#so many new pictures and videos
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I feel like I'm abandoning my original boys because my crush on Kirk Hammett has fully taken over my brain
#i'll go back to my og boys eventually#they're too pretty to stay away from forever#right now i just think it's the thrill of a new crush#so many new pictures and videos#unlike with chris or my pearl jam boys where it feels like i've seen every picture and interview there is to see
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#good grief im gettin a lil tired of seeing 'DONT DO THIS' kinda art videos#i very much understand its a youtube thing and that clickbait names and thumbs get the views and attention needed#but it doesnt mean it doesnt annoy me or that I cant be annoyed by it#sometimes i just see it in tutorial pictures too#but the large DONTS with red Xs near the supposed ''wrong'' way of drawing is so demotivating#people start and draw in many ways than one#its what makes art their own#but when videos or tutorial posts are made and show the ''WRONG'' way to go about it#its like scolding the new artist or long time artist with that style that they're doing it wrong and that its bad#no matter the intention its not the way to go about helping artists learn to draw#and in my personal opinion#the click bait ''DONT DO THIS WHEN DRAWING'' thing is what keeps me from actually watching the vids#i get theyre probably helpful but i don't like that I have to feel some NEED or DESIRE to click on a vid cause I feel like I did a thing#wrong or that i never should have done it at all#i wish i could see more 'here are some tips that helped me#kinda vids cause yes i would love to learn what helped you rather than being or feeling wronged for drawing in a way that isn't theirs#im rambling but i have been seeing a lot of 'DONT DO THIS' NEVER DO THIS' 'IF YOURE DOING THIS STOP NOW' kinda art vids#im speakin for myself here#but im an artist sifting through art youtube or spaces always willing to learn new ways of improving my art#i dont need to feel click baited like the next 3am don't this kid to learn how to improve my inking skills#if it was more a 'this is my personal preference and I wanna share it with my audience and maybe teach some things' kinda vid#id watch that too#but im just so tired of seeing art youtube going down this need to tell folks 'YOURE DOING IT ALL WRONG. THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY"
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sunset ☀️
#pictures arent doing it justice you get a video now#i am not sorry you've had to see so many of the same thing over and over again im so in love with the new build. and also sad it might die#it'll always be the colosseum To Me#this needs mc music overlaid with it but i would never be able to choose lol#shadertag#sb#video#mine
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I had a timeloop dream that feels like it should be fucking me up a lot right now mentally.
#It was. A Lot.#There were some funny bits though I remember showing Carrie an ai generated video in it that made us laugh#There was love all the way through#Anyways I experienced becoming a black hole and becoming a god or something#And I remember a part where the computer I was on (where it all started)#And I think it was a new loop#The computer asked me to take a picture and use one word to make a wish#And I just kept trying to submit the word wife because I missed Maxie...#And it wouldn't take no matter how many times I tried... It'd mirror the image so it couldn't read the word and stuff like that#The whole thing probably counts as a nightmare.#All I wanted was someone with me the entire dream. Every loop it intensified how alone I felt#Less friends could be reach. There was a point where it just kept jumping a loop every time I messaged Maxine.#And she'd get further and further away. First loop would 'oh how strange. you know so much about me'.#Then it'd be a new loop and it kept going until she was saying stuff like 'I thought I blocked you' 'Go Away' 'How do you keep finding me'#And it broke my fucking heart.
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I hate hearing about the Quiverfull movement. I hate hearing about it politically. I hate hearing about it from people who don't know anything about it. I hate hearing about it from people who only know the Duggars. I hate hearing about it from people who grew up next to it, but not in it. I hate hearing about it from women stuck in it right now. I hate hearing about it from women who were stuck in it. I hate the Quiverfull movement and I hate hearing about it.
