#that's what i have to remind myself of when the feelings of hate get really bad
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hey gigi!
42 and 56 for the headcanons 🥰
Hello georgia !! thanks for asking!! both of these were super fun and insightful prompts
42. What’s their most prized possession? (Bonus: Is there something Mickey kept from the Milkovich house after terry died?)
I don’t think either of them have sentimental objects from childhood to be honest, neither of them grew up with the opportunity to get materialistic or attached to objects. I think they both really value their wedding rings, those are number one. Mickey’s the type to find a mug he really likes in a thrift store and only use that mug and Ian might get a fancy pair of headphones for working out that he swears by, but nothing too sentimental. But experiences are more valuable for them, that’s why Mickey threw a party for their anniversary instead of giving an extravagant gift, Ian probably does the same thing by getting them a place outside of the city for the weekend.
56. How do they feel about getting old? (grey hair, feeling tired, possible having kids that point it out)
I think Ian struggles a lot with the aesthetic aspect because I imagine he had a head start in taking better care of himself in terms of staying active and eating well, but he really hates looking older. He doesn’t like wrinkles or the idea that his red hair will turn white, he spent a lot of his life being told or inferring that his looks were one of the only things he had going for himself and the idea of losing that is hard for him. I think he also sees them get older and gets frustrated that they didn’t get all the joy and liberty of youth. They were burdened with so much for so long that signs of aging just remind him that they cant have that time back
Mickey doesn’t love looking older, but he doesn’t care as much. That’s just life and he’s never really put a ton of stock into his looks anyways. But you don't get shot twice (that we know of) and get into as many fights as he has without a fair amount of chronic pain, which he struggles with a lot because it means a pain that he swallowed and ignored at the time comes back when he’s older and wiser and maybe wishes he was never put in the position to get hurt so bad.
But they both like aging together. Ian likes that he gets to rub Mickey’s back and shoulders and Mickey thinks its a bittersweet privilege to watch the red of Ian’s hair fade. Like everything in their lives, it’s a hell of a lot easier to handle side by side.
oh no i made myself sad about the passage of time :(
headcanon ask
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I know it's just because I'm a tired cranky raccoon rn but I feel like everyone hates me
#ya know that post#the self care one with the racoon?#and it gives like three scenarios of feeling like everyone hates you/feeling like you hate everyone/feeling like you hate yourself#that's what i have to remind myself of when the feelings of hate get really bad#sorry for the vent like i know in my brain it's not true but i need to expel the feeling from my body with some kind of acknowledgment and#get free of it somehow and this is it#vent#naff nuh huh
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I think my least favorite thing that happens in fandom spaces is how overly familiar people act towards you. Like whenever I get a post over 200 notes I have people making jokes in the tags that aren't like outright distressing or gross or anything but that just. idk! are jokes I would only make with people I know. Like "fuck you!" or "oh this is awful" or whatever that's done in a joking tone but it's still weird. You don't know me like that
And it's not so much a problem over here because we are so insular as a community so even if I don't know you guys by name or if we don't follow each other I still recognize the person commenting on my stuff. enough to almost certainly recognize the joking tone instantly and for that familiarity there to be warranted. we're not friends but it's like, yeah! I know this person they've been here forever. It's comfortable.
But in larger spaces that casual familiarity is gone. I've literally never interacted with you before. It's like if you overheard a conversation on the street and just walked in and started joking around with them like you knew them. it's uncomfortable!! and like yes obviously I'm looking for interactions when I post and tag things that's the whole point, so it is inherently different than say a private conversation being intruded on but djakfoofjf just don't act like you know someone you've literally never engaged with at all before.
