Sorry I'm not low empathy autistic in the "mysterious loner boy who secretly cares about his friends and talks in a monotone voice" way and I'm actually just completely indifferent to the suffering of people I don't know personally and help strangers out of a sense of "this is the right thing to do" and not "I feel so bad for this person" or guilt.

I sit and listen to my friends even though I don't really care about hearing about their problems because I know they'll be upset if I don't, and despite the fact I honestly can't genuinely care about the issue itself, I care about the impact it's having on my friends and that's enough to make me want to help them through it.

Did you know that's actually an expression of empathy all of its own?

It will absolutely happen again I literally am not even sorry

So I just read your HCs, and I love how you characterized Ami as having autism. She was always my favorite character-- we even share a birthday-- and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who sees her as being on the autism spectrum.

I'm also not ashamed to admit that I teared up a little reading what happened to Luna. I love the relationship Ami and Luna have, both in the actual show and in your headcanon.

Thank you so much!!

I love that more people are open to the autistic Ami hc now. It was always a bit of a no brainer to me, but I understand why some people pushed the idea away.

That said I love her. I've mentioned before that even back a year ago Ami was prob my 4th or 5th fav, but getting to draw her and write her more and more (and a bit of Makoami magic lol) she has srly grown on me. She's still not my fav, Mako my beloved, but she has a serious soft spot in my heart, I go back to her a lot for comfort.

So I'm always so super happy when people tell me they like my characterization of Ami.💙

Her and Luna's relationship is something I srly wanna explore more.

I see Ami as an outcast, but not really cause her peers actively dislike her, but cause Ami has chosen to distance herself from them, deciding to focus on her studies and academics instead.

This lack of interaction with people her own age has made it difficult for her to relate with them, being actually much easier to interact with people older than her (since that level of informality is never broken and that's where Ami is at her most comfortable).

I see Luna as a middle-aged woman at least and for her, connecting with Ami was easy since the beginning, even if it took her a bit for Ami to warm up to the idea of this 'new reality'. Ami does not want to do this. She said it to Luna since the beginning, initially refusing to aid her and turning her back on Luna's offer to become a senshi.

Though Luna stuck around, not only cause this is her mission, but also because she saw a loneliness within Ami (despite Luna's mission being JUST to reawaken the senshi, she couldn't overcome her maternal instincts). Ami is initially perplexed by this, but slowly starts to warm up to Luna, enjoying her company, her talks, her advice, her compliments, affirmations..

I can see a conflict within Luna at this point, coming to care about this girl, but feeling extremely guilty about her behavior, being very easy to be read as, well, grooming, for a lack of a better term. Tho Luna genuinely cares.

I think multiple factors influenced Ami to finally try being a senshi a go. Seeing someone being attacked by monster (which had Ami initially just simply ran away from it, Ami's but a simple human, powers or not, she's scared), an odd sense of responsibility put on her (Ami being an extreme people pleaser, if an authority entaskes her with something, she feels a sense of duty and drive to make the person proud), but ultimately I think the major factor was Luna.

Luna is the primary reason Ami became a senshi (refresher to the join order of the girls in my AU: Ami awakens first with Luna, then Rei joins, then Usagi). It's not easy, in fact it puts a severe strain on her, both physically and mentally, but Ami pushes through, for Luna. Eventually made easier (and harder in some ways) by the avdent of Rei joining the team.

Loosing Luna is something that will keep resonating withAmi throughout the series. It's like loosing a second mother, especially since Saeko has been fairly absent through her life (though Saeko will be more present, suspecting something is up with her daughter and she will genuinely try to "mother", Saeko is a disaster, in many ways more than Ami herself).

She will start asking herself why she is even doing this anymore, since Luna's not here, who is she even fighting for anymore? It's a very selfish question, she's aware, but I think it's a form of coping from her part.

Despite asking such a question constantly, she never makes to leave, she would never, she knows she can't, cause she cares too much about her friends. She knows she's now fighting for them too, but this would be the first time such thought would be a conscious reflection in her mind, having had Luna be such a central staple on her mind for so long.

Unknowingly, Luna had eased her among loving peers. It was never all easy, they had fights and they will have more, but Ami finally belongs. It's a bitter sweet feeling for her.

Ami loves her team.

At this point, she cares so much about Usagi, being the first to show her how to "friend". Starting as just an odd aloof girl that joined her team, to seeing her as a girl who always strives to make others happy. Bringing cheerfulness into team since the very first day, something that Ami became so accustomed to, she would never realize how much she would miss it til having to go back to an empty apartment, color seeming to drain along the walls in the lack of her presence. A simple genuine smile, something that seems so simple, yet so rare, Ami cherishes it so dearly.

And Rei.. Rei's complicated, she likes to make herself as such. Ever since the beginning, Rei seemed cold, refusing Luna's offer like Ami had done prior. Though this time, Luna just seemed to run in a wall every time she went to the temple. Talks, explanations, pleads, bargains, nothing seemed to work.

"I can talk to her if you'd like"

She really didn't want to, but for Luna, she will. The talk went as well as you expected it, an incredibly frustrated Rei trying to deal with recent accusations of her temple attracting mysterious attacks on students. Despite that, Rei didn't try to physically ward off Ami like she did with Luna many times (Luna is still pretty scared of that broom).

"Did that dumb cat send you? Listen, I have a job to do here, so you either get to the point or you get out of my way."

...

"So?"

"My name is Ami, Ami Mizuno" offering her hand to Rei to shake.

...

*Sigh*, Rei unashamedly pinching her nose in frustration. "If I shake your hand will you tell that dumb cat to-"

"Luna"

"What?"

"Her name is Luna"

"Yes! I know her name! She's been harrassing me in my own house for the last 2 weeks! Alright, listen. I don't know what kind of program you guys are a part of and I have no interest to know, but let me put this into clear terms so that maybe an actual 'person' might understand this better than a stupid cat. NO! Now scram, I'm busy!"

.. "..." "ok" bowing and turning to leave.

That night, something akin to guilt seemed to boil within a restless Rei Hino. She knew it wasn't due to how she confronted the girl, she had all rights to be angry! Tho a seemingly related vision of the girl with blue hair, lying perfectly still in a pool of what seemed to be her own blood stuck with her.

Rei will tell herself that she joined the team to get Luna to stop harrassing her and that the team NEEDS her. Like, come on, how is such a team meant to go on without the grandiose Rei Hino leading them to victory?! Earth would have no shot. HA!

Rei would never admit part of the reason she did join, was Ami, seeing the girl get hurt, or possibly killed, haunted her. She blamed Luna for this. Ami should've never been a part of this. Ami's weaker, almost fragile combat figure seemed like a cruel joke to Rei. Seeing the girl even shivering from her powers (Ami's not immune to her own powers), the small girl curled up into a ball in a desperate attempt to keep herself warm in a relatively cool night. With a loud sigh and exaggerated movements, Mars made to cup Mercury's hands.

Ami, being obviously perplexed and put off by this, but almost too weak to pull back, finding comfort in her companion's warmth after having to endure numerous and stressful post-fight recory sessions with nothing but the comfort of helpless Luna offering her kind words of encouragement.

It would take a while for both Ami and Rei to fully come to terms to the idea that they were 'friends'. When the newly recruited Usagi asked, Ami had no answer ready, which is extremely unusual of her. 'Friends? Are me and Rei friends? We're companions, teammates, we never really hang out outside of missions or just studying silently at the temple', though Ami enjoyed her presence. Except when Rei was needlessly rude to Luna, Ami enjoyed being around her. It didn't feel quite as lonely, even if they never openly spoke about their lives, hobbies, families... 'I guess we're not friends'.

Ami hated being so logical at times, but she couldn't help it.

Throughout the season and into season 2, this relationship between the two grew stronger, especially due to the 'Usagi' phenomenon LOL. Making it so effortless to bridge the two into more intimate moments outside of uniform. A mission to check on an amusement park became a fond memory for Ami. A picture taken of the 3, looking so much like the pictures she'd see of her school piers sharing among each other of their 'hangouts'. Funny how that worked.

Rei and Ami's friendship would def have its highs and lows, mostly stemming from Luna and how differently each girl would see her. Ami being very capable of holding a grudge toward Rei's treatment of her. All of it reaching a terrible boiling point at the moment of Luna's death and discovering about Rei vision. Again, Ami was absolutely blinded by rage and grief. She loved Rei. Rei's no murderer, but she let her primal emotions take over and with the events of season 2 after that, the two never got a moment to grief or a moment to reconcile. Rei still holding a massive grudge toward Ami, refusing to even speak to her outside of sailor business, while Ami is eaten by grief and guilt.

Mako being her main source of comfort at this point (Usagi tries, but she also has her own demons to fight still). The previously mostly unknown, if nice, tall girl that joined her team late, seeming to take steps to take care of a broken Ami, offering support, food, and and a shoulder to cry on.

Luna's influence will be felt by the team and not forgotten. Ami especially will carry her momery forever.

Idek why I wrote ell this LOL. I feel inspired at times , srry 😅.

Thank you for the ask <3.

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

Hiraeth Chapter 22: Proposition

Masterlist can be found Here!

Chapter Twenty-Two: Proposition

Note: This entire chapter feels like a shitpost, and I love it. Also, dear god have I been busy working on things for a physical release of the fic! You’ll hear more about that next week on Wednesday, but if you are interested in beta reading, I have left a form below. Doing it myself is tricky, and there is a free copy in it for you bound in your choice of type (hardback, paperback, hardback with a paper cover, etc) and you will receive credit because I’m not a monster XD. 

I think I want to do it as a charity thing, so suggest charities the proceeds should be donated to in the form below even if you’re not interested in being a beta reader! The size of the charity is irrelevant. They just have to be credible (IE not a nightmare like Autism Speaks or the Salvation Army, or PETA, not to get judgy or upset anyone. They just have a very bad rep.) Anyway, enough of that! Back to the story!

(-~-)

By all accounts, the initial plan had been simple enough. They were going to eat dinner and then see where the evening took them. The only issue was that not a single one of them had really thought the plan through. That was typical enough, all things considered, but none of them really considered the fact that accomplishing that goal might be a little bit harder than they had originally expected it to be. Namely because of one major problem.

While Sirrus’s intentions had been pure enough when he had offered to cook, and V’s had been equally so when he had agreed to allow him to do so, the execution of those plans had left much to be desired. Making plans without knowing the full extent of their impact seemed to be something that ran in the Sparda family, regardless of the context of the plan, and while this was a minor occurrence in a sea of what had otherwise been huge high stakes situations, that didn’t change the fact that it was literally impossible to cook without food. And if it wasn’t, no one present wanted to know how that was done.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that you might be a little short on… everything at the moment.” Sirrus said as politely as he could, clearly amused by the utter emptiness that he was presented with when he opened the cabinet door. “Am I getting my hopes up by assuming that you have something in the refrigerator, or are we just going to have to make a run to the store? I mean, we’re probably going to have to for what I had in mind, but still.”

V felt himself die a little inside at his companion’s polite yet ruthless assessment of his current living situation. Sirrus was entirely correct, it was too much to hope for. He hadn’t really been home much recently, if at all since he had acquired the place, and as such, grocery shopping had been very low on his list of priorities. It had been easier to just grab something and call it a day in the two days that he had actually been in the house so far. He only wished that he had thought of that before he’d offered to allow Sirrus to cook! He could have saved himself a lot of unneeded embarrassment.

Was this what it felt like to be Dante? Because if it was, that was a tragedy. The only upside to his current situation was that Lucia, Nico, and Nero were in the next room talking, so they were not able to experience his deep loathing and shame first hand, not to mention the verbal beatdown that he had just suffered at Sirrus’s hands. Or should he say vocal cords? Either way, the point still stood that he did indeed need to procure food because the only thing available to consume in the house was peeling wallpaper, dried-out paint, and dust. And knowing V’s luck, Shadow had probably already consumed those already when he wasn’t looking. That was absolutely something she would do.

“I would say the latter is the most true, given the options at hand. That is not to say that the second option is not correct, as it absolutely is… but that’s not the type of narrative I’d like to weave at this juncture.” V “But the thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest, so it is probably best that I simply accompany you to the store so I can see to it that my cabinets are not as bare as Dante’s office is dark.”

Sirrus nodded as he closed a stary cabinet door, turning to fully face the slightly frazzled young man. “That seems agreeable enough. Hopefully my matter of fact, no-nonsense way of stating the obvious wasn’t as abrasive as it seems now that I am able to look back on it. Hindsight is 2020, as they say.” He straightened out his long shirt, adjusting his shoulders as he allowed his head to pull from side to side. He was slightly uncomfortable as, for the first time, he stepped close enough to V to notice that they were largely the same size and stature. What an eye-opening realization. “I’m sarcastic, some would even sardonic, but I like to think I’m not unfeeling. I’ve yet to lose my grip on the reality of the world around me and start to view the rest of the world with a sort of cold dissonance like so many around me have. What do people call that now? Being edgy? Somehow I am under the impression that that might not be the proper use of that term.”

V brushed him off, taking a step to the side instead of taking a step back. He wasn’t intimidated by the tall redhead despite the fact that he was sure that he probably had ample reason to be. There was a certain mysterious quality to him that was carefully outlined with a certain measure of involuntary menace that he couldn’t quite place, and his prior comments didn’t help in that regard. There was just something… feral about him, some sort of wild strength that he knew that his guest could reach into if he wished to do so and bring to bear against those he considered deserving of it. It was something that he could just feel in the pit of his stomach, a sort of primordial sense of strength and power that reminded him of his own family, but it was notably different in a way that was hard to describe. Was it darker somehow? Was that the right way to put it? 

But that wondering was enough to keep him grounded in a situation like this. He seemed trustworthy, but he would still keep his guard up until he was absolutely sure, even if he wasn’t actively trying to do so. It was simply instinct, and going with his gut had kept him alive this long, so he was going to continue doing so. If it wasn’t broken, then he wasn’t going to fix it. “Think nothing of it. I take no offense to you stating the obvious. I don’t think that there has been food in this house in at least a decade.”

“Probably longer than that, if I remember correctly. This place has been empty for about fifteen years. After the will was read, Magnolia’s side of the family cleaned the place out as quickly as they could before they went their separate ways. Quite a lot of bad blood between them, from what I could tell. It was a shame how that all played out, but grief brings out the worst in people, especially when the root cause of that grief is so… unexpected.” The man with the long red hair peered out of the back door for a moment as though he were expecting something or perhaps had heard a commotion of some sort. He seemed to study the bushes against the back wall for a long moment before continuing. “As per your request… that is more than fine by me. I won’t, then. I shall pretend that we never mentioned the food in the first place.”

“You say that as though you were personally there to see it. You seem too young to have witnessed something of that nature, but you have first-hand knowledge of it from a viewpoint that would suggest that you were a neutral party witnessing it from within the inner circle of what was going on.” V was admittedly curious as to how Sirrus would explain something like that in a way that made sense. Or would it make sense at all? Who was to say. He would simply have to wait and find out. “I had assumed that we were quite close in age. But then again, everyone knows what they say about assuming things. I should have known better than to think that I know everything about someone that I barely know. My mistake.”

