. Doing that was this weird extreme elation. It’s like I’d defeated two massively difficult, seemingly impossible tasks in one day. I’m glad I had help with the moving, though. Unlike Kos, that would have been impossible alone haha.

That weekend passed and I went back to work at the Zoo as normal. After I finished my shift, however, every employee in my company was called to a meeting. This was it. We all knew what was coming. We were to be laid off in December, giving us 3 months to find new work or apply to the company that was taking over the contract.

In the wake of this news, moral plummeted. No one really tried that hard. I was coming in high to work every day and drinking with a coworker during our shift while we tired our best to continue work. That last month I worked there was a weird drug addled haze of extreme emotions mixed with ignoring them in favor of listening to VaatiVidya lore breakdowns of Bloodborne.

I was going home and spending hours on art inspired by the general vibe of the game and my impossible to digest feelings. I’d lost my job, home, and family. I don’t know if I would have survived without both Bloodborne and my art as an outlet.

In the following months, I had gotten to New Game +7 and started recording myself trying to kill bosses without healing. Even though to this day no one watches these attempts but me, making them was frankly vital to keeping me distracted and focused on something I could control.

There was a time where I didn’t think Ludwig +1 was beatable but... Here I am two years later happily having 100% Bloodborne and beaten every boss on +7, most of them without even needing to heal.

The biggest lesson I took away from this game was persistence and decisiveness. The Souls series in general made me realize something huge that to this day has helped me fight my depression back. I’m a stubborn fuck who will grind and grind and grind until I finally achieve victory.

Fight for the progress you want to make. Things seem hopeless a lot, but you have to keep going. With effort, you can change anything you want to in your life.

Two years later, I’ve been doing HRT for 1 year and 3 months. I just had top surgery done. I’m working a job I like that’s got normal daytime hours and pays more than any work I’ve ever had with benefits. I don’t think I would have had the tenacity to stick to these things without realizing a fundamental aspect about my personality thanks to the help of Bloodborne specifically.

I can endure, learn, grow, adapt.

Thank you, Fromsoft. I hope this conveys a shred of what this dumb little game means to me. I needed Bloodborne so much when I moved out. I’m so glad it exists.

#Bloodborne #long post #personal

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dark-unimaginably-stupid-kids · 7 years

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Take the edge off- Pt1.

Figured I’d just go ahead and post this now, not finished yet, not even to the point of the “teaser” bit here but I’m heading out in a little bit and wanted to post SOMETHING.

So, without further ado, I foray back into the land of fan-fiction and feel shitty cause I’m actually trash.

I’m not ace and know very little about the concept so if you want to make any corrections to the minor portrayal here by all means please educate me. I really just wanted Keith and Pidge to have reasons to hold hands and be adorable.

This was supposed to be for Keith’s birthday but what with the assault and breakdown it kinda had to wait.

Fandom- Voltron

Pairing- Keith and Lance, possible Shiro and Allura and MAYBE Pidge and Hunk. Maybe.

Rating- Uhm. Idk yet. Gonna be super gay though for suuuuuure.

You don’t initially like the taste of it on your tongue, but you figure if he’s doing it then it’s got to be worth it, right?

It burns on the way down and you’re feeling even more inclined to stop, but you glance up at him through shy lashes and there’s that stupidly endearing smile on his lips and your heart thuds loudly in your chest and you just want to feel closer to him.

So you take another drink.

---

This morning you woke from bed planning to do just what you do every day in the castle of lions. Train, eat, train, save the universe from certain peril, try not to stare at Lance, train some more and pass out.

But somehow you’d lost track of the days.

Well, not somehow, you’d been actively avoiding considering the days for some time now. In fact, the second you got Shiro alone you were going to chew him out for even mentioning it to the others because why on earth—or anywhere else for that matter—would you want to celebrate your birthday?

You spent so many of them miserable and alone and it was just a constant reminder of your useless existence—

“It won’t be too bad Keith, I promise, you might even enjoy yourself a little,” Shiro says over breakfast while Hunk goes on about tonight’s “Party Menu.”

“I don’t want a party Hunk, I mean—thank you, really. Just. Can’t we just act like it’s any other day?” You try.

You try but Hunk just rolls his eyes at you, “Uh? No. Besides, we could all totally use the break. Just relax and enjoy it birthday boy.”

“No one gets out of being fawned over Keith, it’s your turn,” Pidge volunteers bluntly.

You spare her a scathing glance because you remember her birthday and how quickly she’d gone from, “It’s no big deal” to “I’m the birthday princess bitch!” after some choice “fawning” that you were absolutely certain was not going to work on you.

