snakeredbirdbatkatana
No Clue How I got Here
Batfamily be safe can be triggering Ask me anything always willing to talk
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A idea- Tim
I feel like whenever Tim gets banned from coffee he goes to very heavy lengths to get some more to going to black Market deals to getting bribed by the villains.
----
*at a blackmarket deal*
Tim: so these are it?
random: yeah man now wheres my information
Tim: heres the data from Lex Luther's labort-
*Tim gets tossed over Redhoods shoulder*
Jason: Yeah B i found him exactly where you said he'd be, trying to sell info for coffee
Tim: let me go!
Jason: nope come on Alfred made sleepy time tea and i know how much you love them.
Tim:noooo!
------
*after school*
Tim: Do you got them?
random: yeah man i got them 5 pounds of coffee beans, why do you want them anyways?
Tim: that doesn't matter- Ah!
Dick: nope Timmy we talked about this no coffee after three days of no sleep
Tim: Help! Help stranger danger!!!
Dick: wha-
random adult: Hey you leave that little boy alone you creep!
Dick: wait no I'm not a creep! Shit- we gotta get outta here Tim!
Tim: Help! he's trying to kill me!
Dick: Damnit shut up Tim!
----
Riddler: two cups of coffee if you give up right now!
Tim:hmmm
Bruce: Red Robin. Don't.
Tim: what?! It's a tempting offer!
Bruce: the last time you accepted this offered you drank coffee watching ivy burn down a factory
Tim:....it was good coffee and they were illegally pumping toxins.
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yj is great because it goes from these teenagers camping to "kon won't age and is lowkey suicidal" to impulse genuinely believing he's batman to greta having been killed by her brother to "ha ha bart and kon are such a fun duo XD" to cissie watching someone who is some kind of a mother figure to her be killed and almost murder the man who did it only to be stopped by kon, then is left completely traumatized to the point where she cannot move at all to "lmfao they're all technically criminals isnt that funny" to "bart is ALSO lowkey suicidal". and it all happens in the span of a few issues
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The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried
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Ra's (talking about Tim): he is a master strategist, always ten steps ahead, poised, calculating and collected–
Tim: *feral racoon mode activated*
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Okay, I know Damian is a trained assassin, very scary, a competent Robin, etc, but he’s also always drawn as a very slim, small child. It’s got me thinking about weight classes and the actual viability of unbalanced combat.
If Bruce ever needed to get him to stop doing something, he could just pick him up by the scruff of the neck and let him dangle. Oh that wouldn’t work? Bruce is like 210-230 lbs, maybe more. He’s over six feet tall. He’s built like a brick shithouse.
It would be like picking up a really, really angry kitten. Bruce is entirely unphased by biting. He’s picked up Robins for going on ten+ years at this point. A kick to the gut? Has nothing on the car he got hit by last week in the Narrows.
As long as Damian doesn’t have his sword…yeah, he’s just a kid. A small kid with a HUGE dad who isn’t the least bit intimidated by physical violence.
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i think one of my favourite parts about the "Jason has an army of kids in Crime Alley that will do anything to protect their protector" HC is that they absolutely would inherit all of his 'little shit' traits. they'd throw the other Bats off course on purpose.
Dick, trying to find Jay: Have you seen Hood, by any chance?
Kid: Sure I did. 'e's gone to the ice-cream store down in th'Narrows. He buys us ice-cream, sometimes.
Dick: okay, thanks kid! (backflips away)
Dick:
Dick: there's no ice-cream store near the Narrows.
