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songbirdsanctuary · 3 days

Text

This fic is called, why do I keep making Zeph hurt?

Warnings: This fic talks about not heavily described smut, self-harm

Word count: 2,423

Zedaph sat up in bed, feeling the lingering warmth from the presence of his partners as the other three began to rise. Tango reached for a few wipes and, with a gentle touch, started to clean both himself and Zedaph. Nearby, Impulse and Skizz, already cleaned up, were busy getting dressed, exchanging soft words and occasional glances in Zedaph's direction. As Tango finished and moved away, Zedaph wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, a small fortress of comfort and warmth, and watched them all with a quiet intensity.

Each of them paused briefly by his side, planting a quick kiss on his lips before murmuring their goodbyes and heading towards the door. As Zedaph watched them leave, a pang of sadness welled up inside him, more intense than he had felt before. This routine of theirs, meeting up every two weeks for an intimate night together, had once brought him immense joy and satisfaction. However, lately, the aftermath left him feeling increasingly hollow. The absence of aftercare, the tender moments of connection and reassurance that followed such closeness, was beginning to weigh heavily on his heart.

In the beginning, he hadn't minded. The exhilaration and pleasure had been enough to carry him through. But now, as he lay there alone in the quiet aftermath, the reality of their departure stung more sharply. His boyfriends, despite their professed love, seemed to overlook this crucial need of his. It wasn't that he doubted their love; he knew they cared deeply for him. Yet, each time they left so abruptly, a part of him felt neglected, almost used.

As he lay there, thoughts swirling in the dim light of his bedroom, Zedaph made a quiet decision. He wouldn't go to their next scheduled meetup. If they truly cared about him, if they valued his emotional well-being as much as his physical presence, they would come to him. They would show him, in actions more than words, that his needs mattered to them. With this resolution, he felt a small measure of peace settle over him, though the sadness lingered, a reminder of the change he hoped for in their shared journey.

Two weeks passed, and the familiar date of their next meetup arrived. Zedaph tried to focus on other things, immersing himself in work and hobbies, but his mind frequently drifted back to the last time they were together and the decision he had made. He was sitting at his desk, lost in thought, when his phone buzzed with a message from Impulse.

<ImpulseSV> Hey Zedaph! Wanna meet up for tonight?

Zedaph took a deep breath, steeling himself. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment before he typed his response.

<Zedaph> No, I'm a bit busy today, sorry

There was a pause, and then the reply came quickly, almost too easily.

<ImpulseSV> No worries! I'll let the others know, love you ❤️

Zedaph stared at the message, feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. Impulse's casual response confirmed what he had feared. It wasn't that they didn't love him—Impulse's parting words reassured him of that. But the lack of concern, the absence of any follow-up questions or attempts to understand why he was suddenly unavailable, stung. He had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that his message would prompt more than just a simple acknowledgment.

As the evening wore on, Zedaph found himself thinking back on their time together, not just the intimate moments, but everything else. They almost never came by just to hang out. It was always about these scheduled nights, intense and fleeting. The spontaneous visits, the casual times spent watching movies, playing games, or simply talking—those were rare, almost non-existent.

Zedaph sighed, feeling a deep-seated loneliness settle in his chest. He craved more than just physical closeness; he wanted the kind of intimacy that came from shared everyday moments, from truly being part of each other's lives. Tonight, he realized, was a test not just for them, but for himself. He needed to see if they would reach out, if they would notice his absence and seek him out beyond the boundaries of their routine.

For now, though, he was alone with his thoughts, hoping that his choice would lead to something more meaningful, something that would reaffirm the bond he cherished so deeply.

Two more weeks went by, and the familiar sense of anticipation mingled with trepidation as the day of their usual meetup arrived. Zedaph had spent the past days trying to keep himself busy, but the thoughts of his relationship with Tango, Impulse, and Skizz never strayed far from his mind. That evening, just as he was settling down to work on a project, his phone buzzed again. This time, it was Tango.

<TangoTek> Hey Zedaph! Are you free to meet up tonight?