“Looks can be deceiving, as I’m sure you know first hand. Your family is quite literally living proof of that concept. I assure you however that I was present. I just seem younger than…” He stopped, catching himself as though he were about to say something that he didn’t mean to, waiving off both his near mistake and V’s apology casually. V was clever, something that he had pegged about him from the very first moment that they had made eye contact. It was something intrinsic in the way that he held himself, and every time that he had opened his mouth since then had only served to strengthen that notion. But now his keen intellect was becoming troublesome, not that it changed anything in the end either way. ”That quote from before about the harvest… William Blake, if I remember correctly? I’m quite fond of his works, especially the illustrations. Quite the brilliant man.” He stopped for a moment, seemingly considering something before looking over at the doorway. He then nodded quietly to himself before redirecting his attention towards V once more, finding his companion’s silence interesting. He seemed to be waiting for him to continue. “Personally, Mary Shelly is my all-time favorite. Frankenstein and all that. I have a more contemporary favorite as of late, but telling you that might say more about me than I mean for it to, so I’ll keep it to myself for now.

Now V had more questions than answers. Sirrus was a walking mystery, and the more that he spoke, the more V questioned his own perception and his impression of him changed. It was as fascinating as it was confounding, but he couldn’t say that he disliked it. There was just something captivating about not being able to read him, regardless of how hard he tried. A part of him wondered if anyone else in his family had this issue. He would ask them when presented with the chance to do so. Well then, back to what we were discussing before.”

“We were discussing something before? I can’t say that I remember anything. But I do recall you saying to “think nothing of it.” The playfully smug, all-knowing tone of voice that he spoke in was enough to make V shake his head and roll his eyes, but he resisted. It was a welcome juxtaposition to the conversation that they had just indulged in, and they were both somehow simultaneously relieved that they didn’t have to indulge in it any longer.

He couldn’t help but snicker somewhat at that response. Sirrus was endearingly hatstand, wasn’t he? Despite the unintentionally tense conversation that they had just indulged in, the white-haired summoner couldn’t help but be amused. It was complicated, and yet so very simple. “Let’s go to the store, Sirrus. I’ll tell the others that we will return shortly. You may accompany me if you’d like.”

Sirrus nodded politely, using both hands to signal to him that he was to walk first as he bowed lower than what was needed and stepped back out of his companion’s way. V scoffed in amusement but went along with his slightly antiquated gesture, admittedly entertained by it. Yes, this had to be what other people felt like when they met him for the first time. He understood why they looked at him like that now. Slowly but surely, it was all coming together.

(-~-)

From what they could tell, the store was mostly empty. It was nearly 9 o’clock at night, and it seemed that everyone who wanted to buy groceries had done so by then. While it was understandable that most people in the city wouldn’t want to start cooking this late, it was still a little bit surreal to see just how few people were willing to make a midnight dash to the supermarket to stock up on general goods and necessities. One could only imagine that recent events in the region had made people more than a little bit jumpy, but this was an entirely new level of silent unrest that made an already somewhat eerie environment that much more uncomfortable.

As the absentmindedly browsed the shelves in relative silence, V shifted in discomfort. He couldn’t shake the persistent feeling that something simply wasn’t right, and that he should go with his gut and leave this place before something happened. Although it was basically impossible to predict something like that, V was convinced that the persistent feeling of unrecognizable dread that he felt brewing in the very pit of his stomach was something more substantial than he was allowing himself to believe. And under the guise of trying not to seem silently panicked, he couldn’t help but feel a nameless terror overtake him. This feeling that he felt was familiar in the worst way possible. It reminded him of the train ride back in Lucia’s homeland, the strange subconscious sensation that he was no longer in the driver’s seat in regards to his own cognitive feedback. And the idea that his enemy might be trying to do something, anything at all, was not good. He needed to do something fast.

“I apologize if my being around you alone is subconsciously offputting. I get the impression that you are disturbed, and you probably aren’t sure what that is just yet. Let me assure you that it is in fact, me, and that I am not doing so intentionally.” Sirrus casually reached up and took a can down from a shelf, turning it over in his hands absentmindedly as he studied it to see if it was something that he could use. “But the disturbance that you feel is most certainly tangible. I recognized your specific gifts and aptitudes a while back. You have a heightened sensitivity to certain things. Very useful if utilized correctly.” 

He paused for a moment to look at V, seemingly waiting for him to respond in some way. As he realized that his companion wasn’t speaking, he sighed with bated breath, looking slowly from side to side as he checked to make sure that no one was around them. Not that he needed his eyes to do that. It was more for V’s benefit than his own, in any case. “To someone with a trained eye, abilities like that stick out like a sore thumb, especially when the person in possession of them doesn’t yet know how to control them. But that is not to say that you don’t have amazing potential if only someone were to educate you as to how to do deliberately what already comes to you so naturally.”

“Gifts? What are you…” V paused as he considered what he wanted to say next. Sirrus could see something about him that the rest of the people he knew couldn’t? That was alarming to him for reasons that he couldn’t quite place at the moment. Was he that obvious? What else had he been doing that he just hadn’t noticed was a dead giveaway in regards to his true nature? Could anyone else tell, or was that something specific to Sirrus?

“Your grandfather is the Dark Knight Sparda, yes? I couldn’t help but notice your surname. He was a good man. And he was very powerful. I see things in both you and your brother that I do not see in your older relatives.” He seemed to be speaking carefully as he headed to the center aisle in his search for… whatever it was that he was looking for to cook dinner with. He seemed to notice V’s quiet, well-concealed panic, but the atmosphere had changed notably in the air around them. There was a certain latent hostility to V’s demeanor that hadn’t been there before, and for the first time since he’d arrived in town to carry out his mission, he felt genuinely threatened by someone. While he had indeed encountered resistance, nothing so far had felt so pure, so dynamic in its ability to utterly destroy him, and he got the impression that neither V nor himself truly knew what the young man with the white hair was capable of at that moment. And as exhilarating as that might be under most circumstances, this was far from the case at this moment in time. 

It was time to start explaining himself.

“... Sometimes things skip a generation, carried in latent genes by your forebears. This may be one of those cases. That’s what makes me as powerful as I am in some regards. And it is why we have what I like to call Dry Generations; instances in which nothing particularly interesting happens.” The hostility level didn’t decrease much, and Sirrus took a mental note of that, preparing himself should the worst happen. And he hoped with every fiber of his being that it wouldn’t. Something told him that if he had to resort to that, Vergil wouldn’t appreciate him having to explain it after the fact, and the last thing he wanted to have to do was pry Yamato out of his own chest. Vergil had quite the throwing arm. And as fast as he was, he wasn’t sure he was quite that fast. “But when more interesting individuals are born, well, they are most certainly more… intriguing. You and Nero seem to fit that bill nicely.”

“Are you threatening me?” V asked point-blank, his posture slightly more straight than it had been a moment before. Perhaps without thinking it, V had shifted into a readied stance, unwilling to be taken off guard by any kind of sudden attack. Resorting to this kind of public display of power had to be against some code of ethics or something, but he wasn’t going to stand there and take something like that laying down if it came to it. He needed to make that clear, even if Magnolia probably wouldn’t appreciate him bringing Sirrus to her in the middle of the night filled with puncture wounds from Shadow and several broken bones from a trip off of a local roof, courtesy of Griffon. He just hoped that he wouldn’t need to do that. And although he was somewhat sure that he wouldn’t need to, that didn’t change the fact that he might still need to defend himself.

In a moment of self-awareness, Sirrus shook his head, stepping back slightly as he allowed his head to rest on the edge of the center bin that he stood next to. There was some kind of meat inside of it with a sale sign next to it, but that would only become relevant if they made it out of this encounter in one piece. What a fascinating reaction. I would have never thought that he was capable of actually being overtly aggressive considering his physical state and general disposition. He normally has such a mild mentality.” He thought to himself as he let his arms fall to his sides, wanting to demonstrate as clearly as possible that he was not trying to intimidate V or cause him any harm. One could only imagine what he had been through in his young life, and he wasn’t going to add to that pain and suffering if he could help it. 

Maybe it was simply the demon side of him showing itself a little in that moment as a natural defense mechanism? He knew that they were not entirely human, after all, and he had no idea how much demonic blood ran through his veins. It mattered very little if he was being truthful with himself. His pedigree alone ensured that he was powerful, And that was something he could deeply sympathize with on an extremely personal level. He too carried his own darkness locked away deep within himself, even if it was a different form of it. He couldn’t judge him for the one time he slipped up. Hell, he’d give him a hug if he wasn’t so sure it would get him stabbed through the gut with V’s cane.

“Oh, perish the thought. Not even slightly. I wouldn’t dare. Though I do admit that it probably seems that way.” He watched V relax slightly, at least physically, sliding back into the comfortable leaning position that he was accustomed to associating with him. It made him wonder what the young summoner had been through that had made him this way, or if perhaps it was a one-off fluke reaction to this exact situation. Maybe he could ask him another time when he calmed all the way down. It seemed that he had at least a little bit of his father in him after all. “Quite the opposite though. I am extending an invitation. I would like to help you with that. Now, were you thinking fin or fang in regards to protein for this meal? It seems we have simpler choices to make this time around. But something tells me it won’t always be that way. Darkness looms on the horizon, and I have the feeling that something sinister might be readying itself just out of view.”

V gave him an apprehensive look, unsure as to what to really say to that. This entire conversation had certainly changed his outlook on a few things, to say nothing of how it had nearly taken a turn for the worst. He needed ample time to think things through. He was used to being the logical, level-headed one in situations like this. Something about that conversation had severely taken him out of his element, But at least a few of his questions had been answered, even if more now lingered in the back of his mind. And more importantly, there hadn’t been a public display of supernatural violence that could have destroyed both of them and the building along with them. 

Sighing gently as if to physically rid himself of the toxic experience he had just suffered through, V looked at Sirrus, the both of them somehow knowing that the other regretted what had almost just happened even without saying it. It was best to leave things alone for now and just leave this store. Maybe the building itself was driving them both insane. “Fang.”

(-~-)

Gosh, writing this chapter makes me want to work on the story that I’ve been wanting to write for so long now. But not yet! I don’t pick projects up easily after I walk away from them, so for now, I will wait. There is still much to be done with this AU, but gosh writing Sirrus gets me in the mood for that. Let’s just say he doesn’t originate from this AU universe.

Here is the link to the form! It’s only 4 questions and should take about two minutes to answer. Thank you! You’re a big help to me. I want it to be clear that I’m not making anything from this fic, I just want to do something neat for charity and give you something cool in return.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1jD0AKYiX3EfLjt-M_Rk8CapJ0GdzVqB-9oDMhV3SG2A/edit?usp=sharing

Sorry for my rambling this week! I’m just excited, I guess! Also, a special thank you to the like 2 people on Tumblr that like my chapters every week. I like your energy =^~^=

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

Witch of Light

Witches are incredibly powerful players, and complete wildcards when it comes to how they utilise their powers. For the Light aspect, so heavily focused on understanding, knowledge, and luck, this holds the potential for extremely negative effects. If done correctly, however, the Witch of Light is a truly wonderful player to have on your side - and one who will bring with her endless fortune and luck. 

True Witch of Light

Main Analysis

A True Witch of Light manipulates her aspect totally; she controls it, whether she is aware of this control or not, and changes it to her whims so frequently that, perhaps, she ruins the very basis of Light itself. 

With the knowledge that Light revolves around luck, knowledge, and relevance, you can begin to see how terrifying the total manipulation of Light truly is; the True Witch of Light does not entirely question why something is relevant or not, but instead bends it to her will to be that which she desires, or shifts attention away on a mass scale from that which she does not consider worth knowing. 

If a True Witch of Light decides that something is not worth her attention? Then it will never come to Light. Something world changing, revolutionary, incredible, could simply disappear overnight if it does not interest her - and yet, something incredibly minor, something others would consider unimportant, could boom in an instant should she so decide that she enjoys it. 

She is, in essence, akin to a popular person in a fandom typing up a post about how much she likes or dislikes any given thing; her opinion becomes total, her word law, and those around her follow it blindly, whether or not they would originally have agreed with what she says. 

She would be able to direct attention to one particular piece of information, focus everyone so wholeheartedly on this one thing, that all other information would be ignored, regardless of how right or wrong it is - in this sense, think of the mothers who refuse to get inoculations for their children because some discredited posts say that it will give your children autism, despite the plethora of credible medical documents that state otherwise. 

She rebels against Light itself, but not in a way that is active; her rebellion comes in the form of deciding her own luck, her own truth and knowledge, rather than in focusing on rebelling against one set ideal. A True Witch of Light will question why certain things are lucky, why we need to know or learn certain things, and completely turn those things on their head; making them irrelevant and useless, whether or not they truly are. 

She does not think about the damage she may cause, only acts, and this is the danger of a True Witch of Light; her manipulation is all encompassing, and there is simply no way to be free from her pull. If you are near her, your opinions are no longer your own; they are hers, and you will continue to agree with her. 

Perhaps worse, True Witches of Light may utterly demerit the idea of objective truth. Things that we understand, things that should be universal constants, or things that simply cannot work any other way - she will challenge these things, manipulate them, and potential destroy knowledge in the process. Though this may be useful in certain circumstances - after all, with her ability to see all sides, all opinions, and all potentials, she is in the perfect position to question the things in life that we simply accept for no reason, and manipulate knowledge and opinion to present the ugly truth; that what we accept is not entirely true at all - it has the potential to quickly turn toxic; should she decide that she knows the “true situation”, then that is what shall be true from that point onwards, regardless of whether or not she is actually right. 

Real truth does not exist around a True Witch of Light; there is simply her truth, and her lies, and a following which believes her unconditionally, for she uses knowledge so effectively that she must always be right. There is also the potential for the True Witch of Light to share things that does not need to be shared, change things that do not need to be changed, and shift the tides of luck for no particular reason. 

When we think of her, then, we must immediately think of Lady Fortune as portrayed in texts such as the Stanzaic Morte Arthur, in which Lady Fortune’s wheel spins to draw him to the top, to shower him in luck and praise for an era, only to cruelly cast him down once he has lost her favour, leading to the end of the knights of the Round Table. While the True Witch of Light holds you in favour, your luck will be endless; completely impossible things will occur, 0.0001% chances will suddenly be 100% chances, and should you so desire it, luck will ensure it happens. The moment you are out of her favour, however, your luck is stripped away; things that must happen simply will not, and all of those impossible things will be taken from you in moments. 

This leads nicely into her abilities; on top of her back and forth swaying of luck, she can quite likely bend light in a physical way, creating illusions or beams of light so concentrated they become lasers, blinding people or giving them sight they simply shouldn’t be able to have. Her abilities are not refined enough, however, to be done in moderation; they are all or nothing, and you simply need to hope that you can hold on along the way. 

Personality Analysis 

A True Witch of Light may seem as an initially bubbly and bright person. She smiles like the sun, she laughs like bells, she says honey sweet words - but mostly, she covers up a rather dark person on the inside. She is a master manipulator, and this is something that, ultimately, cannot be forgotten, because she will not be able to control just how all-encompassing her manipulation is. As a result, she is likely to be akin to the highschool bullies you see in most movies; brilliant at having people swarm to her like flies, but viciously attacking that which she does not agree with, and having those around her attack as well - simply because they believe it is right to. She can manipulate others to believe that lies told about another person is true, or may redirect attention away from those that she likes, regardless of how positive or negative those people might be. 