Tim, just walking by Crime Alley:
The kids, throwing rocks at him while Jason watches in amusement:
#batfam#jason todd#dick grayson#they'd also put stickers on his helmet sometimes#he pretends not to know#he's just as intimidating w them i promise you#batman#dick: do u get along with jason kiddos#tim: no they bit my ankles once. they're funny tho#tim drake
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tim: i don’t know wether or not to be more disturbed by the fact that you managed to kidnap me, or that you’re stroking my pickled spleen like a bad austin powers villain
ra’s: your spleen is not pickled, i cherish it too much for that, it’s simply preserved
tim: yeah this is weird even for you
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At some point of their lives Damian and Duke are going to realize that Tim is their 'cool big brother' and its going to change their world view
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I sometimes wonder how well the Titans Tower fight would have gone if Young Justice were still around
Empress, slobo and secret were all down with murder and very protective of their friends, Jason would’ve woken up in a hospital, if not in the abyss
as for the others, Kon accidentally broke Tim’s arm under mind control, if he wanted to hurt someone (and he just much would’ve) on purpose they’d need pray to whoever they believe in for mercy and I doubt Jason would be carrying around kryptonite, Bart and Cassie are also down with extreme violence and they hadn't been able to do that in a while
If they dragged Cissie into it I think the rage of people not getting the fact that she’s retired would’ve caused her to punch Jason so hard in the face she’d unintentionally knock him unconscious and he can’t do his violent blood finger painting if he’s knocked out can he
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"You shouldn't have done that"
Jason had planned everything. Down to the second hacking into the tower getting his pathetic replacement all alone.
He is gonna rip those colors from him even if it's the last thing he does.
The boy that stole his suit, took his family before his body was even fucking cold.
He walks straight to the lounge where Drake sits no suit or staff in sight maybe if he's nice he will let him run scramble to get a weapon.
All the more fun chasing the little bird.
The pretender hasn't even noticed him this is Batman's new Robin, how weak.
He fires missing drake by a hair can't have his fun end too soon.
Grabbing the boy before he can start getting his footing.
He wants to see the look on his face, the fear knowing the little birdy's wings are being ripped away from him.
Yet.
There's nothing but a cocky smirk all of a sudden it feels off.
It's not the look of a Robin who thinks they are better no this is confident the smirk of a Robin who knows something you don't.
That Batman or even Nightwing are laying in wait that backup's there, but he checked Bruce is being distracted by Black mask.
Then he realizes he can't move a crushing pressure down to his very bones the Replacement now two feet away free how, what's happening, the green slipping in confusion.
"You really shouldn't have done that"
He snarls fighting to try to get free but it's like his body isn't his own footsteps sound from behind him before he sees Superboy.
Who wraps an arm around the pretender.
"Now I don't know who exactly you think you are Red Riding Hood but you have a lot of nerve buddy coming into my tower and trying to hurt my Robin."
He's panicking he didn't plan for this he didn't bring Kryptonite not that he thinks that would do much when he's still frozen, which doesn't even make sense since when is that a Super's power last time he checked Clark couldn't but maybe his death changed a lot.
"Now I think it's time you take a nap and then your Bruce's problem have fun in Arkham I hear the joker's really fun this time of the year Jason"
The replacement cackles.
He hears a hum of agreement from Superboy right as it all goes black.
#tim drake#jason todd#Connor Kent#what if Connor was there oh I know Jason would get his ass kicked#Connor had went to get snacks then he heard a gun shot Jason is really lucky Robin is playing nice with Batsy or Kon would kill him#Tim has his protective alien#they both knows it's Jason they give zero fucks#titan tower au#will he go to Arkham no but Tim's an ass and Connor loves that about him#batfamily#dick grayson#bruce wayne#wonder what Bruce's reaction will be#batfam#Bamf Connor Kent#Bamf Tim drake
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Jason goes to beat the crap out of the newest Robin, but...that's a baby. And that's a baby. And that's a baby...oh look, another baby.
All of Young Justice got turned into babies, and Jason just walked in on the immediate aftereffect.
Now he's surrounded by a bunch of babies.
He may be enough of a jackass to beat up a 15 year old, but he draws the line at hurting literal babies.
Needless to say, when Dick arrives completely and fully ready to commit murder because of Robin's emergency beacon going off, he wasn't expecting the Big Bad Red Hood to be juggling four babies.
Or to have two of them shoved into his arms along with a shopping list for baby food and diapers.
"...I wanna hold Robin, though-"
"Get the fuck out, Golden Boy, and go get the goods."
