Prompt 134

One of the young justice members is complaining about how their parents or mentors benched them after getting injured. 

And Marvel snorting and saying that that reminds him of Phantom. And of course, the YJ crew, ask who that is. 

“Oh Phantoms my big brother, pops never really understood our human halves or limits so…” and he just shrugs like he didn’t just drop Lore. And the teens smell blood in the water, they want to know more. 

The Phantom Origins

Okay, so I know probably a bunch of people have already done this, but I wanted to rewrite Danny Phantom, from just before he got his powers to maybe when he tells his parents.

 I’m tired of waiting for a reboot that may never come, so here is what I picture the reboot would look like. 

I’ve always thought it would be darker and more horrific, that the ghosts he fights are more monstrous and demonic.

 That there would be a little bit more of a medical concern for Danny’s humanity being affected by his ghost half. Is he becoming more ghost like? Is he gradually getting sicker and sicker, and his ghost DNA ravages through his body like cancer? 

Would Vlad be not only a sexist, creepy, abusive old man, but contains a thirst for deception and power that he poses a real, apocalyptic threat on Earth and the ghost zone?

Are ghosts actually the spirits of the dead? Or are they a different breed of human that lives in a completely separate dimension, that’s is layered and hidden within ours?

What about Danny’s mental health. He has to keep this big secret from his parents because he absolutely FEARS what would happen if they found it to the point he’s scared they wouldn’t believe he was their son and try to kill him as a result, or keep him hostage in the basement, slowly torturing him and dissecting him until he’s dead? What would the world think of him? A prophet? A demon? Would they accuse his parents for experimenting on their own children? He would have so much fear and anxiety that he’d have to be on edge all the time, falling into depression, panic attacks - not to mention the PTSD he’d get from it all while battle nightmarish monsters and the hanging question over his head of what he is now. 

These are just SOME of the questions I’ve had that Butch Hartman will never answer. He set up such a great plot and characters but carried it out pretty poorly over the show (which may or may not be his fault since they wanted to keep it kid friendly.)

I hope to get into the deep and dark and nitty gritty details of Danny Phantom we’ve imagined but never get to see. I wrote the first chapter below, and I plan to write much more. :)

I hope you guys enjoy it!

Follow me over at Ao3 

Summary:

Dr. Madelyn Fenton and her husband, Dr. Jackson Fenton, have just built the world's first portal to the Ghost Zone - an alternate dimension where undead linger for all eternity. The only problem is no one believes in what they are doing. The townspeople call them the Fenton Freaks and the rejection letters from the National Science Foundation are piling up. Not even their own children can tolerate their ghost obsession. Their 14 year old son, Danny, does what he can to separate himself from his parents. Mocked by his peers and judged by his teachers, he keeps his head down and stays out of the spotlight. 

It comes as no surprise to Danny when his parents' machine fails to work on the first test run. Discouraged, they leave empty handed for the weekend to go to the Ghost Hunter's Expo, where they were expected to present their portal during their panel. As soon as his parents leave, Danny invites his friends over to give a tour of yet another one of his parents' failed experiments. When he gets dared to walk inside the machine, he triggers something that turns it back on, and for the first time ever, his parents have an invention that works. But that's the least of the surprises when Danny emerges from the portal himself...

To Whom It May Concern,

To the esteemed members of the National Science Foundation, myself, Dr. Madelyn Fenton, PhD., and my husband, Dr. Jackson Fenton, PhD., write to you today to consider us for the New Exploratory Scientific Research Grant Award. Our combined decades worth of research within paranormal scientific research fields have led us to believe that the “ghost” entities that haunt our very Earth, could in fact be the missing link to creating new technology, curing human illnesses, and prolonging human life on Earth.

The term “ghosts” is defined as a religious or spiritual being, or the hypothetical soul of the human body, separated from physical forms, usually that of a person recently deceased. Dr. Jackson Fenton and myself have a different theory about the “ghostly” entities that visit our Earth. We have sufficient evidence to prove that ghosts are in fact not the spirits of the dead, but an entirely new species of the human race. We believe they exist in an alternate dimension - a separate plane of existence that is not unlike ours. Recent developments have also shown the possibility of dimensional travel -  we believe ghosts are able to pass through into our plane of existence for a temporary amount of time. Through our rigorous research, construction, and experimentation, Dr. Jackson Fenton and myself have created what would be a “portal” to this plane of existence, to the “Ghost Zone.” By exploring and studying the ghost zone, we could collect a limitless amount of research and data that could be used to benefit humanity for the rest of our existence.  

We have provided within our application our twenty years of research and development, along with video recordings of our experiments as evidence of our work in progress, as we humbly request your consideration for the New Exploratory Scientific Research Grant  Award.

Sincerely,

Dr. Madelyn Fenton, PhD. in Quantum Physics and Paranormal Studies

Dr. Jackson Fenton, PhD. in Theoretical Science and Paranormal Studies

From the Grants and Admissions Office of the National Science Foundation

To Dr. Madelyn Fenton and Dr. Jackson Fenton,

Thank you for your interest in applying for the New Exploratory Scientific Research Grant Award. The New Exploratory Scientific Research Grant Award (NESRGA) is an esteemed scholarship opportunity that looks to provide funding for ground-breaking scientific research to scientists working within small and local laboratories. After carefully reviewing your application and research, we have come to the regretful decision to decline your request to receive the NESRGA.

We unfortunately could not approve your request due to the following issues:

Insufficient or lack thereof evidence or proof of scientific research of ghostly entities and/or undiscovered species, the “Ghost Zone” dimension in which these entities exist, or possible travel to said “Ghost Zone.”

Insufficient of lack thereof peer review research and laboratory data.

Paranormal entities and alternative dimensional research is not recognized under the National Science Foundation as factual scientific work.

We are thrilled to hear that you share such enthusiasm, passion, and ambition in the pursuit of scientific exploration, research and development. You are a part of a wonderful community, and through your tireless efforts, you will help bring our Earth into the future.

We welcome you to apply for the NESRGA again next year.

Sincerely,

Barbara Keaton,

Director of Grants and Admissions

National Science Foundation

GHOST HUNTERS EXPO - THIS LABOR DAY WEEKEND

To Drs. Maddie and Jack Fenton,

We are excited to have you return to speak at the Ghost Hunters Expo this coming labor day weekend. We have reviewed your Ghost Zone Theory and we anticipate your presentation of your research.

Please note: due to new regulations we cannot allow the following into the convention center:

Ecto-infused food, inanimate objects, or animal mutations of any kind.

Alarm or defense systems that release a form of knock out gas, ectoplasmic goo, ectoplasmic foam, spoiled meats, or  live rodents. All alarms and defense systems must be turned off while inside the convention center.

Samplings or gifts of homemade cookies or other food, beverages, or gifts to bribe the judges.

Disclosed weapons that are not a part of your presentation and/or not approved by the convention prior (we will have metal detections at all entry points of the convention hall)

Asking for audience volunteers unless approved by us prior your scheduled presentation time.

Ghost claims targeted towards convention guests, judges, or other presenters.

All presentations and inventions must have been tested and approved by a judge prior to your presentation time (i.e. no last minute or surprise inventions).

Fighting or displays of physical aggression.

Destruction of convention hall equipment, the building’s foundation itself, or other presenters equipment and or inventions.

We thank you in advance for your compliance and full understanding of the new regulations.

We look forward to seeing you!

Best,

Trevor Martin

Ghost Hunters Expo Coordinator

“Did you see this?” Jack Fenton asked, waving the notice from the Ghost Hunters Expo. He scoffed. “New regulations...I wonder who were the bimbos that made them enforce these rules.” He crumbled up the notice and threw it carelessly on the floor.

“How’s that portal coming, sweet cheeks?” he asked his wife.

Maddie Fenton was deep within a hexagon shaped chamber carved out of her laboratory converted basement wall. The interior was lined with a colorful array of wires and tiny blinking lights. At the end of the chamber, sheets of metal and hardware fanned in on itself. Maddie was kneeled on the floor, wrestling with a few cords.

“I’m just struggling to connect these last couple of wires,” she answered, pinching the two cords together. With a last bit of strain, the cords connected with a satisfying click.

Wiping the sweat off her brow, she came out of the chamber. “Hopefully that will stabilize the gravitational pull of the Ghost Zone once we get the portal running.” She briefly thought back to a dark memory from their college days when their first Ghost Zone prototype had malfunctioned and the toxins from the Ghost Zone leaked out of the portal, resulting in displacing one of her lab partners for the remainder of their college career.

“We got it this time, baby,” Jack said confidently. “There is no way we could make the same mistake twice.”

Maddie sighed as she walked over to the control panel to record the ecto-readings. “I just wish we knew for certain what had gone wrong that day. All of this guess work is driving me crazy.” She picked up her notebook and briefly reviewed her meticulously hand written notes before adjusting some dials.

“Okay,” she huffed, satisfied. “I think we’re ready for a test run.”

Jack clapped his hands. “Excellent! I’ll go grab the kids!” He ran to the basement steps and shouted, “Jazzy-pants! Danny! Get down here!”

A few minutes later both of their teenage children shuffled down the basement steps.

“Is this gonna take long?” Danny asked, disinterestedly. “Tucker and I were in the middle of planning our next battlefield strategies for Doomed. There’s only a few days left of summer vacation and we still have so much planning to do if we want to beat the other online players and achieve the seven Keys of Destiny.”

“And I was in the middle of an important breakthrough in my self therapeutic psychology research,” their daughter, Jazz promptly stated. In her hands she clutched an open copy anxiety and phobias workbook. “Did you know that high functioning anxiety in adulthood is caused by childhood trauma from never feeling safe in your own home? This would explain so much about me and Danny -” she paused in her speech when she saw the machine her parents were working on.

“Oh, no.” She snapped her book shut and pinched the flesh between her eyes. “ Please do not tell me you called us down here to witness another one of your experiments. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

“Oh, Jazz, relax,” Maddie said, waving her off. “Those burn marks from the last ectoplasmic gun experiment healed eventually. And look!” She walked over to a closet in the back of the room and pulled out two polyester jumpsuits. “We made you both your own custom fitted, lab safe, jumpsuits!”

Jack appeared beside Maddie. “And we matched them with ours! Jazzy-pants, yours is teal to match your mother’s. And Danny, yours would have matched mine but the store didn’t have orange.” he held out a plain white jumpsuit with black gloves and boots.

“And I haven’t even shown you two the best parts!” he grabbed the jumpsuits from Maddie and spun them around. Crudely pressed onto the fabric of the jumpsuit was a cutout of Jack Fenton’s smiling face, emblazoned on the chest.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Jack grinned.

Jazz was the first to respond. “Dad there is no way you’re going to get me to wear that,” she said while backing away and shaking her head. “How about Danny and I will just go upstairs and you can call us down after  you’ve tested it? That way we’ll be safe and not have to wear those hideous jumpsuits.”

Danny silently agreed with her while struggling to conceal his own disgust at the suits. It was one thing to be forced to wear a jumpsuit like his parents but it was an entirely different level of lame to have to wear his father’s face across his chest. What if his parents insisted he wore it all the time, like they did? Involuntary images of him becoming the laughing stock at his new high school was surfacing in his mind, more than he already was for being the son of the city’s eccentric ghost hunting husband and wife team. He was already struggling to stay above the pathetic nerd social ring in his class. They’d have to create an entirely new category of nerd just for him if he wore that suit. The thought of it made him want to crawl away in a hole and be left there to die.

“Mom, Dad, I have to agree with Jazz,” Danny said. “The suits are kinda...lame.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Maddie dismissed. “These jumpsuits are the latest fashion that every ghost hunter wants.”

“And when we reveal these babies with my face on them, everyone will be scrambling for one. We’ll be rich!” Jack stated proudly.

Jazz snorted. “Um, I somehow doubt that. Look, we’ll just go back upstairs and you two can let us know when it’s safe, okay?” She looped a hand around Danny’s arm and started pulling him away.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Jack clamped a hand on both of them  and spun them back around. “You two are being given the chance to witness scientific history! And we are not going to let you pass up on this.” He tossed the jumpsuits to Jazz and Danny. They unwillingly caught them.

Jazz glowered at Danny. “If you take any photos and post them on the internet, I will kill you.”

Danny held out his suit reproachfully. His dad’s smiling face seemed to be laughing at him, like all of the students as Casper High will be if they ever found out about this.

“Don’t worry about it.”

A few minutes later, Jazz and Danny stood alongside their parents in their matching jumpsuits. Jazz stood with her arms crossed, silently fuming, her foot tapping impatiently. At her mother’s insistence, Jazz was forced to tuck in her long, red hair and wear the hair sealing head cover and thick, dark eye protection goggles that came with it. At equal height, Jazz and Maddie were identical in their suits.

At least Danny couldn’t match his dad. Jack’s suit was bright orange and about twenty sizes larger than Danny’s, due to his father’s obsession with Maddie’s homemade fudge and cookie inventions. Danny’s own white suit was slightly too large for him, and hung in odd places due to his skinny frame. He didn’t have to wear a hood and goggles like his sister either - another thankful shortage from the ghost hunter’s clothing warehouse. He picked at his dad’s pressed on face design on his chest as he waited for his parents to get the machine ready for its test run. His dad had tried ironing it on, but had done it poorly, so that with a bit of a tug, it was already beginning to peel off.

Jack and Maddie Fenton ran back and forth across the lab, double checking last minute calculations. Machines whirred and beeped around them, the hum of electricity warm in the stagnant air.

Danny had a good idea of how this was going to go. If this would be like any of their past experiments, it would fail miserably. The experiment would go haywire, probably spout ectoplasmic goo everywhere or accidentally giving ecto energy to the nearest food item. One year, their parents had tried making the Christmas Turkey in their newly invented Ultra-fast Instant Pot and instead infused it with demonic ghostly energy and reanimated it. Danny remembered hiding underneath the kitchen table as Jazz had to beat it back with a pastry roller, screaming for their parents.

The ghost zone portal was their most ambitious project yet. For most of Danny’s life, they had dinner table discussions, weighing mathematical equations and scientific chemical balances in hopes of being able to one day engineer the world’s first ghost zone portal. He was fairly surprised when he found out at the beginning of the summer that they were finally constructing it, and even more so when they claimed last night it was completed. They had been rushing to get it done in time to present it at the Ghost Hunters Expo this weekend.

He glanced at the table beside him looking at the pile of papers his dad had haphazardly stacked among the beakers and ghost weapons. Sitting on top of the stack was the rejection letter from the National Science Foundation.

“It means that they don’t think what they’re doing is science,” Jazz had interpreted for Danny after reading it when their parents’ back was turned. “And who could blame them? There is zero evidence supporting the existence of ghosts. It’s just superstition.”

That’s all it was. Superstition. And  yet, his parents had at some point in their youth latched on to the idea that ghosts were more than a myth, and even though they’ve never actually seen one in person themselves, they were determined to prove ghosts were real. What amazed Danny the most is the amount of people who also believed in the same theory. In the years past when his parents had dragged him and Jazz to the Ghost Hunter’s Expo, the crowds always seemed to grow bigger and bigger. Scientists, hunters, enthusiasts, and even ghost cosplayers gathered under the same roof for a full weekend, exchanging theories, stories and footage of what they thought were ghosts. The most ridiculous rumor he had heard at the last ghost hunter’s convention was one of a young, blue haired female musician, who became an overnight sensation after one performance at a local carnival. She had also disappeared quite suddenly after the performance, which raised a lot of speculation. Ghost hunters claimed her unusually pale skin and hypnotic vocals were a part of her ghostly powers. Jazz had stated that it was simply because she was a successful female in the patriarchy they had to deem her as a ghost to explain it.

Danny didn’t want to say anything else after that.

“Jack,” Maddie called from across the room, typing away at a computer. “Did you remember to pour in the ecto-purifier?”

“On it, baby!” Jack cried while fumbling with a control panel. Danny watched as grabbed a can of diet cola, which sat next to the similar sized gray cylinder labeled “EP.”

“Uh, Dad?” Danny called. “I don’t think that’s the ecto-purifier.”

“What’s that?” Jack asked. He turned to look at the object in his hand and barked out a chuckle.

“Thanks, son! That was a close one.” He placed the can of diet cola down and picked up the correct cylinder. “Who knows what would have happened if we purified the toxic ghost energies with diet cola. Could you imagine?” He poured the bright green liquid into the appropriate chamber.

In the corner of his eye, Danny saw Jazz shake her head. “Idiot,” she whispered.

Jazz believed she was the only mature Fenton in the family. At some point during her high school career, she had decided it was up to her to convince her parents that ghosts were not real, and to force them to change their careers to something more normal or socially acceptable. She had tried to get them interested in just about any other scientific field she could think of, such as deep sea diving to discover creatures living on the ocean floor, to NASA’s space engineering program. When those didn’t work, she tried to build a case proving the psychological damage they were causing to her’s and Danny’s upbringing. Over the summer, when she wasn’t preparing herself for the SATs she’d have to take later that school year, she poured over every psychological book she could get her hands on from the library. No matter how many times she argued about the permanent damage her parents were inflicting on their amygdala by creating an unsafe environment for her and Danny to grow up in, their parents would say it’s all worth it for the sake of scientific advancement.

Danny tried desperately to stay out of their fights. Most days, he was too focused on trying to survive a day without being called “that ghost geek” by his peers, no matter how many times he told his classmates he didn’t believe in his parents’ work. Maybe it was because of his small, bony limbs that made it so easy for his classmates to mock him. Or the fact that his only two friends in the entire world were also considered a variety of nerd within the social climate. His best friend Tucker was a little too obsessed with the latest technology and his other friend, Samanatha - Sam for short - was the only school’s goth girl, who filled her entire personality and outlook with dark and depressing outfits and literature. In a weird way, it did make sense that the girl who loved to read about the dead, and the boy who loved technology, would want to be friends with the kid whose parents called themselves ghost scientists. Still, they were his best friends and he wouldn’t trade them for anyone else.

He had been telling them about the portal his parents were building all summer. Just like he was, his friends were also doubtful it would work. They deliberated about what the inventions would actually do. Tucker still brought up the time Danny’s parents were testing out an anti-ghost gravity spray, to temporarily make a ghost lose their flight ability. The morning they were testing it out, Danny had woken up in a hovering bed. It had shocked him so much, he fell off his bed and face-planted onto his bedroom floor, breaking his nose. At some point, Tucker and Sam started placing bets about the outcome.

“Maybe the portal will just blast a hole through the wall and you’ll send up in the Amity Park Sewer System,” Sam guessed last night after he told them his parents were getting ready for their first test.

“Bet you five bucks that Danny will lose all of his hair this time,” Tucker had joked.

He absentmindedly ran a hand through his exposed hair and briefly wished he had a head cover and goggles like Jazz. He couldn’t help but notice there was something different about his parents this time. They didn’t have the same, bubbly and excited energy they usually had when showing off a new invention. They seemed more focused this time. Even his dad’s goofy banter towards Maddie had taken a back seat as his dad frowned over the controls. It was weird to see his dad actually concentrating. Maybe it was the hundredth rejection letter they received from the National Science Foundation, or the pressure to present this weekend at the Expo, but it seemed like they were seriously trying to make this thing work. They did not want to fail.

“Okay everyone!” Maddie ran over and started waving her hands. “Backs up against the wall.”

Jazz sighed and turned to walk over to stand behind the boxed in yellow line, the “safe” spot in the lab. Danny thought  a metal containment center with a viewing screen would have kept them safer, but supposedly his parents didn’t have time to build one. Danny followed his mother and sister.

“Almost…” Jack muttered at the controls, typing away. Suddenly there was a loud click that echoed off the basement walls. Machines roared to life and lights winked on. Inside the portal, the metal fans began to spin.

“YES!” Jack punched the air, triumphant.

“Jack!” Maddie called to her husband, gesturing towards the safe zone. He jogged over and squeezed himself in between his two kids.

“This is it!” he shouted over the noise, which was gradually becoming deafening.

All around the room, machines and computers turned on. Attached beakers and graduated cylinders filled up with green, bubbling liquid. A wall lined with dialers bounced up and down. Puffs of smoke expelled out of exhaust pipes. The portal itself began to crackle with electricity, its interior fans spinning faster and faster until it started emitting a bright green glow. The pressure in the room changed, popping Danny’s ears. He felt the tips of his hair begin to rise with the electric waves.

The whirring of the fans inside the machine began to ring out a high pitch squeal as the machine glowed brighter, and brighter, blinding Danny’s naked eyes. He squinted and held out a hand over his eyes, peeking through his fingers. The air around them grew warm and staticky. His father clamped a hand tightly on Danny’s shoulder, as if to hold him back from running away.

It was working. Danny couldn’t believe it. Not once in all of their years of inventing ghost machines and hunting equipment, they may have actually been able to build something that worked like they wanted it to.