#root talks#vent#delete later#like it's not the same feeling as when people are just telling me I'm a dumbass or a piece of shit#Like what happened when I first started posting in this neck of the woods#It's a different kind of ''oh I hate this''#And it's not just clarity of intent here that's the issue#bc even though that absolutely factors into it if I got a tag that was like ''kys /j'' from a stranger I would hate that#we don't know each other!!#Just bc ur joking doesn't mean I'm going to be cool with that joke#and again tbc this doesn't happen on this blog#it keeps happening on my main tho and it's super fucking weird!#Post gets more than 100 notes? I am going to get weird comments#The anonymity online usually results in people not really reading this as a real person receiving ur messages#which I am not the first person to point that out#and I've also had this issue especially when I was younger!#It was something I had to grow out of and a social skill I had to develop#and even now I find myself constantly reminding myself a real human person is reading and responding back to me#a person with a job and cats. who is going to get groceries tomorrow or forgot to fill their car up with gas on their way home from work#like people with huge complex lives are typing to me and reading what I say so I have to think abt what I say!#Idk I'm just thinking abt this it's been a weird time
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SORRY in advance for the long ask pleeease take your time and take care, I hope you feel better + get to have a good time at the con or hanging out with your dad :( It means the world to me that you enjoy my stuff though! It did take me a while to notice you were even following me (hence. @ing you on a post you'd already seen gdjfshld) but we got there eventually...
Definitely definitely was expecting to see more of Infinite Wealth at the summit… since the tweets mentioned character introductions but didn't specify for which game, I was under the impression we'd at least be introduced to the as-yet-unidentified voices in the trailer. Gameplay would've been HUGE to include too 😩 I guess it makes enough sense though, since it's not The Upcoming Release...
I shall bide my time. I have no idea what to expect from fall summit (as intended). But if it's going to be a seasonal thing, I figure a potential "winter summit" is the latest it could be to show us gameplay for something that's suppsed to be an early 2024 release, if not just putting out trailers or other showcases and stuff independently.
LEGIT THOUGH IT JUST MAKES IT SOUND LIKE KIRYU IS LYING TO SOUND COOL GDJSKGLDS which is also Arakawa-esque… "maybe I felt like impressing an idiot kid"… If nothing else, I feel like I'll enjoy the dynamic they're going for with those two. Specifically casting Kiryu as a "big brother" figure rather than a father figure also makes me WEEP because the only "aniki" Ichi's ever had is Jo. So it's like... from Jo to Joryu...
Also I just really like the acting choices by the mocap actor for Kiryu, I feel like we've never really seen him move that… casually? His mannerisms also 100% make him look like he's lying lol like there are multiple "tells" it's so funny
I glossed over the proposal (because I expected that to be the main topic anyway, being the only dialogue scene we got) but I completely agree with everything that's been said, basically. Reverse chick magnet for life… but I do expect there's more to it than meets the eye because summit is pretty focused on "generating buzz," so the fact it feels so out of place is probably what they were banking on.
Because like, on top of everything mentioned, Ichiban is portrayed as an entirely passive participant in the romances in 7, and IIRC for Saeko and Eri he wasn't really even fully aware they were into him. So for him to not only be the one to propose but bomb so hard a seasoned hostess (as Kiryu points out in JP)--who'd rather be groped than subjected to Weird Shit--blew up at him and there was fallout from Adachi and Nanba is a huge deviation from how he's portrayed.
It's also kind of like, to me, the translation says something a little different than what was actually being said; Ichi's emphasis wasn't really on the fact she rejected him (implying he expected her to accept + placing more importance on his own feelings vs hers), but the fact she "chewed him out" (implying he should've known better in the first place than to ask).
Of course, he's apparently planning on trying again so he is hoping she'll accept eventually, and the general tone of the interaction suggests he should've known better regardless, but both say something slightly different about his characterization in this scene to me. There's also TL weirdness with Ichi saying Kiryu seems like a good dude rather than just… him explaining that he doesn't mean anything bad by saying he doesn't seem like a ladies' man, which is a bigger mistake but less consequential, I guess.