#It got mentioned in the latest episode of Some More News and I'm so fucking upset#not by the video but just the concept cause it's with pictures of the Duggars and Im like#idk#it makes me feel weirdly hopeless#Im getting top surgery probably sometime this year if the surgeons approve me in a couple weeks#and I plan on getting a hysterectomy at some point for my endometriosis#which I know isn't a cure but it'll help#I don't plan to have kids but my family follows the Quiverfull idea#they aren't in the movement itself but they definitely follow the idea of be fruitful and multiply#I talked with my grandmother recently about my birth control implant and she joked about how if they had those back in the day#she would've stopped at 3 kids#she had 6 and says she wanted 12#at least#She stopped because another child would've killed her#and 6 children need 2 parents#but she joked about stopping at 3 then sighed and looked out distantly#and said well no I wouldn't have used it. I had to trust the lord with how many children I have#my nana is 81 years old but she is Alive and Kicking#I haven't seen her this tired since my grandfather was in the hospital#and I know she doesn't regret having her 6 kids#she loves her dozens of grands and great grands#but she's tired#and she was tired back then#I see it in my dad too. He was the oldest#He does what he needs to do then finds his little area to rest. He was parentified#he had to help raise the rest and escaped to college when he could#I'm an only child biologically. I have 6 stepsiblings. I helped take care of them at 11 years old#and the cycle continues#ex christian#religious trauma
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spontaneous dig for marble hornets gamers from this decade < ago event, i guess aptly everyone seemed pretty elusive in the limited documentation but they were ready for "sickos show up for their sick little mask purchases" it seems
#how many Official(tm) Used(tm) marble hornets masks were ever auctioned off? i would bet half or 2/3 were obtained thusly lol#marble hornets#a little pre [Quite common to have phones w/good cameras] a little pre [consistent usage of social media that's now readily findable]#iirc people were ready to pool money here....menaces!#they might've taken that picture because of the previous year's auction....when it was Just Me#& i bought the MH mask for i believe $94....the highest selling item by far; other top sellers were maybe like more around $20 or $30#and that next year (pictured) an event employee was saying they remembered me winning it the prev year b/c of the price#and my enthusiasm afterwards in apparently being visibly like [hell yes] lmfao. there weren't a ton of pics in this album of Bidders#so i'm saying like lol lmao if that was the precedent like ah classic the sickos and their mask bids; get a pic of that#think it went for something in the $70s that time#like my experience buying the proper alex kralie american eagle outfitters discontinued hoodie off ebay a couple of times lol#a better fitting one that i got for a lot less....#pounced on the first one encountered though like hardly guaranteed that you'll see another listing again#Just Like Behind The Scenes Marble Hornets where they had to delay a video for like weeks b/c they had to find a new one lol. f
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This is my new best friend
I got to pet real ones today at the aquarium so now I'm taking one home c:
#my new fluffy friend#i took So many pictures and videos that i have to sort through later#vacation posting#stingray#plushie
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goodnight i am thinking about dallon weekes <3
#THINKING ABOUT THE CONCERT IM GOING TO IN APRIL! (FIRE EMOJI) (BEING ON PC SUCKS)#OUUUGGHHHHJ IM SI HAPPY#IM GONNA GET THE BEST VIDEOS AND DALLON IS GONNA WEAR THE SILLIEST AND PRETTIEST OUTFIT#AND IM GONNA BE THERE#AND THEYRE GONNA SING AND DANCE TO SO MANY GLOOM DIVISION SONGS AND IM GONNA LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM#AND IM GONNA CHERISH THE VIDEOS WITH MY LIFE AND LULL MYSELF TO SLEEP WITH THEM AND SHARE THEM WITH YOU ALL AND ILL#DOCUMENT EVERY LIVE INSANE THOUGHT I HAVE BEFORE AND AFTER THE CONCERT AND ILL SHARE SO MANY PICTURES AND ITLL BE SO COOOOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!!!#AND MAYBE. I MIGHT PICK UP A NEW MERCH ITEM IDK...#WAAGHGHHH IM JUST SO EXCITED TO SEE DALLON AGAIN <333333333333333333333#dallon weekes#idkhow#chase said something alright
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youtube
this is not the exact one I watched but I saw one of these "dish scape" things at someone's house who actually has TV (like they pay for dish/cable instead of just watching stuff online) and I think they're meant to be relaxing atmospheric stuff that you mostly ignore, but I sat there for 35 minutes watching absolutely engrossed.. further proof that I genuinely think my brain is incapable of experiencing boredom lol..