What would this mean? That ghosts actually existed? That his parents were not the crackpot fools the town took them for? And if they did exist, there was the one question that no one has been able to answer.

Were ghosts dangerous?

He looked up at Jazz. Her expression was unreadable through the head covering. He looked at his parents, wild and furious excitement in their eyes.

Then, when it seemed like Danny’s ears couldn’t take much more of the screeching noise, a BOOM exploded from the portal. Light poured out of the machine and flooded the room. Danny yelped and turned away. Jack stepped in front of his family and hid them with his massive torso from the explosion. Then, very suddenly, the room went dark. Every light and machine that had been just buzzing with life, died. Danny’s hearing rang in the abrupt silence.

“What the heck?” Jack was the first to say something.

“I got a flashlight, hang on,” Maddie said next. Danny heard her fumbling around her utility belt and a small light winked on. She shined it around the room. Curls of smoke rose up from the machines. The glow from the ecto-purifier had also faded.

“I don’t understand,” Maddie said, dumbfounded as she gazed around the room. “This should have worked.”

“We checked every calculation,” Jack said, equally mystified.

“And tested every single machine.” She threw up her hands. “I even made sure the damn computers turned on!”

“Well, obviously, this wasn’t going to work,” Jazz suddenly said, her anger returning. “You guys were trying to open a portal to nothing . Because ghosts don’t EXIST.”

She ripped off the hood and goggles. “I’m going back upstairs to change and burn this stupid jumpsuit, and work on processing this trauma that you have inflicted on us, yet again.” Without waiting for her parents to respond, she stomped back upstairs, her footsteps echoing off the silent basement walls

Jack shook his head. “What is her deal?”

“Oh, never mind her, Jack,” Maddie said. “We need to figure out what went wrong. We only have a day until the expo and we promised to present this.”

Danny’s parents turned their back on him and began working to restore the power, jumping right into a deep discussion. Danny took the moment to quietly slip away back upstairs.

The second he was back into his room, he let out a long exhale. Suddenly remembering he was wearing the jumpsuit, he hastily ripped it off and then threw it in the trash bin in the corner of his room.

He flopped back onto his bed, and lay in the stillness of his room for a few minutes to collect his thoughts. He stared up at the plastic, glow in the dark stars and planets stuck on his ceiling.

He couldn’t believe there was a moment back there where he thought the machine was working.

He didn’t want to imagine what would happen if ghosts were real. There were no real scientific facts about them. All those convention attendees at the ghost hunters expo all had different theories about what ghosts are - the religiously damned, aliens, spirits with unfinished business, souls that died before their time, another species - no one could settle on a single argument.

But if they did exist, what would happen then? Would they swarm the Earth, like cicadas after their years long sleep? Would they haunt each and every home and building in towns and cities, and try to claim it as their own? Would the world be plunged into a ghost apocalypse, where every human had to fight for their own human survival and soul? Were ghosts malicious or peaceful?

His parents might be arrested for creating the portal in the first place, if it did turn out bad. Or the government might force them to work alongside them to rid the Earth of the ghost population. What would happen to him and Jazz? Would they be put into juvie, just for being the kids of the Fenton Freaks? Would they be put into foster care, once the government decided Jack and Maddie were unfit parents for him and Jazz?

What if the human population adopted a sick fascination of ghosts? Businesses would try to profit off the ghosts by selling fake anti-ghost protection devices or offer tours inside “haunted” houses. There might even be a community in which some would fall in love or even want to become a ghost themselves.

The world would become absolute chaos.

Danny shuddered at the thought. He didn’t understand what his parents saw in trying to prove their existence. What good would proving the undead existed bring to the world?

His anxious, spiraling thoughts were interrupted when his computer dinged. Danny got up and sat down at his desk. He wiggled his mouse to wake up his computer. Tucker had sent him a message.

Still have all of your hair?

Danny chuckled and wrote back.

Yep. Nothing happened though. But the power in the basement blew.

Damn ,  was Tucker’s response. And I had just invested in a 25 pack of markers to color your head in Lancer’s class when you fall asleep.

Danny laughed out loud. I can only imagine all the pensises you’d draw.

I had planned no less than 50. Two for each color.

Well I hope you kept your receipt cause I still have a full head of hair. Unlike you. Danny made a jab at Tucker’s own buzzed haircut. He had tried growing out dreads for the school year, but his mother forced him to shave it off after he got caught staying up on the computer way too late one night. She paid the barber to give him a military buzz cut.

Shut up, dude, Tucker typed back. While you were away not getting your hair fried off your scalp, I was devising up a new battle plan to defeat Chaos.

Danny smiled. Oh yeah? Lay it on me.

Justice Legion Delta: 'The Legion of Doom'

Initially known as Danny’s Legion, the original members of Justice Legion Delta vanished during a Violent Unknown Event, earning the group the ‘Legion of Doom’ sobriquet and a superstitious reputation within the larger structure of the Justice Legion. In spite of this, or perhaps because of it, Delta has gained a reputation for being well-equipped to handle the strangest of fringe threats facing the many worlds of the United Systems.

Members

L.exe: Created in the Memory Bardos of the 549th Century, L.exe was designed as the final weapon in the Crime Biographers’ war against that century’s Superman. A living biography, L.exe’s positronic certainty generator allowed it to develop and enact new chapters dedicated to how a long-dead master criminal would have challenged the current Superman, it’s own existence fueled by waging this constant, unending war against Superman on behalf of its creators.

However diminishing resources, a lack of time and a scarcity of information regarding the source mind resulted in a bug laden, factually dubious weapon whose every action was undermined by an artificial intelligence cobbled together from half-a-dozen sources tenuously conflated by the Crime Biographers’ due to shared initials. As a result, L.exe’s burning hatred was matched by an all-encompassing love for Superman, the two extremes cancelling each other out and leaving it almost completely neutral on the subject of his descendants. Discarded and forgotten, L.exe would eventually be unearthed in the 853rd Century by Bill ‘Billion’ Magnus, a data-archaeologist who made a name for himself restoring long-dormant machine intelligences. Together, the two debated L.exe’s function in life now its creators and their war had long since ended, L.exe eventually convinced to embrace Magnus’ stance that it should forge a new path in life rather than its initial plan to stage an all-out blitzkrieg on the Justice Legion and the United Systems. 

As the Justice Legion Delta’s self-appointed “head-man,” L.exe subverts the power of its own Maliceware in service of the never-ending battle for justice, even if it does struggle with frequent intrusive thoughts regarding universal domination and elaborate marriage schemes. 

Shattered Visage: An early example of living marble technology, the Shattered Visage was the Venusian Amazons’ first attempt at creating a new Wonder Woman for the new century. Boasting a spiritual core drawn from one of their best and brightest, the Visage was intended as a perfect representation of the hallowed Amazonian magi-science that had been the cornerstone of their culture since the dawn of the age of heroes. 

With a functionally impervious body, a glut of superpowers well beyond the Amazonian standard, and wielding the latest in thought-weapon technology, the Visage was perfect in almost every sense of the word save one, a tiny almost imperceptible flaw within her living marble body that only she could perceive. On the eve of the bonding ritual that would link her to the Goddess of Truth, the Shattered Visage attempted to talk about the growing uncertainty that had been eating away at her across years of training and development, only to have her concerns dismissed as nothing more than nerves. Instantly rejected by the Goddess, the Amazons doggedly attempted to continue the ritual, forcibly entwining the two for the briefest of nanoseconds. Truth’s proximity externalising the Shattered Visage’s fears and self-doubt, her body irrevocably damaged as her marble skin cracked and reformed to reflect her self-perceived truth. In the political turmoil that followed, the Visage abandoned her homeworld. Joining the ranks of Amazonian Wandering Women that sought self-discovery on the fringes of inhabited space. Returning to Venus to fight in a civil war that threatened to consume the planet, only to discover upon her arrival that the conflict had been brought to a peaceful end by the new Wonder Woman, the forces responsible for her trauma now facing justice at the hands of a true Amazonian paragon.  Finding no comfort in this, the Shattered Visage fell into darkness. Spending years as an operative for hire, she eventually came into conflict with her younger sibling during an alliance with OWAC’s Injustice Brigade. Confronting Wonder Woman, the Visage’s attempts to battle her sibling were hampered by Wonder Woman’s refusal to do more than defend herself. As the other members of the Justice Legion and the Injustice Brigade battled in the Magnetic Cloud beyond OWAC’s Death Wheel, the two spoke openly, Visage finally given a chance to confront the Goddess of Truth for her role in the events that had led to her creation.  Betraying the Brigade, the Shattered Visage fought alongside her sister, earning amnesty in the process and a place within the ranks of the Justice Legion. Joining the Justice Legion Delta as its resident tactician, she continues to work to move beyond the expectations forced upon her.

Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man:  A groundskeeper within the Pangea Collective, Barney Blanc spent his days tending one of 700 primordial tesseract worlds preserved within the collective's archives. The brainchild of Gulliver Larsen, Pangea sought to preserve ecologies found on soon to be terraformed worlds, reconstructing them within tesseract space and allowing them to develop independent of the now controlled environments of their sources. Groundskeepers such as Blanc charged with the observation of a single world-space, ensuring that it remained free from contaminants and outside influence. Larsen urging a dispassionate approach to the work in order to lessen the potential risks associated with the observer effect. Blanc however, could never adapt to Larsen’s demands, in time appropriating a Virtual Interface Headset in order to experience life within the tesseract world. As Blanc’s actions became increasingly commonplace among the Collective’s groundskeepers an embittered Larsen decided the project was no longer fit for purpose, seeking to erase what he felt were tainted worlds and begin anew, he approached the United Systems’ environmental authority with his plans to restart, only for his request to be denied and the Pangea Collective ordered to continue the preservation and observation of the tesseract worlds within its care. In a final, desperate bid to maintain his vision for the project, Larsen covertly hired the Lords of Lighting, data-erasure specialists from Winath, to covertly destroy the worlds. Detonating an electrical overcharge device that wiped over three quarters of the Collective’s archive before the overseer’ A.I. could process what had happened. In a blind, desperate bid to save the remaining tesseracts, the A.I. launched their data packets at the only remaining storage space available within the facility, the interfaced Barney Blanc. By sheer providence, Blanc’s presence inside one of the tesseract allowed his mind to survive the process even as his body was altered to host some 80 worlds on a genetic level. Blanc returning to an externally unchanged body that was permanently interlinked with the biospheres of the tesseracts now contained within him. Subsequently discovering that he could morphologically draw on the structure & abilities of anything found on the worlds within him when he survived Larsen’s attempts to decapitate him by taking on the properties of a particularly resilient carrot. Avenging the destroyed worlds, Blanc now operates as Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man alongside his allies in the Justice Legion Delta. Continuing to support the nurture and development of the remaining worlds when and wherever possible.  The Known Soldier: A shifting, always familiar presence to those in their company, the Known Soldier would be an eternal enigma if anyone could hold their memory for more than a second after their departure. To meet them is to know them, to leave them is to forget. Forever viewed as the old friend you can’t quite place, the Soldier’s origins are seemingly unknown even among their compatriots within the Justice Legion Delta. Clad in a feature-obscuring living polymer skin-sheath, even the most basic of the Known Soldier's physical identifiers wildly vary from person to person. The JLD first encountering them during Sigmund Elsswhere’s assault on the Babel Inforum, readily accepting the masked figure as a member of the team even as the exact reasons behind the Soldier’s presence within the system remained a mystery. Among the Justice Legion, the Known Soldier is one of the few serving members capable of wielding Negatron, the Living Weapon without incurring sizable damage to their mental health. The negative spirit residing with the machine equally numb to the Soldier’s memory resistant qualities leading to the two forming a firm friendship.  In truth, the Known Soldier is in fact the self-inflicted amnesiac alter-ego of Minos Zero, the Infiltration Ace. Their quantum-superposition abilities operating on subconscious instinct as they carry out an unknown mission on behalf of the shadowy super intelligence that rules over the distant Spyral Galaxy.  The exact role the Justice Legion Delta plays in these machinations remains to be seen, however as the team grows increasingly resistant to the Soldier’s abilities it is clear their ruse will be discovered sooner rather than later... Super Sane: A distant scion of the Superman Dynasty, Cris Alis’ was born on the world of Rimbor and became its soul survivor at the age of 14 when the planet was consumed by a hypertime storm generated in the wake of a Qwardian’ incursion led by the Clockworker, sinister antimatter counterpart of the Justice Legion Alpha’s Hourman. Trapped within an endlessly branching nightmare, Alis’ powers and her half-Rimborian physiology combined to gift the child a super-adaptability that allowed her to survive within the storm. As time within it snapped and rebuilt, so too did Alis. Her mind effectively building a new personality from the ground up, each gifted a single power drawn from the considerable genetic legacy of the Superman Dynasty.For nearly a decade Alis’ lived within the storm, nestled within an endless series of alter egos blissfully unaware of both their situation and each other. The illusion shattering when an alter emerged possessing 5-D hypervision, instantly alerting the alters to each other’s presence. Sent into an existential crisis, each alter vied for control until her super-adaptability once again emerged, collapsing each personality in on Alis’ and causing a brief rupture within the hypertime storm that allowed members of the Superman Squad to finally recover Rimbor. Free of the storm, Alis’ continues to display wildly varying personalities and powers. Seemingly reinventing herself each day, her original personality only occasionally resurfacing, it has been hypothesized that near constant exposure to hypertime has evolved Alis’ into a new type of superhuman. Despite this, each alter has shown a consistent dedication to the Superman Dynasty’s ideals and unwavering loyalty to her allies in the Justice Legion Delta.  Negatron, the Living Weapon: The total destruction of Negative Space during the Fifth Dimensional Angle-Wars of the 599th and 601st centuries was believed to have driven the Negative Spirits to total extinction. However a single entity survived, crash landing in the 853rd century where it was subsequently captured by that era’s Toyman. Specialising in the design of exotic art-weapons, the Toyman bound the last negative spirit to a living gun, transforming its negative energy into a highly potent ‘Ennui Ray’ that would drive its targets into a crippling depression. Hoping the weapon would be capable of destroying Superman, he was completely unprepared for the true extent of the weapons power. Pulling the trigger causing the Toyman to suffer a total emotional collapse. Cured only when his memories of the weapon were erased as an act of mercy on the part of his intended target. Free of its creator, the machine intelligence and the negative spirit reached an understanding and with the aid of Starfire, the Tyrant Sun’s Daughter & Resurrection Man dedicated their service to the Justice Legion. Partnered with the Known Soldier - one of three beings capable of wielding Negatron without major risk - Negatron, the Living Weapon is an indispensable member of the Justice Legion Delta.  The Eye of Doom: In the distant past the Eye was Rhea Jones, a superhuman known as Lodestone who served in the second iteration of the original Doom Patrol. Slipping into a coma during one of the periodic attempts to curtail earth’s booming metahuman population, Jones awoke transformed. Reborn as a being that transcended then acceptable definitions of both humanity and superhumanity. Briefly resuming her role within the Doom Patrol, she would subsequently depart for a then distant star in order to further develop what she realised was a pupal stage in her ongoing transformation into something larger than herself. In the centuries that followed, Jones became something of a modern myth. Her infrequent appearances on the edge of cosmic events & interstellar disasters earning her the name the Eye of Doom. Jones’ was last seen in the twilight of the 114th century, observed entering the temporal eddy left in the wake of the Quantum Superwoman’s apotheosis.  With no official connection to the Justice League Delta, the Eye’s tenuous role within the group can be best described as an observer. The team returning to their extrasolar headquarters to discover Jones’ simply waiting for them. Since that time, she has done little but observe their activities, intervening only to prevent L.exe’s erasure at the nebulous hands of Please, Mister Nobody was my Father. Call me Darren. Despite evolving beyond the very concept of loyalty, the Eye has in fact returned from a point beyond the 853rd century in order to prepare the Justice Legion Delta for their role in the coming war against the Anti-Danny.

I Watch a Movie I Should Have Seen: Hocus Pocus

I miss doing these entries. Mostly I miss adding movies to my watched list. Obviously, I’ve never seen Hocus Pocus. That’s why we’re here.

What did I know about Hocus Pocus? I knew there were witches and I knew Bette Midler had fun teeth. And she certainly did!

My thoughts:

We open on Salem in the 1600s following the shadow of a flying witch. The music was straight out of the Danny Elfman playbook but I guess they couldn’t get him so they found an equivalent Ray Parker, Jr. to Elfman’s Huey Lewis. (If you don’t know)

Pink smoke comes out of the chimney of the witch house which means someone’s gender reveal party resulted in a girl! Unfortunately they had to sacrifice a different little girl to find out.

The old-timey boy we meet is wearing a shirt that can only be described as billowy. He should take off like a kite when he runs. Yet somehow when he violently tumbles down a forest hill, none of that very excessive fabric gets caught on anything. Is the fabric even there or are we imagining it?

The witches (Sanderson Sisters) use a book made of human skin and a functioning eyeball. I shall call this book “Columbo.”

It’s very nice of them to put a mill wheel next to the witch house for the boy to climb.

Okay, so Bette Midler has lightning fingers like Emperor Palpatine.

I honestly thought the witches were going to be misunderstood and everyone would win at the end but killing a little girl for her youth and turning the boy into an immortal cat really puts a big wrench in the redemption arc chances.

The townspeople stage a hanging. The witches curse the town that they will return much like Pennywise only scarier.

We fast forward to find out that the opening is a story that is told in a Salem high school class where the kids apparently range in age from 14-28.

A new-to-town California boy (Max) doesn’t buy into all the witch lore. No mention on why his first day of school is Halloween. Parents did not plan that move well.

Max is into Allison, the pretty girl in school that leads with her teeth in every conversation. Did Rami Malek pull some his Freddy Mercury from her?

Max rides his bike home from school at super speed. He is either an exceptional mountain biking improviser or he practiced it the day before to be really ready for school. Probably the latter.

On his shortcut through the cemetery, he runs into two kids, Jay and Ice. Jay seems to be all the bad parts of Bill and Ted combined and Ice seems to be 40.

Jay and Ice take Max’s sneakers because that’s what bullies in the early 90s did. It makes pedaling home slower which may be for the best. He rode his bike too quickly.

Max does not like being here in Salem anymore. We learn this as he angrily takes off his hat, backpack, and jacket.

Max comforts himself by awkwardly hugging and cooing to his pillow pretending it’s Allison. His little sister, Dani, catches the awkwardness, gets on the bed, and simulates being Allison which is normal.

The house appears to have an unlimited number of stairs to climb up to get away in frustration.

Max reluctantly takes his sister trick-or-treating. He has the appropriate level of older brother standoffishness.

Jay and Ice stop the sister asking for her candy. Max gives the candy to the bullies and she tells him he should have been a man and fought them. Again one of them is like 40.

Max makes up with her using a pouty face. Like! A! Man!

They find a rich house that they assume will make them bob for apples. This is a bad idea even in non-pandemic times. Never bob for apples at a stranger’s house. No matter how rich they are. That’s how rich people fatten you up to make you easier to hunt.

Max and Dani let themselves inside and start robbing the place of their Raisinets and O Henry bars. Rich people give out terrible candy.

Turns out the rich house belongs to Allison. They are having a party and everyone there is authentically dressed like royals. They did not get any of these costumes at Spirit Halloween.

Dani tells Allison that she can’t wear Allison’s royal dress because she doesn’t have yabbos and proceeds to tell her that Max loves her yabbos. This girl is outrageous. Or rude. It was a fine line in 1993.

Max asks Allison to take them to the Sanderson Sisters’ house. She tells him she’s going to quickly change out of a dress that must have taken her 45 minutes to get into.

The house is no different than it used to be. The spell book is still there. How have Jay and Ice not stolen anything from it?

Immortal Cat attacks Max when he wants to light the “virgin candle” that will bring back the Sanderson sisters. It’s a great sequence where he says the name of the movie (always important), then pulls a Zippo out of his pocket (which all kids who don’t smoke have), and lights the candle.

It starts things. Hair blows a lot. This is why they had Max be a surfer boy from California. For this hair effect.

This movie cares a lot about someone being a virgin. Even Dani knows what a virgin is. Are they covering this in her second grade class? Do the parents know? What does the PTA think?

The candle makes the Sisters return and they try to keep Dani. Bette Midler uses more of her Star Wars lightning fingers but Allison saves the day.

The cat can talk and the chances of me liking this movie just took a huge hit.

Max steals Columbo, the spell book.

The writers of the movie do the right thing by having the Sisters be scared of everything modern like roads and fire trucks. Nice touch.

The Sisters only have tonight, which adds the right amount of stakes, to get the spell book back. I don’t think I could make it if they had a week or so.

The Sisters raise the dead causing a very reluctant zombie (RZ) to chase after the kids. Most zombies love what they do so this is a fun choice.