There's also Saeko's line from the original teaser, "You say that like you're proposing," so it would seem she's already caught off guard (i.e. not taking it seriously yet) and not too thrilled with the idea (provided it's the same convo). I don't really have much to go off of, but if they are in a relationship, I can only assume either she's made it clear she doesn't want to get married or his proposal method was just That Bad, or they're not in a relationship.
In the latter case all I have to pull from is other media with characters who are somewhat like Ichi, but it made me think of times I've seen characters propose for legal or financial reasons or etc. and get Totally Owned, and I'd honestly find that a believable Ichi Situation… Ichi thinking like 50 steps ahead and not explaining himself properly and just Making Saeko More Mad… I'm just musing, though.
Yokoyama and co. were--if I heard right--being pretty cagey about whether they ARE in a relationship in the first place though, which strikes me as odd compared to RGGS' openness about Kaito's ex in the Lost Judgment DLC. So… definitely not beating the red herring allegations just yet, at any rate. Especially when said DLC involves a fake-out on a proposal lmao
Putting all that aside since we can't make any definitive statements anyway, I AM going to make the definitive statement that literally every single design in Gaiden so far is indeed drippy as hell.
such is the cruel fate of being shadowbanned on this webbed site I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream etc etc ( ╯-╰ ; ) but we did get there! and i very much do enjoy what you post :]
if there's nothing for fall summit (though i'm going to hope a lil there will be since that's what. three months from now) then there'll definitely be something for winter summit. if the idea is that there's more of a focus on gaiden since its release date is sooner, then it's fair to assume- with that logic- the winter one'll have the bulk of LAD8 news and demos. either way, im excited for both to see what both of them bring us !
ignoring the elephant in the room of the proposal thing, i also really liked the vibe of it all (and ive also been trying reeaaally hard to make a joke connecting jo and joryu since that's also a bit i enjoy) (❁´◡`❁) i did like that lowkey feel and just the casualness of the atmosphere and the slight awkward/uncomfortable-but-not-overly-offended-and-even-minorly-comedic energy from kiryu lmao. cant ever go wrong with having a scene that's there to slow everythin down a bit, and it does help set up a kind of homely/familial vibe ♪(´▽｀)
i dont need to comment any more on the proposal thing either LMAO everything ima say i been repeating for the past. X asks 😩
and with that. yeah everyone looks FIRE as hell in gaiden (EXCEPT nishitani ima be 100%.... idk the loud primary colors aren't doing it for me.... points for the nails and hair though) 😩
#long post#snap chats#laying down when youre gloomy is dangerous i passed out despite really hating naps jLAEKJ#my dad texted me today saying we wouldn't be able to hang out and i was reminded to answer this ask gjVLKJLKWEJ#needless to say im still not having the best of days. or months apparently ☠️ but moving on from all that#uhh. yeah no i think i said everything i need to say#im pushing my brain to think of anything to say im really out of it#i know if i dont do it now tho i never will cause when i shirk somethin its virtually nonexistent in my mind ajrLKjVLK#at the very least the 'ladies man' comment is definitely not. 'less consequential' if twitter is anything to say LMAO#mostly just jokes of course ik ik For Real Non Consequential but my eyes are still seeing it every other post SO.#on that note. i forgot my personal rule of not commenting on scripts OH NO#i dont understand japanese and at this point i cant trust what english translators provide and evidently the differences can be big#sooo im just gonna. eat shit i guess LMAO IDK#i already done said i have no more notes bout the proposal bit and i dont#i can just say Yeah Thats About Right when it comes to agreeing with whats been said#just feels underwhelming to only say that tho.... but theres no other way i can say it without restating#i myself just feel underwhelming as of late but thats a personal ish jALKJKLJ#in any case my dad said he'd send me pizza money as an apology or something and tbh ive been craving pizza all week anyway for some reason#even if he doesnt i might just get a small pizza for myself and then only eat a third of it cause my stomach's the size of a peanut