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Titan Tower Attack AU again cuz I think it's fun
Jason goes to beat the shit out of Tim and Tim isn't in the Tower.
Superboy is.
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Jason was going through the Tower, looking for Tim, and all was going well-until he found Tim's Secret Room.
"What the fuck," Jason whispered, inching back out of the room, "What the fuck. What the fuck? What the-what in the fuck-"
"You're not supposed to be here," a quiet voice said behind him.
Directly behind him.
Jason spun around and staggered further into the room as he did so, losing his footing and falling on a knee.
Timothy Jackson Drake, in all his Robin regalia, stood stock still in the entrance.
Jason slowly stood up, hands out.
"Look, I think we may have jumped the gun-"
"No one is allowed in this room, Red Hood," the little Robin said, voice even and calm and quiet; all the things that no one who was in the stupid hell room should be.
Jason swallowed, tensing and watching as the kid held up a hand with a remote in it.
"Don't." Jason whispered, although the voice modulator distorted it.
"No one, Red Hood."
A button was pushed.
With a hiss, all of the lids to the enclosures opened.
The enclosures that hosted nothing but spiders.
What the breaking point was, though, was when Jason felt something rather large plop down on his shoulder.
Then another. And another, and another.
Then they started crawling under his jacket.
Jason felt no shame in the scream that tore itself from his lips as he stumbled past Tim and ran.
~~~~~~
"....That was a little fucked up, Baby Bird. Just want you to know." Nightwing's voice sounded a little faint through the comm.
Tim scoffed, collapsing the bo staff and getting to work on trying to hunt down and place the spiders in their proper enclosures.
"No, what's fucked up is that I've probably lost a significant sum of money by doing this," he bitched, reaching down to collect some of the more docile ones and close the lids to the ones that hadn't tried to run.
"Spider breeding is so weird though, Tim."
"It's a way to pass time is what it is. Plus, they're cute."
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nightwing psa dont vape fear toxin and dont get your super friends on toxic fumes and dont throw up on my brand new gloves you ruined the circuitry timmy
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I will say, it is so fun thinking about the Waynes and their relationship with food. But specifically Bruce.
We get such little light shed on the Waynes before the Big Terrible happened. Like. How were Wayne dinners like?
Were they terribly posh and quiet with small moments of fun thrown in? Was Alfred scolding Thomas for telling a star eyed Bruce unnecessarily gory details from a surgery?
Did Martha help Bruce break into the cookie jar? Was there a lovely, playful gossip about Bruce's loud classmates and his adorable crush on Gray Ghost?
Because I like that! But I'd also like it to be a complete juxtaposition.
I want Bruce to talk about his family, to his children, with a smile that could melt the sun. I want him to tell them about the noise.
How the Wayne manor was permanently flooded with a noise and boister that could rival a packed 5 star kitchen.
How Thomas always cooked with a dry cigarette in his mouth, arguing with uncle Jacob about forks of all things.
Why were they smudged, why were they placed randomly and not organised with militaristic precision, while Martha watched with the fondest annoyance.
How Thomas would cuss filthy in Italian only when Bruce was around and only Oz could understand him, long before he was the Penguin, long before Bruce was Batman.
"It's about culture. Not that you'd understand, Jakey."
And uncle Jacob never entertained his father for long. He'd throw a dirty look, his obsidian eyes sharp as a switchblade, and mutter a 'bitch' in Russian, while Alfred sat there judging them both.
The Waynes were chaos with heartbeats. And Bruce's favorite event at these diners? The food fights. It's always uncle Philip who started them.
"Wow, Jay eating steak. Never thought I'd see this day."
" It's venison."
" Vinison?" Thomas would finally take a break from his unlit cigarette, holding Bruce in his lap like a king would a prized cat.
A collective sigh rang among the table. They knew what was coming. " What are you, fuckin' crazy? That's fuckin' cannoli, dipshit."
"With vinison."
"Jacob."
" Tom."
"Martha."
" Honey."
" You come into my house, not knowing what a goddam cannoli is? Fuck are you gonna tell me next, you don't put garlic in your Carbonara? I mean."