Immortal Cat gets run over by a bus but lives because he’s immortal. We needed proof because the 300 years of being a cat was not enough.

Garry Marshall plays a guy dressed as the devil which they play for fun as the Sisters worship him but we can’t gloss over that fact that Fake Devil’s wife is played by his real-life sister, Penny Marshall. It’s not disturbing. They’re acting!

Children steal the Sisters’ brooms which probably won’t matter later.

They find a Halloween party that Max’s parents went to. When Max’s dad meets Allison, he kisses her hand. I am going to do the same to whoever my kid brings home one day. “It’s from Hocus Pocus. That movie’s fun. It’s not weird.”

Bette Midler gets to sing a song. That should satisfy the requirements from her contract. The song puts a spell on the partygoers forcing them to dance until they die. Somehow the kids are immune to it. Can they shut off their ears? Are they also magical?

The kids lure the Sisters into the school incinerator and burn them alive. It’s a strong play. The kids celebrate as if there is not 30 minutes left in the movie.

Immortal Cat, in a time of reflection, brings up his sister and Max says “You really miss her, huh?” He has been trapped as a cat after failing to save his sister’s life 300 years earlier. He misses her. Why not “Hey, do you ever wonder what might have happened if you saved her life?”

Without any explanation, the Sisters are fine. They run into Jay and Ice who insult them. The Sisters cage Jay and Ice and make them hang from the witch house ceiling. The bullies are crying. Maybe they aren’t so tough after all. <High Fives No One>

Allison decides to find a spell to uncat Immortal Cat. She opens Columbo causing it to glow. The glow lures Bette Midler and the Sisters to her. Allison fails to notice the glow but learns that salt can keep them safe.

The Sisters steal the book and Dani when Allison only uses the salt to protect herself. She really took care of number one here.

Now Sarah Jessica Parker gets to sing a real creepy song that summons all the children from the town. It really shows you the power of song. Again, Max and Allison must have turned off their hearing for this.

Max and Allison trick the Sisters into thinking sun is coming early by using a car headlight. It works but I don’t understand why. They had the sun 300 years ago. They know what it looks like. “Is that a person in a brown sweat suit and green hat or a tree?”

While the Sisters are scared of the car headlight, Max steals back his sneakers but doesn’t save the bullies. How does he know he won’t need the bullies to be on his side in the future? Has he not seen every other high school movie?

They drive away and Bette Midler brooms after them. We know how fast Max likes to go so it is impressive Bette Midler can keep up.

Reluctant Zombie shows up and Max pulls a knife on him. So Max has a knife and a zippo. He might be a problem.

They take the final showdown to a cemetery which is an odd choice. Why not a miniature golf course or a TCBY. Were they still around in 1993?

Max brings a bat to a magic fight. Allison still has her salt. “Bats and salt: Working together to inconvenience witches since 1881!”

Max sacrifices himself to save Dani. The sun comes up as Bette Midler is sucking the life out of Max. Just when you think it might be a better sun-impersonating headlight, Bette Midler turns into a statue and explodes. Definitely the sun.

Immortal Cat dies so he can be with his sister. Billowy shirt ghost appears to say thanks with a kiss on Dani’s cheek (so normal) before he runs off with his ghost sister for eternity.

They did it! They saved Salem! Quite a first day for Max..

The movie was fine. I hate talking animals unless they are cartoons so that didn’t help. And why did they care so much about virgins? A friend told me that “virgin” meant “pure of heart.” Well then they should have said “pure of heart.” And if I can suggest, between Max’s predilection for weapons and Allison’s selfishness with the salt, I don’t think they should stop being “pure of heart” with each other. They aren’t a good couple. Going through a traumatic thing like killing summoned witches from the Pilgrim days causes feelings that can’t last.

(above: Jack Kirby, John Verpoorten, Glynis Oliver; John Paul Leon; Al Milgrom, Joe Sinnott, Julianna Ferriter; Daniel Acuña)

READING THE ETERNALS

Jack Kirby’s Gods return to the Marvel Universe

PART 1 — INTRODUCTION

“When two aggressive species share the same environment, evolution demands acceptance or dominance.” When Jonathan Hickman’s return to Marvel was first teased in 2019, I thought they might do something unexpected and announce a new Eternals series. Kevin Feige had revealed an Eternals movie not too long before, so it seems possible. I knew practically nothing about the characters, aside from Sersi being an Avenger, that it was Jack Kirby’s baby, and they were tied to the Celestials. I met these massive Space Gods in the beloved 1999 miniseries Earth X. That series includes a basic recap of the Eternals and Deviants in service of an epic plot surrounding the Celestials and their relationship to Earth.

The Hickman rumors sparked an interest in the characters, so I decided to read the original run from the beginning. What I found out is that there’s a lot of silly fun to these characters and I’m genuinely excited for the movie. The concept is weird and doesn’t quite have the same generative power as, say, the Fantastic Four, but it’s still enjoyable and Jack Kirby’s art is always a treat for the eyeballs. It’s easy to get caught up on all the essentials, since these characters are used so infrequently, but their presence is heavily seeded throughout the Marvel Universe. I’ve put together this reading guide to offer a roadmap for anyone wanting to take a deep-dive into THE ETERNALS!

WHO?

The Eternals are secretly one of three branches of the human race that were ENGINEERED BY ALIENS (a fact that gets reiterated nearly every time they appear in a comic). Yes, it’s that old urban legend that human evolution was kickstarted by extraterrestrial influence. In this case, massive space beings called the Celestials came to Earth and did experiments on apes, resulting in homo sapiens, but also the Eternals, powerful god-like beings, and Deviants, “monsters” who have unstable genes so no two are alike. Make of that what you will, it’s kind of messed up. Anyway, many thousands of years after their first visit, the Celestials return to Earth again to check up on their creations, and to see if the planet is worthy to survive.

PART 2 — KIRBY

The main draw of this series is Kirby’s art, weird ideas, and how funny all the characters are as they strut around exclaiming everything. What’s interesting here is that it’s not actually a part of the Marvel Universe - there’s an issue halfway through where they fight a robot Hulk, which is pretty explicitly based on a fictional character. The best characters in the whole book are Sersi, who is a hip, with-it party girl, Thena, and of course the Deviant leader Kro (the romance between the latter two is very good).

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The Eternals (1976) #1–6 — Where it all begins!! WHO ARE THE SPACE GODS? Some human archaeologists discover, with the help of a disguised Eternal, the big secret of the human race, and their relationship to Eternals, Deviants, and the Celestials who created them. This kicks off the series and the first arc where all the various Eternals are brought out of hiding as the Deviants, led by Kro, launch an effort to keep the Celestials from returning to judge their creations - this includes an attack on New York where the Deviants pose as demons from space hell. Meanwhile, the Fourth Celestial Host arrives on Earth…

The Eternals (1976) #7–13 — Picking up after the attack on New York, the human race is now formally introduced to its ancient siblings. This arc starts to get more into the relationships of the characters, with Sersi getting thirsty for a flummoxed, stuffed-shirt anthropologist, while Kro and Thena drop hints of a previous romance. Through their story, we see more of Deviant society, which introduces future BFFs The Reject and Karkas. Meanwhile, the Celestials are floating around the planet making observations like colossal roombas and freaking out humanity who start to get very worried. We also see the introduction of the Uni-Mind, where all the Eternals fly into a blue flame and emerge as one giant brain-thing. In this form, they leave Earth for a while.

The Eternals Annual (1977) #1 — A fun little adventure with Thena, The Reject, and Karkas (who has a human disguise in this) dealing with some Deviant menace who brings Jack the Ripper and Atilla the Hun to the present day to cause mayhem. The Eternals (1976) #14-17 - The momentum of the series comes to a halt - the Uni-Mind returns to Earth and the Eternals get swept up in a battle with a robotic Hulk who goes on the loose, and then a secret, all-powerful monster that Zuras was hiding in the basement.

The Eternals (1976) #18–19 — Probably with the knowledge that cancellation is nigh, the story picks up again. Druig becomes obsessed with uncovering the whereabouts of a secret weapon that is able to kill the Celestials (planting the seeds for the Dreaming Celestial). Ikaris tries his hardest to stop his cousin’s folly and avert the wrath of the Space Gods and I think it eventually comes to an end when the Celestials make Druig disappear? I guess this is when Jack Kirby peaced out of Marvel…

CREDITS* full series (Writing/Pencils - Jack Kirby; Inks - John Verpoorten, Mike Royer; Colors - Glynis Oliver; Lettering - Gaspar Saladino, John Costanza, Irving Watanabe, Mike Royer)

PART 3 — JOINING THE 616

Since the original series kind of was cut short with Kirby’s departure, the Eternals’ story gets picked up in other Marvel comics, where the heroes slowly learn about their existence.

Thor Annual (1976) #7 — Since the original series kind of was cut short with Kirby’s departure, the Eternals’ story gets picked up in other Marvel comics. This issue starts off a storyline where Thor recovers memories of the Celestials and some secret that Odin has been keeping from him.

(Writing - Roy Thomas; Pencils - Walter Simonson; Inks - Ernie Chan; Colors - Glynis Oliver; Lettering - Tom Orzechowski)

Thor (1966) #283-289, 291, 300-301 — Spurred on by his meeting of the Eternals, Thor takes the question to Odin. Odin won’t tell him anything, so this sets Thor off on a journey that takes him to the Eternals, the Deviants, and eventually the lead Celestial, The One Above All, who shows him hints of a deal between Celestials, Odin, Zeus, Zuras, and the other deities of Earth. Joining forces with the Eternals, Thor tries to stop the Fourth Hosts’ judgement of Earth which puts them at odds with the Norse and Greek gods. Thor finally learns the whole truth just in time to stand against the Celestials on the Day of Judgement. This is the big culmination of everything that started in The Eternals #1!

(Writing - Roy Thomas, Mark Gruenwald, Ralph Macchio; Pencils - John Buscema, Keith Pollard; Inks - Chic Stone, Gene Day; Colors - George Roussos, Glynis Oliver, Marie Severin, Bob Sharen, Carl Gafford; Lettering - Joe Rosen, Tom Orzechowski)

Iron Man Annual (1970) #6 — Rhodey is flying around and accidentally happens upon the Eternals’ city, but it’s overrun by Deviants! They’ve incapacitated all the Eternals and are trying to steal their power source or something.

(Writing - Peter Gillis; Pencils - Luke McDonnell; Inks - Roy Richardson; Colors - Carl Gafford; Lettering - Diana Albers)

Eternals: Secrets from the Marvel Universe (2019) #1 — This one-shot collects a series of backup stories that ran in What If? through the early 1980s. This covers the established origin of the Eternals and Deviants, but also goes into more detail about the branch of Eternals who left Earth to populate the solar system. It also ties in the Inhumans and creates a relationship between these two very similar groups of characters.

(Writing - Mark Gruenwald, Ralph Macchio, Peter Gillis; Pencils - Ron Wilson, Rich Buckler, Bruce Patterson; Inks - Chic Stone, Alan Kupperberg, Bruce Patterson, Joe Sinnott; Colors - Carl Gafford, Ed Hannigan, Nel Yomtov, Glynis Oliver; Lettering - Michael Higgins, John Morelli, Tom Orzechowski)

Avengers (1963) #246-248 — The Avengers crash one of Sersi’s parties and get dragged with her back to Olympia for some Eternals business. There we find out about the Eternals who went to Titan, and everyone finds out Starfox is an Eternal. The main plot involves a supervillain infiltrating Olympia to steal the power of the Uni-Mind. At the end of this story, the majority of lesser-known Eternals decide to leave Earth in a Uni-Mind for good, greatly narrowing their cast to just the essentials.

(Writing - Roger Stern; Pencils - Al Milgrom; Inks - Joe Sinnott; Colors - Christie Scheele, Julianna Ferriter; Lettering - Jim Novak, Diana Albers)

The Eternals (1985) #1-12 — This is actually a solid series, and does a huge amount to introduce new concepts and characters into the Eternals. It’s more of a standard Marvel superhero comic than Kirby’s weirdness, which perhaps allows it to fit more neatly into the greater shared universe. The best thing is that it features a lot of Kro and Thena as the latter becomes leader of the Eternals despite them not taking her seriously, and the former becoming embroiled in a sectarian power struggle with Ghuar (that guy from “Atlantis Attacks”) to lead the Deviants. The two find their love rekindled, putting them at odds with the other Eternals (Ikaris is a big asshole in this). Meanwhile, Sersi collects more human pets, including a guy she saves from suicide and tries to show that life is worth living. Central to everyone’s machinations is a plot to harness the power of the Celestials, playing off of the hints left by Kirby about the Celestial who was killed during the Second Host (this is the continuing foundation for the Dreaming Celestial idea).

(Writing - Peter Gillis, Walter Simonson; Pencils - Sal Buscema, Keith Pollard, Paul Ryan; Inks - Al Gordon, Keith Williams, Danny Bulanadi, Sam de la Rosa, Al Williamson, Tom Morgan, Geof Isherwood; Colors - George Roussos, Bob Sharen; Lettering - Joe Rosen, John Morelli, Rick Parker)

The Eternals: Herod Factor (1991) #1 — A little one-shot that is fun largely because it ultimately is about Thena and Kro. It’s written by Roy Thomas so doesn’t stray too far from established canon.

(Writing - Roy Thomas, Dann Thomas; Pencils - Mark Texiera; Inks - Bob McLeod, Christopher Ivy, Mark McKenna, Ian Akin, Sam de la Rosa; Colors - Mike Thomas, Dana Moreshead; Lettering - Jean Simek)

PART 4 — SERSI & THE AVENGERS

Despite the Forgotten One (aka Gilgamesh) joining the Avengers in issue #300, he doesn’t seem to have ever made much of an impression. His tenure does little more than to lead the team to another, more famous Eternal - the cosmopolitan Sersi! She definitely makes her mark on the team in the early 90’s. For better or worse!

Avengers (1963) #307-310, 325 — Gilgamesh is injured in battle, leading the Avengers to seek out the aid of his fellow Eternals - except Sprite has transported all of Olympia to the Negative Zone. After helping fend off Blastaar, Sersi joins the team in Gilgamesh’s stead. At this point she becomes a series regular and fans can start reading Avengers from here for more. Issue #325 is a great fill-in by Mark Gruenwald that features Sersi at her best – throwing a party and hitting on stymied squares.

(Writing - John Byrne; Pencils - Paul Ryan; Inks - Tom Palmer; Colors - Christie Scheele, Tom Fine; Lettering - Bill Oakley, Rick Parker)

Avengers (1963) #325 — A great fill-in by Mark Gruenwald that features Sersi at her best — throwing a party and hitting on stymied squares.

(Writing - Mark Gruenwald; Pencils - Rick Levins; Inks - Fred Fredericks [et al]; Colors - Ed Lazellari; Lettering - Brad K. Joyce)

Avengers (1963) #370-371 — Kro works at the Pentagon and has an outreach database for Deviants, which he uses to form Delta-Force! This team includes his kids with Thena who have the ability to merge into a grotesque fusion, and they need to save the Avengers from Ghaur.

(Writing - Glenn Herdling; Pencils - Geof Irsherwood, Mike Gustovich; Inks - Al Milgrom, Kevin Yates, Tom Palmer; Colors - Chris Matthys; Lettering - Bill Oakley)

Avengers (1963) #339, 344-347, 355-366, 372-375 — This is Bob Harras’ grand epic to ruin Sersi. After Sersi forms a version of the Uni-Mind with a bacteria-based group of Eternals (it’s… a thing), her behavior becomes erratic, presumably some Eternals mind-sickness. She begins to fawn all over Black Knight, linking to him in a soulmate ritual against his consent (he’s falling in love with Crystal). It’s all because of an alternate-reality Black Knight who wants to get revenge on Sersi because his version broke his heart. When everything is finally resolved, Sersi and Black Knight enter a wormhole and leave the dimension. At least Sersi has a cool costume.

(Writing - Bob Harras; Pencils - Steve Epting, Gordon Purcell; Inks - Tom Palmer, Steve Alexandrov, Fred Fredericks; Colors - Kevin Tinsley, Sarra Mossoff, Scott Marshall, Evan Skolnick, Tom Palmer, Gina Going, John Kalisz; Lettering - Bill Oakley, Michael Higgins, Rick Parker)

Heroes for Hire (1997) #5-7 — Sersi returns to a post-Onslaught 616 universe to warn about another plot by Ghaur to form an “Anti-Mind.” He’s been resurrected as a giant gold statue and is controlling all the Deviants. Once the day is saved, Sersi goes off on her separate way, with her bond to Black Knight severed at last.

(Writing - John Ostrander; Pencils - Pasqual Ferry; Inks - Jaime Mendoza; Colors - Joe Rosas; Lettering - Jonathan Babcock)

PART 5 — REBIRTH & DEATH / THE MODERN ERA

Having exhausted the story potential of the Eternals throughout the 80s and 90s, Marvel decided to pull in a ringer to give the franchise a reboot.

The Eternals (2006) #1-7 — the Eternals have all forgotten who they are thanks to Sprite, and the return of the Dreaming Celestial forces them to wake up… I am not a big fan of this run, and hold a bit of a grudge against it. John Romita Jr’s art is good though, especially when he’s drawing big bulky things. The biggest shame is that the Deviants are pretty generic here, and Kro is nowhere to be found. I mostly recommend reading this because it reintroduces the Eternals in the modern era and sets up the scenario for the next volume, with Makkari taking center stage and arranging Druig and Tiamet, the Dreaming Celestial on the board.

(Writing - Neil Gaiman; Pencils - John Romita Jr; Inks - Danny Miki, Tim Townsend, Tom Palmer, Jesse Delperdang, Klaus Janson; Colors - Matt Hollingsworth, Dean White, Paul Mounts; Lettering - Todd Klein)

The Eternals (2008) #1-6 — Druig is brainwashing as many Eternals as possible to his cause as Thena and Ikaris race against him. The heart of the story, though, is how Makkari is being used as a megaphone/alarm system by the Dreaming Celestial to warn about an intergalactic menace called the Horde that is coming to consumer Earth - a role that is overtaking his personality like an addiction. Sersi gets some good scenes in this but her character is kind of diminished in favor of Makkari. The story is actually pretty interesting, and salvages a lot of the ideas that Gaiman brought to the table. There’s a three issue X-Men crossover after this but I don’t have much to recommend it - Acuña’s not even drawing it.

(Writing - Charles Knauf, Daniel Knauf; Art - Daniel Acuña; Lettering - Todd Klein)

Thor: The Deviants Saga (2011) #1-5 — A little romp with Thor that takes the newer elements established by Gaiman and the Knaufs and brings them more in line with the previous depictions of the mythos. It does include a lot of details and references that Eternals fans should get a kick out of – Karkas and Ransak play a large role, Deviant Ereshkigal makes a return as does Ikaris’ dad Virako, there’s a lot of Kro – but it’s kind of meandering and doesn’t amount to that much. It ends with the entire cast essentially writing themselves out of future appearances.

(Writing - Robert Rodi; Pencils - Stephen Segovia; Inks - Jason Paz, Jeff Huet; Colors - Andy Troy, Will Quintana; Lettering - Jeff Eckleberry, John Rauch)

The Ultimates 2 (2017) #4, 6, 100 — Overall this is an amazing series, but as it pertains to this reading list, these issues shed light on the origins of the Marvel Universe, and thus, the Celestials. Created in the very first iteration of the cosmos, they not only have survived the many subsequent deaths and rebirths of the Multiverse, but they stand in opposition to a host of opposite, evil Celestials, known as the Aspirants. The Aspirants lay waste to the Celestials, who manage to live on through the surviving One Above All (this is even after the Celestials were seemingly all killed by the Beyonders in New Avengers [2013] #30).

(Writing - Al Ewing; Art - Travel Foreman, Filipe Andrade, Marco Lorenzana, Scott Hanna [Inks]; Colors - Dan Brown, Matt Yackey; Lettering - Joe Sabino)

Avengers (2018) #1-6, 8 — This series combines with Aspirants with the Horde of the last Eternals series to introduce the Dark Celestials, retconning the Celestial’s origin even further. The evil Dark Celestials have killed off their more colorful brethren and are coming to destroy Earth. Meanwhile, the Eternals are found to have all killed each other for some related reason. Ikaris holds out long enough to give Iron Man the power to make a Uni-Mind, which saves the day. The Celestials return and are cured of their Horde sickness – in return, they give the Avengers an ancient Celestial corpse to live in. Not my favorite, but as of this writing, it is the last time any of these concepts have appeared in the comics.