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#i fucking hate myself tonight#i keep trying to not beat myself up about like...having feelings#but what happened sucks#being alone sucks#and my brain isnfighting me every second I try and just exist#i keep thinking im not WORTH being in anyones life#and i know i have people who care about me my brain is just fucking broken and it doesnt want to believe them#i don't want to feel sick to my stomach anymore when instaty having feelings#I'm so scared#i want to give up i really do#i can finally pick up my new meds today so maybe sleep and those working into my system will help#i need them to so fucking bad#i keep trying to fix myself and i keep getting reminded that its not been enough no matter how much i improve#I'd give almost anything to be normal so that maybe someone could love me without the looming BPD shaped sword of damocles hanging overhead#i feel fucking stupid for even being upset about this#but whatever#sleep then breakfast then meds then just take everything minute to minute one day at a time#i can do this#i can fucking do this
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all
#purrs#i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least#experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i#is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things#being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i#get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a#horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im#haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they#may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n#never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec#reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing.#ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things#that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever#be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know#there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b#be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when#there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it#delete later#its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a#and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes#without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable#at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks
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I'M SO SLEEPY HFLKDJA
#🌙.vent#weekends r too short i barely did anything ngl but. i did spend time w my family n some friends lately so that's nice !?!#just thinking n oh my god i hate being shy so much. i tell myself so often i need to hesitate less! but#it's just so HARD. I HATE IT BCS I REALLY WNA JUST#😭😭 i can't help but feel really bad about it bcs. i really need to..#oh my mind is such a mess rn wait but i really need to hesitate less#ok that said it's 4 am n i have to wake up in less than 3 hours. i'm sleepy but. i want to.. write whatever. i need to#it's so hard for me to bring myself to sleep until i've. written. something#writing to my friend writing to myself writing for school i don't care i really just need to write something before i sleep#this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep#it's so. tbf it is like 4 am rn my mind is so messy#i opened up a bit to one of my online friends of my.. anxiety of like drifting apart or being distant n all#n their words reminded me of some stuff that made me reflect a bit n#i know w like. a lot of my friends i don't have to be so nervous about anything at all n i#i'm about to cry rn i blame it on the lack of sleep n the sleepiness i have rn :<#it's just such a touchy subject for me i always get very emotional when i think or reflect on what i mean to others....?#it's a really really touchy subject for me bcs it just. reminds me that i'm. actually alive n human too yk? that. this is. real i think#i'm crying this is so dumb#it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know#how is it like to have /me/ in your life?? in whatever way?? it just feels so unreal to me n that. probably stems from a certain#loneliness that i've grown to be used to. n then it's the root of my hesitation i Think#it's just.. rlly so hard at times to. idk i can't help but unintentionally restrain myself w others n there's just often this barrier#i hate it i'm so afraid to be hurt in any way again that even though i rlly wish this fear wasn't there it's just engraved in me#n so i wonder at times. the person others know me as. is it rlly me or just the parts they want to see. an image of me?#i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish'#i know better but it's so hard to just break out of it n i feel like a burden so often.i hate it so much i feel like i'm rarely ever enough#& i 'have' to be just enough; not too much or too little. i have. fears of what wld happen if i really be myself if i wasn't shy n all..?#n then i rlly can be too harsh on myself at times. to do things right n properly. but life is imperfect the world is imperfect n it's ok if#if i'm not too right? if i can love others unconditionally then.. surely surely i'm not exempt from that? surely i'm human too?#yk what. i'll be fine when i wake up i think i'll go sleep n do the rest tomorrow. it's been.. a month now hasn't it? 28th huh
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oh boy i think i've given myself an existential crisis