The honest chances are, she likely does not realise she is doing this; she simply believes that she is right and her arguments are right, and people can see this rightness and also believe in it. She does not consider that she is obscuring the truth, does not consider that she is only showing what she thinks is relevant; and thus, those who are out of her circle will see her for the ugly, twisted person she truly is. 

Home Life Analysis 

A True Witch of Light is someone who was never told “no”. While she may or may not have had the best of lives, the chances are that someone in her life always bent to her whims and tried their hardest to please her, or was weak enough to succumb to her overpowering personality. They believed every word she said, unconditionally, and never showed her the potential of her being wrong. As a result, she grew up dictating what was important and what was not, what was true and what was not, likely being that child in school who always got away with their actions no matter how guilty they truly were. She has never once been questioned, and as such she does not question how right she is; she simply believes that she is always right, and that those around her must see this as well. 

Realised Witch of Light

Main Analysis 

A Realised Witch of Light controls the manipulation she has over Light, and questions herself and her actions to come across the best choice in every decision she makes. 

With her ability to see truth from all angles, she delves deeper into finding out everything she can about any given thing, pouring herself wholeheartedly into that which she is trying to understand, so that she may find the truth behind it; and once that truth is found, she manipulates the knowledge and relevance she has to bring it to light. She is akin to the popular person in a fandom who digs deep into every creator to find out whether or not they are worth supporting; if there are dark secrets to be found, she will find them, decide whether or not they need revealing, and will act accordingly. 

She speaks out openly on topics that others simply accept, her rebellion as a Witch coming to fruition in the form of revealing the truth about companies or ways of life that others may attempt to keep quiet about. She sees when information is fake, or when luck is a fraud, and shows the world the truth regardless of whether or not it is something that others would think needs to be known, or that others would accept. 

She manipulates knowledge and relevance to shift attention from internet-popular news to things that truly matter, speaking from credible sources and outright shaming those who may have attempted to hide the knowledge in the first place. If it is not relevant but should be, you know that a Realised Witch of Light will be the first to drag it from the darkness for all to see. 

She is an expert at understanding when luck needs to change, shifting the tides of fortune to benefit those who have need while taking everything away from those who deserve nothing, but does not do so unless she is sure she has to. 

As a Realised Witch of Light, she is significantly more aware that forcing change is not always a positive thing, and thus all of her manipulation comes only at the right time, when she is sure that there will be obvious benefit for all involved. She may, for instance, change the luck of a family to gain everything they could ever need, or use her powers of relevance to draw more attention to fundraisers that actually need help, rather than fundraisers for ridiculous things. 

She is still opinionated, and will actively speak out when she feels she needs to, but she is also more aware that taking away the voices of others is no way to handle a situation; if she believes that someone needs to be changed - for instance, if they are bigoted - then she will do everything she can to change them, but if she simply disagrees with someone over a course of action then she will direct attention away from them and onto something she considers more relevant, or truthful. 

Set-in-stone truths become things to question around the Realised Witch of Light, who pulls at the importance of things until the truth is revealed; if an actor is given too much credit, she will shine the light on all the other actors who did significantly more, but did not get their needed praise. She presents that which must be focused on over that which seems interesting, but is not entirely important; she questions everything that seems stable but is structured on wooden legs; she gives luck to those who deserve it, and nothing to those who do not. 

In a power sense, she is capable of doing everything that a True Witch of Light can do, but to a much more stable degree; luck can be given in smaller bouts, and taken away to more fractional percentages. Though she may still cause impossible things to happen, she also tugs at the possible, becomes more subtle in her power usage. She can give people sight in more ways than one; not only physical sight, but metaphorical sight, inner sight, overall understanding - perhaps akin to how Garnet shares her Future Vision with Steven in Steven Universe, but only shows him the parts that are relevant to what he is immediately dealing with. This does not make her any less formidable; on the contrary, in control of her powers, she can dictate much, much more than a True Witch of Light, in ways that might simply slip past people - particularly if she does not allow to look too deeply into things.

Personality Analysis 

Bubbly and bright, the Realised Witch of Light is much more careful with her words than her True variant. She takes her time, she considers everything, she is perhaps something of a bookworm attempting to take in everything she possibly can. She is much more knowledgeable about a variety of things, but also much more careful with what she says and when she says it. She may seem a bit more reserved, but still friendly and approachable, and likely someone you’d want to listen to due to the plethora of knowledge she has. She is still incredibly opinionated, and once she starts on a tangent, is is incredibly hard to get her to stop - and chances are, by the end of it, you’ll be utterly convinced that what she’s saying is true.

Home Life Analysis

A Realised Witch of Light is someone who actively realised at a young age that her words held an extraordinary amount of power, and did not enjoy it. She was told no, raised to question things and to form her own arguments, but not to entirely rule out other opinions - yet still grew up with a spirit strong enough to change the world if she thought it needed changing. She is a rebel of words and rebels strongly against knowledge, and thus was likely raised in a home where questioning things she heard, read or saw was encouraged as part of daily life. In other words, it’s much more likely that a Realised Witch of Light is not a combination of cis, het, white, able bodied, and rich. 

Failed Witch of Light

Main Analysis 

A Failed Witch of Light fails to both wholly manipulate and control her manipulation of knowledge, luck, and relevance, instead going through life with as few questions as possible. 

She does not make her own opinions, nor does she read into everything she sees; she is a believer, a follower, someone who sees the popular opinion and slips into the masses simply because it is easier than doing the research herself. 

She may have opinions, but she keeps them to herself, and she utterly rejects the idea of taking things into her own hands. She refuses to change what is set in stone - after all, if so many people believe it, it must be true, and to disagree with fact is counterproductive - and her belief in luck, fate, and chance is minimal. 

She likely has no good or bad luck at all, failing to manipulate that which she knows and the luck she contains to an effective level, and thus neither improves her life nor ruins others. She is, in essence, the most basic of the failed classpects; she does nothing, she changes nothing, she rebels against nothing, she accepts things for what they are, and overall completely fails to interact with her classpect at all. 

A Failed Witch of Life simply lives in a system which works for her and tries to achieve nothing beyond that which she is told is possible. There are no big ideas inside her, no determination to challenge that which she knows. As a result, her powers are nonexistent. She does not attempt to manipulate knowledge, luck, or relevance, and Light eludes her completely; though she should hold the potential to do so, she believes strictly in the laws that are in place for Light, thus creating illusions by manipulating Light is not something she would even begin to attempt doing. After all, Light only travels in a straight line; how could she possibly bend Light as if it were something physical? 

Even if she knew what her powers were, she would not use them. The struggle of the Failed Witch of Life is understanding that the laws of Light, to her, are not confining - a struggle she will never overcome, regardless of how far she gets into SBURB. 

On a more realistic note, Failed Witches of Life are the sort of people who blindly follow along with the masses, spouting out facts and opinions like a regurgitated rhetoric and making no attempt to accept or understand anything that slips outside the factual norm of the populace.

Personality Analysis 

Lacking in vibrancy, a Failed Witch of Light is plain and bland. She does not stick out in any particular way, instead filtering in with the rest of the crowd and enjoying life more simplistically; by being a mindless follower who believes what she is told, and makes no effort to stick up for her own opinions. Even if she reads a conflicting piece of information, she will bury her head in the sand and stick to what popular belief agrees with, regardless of how often this belief is disproven. She will never say her true opinion, even though she may have them, and masks them instead with things she knows most people will agree with. However, she will argue these points thoroughly - no matter how weak her argument may be. In this sense, she ghosts the Void aspect, much like a Prince or Bard does, but to an even more nullifying degree. She does not destroy Light so much as she ignores it. 

Home Life Analysis 

A Failed Witch of Life if someone who was force fed opinions from a young age. She has never been allowed to question, never been allowed to see the other side or accept information that argues against what is supposedly true. She likely grew up in a closed off household, perhaps one that was stiflingly religious, or from a high class in society; somewhere where the norm suited them just fine, benefited them even, and questioning it was frowned upon deeply. She has been told what is true and what to believe to such a degree that arguing against it holds no merit, is not even a possibility, and thus she simply does not even try. 

1028

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV? The last TV show I watched was Friends, but the last thing I saw on TV was the evening news, as is always our companion when having dinner.

2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment? I have the fan on, like always. I just turn on the aircon in the evening because I want to be comfortable after a long day and when trying to fall asleep.

3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else? Andi was having a dilemma about an already-secure job offer for a position they don’t 100% like vs. a job they know they would enjoy a lot more but isn’t guaranteed at all. I helped weigh out the pros and cons with them, but I didn’t necessarily stick to a position as I didn’t want to dictate a choice for them.

4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit? I was a student, then was unemployed, then got hired throughout this COVID fiasco so far. For the first two, life had been quiet for me and I really hated feeling like having no contribution at home. My plate is definitely a lot fuller now and I’m glad I have things to do and earn for myself while doing so.

5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that? On my own. I think it’s best for me at the moment.

6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism? Yes.

7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix? None of these. I’ve had a tooth removed, but it wasn’t a wisdom tooth.

8 - Are you scared of needles? Very. I hate most sharp things, and I am an embarrassment whenever I’m at the hospital and need to be pricked with something.

9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality? I try to strike a balance between comfort and fashion, but sometimes I’ll prioritize comfort and sometimes I’ll prioritize fashion. But practicality is definitely barely in my criteria when picking outfits.

10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? I think it may have been February. I only smoke with other people and I’ve never bought my own pack.

11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water? In the grand scheme of things, water. But right now, a hot chocolate sounds heavenly.

12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house? Yes. We also have our Christmas tree already up, so that has also boosted the amount of ornaments we have.

13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s? Books. While I have a number of DVDs, I never really an avid collector of them. My dad introduced me to torrent websites at a young age so that’s how I’ve been getting movies for the longest time.

14 - How often would you say you took surveys? Throughout the quarantine I had taken surveys daily. But with me now having work and usually being too exhausted by the end of the day, I think I’ll be back to taking surveys only on weekends now like how it was when I was in school. 

15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work? Yes, I had to wear a uniform in my old school.

16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today? It would have to be either Angela or Gabie. Yes, I still talk to both.

17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you? Katreen’s and Angela’s families were second families to me. For a time back in grade school, Katreen’s mom actually used to pick me up alongside Katreen every Friday and then I would stay at their place until around 9 PM, when my mom would get back from work and pick me up. They did such a wonderful job making me feel like family, and I hope they’re all doing well today.

18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books? Yes but it would not be edible.

19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food? I rely on people in my family who can actualy cook, ha.

20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often? KFC would have to be my favorite. Those 11 herbs and spices don’t fuck around, man. It’s not the cheapest of fast food options, so I don’t get to have it a lot and it’s usually tradition for me to get KFC only when I feel like I deserve a reward for an accomplishment or after a grueling week.

21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it? Not having been able to see my friends, go out as a group, and stay out late. Also, not getting a normal college graduation and being unable to spend my last semester as a college student just being a dumb college student doing dumb college student things.

22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines? I’ll sometimes read the online versions of magazines especially if one of them comes out with a compelling article, but I don’t follow any of them religiously.

23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on? I went out with friends on the weekends, so my savings mostly went to food and Uber (back when we still had Uber, and back when none of us could drive yet).

24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth? I have my moods for sure, but I love savory a lot more.

25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food? Fruits. I get judged for it all the time, but I honestly live for the reactions hahaha. To this day it’s still my go-to fact to say whenever I have to share something about myself. There’s also sinigang, but that is such a universally-loved food and is such a huge source of pride for Filipinos that I just keep it to myself because people get genuinely annoyed/offended when they hear that I don’t like sinigang LOL

26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love? BALUT

27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta? Pizza. Easy.

28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards? I just have the one for my gas station, so no.

29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper? I had to view a newspaper article for work yesterday, but I have not read a full newspaper in years.

30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now? There’s the fan in my room and construction outside our house.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost? Yeah but it’s technically not mine; my parents made the purchase and they gave it to me as a high school graduation present. They’re also the ones who take care of and pay for its maintenance, like taking it to oil changes; so literally my only contribution has been to drive it HAHAHA. I’ve been driving it since 2016 and I’m pretty sure it cost them less than a million bucks. It was probably around P800,000–900,000.

2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Andi was checking up on how I’ve been. I appreciated that.

3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning? I haven’t had it yet but I will probably skip it. I might make myself coffee, though.

4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment? I never have any scented candles.

5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out? Yesterday afternoon. There was nothing left to do for work and my superiors hadn’t been asking me to do any tasks anymore, so I went out to get myself Starbucks before my shift was actually over, haha oops. I might be going out next Tuesday to pick up my new card from the bank.

6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers? No. My sister has been wanting to make a survey blog but she just never got around to making it because she thinks she’ll end up being inactive; but that’s about it on the irl people front. If she ever makes one, I’d prefer we didn’t follow one another as doing so would make things awkward.

7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since? Gabie doesn’t speak with me regularly anymore. We’re not on bad terms so there’s nothing to make up, but she has told me it’s out of shame that she doesn’t initiate conversations with me these days. 

8 - Who was the last person you argued or bickered with? I haven’t had an argument with anyone in a while.

9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow? Catch up on surveys as I haven’t done them all week, anddddd figure out what to do with my embroidery kit as I’ve run out of the provided thread :(

10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked? It’s the weekend so no, I haven’t received anything new.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally? It was 7:08 AM when I had checked. I just woke up naturally.

12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Probably when it was still a part of Pangaea or something. We don’t get snow on this side of the world and the nearest place that does is probably like South Korea, which is not near us at all.

13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks? Like, mismatched ones? No, I find it cute actually.

14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should? Right now. I had sent out an event invite to certain media last Thursday for work, and one of them replied only by 6 PM last night. I only saw it by 9:30 and replied, then she got back with a question by around 9:50 PM, and at that point I decided against replying because it was already nearing 10 PM and I didn’t want to be rude. I want to reply today but it’s the weekend and I don’t wanna be the jerk that brings up work on the weekend, but I also don’t want to leave her hanging because I had technically cut our conversation short. 

OK I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about it and I ended up replying hahaha. It just didn’t sit well with me to blow her off for the weekend when her last message was a question for me. So I answered her for her clarification, but I just made sure to let her know there’s no pressure for her to get back to me this weekend.

15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game? Watch someone play a video game, tbh.

16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment? Because my fever wasn’t going away and I wanted to get rid of it so bad.

17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? The person from Pizza Hut who took my order, I think? lol

18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment? I’ve never had it dyed, so it has always been black.

19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? I have moods for both, but as a whole I think I’d go for savory.

20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom? A couple of hours ago.

21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes? I spend more often on clothes but they aren’t always necessarily expensive. I don’t buy shoes often, but when I do they’re usually quite expensive, so. I’m not sure how to answer this question, but it goes two ways for me.

22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections? I’m glad he won but at the end of the day he’s still just the lesser evil. I won’t really know anything until I see him and his moves in office, so I’ll have to wait until then.