(Writing - Jason Aaron; Pencils - Ed McGuiness, Paco Medina, David Marquez; Inks - Mark Morales, Jay Leisten, Juan Vlasco, Karl Story; Colors - David Curiel, Justin Ponsor; Lettering - Cory Petit)

The History of the Marvel Universe (2019) #1 — As the name implies, this is a straightforward and beautiful explanation of the MU’s origins and the role the Celestials play, told from today’s vantage point with all the retcons and retrofitting that have happened over the years. Includes the obligatory origin of the Eternals and Deviants and the first three Hosts of the Celestials.

(Writing - Mark Waid; Pencils/Inks - Javier Rodriguez; Colors - Álvaro López; Lettering - Joe Caramagna)

PART 6 — XTRA-CREDIT

Being an X-Men fan, it's worth noting the times when the Eternals, Deviants, and Celestials have run into the mutants.

X-Factor (1986) #43-50 — Judgement War! X-Factor ends up on another planet which is visited by its own Celestial Host. The team gets involved between a set of Eternals and Deviant-type sects, trying to stop the Celestials from judging them unworthy.

(Writing - Louise Simonson; Pencils - Paul Smith, Rich Buckler; Inks - Al Milgrom; Colors - Tom Vincent; Lettering - Joe Rosen)

X-Force (1991) #77, 79, 82-90, 96-97 — X-Force starts running into people associated with the Damocles Foundation - a group of Deviants, Eternals, and Humans.

(Writing - Joseph Harris, John Francis Moore; Pencils - Adam Pollina, Jim Cheung, Angel Unzueta, Terry Shoemaker, Anthony Williams; Inks - Mark Morales, Rob Stull, Ray McCarthy, Bud LaRosa, Harry Candelario, Scott Koblish, Derek Mei, Scott Elmer; Colors - Marie Javins, Steve Buccellato, Mike Thomas; Lettering - Comicraft, Chris Eliopoulos)

Earth X (1999) #0-X — Issue 0 is basically Uatu explaining the history of the Marvel Universe to X-51, with a heavy emphasis on the role of the Celestials. This includes a very brief discussion of the Eternals and Deviants, but mostly focuses on the creation of humanity and the birth of super heroes, as the various Celestial Hosts visit Earth. By issue 9, the Celestials return for their Fifth and final Host, and more of their relationship to earth and Uatu is revealed as the remaining heroes defend their planet. Really really good and a must-read in general, even if the Eternals themselves are just footnotes. John Paul Leon makes the Celestials look like the coolest things the Marvel Universe has ever produced. The Reject does get to play a role in the sequel Universe X, though.

(Writing - Jim Krueger, Alex Ross; Pencils - John Paul Leon; Inks - Bill Reinhold; Colors - Matt Hollingsworth, James Sinclair, Melissa Edwards; Lettering - Todd Klein)

New Eternals: Apocalypse Now (2000) #1 — Apocalypse is behind some ill-defined plot that involves destroying Lemuria and turning Karkas into a kaiju. Ikaris’ father Virako is brought back, and they have some quarrels over leadership. This is another good one for Eternals fans but it’s kind of incomprehensible. At the end, the Eternals adopt new superhero identities as “the New Breed,” but this is never mentioned again.

(Writing - Karl Bollers, Mike Higgins; Pencils - Joe Bennett; Inks - Scott Hanna; Colors - John Kalisz; Lettering - Benchmark)

Uncanny X-Men (2012) #1-3 — Mr. Sinister messes with the Dreaming Celestial and it’s bad news for the planet. Magneto comes in handy.

(Writing - Kieron Gillen; Pencils - Carlos Pacheco, Jorge Molina, Rodney Buchemi, Paco Diaz; Inks - Cam Smith, Roger Bonet, Walden Wong; Colors - Frank D'armata, Rachelle Rosenberg, Jim Charalampidis, Dono Sánchez-Almara, Rex Lokus; Lettering - Joe Caramagna)

There’s more stuff with Eternals in it throughout the Marvel Universe, and even more with the Celestials, but this is pretty foundational and focused on the Eternals of Earth. Most of this stuff is on Marvel Unlimited, and the stuff that isn’t is looking like it will be included in a new Omnibus - ”The Complete Saga” - (currently scheduled for December, 2020), like the 1985 series and the “Herod Factor” one-shot. With the MCU movie scheduled for February 2021, it’s highly likely we may be seeing a new series before too long. I recently came across this fascinating bit of research on the behind-the-scenes of Jack Kirby’s work on the The Eternals -- check it out! Four Color Primer: Sersi & The Eternals Part 1

*issue credits gathered from marvel.fandom.com

There’s a tornado coming towards my town and we’re all huddled in shelters. Got anything lying around to distract me?

I sure fucking do now!

I’ll give you two, here’s the first under the cut. I wrote it today, it’s basically Matthew Murdock’s Steps for How to Make a Family:

How to Make a Family

By Matt Murdock

Step 1. Have a dad.

Step 2. Lose your dad. Bemiserable. Great job, everyone. We’re doing amazing so far.

Step 3. Attempt to find areplacement dad.

Step 4. Fail abysmally.Like, make that shit stunning. Literally ruin your life for the rest of alleternity. Make yourself physically unlovable by all potential foster families,church members, and living humans. Don’t worry if you get tripped up by thisstep, you can repeat this one as many times as it takes for you to learn agoddamn lesson, but be equally warned: you will not learn that goddamn lesson.

Step 5. Go to law schoolbecause fuck it, why the hell not?

Step 6: fall in stupid,hopeless love with your roommate

Step 7: do not account forthe fact that the roommate maybe loves you back. Fuck no. REPRESS. THAT. SHIT.

Step 8. No longer repressthat shit. Accept the roommate. Embrace the roommate. Maybe drunkenly kiss theroommate and then make extraordinarily poor decisions with the roommateinvolving, at least at first, truly horrendous sex on a twin-sized bed.

Step 9. Meet your soulmatein the form of a tiny, angry woman set up to ruin your life by the first faileddad figure.

Step 10. Do not commit murder.

Step 11. Wave goodbye toyour soulmate and sob helplessly on your roommate. Don’t worry. Roomie ain’tgoing anywhere. Cling to this because it is the only thing you’ve got going foryou for the next three years.

Step 12. Have a fuckloadof casual and unhealthy relationships.

Step 13. Graduate.Accidently make a nemesis out of your roommate’s girlfriend who knows more thanhe does and possibly you do that you would do anything to be with the roommate.Including steal him from a perfectly respectable internship with a perfectlyrespectable job offer at the end of it.

Step 14. Set up a lawfirm.

Step 15. Acquire a client.This is family member #2. You will now kill for her. Congratulations.

Step 16. Attempt tosemi-murder some Russians

Step 17. Get found by yourroommate!!

Step 18. Get abandoned byyour roommate!! Well done, everyone, we are back down to one family member.Let’s hope nothing bad happens to them!!

Step 19. Get re-found byyour roommate!! Attempt to make up. Lie a lot about being better and morehonest in future. That’ll show ‘em.

Step 20. Become aterrorist?? Maybe skip this step if possible.

Step 21. Make anintentional nemesis of the Punisher. Congratulations! You have found familymember #3! It doesn’t matter if you don’t fucking want him, he’s yours now,baby!

Step 22. Ruin everyone inyour family’s lives with a botched trial! Break up with the Roommate. Cut tieswith family member #2. Do not fuck her.

Step 23. Re-kindle yoursexual relationship with your soulmate. Oh, by the way, she’s back. We’re goingto call her family member #4 now, ‘cause she’s harder to kill than a fuckingcockroach.

Step 24. Make the mistakeof allowing The Punisher (nemesis) and the soulmate to join forces.

Step 25: Just fuckingmurder your soulmate. Do it, you coward. Yeah, suffer them consequences, youpiece of shit.

Step 26. Get smashed. Getangry. Go out and nigh-eviscerate some folks. Don’t worry, you’ve got a couplemonths for this step/spiral.

Step 27. Trip over theSpider. Menace him. Say it’s his fault. Ignore all apologies and tell theSpider to get and keep the fuck out of your city or else. That’ll fix him.

Step 28. Go on anotherbender. Drink too much. Forget to eat. It’s fine, you’re not alone, you’llalways have the Devil to talk to.

Step 29. Accidently kickthe Spider in the head. Realize now that the Spider is approximately 12 yearsold and you just kicked him in the fucking head. Holy fuck, you fucking disgrace.You fucking child abuser. You are no better from your sensei, not evenan iota.

Step 30. Feel bad.

Step 31. Go on, you ain’tdone yet. I’ll tell you when to fucking stop.

Step 32. Orchestrateanother trip over the Spider. Do it gently this time. Make the same kind offuss but, when his voice does the horrible wavering thing, clear yours andannounce obnoxiously that there’s only one thing to do to stop this and its toteach the Spider how to fight properly.

Congratulations! You have foundfamily member #5! Aw, he’s so happy. Oh wow, he’s still talking.

Jesus fuck. He’s stilltalking.

Step 33. Meet Deadpool.Make tracks. You are an idiot, but not that kind of idiot.

Step 34. Meet Deadpool.Nearly die. Admit that Deadpool might have just saved your goddamn life.Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.

Step 35. Accidently set afoot outside HK and find yourself in the crossfire between a load of morons,Deadpool and the Spider. Do what you do best. Bask in the awe and approval ofthe giant man and the Spider afterwards.

Step 36. Get charmed ontoa team.

Wait. What?

Step 37.  Investigate: why the fuck is the Spidercrying? Who has made the Spider so distraught? He is 12. 15, whatever. Theymust die, whoever they are.

Eliminate the threat. Maybe, sortof, kind of, give away your identity. It’s fine, it’s a mutual exchange. Hisname’s Peter Parker.

Step 38. Alright, a bigstep made up of many little ones, so stick with me. In the absence of reliablesupervision, make shit decisions. Drink too much. Work too much. Sleep never. FuckDeadpool. Yeah, go on. We all knew it was going to happen with your goddamntrack record, pal. Kind of make up with the Roommate and family member #2. Moreor less get back onto speaking terms with them. Hire an office coordinator andan intern for the summer. But most importantly, meet a tiny angry woman with ascarf. Guess what! She’s family member #6. Hey, y’all are mutual functionalalcoholics. Drink to that, babes.

Step 39. Fuck, there’smore. Okay, well. You’ve always wanted a weird brother. Two weird brothers. Oneweird brother and one big, grumpy brother. Oh, yeah. That’s fine. That’s cool.Let’s call them family members #7 and #8.

Damn, it’s getting kind ofcrowded in here.

Step 40. Hey, so. Dunno ifyou’ve noticed with all the bad decision-making things going on, but Deadpool justwent on a bender with you and brought you home at the end of it. He’s kind ofcool with your whole deal with the Roommate. So, that kind of makes him yourbiggest, weirdest family member. So, welcome #9 to the family.

Step 41. THE SOULMATE ISBACK. Girl, did we miss you!! Yeah, totally go out with her to the bottom of apit. That’s safe.

Step 42. Die.

Step 43. Wake up. That’sright, sleeping beauty. Death is still too kind for the likes of you. Hey, bythe way, this lady? You know her and guess what??? She’s been your fuckin’ momthis whole damn time. Congrats, you’ve found family member generation 1, #2.But now, since you are a fucking self-absorbed, suicidal piece of shit, let’scall her family member #10. Or hell, maybe family member #1, since you’ve lostliterally everything you’ve ever worked for and which ever mattered to you.Hell, yeah. Since you’re gonna die like an idiot soon anyways, why the fuck notstart over?

Hello family member #1. Nice tofinally make your acquaintance. Give us a few days to shake off the shock andwe’ll be right with you.

Step 44. Get the fuck backon the rails. Say thank you and I’m sorry to your goddamn mother, for fuck’ssake, she’s been here the whole damn time.

Step 45. Wake the fuck upand appreciate that the Spider and Deadpool and Jessica and Danny and Luke wereall worried as fuck about you. Feel ashamed for that. Bad dog, no biscuit.

Step 46. Celebrate acouple holidays with the guys.

Step 47. Nearly lose thekid, once to Stark, then once to the city.

That’s your baby brother. Yeah,it’s normal to not stop shaking sometimes.

Step 48. The Roommateloves you, you asshole. He and family member #2 want to start up a new firm.Yeah, it’s pretty great, but don’t cry though, ya moron. People are around.

Step 49. Wake up onemorning and realize that your family looks like the following:

Slightly-estrangedbut well-meaning mother

Best friend withthe great hair and a nose for trouble

Frank fuckingCastle (whether you want him or not)

A highlyfunctional alcoholic who thinks you’re funny but won’t admit it

The strangelittle cult-brother

The strangecult-brother’s girlfriend

Your nursefriend who you fucking failed to appreciate earlier, you shithead

The big,sometimes grumpy bullet-proof brother

Your secretary

A spider

The Spider’s mom

The Spider’sbest friend

The Spider’sother best friend/your intern

The merc with amouth

His cat

Your soulmate

Yourroommate/best friend/life partner

And your dad, youfucking moron, he’s been with you in your heart this whole time.

Step 50. Rinse and repeatthe relevant/applicable steps from 1 to 49 for those persons who seem more orless worth it for the foreseeable future.

In my experience, Gotham is a polarizing TV series. Any superhero-themed program is sure to bring its critics, but Batman is a character near and dear to the American heart—as he is the last universally beloved billionaire—and it was certainly a risk going with a prepubescent Bruce Wayne. I’m a big fan of Gotham, and even I’ll admit that I’m not completely sold on its interpretation of the franchise’s main character. But that’s OK, because Gotham isn’t about Batman. It’s about the villains. And they’re almost all great. This was not an easy list to compile.

Gotham just feels like Batman, and it’s in large part thanks to the carefully crafted, over-the-top performances in some marquee roles, so without further ado, let’s get to the best Gotham villains.

I should also note that it would be impossible to do this properly without some spoilers. I’ll avoid any spoilers from the last few episodes of this season, but if you’re not caught up on this season of the show, some of this will definitely get you up to speed on where everything stands as of the Season Four finale.

15. Captain Nathaniel Barnes Played by: Michael Chiklis Michael Chiklis just looks like a cop, and that alone qualified him for the role of Jim Gordon’s boss. And his evolution from hardened lawman to judge, jury and executioner in the face of the future Commissioner Gordon’s heroics provided this political science major with a stark analogy for the tradeoff between idealism and pragmatism out in the real world. Every conflict of Barnes vs. Gordon centered around the way things should be versus the way things are, and the finale of Chiklis’ arc (for now, no one in this show is ever truly gone) raised good questions about where the line between the vigilante justice of Batman and The Executioner really stands.

14. Ra’s al Ghul Played by: Alexander Siddig The spiritual father of the proceedings carries a heavy burden. Not only must he justify the spiritual aspect of the rise of Batman (and the Joker), but Siddig also has to pull off whatever a 2,000+ year old man looks like. It’s a difficult ask, and he’s not had enough screen time for Ra’s al Ghul to seem like anything more than a narrator guide from a video game, but he’s given plenty of major moments, and he hasn’t come up short yet.

13. Butch Gilzean Played by: Drew Powell What Powell does with a character limited to being the main muscle on the show is the embodiment of the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He is one of the chief figures of strength on Gotham (and that was before he fell in a swamp filled with goop from Indian Hill), but his moments of vulnerability are what bring life to the character. His romance with a woman farther up on this list than he is reflects Butch’s limits, but perhaps new frontiers will be unlocked with his evolution into the famed Solomon Grundy from the comics.

12. Commissioner Gillian Loeb Played by: Peter Scolari Scolari brought a new face to this eternal foil of Batman and Jim Gordon, as the comics’ brusque blackmailer in the pocket of Carmine Falcone has been replaced with a shadowy figure in the pocket of Carmine Falcone. Scolari’s semi-detached performance is a fitting reflection of where our political reality currently resides, and he is very much a figure emblematic of the times.

11. Ivy Pepper Played by: Clare Foley, Maggie Geha and Peyton List Poison Ivy is still in development on the show—as evidenced by the three actors who’ve played her—but all three did well building a foundation for what should be a future supervillain the likes of which Gotham has never seen before. Both adult actors have provided the sex appeal intrinsic to the character’s strategy to exploit the stupid part of straight men’s brains, but it’s the child-in-an-adult’s-body aspect that makes this version of a hall-of-fame Batman character so compelling. After falling in dirty water (superhero origin stories would lead you to believe that the healthiest thing you can do is shower in uranium), Ivy Pepper’s accelerated womanhood might’ve been a missed opportunity for more comic relief, but her relationship with Selena is always engaging. Without it, neither of these characters would have the humanizing characteristics necessary to make their time on Gotham worthwhile.

10. Theo Galavan Played by: James Frain James Frain’s arc on the show was an original storyline, one that began with a plot to kill Bruce Wayne, then elevated him to Mayor, and culminated with him assuming the character Azrael from the comics. Frain’s smooth performance is underlined by an intense focus on a mission that all just feels Batman-y, even though this arc is not found in the comics.

9. Tabitha Galavan Played by: Jessica Lucas Theo was powerful, but his sister got the larger share of the badass genes in the family. Like her brother, Tabitha is an original creation of the show, and even though we’ve since lost Theo (granted, death is far from final in this universe), it’s difficult to envision Gotham without Tabitha at this point. Her romance with Butch is the only one on the show that’s convincing at all (a major new one is still TBD), and she was clearly placed in this universe to provide a positive role model for Catwoman—who did not make this list because she’s still stuck at the kids table with Bruce Wayne. Of all the major muscle on this show, Tabitha is the muscle-iest.

8. Hugo Strange Played by: BD Wong BD Wong has played so many doctors by now that part of me actually believes he is a doctor. Of all the doctors he’s played, my favorite by far is Strange. The main reason why no one on this show will ever die, Wong does a wonderful job of straddling the line between madman and genius—nailing the image of what Gotham’s mad scientist should look like.

7. Barbara Kean Played by: Erin Richards The NBA has a most-improved player of the year award, and Barbara Kean would have won Gotham’s MIP award the last two years. Initially, I lamented Richards’ on-screen demise as she was cast as the generic wet blanket to Jim Gordon’s hero (Kean was Gordon’s wife in the comics). Gotham almost lost me early on with their romance—as I just cannot take network TV’s portrayal of relationships seriously—but this new “take whatever she wants with a freaking glowing hand” version of Kean has unchained Richards, and her talents shine through in every scene. Gothamis right to structure a central narrative around her.

6. Mayor Aubrey James Played by: Richard Kind I’ll admit I’m biased on this one. I’m a politics writer here at Paste, and Kind’s performance as America’s bumbling mayor is a little too real to consider given the madness that America’s former mayor, Rudy Guiliani, is displaying every day on cable news. His portrayal of the character is the perfect summation of every empty-suit politician who ever lived, and it really resonates in a country overflowing with these vessels for the superrich. The mayor’s cowardice behind the scenes when contrasted to his stern public statements is just…*kisses fingers*

5. Victor Zsasz Played by: Anthony Carrigan The infamous hitman is a perfectly sardonic bit of comic relief, as Carrigan always finds the right kind of oomph behind his “Hey, boss, so when should I kill these guys?” salvos. A hyper-competent, semi-powerful character is a difficult needle to thread, as there must be a reason why Zsasz has yet to rise to the level of other A-list Batman villains, and it’s simply because Zsasz loves his job as an assassin-for-hire. It’s not about the power he could gain through his proclivity for mass murder, but the pure, utter nirvana that he derives from of every shootout.

4. The Penguin Played by: Robin Lord Taylor Oswald Cobblepot is not just an awesome name, but a fitting vessel for a character whose only real lasting public face is Danny de Vito’s snarling performance in Batman Returns. Robin Lord Taylor has brought a more refined air to the ringleader of Gotham’s underworld, and The Penguin serves as the yin to Jim Gordon’s yang. The universe of Batman is based on the premise that crime is a major industry in America—oftentimes involving our political leaders, as Mayor James demonstrates. Cobblepot likes to present himself a pragmatic choice in a chaotic world, and when the Gotham City Police Department finds itself with its back against the wall, some of the moral choices he presents are inescapably compelling. If crime is going to exist, why not try to bring some order to it? The GCPD can’t do that, but The Penguin can.

3. The Riddler Played by: Cory Michael Smith When arguing sports, I typically argue that numerical rankings should be eschewed for tiers. It’s difficult to compare a lot of similar folks, and drawing lines in between good, very good, and great is a far simpler task. I bring this up because this is where the top tier begins. Cory Michael Smith’s depiction of what I have always believed to be an underrated villain belongs in the Batman hall-of-fame—and frankly, it’s better than Jim Carrey’s semi-unhinged version (which I also enjoyed). It’s clear whether Smith is playing Edward Nygma or The Riddler simply from his posture and facial expression, which makes the Jekyll and Hyde-ian battle raging inside of him all the more engrossing. (Photo: Michael Lavine/FOX)

2. The Joker Played by: Cameron Monaghan Technically, we’re not allowed to call this character with a high-pitched laugh, a thirst for chaos and a bizarre love of Bruce Wayne (and now a purple jacket!) “The Joker,” as Monaghan revealed on Twitter. You know, copyrights, branding and all. TV stuff. Monaghan’s portrayal of The Joker would make fans of The Dark Knight proud. The choice to literally sew a new face on to Jerome evokes the same uncomfortable madness as Heath Ledger’s scars, and the amount of emotion that Monaghan is able to communicate through that mess with simply his face deserves some kind of award. “Jerome” is a delightful madman who brings an unbridled sense of joy to his criminality. I’m excited to watch this new, more serious iteration of this classic character, but I will desperately miss his home run performance as Gotham’s signature weirdo.