#thing is i know that i could be doing better#my routines fell apart last term when i got stressed and had my period#and i haven't been able to put myself back together#and i know what i should be doing to feel better#but i just...can't#i was hoping that these holidays i would be able to get my shit back together#but i've been sick like all holidays#and i've played genshin#at least i finished babel#i love the holidays because i can do whatever#but sometimes i fucking hate the holidays because it reminds me that i don't have much going on#like i don't have a house and i don't have a partner and i don't have kids#so i just revert to my grimy self#idk sometimes i feel like i don't know who i am anymore#ik i'll have uni next year but i just lfkwjendew#i still feel directionless rn#fuck the idea that i was going to teach my y11s in y12 next year was really the thing getting me through huh#dnt rblg#personal#whatever we got a new tv bc the old one broke#and i might go and watch something#or actually i'll eat and then start nona#edit: i know that part of these feelings is bc of my perioddd fwkejne
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#annoying tw 🥵🍉🍇🌊🌊😈 and if you reblog this i'm gonna snipe your fucking left eye with safety scissors 🥺💖#remind me to never feel interested or get invested in wanting to know anyone. that's always where the problem starts. every fucking time.😐#love has always been the mistaken excuse i keep damaging my mental health over. it's like a fucking festering toxicity.#wanting to be loving is the fucking problem. thinking of how to be more loving is the fucking problem.#being loving is the fucking problem. even just seeing love is the fucking problem. love is what is worst for me.#it's soooooooo fucking stupid. so sooo soooooo stupid. sooo soooooo sooooooooooo fucking stupid.#i'm trying to mold myself into being a more loving person when obviously it's the most monumental fucking idiocy spewing shite.#love may simply be the answer for the world but for me it's the problem. fucking distractingly pathetic lie.#it's actually quite the hilarity. i just genuinely hate love as a concept. just look at what it has done to me.#realistically i keep thinking about my soulmate because i idealize that they won't reject who i am like everyone else.#and i keep leeching on to it because having just one connection...would hypothetically fix me. but deep down i know it won't.#nothing will at this point. i'm just wrong. as a person. as a thought. as an existence. i regret not offing myself when i was younger.#you know scrolling through my blog last night and this morning has been really disgusting. sex disgusts me. love disgusts me.#how i've been acting lately....it disgusts me. love is not who i am. it's not what is best for me.#the quicker i accept it for what it is the better i'll feel. hm. cringecore posting is kinda fun actually. anyways bye. 😐#if you see me posting about love i'm just keeping up the bit and the aesthetic of it all.#i seriously fucking hate love and believe the gross hold it holds over me will be the death of me.#ok bye. for real this time.😐#suicide mention..=#i guess. don't fucking read this anyway. 😐 i come on here to talk to myself if you read it i'll fucking step on your pinky toe. 😐👿#anlg0107
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Not to pretend I'm no longer losin my damn mind or anythin but it does make me feel kinda sick now. Thinkin bout the way I was this close to convincing myself I'm (still) in love w/ him
#i mean i don't know if it's totally on me but. he didn't say anythin about it this time#or make me say anything#he's just been.....so totally fucking different i forgot what he's really like#i always do that shit happens n i feel fucking awful for a day or two n then it's just gone#i've like....compartmentalized him into two different people n they don't even match his subsystem#it's the real him the one that he always seems to regress back into. the one who hates me n fucks w/ my head for sport apparently#who treats me like a toy n makes me do things he knows i fucking hate n calls me every degrading thing he can think of#but i just. forget all of that when he gets like this. i know it's just pretend at least i tell myself i know that but#it's fucking hard to even wanna remember when he takes care of me like he said he would. he makes the thoughts go away n my head go quiet#he doesn't push anythin i don't wanna do n tells me i'm pretty n that i don't need to change anything n that it's not my fault i'm sick#praises me for eating cause he knows how hard it is for me n reminds me to take my meds n i just. how am i supposed to fight that#i know it's all pretend but it's all i ever fucking wanted#i can't function in this reality#i tried so damn hard n it just. it all falls apart anyway#i'm not built for this i need too much n have too little to give n i can't even fucking communicate in a way people understand#right now i don't wanna see him n it scares me knowing how easy it's for him to just. make me give myself up completely#but at least i don't delude myself into thinkin it won't happen again#believing that never made it easier to resist it just made the shame worse#i'm already ashamed enough all the time#i'm really scared i do still love him though#he's gonna fucking break me#spdrvent
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Meh.