23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet? I segregate, turn off the faucet when it isn’t being used, never turn on my bedroom light, and before Covid I’d pick up trash I’d see at the mall.

24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan? I haven’t been either but I do opt for vegan options when I see one on the menu.

25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage? A cotton bud.

26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more? I never do. I know I should probably do so, but eh.

27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you'd made? What was the reason behind it? LOL well...I’m currently having to rearrange and revise and adjust my entire life plans because of this stupid breakup.

28 - Have you ever had to wear braces? Yes. But I’ll have to avail them again because I did a terrible job keeping my retainers on.

29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer? Mom jeans that are a little more loose than skinny jeans, but aren’t too baggy.

30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas? I wear my usual getup of a t-shirt/tank top and shorts.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? It was an argument with the entire family, sans my sister who stayed silently watching during the whole thing as she hates conflict. We had just flown back to Manila from a vacation and we were all just tired and impatient and hungry, my mom found a way to shift the blame on me as per usual, some words were exchanged, and my brother ended up slapping me and it was on hell on earth from there. Things weren’t ok for a whole week, but slowly life went back to normal without us ever acknowledging it because we’re dysfunctional as fuck. The one thing that never ended up changing is my dynamic with my brother, with whom I stopped speaking permanently after what he did.

2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? A lot; my country is a big hot spot for typhoons, so we don’t really have a choice but to go through several of them every year. Sometimes it’ll get bad enough for us to make it to international news because our government doesn’t really do anything to help out victims.

3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favourite thing to have? They both get human food. I’m not sure what Cooper’s favorite is as Nina primarily feeds him; but Kimi is most obsessed with chicken.

4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? Just play wrestling matches with my cousin when we were kids. He always won as he was older and a lot bigger than me.

5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? I don’t light stuff up on my own because I’m scared of fire, but the last time we used matches was for lighting up our emergency candles because of the power outage from last week.

6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are? It is annoyingly humid. I had to open my windows and roll up my window blinds today, which I hate having to do because it makes neighbors able to see my room and what I’m doing here -_____- I feel like I’m giving away my privacy every time I have to have the blinds up just to have colder air in.

7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do? Before doing this I came from bed. When I felt like doing a survey I just got up and headed to my work desk.

8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today: Received a package for something I bought online, made myself a sandwich, ate cheese-flavored corn chips, watch a half-season of Friends, and bought another embroidery kit online (I’ve been calling it ‘cross-stitch’ this whole time but apparently that is wrong, whoops). Not a very productive Saturday, but it’s honestly ok considering I’m left exhausted from the past week.

9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? I drive myself.

10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked? Start of the month. I was driving to take Cooper to the vet when it suddenly started raining super hard, but it was only upon arriving at the clinic that I realized there wasn’t any umbrella in the car. Had to make a quick dash from the car to the nearest shade, all the while keeping Cooper under my jacket so that he stayed dry. I was soaked as shit but he was kept dry, which was all that mattered.

11 - Did your favourite Disney film come out before or after you were born? I have two favorites: Toy Story came out three years before I was born, but Tangled came 12 years after my birth.

12 - Are you a fan of musicals? No, I never saw the appeal.

13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities? My favorite coffee from Starbucks. It’s a win-win situation for me at the moment: my mom is asking for a Starbucks planner for Christmas, which means all I need to do for her gift is to keep ordering coffees from there until I’ve collected enough stickers to be entitled to a planner, heheh.

14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original? Ooh, I’m not the biggest fan of movies that come in multiple parts so I don’t know if I have any picks. I can name covers that I like than the original songs, though.

15 - How often do you lose the remote control? I haven’t really sat down in front of a TV to watch shows since high school, so I haven’t temporarily lost a remote control since then.

16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection? Last Thursday and Friday but only because the power went out.

17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all? I play 1010 the most, but I’ve got tons of other games that are just sitting in my menu just in case I’m suddenly in the mood to play them.

18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person? I dunno, I guess the people in my work meeting video call yesterday afternoon? It was my first meeting with that particular team as the newbie at work, so I don’t actually know all of them that well yet.

19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? I am hot and irritated by it.

20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either? Showers; my last one was yesterday. My last bath was...no clue. Two years ago, maybe?

21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance? I used to spend a lot on clothes, yeah, at least before Covid. But right now there really has been no point in upgrading my wardrobe, so I haven’t been buying any new pieces.

22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself? I have never spent ₱6,408 in one sitting, whether it be for myself, for a necessity, or for someone else. That’s crazy and will probably take a couple more years before I see myself making transactions that huge.

23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool? Seeeeeeeea. I always feel at peace in the sea, and ugh I miss it so much.

24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? I wouldn’t call it a zookeeper experience, but we went to some sort of animal park in Bali that let me carry and interact with all sorts of animals.

25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? Probably not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store? My parents go at least once a week to buy groceries.

27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink? Last night. Being able to earn money and spend it on myself and never have to ask from my parents anymore has been one of the highlights of my year so far, aaaahhhhh

28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them? If I love the film and memorize a chunk of the dialogue, yes. The movie I quote the most as I watch it is most definitely Titanic.

29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? My dad doesn’t really do anything that annoys me. My mom doesn’t knock.

30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house? Yes. I’ll be locked in my room but my dad will probably be bringing me food, just the way he did when I got sick last May and had to isolate myself.

Acephobia, Allosexuality, and what it means to be Queer

I’ve been meaning to provide a comprehensive overview of the so-called “ace discourse” that seems to course through the internet every few years, like a UTI that’s survived 3 half-hearted trials of antibiotics, only ever fading- never dying. As an asexual individual that has been out in this world since the Year of our Lord 2010, there have been wild misconceptions surrounding this issue for as long as I can remember. Let’s start with some basics, just for fun.

Disclaimer: As an alloromantic person, I will not be speaking in regard to aromantics. Most of this stuff can be generalized, sure, but I don’t want to act like I know what it’s like to be aromantic when I truly don’t. Write your own analyses! Speak out! Smash the cishetallopatriarchy!

Asexual? Like a plant?

No, I do not experience a sexual attraction to myself. No, not all asexuals masturbate, nor do all asexuals not masturbate. I have never once woken up with a clone of myself nestled beside me, having reproduced as a microorganism would. These may seem silly things to think in this year, but this was the majority of conversation when I first began to come out. Figured I might as well get them out of the way early on.

Asexuality is defined as a non-normative lack of sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender. “Normative” is a handy little word that means “outside of the spectrum which is considered “normal” by society”. For example, the construct of cisnormativity implies that being cisgender is the “normative” state for an individual to be. Thus, in the definition, you can hopefully begin to see what’s so queer about asexuality. Here are some more terms the community has!

Sex-positive Ace: An asexual individual who does not mind having sex

Sex-negative Ace: An asexual individual who would prefer to have no sex at all

Sex-repulsed Ace: An asexual individual who abhors all forms of sexual contact- for some, this includes activities like visiting a gynecologist.

Demi-asexual/Demisexual: An asexual that can experience sexual attraction once they have reached a level of closeness with an individual.

Grey-asexual: An asexual that experiences some level of sexual attraction, though not nearly enough to be considered within the “normative” range

Allosexual: A person that experiences a normative level of sexual attraction. Consider this term to be much like the terms “white”, “cisgender”, “abled”, “heterosexual”, and the like. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad to be this way, it’s just that being this way protects you from the discrimination that asexuals experience. Some dislike the term because “it groups me in with heterosexuals!”, but truly any adjective does that. I don’t see people saying “don’t call me white, it groups me in with heterosexuals!”.

It is truly not up to a bystander to determine whether or not someone is asexual. Personally, I knew that I was the moment I saw the term. Many said things along the lines of “Oh, you’re 15, you just haven’t bloomed yet”. However, I wouldn’t say that the analysis that you must be “of age” to identify as anything is necessarily true- Part of the reason I identified so heavily with the term was that I could feel how abnormal I was. 

My friends would talk about topics around sex, and I felt incredibly unengaged. I felt like the only person within my age group that felt the way I did. The sense of being an outsider was what caused me to gravitate to understanding myself as an asexual individual. Regardless of the sex-positive education I sought, despite having a friend group that adamantly put down any slut shaming, I could never find it within me to be sexually attracted to anyone. Many told me I was broken. I certainly felt that way. Finding a proper way to define myself helped me to embrace my difference instead.

Queer Enough To Ride

I would first like to reach out to those of you that believe that asexuality is not “queer” enough to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community- I understand why you want to gatekeep, that is- to staff the entrance to the community, deciding who is and who is not allowed within. Many of you are bisexual, nonbinary, and other queer folks that were once the subject of the “are you queer enough to ride” argument. 

I myself gatekept like you did. I quantified how trans a person needed to be to be considered part of the umbrella. I attempted to divide the bisexual community between “fake” and “real” bisexuals. I did this largely for one reason- I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt that, by providing a baseline, I could place myself squarely into a place of validity. If I could say where “not queer” began, I could say that I was surely queer! In my desperation to prove myself, I denounced the experiences of others. What I’ve now realized is an amazing concept: if we were to define all folks that felt ostracized for their presentations of gender and orientation (and wish to identify with the word itself, which not everyone does) as queer, that automatically does include us! As for using the word “queer”? I’ll turn to a very good friend of mine for this one -  @neurostorm​

Oh goodie, another fight over the operational definition of the word ‘queer.’ If you are taking the reclaimed slur approach, then NBs (which were largely unknown when the slur was at its apex and was strategically reclaimed), transmasculine people (whom the oppressor barely knows exist), and arguably even cis lesbians (who often had different slurs hurled toward them exclusively) don’t have a right to use it either; because the slur was disproportionately applied to gay men and transfeminine people (since the oppressor believed they were one and the same). However, it was agreed that by extension of a general oppression that all gay people and all trans people could “have” it. It was this same idea of general oppression that started the LGBT+ coalition, since on a 10,000 foot level, the oppressor saw them all as just different manifestations of the same thing. The redefinition of the slur to become synonymous with the political coalition was part of its reclamation. The strategy was twofold. First- use its deliberate fuzziness to capture all the edge cases, as gender and sexuality are highly individualized. Second - use this re-branding to neutralize the slur’s power further by completely transforming it to mean something else entirely in the hearts and minds of the cis-hetero world. Regardless of how one defines that term, there is one very basic truth. It has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on who gets to be considered a part of the greater LGBT+ coalition, whether or not the term is used to define it! So with that said, how SHOULD we define those who are included? Opinions vary, but strictly for the “sexuality” part of the equation of things, my personal definition I tend to fall back to is that it meets 3 basic categories. 1. Its a significant departure from standard sexuality. 2. It’s a significant departure from expectations placed upon you by society’s sexual defaults. 3. It has a major impact on ones life in how they relate to society’s sexual expectations. This doesn’t imply oppression a priori, and this is deliberate. Oppression is a byproduct of greater society being shitty to certain groups based on their identity, not a part of their identity itself (if it was, then that identity ceases to exist if the oppression against it stops, and I don’t stop being autistic just because I wake up in a paradise where abelism doesn’t exist). Oppression would be that there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group for their deviance from the imagined normal. So then, about the aces. Where do they fall in in regards to this criteria. 1. Asexuality is a significant departure from standard sexuality, as standard sexuality assumes a moderate-to-high level of libido and desire by default (less so for female perceived people, but less is not none). 2. Asexuality is a significant departure from expectations placed upon one because they are expected to perform sexuality and have a certain level of desire in order to be seen as good partners (and in the case of male-identified people, have their gender validated). 3. This has a major impact on ones life because the expectation and desire of sexuality (or at least the performance thereof for the sake of another) is seen as a default part of romantic relationships to the point where it is implicitly believed by some that it is the sole reason they exist. It has a major impact in that it is always assumed to be childhood trauma, shyness, and “not meeting the right person” (and you know what, even when that is the case it doesn’t invalidate the asexuality they have).

I’ll return to their infodump in just a bit, as they did have more to say. No, they are neither cis nor het, if you’re intent in devaluing their opinion. In fact, they’re not ace! So I will add some of my experience to the meat of their argument. I currently identify as GenderVague (being on the autism spectrum, I don’t necessarily have the best grasp of structures like “gender”), bi/panromantic, and asexual. I did not come out as any form of nonbinary until 2014, as I didn’t have the terms to describe myself, and I did not come out as non-heteroromantic until I forced myself into a state of inebriation (read: became absolutely plastered) and, well, slept with a girl to prove myself. 

I knew that I liked girls, don’t get me wrong! It’s just incredibly hard to prove that, you see, when you’re asexual. I could say that I crushed on girls since the 3rd grade all I liked, but I was forever a “fake bisexual” until I could say that I had sex with a woman. That community mindset (and a desire to not disappoint my allosexual gf) led to me doing what I did, all in the effort to validate myself.

I guess I’m bringing all of this up to say this- whenever I hear people talking about those “cishet aces” always “trying to invade” yadda yadda, I see myself in 2012. To the majority of queer folks, I absolutely appeared straight, being closeted. I’m certain asexual aromantics also are devalued as “straight” for the same reasons. I don’t think any of us are any less queer, forcing ourselves to have sex or not. I also really don’t think anyone whose m.o. is not being interested in sex will get much of anything besides community from being recognized as queer. And for those that identify as heteroromantic in full spirit? I’m going to echo what asexual people of all orientations have been saying- if you say that they’re not welcome, but you say that I’m welcome, you’re specifically stating that my experiences as an asexual person are nothing. Since I personally received far more discrimination for being asexual than for being bi (I emphasize personally, as everyone has different experiences), I feel invalidated when people say I wouldn’t be queer without being bi. You can’t consider my asexuality queer while at the same time stating that asexuality as a whole is not queer.  Let’s go onto the second half of @neurostorm ‘s rant-

As for oppression, there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and marginalization against asexual people that favors the power structure. The Asexual community can probably answer this in more detail, but off the top of my head, one example of systemic oppression is that society sees a low-libido as a kind of arrested development of maturation (which plays in to abelism in some ways too). Society will pressure asexuals to perform sexuality and force-spark development through things such as corrective rape. Society will flat out erase the existence of asexual people (I know many an evangelical who believe that there is no such thing as an asexual person, and that anybody who says so is just trying to virtue signal and hasn’t admitted their “sins of the heart” to themselves). All of these examples and more are promoted, encouraged, and tacitly accepted by greater society at large. All of these examples are born from and promoted by minor and major biases saturated in the consciousness of the majority of the population, and favoring the power structure that currently exists. That effectively MAKES it oppression using the definition I provided earlier. It is a “…systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group [in this case, asexuals] for their deviance from the imagined normal.” So to recap. My argument is as follows. 1. The strategy to re-brand “queer” as a coalition name is deliberate and decided upon by the greater LGBT+ community in roughly the 1990s-2000s. If someone personally doesn’t want to be referred to that way, that’s all well and good, but it’s not their place to tell another how they should refer to themselves. This applies to any reclaimed slur, term, or identity phrasing (i.e. the argument of identity-first language vs person-first language in the greater disabled community [other disabled folks can refer to themselves however they want, but they don’t get to tell me I HAVE to use person-first language when I greatly prefer identity-first language to describe myself]). 2. Regardless of how 'queer’ is operationally defined, that has no bearing on whether or not asexuals can be part of the greater political coalition. 3. Going by what I feel is a reasonable set of basic criteria, Asexuals ARE qualified to be a part of the greater political coalition. 4. It can be demonstrably proven that asexuals are systemically oppressed by virtue of their asexuality.