1. Fish Mooney Played by: Jada Pinkett Smith Stick this character in any gangster TV show or movie, and tweak the surrealism depending on context, and she’ll fit—that’s just how good Jada Pinkett Smith is. Fish Mooney did not originate in the comics, and the creators of Gotham should be universally commended for springing such a Gotham-y character to life out of the ether. Granted, Mooney likely wouldn’t be as engrossing if not for Smith’s electric performance. The woman completely owns every single scene she inhabits. Fish Mooney gives this show a good excuse to ignore the rules of death, because why would anyone want to take that out? Screw death and copyright law. Fish Mooney deserves to live on for eternity.

he was angry that mother had found out

Also, 10 x 10: Repetition in Art, an invitational of Front Range artists; and Centum, a collection of 100 pieces from Front Range artists.. Holding her tokar daintily so as not to tread upon its fringes, Daenerys Targaryen eased herself onto the chair’s plush velvet seat, and Hizdahr zo Loraq went to his knees, unlaced her sandals, and washed her feet whilst fifty eunuchs sang and ten thousand eyes looked on. Daenerys would have prohibited contests between women as well, but Barsena

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FEEL THROUGH

FEEL THROUGH by Danny Caing Date Written:  April 8, 2019

CHAPTER 1  THE PRESENT DAY

Location:  Fite Road,  Woodstock,  Memphis, Tennessee, USA

Zora's father died in a car accident when she was born blind.  Her mother,  Cindy,  works at the Grace Community Church,  a walking distance from their house.  She inherited the small bungalow house from her husband with two rooms and a basement.  Since Zora was born,  they stayed in the basement as their permanent room.  The rooms on the ground floor was a library and music or playroom for Zora.

When Zora celebrated her 8th birthday,  there were 32 guests in her house mostly from the family members of the church.  She was allowed to touch their faces and played with other kids. The visitors were surprised when Zora mentioned their names after touching their faces since it was the first time they met her.  She told them that in fact, she had seen them in her dreams and could recognize them in their voice.

KEITH WILLIAMS:  Well,  it's good to hear you've seen us in your dreams, Zora.

ZORA: We certainly met each other many times Mr. Williams. You were worried about Brad in the Middle East War. Gloria just graduated from Woodstock High School.

Everyone in the room was surprised to hear what just Zora had said. Cindy tried to interfere with their discussion and hopefully divert their attention.  But Keith insisted more to know everything about what Zora had said because he was a bachelor.

KEITH WILLIAMS:  Who is Brad?  And who is Gloria?

ZORA:  They are your kids,  Mr. Williams.  I'm sorry that your wife died in a plane crash.  She was a beautiful and smart lady.

CINDY:  Please stop!  I'm sorry, this is enough!  Zora is confused.  It's the first time she has this many crowds.

LILIBETH McHOLM:  Your child is gifted,  Cindy.  She can see the future.  She can save lives if that's what she has foretold about Keith's destiny.

ZORA:  Hello,  Mrs. McHOLM! I wish to congratulate your son,  Henry,  as one of the top notches on the Bar Examination.

LILIBETH McHOLM:  My son,  Henry,  is going to be a lawyer?  But he's still in high school. You can recognize my voice.

ZORA: He's going to be a Senator from this state.

All the guests in the room were interested in Zora's dreams and everyone wanted to participate in the conversation. Pastor Frederick Newstone was amazed by her wisdom. He wanted to test her if she believes in God and not influenced by the devil.

PASTOR NEWSTONE:   Do you believe in Jesus Christ,  Zora?  

ZORA:  Jesus is the Living Word of God.  John 1:14 it says, THE WORD BECAME FLESH AND MADE DWELLING AMONG US. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.  

PASTOR NEWSTONE:  How come she knows all these things,  she's only an eight years old girl?

CINDY:  She always listens to the Bible Study program on the radio and T.V. shows for two years now. And she has been telling me to fix my eyes on Jesus Words.

PASTOR NEWSTONE:  Why Jesus Words,  Zora? God is everywhere and not only in Words.  

ZORA:  You pray to communicate with God.  But when you read Jesus Words,  God is speaking to you through the Holy Spirit.  John 8:47 says HE WHO BELONGS TO GOD HEARS WHAT GOD SAYS. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.

ABBY HOUSTON:  Are you suggesting that we will concentrate on reading Jesus Words in the four gospels?   What verse in the gospel that says we must focus on His Words?

ZORA:  John 15:1-8 says,  I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  YOU ARE ALREADY CLEAN BECAUSE OF THE WORD I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me?  I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.  IF YOU REMAIN IN ME AND MY WORDS REMAIN IN YOU, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

RICHARD MONTEREY:  What about the Old Scriptures and the Acts to revelation?

ZORA:   Matthew 5:17 says,  do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but TO FULFILL THEM.  The Modern Church has instead fallen in love with Paul, or, more correctly, the points in Paul's writings that soften the requirements of costly grace which Jesus taught. This causes a vying for control over the church. Either Paul and his Dispensation of Grace applies, or Jesus and His costly grace gospel apply. We have developed two masters. Mainstream Christian theologians largely defend dismissing Jesus' words as applicable only to a prior dispensation of Law. Sometimes this is called Dispensationalism or Covenant Theology, but it all ends up the same: marginalizing Jesus' words. Paul teaches us that it is necessary to treat Jesus's teachings pre-resurrection as irrelevant.   There are at least 24 doctrines of Paul that contradict Jesus' teachings.  And Matthew 7: 24-25 says,  Therefore everyone who heard these WORDS OF MINE and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

AUDREY SANDERS:  In John 14:6,  Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

ZORA:  John 1: 1-2 says,  In the beginning, was THE WORD, and THE WORD WAS WITH GOD, and THE WORD WAS GOD. JESUS WAS WITH GOD IN THE BEGINNING.  John 16:6-8 says,  I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your WORD. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. I gave them the WORDS you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.  

BERNADETTE LEWIS:  John 3:16   For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

ZORA:  John 14:9,  Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? John 10:27 says,  My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  John 8: 51 Jesus said,  I tell you the truth, if anyone KEEPS MY WORD, he will never see death.  

PASTOR NEWSTONE:  Are Jesus JESUS WORDS?  We focus on the person Jesus Christ,  not His Words.

ZORA:  Luke 21:33 says,  Heaven & Earth will pass away, but MY WORDS will never pass away. The words of Jesus Christ are life-changing and timeless. When Jesus spoke, lives were transformed and the trajectory of life forever altered. Whether you are just beginning to seek Jesus or have been a believer for years, JESUS WORDS can always speak new truths into your life!  JESUS IS THE LIVING WORD OF GOD.   JESUS is human as God.  JESUS WORDS is God, the human body JESUS and the HOLY SPIRIT. John 16:13 says, But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.

CHAPTER 2  THE FUTURE

Location:  Fite Road,  Woodstock,  Memphis, Tennessee, USA Date:   August 17, 2083,  8:32 A.M. Tuesday,

There are so many visitors from all over the country in the house of Zora,  judges, doctors, scientists,  engineers,  astronauts, celebrities, newscasters, businessmen,  senators,  and generals of the armed forces.  They brought the families with them,  friends and relatives.  The house has an extension with a mini-stadium that can accommodate 2,000 guests. Every year people who knew Zora gathered together to seek a piece of advice from her dreams.   When Zora's blindness was healed she lost her dreams.  Cindy had been bedridden for years was also healed by an old faith healer named Leo.  They let the old man stay in their house for a week because of the bad weather at that time.  Later he left them without saying goodbye. A great storm is coming, that's why the guests are gathered together today. It is not an ordinary storm.  Auroras appear on the eastern sky starts to rumble, everyone is holding hands and kneeling together while Zora leads the prayer.

ZORA:  This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Background Music: "Feel Through" by Danny Caing https://soundcloud.com/imago-within/feel-through-by-danny-caing

All Rights Reserved Wonderful Stories Limited Copyrighted @ 2019

20 THOUGHTS: Spud

1.        Far greater and more important tributes will be paid for Danny Frawley on fair greater and more important platforms by far greater and more important people. 

But whilst it will not go undersold here that he was a cherished, beloved and legendary father, husband, friend, captain, teammate, coach, leader, colleague, commentator, analyst, he was also a great and important personality in so many of our lives. 

Chances are, and it helps I know the vast majority of this column’s recipients, that most who read this would at some stage have engaged in the weekend Triple M football coverage, be it a must-have outlet in consuming their footy media or as a knockabout way to unwind on a weekend. 

The week is for work but the weekend is to rest and to play and for so many of us it meant the Saturday Rub and their self-deprecating, piss-taking, barley football-themed banter that we all enjoyed and got a lot from. 

Spud was paramount to that. We may not fully at the time but now can appreciate how much his work on the wireless gave to our lives. To this day we could all remember how memorable, funny and enjoyable all of that was. 

For me I think to when he spent ten minutes giving Garry Lyon a complete once over on his demeanour in his return to rescue Melbourne, it was some of his best work. “The Sheriff’s back in town!” Or any of their 360 feedback session were great, too when he christened Tony Jones as Chompers or went for ‘Haircut’ Timms, the list goes on. Hit up YouTube or the Triple M footy podcast and reminisce. 

So for us, we remember Spud for many things, be it Bounce, Richmond coach, or St Kilda legend. But in amongst that and so much more we pause, remember and thank Spud for the laughs, memories and outlet his personality provided us all every weekend. A tough day was always lightened by the humour Spud brought every single time. 

The last ten years may have been tougher than Spud deserved but he leaves behind a legacy to be proud of. Not just in terms of football and then entertaining so many of us, but with regard mental health too. 

RUOk day is this Thursday and Spud was an ambassador for it. But one day is never enough. Every day and any day is a day to check in with someone. And perhaps don’t literally ask them if they’re ok, have a longer chat than usual with someone you cherish, get a sense of where they’re at. Or better still, have a conversation with someone you only just know that you otherwise wouldn’t. Get a read. And if you think something’s off – you’re probably right. 

And if nothing else this Thursday, or Friday, or later today – do it because Spud would want us too. 

So to Spud, please rest easy now big fella, you’ve earned it. The troubles are behind you but the impressions you’ve left on many, those who knew you or many like us that only felt like we did, will live on for eternity.   

Rest up now, mate.

The rest of this seems trivial but let’s drift elsewhere...

2.       Patrick Dangerfield. Looked immense in that second half, in fact it appeared he was single-handedly dragging his team within a sniff, and given the margin in the end was just the ten points credit it to him for that. But in the first half, going the other way, he was to blame as anyone in a hooped jumper. Danger had as many tackles for the game as De Goey did. In the first half where the Pies were running ragged, it was the Geelong midfield who weren’t up to stopping them, and no.35 was one of the main culprits. Sure. When you’re that good running ‘that way’ then you might be forgiven. But in a big final, where the game was lost in the first 40 or so minutes, not running ‘the other way’ kinda makes all that jazzy, sexy, look at me stuff in the second half all a bit redundant for mine; it’s the reason he is playing this Friday and not having a weekend off, really.

3.       Silver lining to the De Goey injury – this column isn’t sold he, Elliott and Stephenson are ready to click in the same team. Sure, they’re all clearly best 22 so on talent alone no De Goey is a net loss, no question. But the impact, negatively, of not getting the best out of one or two of that trio because the meshing, the chemistry, the most effective structure to play them in doesn’t exist, or exist yet, is one worth avoiding. Doesn’t mean De Goey’s injury is a good thing, doesn’t mean their premiership chances are assisted, if anything they’re worse off. But it’s a problem that goes away, at the same time, which is a silver lining for sure.

4.       Six of Darcy Moore’s intercept marks were contested. Not six of all his marks, but six of his intercept marks. That’s phenomenal. And how many gooses in the media wouldn’t have played him. Please be serious.

5.       Blicavs into the ruck on Friday changed the game? Yeah nah. Lets look at this properly. Firstly, the weather decision was trash because anyone with a weather app saw the forecast rain was never turning up. But don’t forget how small the Pies forwardline is. Brody Mihocek is barely a tall and that’s all the Maggies have. If anything have a go at the Cats for not dropping Harry Taylor on matchups, but that’s another point. Blicavs in defence wasn’t going to change a thing, and if anything is fractionally more trustworthy as a ruck than Rhys Stanley. But Stanley, Blicavs, Brad “Pill” Ottens, its up against Grundy so the point is moot anyway. Either way, the game was over because the Cats midfield didn’t work hard enough and the game plan stank.

6.       Brett Deledio is a star and what a bit of teamwork that was in his final game. Cooked the calf really early on but kept going to honour rotations for his teammates. A tremendously talented player crueled by injury and no Tigers fan forgets he left only 12 months before the premiership drought was broken. And no hard feelings at all for seeking success elsewhere, it would have been richly deserved. Onya Lids.

7.       Geez Shane Edwards was good on Saturday night, but its all about Dusty. Yes, Martin was a total freak show when he touched the ball, but it was six snags, predominantly from inside 50 groundball, hardly a hard-working performance. He had as many disposals on the night as David Astbury, so lets be sensible.

8.       But back on Titch, 29 touches, six tackles, eight clearances and a goal. The coaches gave Martin nine votes in the Gary Ayers Medal, sure, but Edwards as well got nine too. Did he get a mention anywhere Sunday morning? Hardly.

9.       Riddle me this. Jeremy McGovern threw Matt Guelfi into a Bunnings chair on the boundary at Optus a few months ago. Got a week. Nic Naitanui with similar if not a tad more force throws Zach Merrett into the fence, gets off. If Merrett’s head hits the edge of the fence that’s properly serious. So would the penalty then be more? Or does Nic Nat get off because Merrett was fine, despite the action? Or does hair-pulling allow such a reaction? Don’t get that.

10.   And, lets not forget, in the AFLW there are rules saying long-hair must be tied up, to avoid hair-pulling deliberately or accidentally. But Nic Nat, who looks great by the way, love the dreads, can free-flow to his heart’s content.

11.   And further again, hair in the NFL is considered part of your uniform. So technically pulling Nic Nat’s hair might be a high tackle but if you get a bit below the neck you might be alright.

12.   The Toby Greene one confuses me. He mustn’t have eye-gouged. If he did, give him life, but if he hasn’t, fair enough. Now it all looked very rough and getting close to line-crossing, but a hefty fine just confuses me. It’s a free kick or its lots of weeks. Not some contrived in the middle result. Then again, for mine, what would’ve been better was some greater flag-flying from Bont’s teammates, Greene had a week to do whatever he liked to Bont and that grub shouldn’t have had such a luxury.

13.   Still rated the Dogs’ season, bitterly disappointing end but that lineup, keeping fit, has fourteen plus wins written all over them next year. A ‘buy’.

14.   Giants, play like that again they are a show. But would you trust them? Last time these teams met, in Sydney, the GWS rolled over, but can look like worldbeaters otherwise. No idea.

15.   Brissy, yeah, just got spooked, had enough pill to probably keep that thing closer a lot longer but stuffed their chances and made a right mess of it. Sudden death footy now so they might have another win or two in them but they’re cutting it fine.

16.   Richmond still wins the flag for mine. Their toughest game will be Friday week. West Coast wins this Friday, say, and does it really well, the Eagles are probably the best chance this comp has of preventing a second Tiger flag in three. Because if not, the Tigs will be very difficult for the Pies or Lions (or Giants) the week after, making amends for the lost year last year. West Coast are a tricky team to play against, in good form, anywhere in the country. I still think Richmond wins that prelim matchup though, but not as easily as the odds may say.

17.   How good is Steve Smith. The fact he is averaging over 100 in first innings since his first test century? That if he had played Headingley he’d be the first ever to score 1000 runs in a series during this Oval test match? Or that remarkably his average in the last Ashes over there was actually higher than this one? Freak. Total freak.

18.   And Steve Harmison can sod off the salty prick. Says no matter what Smith will always be remembered as a cheat. Now Steven. We only remember you for your accurate line and length to second slip and your wobbly guts that used to shift side to side in your run up. If you’ve got nothing nice to say then stick to your Weight Watches program and aim for the stumps next time my old mate.

19.   And yes, we cut it fine with the test going to the last hour, threatened by a draw caused by bad light, but we have been the far better team. Australia has declared three times this series, England only once, Australia has two scores over 400, England only one, Australia has only one all out score under 200, England has three. And total wickets so far, England 67, Australia 74. Clear to me.

20.   Rafa Nadal wins number 19, one within Federer. Last two years now, has made five finals, won three, Fed, two finals, won one. Djokovic, who is on 16, only four finals but won them all. Federer is seen as the GOAT (if its not Laver) but five years older than Nadal, so surely finishes up before, likely to be overtaken by the Spainard, and is 4-10 to Nadal in Grand Slam matches, 10-14 to Nadal in Finals and 3-6 to Nadal in Grand Slam Finals. If Federer is better than Laver, and Nadal ends up with more Slams than Federer, surely Nadal is the GOAT?

would you by any chance be up to just answer all of them rn

sjdnflskjdsnfdgsdfg this is gonna kill me and i’m so excited

READ MORE FOR ONCE to spare yalls dashboards

and i took out the ones i answered already tbh OK LET’S GO

1 : What age-group do you write?

YA!!!! i have always always wanted to write for teens. since i’ve gotten older, i do also wanna write for young adults but definitely like anything between 13-25 is the people i rly dedicate my stories to

2 : What genre do you write?

again, the closest thing i’d subscribe to genre-wise is YA... i get bored only doing the same thing over and over, but atm i have the most scifis (the most being two) so i guess that! i do fucking LOVE horror and realistic fiction tho

3 : Do you outline according to big ideas or small details?

how small are we talking... i do rly obsessively outline tho, i get the main big plot points down and then i like to know what those lil details in between are.. so...

5 : Do you write better with or without deadlines?

DON’T GIVE ME A DEADLINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..................

like, sure, i’ll DO it, but will i LIKE IT.. NAH... PROBABLY NOT... i did nanowrimo once, it was a great experience but was the final product good? nah... so... nnnnnah

6 : What would be the biggest compliment you could hope to receive on your current WIP?

GOSH I DONT KNOW.... JUST... ASKING FOR MORE, I GUESS??????? actually the biggest compliment is people building on my ideas or asking me questions about it tbh, anything that shows how engaged they rly got is NICE... i also do rly like when people compliment my prose tho kfgsdfgs

7 : How long is your current WIP?

tsg is 9449 words as of rn! i am far too lazy to open up the other documents and check but they are FAR shorter! 

10 : Do you brain-storm story ideas alone or with others?

bothhhhh... i do have way more fun with other people though, and i think other people help more cuz they can make connections and ask questions i wouldn’t think of. most importantly, if there are plot holes, maybe they’ll find them for me.. or maybe even solve them!!! eee the best

11 : Do you base your characters off of real people?

y e s yes yes i do i have so many... like, there’s a cara in every story, there’s a maeve and britt in every story, if i know you for long enough, you’ll def appear SOMEwhere.

12 : Is your writing space clean or cluttered?

what is this ‘clean’ you speak of

13 : Do you write character-driven or plot-driven stories?

def characters, man, i wouldn’t even write a plot if you’d let me... i literally have so many stories where the plot IS just the characters kind of just. living. yes. so good

14 : Do you have a favorite writing-related quote?

if i DID i forgot it

15 : If you transport your original characters into another author’s world, which world would you choose?

imma be honest, if i had to pick any author in the world it would be britt @mmementommori‘s verse. i absolutely fucking ADORE everything that went into that story, the verse is fascinating and perfect and my characters would fit in so well and also would be tortured for all of eternity. what could be better???

19 : Would you rather live in your characters’ world, or have your characters come live in our world?

i wanna live in tsg cuz then vampires would be real and i could finally be one, y es

20 : What book would you love to see adapted for the big or small screen?

i’ve been watching a lot of... rly... gay... amazing movies... like, beautifully made and SO grand and larger than life and so CAREFULLY LOVINGLY made... like the handmaiden or moonlight.. and because of that, i would LOVE to see tsg as a movie. i think it’d fit right in and the idea of a lgbt horror movie hitting the scren is... g o d

21 : Do you finish most of the stories you start?

yyyees and nnnoooo....more no than yes... the furthest i get usually is the first draft and onto revising and then i get bored and move on but i’m getting better

22 : Has your own writing ever made you cry?

what is this ‘cry’ you speak of

actually once i did this rp scene with @mvgitek and... imma be real... there might’ve been a tear or two

23 : Are you proud or anxious to show off your writing?

anxious the first couple of seconds, proud the rest of the time. i don’t doubt that my writing is good but also... WILL THEY THINK MY WRITING IS GOOD???