#too uppity rn#have a dull headache#my hair is tied up too tight too which isnt helping#but i did this to myself#i should have paid better attention#not been so quick to go through everything#bc now im left with a feeling i cant get rid of in the way id most prefer#bc it would be the quickest way to undo this feeling#but i was careless as usual#kinda hate how much this feeling is reminding me of when i was having really bad anxiety everyday#i couldnt even function#i guess that does actually relate to my reality now huh#just a different kind of inability to function is occurring now#i hate myself#the moments i start to feel better are also the moments i feel shame and guilt and sadness for all that happened that led me here#and the times i still continue to choose this instead of doing what would benefit me now& in the future plus my mom and her future#i hate being like this and knowing i cant really feel that emotion as deeply as i would if i didnt make myself numb to it all 24/7#i dont want to be like this forever i dont think#but i cant see any other way either#and thats completely on me and no one else#its my extreme hatred for everything about myself that completely effects the way i walk through the world and my views on it all#i wish i were a better person for my mom i just dont think i ever was in the way she says i was#idk i really fucking hate thinking#especially at this time of night#always alone with my thoughts and memories never letting me forget the things i wish would go away#and always forgetting the things i really wish i could remember and hold on to#uh oh i think i might cry#well fuck that was not the intended outcome of this at all#thoughts#personal
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everythings fine except the curtains are on fire and oh fuck the house is on fire but its not just the house its me too and im sitting in the kitchen on a chair on fire and. I . Am not having a good time. Holy fuck i havent been having a good time for like two hours
#cybers vent territory#yeah…#ignore this its like 12 am here but#oh my GOD im not okay right now#like i feel so gross#i took a bath earlier too im not even actually dirty i just feel… eurgh#ive felt like this for a few hours and have been trying to ignore it but it just sucks#and i hate it cause. i dont wanna feel like this#i hate feeling weird and gross I NEVER. feel weird and gross#but i do right now because i just got reminded and.. ugh#i keep reminding myself and being dumb#so its like essentially my fault im just. eurgh im a mess#it does not help i feel SO uncomfortable and im not even doing anything im just sitting here#uggh… i dont like it..#maybe its all my emotions i wasnt feeling spilling out at night or something.. idk…#all i know is i am. feeling gross. and i hate it.#i literally dont know what to do to stop feeling this way..#but ill be fine.. probably#oh boy! i sure do hope i learn how to balance my own needs! pukes everywhere#BUT THATS THE THING i know.. how to.. i think.. im just. dumb#like i know when to take alone time. but im also a dumbass#i could be spoonfed warnings and still walk through cause i wanna be nice and wanna be curious and just. make myself upset#like right now#like im upset. not upset like mad but. uncomfortable. nauseous. because im being Stewpit#does that make sense???#i donr know#i dont really care actually its very late#ill probably delete this at some point#who knows#anyway im back to pokemon or. sleep. i donr know what ill be doing.. just trying to get less ‘i want die’ feeling
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#tag talk#got yet another “you should turn your hobbies into a business!” pitch today#like. sir I get that you think I'm really cool for making my own earrings yeah I'm super cool but still#I do not enjoy making things for other people. I enjoy making things for me. I've tried making things for other people#it's always disappointing for me. they love it. sure. but I always hate what I make. I make art for one person and it's me#I would never sell my crafts because I do not make things I don't want. I make things that are hyper specific to my tastes#I've been asked to recreate things I've made and the spark just isn't there. it's never even close to as good as the first one#I cannot motivate myself to make crafts for other people. I'll teach people how to do the thing. but I can't push myself to make it fo them#anyway would it be cool to have some extra money? sure. is it feasible to expect myself to be able to keep any kind of stock available? no#my art skill is “yeah I got possessed by my muse and churned this out overnight instead of sleeping and now I have it”#but I have to learn to not make things when I feel like I have to. I always hate the outcome.