#IT'S BECAUSE there's so many little details that like you can spend minutes just scanning every corner of the image and taking it all in and#you keep finding new things! like 'oh I didn't know that blade of grass moved!' or 'I didnt see that bucket before!'. And then on top of#so many details - some things genuinely do change. The one I saw was a Beach house scene and sometimes a bird would fly by or ONE TIME kite#came out of nowhere. a sandcastle built and unbuilt itself. there's a firepit and it comes on when the sky changes from day to afternoon!!#this is like watching a sports game to me. I need weird detail oriented friends who will sit for 20 minutes staring at a barely moving pict#ure & cheer and clap with me when a seagull flies across the screen ghgj.. THERE HE IS!!!! etc!! and there's just so much to think about!!#Like how the images are layered or animated and the choices that were made (like I think the sunrise and sunset sky background images for t#e beachouse are just the same picture flipped and recolored) and trying to predict what's going to happen next (will the lights in the hous#turn off for night time? will another bird show up??) etc! I even got up at one point to walk close to the screen and get a better view of#hese paintings that were visible through the beachhouse windows. and then thinking about building a similar home in the sims! OR ALSO THIS#WOULD BE SUCH A COOL medium I think to tell a story! Like you upload a video to youtube that is framed just as a completely average moving#screensaver ambiance type of thing. It's like 7 hours long and mostly loops the same still image. However. over time at certain points you#can see some thing happen like watching characters interact through the windows. animals or people walk across the screen. certain elements#in the environment morph or change. etc. In such a way that an entire like plot is conveyed. maybe like fantasy mystery sort of thing. I WI#SH I could do this style of art / had friends who could or had money to pay somebody to. I would LOVE to collaborate on a weird surreal#It's Just Your Average Slowly Looping Moving Screensaver Video I Promise' type story.. jjhhgHH.. Or even just making one of these set in so#me of my fantasy world environments. not as a secret thing with easter eggs that tell a story but just literally an image like this tha#moves over time and etc. HHRRGRGHhhhhGG.. ANYWay!! I had to actually turn it off not because I was bored but because it was distracting me#. which is funny since again. I think for most people it's meant to be a 'just leave it on in the background' type of thing that's bland an#neutral . But it was just making me think too much ghjgh.. This is why I can't go to amusement parks or nightclubs bars or concerts like..#a moving screensaver image is too overstimulating to my brain. Could you imagine me going to an environment just full of sensory informatio#like loud noises poeple talking flashing lights etc. etc. ? hghghb... Visiting a grocery store at a slightly busy hour is like my upper lim#it... Anyway.. everything is just so interesting to me. Even if I was locked in a room alone I would have plenty to think about & amu#se myself. I am also a hater definitely like I'm a very analytical person who is critical of society and systems & everything that exists#and even generally am just very opionated and have distinct preferences - so just because everything is INTERESTING does not mean I LIKE or#enjoy everything or never get tired of/annoyed by situations or ideas or etc. But it's more just like.. I literally dont think I could ever#be bored because of the way my brain works and also I approach life with elements of childlike whimsy and constant obsessive curiosity and#attention to detail. so as much as I am an analytical bore I also love everything and the world is fascinating at all times. lol.. duality#of man. if you get it then you get it. ANYWAY.. wanted to ramble abt it. I don't like the above video as much as the one I actually saw but#I couldn't find the beach one online.. BUt.. aaHH! best viewed whilst talking to yourself narrating/cheering! ALSO I want to make one!!!