Just because she eventually got into it did not mean you would.

“It will be fun,” Allura pressed, the warmest of her smiles ebbing away at your very soul. Most days Allura’s overwhelming warmth was a welcomed intrusion into your head but today you quietly wished you’d never left your room and thus never had to look at any of them.

“Gah…!” you groan to no one in particular, vaguely resigning to your fate. The last birthday had been Lance’s and that had actually been a pretty great night spent playing games and laughing and—okay, maybe you just enjoyed the excuse to be around Lance while he was in too good of a mood to let himself get annoyed by whatever you could possibly do to annoy him.

Which was plenty, you’d been told.

Speaking of, “…Where is Lance anyway…?” you say out loud, awkwardly betraying the fact you’d been thinking of him.

Thankfully, the only one of your friends who catches the slip is Pidge who lets out a little throaty scoff and says nothing.

It’s Coran, over a mouth full of something that once resembled Hunk’s attempt at space pancakes, that answers you, “He ran off looking for the mice this morning.”

“The mice?”

Coran shrugged, “s’what he said.”

“Don’t worry about it Keith,” Pidge started after Coran’s words left you quiet and slightly confused, “I’m sure he’d never miss your party.”

None of them thought this statement was at all strange but you felt your chest cease up a bit and you really wished she’d stop.

…

It was her fault, after all, that you were so actively aware of Lance now. She’d come into your room one night, scared the artificial daylight right out of you, and went on a small very personal tirade sitting on the floor next to your bed before you could even register it was her.

“I think,” she’d said finally, “I think I’m ace.”

This woke you up and you immediately crawled off your bed to sit next to her on the floor.

“Well. That’s. uhm. Cool?”

“Is it though? I mean—I used to see people get a lot of flak for it. And I mean, just cause I’m not like… super into kissing anyone or anything doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally want someone to hold my hand or anything and like… wouldn’t my being ace… I dunno, turn people off to wanting to be like that with me? I mean. When they inevitably realize that I don’t… want…” She was so small here next to you and the doubt leaked into her voice so surprisingly easily you weren’t even really sure you were talking to the same girl you fought alien armies with.

Frankly, it bothered you tremendously, but you were not the priority that night, she was and for some reason she had come to you. So.

“Well first off you’re like fifteen and I don’t think you should even be thinking about sex,” you say, hypocritically because you’ve been thinking about it for years when you first noticed how attractive certain classmate’s lower abdomens were in the middle school locker room and how everything would get sort of fuzzy around the edges of your brain for a while after that.

But this was different because this was Pidge and in the short amount of time you’d known her you’d grown to see her as a little sister to be protected and kept far away from terrifying things like penises.

She laughed lightly and rolled her eyes but didn’t look at you.

“Secondly,” you continue, “Sex really isn’t everything. Pidge, you are brilliant and strong and kind and beautiful and someone is going to be made giddy just for the gift of holding your hand.”

“But what if they want more and I don’t—”

“Then they will respect you and not do anything or they’ll meet the business end of Voltron’s sword.”

She chuckled again.

You love that sound. Hell, you love any positive sound coming from anyone of your new family members, bonus points if you helped them make it. It made you feel like you were actually doing something right for a change.

“And third,” you reached for her hand, intertwined your fingers, and held it tightly in yours, “You can hold my hand whenever you want.”

“Yeah,” she laughed outright, a little snort at something she secretly found so funny, “Never have to worry about you wanting something from me, huh?”

Nope! Of course not because—

Wait.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You hope you sound as incredibly confused as you are rather than in any way annoyed or accusing.

“Well, cause I’m a girl, duh?”

You blink at her.

She blinks back.

“…Are you trying to tell me you’re still in the closet?” She croaked out suddenly.

Then it makes sense, why Pidge would come to you with this kind of thinking.

“Oh.” Is the only thing that comes out of your mouth.

“I-I mean I won’t out you or anything!” Pidge squeaked suddenly, probably realizing all the toes she could have been stepping on. Eventually you just shake your head.

“Ah. Well I mean. I’m not hiding it or anything I’m just. Surprised you knew? I mean, it’s not like I wear a big ol ‘gay orphan’ sign or anything.”

She flinched at your wording but you’re the one who said it so you can’t bring yourself to consider it.

Her turn to shake her head, “You actually kind of do though? Cause like- I could have sworn from the second we got all these lions together and started our great big mission to defend the universe that you were just—you know. Into Lance.”