Zedaph sighed, the decision weighing heavily on him. He typed out his response with a heavy heart.

<Zedaph>No, I'm a little busy tonight.

There was a pause, and then Tango replied, as casually as Impulse had before.

<TangoTek> That's ok! We'll catch up another time. Take care, love you

Zedaph stared at the message, feeling a familiar mixture of relief and sadness. Tango's easy acceptance of his excuse only confirmed the doubts that had been gnawing at him. He tried to immerse himself in his work, but it was hard to concentrate with the lingering feeling that their love might be conditional, based more on their intimate encounters than on a genuine connection.

He knew he could reach out and ask if they could just hang out, spend some casual time together without any expectations. But the fear held him back. What if they only agreed to make him feel better, to placate him? The thought of them faking their interest, pretending to care just to keep him around, was almost worse than the uncertainty he currently felt.

As the night wore on, Zedaph found it increasingly difficult to focus. His mind kept drifting back to his boyfriends and the time they had spent together. He longed for more than just these fleeting moments of passion. He wanted to feel truly valued, to know that their relationship was built on more than just physical intimacy.

He glanced at his phone, contemplating sending a message to suggest a casual meetup, perhaps a movie night or a simple dinner together. But the fear of their potential insincerity stopped him. Instead, he set his phone aside and tried to lose himself in his work, though the nagging doubts and the ache in his heart made it almost impossible.

Zedaph knew he needed to address these feelings sooner or later, but for now, he was caught in a painful limbo, hoping that his decision to pull back would prompt his boyfriends to show him the love and care he craved, beyond their scheduled nights together.

Two more weeks slipped by, and the day of their usual meetup arrived once again. Zedaph had tried to keep himself occupied, but the persistent thoughts about his relationship with Tango, Impulse, and Skizz were never far from his mind. That evening, just as he was trying to focus on a book, his phone buzzed with a message. This time, it was Skizz.

<Skizzleman> Hey Zedaph! Are we meeting up tonight?

Zedaph felt the familiar heaviness in his chest as he typed out his response.

<Zedaph>No, I'm busy tonight.

He waited, expecting the same casual response he had received from Tango and Impulse. But after a moment, Skizz's reply surprised him.

<Skizzleman> Is everything okay, Zed? You’ve been busy a lot lately

A small wave of relief washed over Zedaph. Finally, someone was asking about him, about how he felt. It was a flicker of the care and attention he had been longing for. Yet, it also stung that it had taken six weeks for any of them to notice and reach out in this way.

He hesitated, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. The truth was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to voice his deeper feelings. Instead, he typed a more guarded response.

<Zedaph> I’m fine, just busy with work and stuff. Thanks for asking

Skizz's reply was quick and reassuring.

<Skizzleman> Alright, just wanted to make sure. Let us know if you need anything. Love you ❤️

Zedaph set his phone down, feeling a mix of emotions. Skizz’s concern was a step in the right direction, a glimmer of hope that maybe they did care more deeply than he had feared. But the fact that it had taken this long for anyone to ask him if he was okay still hurt. It made the past six weeks feel even more isolating.

He tried to focus on his book, but the words blurred as his mind raced. He needed to have an honest conversation with his boyfriends about his feelings, about his need for more than just their biweekly meetups. But tonight wasn’t the night for that. Tonight, he needed to process his emotions and gather his thoughts.

Another two weeks passed, making it a total of eight weeks—two whole months—since Zedaph had last seen his boyfriends. The once anticipated meetups had become a source of dread, and each passing day weighed heavily on his heart. The isolation and the lack of meaningful interaction gnawed at him, deepening his sadness.

That evening, his phone buzzed again with a message from Tango.

<TangoTek> Hey Zed. Meeting up tonight?

Zedaph stared at the message, feeling a hollow ache in his chest. His response was terse, drained of any pretense of an excuse.

<Zedaph> No.

He put the phone down, his hands trembling. The sadness that had been building for weeks now felt unbearable. They almost never talked to him unless it was about these meetups, and it felt more like they were using him than sharing genuine moments of love and companionship. The realization hit him harder than ever, and he felt the tears welling up in his eyes.