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Vent
#im so relieved that the only way you get to percieve me is through curated pictures and videos. that youll never see me in my bad days#or in my ugly clothes#or with horrible skin waking up with a hangover#youll never see my truly bad side#and im happy for that#your empty sweet promises lets me be the prettiest version of myself to you even if im not much to write home about compared to your friends#im perfectly fine with you never learning of my bad habits#never knowing how despicable i look when i cry or how pathetic i am about horror#not knowing how my body looks without posing#not knowing how i snore or how i am messy or how i dissociate staring into space#im happy you never get to see the truly ugly parts of me#even if youve already experienced me breaking down or being extremely attached over text#youll never have to handle that irl#thank god#i love you#your fake affection lets me pretend im better than i am#your many fake promises will never come true and thus you will never be disgusted by me#you wont have the chance to see me as anything but an annoying but averagely pretty person on the internet. im scared of meeting you.#and if you for some odd reason ever end up meeting me. i think it would hurt even more because once you leave youll never come back.#id never see you again. youd be out doing something else experiencing new exciting adventures meeting new gorgeous people#and giving empty promises to other love struck idiots like me. and theyll fall for you just as much. and theyll realise how youll never stay#youre never going to change#youre never going to belong to anyone. to anywhere. youll be a free person that destroys the hearts of us bystanders that you seduce#how am i ever to love someone else when you're this great. who would ever compare. who would even begin to be on your level.#i know youre so out of my league it catches me off guard every time you give me attention.#even if the only attention you give me is sexual.#it always leads to it being sexual.#i guess thats what im being kept around for#i wonder what you feel when you think of me. if you ever tell others about me. if you ever think of me. if i matter#but i know you dont feel anything. i know. im just another friend.
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guys can i talk about that fucking guy. clap if you think i should talk about that fucking guy.
(accidental ramble in the tags. oops. don’t read if you don’t want to read a crisis.)
#yo it's d :)#you already know who that fucking guy is unless you’re new here and that’s none of you so .#i need to start asking my friends if i can talk about that guy but it’s hard honestly#he literally takes up 50 to 80 per cent of my mind on a daily basis#even when i’m not thinking about him i’m thinking of him#i’ll see something blue and be like ‘wow! yk who really likes the color blue?’ and suddenly my brain is flooded with thoughts of Him#don’t get me wrong i love him but i realize that other people don’t care about him as much as i do so i’m trying to dial it back#still. it’s hard.#especially knowing that other people know how to contain themselves and i’m just sitting here raw out in the open like this#to be honest idk how i managed to survive school because since september i’ve kinda been living in mana hell(/heaven. depending on the day)#some people say they have addictive personalities and honestly i think that’s me#my brain is addicted to him! i literally study this man’s face and mannerisms and can tell you exactly how he smiles when his expression#is otherwise neutral. i can relay unnecessary amounts of his band history to you and have watched WAY too many interviews and videos#and the worst part? i literally told myself ‘hey! you can’t get like this again’* because the last time was really bad! it was destructive!#*(about a person.) i literally cannot function sometimes for just thinking about this guy.#i rarely listen to music besides his anymore and can literally tell you characteristic features of his composing! it’s kind of embarrassing!#like i’m a music nerd but i’m not THAT big of a music nerd. i usually can’t tell you things like that. most i can do is tell you#instrumentation. but whenever i listen to something he *mightve* composed i can automatically confirm or deny.#that’s not normal !!!!!!!!#having over *2000* pictures of a person you’ve never met in your phone is not normal!#but despite me being in the goddamn TRENCHES. i love him so so so much.#he genuinely makes me so happy. seeing images/videos of him from any time period makes me go ‘!!!’ because i think he’s the coolest!#and he’s so inspiring. he’s part of the reason i took up drawing again and regained some passion for music.#thus ends my tale of woe.