Whoa there.

Whoa.

You’re being gay was one thing, not a new development at all, not something you actively felt the need to advertise because it was as much a part of you as your hair being black or the freckles on your shoulder. But being into Lance?

“w-where did you get a crazy idea like that?”

“The way you look at him?”

“Uhm?”

“talk to him?”

“…”

“study him”

“--!” was it getting warmer in here??

“You also get this really cute stutter sometimes.”

At this point you have to release her hand so you can cover your face.

“I-I don’t have any-any idea what you’re t-talking about.”

“That. That stutter. It’s diabetes inducing adorable and it only comes out around or about Lance. Keith come on, you can’t possibly expect…” She twisted herself to look at you head on but suddenly you can’t really think anymore.

You’re just.

Thinking about him and your heart might be beating a little faster and you are suddenly so fucking aware—

“G-god no I… I don’t…I can’t…”

Okay you’ve been in space for a little while and maybe your options on who to think about while laying alone in your bed at night may have been pretty limited and you knew it was wrong and you knew that their being your fucking comrades in arms really wasn’t going to make for acceptable ways to think about them so maybe you’d limited yourself to the one and maybe you thought it was safe because in the waking hours he was just too much of a pain for you to accept how stunning he was but then—

Then he started behaving and then his sarcasm and his jokes and his flirtatious tendencies became endearing. And he was interesting and fun and his smile could light up the room and grazing his arm while walking down the hallway together would send sparks of electricity down your skin and maybe your nights weren’t spent thinking about him aesthetically anymore but instead you were thinking about how he said your name and how is eyebrows would knit together and the sweet encouraging things he could say and—

“…I need to be ejected into space. Good bye Pidge, it was nice getting to spend this time together.” You announce, dropping your hands from your face and staring at the wall straight ahead of you.

She punches you in the shoulder, “Don’t even joke you can’t leave me here.”

You stare at her, sure that your face is conveying how distraught you are at the softening look on her face before you shout, “why the hell am I into Lance?!”

And then she grins.

You really, really wish she hadn’t.

“If it helps,” she starts slyly, “I’m pretty sure he’s into you too.”

You shove her so hard in the side she topples over, “SHUT UP. No he doesn’t. Wow. Pidge.”

Pidge rolls onto her back, holding her side and laughing like a small bespectacled hyena, “Oh my god you just did that. You should see your FACE.”

“PIDGE.”

She wipes the imaginary tears off her face and holds her hand out to you, her shoulders still shaking with her restrained giggles, “Still wanna hold my hand?”

You bite your lip, grab her hand and pull her back up to a sitting position. You don’t let go.

“You’re a jerk.”

“You love me.”

“I do.”

“Not as much as you love Lance.”

“Pidge. Please for the love of all that is holy don’t ever say those words in connection to each other ever again.”

…

It’s been a few months since then but your face still burns furiously at the stupid thing your heart decided to do to you. Pidge seemed to be doing just fine coming to terms with herself, and whenever she felt particularly affectionate she had no issues cuddling up to one of her boys, even Allura had gotten an awkward nuzzle that had surprised her but otherwise gone quite well considering Allura’s immense desire to bond with Pidge. But that was a different story altogether.

One your way out of breakfast, Shiro jogs to catch up with you.

You’re still prepared to slaughter him and grin broadly when he says he wanted to go train with you.

Yes, Shiro, let’s make it look like an accident.

Of course, you would never purposefully hurt your closest companion in the entire universe but sometimes you allowed yourself little innocent daydreams where you for once have the upper hand and he’s screaming uncle.

Especially when he starts talking.

“I actually told Allura about your birthday months ago. There really was no way to avoid it.”

“Really? Really? Call you gotta do is not say it. Why was that hard?” You growl out.

He rolls his eyes, “Nah you’re right, clearly I should have lied and said you didn’t have a birthday, you are a figment of our imagination and thus were never actually born yeah?”

He nudges your side and you roll your eyes this time, “The correct response is, ‘It’s no big deal, you don’t need that information.’ Shiro.”

Shiro wraps an arm around your shoulders and though you’re still talking he pulls you back so you’re pressed against his chest. You can hear his heart beat, steady and strong and it’s so soothing to you it almost causes you to melt into him on the spot.

Shiro is alive. Shiro’s existence is the one worth celebrating. Shiro is warm and safe and so many wonderful things.