Unable to contain his emotions any longer, Zedaph began to cry, the tears streaming down his face as he sat alone in his room. His phone buzzed again, but he couldn't bring himself to look at the message. He felt utterly alone and used, and the weight of his emotions became overwhelming.

After a while, he stood up, his body heavy with sorrow. He looked around his room, his eyes landing on the wall. Desperate to escape the crushing pain, even for a moment, he positioned his head in such a way that he could ram into the wall without hitting it with his horns. The physical pain seemed like it might be a welcome distraction from the emotional turmoil.

But as he stood there, poised to act, a small voice in the back of his mind urged him to stop. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to regain some semblance of control. He knew this wasn't the answer, and hurting himself wouldn't change the way he felt or the way his boyfriends had been treating him.

With a heavy sigh, Zedaph moved away from the wall and sank back onto his bed. He needed to confront this situation, to talk to his boyfriends honestly about how he felt. But for now, he allowed himself to cry, to feel the full weight of his emotions. Tomorrow, he would think about what to do next.

After a bit of crying, the sadness overwhelming him, Zedaph pressed his nails into his arms, feeling the sting as his skin broke and the blood welled up. The physical pain was a brief distraction from the emotional turmoil inside him. But then, through the haze of his tears and pain, he heard his door open and frantic footsteps approaching.

He looked up, his vision blurry, and saw Tango, Impulse, and Skizz rushing toward him, their faces etched with worry. Tango was the first to reach him, his eyes widening in horror as he realized what Zedaph was doing to his arms. Without hesitation, he moved Zedaph’s hands away, gently but firmly.

“Zed, stop!” Tango's voice was filled with urgency and concern.

Zedaph, still dazed, looked at them and asked weakly, "Why are you here?"

Impulse, his face pale, replied, "Tango couldn't get ahold of you and got worried. So we came over to see what was wrong."

They all sat next to Zedaph, surrounding him with their presence. Skizz gently rested a wing on Zedaph's shoulders, offering silent comfort and support.

"What's going on, Zedaph?" Skizz asked softly, his voice full of genuine concern.

Zedaph took a shaky breath, trying to pull himself together. "It’s nothing," he muttered, not ready to spill his emotions just yet. He needed more time to sort through his feelings before he could explain them.

Tango, sensing Zedaph’s reluctance, wrapped his tail around Zedaph's leg, holding on gently but firmly. "Please, Zed," he begged, his voice breaking. "Tell us what’s wrong. We’re here for you. We want to help."

The desperation in Tango's voice, combined with the worried looks on Impulse and Skizz's faces, broke through Zedaph's resolve. He took a deep, shuddering breath, feeling the weight of their concern.

"I... I’ve been feeling so alone and used after our meetups," he finally confessed, his voice trembling. "It’s like you only want me for my body those nights, and then you forget about me until the next time. It didn’t bother me at first, but lately... I just feel so empty and neglected. Like I don’t matter.."

The three of them looked horrified as Zedaph’s words sank in. Tango's eyes were filled with tears, and Impulse looked stricken, while Skizz’s wing tightened slightly around Zedaph in a protective gesture.

"We had no idea you felt this way," Tango said, his voice trembling. "We never meant to make you feel like that, Zed."

Impulse nodded, his voice thick with emotion. "We love you, Zedaph. You’re more than just your body to us. We should have been there for you more, and we’re so sorry for making you feel this way."

Skizz gently rubbed Zedaph's shoulder with his wing. "We’ll do better, Zed. We promise. We never want you to feel like you’re not important to us."

Zedaph looked at them, seeing the sincerity in their eyes. He felt a flicker of hope amidst his sadness. It wouldn’t be easy, but maybe things could get better from here. They still had a lot to talk about, but for the first time in weeks, he didn’t feel so alone.

#hermitcraft fanfic #hermitfic #hermitblr #hermitcraft #tangotek #zedaph #impulsesv #skizzleman

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