There’s certainly folks that are attempting at this very moment to argue that allowing asexuals into pride will mean that ace voices will take over “more important ones”. I would like to introduce you to a concept that every pride I’ve been involved in fails to implement- prioritizing intersectional voices. Giving the mic to trans lesbians of color instead of white cis gay men. For the love of Marsha P. 

Hell, as a disabled, trans, bi, asexual, autistic immigrant I’m 10 times as intersectional as Tyler Oakley, so can we stop making him our first choice for a speaker? I’ll get off this tangent, but my point is that I am actively dreaming of a world where people that are only one letter of the whole acronym don't speak over all the rest of us. I don’t think it’s fair to be fearful of asexual folks taking up space when our community is so blatantly whitewashed and ciswashed as it stands. Speak out in favor of intersectionality for everyone, stop giving white cis gay men a pass to speak over everyone.

Acephobia

Acephobia, Acemisia, Aceantagonism- There’s a multitude of names to describe the systematic oppression and violence that asexual folks experience. I personally prefer “Acemisia” because it takes up fewer Twitter characters and doesn’t associate itself with mental ailments like agoraphobia, but I’ll call it acephobia since that’s what the kids on here are saying. Acephobia, like other forms of discrimination, is too wide to be wholly understood in a simple lesson, so forgive me if I don’t touch on some issues. In general, oppression exists on multiple levels-

Institutional violence- discrimination written into schools, churches, public offices, and other power structures that make up The State.

Social violence- discrimination carried out as an unwritten social rule through everyday language and encounters

Physical/sexual violence- murder, rape, the fun stuff! /sarcasm

I’m going to try to address each level the best that I can, so bear with me.

Institutions & Asexuality

Many queer folks will use religious texts and fundamentalist Christian views to outline why their oppression in society is legitimate, and this is because The Church is an institution that entwines itself in a lot of issues of morality and law, especially in regards to marriage and love. A common argument that I hear is that asexual folks face no such oppression in that system. However, as an asexual who has discussed this issue for the better part of 7 years at this point, I have discovered this- fundamentalist Christian people do hate asexuality, specifically because it throws a wrench in the idea that one has to consummate a marriage. For those unfamiliar, consummation of a marriage is the act of having sex after a wedding in order to prove the marriage legitimate. 

“But isn’t asexuality the same thing as chastity??” you ask, clearly illustrating that you don’t get the point that we are not experiencing any sexual attraction at all, no matter how hard we try. The problem is that asexual folks don’t “get over” this “phase”. Many of us are unable to consummate marriages, and to not consummate a marriage deems the marriage, in the eyes of the church, illegitimate. This isn’t merely a thought experiment- I do know asexual folks that legitimately were run out of their home for disclosing that they would never marry “the way God intended”. That’s actually a reason for marriage cancellation- “annulment due to a failure to consummate the marriage”. Thus, you can see that the institution of the church, which affects the institution of marriage, which we all know impacts relationships very intimately, has a very marked issue with putting its head around the idea of a sexless marriage. When the same-sex-marriage debate was still young in the early 2000s, many opponents claimed that the reason same-sex marriage was sinful was because the process of consummation would require, in their gross words, “sodomy”. I brought up that many asexual homoromantic couples were likely seeking the ability to marry, and this idea jarred them further- they were outraged that anyone could refuse to consummate a marriage, and stated that a sexless marriage was effectively more of an insult to God than a marriage that brought forth “sodomy” [blech].

There are other institutions where asexuality is actively discriminated against within- I was actually given an intervention in a liberal middle school for writing in health class that I had no plans to have sex, and I quote, “never never ever EVERRR!!!”. I know, mildly excessive, but I was completely sex-repulsed at that age. Multiple teachers were brought in to try to convince me, stating that at my age, “you really need to be thinking about sex rather than trying to avoid it”. Even though this program focused on encouraging students to abstain from sex until they’re ready, they found it problematic that I had no interest in “EVERRR!!!” performing the act. It spoke heavily to the hypocrisy that even abstinence-encouraging programs have when faced with asexual students.

Asexuality in Society

There were countless YouTubers that popped up around the year 2010 that discussed in depth the social ramifications of coming out as an asexual individual. One in particular that I followed was swankivy, who was immersed in discourse in the immensely queerphobic 2009 youtube and OkCupid community. She heard everything from “you’re clearly a lesbian in denial, come out of the closet and join us” to “you’re straight because that’s the default”. In fact, she has almost a decade’s worth of videos titled “Letters to an Asexual” that highlight the sorts of comments we receive on a daily basis. If you couldn’t already guess, many of the comments indicated that she wouldn’t be so controversial if she could pick a “real” sexuality, and stick with it. People often told her things like “it’s ok to be a lesbian” after she had already argued extensively that her asexuality was how she was made and who she was. I know that 2009 youtube videos don’t age the best, so take all of those low-quality films with a grain of salt- a lot of homophobia got launched at her in the early days, and nobody in 2009 was entirely unproblematic.

As the asexual community began to receive recognition from both queer and cis/het communities, their placement was treated like a game of hot potato. We didn’t fit in with the cis/het community, as we still got accused of being broken for not experiencing sexual attraction. The queer community hasn’t wanted us either, for largely the same reasons. We were too deviant to fit in with the mythical norm, and simultaneously too deviant to fit in with the counter-norm. Both communities had very staunch views on sex that we couldn’t fit into. 

Eventually, the A in LGBTQIA+ made space for us. By the year of 2011, I began to see space made in the queer community as a whole for asexual folks. Many empathized with our struggle to find a place of belonging, especially bisexual and trans folks that had been overshadowed by the L and the G for decades. This was a magical moment for me. I didn’t get queer theory at this point. I didn’t totally understand gender & sexuality studies at 16. There was just a piece of me that finally felt welcome. I was allowed to be myself, and everyone was expected to educate themselves on my lived experience to make that possible. I stopped being bombarded with questions and started being able to talk to asexual lesbian and bi girls, asexual trans folks, and everyone else that showed me that it just might be ok for me to be more complicated than society would like me to be. … I’m typically a person that speaks uniquely in logical & academic terms, but looking back at that moment in time is difficult for me to succinctly verbalize. It is incredible to find a place of belonging… I don’t think I would have survived had I not had a community. Being an asexual teen was only bearable the moment people said “You know what? It sucks that people are shitty to you for not being into sex. You can hang out here, we think you’re pretty cool anyways. If you wanna talk about sex we’re down but we totally respect how you were made and know what it’s like to be forced into being someone you aren’t”. I can prove to you with study upon study that unconditional love and acceptance is absolutely integral to a developing teen, but I don’t think even that would attest enough to how blessed I was to find a community who was ok with the way I was.

Asexuality, Sex, and Rape

This section contains sensitive content that details largely my personal experiences with corrective rape and coercion. If you may have a difficult time reading, give yourself a moment to prepare. I feel that this discussion isn’t nearly whole without this piece.

Firstly, we must discuss the term “corrective rape”. I hear often that it is impossible for me to have experienced corrective rape, as I do not identify as a lesbian woman. Let’s break this down as gently as possible- Firstly, if you’re going to claim that asexual corrective rape is “appropriation” of a lesbian term, I hope you also exclude white lesbians from using that term, seeing as a doctor coined it in discussing the corrective rape of black lesbian women in South Africa. Alternatively, we can understand that it’s a term that very succinctly identifies an experience in which someone is targeted for sexual assault in the attempt to “cure” them of an undesirable sexuality. We really ought to give more credit to black innovations of language in general, but I think you see the point that it’s easier to say “I was correctively raped” than “I was targeted for rape by a bisexual guy that believed that asexuality specifically needed to be raped out of someone”. Hopefully, we’re clear on this now.

In 2012, I met Eric Epperson at an anime-con sort of event. He was a bi cisgender allosexual man. He knew I was asexual, and promised that we could “go slow” if I agreed to date him. Seeing as this was my first ever experience with a relationship (and being autistic and easily manipulated), I naively agreed to date him. He, predictably, did not hold true to his promise and forced me to become sexual with him early on in the relationship by saying “well how will I know you really love me if you’re not willing to make love to me?”. He was very effective at discreetly threatening me with abandonment and slander (and more, later) were I to ever say no to his advances. 

Some months into the abusive relationship, I finally persuaded him to watch a documentary on Asexuality in the hopes that he would learn how uncomfortable I was with sex. He made multiple comments on how effectively raping the male star would make him give up asexuality (He was a “feminist”, though, so he never called what he did rape). He referred to asexuals featured as “creepy freaks”. He boasted about how he had cured me and turned me into a “normal person” by threatening me and guilting me into allowing him to do what he wanted to me. He commented on what a sad, empty life the male star must have, not knowing the joy of having Eric’s dick inside of him. He and his mother, a cisgender bisexual woman, were laughing by the end of the documentary about the “freaks who need help”. Eric later admitted that he targeted me specifically because he was interested in “curing” a “weirdo” like me. He had a phrase for it too. “I’ll turn you Epper-sexual”. He intended, from the start, to “cure” me. 

I’m lucky to have been set free from the relationship, even though it was only because he found a 13-year-old lesbian to “turn eppersexual”.

A month after being let go, I met a stunningly beautiful girl. I’ll call her M. She was incredibly effeminate and reserved and had long, brown, curly hair and freckles. I was smitten. Only being a month away from the abuse, I was in a very vulnerable position and asked her to be my girlfriend. Initially, she was okay with “taking it slow”, but eventually she confessed that she really wanted to have sex with me. Afraid that I would be discounted as a “fake bisexual”, I got incredibly drunk (I became severely alcoholic, but that’s another article) and satisfied her as best I could. It was fine at the time, but the aftermath is why seeing her on campus to this day tears my heart.

We broke up because I was way too traumatized by my abuse to hold together a relationship, and drinking and using all day forced me to drop out of college. We initially had planned to stay friends, until a mutual friend of ours broke up with their girlfriend because she was pressuring them to have sex with her, and they were asexual. They felt it better to break it off than to leave them wanting.

“If you’re asexual, you really need to give that up if you really want to satisfy your partner!” she said. “I mean, Ren did it!”

I called her out for that comment, and we haven’t spoken since.

I’m just one asexual out of millions. The fact that countless others can attest to having dated Ms and Erics should speak volumes- after all, the personal is the political. That is to say, I’m not an isolated case. What happened to me was bred from a culture that, at its core, devalues asexuality. I can only hope that M’s learned better since, but I know for a fact that Eric continues to be on the hunt for kids like who I was.

A Positive Note

That last section was totally trauma central so I’m going to end on a positive note.

To keep what happened to me from happening to others, we need a cultural shift. Rather than attempting to quantify how bad acephobia is compared to transphobia and homophobia etc, we need to realize that every human has an intersectional experience. It’s not a matter that an asexual biromantic black woman is oppressed more than a disabled autistic gay trans man- people living in intersections experience overlaps and magnifications of oppression in such complexities that to state something as over-arching as “any black person is more oppressed than any trans person” is not only devaluing but too simplistic to account for personal experiences. Instead, it would be more accurate to say that the woman and man mentioned earlier experience different disadvantages in society, not more or less.

Not one asexual person is demanding that all allosexual folks stay quiet on their experiences being involved in other intersections of oppression. All we’re asking is a place at the table and a room to feel safe in.

I hope that this article was able to provide positive insight regarding the discourse. Let me know if you have any other questions! 

As always, remember- progress > perfection. 

How do I write an autistic villain without demonizing autism by accident? ;-;

I’m not really sure why you’re messaging this to me. I’m really sorry but I’m not an expert on like.. political stuff about autism stereotyping, just because I’m autistic. And it depends on which country you live in, I know that america has a far more visible sort of cultural presence for stereotypes, due to the whole Autism $peaks controversies. I dont live in america and I’m not super smart or anything, so yeah this is a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you should probably research answers given by other people too. And maybe ask people about the specific circumstances of what you’re writing, like the context of the setting of the story and what the villain is like, etc. I’d be happy to chat to you about that if you need help! (but again, im no expert, lol)

ANYWAY!

My opinion on the subject is that having an autistic villain is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not villainizing autism. Like...* Don’t make the autism the reason theyre a villain.* Don’t make people scared of them because of the autism, rather than because they’re a villain.* Don’t treat their autistic traits as scary or inherantly villainous.* Don’t make anyone insult them for their autism and act like its justified because they’re evil.

And similarly its bad form to do any of that stuff in regard to any sort of minority really. An example that always bugged me is how Excellus from Fire Emblem Awakening is scary and evil because he’s a murderous monster, yet everyone in the game constantly insults him for the fact he acts ambiguously gay/transgender/effeminate. Like, there’s way too many jokes about people finding him ‘disgusting’ because of some random thing he can’t change, like a sexuality, race or mental illness which plenty of non-evil people have too! It also lessens his impact as a villain because the characters barely even address the actual villainous things he does, and he doesnt seem to have any motive at all. They just ride on the whole ‘the audience will find him gross’ thing as a crutch and forgot to bother writing a good villain.

Oh, and your concerns are indeed valid, yo! Sometimes it is important to think about the context you created a character in, even if you didnt intentionally create any negative messages within your writing.It’s just that the case where a character will be seen as villainizing [minority trait] for being a villain... that’s kind of only in a very specific circumstance? its just that this specific circumstance is very very common in mass media nowadays.It’s ‘The Smurfette Principle’.If you only have one character of a minority in your cast, its easy for an uninformed audience to pick up messages that you’re saying ALL members of that minority are the same as them.If you only have one autistic character and he’s the villain, then you might accidentally be villainizing him. In a world where autistic characters being villainized for their autism is already very common, people could just assume you made them autistic for the same reason all those other writers did- because they think it’s ‘scary’. It feeds the stereotype even if you didn’t conciously intend it that way.

So a very very easy way to fix this problem is just to add multiple characters of a minority into your story, filling various roles from villain to hero to helpful npc. or anything you can think of!

Another good quick fix is to have your villain be autistic, but portray their autistic traits as sympathetic/relateable/a humanizing aspect of them. Not just portraying it as something neutral that doesnt make them scary, but going out of your way to add some scenes showing how they’re just like anybody else. Or even making it one of their redeeming traits!It doesn’t have to outright be something like ‘yo being autistic makes me inherantly good and childlike’, which is a stereotype all to itself, lol. But you could show them experiencing predjudice from another character, in a way that makes the audience sympathise. Honestly having a character attack them for being autistic instead of being a villain would be a good way to do this, as long as that character is actually shown as being wrong for what they’re doing. Or simply showing the villain having common autistic traits, facing common problems, doing common everyday things... that can be enough to portray autism positively. Have them shown doing this stuff outside of the situation of them being villainous. It makes them feel more human and less of an abstract symbol of evil. And because these small glimpses of normality are lightening the mood, they become seen as a positive aspect!