“It is a big deal Keith, we five paladins of Voltron are defenders of the whole goddamn universe and every single one of us is so incredibly important we should stop and thank the stars in celebration that we were all born. You, most of all, the one who fought so hard and brought us all together. You deserve a happy freaking birthday, Keith.”

Your mind wanders to Allura and Coran, sure that either of them could take your place if need be, sure that it all would have gone the same without you, maybe better without your emotional wreckage self mucking everything up.

But then Shiro kisses our forehead and you breathe deep through your nose and he smells like home.

“Enjoy today, okay?” He says, lips still pressed lightly to your skin.

“Fine.”

“Hey guys, is Keith being a big ol’ grumpy pants again?” Your heart jumps into your throat and Shiro pulls up quickly but doesn’t release his hold on your shoulder.

“When isn’t he.” Shiro started with a chuckle in his throat before changing the subject, “we missed you at breakfast today, Lance.”

The blue paladin stands at his ridiculous height in his ridiculous pajamas and nods, “had some stuff to do. Hunk saved me some grub I’m sure. Right?”

Shiro laughed and you pull out of his hold, for some reason painfully aware of how that might look to someone who didn’t know how close the two of you were. Despite, you know, Lance does know how close you are. It shouldn’t be an issue but you feel the tension ease once your adopted brother’s arm is off your shoulder.

“What were you doing Lance?” You ask carelessly. Maybe a little short. Maybe a little suspicious.

“None of your business, Mullet.” Lance answers back without missing a beat before clapping Shiro on the arm, “Alright, I’ll see you guys tonight. Enjoy whatever it was you two were heading off to do yeah?”

Then he rounded the corner and was gone as quickly as he’d come.

Your heart did not recede from your throat but you don’t think Shiro noticed.

...

You retreat to your room after sparring with Shiro. He works you hard and you are desperately in need of a shower and maybe a nap. Once clean of the sweat and your muscles are starting to relax you flop yourself down onto our bed wrapped in a towel and hear the faint squeak of a mouse that had been disturbed.

It’s the little angry looking blue one that if you were honest was probably your favorite of the three.

“Hey little guy, what are you doing in here?”

It scowls a little bit but reaches up with its little hands and you see there’s a small piece of purple felt stuck to its skin. It tries to pull it off with one hand but it just gets stuck to the other as it wiggles and tries to swat it off.

Must be some really soft material you think, before offering the mouse your finger and easily removing the cloth, one calloused finger against a little prickly rat paw.

The rat beams at you, offers its thanks with a bowed head, and then bounds under the bed.

A few minutes later it returns with more stuck to it and expects you to help him again.

“…” You do, of course, but this time you decide to follow him under the bed and there you find something extremely strange.

It is, for all extents and purposes, a small stuffed hippo.

The other mice as sleeping on it, one opening its eyes every time the little angry one tries to make himself comfortable and ends up getting stuck again. He rips his and free and pulls the hippo apart a little more before realizing you’re watching.

“What do you guys have here…?” You ask finally before reaching under your bed and picking it up.

The sleepy mice get to their feet, startled at being tossed off their new bed and there’s some stuffing leaking out of the hippo’s arm were the first rat had kept trying to make itself comfortable.

The material is extremely sheer and not appropriate for being made into a stuffed animal at all, but the stitching is solid and its very clearly a hippo which brings a small smile to your face.

“Well. This is pretty cute…”

There’s a knock on your door and without waiting for a reply the person on the other side simply lets themselves in.

Its in this millisecond you remember you are only wearing a towel that is choosing just now to fall loose what with all your maneuvering to get the hippo out from under your bed.

You try to tighten the towel but only manage to pull it lose and the ridiculous shriek that breaks from Pidge’s lips as she immediately shuts the door behind her is something that will follow you for the rest of your days.

Until she says to the door and potentially those beyond the door, “NOPE. NOT TODAY. YOU SAW NOTHING.”

With your heart beating a mile a minute you cover yourself properly, put the hippo down, and turn to stare at her in absolute shock.

“…Pidge…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Pidge.”

“I’m sure he didn’t see anything.”

Your heart stops like it crashed into a wall at its breakneck speed, “W-who…!”

“He just wanted me to check your room for the mice. I’msorry.” She says the last bit without a breath and is still facing the door because she clearly doesn’t realize you’ve covered up again but that really doesn’t matter.

“Ch-check for t-th-the mice?”

Who was looking for the mice earlier.

Who was outside that door and got a flash of—

“….I need to be ejected into space.”

“Keith, no!”

…

#klance #fanfiction #put a stop to me seriously #voltron #keith #lance #fucken ridiculous

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