" Garlic is disgusting."
And Thomas would cover Bruce's ears like that's the most offensive thing uncle Jacob could utter at Thomas Wayne's table. And Uncle Oz agreed. Their favorite pastime was ganging up on Martha's oldest brother.
And it starts off as something minuscule and petty and mutates in something loud and ugly and breathtaking.
Bruce would watch with an open mouth in Alfred's lap, as his father's neck popped with veins, and uncle Jacobs pale complexion would blush something angry as the skin of his throat thinned from yelling.
"FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOUR PRESIDENT IS A VODKA DRINKING, BALDING, COMMIE PIECE OF SHIT."
"YOU'RE AMERICAN. "
" I CANT HELP THAT, I WAS BORN LIKE THAT!"
And it wasn't a true Saturday dinner unless Thomas didn't leap across the table, running over all the food to smash whatever dish into Jacobs face.
But truly, the best part, was watching them go from fight dogs to eating outside in time-out. As different as his father and uncle were, they could always find agreement on one topic:
Defying Martha Wayne was painfully stupid.
They'd share a cigarette and eat in silence, which was as friendly as they'd ever get. But he loved it. Bruce loved Saturday dinner.
And when the batkids start the fighting tradition on Saturdays, Bruce thinks they do, too.
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Gotham has so many rogues and most of them don’t actually cause that much trouble in the grand scheme of things, so other than the really big ones, like joker, news about Gotham rogues can get pretty muddled outside the city which leads the JL to believing that Batman and Manbat are the same person and that their colleague sometimes turns into a giant bat monster but they don’t bring it up bc they think it’s a sensitive topic
Which eventually leads to a scenario like this mid combat when they’re getting pretty desperate:
Green Lantern: I know we’re not supposed to talk about it or whatever, but it would be really helpful if you could turn into a giant bat right now, spooky
Batman, having zero context for this comment, pausing mid fight to look at Hal like he just grew a second head: What the fuck are you talking about, Jordan?
Green Lantern, suddenly much less confident: Um…you know how you…turn into a giant bat?
Batman, utterly bewildered, turning to the other members but finding that he is clearly the only one out of the loop: what is happening right now
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“I can’t believe you’re squatting in an occupied house, Danny. That’s… actually isn’t that also breaking and entering? That’s a crime, isn’t it?”
“One, at least I don’t have to pay rent and/or utilities. Two, Tim let me stay. And three, I’m a vigilante. Breaking and entering is like the basics of being one. Also, they’re paying me now. This is a legit job now!”
Jazz sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Whatever, dumbass. Where is Tim, anyways?”
“He’s in bed.”
“Really?” Jazz raised an eyebrow and rested a hand on her hip. “Then what’s that?”
Danny whirled around, making eye contact with a frozen Tim.
“Ahah-”
Danny groaned, cutting Tim’s awkward laughter and no-doubt bullshit excuse.
“Kid, Tim, we talked about this.”
“It’s for the aesthetics!” Tim protested, the argument well worn, but obligingly stepping away from the window sill.
Danny shot Jazz a disgruntled look when she muttered, “Well, doesn’t that sound familiar.”
“It’s a school night, Tim.” Danny crossed the room, ushering Tim away from the door. The halfa could probably put down professional babysitter on his resume. If he could handle Tim “climb out of windows” Drake and Tim “sleeps in hard to reach places” Drake in the same day, he could handle anything.
Tim puffed up, like a disgruntled kitten. “Robin gets to go out on a school night! And he’s my age! Kinda! And at least I’m not fighting criminals!”
Again, this is an argument they’ve had multiple times.
“Not for a lack of trying,” Danny muttered, rolling his eyes when Jazz snickered. He made the mistake of looking down at Tim’s convincing little sad kitten act and sighed. “Alright, alright. We get two hours of batwatching, then you go to sleep.”
“Deal!” Tim cheered. Jazz grinned, mouthing ‘weak’ at Danny, who promptly made like his high school self and ignored her.
“Go get your jacket. And some thicker socks, you’re gonna freezing out there.”