KIND OF AN OFFTOPIC TANGEANT SORRYJust my personal experience as an autistic kid experiencing this story... I personally headcanoned Cyrus from pokemon as autistic. Not because he’s ‘scary and emotionless’, but because his backstory was relateable to me as an autistic person. It’s said that his parents were emotionally abusive, and that he had nobody to turn to because everyone thought he was ‘a creepy kid’. And he was able to find solace by obsessing over repairing machines in his bedroom, and apparantly has trouble understanding people because they can’t be fixed as easily. Stuff like maths and science are kind of a stereotypical Special Interest for autistic children to be given in fiction, I guess because it makes you seem more intelligent when you obsess about that instead of video games, norse mythology, or collecting tiny novelty spoons from around the world XD (Yeah i was a weird kid.)So yeah sorry I went a little offtopic there, but the point is that it might have been by accident instead of intention but that villain has a lot of traits that read as autistic. And when i first played Diamond and Pearl I actually disliked him a lot because of that, I felt like they were villainizing someone who seemed relateable and potentially redeemable. I mean, he seemed pretty depressed too! Give that man some therapy! But when I played Platinum and got to learn his backstory I started to feel like the writers actually did want us to feel sympathetic to him, because of how all those ‘scary’ traits were presented so sympathetically. Like.. the backstory isn’t that he became evil because he was an autistic kid who did creepy things like obsess about machinery and suck at social contact. No, he became a villain because he was abused by his parents, him being ‘weird’ is just intended to make it clear here that he didnt deserve it. It makes him pitiable, it makes him relateable, it makes you feel so much more frustrated that nobody listened to him and saved him from that hell, and nobody even seems to remember him fondly, just because he was ‘weird’. And hell, even his ‘emotion is evil’ philosophy seems very relateable to me as an autistic child. It seems like he learned to seclude himself to avoid angering his parents. That’s the impression I got from his final scene in Platinum, where he finally acts angry at you for beating him, then gets angry at himself for expressing emotion and forces himself to go back to how he usually talks. I get a bit pissed off whenever I see fans of the series claim he actually IS emotionless, lol! This scene made it clear to me that this is just a guy who WISHES he was emotionless, somehow seeing it as the only way to be free of pain. Someone who struggles to deal with his own emotions, or feels like he’s disgusting when he expresses them. And this is VERY relateable specifically to an autistic kid who suffered from an abusive parent! “Quiet Hands” is a kind of common concept that autistic kids might experience, that’s the name for a popular ‘parenting technique’ that really fucks people up. Focusing on making your kid never ‘act autistic’, rather than actually helping them understand things. ‘Quiet Hands’ is specifically about slapping or smacking your kid whenever they show stimming behaviour. (Hand flapping being a common way this symptom can manifest.) We’re taught never to be too loud, and to always always have to restrain ourselves to avoid embarassing our parents. We have to try and learn how to act like ‘normal people’ and become scared of harmless parts of our own brain just because theyre ‘embarassing’, leading to even worse emotional problems as an adult. i mean seriously how is it logical to tell a kid who has troubles with social interaction that they shouldnt even practise it?? Plus its a huge mess to teach these kids to do way more emotional labour than neurotypical kids are expected to do, and then treat them like they’re below average intelligence for not being able to do twice as much as everyone else...

ANYWAY! That’s a thinG! Sorry I went rambling off there about how a particular fictional character touched my heart, lol!I just kinda wish he could be canonically autistic, or if I had similar canonically autistic characters to relate to, instead. So i think having more autistic villains can’t be bad, we’re so badly in need of more autistic characters in general! And villains have a unique perspective of being able to hit our emotions the hardest. I think its easier to cry over someone who has a sad backstory of how they became evil, compared to anything else!So yeah what I was trying to say before I went offtopic is that if the backstory is ‘became evil because autism’, then people will complain. But if the backstory is ‘became evil because someone mistreated them because autism’ then that’s a good way to make people sympathise with autism. Aaaaand I’m bad at explaining this, because autism XD Well, i mean, my personal symptoms and lack of diagnosis til I was an adult means that I’m still working on learning how to communicate correctly, I don’t mean every autistic person writes terrible tl;dr advice posts that degrade into pokemon XDOh man i feel embarassed now, you asked me such a polite question and I didnt know how to answer it very well...I just hope maybe I inspired you to go out and do more research, rather than putting you off with my nonsense!

‘A complex presentation.’

It’s me, it was never going to be straightforward, was it?

I have a copy of the letter from the Consultant Psychiatrist who verbally diagnosed the ASD in September. She asked me, on the corridor after the appointment whether I would like a copy, ‘Most people are OK with me just writing to their doctor, would you like me to copy you in?’ ‘Oh, yes PLEASE, for my file!’, then I pulled a face, and said ‘Oh, Gods, trait!’ 

She didn’t send the letter, and, when I phoned the clinic to advise that my GP had a copy, but I didn’t, the receptionist went all frosty on me, insisting I would have to make that request to ‘my worker’, that it wasn’t something she could do. I don’t have an allocated worker at that clinic, it was a one-off diagnostic appointment, the borough has a shortage of Consultant Psychiatrists, so she was mopping up over-spill from other clinics. It had taken ten months for my name to come to the top of her waiting list, and over a year before that for me to have the appointment that put me on the bottom of the referral list. It’s a good job I wasn’t in crisis. I was in crisis, one of my complexities is that I ‘save up’ my emotional and cognitive energy before ‘big’ appointments, and know perfectly well that I’ll fatigue-crash the next day. Trait- meticulous planning to make sure I have at least one escape-route, and ALWAYS turning up half an hour early for appointments.

She hadn’t sent a copy of the letter to me, so I asked the Psychiatrist I saw last week if there would be any reason for withholding the letter. ‘Probably not, but I only skimmed it myself, you can phone the other clinic again.’ Trait- I’d already phoned that clinic, and didn’t want to end up in an argument, if the receptionist was ‘wrong’ again. ‘I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, I can ask him for a copy.’

My GP is adorable, but his appointments are always running late, because he just WILL NOT stop talking. I imagine it’s to break up the monotony of being in a small room all day. I explained that, as per the instructions of the Neurology doctor, I’d been increasing my medication by 10mg every two weeks, but when I was taking 60mg, the side effects were outweighing the benefits of the medication, so I’d stepped-back to 50mg. All clearly communicated, because the GP probably sees dozens of people a day, and can’t be expected to remember all of us. ‘If it saves money, you can prescribe 50mg tablets, instead of 5x10mg boxes.’ Trait, I’m exceptionally linear-logical when I’m on  form. He had a bit of a waffle about the 50mg tablets possibly costing £2 for a month’s supply, whereas the 10mg pills might cost £1 per month, so it wouldn’t make a huge difference, and he wouldn’t prescribe JUST to save the NHS £3 a month. Yes, I know, I’m asking for the 50mg pills, it wasn’t you that suggested it. 

‘While I am here, the letter from the psychiatrist, is there anything in it I’m not allowed to see?’

‘I don’t think so, it’s just that sometimes medical people use terminology that’s not always easy for patients to understand, it can be a bit, erm, clinical, or technical.’

‘I can spell subarachnoid haemorrhage, if there’s a word I don’t understand, you can bet your bum I’ll look it up, and cross-check it.’

He pressed print. I’ve only read it a couple of times, so it isn’t entirely committed to memory, it will be soon enough though, trait- my skim-reading speed is phenomenal, and my retention borderline terrifying. ‘Complex PTSD, query Autistic Spectrum Traits- to be referred for full assessment.’ Further along in the letter she notes that some of my historical difficulties have been exacerbated by the brain injuries, but that I have shown ‘remarkable resilience’ in building a life for myself, despite all of these issues. Get me, not only am I ‘complex’, I’m also ‘remarkable.’

I’d already messaged my Mother to ask if she’d be my ‘person who knew me as a child’, last night, I messaged my Father and Brother. My brother is on speaking terms with both parents, and I didn’t want a Chinese Whispers scenario where Mum dropped it into conversation with my brother, who might then mention it to Dad. Trait- I think around corners. A fair few people have responded ‘I thought everyone knew.’ when I’ve mentioned the diagnosis.  I’ve always been a bit odd, something of an outsider, I’m smirking at a line in the letter ‘even now, as an adult, she only has two or three friends.’  I never could do the superficial-social stuff, I could mask my difficulties enough to pass for something approaching normal, but it was exceptionally draining. There was a thread on Twitter yesterday, about difficulties Autistic people have in employment. The ‘sociable’ thing came up over and over again ‘come out for a drink’ ‘come over for coffee’ ‘team night out’, and all of that malarkey. Trait- I was with my last employer for 14 years, I went ‘out with colleagues’ once, and it was an absolute disaster, the sensory overload was massive, so I drank too much, too quickly, to try to muffle the external stimulus. 

Sensory overload is a huge issue for some of us, ‘normal’ levels of sound, and light can be excruciating, The teaching assistant who always insisted on turning the lights on, or opening the blinds in my office, the screechy conversations about Slimming World, the stench of make-up, hair-product and perfumes. Don’t get me started on people eating noisily in the office. Before the brain injuries, I had mostly been able to ‘wing it’, although I was well known for flinging myself into other people’s offices, and saying ‘She is doing that THING with her tea’, or ‘She is eating an apple and it sounds like a HORSE.’ or ‘I think that one has BATHED in perfume this morning.’ The no-touching-rule was another dead give-away, and my dislike of ‘chokey’ jumpers touching my throat, my refusal to wear tights, the way I wouldn’t wear footwear that made a ‘clop’ sound that echoed down the corridors. 

I can usually communicate well enough to get by, but that’s a learned behaviour, and I have a million and one rules about how I speak to different people, my pitch, pace, tone and content are very deliberate, and because I know my ‘rules’ for communicating, I’m exceptionally conscious if other people are ‘off’. That goes on job applications as ‘able to listen to what is said, and what is not-said.’

High-functioning females with ASD slip through the diagnostic net because girls are conditioned differently to boys, or we were historically, small, quiet, polite, pretty. I do hope that’s dying out now. I’m smirking at the differences between my brother and I growing up, he was always getting into fights, coming home with broken spectacles, and skinned knees, I was relentlessly bullied, possibly because they knew I wouldn’t fight back. I was bright, and quiet, a watchful little creature, I mixed with the boys more than the girls because the boys seemed more  straightforward, they didn’t have secret rules, and hierarchical cliques. I still don’t ‘get’ most women, my closest friends are male. The parts of the media drawing attention to Greta Thunberg not wearing make-up, having her hair tied back simply, and wearing trousers, not dresses are playing into the ‘boys do this, and girls do that’ mentality. Greta being ‘out’-Autistic could turn out to be a double-edged sword, it’s good that more people are aware of Autism-not-Rainman, but there will still be the people who choose not to broaden their understanding. There’s a possibility that there will be a spike in females being diagnosed, it’s taken me three years, because of the prescriptive-restrictive way the NHS is structured. CAMHS has even longer waiting times, I worked with a student with AS traits, and it took two years to have him reliably allocated, he had four different workers over a period of four months. Trust is a big deal for some of us, the final worker met with me first, and then did a seamless hand-over. I trusted him, and my student saw that, so he trusted my judgement. There’s a possibility that high-functioning girls will be bounced out of the system because we pass too well, and will be accused of copy-cat mimicry of Greta. I’ve done the ‘not-disabled-enough’ battle with DWP and PIP, there’s a fair chance that I won’t have a full/formal diagnosis before my PIP is reviewed. ‘Not-autistic-enough’?  

I don’t give my other kids enough credit 💙

I’m immensely proud beyond words of my older two children they are 16 and 11 and have taken oscars diagnosis and the challenges it brings and change to our lives completely in their stride , not only that they are his two biggest fans , to think how well established we were as a family before Oscar, Orla was just starting secondary school and Lorcan had started year 1 , Orla the performer who lead our diary with her dance school shows, festivals, and auditions through her agent in London, and Lorcan the baby of the family has us all eating from the palm of his hand , when I told them I was having another baby I just put the scan photo on the desk and said what’s that?? , Orla knew 💙but Lorcan let out a huge YEESSSSSS 🎉🎉🎉were getting a new puppy! So the journey began, a difficult pregnancy I was measuring 45 weeks by 32 I had way too much water, a breech baby with the cord around his neck , not to mention I was the actual size of a bus! I couldn’t really fit in the car by the end .

  They soon adapted to having a baby brother, both so proud of him and he seemed to just slot in, he soon developed the nickname robobaby as he literally ate and slept, or sat starring  into space, very little demand , didn’t dislike attention but didn’t demand it either ,he ate and slept well , he presented as a well developing baby until around 9 months old, no concerns at all , he fell backwards from a chair and knocked himself out for 45 minutes,  whilst in France literally the worst day of my life I will never forget it ,he was seen in hospital and had concusion, I honestly feel this was the turning point for him, he literally changed after that he wasn’t as knowing I felt and then our journey began 💙

im not sure and will never know if it was his headbang, that caused the autism or related issues he has and maybe he was born like it    , it’s nice to think I could blame that however guilt would then be attached, to that for me as I couldn’t catch him , maybe I just didn’t notice before I suppose I will never know , but for his siblings our lives gradually changed dramatically but slowly and I’m so proud of them, as they adapted and do so even now , Orla’s managed to sit her GCSES, get good grades she maintains a place at Westend kids  performing troupe in London and attends a musical theatre corse and full time stage school  at college, Lorcan has started year 7 he’s very sensitive and a lovely funny boy he’s adjusted so well .

there adaptability has been outstanding our family is very different, there’s less freedom we’re are dictated too by autism, but they make the best of it , they are both great advocates for anyone with special needs and both talk openly, about Oscar growing up and the parts they plan to play in his life, and his care, to them he is equal but different he is special but the sky’s the limit , I love there outlook . 💙💙💙💙

as a parent  of 16 yrs 11yrs,5 yrs which was the worst family planning in the entire world , I’m mindful of Orla becoming a young adult and needing a mentor,  boys are off the menu for how much longer! She’s maturing the worlds not as kind as she thinks it is   .

lorcan aged 11 fortnight obsessed , fruit dodging typical boy very loving ,also needs a mentor  , both have learned when it’s time to step back, no words needed both consider what Brendan and I face, and are helpful they are also very loving to Oscar even when he’s not always so loving back ! And I really feel growing up with autism ,which can take you prisoner unless you set the rules , it can actually make you more flexible in thinking and more tolerant also , I feel there are huge benefits for  them but also Oscar, he has two advocates and friends for life which for a mum to know is everything, as who knows if we will ever make friends , but it is hard on them I know this, and I’m mindful that they also get enough time with Oscar , also time out together to maintain there strong bond, time with all of us together is very precious and I feel they need one to one time with each of us also , that’s a lot of time to manage !!!!when we have so little , that’s why I plan ahead plan well and always have a back up plan and keep everyone emotionally fed 💙

Oscar has a very autism aware extended family ,also and a very close group of cousins on both sides that are amazing supports to him and, Orla and Lorcan I hope they remain close always 💙 

for me my therapy is this blog, networking with other parents ( I love people) and I chat to everyone, I feel kindness is free and encourage my children to be kind to others at all costs 💙

 work with what you have people💙

Write your own story💙 

Orla and like an take any affection they can get from Oscar it’s very rare💙it makes photos like this super special  

Richard Hood 12-25-14

           My perfect holiday occurred on December 25th, 2014. It was spent crisscrossing the North American continent visiting different railroading- and sports-related destinations. I chose to spend my holiday that way rather than doing “normal” holiday things, visiting with relatives, opening presents, etc. for several reasons. For one, I have been a huge train buff for as long as I can remember. I have also been a passionate sports enthusiast for several years, a passion that was helped along by my dad’s love for auto racing. However, that passion doesn’t carry over to the holidays, as I have had a great dislike for them since I was 11. That dislike has also been growing with each successive year. A combination of all of those factors led me to carefully plan my dream holiday around my interests, and that dream came into fruition on Thursday, December 25th, 2014.