#I just wait until the mood takes me and then I create something that has life in it. I put myself into it and everyone can see that.#I get compliments because they're uniquely me. I can't recreate that on command. it either happens or not#plus I do not want to even think about setting up a new social media account and worrying about timing my work and tracking materials#just... no. I will continue to make things for me because it makes me happy. I do not wish to sell my crafts.#if it's a good craft it's a spark of inspiration. a piece of myself that I keep to remind me of who I am when I forget#anyway. I don't want to turn my hobbies into a side hustle
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I FEEL BETTER AGAIN HSJFJDJS
#some ppl reminded me again#ppl on tumblr literally have no obligation whatsoever to say anything so i rlly do try to take your words to heart aaaa#then ffxiv!! back on twintania bcs two more friends got married#saw some ppl again that i haven't seen in months ! our fc lead 🥺#i'm a bit lost n confused tho abt what my irls mean to me uh#bcs i've been feeling. distant lately?#w ppl in general i've been feeling distant but#it hits diff w ppl i'm closer w#like i still care for them but#i always just wonder what i mean to ppl. what they think of me#bcs the way our minds n thoughts n emotions work n differ is smth i want to know n understand properly#i hate ignorance. it makes me ask too much questions#n being alone makes it too easy to drown in that darkness#n then i just lose myself in that oblivion. abyss. ocean#but it's so difficult to deal with bcs#i have a lot of contradicting thoughts?#n then when it gets overwhelming i want to hide#but in the end i just want to be who i am in a certain moment. that broken beauty of realness#always remembering the back and moving onwards towards the present#sighh i really just want to understand :') others n the universe n myself#so i'll write. i won't keep all these words to myself. i'll share what i can#n i'll hide some of these words for as long as it takes. maybe someday someone would read them from my eyes and wish to make them reality#n i'll write to myself for myself. every story i've ever dreamed of. every word and musing that crosses my thoughts#my mind's another world on its own. so i'll live in it. i'll embrace and learn it#n maybe that one wish in the deepest depths of my heart#someday someday maybe i'll find someone just like me#n maybe together we can make our stories come true. make our own in our own little real ways#this world's lonely. but i'll rise above it like i always have /#or i'll swim through the rivers of tartarus. whichever way it may be i'll#make it through. :') but i can't help but feel like a part of me's been lost forever. not my loss though. it's not like /they/ care anyways
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i think this might be the worst i've felt mentally since the pandemic, and it's all because of having to start that stupid job which i NEED to be able to afford to keep going to uni
#i've only done four shifts and i'm already feeling so burnt out and miserable#i hate this! and every single other job that's easy to get involves just as much having to talk to people#and i just don't think i can do it. CONSTANTLY being around people and being seen and having to work hard and make myself useful and not#being able to sit down or be alone for an entire day several times a week#and it makes me miserable when coworkers banter with each other but only talk to me when necessary because i'm no good at making#conversation with them. it feels shitty to be treated that way but it's ALWAYS what people do when it comes to me#and now there'll be less and less non-talking-to-people jobs because of stupid AIs. a decade ago i could have got a job doing stuff like#translation or subtitles or something but now they've got bloody robots who just do all that and all that's left is jobs that are designed#for neurotypical people and it all just sucks and i don't want to do this but i don't know what there is that i CAN do for the rest of my#life that will actually ever make me happy and that won't drain me#i mean if i can't handle a part time job let alone a full time one then what even is there for me??#emma vents#ugh i'm trying to remind myself that it's 1am and i might feel better in the morning. but honestly i don't know if i will#and the thing is that if i CAN'T handle this job then i really don't know what i can do. because there aren't any other options apart from#to go to work. there's literally no escape and it sucks
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