So I just realized that during the epilogue the narrator says that:

*one night, he (Astarion) tells you that these last six months of happy memories are the counterweight to two hundred years of misery*

This comes after saying (during certain dialogue choices) in act 3 that:

“Nothing can make up for that. Not even Cazador’s death.” (in reference to the year he was sealed in the tomb)

And I

just have a lot of feelings

about this man.

Sometimes I think about Astarion’s (10) charisma and it makes me so sad because (as a person not blessed with any sort of natural charisma whatsoever) I know how tiring and stressful it is to ‘switch on’ and play along to seem charming and make conversation with strangers in real life situations. It’s incredibly mentally draining (which in turn is physically exhausting) and Astarion has had to do this every night for 200 years. 

200 years.

Putting on a mask and turning on charm-mode with strangers a handful of times a month (along with liquid courage to help) is bad enough… but every single night for 2 centuries?

He was a magistrate and definitely had the skills to deal with people, but that doesn’t mean that he had to be pleasant to them. In fact he was likely a harsh judge (going by the screenshot from Act 3 below, as well as his sentencing of the Gur which essentially got him ‘killed’), and due to some of the things he says he was likely an asshole whilst doing the judging, and possibly an insufferable asshole at that. (For example, referring to Gur people in derogatory terms in general, how he dismisses the lives of the captured gnomes in Grymforge but held the Drow (Nere’s)  life in esteem etc.) (Also to be clear, none of his past remotely warrants what happens to him)

[Astarion: Mercy? Please - justice should be a harsh lesson. All the better to deter the next vagabond.]

With this lack of people pleasing skills I can only imagine how Cazador (or fucking Godey) would have tortured him for not being alluring enough when he’s first learning to navigate the absolute horror story of a reality he’d found himself thrown into. Cazador very likely didn’t choose him to be a spawn for his charisma, he chose Astarion for his looks alone and then proceeded to punish him for not having the personality to charm people efficiently, for not being agreeable or enchanting enough to garner a victim's trust to lure them back to the palace.

I think about how he would say the lines that he (very quickly) had to learn of what people wanted to hear over and over in his head, picturing how he should act, when to smile and laugh, where to touch a hand or arm when appropriate and ultimately how to use himself for seduction as he laid on the cold stone floors in the dirty kennel, staring at the dark ceiling, his new vampiric hunger insatiable as he was being starved, beaten, belittled. Hopeless.

And so he did learn, because his survival depended on it.

He survived for 200 years.

I think about all of this a lot.

Hey but what if Astarion takes all of Tav’s clothes and secretly embroiders sweet nothings in elvish somewhere tiny and discreet that Tav may or may not ever find…

Awake in bed in the middle of the night thinking about how there are 2 specific npcs at the beginning of Fable 2 and one says HULLO CHILDREN and another says MUCH HAPPRECIATED

and for the rest of my days I will never forget this and I will say these phrases in their voices until I slide off of this mortal coil (like the cheese has already slid off of my cracker).

My biggest festival of the year is over and it was a great success! 🙌 I’m so very tired but it was well worth it and now I’m going to have so much more time to focus on our favorite vampire murder elf ✨

Today's schedule:

Look at Astarion on tumblr. Clean House. Think about Astarion. Delete 589 junk emails. Do warm-up doodles of Astarion. Work on a fun commission that includes Astarion. Cocktails. Paint some more. Go to sleep thinking about Astarion. uwu

We really need to bring the art nouveau movement back.

I need this whimsical shit surrounding me in my everyday life.

Come on society.

Astarion’s post Raphael confession scene is so beautiful.

I will be on my deathbed, reminiscing about my life, the good, the bad — the fictional. This memory of a gremlin vampire spawn n’ my dorky Tav gazing at one another like lovesick idiots and holding hands in that shadow cursed wasteland will be at the forefront of my mind as I die.

This is a certainty. It is written.

So, awful thought time, but what if Cazador’s first command of Astarion was to fill in the grave that he had just dug himself out of?

(More under the cut bc it’s sad.)

Astarion’s horrified, dizzy, filthy, sprawled out on the ground and staring up at this dark figure seeming to tower above him. He’s realized that he now has fangs and a confusing and horrible lust for blood, he’s starving and it’s a ravenous, terrifying hunger like he’s never experienced in all of his life. Gods…he knew the deal that he made with Cazador would result in him becoming a vampire but this was all too much.

He’s bleeding the rest of his mortal blood from wounds and broken claws, spitting out dirt after busting forth from his coffin and digging through six feet of earth, and he can feel pain and adrenaline but only the faintest heart beat. He knows it should be cold outside but he can’t feel that either, at least not like he could before he had… died.

Cazador gives him that shitty speech about what Astarion, as a spawn, can and cannot do… what he must do for, well, eternity. Astarion didn’t realize any of this was part of the deal, but he was dying when he agreed to it… and the consequences of his choice was becoming more and more real and horrendous.

And then the first command he simply can’t disobey is to fill in his own grave so that no one suspects vampirism as the entire body is gone,* because Cazador can’t have people coming out searching for Astarion, that just wouldn’t do.

So this poor traumatized man has to shove dirt into this fucking hole with bleeding, shaking hands because he literally can not disobey his master’s first of countless dehumanizing orders.

(So I was going to write smut but then this came to my mind so oh well. 🥲)

*(idk if body thieving for operating theaters is a thing in this world yet but let’s pretend not lol)

I’m visiting my mom and she looks over and says ‘who are you drawing, Jesus Christ?’

Me, drawing Gale: Well, it’s Gale of Waterdeep and he’s a wizard

Mom, with a straight face: So, same.

Just thinking about Tav having Astarion as their beloved partner for life means that they’ll have custom embroidered underwear for the rest of their days and

I just think that’s beautiful.

I love when I write Astarion and Tali super gentle and cloyingly sweet with one another but then picture them getting set upon by some low level, unsuspecting bandits on the road. In no time he’s ripping out one of their throats with his teeth while Tali’s eye fucking another one with a dagger and simultaneously hurling vicious mockery at the third guy that’s trying to run away in horror, causing him to falter and get backstabbed by Astarion who’s now blood drunk and giggling like a madman.

They are both covered in blood.

They loot the bodies. They kiss.

Just two elves in love.

It’s beautiful.

So

If the epilogue that was announced is the six months later data mined thing (it mentioned reminiscing, so maybe?)- and I know this isn't going to happen but…

If it does

If some of the choices you make can lead to spawn Astarion being cured in those 6 months I will be screaming/crying/throwing up, y'all don't even know.

We'll get to see him alive. We’ll get to see his eye color. He'll get to be in the sun again.

I will be so happy.

I'll throw my computer.

Vampire glitter confetti will litter the streets.

It’s not going to happen… BUT.

I really *really* want to draw Astarion braiding Tali’s hair in some intricate elven style. Tali will be laughing/telling an animated story and Astarion will be laser focused on perfecting T’s braids, at first aggravated, but then just trying not to laugh (and failing) at the *really* funny part.

I will now add that to my neverending idea list

Sometimes I think about the time I had Shart polymorph Cazador into Sheep Vampire Lord

and it sparks joy.