           My interest in trains goes back as far as I can remember. It started when I was approximately 3 years old and I started reading/watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and also attending the Strasburg Rail Road’s “Day Out with Thomas” events. I then became interested in model trains, and my passion for trains and railroading has grown and matured steadily since then. That interest spawned interests in history, geography and numbers/statistics, which are all things that show up frequently in my myriad railroad books. That interest in geography, history, and stats led me to read many statistics-laden books, including Sports Illustrated’s Year in Sports 2006, which in turn got me interested in sports. That interest was helped by my dad’s passion for auto racing, and, indeed, some of the best memories my dad and I ever shared were at auto races and other sporting events. Unfortunately, those memories weren’t the order of the day for my dad and me, and, sometimes, especially around the holidays, I would call on my imagination and my railroading and sports passions to help me forget about the ordeal of visiting my dad.

           My dislike of the holidays started, I’m pretty sure, because of my Autism. The disease caused me to have a hard time interacting with people, especially when those people are making advances and trying to talk directly to me. Autism has also made it hard for me to handle chaotic situations, such as the craziness associated with holiday parties and the like, and also to deal with getting out of a routine. As that pertains to the holidays, I have to deal with being off of school for anywhere from 1 ½ to 2 weeks for something that I don’t really observe, namely the religious holiday of Christmas, and that lack of a routine leads to depression and withdrawal. My issues with transition and desire to work during winter break sometimes leads to people thinking I am weird, but I have persevered through those criticisms this year and am writing this essay anyway. In addition to my Autism, another cause of my feelings toward the holidays was my dad’s alcoholism and his subsequently poor treatment of me. Around Christmas, that meant he would exploit my Autism and harass me about my dislike of the holidays. He would also badger me to receive presents and in other ways be involved in holiday-related festivities. The final straw came when my grandfather passed away in 2009, and my dad and his mother and sister were hell-bent on spending the money they got from my grandfather’s will on holiday gifts for me. This meant that I would always be pressured whenever I visited my dad, and, after enduring that treatment for the Christmases of 2009 and 2010, I never again saw my dad at the holidays. He then passed away in 2013, but I fear that my aunt didn’t learn her lesson, and may still try to pressure me into getting presents and being involved in all the festive baloney of the holidays. In addition to everything that occurred with my dad, I had a major surgery this year, which caused a lot of anxiety and depression, and that depression and anxiety has been magnified during the holiday season.

           The 2014 holiday season arrived, and with it came much dread, gloom, and anxiety for me. To improve my depression, I began planning for my dream holiday. Then, begrudgingly, I woke up at 2; 22 AM on Christmas Day knowing that this holiday would be lacking one thing: snow. So I looked at the clock, said “Bah, humbug”, in an angry, growling voice, and then decided to get up and go to the bathroom, before going back to sleep for the rest of the day. I then went back to sleep with visions of trains, snow, and baseball games circulating in my head. Suddenly, I felt my body slipping away, and then I heard a loud and shrill whaa-whaa-wha-whaa sound that I recognized immediately as a train whistle.

           When I opened up my eyes, what a beautiful sight I saw! A large railroad yard covered by a heavy, wet blanket of snow. However, I didn’t know where I was until I saw a sign on the station that read “Brockville, Ontario”. When I walked into the depot, I spied a pair of overalls and put them on. Then, instead of seeing a railroad official as I had wanted, I saw the living legend, Casey Jones, in the station. He was running the eastbound International Limited and he asked if I wanted to ride in the cab with him. Without hesitation, I said an emphatic “Yes!” before asking how long our train would be and what engine we would be using. Casey said that the train would be 15 cars long, and our engine would be No. 6027, which weighs in at over half a million pounds. I asked Casey if he had experience running such a large engine at such high speeds, and he looked at me and he said “you’re in good hands”.

           15 minutes later, the International Limited was ready to roll, and the great Casey Jones slowly climbed into the engine’s cab. After giving a loud blast on the whistle, he slowly ushered the heavy train out of the station. Soon, the train began to pick up speed, as we followed the Canadian National’s water-level line. I spent most of the journey with my head out of the window, taking in the smell of the crisp air, punctuated only by the occasional face-full of soot and other railroad crud. “This is paradise”, I exclaimed, as the train sped along the CN’s well-engineered mainline.

           All too soon, though, the journey ended, as Casey Jones brought the International Limited into its destination station, Montreal, Quebec’s Central Station. I thanked Casey for my awesome trip, and stepped from the engine. I was very tired and smelled like coal, oil, and all matter of other railroad dirt, but I was still very pleased with myself. After hitting the sack at the depot, I felt myself slipping away again, only to find myself in the heart of Brooklyn, New York, on April 29th, 2012.

           I arrived in Brooklyn just in time to see the start of a vintage baseball game between the Flemington Neshanock club and the New York Gothams. I would later find out that the Neshanocks had earlier in the day defeated the Columbus Capitols by a score of 9-8. This game would see Flemington defeat the Gothams by a 19-4 margin. It was a style of baseball I had never seen before, and I enjoyed it very much. After the game ended, I found my way toward Atlantic Avenue, a major thoroughfare in Brooklyn, and saw someone climbing through a manhole cover. When I asked him who he was and what he was doing, he said that he was a historian named Bob Diamond, and he was exploring a tunnel under Atlantic Ave. that may conceal an abandoned train station and steam locomotive which may hold clues into the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln.

           After receiving a safety briefing, Bob Diamond and I climbed down into the bowels of Brooklyn. “Gosh, this would be a good place to put some annoying kids”, I thought to myself, as I trudged through the tunnel. After a few minutes, we came to a wall in the tunnel, and behind the wall, Bob believes, is where the abandoned locomotive and station platform are. Sure enough, after waiting an hour for the wall to be chiseled out, I saw a tall object that I recognized as a steam locomotive’s smokestack, and, looking down, I saw an engine with the word Hicksville engraved on its side. The name comes from a town served by the Long Island Rail Road, the engine’s original owner. After looking the engine over, Bob and I deemed it and the old platform to be important historical artifacts, because of the connection to Abraham Lincoln, and we deemed them also to be in good condition. I left New York after discovering these artifacts, but not before making a call to the Railroad Museum of Pennsylvania, who agreed to purchase and attempt to restore the engine buried in the tunnel.

           When I returned home, the first thing I heard my mom say was “Where were you all day?” I then looked at the clock and saw that it was 5; 30 PM, and, when I asked my mom what day it was, she said it was Thursday, December 25th, 2014. I was tired, sweaty, and dirty, and, in response to my mom’s question of where I was, I said “I’ll give you 3 guesses and your first 2 don’t count”. My mom’s first 2 guesses, in order, were “a railroad yard” and “some sporting event”. “That’s right”, I said, in response to her guesses. I then elaborated by saying “time flew by so fast that I got to ride in the cab with Casey Jones on the Canadian National, see a vintage baseball game, and save some important historical artifacts that had been abandoned in New York City for over 150 years. Meanwhile, what’d you guys do. Oh, that’s it”, I exclaimed, clapping myself on the forehead, “you wasted  a perfectly good day by yapping, opening gifts, and partying. And, man, you would have loved my train adventure, because I got to be in Canada in the snow, and it was the best holiday ever!”.

Autism Myths: Intentional Misrepresentation & Sociopaths

I don't know why neurotypicals are so intent to attack, undermine, smear, and even go so far as to character assassinate not just autistic people, but the type of mind in general, unless I'm incredibly right about NT tribalism and they just can't help themselves. It's fascinating just how many parallels I can draw between the NT 'scientist' and baloney systems of faith and religion. As an autistic person, I have an incredibly clear view of this, my mind just strips away the nonsense and sees things for what they truly are. I already spoke of the Cult of Dark Matter, and how that's turned into something that's the contemporary equivalent of 'finding God,' instead of just admitting that a.) our estimations of mass within our galaxy may be wrong, and b.) Erik Verlinde might actually be correct. The attitude toward autism is very similar to the Cult of Dark Matter, Creationism, and other things you probably should be weary of. The reasons why will become rather obvious as you read this and things fall into place. I'll open by saying that I don't think there's such a thing as an NT 'scientist.' The NT 'scientist' is like HR from CW's Flash. They're all about pomp and marketing, but they lack the level of necessary objectivity to engage in actual science. Their 'science' is all about sensationalism and the rise of neurotypical extraverts in science has lead to the shoddy state it's in right now (read here and here and here). Science used to be much more a field dominated by the a gamut of different kinds of minds, but as it shifts towards neurotypical extraversion it's losing cohesion and worth. A part of why NTs make for bad scientists is that they can't leave their tribalism behind. If you need to understand this, read my prior post on autism myths, and some others on my blogs. NTs have a very binary, absolute outlook on the world, very 1 and 0. The NT is 1, everyone else is 0, that's how they define their incredibly simplistic hierarchy. If you're not 1, if you're not of the NTs in-group, you're 0 and thus subhuman. This is how prejudices occur. This is how a gay person who's experienced bigoted hate can turn around and act like a hateful bigot toward trans people, because they can't stop being tribal. This doesn't happen with other spectrums who'll advocate trans right every bit as much as their own. In fact, autism is quite prevalent amongst trans people.

NTs will even try to tell you they’re more attractive for being the for being the 1 to your 0. They might even use some entertainingly bollocks-laden 'science' to try to prove it. Which will then be deconstructed by someone actually intelligent. Still, the fact that they made the effort is somewhat telling, isn't it? You see, NTs are perfect and so they must also be the most attractive, too. That's simply science! Oh dear.

NTs will also tell you that children who dislike making eye contact are racist, let’s just ignore the studies that show that eye contact is painful for autistic people. But nah, it can’t be that! Autistic people are racist, obviously.

The reason why it goes this way? The tribalism of the neurotypical spectrum's mind makes them incredibly selfish, they're all about themself or their group. The interesting part is is that that selfishness can be subverted if they believe it's in the interest of their in-group. This is why for affiliative extraverts they can put the interests of their in-group above their own even when it's harmful for them to do so. Sociopaths are masters at manipulating them to do this, which ultimately benefits the sociopath at the expense of the affiliative extravert. This is simply how they function, however, there's little that can be done about it. It's unfortunate, but they don't have the Theory of Mind enough to be self aware of this manipulation. What this means is that it's incredibly easy to spot someone on the NT spectrum versus all others. If, say, a person has autism, Williams syndrome, or any other number of mental ‘disorders’ they're likely to have avoided the curse of the NT tribal world view. These other spectrums won't view the world in this black & white, arbitrarily binary way, they won't see things in absolutes of 'my tribe' and 'their tribe' in the way that the NT mind always does. Whatever fluke of evolution has occurred, it's given them self awareness enough to want to expunge this from their outlook. It's fascinating to me because you can even see it in how the neurotypical spectrum views the world. Consider: "I am neurotypical. I am the basis, the default. I am 1. I am normal. I am the standard. I am health. I am perfection. I am the embodiment of correctness against which every other is to be judged. If you differ from me, then you are 0. You are flawed, you embody problematic elements which are contrary to my default status and thus you are inferior." The very concept of 'neurotypical' is oh so, so, so very telling. You'd have to be blind not to see it, and this is only a problem that the NT brain suffers from. And yet, the NT mind is sadly lacking in Theory of Mind to the point where there's no self awareness of this flaw, it escapes their own perception. And if they don't see it, then it doesn't exist. Do you see? And this is something that only the neurotypical spectrum cannot be aware of as their mind is designed specifically to lack self awareness of this factor, to ensure that they play it up as much as possible. Other spectrums are, in various degrees, less prone to tribalism and/or more profoundly aware of it. The NT cannot be aware of their own tribalism. What this leads to, of course, is that the NT will always try to smear anyone that the NT believes to be 0 to their 1. I see this in bad science, in religious people, in politics, in just about any field that's dominated by the neurotypical spectrum. Consider politics: "Our party is 1, all of our ideas are the right ones and we will never back down. Your party is 0, every idea you have is toxic, evil, and wrong so we'll fight it at every turn." This is true with marketing as well. And marketing fascinates me. Did you read that prior post where I spoke of how autistic people are less prone to the marketing brainwash? That was based on an actual study. This study points out that autistic people are better able to make consistent decisions without being controlled by marketers. So I ask you, why do you think that is? Why do you think that autistic people aren't so vulnerable to bias and marketing trickery? Tribalism. Affiliative extraverts are easily brainwashed into adopting a tribe, sociopaths (and to a lesser extent, agentic extraverts) are incredible at pulling their strings, something about how their brain functions has given them a startling expertise at manipulating affiliative extraverts. And there are more affiliative extraverts on earth than any other kind of human being. Which makes this tricky, and sometimes, even dicy for others. Affiliative extraverts are the group thought of when one says 'the masses,' thier actions are dictated to them by social structures, marketing, the media, and outside sources. They don't seem to make very many of their own decisions, they just go with the flow and obey whatever the Zeitgeist is, locking in with it as much as possible. I spoke of this earlier as well where even affiliative extraverts who're poor will buy expensive branded goods just to fit in. Tribalism is powerful. I'm more sure of this than anything else I've ever been, it's the one thing I want to contribute to humanity so that everyone can realise that there are aspects of every spectrum which could be considered problematic. There isn't one perfect, pure, default spectrum. The fact that they believe that is evidence of the disordered tribal thinking I speak of, the kind that they lack Theory of Mind enough to actually perceive. It always vexes me just how lacking in Theory of Mind the average neurotypical is when it comes to this topic, because you can present them with all the evidence you can find, directly, and they'll still deny it. They'll even then turn around later and say that they don't like some ethnicity because reasons, you'll point this out to them, as one does, and they'll come up with the most specious, nonsensical arguments to support it. This has been my ongoing experience with affiliative extraverts. In the UK, Nigel Farage is an expert sociopath who was fantastic at manipulating affiliative extraverts to be racist. He puts up this fucking awful ad (which I've used as the picture accompanying this post) that's an utter fallacy about immigration, which autistic people call him on. So what do the affiliative extraverts do? They go out and harass Polish people and shove dog shit through their letter boxes, they deface a Polish community centre with obscenities (in London, which is supposed to be the most progressive place in Britain, or so they say), and worse. Why do you hate Poliish people, affiliative extraverts? There'll be more specious, nonsensical arguments than you can shake a stick at, but once you bat all those down it ultimately results in "I don't know." I know why. Because Nigel Farage told you to. And you obeyed. It's that simple. Affiliative extraverts are that simple. So, here's the thing. When Nigel Farage put up that racist advert filled with so much BS it made my head spin? Every autistic person I know of called him on it. And not even one of the neurotypicals we knew of did. Why? This benefited the agentic extraverts and sociopaths, of course, by giving them even more power by removing invasive cultures which might challenge their power. They're afraid of sociopaths and agentic extraverts of other cultures coming in and taking over their herds. And the affiliative extraverts? "WE OBEY." Just like bloody daleks. I've never met an affiliative extravert that's able to think for themself. Please, prove me wrong. I'd love to see any evidence to the contrary because every day I see more evidence that supports my view of the neurotypical spectrum. I'm always trying to look for evidence which is contrary to that, something that might tell me I'm wrong, I'm almost desperate in doing this. I have to be careful though because I don't want to end up doing the Cult of Dark Matter thing but from the opposite end of wanting to prove myself wrong. At some point I just have to accept that this is how things are. I think I write these articles to spread this awareness and to give people a chance to challenge me, still. So, anyway, that's how the neurotypical spectrum works. Yes, affiliative extraverts really are sheeple. I'm sorry. We can beat around the bullshit bush all day, if you'd like. We can argue semantics, I can call you on manipulative nonsense, and we can play silly games. The truth is is that agentic extraverts and sociopaths would rather that affiliative extraverts weren't aware of how herd-like they are, how easily controlled, how simple it is to edit their behavioural patterns just by shifting their perspective of how their tribe behaves. If I'm wrong about affiliative extraverts? Explain the study about how people view the Apple logo with the same religious zeal as Christians view imagery of Christ. I want you to think about this. Don't just accept my views, look into it for yourself. If you agree, that's fine, but always agree because you couldn't defeat this perspective yourself. Those tested in that particular study were affiliative extraverts, as there are more of those than any other kind of person. They were looking for Apple loyalists, after all. If they'd done that test on any other kind of brain, they would've found that effect to be greatly reduced or non-existent. It's similar to Creationists, isn't it? Proper science discovers that dinosaurs have feathers. What happens next? Sociopaths undermine this by saying that science ruined dinosaurs. But wait, the kind of sociopath saying this is a Creationist! There's something going on, here. You see, Creationists don't believe dinosaurs actually existed. So what's happening? These religious sociopaths are using manipulation tactics to undermine their flock's faith in science, they'll do this any way they can with whatever cheap, base trickery is available to them. This is what happens. Affiliative extraverts are sheep who'll believe anything that agentic extraverts and sociopaths tell them, because that's how their spectrum works. You see, all minds on the neurotypical spectrum possess manipulative traits, it's just the further you move toward sociopathy and away from affiliative, the stronger those traits become. And all minds on the spectrum have a certain weakness to it. Yes, even the sociopaths are weaker against this kind of manipulation than other spectrums (such as autism). This is why we always see these tribes trying to manipulate one another, to undermine the others. And sociopaths, due to a lack of self awareness, will try to pull this on groups involved in other spectrums. The thing is? It won't work. We're obviously going to call them on it due to our immunity to these shenanigans. There's a reason why the autistic mind doesn't fall prey to marketing, quod erat demonstrandum. And this brings me to my point. I was reading this article about Williams syndrome and it amazed me just how much the author (who I quickly identified as an agentic extravert) tried to use Williams syndrome to demean autistic people. They also undermined Williams syndrome as well. Can we consider what they're saying?