24 : When did you start considering yourself a writer?

in the 3rd grade when i started making lil paperback books for all the kids in my class. maybe even a lil bit before that

28 : On a scale of 1-10, how much do you stress about choosing character names?

def a 1 omg. name is usually one of the first things that pop up for me. if it doesn’t pop up immediately when my baby is a lil shyer, i give them a placeholder. no big. it’ll come eventually

29 : Do you tend to underwrite or overwrite in a first draft?

overwrite... in that... i write the first draft like its the only draft, cuz it pretty much will be i hate revising so much jfkgsg

30 : Does writing calm you down or stress you out?

calm, i suppose... i can and have zoned out and just written for hours, like, ten hours straight, more than that... that’s a nice feeling yes

31 : What trope do you actually like?

what’s with the phrasing of this question... as if i’m only pretending to like most tropes...also i can never remember tropes off the top of my head and i still have 20 questions to go sO..SKIPPING...

32 : Do you give your side-characters extensive backstories?

Y E P.... is it really a side-character if you don’t obsess about them more than the mains at times because they’re so complex and you love them so much

33 : Do you flesh-out characters before you write, or let their personalities develop over time?

nah those fuckers jump outta the brain womb fully formed, pretty much. their personalities do develop more as i write but i have a rly good grasp of them before i even start the story

34 : Describe your old writing in one word.

amazingwhatalittlecutieohmygodimisshavingthissymplisticwritingstylelikeyoubitchyoudidntevenrealizewhatyouhadandnowitsGONE

35 : Is it more fun to write villains or heroes? 

VILLAINS... duh....

36 : Do you write with a black and white sense of morality?

nah... largely cuz my own morality is skewed, also because most of the point of the stories is exploring morality and what it means and seeing how it gets corrupted in the protags

37 : What’s one piece of advice you would give to new writers?

you will be so much happier if you stop writing like anyone else and stop writing what people want you to write and just write for you and you only, everything else falls into place after you accept this!! AND PRACTICE

38 : What’s one piece of writing advice you try--but fail--to follow?

i hate almost all writing advice so there isn’t anything i’m attempting that i’m not doing tbh cuz i don’t wanna do any of it i’m a brat haha

39 : How important is positive reinforcement to you as a writer?

it’s important as in i’m narcissistic so anything negative puts me into a blind rage which is a damper on my mood omsfjgsfgs. also it keeps me vibing and keeps me hyped to channel out more work faster

40 : What would you ask your favorite author if given one question?

‘how the fuck’

41 : Do you find it distracting to read while you’re writing a first draft?

NAH i feel it to be absolutely necessary tbh. when i don’t read, i don’t write nearly as often and sometimes not even as well. i find other books to be rly healthy friendly competition, and when i read, immediately after i think ‘why isn’t my stuff published? why isn’t my book on the shelves with this one? i should get to work holy fuck’

42 : Do critiques motivate or discourage you?

depends! again, narcissistic, but i’ve gotten better and i do want to learn more. as long as it’s constructive and, by constructive, i mean that it still compliments me a lot and gives me the good AND the not-so-good then it’s fine, i get motivated. i never get discouraged, i’m either hype or i’m livid, which gives me evil hype and i write more outta spite haha

44 : How do you decide what story idea to work on?

i just get... the vibe... where suddenly i wanna work on a story so i do. sometimes i can tell a story isn’t ready so even if i feel like working on it, i won’t, but otherwise, i just wait for the vibe...

46 : What Hogwarts house would your protagonist(s) be in?

slytherin: red, bert, nora, amara, nathaniel, mal, katherine, tyler, eve and avery

gryffindor: black, nisha, rachel, caleb (unless i’m mean and make him a slytherin), cupid, aurora, frank, nicky, tasha, sinclair

ravenclaw: aaron, andrey, astra, antionette, blair, lucia

hufflepuff: jackie (unless i’m mean and make him a slytherin), cassandra, danny, ezra, emily, skylar, anna, null

47 : Where do you see yourself as a writer in five years?

book or two published, working on another three or so but who knows omfhsjgs

48 : Would you ever co-write?

i wanna co-write something so BAD......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

49 : Are you a fast and rushed writer or a slow and deliberate writer?

fast and rushed omfg i can’t write slow for shit.. wish i could.. i’m getting better

OH MY GOD I’M DONE WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW THANK YOU SO MUCH ANGEL

23 Valentine's Day Movies People Never Get Bored Of

Valentine’s Day is a great day to cuddle up and watch a movie about love. In fact, they actually made a movie called Valentine’s Day, but it was just a rip-off of Love, Actually. With so many sappy movies out there, it’s hard to sift out the good from just more of the same.

So we’ve done the work for you! Here are twenty-three of the best romantic movies ever made to watch on Valentine’s Day.

23 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

In this moving film, it is slowly revealed that a couple chose to have a procedure that erased memories of each other. Jim Carrey plays Joel, opposite Kate Winslet playing Clementine. As the movie slowly reveals loving and intimate moments in their relationship, you become more and more emotionally involved in the story.

Best Quote

Joel: “I could die right now, Clem. I’m just… happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be.”

22 – About Time (2013)

Tim Lake (played by Domhnall Gleeson) discovers a superpower when he turns 21: he can travel in time and change past events. While he could try doing any number of things to make the world a better place, he decides to use his power to…get a girlfriend. His romantic interest is Mary (played by Rachel McAdams), and their relationship endures its share of trials and tribulations.

This film is from the creators of Love Actually, and it’s worth a try for anyone looking for a well-done romantic comedy.

Best Quote

Tim: [voiceover] “We’re all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride.”

21 – The Notebook (2004)

The Notebook is beloved by women everywhere for good reason. Allie (Rachel McAdams) is such a warm and likable character, pursued by the equally charming Noah (Ryan Gosling). Their love story withstands many tests but we realize that it lasts into their old age.

Wonderful performances by McAdams and Gosling have made this a super-popular and award-winning film. It might be cheesy, but it’s heartwarming and genuine too.

Best Quote

Noah: “I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

20 – Love and Basketball (2000)

While many romance movies are difficult for men to watch, Love & Basketball helps draw male viewers into this “chick flick” genre becuase of its underlying sports theme. Quincy (Omar Epps) and Monica (Sanaa Lathan) meet on the basketball court as kids. Their love/hate relationship develops as their lives continually intersect – they’re both pursuing their individual dreams of playing pro ball.

If you’re young, enjoy sports, or crave passion, this movie’s for you.

Best Quote

Monica says, “It’s a trip, you know? When you’re a kid, you see the life you want, and it never crosses your mind that it’s not gonna turn out that way.”

19 – Cactus Flower (1969)

Kate Hudson’s mom, Goldie Hawn, won an Oscar for her portrayal of Toni Simmons, a confused 21-year old woman in a relationship with an older man (Walter Matthau). Although it sort of looks like an Austin Powers film, Hawn’s wit and charm allows you to still get into it.

The complicated love story is about the various lies a dentist tells to keep a relationship. Interestingly enough, the story was appropriated by by Adam Sandler in Just Go With It (2011).

Best Quote

Toni Simmons: “Now why don’t you go back and mind your own business like everyone else in New York City?”

Although it’s one of those bleak comedies, Lost in Translation has a great romance at its heart. Bob Harris (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) really capture what it feels like to be traveling somewhere completely unfamiliar and wanting a connection. The brief moments of Anna Farris spoofing Cameron Diaz add just the right amount of laughs to tide you over, until the moment when Bob whispers something in Charlotte’s ear and they say goodbye.

Best Quote

Charlotte: “Let’s never come here again because it would never be as much fun.”

17 – When in Rome (2010)

Although Forgetting Sarah Marshall is Kristen Bell’s most popular role, her performance in When in Rome (2010) is underrated. Bell plays Beth, an ambitious New Yorker who steals some coins from a famous love fountain in Italy during her sister’s wedding. Because of her theft, she’s chased down by Danny DeVito, Will Arnett, Jon Heder, and Dax Shepard, who are under a love spell.

The movie is lighthearted, funny, and a great way to create and celebrate a happy Valentine’s Day.

Best Quote

Beth: “Dad. When you married Mom, did you ever think that you wouldn’t make it?”

Beth’s Dad: “Elizabeth Ann. Honey, you cannot learn from my mistakes. You’re going to have to go out there and make your own. Now, you could get your heart broken or you could have the greatest love affair the world has ever known, but you’re not going to know unless you try.”

16 – 50 First Dates (2004)

You’d be hard pressed to come up with a more likeable couple of people than Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. In 50 First Dates, they’re in Hawaii, and after they meet, Henry Roth (Sandler) turns from a playboy to a devoted boyfriend—the only problem is the girl of his dreams has no short-term memory, so she relives the same day over and over. This movie brings laughs, but it’s also a sappy romance movie as only Sandler can do. It’s a chick flick anyone can enjoy.

Best Quote

Dr. Keats: “Tom was in a hunting accident and he lost part of his brain. His memory lasts only ten seconds.”

Ten Second Tom: “I was in an accident? That’s terrible.”

Dr. Keats: “Don’t worry, you’ll totally get over it in about three seconds.”

15 – Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

A testament to just how far a man will go to win over the woman he loves. Slumdog Millionaire portrays a poor man being tortured by the police for being suspiciously good at Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Dev Patel plays one of the most lovable characters on film.

This compelling film won no fewer than eight Oscars and garnered a lot of critical acclaim. The mixture of love, violence, and socioeconomic messages makes for a great date night screening. It’s a great pick to watch with someone who appreciates good films and with whom you want to share an intelligent conversation.

Best Quote

Jamal Malik: “I’ll wait for you at the train station every day at five.”

14 – The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) always has problems—the media hates him, the police hate him, other superheroes hate him, and he’s constantly struggling with his love life because of it. Regardless of how you feel about the new Spider-Man series, they made the right move dropping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). Their romance is one of the most memorable in comic book history.

Best Quote

Peter Parker: “We all have secrets: the ones we keep… and the ones that are kept from us.”

13 – The Tourist (2010) (Runner Up: Original Sin)

It’s not just that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are beautiful people; the location shots in Paris and Venice are simply stunning. This cat-and-mouse tale has enough thrills going for it to satisfy your intellectual needs, and it has some nail-biting action scenes to boot. You’re never quite sure who to believe, but you can’t deny there’s chemistry between the two—if there’s anyone who could steal Jolie from Pitt, Depp seems like the type.

Best Quote

Hotel Waiter Guido: “Bongiorno!”

Frank Taylor (Depp): “Bon Jovi!”

12 – This Means War (2012)

Reese Witherspoon is omnipresent in chick flicks – for good reason! All of her romantic comedies are enjoyable, but This Means War wins for mixing spy-versus-spy action into the mix. Chris Pine and Tom Hardy do a great job of keeping men distracted from Reese’s message that it’s OK to date multiple people. Adventurous couples will love this action-packed romp.

Best Quote

Trish (Chelsea Handler) “Don’t go with the better guy, go with the guy who makes you better.”

11 – (500) Days of Summer (2009)

Zooey Deschanel is that quirky and beautiful girl everyone wants to be or be with. In short, the boy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) meets the girl (Deschanel), and falls in love, but she’s just that into him. The movie highlights their relationship in a non-linear fashion, and is a great portrayal of modern love and relationships. (500) Days of Summer isn’t your traditional romantic comedy, and maybe that’s a good thing – unlike all the others, it’s a thought-provoking film about love.

Best Quote

Rachel Hansen: “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.”

10 – Walk the Line (2005)

This portrayal of Johnny and June Cash is an epic biopic. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon beautifully capture the essence of the romance. Johnny loved June Carter so much, he knew he had to marry her. Seeing their love blossom over the course of their lives is a great way to celebrate life and a relationship with someone you truly love beyond anything. These two real life people even died around the same time. It’s said Johnny died of a broken heart after June passed.

Best Quote

June Carter: “Well, then start loving yourself, so we can go back to work.”

9 – Ghost Town (2008)

The cynical among us love Ricky Gervais. In Ghost Town, he plays a man who can see dead people and is now doomed to help them with their love problems. It’s a wonderfully unique Valentine’s Day romance story. Everyone’s tired of people bragging about their relationships on Facebook, and Gervais portrays this feeling perfectly. Love isn’t always as much fun as it sounds; sometimes, you just end up involved in other people’s drama.

Best Quote

Bertram Pincus (Gervais): “All work and no play makes Jack- a vital member of society.”

8 – Shrek (2001)

It’s hard to believe it’s been over a decade since Shrek came out (!). This is a fun, backwards fairy tale where the ogre gets the girl. Featuring the voice talents of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, and John Lithgow, Shrek is a feel-good movie that’s perfect for the young – and mature – at heart.

Best Quote

Shrek: “For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.”

7 – Seems Like Old Times (1980)

Ahhh, the classics. One of the best movies from the 80s, Seems Like Old Times is a Neil Simon film that still maintains its charm. Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn are a divorced couple, and, after being forced to take part in a bank robbery, Chase hides out at Hawn’s house. The only problem is Hawn’s husband (Charles Groden) is the district attorney, so a lot of hijinx ensue. If you pine for an old flame, Seems Like Old Times is the Valentine’s Day romantic comedy for you.

Best Quote

Glenda (Hawn) “Chester. You just went through a stop sign.”

Chester (Chase) “I can’t help it. I don’t like to read when I drive.”

6 – About a Boy (2002)

You’d think watching a man hang out with an unrelated boy would be a little weird – and not great romantic-film fodder. But in About a Boy, it plays out beautifully. This is a buddy flick and a romance rolled into one, and it teaches men that parenting isn’t scary. If you’re a slacker who still hasn’t grown up, About a Boy is for you.

Best Quote

Marcus: “After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions, when I knew he really wanted to watch Xena Warrior princess.”

5 – True Romance (1993) (Runner Up: Natural Born Killers)

Quentin Tarantino isn’t exactly known for the romance in his films, but True Romance, which he wrote, is an epic romantic crime drama. There are drugs, hookers, and all sorts of guns. The love between Clarence (Christian Slater) and Alabama (Patricia Arquette) is something we all wish we had. By the time this movie reaches its bloody climax, not only will you be in love with Elvis, but you’ll know the origin of Sicilians.

Best Quote

Clarence Worley: “You just said you love me, now if I say I love you and just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may and you’re lying to me I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”

4 – Titanic (1997)

If you’ve never seen Titanic, you must! And if you have, consider watching it again for Valentine’s. This classic romantic-disaster film won eleven Oscars, because of its superb cast, plot, and music.

Spoiler Alert: The ship sinks, and it takes like half the movie. Before it happens though, Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) steals Rose (Kate Winslett) from her rich husband-to-be. Titanic is a tear-jerker with an epic romance that is fated to failure.

Best Quote

Jack Dawson: “Where to, Miss?”

Rose DeWitt Bukater: “To the stars.”

3 – Bride and Prejudice (2004)

This Bollywood take on the classic “Pride and Prejudice” is a musical delight. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan may not be well-known in majority-English-speaking countries, but she is beautiful and talented – her acting, singing, and dancing expertise is on full display. This movie is beautiful, tells an old story; and you’ll look sophisticated for suggesting it. The colorful costumes and set designs are like taking an exotic vacation from your couch.

Best Quote

Lalita Bakshi (Rai): “You should be stirring your husband’s dinner not trouble.”

2 – Love, Actually (2003)

Love Actually follows the intertwining stories of eight British couples dealing with love in very different ways. It’s a romantic comedy and a Christmas film, but its sappiness is matched by genuine and heartwarming moments. It’s impossible to watch this movie without laughing, crying, and falling in love with at least one character! Love Actually may be the best romantic comedy ever written.

Best Quote

Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) “Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”

1 – The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

This Oscar-nominated flick might not come to mind as a movie perfect for Valentine’s Day. But you and your Valentine’s Day date just might find that refreshing!

Martin Scorsese is known for his thrilling films, and Wolf of Wall Street does not disappoint. It’s a raw and emotional movie, with some violence, nudity, and drug use – all to show the underbelly of the high-octane world of finance. DiCaprio’s performance is compelling and exciting – this movie is worth your time!

Best Quote

Jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] “Oh, I’m good with water for now.”

Mark Hanna: “It’s his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.”

The post 23 Valentine’s Day Movies People Never Get Bored Of appeared first on Lifehack.

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The ghostly maid: The greasy bucket