“Okay!!”
When Tim was out of earshot, excitedly thundering down the lavish hallway, Jazz tilted her head back and laughed.
“Oh, shut up.”
“How the tables have tabled, huh, Danny?” Jazz snickered.
“You think you got jokes,” Danny pointed at her with a new mug of coffee. “Laugh it up, but don’t forget that you’re his older sister now too.”
Jazz paled. “Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Now you gotta deal with two of us!”
“Two of who?” Tim returned, bundled up in a fancy puffy jacket. Jazz cooed at him, kneeling down to zip his jacket up. Danny, echoing her, magically grabbed a scarf and wrapped around Tim.
“Us, her little brothers. Unfortunately, you’re now our little brother and that means Jazz is gonna mother you like you’re a baby duck.”
Danny ducked the half hearted smack Jazz sent his way, grinning at Tim. The kid had a self conscious smile on his face, bashful at the unprecedented (for him) attention and affection. Danny’s smile tightened when Tim looked at Jazz for confirmation (which she gave). If it weren’t for the fact that Tim loved his parents, Danny would have spirited (hah!) the kid away. He’s like a textbook case of neglect. It’s why he keeps trying to sneak out in ways that’ll easily get him caught. He’s trying to test if Danny would get mad and leave-
“Oh my god. I’m turning into you, Jazz.” Danny said, horrified.
“What?” Jazz narrowed her eyes once the statement sunk in. “What’s wrong with being more like me? I can actually process my emotions in a timely manner, thanks.”
Danny, stuck in the horror of understanding someone’s motivations and processing some of his own trauma, shuddered.
Danny picked up Tim and swung him onto his shoulders. “C’mon, Timmy. Let’s get out of here before Jazz gives us germs.”
“Oh, that’s real rich coming from the greasiest vigilante this side of the river.”
“Not true! Green Arrow’s greasier!”
“Eh, he doesn’t count. He’s in Oregon or something, right?”
“Who cares? I wanna see Robin!” Tim wriggled, placing his heavy ass camera on Danny’s head. “He’s a new Robin! The first one moved to Blüdhaven!”
“To be a cop, right?” Danny asked.
“Yeah. It’s… not great. And kinda ironic.”
“ACAB.”
——
Batman snuck closer to the glowing green figure that was glancing around the rooftops. He’s glad he sent Robin home hours ago, because variables in Gotham tended to be dangerous.
He dropped to a crouch behind the figure, who turned around as soon as he did, looking unsurprised. The being had enhanced hearing then, if not enhanced everything else.
“There you are!” The being scowled at him, but Bruce couldn’t detect any actual hostility. Only weariness. “I’ve been looking for you for ages.”
Nevertheless, he hadn’t survived this long by being careless.
“What is your business in Gotham?” He deepened his voice, adding enough gravel to sound mildly threatening.
The being shook their head, white hair unnaturally waving in the air. Like it was under water.
“I live here. I have a bone to pick with you.” Batman loosened his stance, readying to move.
“Can you keep Robin in on school nights?! If you can’t, can’t you make him go home sooner? My kid brother keeps trying to sneak out of the house to imitate Robin and it’s killing me! Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop him from climbing out of the window? We live on the third floor, man!”
A frazzled older brother. Batman-Bruce grimaced. He couldn’t stop Jason anymore than this being could. Also, “You live here?”
The being scowled, looking defensive. “Why, I can’t? Are you being discriminatory? Because I refuse to take shit from a grown man in a bat-sona.”
“…A bat-what?”
The being sighed. “Nevermind. Yes. I live here. My name is Phantom.”
“Don’t cause any trouble.” Batman warned before hesitating. The being was young, that was clear. He kind of reminded Bruce of Dick, and it made Batman’s tone soften. “And I will try. Robin is resolute.”
Phantom dropped his glowing face into his hands, a move Bruce often wanted to mirror.
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
——
Sorry guys I really like tired babysitter brother Danny and unnecessarily jumping out of windows Tim. This is before Tim decided to be a vigilante. This is after Dick moves out.
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