Williams syndrome is a genetic disorder versus the default state of neurotypicality.

Empathy is problematic if you have more than the default NT level of it.

Autism is the opposite of Williams syndrome as it doesn't experience much empathy.

Autistic people won't say "I love you." in excess.

Autistic people hate hugs and other kinds of physical contact.

Pushing the myth that oxytocin is Universally a 'love hormone.'

Pushing the harmful idea that autism needs to be 'cured.'

Empathy is seen as a disability in Japan.

The article praises the book for not being exploitative.

Let's tackle each of these individually.    Williams syndrome is a genetic disorder versus the default state of neurotypicality. I contest this. I say that it requires a greater degree of understanding so that those on this particular spectrum can better integrate into society but I contest the idea that a mind is disordered simply for functioning differently than the perceived neurotypical norm. I absolutely despise this idea, it leaves me feeling livid. Yes, they might require more help because they may be more vulnerable, especially with all of those manipulative NT sharks they'd have to deal with, but they aren't disordered. It's simply that their brain functions differently. This perspective that everything that isn't NT is disordered is nonsense. And it's toxic, harmful, and frankly evil nonsense. It's the kind of nonsense that allowed atrocities to be committed against the Jews by the Nazis, because the Germanic people were convinced (affiliative sheep that they were) to believe that Jews were inferior and responsible for many of their woes. This is no different. This is exactly the same sort of toxic thinking that allows atrocities to happen. So, no. Williams isn't disordered, it's just vulnerable because neurotypicals are so exploitative and those on the Williams spectrum simply don't have the tools to deal with those encounters. When someone becomes old, are they 'disordered' for being vulnerable?    Empathy is problematic if you have more than the default NT level of it. Really? Why? Yes, it can lead to more suffering because neurotypical spectrum sociopaths exploit this for their own gain, but why is it perceived as a negative to have more empathy? I don't like this. I think that empathy is necessary for us to learn to stop being horrible to one another. Empathy is the natural counter to exploitation.    Autism is the opposite of Williams syndrome as it doesn't experience much empathy. This is fascinating. A moment ago the author was saying that it's problematic to have too much empathy, now there's this negative tone to their article while talking about autism for not having enough of it. So, which is it? Is it bad to have too much, or too little? I think the idea here, of course, is that you need exactly the correct amount, the NT amount. Which frankly isn't very much at all as we know for a fact that both minds with both Williams and autism alike possess much, much more empathy than neurotypical minds. That isn't what the article writer is saying, though, I know. They're pulling an old autism myth out of the bag that autism has less empathy than the neurotypical mind does. This has been disproven time and time again, I'm sick of hearing this particular myth. I know from my interactions with neurotypicals that I have far more empathy than they could ever hope to. The anecdotal account, for example, of the NT a horrific act on television and putting their hand to their mouth and gasping, but then having forgotten about it fifteen minutes later versus how other minds (autistic, introverted, Williams, et cetera) will internalise it and be bothered by it for weeks to come. NTs would love for us to believe they're empathetic but even affiliative extraverts on the NT spectrum have a marked lack of empathy. The neurotypical spectrum just doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. Yes, affiliatives have a little bit more than agentics and sociopaths, but it's dwarfed by the sheer levels of empathy in autistic, introverted, and Williams minds. The neurotypical mind makes a pretence of empathy (hand over mouth), but doesn't really feel the experience like other minds do.    Autistic people won't say "I love you." in excess. This one is news to me. My partner tells me that I say this too much, that sometimes I say it so often that it makes them uncomfortable. It's just that due to autism being functionally introverted, I don't interact with a lot of people. The ones I do interact with, though, I will regularly tell that I love. Of course, the NT mind only recognises extraversion, everything else is an inferior state, so if the autistic person isn't telling everyone they love them, then according to the absolute binary perceptions of the NT mind, they never do it at all. Autistic people are prone to saying "I love you." in excess, but just not to a group of people. You see, Williams is like an autistic form of extraversion, versus the low empathy, lacking in self awareness, manipulative, and exploitative NT form of extraversion. Williams minds have more in common with the autistic mind due to how both types of mind experience an excess of empathy, whereas neurotypical minds don't experience much empathy at all. And it's funny because the more extraverted empathy of the Williams mind also clearly makes the article writer very uncomfortable.    Autistic people hate hugs and other kinds of physical contact. Um. Yes we do. I love hugs. I seek out hugs at every opportunity. The thing here, though, is that because we can get overloaded, there's a protocol to it. So we prefer it when people ask first before just lunging at us. And there's something about an NT hug that feels... wrong. I don't know how to explain it, it just doesn't feel real. I don't like it. It feels fake, like they're doing it out of a social need rather than an empathetic one, it's all fake with them. I'm left feeling deeply uncomfortable after an NT hug. It's just disturbing. One thing about autism (and I bet this is true of Williams, too) is that we have an empathy radar, of sorts. We know when NTs are faking something. We know when someone is hurt, or happy, and nothing can be hidden from us. This has made numerous people I've known very unhappy and uncomfortable as they can't hide anything from me. My senses will just hone in on anything that seems wrong and fixate on it. From reading boards like Wrong Planet (an autistic forum), I know I'm not alone in these experiences. So I don't like hugs from NTs. They feel excrutiatingly fake. I don't like how they leap at me without asking, first, only to just do this cold feeling, fake hug that I don't enjoy. With autistic people we ask first, then we hug, and it feels real. There's warmth there that an NT hug just can't compare to. This means, of course, that autistic people don't like hugs just because we're not into hugs from NTs. That's obviously what it means. Yes.    Pushing the myth that oxytocin is Universally a 'love hormone.' This one is dangerous. Now, Williams minds might have found a way to avoid the bad aspects of oxytocin, which is awesome. I'd like to take that and copy-paste it across all brains as that's a handy quality. I'm not being sarcastic, here, because looking at Williams syndrome I do believe that that might be the case. Their minds might have cracked how to use oxytocin in a good way, without the incredibly dangerous side effects. What dangerous side effects? Well, in NTs, it makes them even more tribal. Check out this study about how oxytocin can fuck you up. An NT on oxytocin would choose to save the life of one person of their own ethnicity, gender, and age over a group of people of different ethnicities, genders, and ages. In the NT brain, oxytocin dials the tribalism dial up to 11. This isn't the kind of thinking you want to see someone exhibit if they have to make a decision about the balance of life. Choosing one life over 20 lives, 10, or even five other lives is never the correct choice. So, in NT brains, oxytocin is very, very dangerous. It means that the NT would happily allow diversity to die if it meant that a smaller number of 'their own kind' were to survive. This isn't something that we want to see more of. This is something we want to see LESS of.    Pushing the harmful idea that autism needs to be 'cured.' Yes. Yes. Yes. Autism is a disease. It needs to be cured. Blah, blah, blah. Let's not actually ask autistic people what they want, or care what they think. Let's just accept our cures handed down to us by the Great, Glorious White Hope of the NT. I don't even know how to deal with this. What next, NT? Black skin is a disease and we should use CRISPR to cure that so that they can be as White as you are? Fucking hell. I don't even want to dwell on this one. Suffice it to say? It's bullshit. There are different kinds of brains, there is no Universally disordered or ordered brain. That's just ridiculous and they should know better, but they can't get away from their tribal-oriented thinking, and how it locks them into binary absolutes. NTs are just so lacking in Theory of Mind that they can't even realise just how tribal they are. Hey everyone, did you hear? If you're not NT, you're fucked up! You need to be cured! Also white. And straight. And anything else the NT values.    Empathy is seen as a disability in Japan. Are... Are you okay, Clare? Are you doing alright, there? Clare being the article author. I mean, that's a really, really fucked up thing to say. As someone who's taken in plenty of Japanese media, and is familiar with philosophies like Shinto and Bushido, I have to call this out. Bushido even goes so far as to say that it's important to be empathetic to the needs of your lord even if it comes at the expense of your own wellbeing. There are a number of cornerstones of Japanese culture which are built on empathy. Did Clare just take a look at a bunch of Japanese people, see some introverts who aren't constantly faking empathy, and then decide that they must have none? Oh, good job! That's some solid journalism, that is. It's hard to write at the moment as I'm stopping to facepalm every few seconds due to just how fucked up that is. It's typical, though, isn't it? Clare is obviously a Westerner, likely American. It's culturally apt in America for NTs to be very fake about their lack of empathy, to put it on even when they aren't feeling it. Obviously, that fakeness is the correct way to go, Japan's introversion means they have no empathy! No, dear. It just means that Japan doesn't fake empathy.    The article praises the book for not being exploitative. Funny that. Shame we can't say the same about the article, which is clearly using the book to push its own agenda. New Scientist should be ashamed. Another day, another round of NTs billiously spewing dialectic diarrheoa about autism. And anyone wonders why we suffer with depression. Really.

all the questions

Fiiiiiiiiiiiine0:Height6′1″, possibly 6′2″ now. Not measured it in ages1:Virgin?Yep2:Shoe sizeabout 10 and a half to 11 in uk sizes3:Do you smoke?Nope4:Do you drink?Nope5:Do you take drugs?Nothing except medical stuff and far too much caffine6:Age you get mistaken formid 20s7:Have tattoos?Nope8:Want any tattoos?Kind of, but I have no idea what I’d get. Probably something from Vampire: The Masquerade tbh.9:Got any piercings?Nope10:Want any piercings?Not Really11:Best friend?Friends. Plural. @queenlicatastrophe​ @his-highness-amari​ and Sol. who no longer has tumblr.12:Relationship statusSingle13:Biggest turn onsMakeup, on pretty much anyone.14:Biggest turn offsBeing an asshole15:Favorite movieNever ask me my favourite anything. It changes like every time I remember something new.16:I’ll love you ifYou stick with me even as I’m trying to convince you I don’t deserve it17:Someone you missPaint. (Please don’t ask. It’s a long story.)18:Most traumatic experienceIt may seem pretty tame, but my dad convincing me not to go to college presenting as a girl with a reasonable argument. Then afterward proving he understood litterally nothing about any of it. While small, it shattered any confidence I’d built up so far and I’m still not back to the level I was at almost a year later.19:A fact about your personalityI’m on the autism spectrum.20:What I hate most about myselfOh god there’s a long list. But most of all it’s probably my anxiety. That’s the root of pretty much everything else.21:What I love most about myselfMy sense of humour22:What I want to be when I get olderVoice actor23:My relationship with my sibling(s)Non-existant. Like my siblings.24:My relationship with my parent(s)Great with my MumOk with my StepmumEh with my DadPretty much Non existant with my Mum’s boyfriend

25:My idea of a perfect dateGoing out to eat, then coming home and snuggling together watching a movie.26:My biggest pet peevesBreaking the rules of a game, activity, etc.27:A description of the girl/boy I likeWhich one?28:A description of the person I dislike the mostThey look just like the person in my selfies.29:A reason I’ve lied to a friendTo keep a cosplay a surprise30:What I hate the most about work/schoolMy manager31:What your last text message says“Either in one of the Drawers in the kitchen or I have some Ill give you when I get in” (I needed some wire cutters. They were not, infact, in the kitchen drawers)32:What words upset me the most“Paint was right about you” (Please don’t ask, it’s a long story.)33:What words make me feel the best about myself“You’re really pretty CC”34:What I find attractive in womenA good personality35:What I find attractive in menA good personality36:Where I would like to liveCan’t think of a specific place. But somewhere kinda quiet, but where I can be close to a lot of my friends.37:One of my insecuritiesGeneral Sexuality38:My childhood career choiceAlien sent by god to help the people of the world. (I wish I was kidding. My parents have thankfully stopped reminding my of this story)39:My favorite ice cream flavorCookies and Cream40:Who wish I could beMyself. I’m slowly getting there I hope.41:Where I want to be right nowWith my friends. God damn oceans42:The last thing I ateSoup43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyStuart Townsend as Dorian Grey in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie.44:A random fact about anythingAccording to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.