At a gas station called "The Greasy bucket", Trevor, Pike, and Jeff walked inside. Trevor was in awe at the variety of snacks, drink and other commodities that were before him. The clerk at the counter was a middle-aged man with a plaid shirt and a black hat. "Wow. I've been near gas stations when in the limo. But I didn't know they were like little baby stores." Trevor said. "Um, yeah. Did you think that gas stations only sold gas?" Pike said. Jeff approached the counter and said to the clerk: "Hey, Uncle Ruckus?". "Heya Jeff. Who're your friends?" Ruckus said. "Oh, I told you about Pike right? Well, he has this other friend who, believe it or not, has never seen the inside of a gas station. Isn't that weird?" Jeff said. Ruckus looked at Trevor and saw he was eyeing the hot dog spiner. "Uh hu...(Sigh) Does he live under a rock or something?" "No, he lives in a...Hey, what's wrong?". "Aw nothing, it just that today is my daughters' wedding today. And I have no one to watch my store." Ruckus said. Jeff looked confused as Trevor gasped, approaching the counter. "You own this? You own this whole gas station?" he asked. "Yep.". "You must be the luckiest person in the world. Sir, what if I watch your store for you?". "Excuse me?" Pike said. "Say what?" Jeff said. "I don't know. This gas station is all I got, and I barely know you...You're hired." Ruckus said. "Woohoo!" Trevor exclaimed. "Now I need you to tell you a couple things before I head out. First you...". As Ruckus was trying to explain, Trevor thought: " Aw man. I always wondered what it would be like to run a gas station." "You didn't even know that gas stations had stores in them 10 minutes ago. How could you wonder what working in one might be?" Pike thought. "I can wonder what stuff is. Wait, are you reading my mind?". "Are you reading my mind?". "This is so cool. We're like mind linked or something. Quick, what number am I thinking of." "You're not thinking of a number. You're thinking how much longer is Jeff's uncle gonna talk.". "Exactly! Hold up, this might be a bad thing. How do we stop?" Trevor thought. "I...I don't know. What if we're stuck like this." Pike said. "Every single waking moment, reading one another's thought, unable to stop." Suddenly, Jeff nudged Trevor's arm and whispered: "Hey, pay attention.". Both of them looked back at Ruckas, who said: "...is the code to stabilize the slushie machine. Now I'm off. Don't burn the place down.", then walked out of the store. "What did he say?" Trevor asked. "(Sigh) He was just telling us how to run the store. Listen, just stay behind the counter and if there's a customer, tend to him. Alright?". "Yeah, no. I'm out." Pike said, then started to walk out. "Wait! Where are you going?" Jeff said. "To the arcade. I'm not wasting my Saturday stuck in a gas station.". "Pike, listen to me. You don't know what you'll be missing. When I look around this place, I don't see a cheap convenience store. I see a gas station, full of wonder and imagination. This is the place where dreams are fulfilled and wishes skyrocket. This is where the magic happens. So what do you say Pike? Will you join me and help me defend this oasis of eternal salvation!?". Trevor exclaimed. "...No." Pike said. Trevor's face dropped from awe-inspiring to utter disappointment. Before Pike could exit, Jeff stopped him and said: "Pike, wait! You know I don't ask you for a lot. But I really could use your help with running this place. This store is all my uncle has. If he loses it, he's gonna blame me and force my dad to take him in and live with my family.". "Well if that's the case, he shouldn't have left it in charge to a bunch of 14-year-old kids." Pike said. "Alright, if you help me keep this place from falling apart, I'll pay you back." Jeff said. "How?". "I...I don't know. I can help you with whatever you need, I guess?". "...Fine, I'll stay and help." Pike said. "Woohoo! So what do you do at a gas station?" Trevor said. "Well, you usually just wait for a customer to come along and let them pick something out. And when they want to buy it, you stand behind the counter and scan what they want to buy, take their money and put it in the register." Jeff said. "What do we do if there isn't a costumer around?" Pike said. "I don't know, whatever we want I guess...twist fight?" Trevor said. Trevor, Pike, and Jeff were sword fighting with sticks of twist in hand. While Pike and Jeff were in between Trevor with single sticks, Trevor was fending them off with a stick in each hand. "Neither of you can defeat me. I am the duel wielding licorice sword master, Liquorice man! Mwah ha ha ha ha!" Trevor said in a campy tone. "You will never succeed, Liquorice man. So say I, with my red vine of justice! What say you, my noble sidekick?" Pike shouted in a campy voice. "Why am I the sidekick? This is my uncle's store. Shouldn't I be the hero?" Jeff said. "Hmm, perhaps "noble" was not the right word to describe my young ward. Maybe "whiney" is the correct pronunciation.". "Very funny. (blocks twist) I'm only doing this (blocks twist) because we don't have any customers." Jeff said. An elderly woman came in and asked: "Excuse me. Do you have a bathroom here?". "Back there." Pike said. "Thank you". The woman walked into the bathroom. The three then continued to fight. Pike found an opening and stabbed Trevor in the chest. Trevor dropped his twists, clenched his heart and said : "Oh...Oh no...You've killed me! No! Noooo!", as he slowly fell to the ground. Both Jeff and Pike looked at their defeated foe, with simply saying "Good.". Trevor sat up and both he and Jeff looked at Pike with a blank expression. All three then burst out laughing. As Trevor was behind the counter, he noticed one of the fridges lights went out. The boy approached the fridge and opened it. Trevor noticed that no cold air was coming out. "Hey, Jeff. The fridge stopped working. How do you fix a fridge?" Trevor said. Jeff went up and said "You should have paid attention to what my uncle said. He told us that the fridge sometimes gives out. When that happens, just kick the bottom of it and it'll start again.", then kicked the fridge. Trevor stuck his hand in the fridge and said: "It's still not working.". Pike approached and said: "Maybe kicking isn't what that fridge needs.". "Or maybe you kick hard enough. Let me try." Trevor said. The boy backed up past the wet floor sign and all the way to the other end of the store. He started to briskly run towards the fridge. Trevor slipped on a puddle of water and slid his head into the bottom. "Ow!". The fridge light came back on and Jeff said: "Hey it's working again.". Trevor groaned in pain. "You alright?" Pike asked. Trevor got up and said: "I-I think so.". "Your uncle needs to get that fridge fixed." Pike said. "He doesn't have enough money. This gas station isn't exactly popular and he's barely making money to live off of.". "You mean he can't even scrounge up enough money to fix a stupid fridge?" Trevor said. "Nope, he's only getting enough money to restock the store, run the electric, and feed himself.". "That's sad. Your uncle is a sad man, Jeff.". A car pulled up to the pump. A man got out and came inside saying: "Can you turn on the pump. I need some gas.". "Sure thing. We'll even pump it for you. Hey, Trevor!" Jeff said. Trevor approached and said, "Yeah, Jeff?". "I need you to pump this guys gas for him. Just take the pump and put the gas in the little hole in the car.". "Sure thing." he said, then Trevor ran outside. Trevor held the pump in his hand, looking all around the car. "How...Where do you put it in?" he said. The boy found the exhaust hole and said: "Oh, here's a hole.". Trevor came back in and said "Car's full of gas, sir.". "Thank you. Hey, aren't you kids a little young to be running a gas station." the man asked. "Meh, I don't think so. Just watching this place for my uncle anyway." Jeff said. The man walked out and drove off. "Man, this is easy. People get paid to do this?" Trevor said. "Only about for 4 bucks an hour, if you call that getting paid.". A small booming sound could be heard from afar. "Did you hear that?". "Probably just the rats in the vents." Jeff said. "Ech, this place is a hovel.". Pike was at the counter, holding up a wrapped up sponge cake, making it walk around. "Do dodo dodo. What a hard day at work. I can't wait to come home to my loving wife, who I can cuddle with.". Pike made the sponge cake walk from behind the register, saying: "Honey, I'm home. (Gasp)" In front of the sponge cake, were a pack of gum and cigarettes. The cigarettes were on top of the pack of gum. "Danny, how could you do this to me, and with my wife?" Pike made the sponge cake say. "Wait, John! I can explain." Pike made the cigarettes say. The sponge cake charged at the cigarettes and lifted him up. Spongecake threw Cigarettes off the counter. "Noooooooo!" Cigarettes shouted. It landed on the floor with a soft thud. Spongecake turned to Pack of gum, who said a weary tone: "What- What are you going to do to me?" as it backed up. "I'm going to make sure you never do something like this again.". Spongecake was hitting Pack of gum repeatedly, saying: "Why do you do this to me?" "Pike." someone said. Pack of gum was screaming in horror, say: "No, please stop!". "Pike." someone said. "Do think I like hitting you?" Spongecake said. "Pike!" someone shouted. The boy snapped out of the scene and saw Trevor in front of the counter. "What are you doing?" he said. Pike looked at the spongecake and pack of gum, lowering them and said: "Playing domestic disturbance?". "Well stop it. You're freaking me out." Trevor said as he walked off. When Trevor was out of earshot, Pike lifted up the sponge cake and pack of gum. A shady man walked inside and came up to the coffee machine. He saw that Trevor was behind the counter. The man purposely spilled his drink and stepped in it. He fell over and shouted "Ahhhgh. Ow. My leg." Trevor ran up to the man and said: "Hey, are you okay?" "I think my leg is broken. The only thing that can make it better is legal compensation." he said. "I don't what that is, but I think I can make it better." Trevor said, the boy started to pound on the man's chest. "What are you- Ooff- doing?". "I'm trying to make your heart pump." Trevor said. "My leg is hurt! Not my heart!". Trevor stopped pounding and said: "Maybe I just have to do CPR?" The boy forcibly opened his mouth and blew over and over again. The man coughed and shouted: "What is wrong with you!?". "That didn't work either. Oh, I know. Jeff!." Trevor said. Jeff came from behind the counter and said: "Yeah?". "We need to amputate this man leg if he wants to live.". "On it.". Jeff got a chainsaw out and revved the engine up, making the saw roar. The man ran out of the gas station, screaming in a panic. Trevor and Jeff ran after him with the chainsaw in hand. Both boys stopped when the man ran past the parking lot. "Sir, you should be running towards a hospital!" Trevor shouted. Jeff stopped the chainsaw's blade, stopping the revving. Trevor looked at Jeff and said, "Where did you get the chainsaw?". "It was under the counter, next to the shotgun.". The three boys were standing around looking rather bored. "You still think that working at a gas station is magical, Trevor?" Pike said. "I may have overhyped the concept, just a bit.". Jeff sighed and said, "Imma use the bathroom.". The boy went into the bathroom and was greeted by the lady who was still inside. She screamed and started to whack Jeff over the head with her purse. The beating leads them out of the bathroom. As Trevor ducked behind the counter, Pike approached and said: "Lady, you have been in there for 3 hours straight. What could you be doing in there?". The lady smacked Pike in the head and knocked him on the floor The lady retreated back to the bathroom. Jeff rose up and said "I think I need something wipe away the horrible site that I have just witnessed.". Trevor got up and said "What about that?", pointing to a slushie machine on the table with three levers, next to the coffee machine. "Perfect. Maybe a well-timed and painful brain freeze can clear away the disturbing images in my head.". The boy grabbed a cup and tried to get a drink, but nothing would come out. Pulling a lever that would normal dispense slushy, didn't seem to work. Even after multiple tries. "That's weird. It looks full." Jeff said. "Maybe it's jammed. Stand back." Pike said. The boy took a toothpick and shuffled it in the nozzle. "Try now." Jeff tried pulling the lever again. But still, not a drop came out. Trevor went up and said, "Maybe it's just unplugged.". He looked at the machine and saw that it not only didn't have a plug, it had no cord. "This thing doesn't even have a cord to plug in with.". "Do you see anything?" Pike said. Trevor kept looking and said "I...I see a sort of screwed on panel. Maybe we just have to replace the batteries.". The boys turned the machine to where it's back is facing the front. "Anybody got a screwdriver?" Jeff said. Pike pulled out a screwdriver from his pocket and said "Here ya go. Found one behind the counter.". He unscrewed the back panel and from behind it, laid a glowing circle. While Trevor and Pike looked confused, Jeff looked like he was about to freak out. "What is that thing?" Pike said. "It looks like a glowing donut." Trevor said. "Th-Th-That-that's a fusion device!" Jeff said. "Hold up. You mean the one that you find in power plant? Why is it the size of a bagel?" Pike said. "Yes. But, what's it doing in a slushie machine? Why does Uncle Ruckus have this?". Suddenly, the light on top of the machine started to blink, followed by the machine violently shaking. "That's not good. Is it?" Trevor said. "I think the fusion device is going critical. If it melts, it'll wipe out half the town." Jeff said. "How do we stop it?" Pike said. "I don- I don't know. I don't know the first thing about nuclear physics.". Pike looked at Trevor, who was on his phone. "What are you doing!?" he said. "Trying to look up how to stop a nuclear meltdown...Yes, I found a video...No, it's 30 minutes long.". "We don't have that kind of time. It's gonna go supernova in less than one.". All three were starting to panic. Mindlessly running around. Trevor stopped and said "Wait a minute. Your uncle said that there was a code we could enter to stabilize it.". Jeff snapped out of his panic and said "That's right! It was 3122. Quick, look for a keypad or something on the machine.". All three frantically searched the slushie machine for a keypad, but they found nothing of the sorts. "I don't understand. If there's no keypad, why have a code?" Pike said. Trevor looked all over the machine, then had an idea. "Quick, turn it back." Trevor shouted. They turned the machine back to where it was facing the right way. "I still don't see the pad." Jeff said. Trevor approached the machine and pulled the lever from the right once. Then pulled the lever from the left once. And then the lever in the middle twice. The machine began to calm down, the light atop it stopped blinking. Steam came out of the machine. All three boys cheered and danced like they never did before, then fell to the floor in relief. "Oh man. I thought we were gonna die for a second. How did you know to pull the levers for the code?" Pike said. "Well, I thought it would be a little strange to use a keypad for a password that only uses three of the first number. Then it hit me. Maybe it wasn't a code, but a sequence. So I thought about doing it with the lever. That part, I admit, I winged it on.". Ruckus came in and said, "What have you done!?". "Oh hi, Jeff's uncle. How was your daughter wedding?" Trevor said. "I remembered that I don't have a daughter. So I took a nap. But what did you do!?". "We just saved half the down using the code you told us. No need to thank us." Pike said as Ruckus approached. "Not that. I'm talking about the fusion device. You took the lead casing off. I gotta get it out of here before the feds get here." Ruckus said as he tried to pick up the slushie machine. "Too late." someone said. Two suited men walked into the store with guns and said. "Mr. Ruckus, you're under arrest.". The two men grabbed Ruckus and the machine and walked outside, where a jail truck awaited outside. The three boys ran to them and Jeff asked, "What's going on? Why are you taking my uncle away?". "Your uncle has committed several serious crimes, including theft of nuclear equipment and improper toxic waste dumping.". "How long is he gonna be in jail?" Pike said. "Best guess, for life. Come on Jim, let's go". one of the agents said. "Wait, should we scan these kids in case they might be radiated." the other agent said. The one agent pulled out a scanner stick. He waved the scanner around them and the beeped a couple times. "They're fine." he said. They shoved Ruckus in the back of the truck, took the slushie machine and drove off. "I thought that I didn't have any cousins." Jeff said. "You know what, I think this is for the best. From the way you described it, it sounds like your uncle life was going downhill anyway." Pike said. "So, what gonna happen to the Greasy Bucket now?" Trevor asked. "I don't know. With Uncle Ruckus going to prison, I guess it'll just get torn down.". Just then, someone in a suit came up to the boys and said: "Hello boys. I am a representative from Beatrice gas company inc. Have you seen the owner of this establishment anywhere?". "Just missed him. He got carted off the jail." Pike said. "Oh, then do you know who might have received his property rights?". "Well, I am his nephew, so I guess they go to me then.". "Excellent. Then as the newfound owner, I would like you to relinquish the property for a set price.". "How much are we talking about?" Trevor said. The woman in the suit got out a checkbook and written something down on it. "Is this enough?" the woman asked as she handed Jeff the check. Jeff looked at the check and said: "50,000 dollars! You got a deal!". The businesswoman pulled out a contract along with a pen and said "Excellent. Just sign here.". Jeff signed the contract. The woman took the contract and said: "Pleasure doing business with you.", then walked away. "How awesome is this!? 50,000 dollars!" Jeff exclaimed. "Isn't your uncle gonna be angry when he gets out of jail and finds his gas station's been sold." Trevor said. "I don't think he's ever getting out. Stealing federal property is a pretty serious offense. This place was going down under anyway. Come on guys, let's hit the town!" Jeff said. They were about to walk off, but a man in a business swiped the check out of the boy's hand and said "Not so fast.". "Hey! Why are you taking my money?". "I'm afraid to tell you that my client is suing you for the ineptitude of your employees. Someone filled the exhaust with gasoline, causing my client's car to explode and wind up in the hospital.". Jeff looked at Trevor, who was sweating. "How much do we owe?" Pike said. "I believe this may be enough to cover my client's medical bills. Good day." the man said, then walked off with the check. "Trevor. What the heck, man." Jeff shouted. "Um..whoops.". "How could you mistake the exhaust with gas?" Pike said. "It's a common mistake. I'm sure anybody could have made it." Trevor said. "Many people know that the gas tank usually isn't in the back of the car, but on the side." Jeff said. "Gimme a break. I've never seen anyone pump gas before. I've never paid attention when my limo driver stops for gas.". Jeff sighed and sat on the curb, looking depressed. Trevor and Pike sat next to him and Trevor said: "Hey don't feel too bad. Money comes and goes.". "Yeah, Jeff. You're lucky that's all that lawyer took." Pike said. "That was 50,000 dollars. What more could he have taken?" Jeff asked. "Oh, I don't know. The place you lived, your possessions, the clothes off your back, your family and financial stability...You know what, I-I think I might just go home. See you guys later." Pike said. He then walked off, looking rather depressed. "What was that about?" Trevor said. Jeff just simply shrugged.

This post is really just for me to get my thoughts out, but anyone who has time to read it, I hope it encourages them.

For a while I’ve been struggling to put this into words. And for an even longer amount of time, I didn’t put it into words. Instead it was just little glimpses of thoughts or realizations of what had been happening to me for months or even years on end. 

But today, for the first time something shifted back into place. You see about eight months ago I was sitting in the car, finally confessing to Evan everything that had been going through my mind:

That you ruined your relationship with your best friend for a good grade. That maybe she was right, you’d end up just like your parents. Either way, it was your fault, you’re the one to blame, even though she’s the one that hurt you and refused to apologize. It was your fault. That you weren’t good enough for your best friend to stick around to help you finish college. That you weren’t good enough because you no longer knew how to make friends or form functioning relationships. Only enemies. That your arms were too big, your shoulders too muscular, your voice too monotone, that the pace you always walked was too fast or too slow. That your hair was too blonde, too dark, your skin too pale, or too red. You’re going to get cancer. And just as a reminder from seventeen year old Chloe, don’t sing in front of people because you can’t sing. That maybe I was just born into a life that I would never be satisfied living. That history would just keep repeating itself, that there would always be the weight of my parents mistakes on my shoulders, and there would be nobody else there to carry it because God could no longer hear me. That he didn’t care how I felt, what I was going through, that I didn't want to finish school or go to work. Or even leave my bed. That although I could never figure out how, the worst thing I could do to myself crossed my mind in little blinks every now and then. But it didn’t matter because nobody was listening. 

He couldn’t hear how badly my shoulder had been hurting after Philly, and when I came back the following year. He couldn't hear any of the times my tears soaked through Evan’s shirt behind the audio of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. He couldn’t hear all the thoughts passing through my head, of falling in the snow, going to Danny’s house for cards nights, the number of times Katie and I played pranks, conditioned together, talked about life, it’s meaning, and what satisfies us most in this life. He couldn’t hear how every moment that crossed my mind tore another piece of me away, it constantly felt like someone was crushing my chest, while it demanded to still beat. 

And when I finally confessed all of this to Evan, it was hard to explain. I knew there was a God out there. I knew he made me, and loved me. I knew it. But knowing and believing are two different things. So we made a pact that he would start coming to my church with me, and we would go to his church as well. As a couple. So in the mornings we went to my church, got acquainted with people (although it was kind of hard because it was gymnastics season), and in the afternoons no matter how dizzy all the standing up and sitting down from mass made me, I still went. 

From there we started praying for our meals together, watching The Bible, having biblical discussions. Lent came, and he gave up sex, but as it was his decision, I made sure he followed through with it. My depression was starting to get better, but everyday was still an upward battle. At least until nationals, and I had to keep reminding myself that even if I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, those feelings were false. I knew this by the way a friend looked at me when they saw me crying, and I practiced beam with my headphones in. I knew this by the way another teammate just took care of me throughout the year while on bars, talking me through things, helping me cope. I knew this when other teammates found me laying on the beam and just let me talk out what seemed so significant at the time, but was so minor. They just listened, and confirmed feelings that needed to be confirmed, and denied anything that was false. 

So Nationals came, and throughout the season, I had started to feel that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he can hear me even though the silence was deafening, because a year long prayer started getting answered the first night of Illini. Nationals was when it really hit though, although I was awkward and not sure how to start a friendship, I knew that this is what it was. Maybe someone could hear me. 

And now this summer, my focus has been on a million things. School, work, Sophia’s wedding, making amends with Chloe, gymnastics, my shoulder, what I should be doing, making videos, writing a book. The list could continue but it won’t ---> That’s for creative writing. With God, still on the back burner, I started remembering the joy that I found at camp half the time when I was encouraged by fellow counselors. How my summer at home, I spent with a life group that lifted me up, helped me grow, prayed for me. And I realized I kind of forgot that I could actually ask for something and he may answer. 

I’ve been so back and forth about jobs, and working. Wanting to make money, but hating the idea of 9-5 jobs, knowing I’d have to pay for my own wedding eventually (wedding fever hit!), wondering how I’d ever make enough money to support Evan, myself, a couple (maybe 50) dogs and someday a kid. On top of that, this last week, my shoulder had been in EXCRUCIATING pain. Like some may have thought I was over exaggerating, but I could barely lift it, let alone lift it with any weight in my hands. So I go to bars, hoping to get it to pop, and when it did it was as if all the feeling in my body concentrated on my shoulder, and it wasn’t a feeling of happiness, pride, or relaxation. It felt like it was being burned, pinched, pulled, cut, sliced, and stitched all at the same time. 

Well today, I went to church, and after finding out that someone stole the trailer with all of the equipment in it, we had some guitars left, and some mics from just being left in the barn. So we did some worship. and a verse came up. 2 Corinthians 3:8-18

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[a] Since we have that same spirit of[b] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Pastor Sarah then asked, “does anyone feel like they have such a heavy weight on their shoulders right now?” Uhhh, yeah, my whole body weighs on my shoulders and sometimes I literally can’t hold it up long enough to keep myself out of danger (Getting close lined by the low bar). For goodness sakes, I can’t even raise my left arm right now, or lean onto my elbows. So I raised my right arm, and the girl who prayed for me knew nothing of my situation. Not the financial worries I had about the future, not the feeling that God had put me in a life where I’d never be fully satisfied. She didn’t know about my family, the money disappearing from my account last summer at the hands of my father, about the felony charges, the rape, Mom inviting me to go to Universal Studios with her, and then taking that invitation away. She didn't know about my Dad and his current health issues, that I feel like I’ll never be able to escape. So she put her hand right where the pain on my shoulder was (which she didn’t know about either) and started praying. She ended up praying for the financial situation. In fact I had told Evan earlier in the week “I just don’t know what kind of job I would actually want/enjoy, or how I would get it.” and her prayer was that I would find the right job, with the right people, have the right person give the right interview... She then prayed for my family, about how I felt stuck, about the lack of faith, about knowing that he was there and that he could hear me. And as she prayed, my shoulder started to get warm, and the pain that had been going over my shoulder and through my neck started to dissipate. 

Now the pain isn’t completely gone. It’s still there, but I have more motion, and I can lift small things without it hurting! 

So somehow in that moment, there was something that shifted back into place (not just my shoulder) but this feeling that maybe he can hear me. Or maybe I need The Body more than I realized. 

Another top 20 Albums of 2016

So I didn’t post any of my old lists up here but...

...’Another late list of last years albums for yer! I’m going strictly with albums this year... 

“Have I left anything out?”- Albums et al of 2015: 

Nicholas Payton- Letters: Nicholas Payton follows up ‘Numbers’ with ‘Letters’; music written and played for each letter in the alphabet. While this didn’t blow me away, there were some nice pieces on here. I really like ‘B’, ‘I’ and ‘X for Patrice Rushen’

Native Dancer- EP Vol. 1: This is a name I see on the live circuit a fair bit. I initially neglected going to their shows (surprise, surprise), but they appeared at the Jazz Re:Fest last July and delivered some truly impressive music; I was kicking myself for about a minute for not listening to their stuff earlier... 