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imposter syndrome is very real
especially when it isn’t 😌
#idk is it imposter syndrome?#i forgot how to check an integrating factor after finding it#i was getting mus that would have worked and not even noticing it#it was an accumulating mixture problem so there were other errors before this#it took me many youtube videos#scanning my notes and my textbook#and even sitting at my desk for like 7 hours before i realized what i was doing wrong#i definitely feel like i’m missing the larger picture and i’m not ready for real analysis and the upcoming semester#but also#at least i’m studying even if i’m doing it irregularly enough to forget stuff from 1 chapter ago#it’s better than nothing#mathblr#idk who needs to hear this#math is 90% being too spiteful to give up even when you clearly need to step away#but still i should have taken a break because i came out of my trance after solving the fucking thing#and immediately got hit with like 4 new physical problems i was repressing#take breaks#you deserve breaks
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trying to use tumblr on my ipad: a moodboard
#ft. both the app and browser versions#in other news the browser version just completely stopped working for me (it’s not loading any pictures and i cant click anything..)#*the browser version stopped working on Yet Another of my devices#i so hope it’s temporary bc using the app is still insufferable#i mean its nice to be able to see videos on my dash again#and to be able to click open the notes without the post just disappearing#(thats been A Problem especially since the notes-are-already-open-in-dashview-blog-when-clicking-a-post update bc So Many prople dont have#an actual blog page anymore) but gggod i’d still gladly take the browser over the app (no polls! ads!) anyday pleass start working again#i say#tumblr#not even pictured: ’toistuva ongelma verkkosivulla https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard’#or the way it pretends to log me out every time the page refreshes itself (which is often)
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🫣
#I should really make a new audio huh 🫣🫣🫣🫣#I swear whenever I get the house to myself I’m going to take the opportunity to do so many things#including multiple audios#I miss living with roommates and not caring if they heard lol#but since my dad is still recovering from his surgery he’s been home all the time#and I’m happy that he has time to recover cause he needs it#but man I miss my space#I miss making content#taking pictures and videos and audios#ughhhhh#ok sorry daily complaining is over#I just want to make an audio so badlyyyy#maybe I’ll bring my toys to dogsitting and make some content there lmaooooooo#shut up rosie
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do ye perchance have pics of jim you wldnt mind sharing 👀
I SURE DO
I offer you some recent shelf boys & a couple older favorites :3 he is one of the creatures ever
I’ve also drawn him a handful of times on my main- here’s a link to my favorite ft his lil frisbee
#he’s a pretty bastard boy <3#(also fun fact his name isnt actually jim) (it’s toulouse) (he just ended up with an online nickname via some typos)#further puffball knowledge: he’s 11 almost 12 and currently having a return to kitten era with the new addition of his wall shelves#shelf zoomies <3 massive win for Habitat Enrichment#idk if you have insta but I do regularly post Jim Content on stories there 👀 ofc my ipad is broken rn so that’s on pause but. hopefully soon#ill be able to do that again#i am not usually one to plug the hell app but it allows lil temporary videos which works well for cats#asks#to-junipterandmars#also bc I feel the need to say it anytime I show a picture of the corner shelf: the cardboard is not loadbearing don’t worry#he just looked at it funny & didn’t trust it until I made it look like it had brackets like all the others#anyways thank u for asking abt him I love my strange little son with all of my heart#so here is. Many Images :3
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https://www.instagram.com/p/C7jIcmJuTv2/?igsh=MWJzM2d2c2hwaTY4
instagram
#palestine#art#an artist on instagram made sketches of real photos in palestine#i have seen some of these photos but not all#i saw the first photo#the fourth photo#the fifth photo#the seventh photo#the ninth#several of the eleventh...#the thirteenth#several of the fifteenth#several of the sixteenth#many videos of it as well#when i saw these pictures i immediately knew what it was#because they are things that will stick with you forever#any image of war that i have seen has been burned into my mind#i remember seeing the first images from the holocaust back in middle school#ive never forgotten. it leaves you with a raw hollow terror.#seeing these drawings (of the photos/videos) ive seen leave me frozen with a clenched jaw#seeing the drawings of the photos i havent seen leave me light headed and grateful i havent#i can imagine it well enough with the vivid images my brain can depict#i avoid the news at all costs so i dont lose my mind (because a lot of situations put me in current events > my life)#i have been avoiding it since 2017/2018. but incidents i couldnt avoid were covid and 2020 and then this#it is just so constant... and it should be. there isnt a moment of rest of the people there.#not everyone can take it... i 100% get that bc i have to savor my own peace at the cost of my life#but this is so dire..... and i dont know when it will end.#and the opposing side... the people who are so tiwated up about this.. i will never ever understand.. how they just. dont get it.#Instagram
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