...Errr...I can’t think of any more...please feel free to make suggestions here...

...2016:

20) Ab-Soul- Do What Thou Wilt.:

I did like this slightly more than ‘These Days...’. I find this album as Ab-Soul sharing various thoughts and ideas without fully committing to them, although there is a fair bit of questioning gender roles on here. My favourites include ‘Huey Knew THEN’, ‘INvocation’, ‘Beat the Case’ and the vulnerable ‘Evil Genius’.

Random Note: If Black Hippy were the TMNT, I reckon Soul would be Mikey... 

19) Josef Leimberg- Astral Progressions:

I got on to this one pretty late; I came across this on Bandcamp’s top 100 list. Some nice melodies and some strong playing on here. Unfortunately the song that caused me to buy this album (‘Interstellar Universe’) is by far the best musically for me. ‘As I Think of You’ and ‘Between Us 2′ are pretty good runners up...  

18) Derrick Hodge- The Second:

Derrick Hodge gives us another solo album with ‘The Second’. This album has elements of Hip-Hop, Blues, a bit of Folk, Jazz (obviously), Soul and a strong element of the modal sound present in a lot of electronic influenced music (I’m referring to artists like ‘Floating Points’, ‘Kelsey Lu’, ‘Little Dragon’, and so on...). The last quarter of this project is the strongest part for me. Shouts to Freda for bringing this to my attention...

17) Danny Brown- Atrocity Exhibition:

‘Some interesting experimental Hip-Hop to be found on this project. The subject matter comes across samey at first, but a few listens and some research into Danny Brown has me concluding that this album is be a reflection of his drug fuelled days...I could be wrong...

16) Terrace Martin- Velvet Portraits:

I felt that the really stand out tracks are blocked out by a fair bit of filler. However, the strong pieces are those that I’ve gone back to quite often over the year. ‘Favourites are ‘A Tribe Called West’ and ‘Think of You’...

15) ScHoolboy Q- Blank Face LP:

I initially ignored this album (shock horror -_-), but my friend Dan had tweeted about how good this album was. It encouraged me to check it out: I wasn’t disappointed. ‘Definitely the strongest offering from TDE last year. ‘Kno’ ya Wrong’ and ‘Ride Out’ (one of Sounwaves hardest beats in a while) are standouts.

Random Note: If Black Hippy were the TMNT, I reckon Quincy would be Raph.

Another Random Note: This thought trail is based on my tendency to associate Hip-Hop artists (usually groups) with colours, and loosely based on the model sheet ‘The Line Animation’ did for their vine of the TMNT. If on the off chance’ you’re curious...: 

http://thelineanimation.tumblr.com/post/153342691923/turtle-assemble-progression-reel-and-model-sheets

...But I digress...

14) Incognito- In Search of Better Days:

Although by now I feel pretty clued up on what to expect from this band sonically, I ended up really enjoying this project more than recent offerings; their best since ‘Tales From The Beach’, although feature spots from bassist Stuart Zender, drummer Richard Spaven, and vocalist Vula Malinga, help in revitalising their sound...

13) Collective Peace- Introducing Collective Peace:

While I didn’t find much new in the Neo soul sound Collective Peace bring, I did find myself coming back to this album quite a lot. This album makes it this far up the list on the strength of ‘Sun Chaser’. ‘Let the Music Play’ and ‘Track IV’ do really well on a clear day also... 

12) Aisling Iris- Night Time Moves:

‘Another recommendation from Miss Laidlaw; She shared this album on twitter. I clicked the link and: I always forget how much I like Drew Horley’s production until I hear it again. Some strong melodies and Aisling Iris touches on love, loneliness, lust, being true to your dreams and the current political climate over these 13 tracks...

11) David Bowie- ★:

Over the past year and a half, I’ve done slightly better at taking recommendations from friends (even though I discover most things through someone else o_O). During the wake of Bowie’s passing, this album had received a lot of kudos and so on it went. I found myself sucked into the melodies and some of the soundscapes, particularly ‘Girl Loves Me’ and the title track. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised as Bowie was always quite forward thinking in his approach to musical trends...   

10) Nicholas Payton- Textures:

It’s no secret that I find Nicholas Payton- The Blogger quite cantankerous and unnecessarily miserable when speaking on music (there were quite a few points I agreed with in that ‘Black Messiah’ blog, but the delivery... *sigh*). The Musician however, has some pretty good ideas. This album was composed based on the textures an artist painted. Musically I can hear Odd Future (‘Hard’) or Terence Brown (‘Fuzzy’/‘Sticky’) creating something like this...

9) Solange- A Seat at the Table:

‘Don’t Touch My Hair’ was doing the rounds and so, having enjoyed ‘Solo Star’ (yep. That long ago...), I gave this a listen. I adore the subject matter along with the honesty to keep in mind “Not everyday ‘woke’, somedays take it easy”. I found a lot to enjoy on this project...

8) Claffy- Claffy:

Alexander Claffy presents us the stages of going through a break up; from travelling alone once more, to removing his things from his exe’s flat, to acceptance...only to lament once more with my favourite break-up track this year, ‘Epilogue’...

7) Robert Glasper Experiment- ArtScience:

While this band has been quite consistent with their output this year, I enjoyed this album the most. ‘My favourite works from the Experiment since ‘Festival’, and so great to see the whole group (particularly Casey) even more involved in writing the music. ‘No One Like You’ is my go to track on here.

Random Note: ‘You’ is used a lot in the track listing...Is ‘You’ the new ‘Love’?...

6) A Tribe Called Quest- “We Got It From Here...Thank You 4 Your Service”:

I pretty much agree with ‘The Guardian’s’ review of this album: “...loses focus in the last third, but the first two takes no prisoners lyrically or musically!..”. Nairobi comes correct with his bars on ‘The Space Program’. ‘Solid Wall of Sound’ and ‘Dis Generation...’ has the tightest super rapping I’ve heard since ‘Move yer Self’ by the Procussions. ‘Kids...’ is my favourite on here with tight solo verse followed by tight cyphering.

Side Note: The liner notes are definitely worth a read...

5) Corinne Bailey Rae- The Heart Speaks In Whispers:

‘Another artist I ignored while she was doing the touring circuit last spring. Hearing that she worked quite a bit with the Strother sisters (KING) caused me to check this album out. ‘Green Aphrodisiac’ was on repeat (I was relieved to find that this song wasn’t about smoking weed). ‘Loved the vulnerability in ‘Hey, I won’t Break Your Heart’, the synths in ‘Taken By Dreams’ and the echoey acoustics of ‘Night’.

Side Note: I found that this album feels more complete without the bonus tracks...

4) Kev Choice- 88 Steps to Eternity:

This musician/emcee has been pretty relentless with his output since ‘Oakland Riviera’ in 2014. I was stoked to hear that Kev was releasing an instrumental album and was impressed with what I heard. This album takes from Jazz, Soul, Hip-Hop and Trap. I found the A-Side was superior to the B-Side... 

3) KING- We Are KING:

‘We Are KING’ has been five years in the making. Despite hearing bits and bobs over the wait, I thoroughly enjoyed the complete product. My favourites include the glistening ‘The Right One’ and ‘Red Eye’, although ‘Supernatural’ and ‘The Story’ feel very much enhanced with their introductory movements. This was another project where I found the A-Side more compelling than the B-Side...

2) Soweto Kinch- Nonagram:

Soweto returns with a 96 minute journey of instrumentals and some rap tracks that attempts to convey ideas around the nine sided Nonagram. While I couldn’t quite figure that out, I have found myself replaying this album often too. Many of the instrumental pieces bring images of being at the start of some kind of challenge, whether it be building something, solving an equation, or just living...Had I not got this in November, I’m sure that ‘Soul Bearings’ would’ve been my most played track this year... 

1) 

Esperanza Spalding- Emily’s D+Evolution:

After this album’s release in March, I heard very little discussion about this project from other outlets. I myself however revisited this project throughout the year. ‘Emily’s D+Evolution’ shows a somewhat departure to the soft, sunniness we got from ‘Radio Music Society’, to deliver a Jazz/Rock fusion LP with the straight ahead attitude of a pop record. My favourite is ‘Noble Nobles’; this reminds me of something Thundercat might write. A very close second goes to ‘Ebony and Ivy’; ‘bonus points for the fact that my nieces enjoy this song too.

Random Note: This was another project in which I found it felt more complete without the bonus tracks...

Honorable Mentions: I’m only going for 10 this year; my previous lists have seen the honourable mentions list be longer than the top 20 list itself...

Yussef Kamaal- Black Focus:

‘An electronic/broken affair. The standouts are pretty great but I enjoyed the above more...

Anderson. Paak- Malibu:

...I’m sorry to say I have yet to fully get Anderson. Paak. There were definitely some strong pieces on this album, but I wasn’t that enticed by the rest...His live performance was brilliant though...

Chance The Rapper- Colouring Book:

This deserves a mention fully on innovation and general positivity musically.  This wasn’t something I revisited that much however...

Kanye West- The Life of Pablo:

This album is effectively a culmination of all of Kanye’s stages so far. There’s an element from each earlier album on here. While I’m not feeling all of this album I cannot deny Kanye’s ideas...

Isaiah Rashad- The Sun’s Tirade:

This album goes from hip-hop to trap influenced hip-hop...or is it hip-hop influenced trap?...I found the latter more intriguing, although ‘Bday’ gets a shout... 

Hiromi- Spark:

The Hiromi Trio project grace us with another project with sounds ranging from ferocious to gentle and everything in between. I just enjoyed the above more...

Chantae Cann- Journey to Golden:

There some lovely melodies and vocals on here. I felt like the 11 tracks are actually more like 6 or 7 pieces of music and so I felt a little cheated...

Music Soulchild- Life on Earth:

As far as standard RnB goes, there’s a fair bit to like on this album. I’m really feeling the head nod factor of ‘Heart Away’. I was a bit confused with the message in ‘The Girl’. I still enjoy that track as a slow jam though...

Kendrick Lamar- Untitled. Unmastered.:

Kendrick gives us what is effectively an anthology project containing demos from the ‘Butterfly’ sessions. Untitled’s 1-3, 5, 6 and the first half of 7 are strong. I found ‘Untitled 08′ paled in comparison to the live performance. I haven’t found myself returning to this that much...  

Random Note: If Black Hippy were the TMNT, I reckon Kendrick would be Donnie (Be honest. Who thought I was going to say Leo?)

Childish Gambino- “Awaken, My Love!”:

My relationship with funk is flaky at best. To illustrate the point, the standouts for me are ‘Riot’ and the reflective ‘Stand Tall’...

23 Valentine's Day Movies People Never Get Bored Of

Valentine’s Day is a great day to cuddle up and watch a movie about love. In fact, they actually made a movie called Valentine’s Day, but it was just a rip-off of Love, Actually. With so many sappy movies out there, it’s hard to sift out the good from just more of the same.

So we’ve done the work for you! Here are twenty-three of the best romantic movies ever made to watch on Valentine’s Day.

23 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

In this moving film, it is slowly revealed that a couple chose to have a procedure that erased memories of each other. Jim Carrey plays Joel, opposite Kate Winslet playing Clementine. As the movie slowly reveals loving and intimate moments in their relationship, you become more and more emotionally involved in the story.

Best Quote

Joel: “I could die right now, Clem. I’m just… happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be.”

22 – About Time (2013)

Tim Lake (played by Domhnall Gleeson) discovers a superpower when he turns 21: he can travel in time and change past events. While he could try doing any number of things to make the world a better place, he decides to use his power to…get a girlfriend. His romantic interest is Mary (played by Rachel McAdams), and their relationship endures its share of trials and tribulations.

This film is from the creators of Love Actually, and it’s worth a try for anyone looking for a well-done romantic comedy.

Best Quote

Tim: [voiceover] “We’re all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride.”

21 – The Notebook (2004)

The Notebook is beloved by women everywhere for good reason. Allie (Rachel McAdams) is such a warm and likable character, pursued by the equally charming Noah (Ryan Gosling). Their love story withstands many tests but we realize that it lasts into their old age.

Wonderful performances by McAdams and Gosling have made this a super-popular and award-winning film. It might be cheesy, but it’s heartwarming and genuine too.

Best Quote

Noah: “I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

20 – Love and Basketball (2000)

While many romance movies are difficult for men to watch, Love & Basketball helps draw male viewers into this “chick flick” genre becuase of its underlying sports theme. Quincy (Omar Epps) and Monica (Sanaa Lathan) meet on the basketball court as kids. Their love/hate relationship develops as their lives continually intersect – they’re both pursuing their individual dreams of playing pro ball.

If you’re young, enjoy sports, or crave passion, this movie’s for you.

Best Quote

Monica says, “It’s a trip, you know? When you’re a kid, you see the life you want, and it never crosses your mind that it’s not gonna turn out that way.”

19 – Cactus Flower (1969)

Kate Hudson’s mom, Goldie Hawn, won an Oscar for her portrayal of Toni Simmons, a confused 21-year old woman in a relationship with an older man (Walter Matthau). Although it sort of looks like an Austin Powers film, Hawn’s wit and charm allows you to still get into it.

The complicated love story is about the various lies a dentist tells to keep a relationship. Interestingly enough, the story was appropriated by by Adam Sandler in Just Go With It (2011).

Best Quote

Toni Simmons: “Now why don’t you go back and mind your own business like everyone else in New York City?”

Although it’s one of those bleak comedies, Lost in Translation has a great romance at its heart. Bob Harris (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) really capture what it feels like to be traveling somewhere completely unfamiliar and wanting a connection. The brief moments of Anna Farris spoofing Cameron Diaz add just the right amount of laughs to tide you over, until the moment when Bob whispers something in Charlotte’s ear and they say goodbye.

Best Quote

Charlotte: “Let’s never come here again because it would never be as much fun.”

17 – When in Rome (2010)

Although Forgetting Sarah Marshall is Kristen Bell’s most popular role, her performance in When in Rome (2010) is underrated. Bell plays Beth, an ambitious New Yorker who steals some coins from a famous love fountain in Italy during her sister’s wedding. Because of her theft, she’s chased down by Danny DeVito, Will Arnett, Jon Heder, and Dax Shepard, who are under a love spell.

The movie is lighthearted, funny, and a great way to create and celebrate a happy Valentine’s Day.

Best Quote

Beth: “Dad. When you married Mom, did you ever think that you wouldn’t make it?”

Beth’s Dad: “Elizabeth Ann. Honey, you cannot learn from my mistakes. You’re going to have to go out there and make your own. Now, you could get your heart broken or you could have the greatest love affair the world has ever known, but you’re not going to know unless you try.”

16 – 50 First Dates (2004)

You’d be hard pressed to come up with a more likeable couple of people than Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. In 50 First Dates, they’re in Hawaii, and after they meet, Henry Roth (Sandler) turns from a playboy to a devoted boyfriend—the only problem is the girl of his dreams has no short-term memory, so she relives the same day over and over. This movie brings laughs, but it’s also a sappy romance movie as only Sandler can do. It’s a chick flick anyone can enjoy.

Best Quote

Dr. Keats: “Tom was in a hunting accident and he lost part of his brain. His memory lasts only ten seconds.”

Ten Second Tom: “I was in an accident? That’s terrible.”

Dr. Keats: “Don’t worry, you’ll totally get over it in about three seconds.”

15 – Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

A testament to just how far a man will go to win over the woman he loves. Slumdog Millionaire portrays a poor man being tortured by the police for being suspiciously good at Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Dev Patel plays one of the most lovable characters on film.

This compelling film won no fewer than eight Oscars and garnered a lot of critical acclaim. The mixture of love, violence, and socioeconomic messages makes for a great date night screening. It’s a great pick to watch with someone who appreciates good films and with whom you want to share an intelligent conversation.

Best Quote

Jamal Malik: “I’ll wait for you at the train station every day at five.”

14 – The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) always has problems—the media hates him, the police hate him, other superheroes hate him, and he’s constantly struggling with his love life because of it. Regardless of how you feel about the new Spider-Man series, they made the right move dropping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). Their romance is one of the most memorable in comic book history.

Best Quote

Peter Parker: “We all have secrets: the ones we keep… and the ones that are kept from us.”

13 – The Tourist (2010) (Runner Up: Original Sin)

It’s not just that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are beautiful people; the location shots in Paris and Venice are simply stunning. This cat-and-mouse tale has enough thrills going for it to satisfy your intellectual needs, and it has some nail-biting action scenes to boot. You’re never quite sure who to believe, but you can’t deny there’s chemistry between the two—if there’s anyone who could steal Jolie from Pitt, Depp seems like the type.

Best Quote

Hotel Waiter Guido: “Bongiorno!”

Frank Taylor (Depp): “Bon Jovi!”

12 – This Means War (2012)

Reese Witherspoon is omnipresent in chick flicks – for good reason! All of her romantic comedies are enjoyable, but This Means War wins for mixing spy-versus-spy action into the mix. Chris Pine and Tom Hardy do a great job of keeping men distracted from Reese’s message that it’s OK to date multiple people. Adventurous couples will love this action-packed romp.

Best Quote

Trish (Chelsea Handler) “Don’t go with the better guy, go with the guy who makes you better.”

11 – (500) Days of Summer (2009)

Zooey Deschanel is that quirky and beautiful girl everyone wants to be or be with. In short, the boy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) meets the girl (Deschanel), and falls in love, but she’s just that into him. The movie highlights their relationship in a non-linear fashion, and is a great portrayal of modern love and relationships. (500) Days of Summer isn’t your traditional romantic comedy, and maybe that’s a good thing – unlike all the others, it’s a thought-provoking film about love.

Best Quote

Rachel Hansen: “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.”

10 – Walk the Line (2005)

This portrayal of Johnny and June Cash is an epic biopic. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon beautifully capture the essence of the romance. Johnny loved June Carter so much, he knew he had to marry her. Seeing their love blossom over the course of their lives is a great way to celebrate life and a relationship with someone you truly love beyond anything. These two real life people even died around the same time. It’s said Johnny died of a broken heart after June passed.

Best Quote

June Carter: “Well, then start loving yourself, so we can go back to work.”

9 – Ghost Town (2008)

The cynical among us love Ricky Gervais. In Ghost Town, he plays a man who can see dead people and is now doomed to help them with their love problems. It’s a wonderfully unique Valentine’s Day romance story. Everyone’s tired of people bragging about their relationships on Facebook, and Gervais portrays this feeling perfectly. Love isn’t always as much fun as it sounds; sometimes, you just end up involved in other people’s drama.

Best Quote

Bertram Pincus (Gervais): “All work and no play makes Jack- a vital member of society.”

8 – Shrek (2001)

It’s hard to believe it’s been over a decade since Shrek came out (!). This is a fun, backwards fairy tale where the ogre gets the girl. Featuring the voice talents of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, and John Lithgow, Shrek is a feel-good movie that’s perfect for the young – and mature – at heart.

Best Quote

Shrek: “For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.”

7 – Seems Like Old Times (1980)

Ahhh, the classics. One of the best movies from the 80s, Seems Like Old Times is a Neil Simon film that still maintains its charm. Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn are a divorced couple, and, after being forced to take part in a bank robbery, Chase hides out at Hawn’s house. The only problem is Hawn’s husband (Charles Groden) is the district attorney, so a lot of hijinx ensue. If you pine for an old flame, Seems Like Old Times is the Valentine’s Day romantic comedy for you.

Best Quote

Glenda (Hawn) “Chester. You just went through a stop sign.”

Chester (Chase) “I can’t help it. I don’t like to read when I drive.”

6 – About a Boy (2002)

You’d think watching a man hang out with an unrelated boy would be a little weird – and not great romantic-film fodder. But in About a Boy, it plays out beautifully. This is a buddy flick and a romance rolled into one, and it teaches men that parenting isn’t scary. If you’re a slacker who still hasn’t grown up, About a Boy is for you.

Best Quote

Marcus: “After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions, when I knew he really wanted to watch Xena Warrior princess.”

5 – True Romance (1993) (Runner Up: Natural Born Killers)

Quentin Tarantino isn’t exactly known for the romance in his films, but True Romance, which he wrote, is an epic romantic crime drama. There are drugs, hookers, and all sorts of guns. The love between Clarence (Christian Slater) and Alabama (Patricia Arquette) is something we all wish we had. By the time this movie reaches its bloody climax, not only will you be in love with Elvis, but you’ll know the origin of Sicilians.

Best Quote

Clarence Worley: “You just said you love me, now if I say I love you and just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may and you’re lying to me I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”

4 – Titanic (1997)

If you’ve never seen Titanic, you must! And if you have, consider watching it again for Valentine’s. This classic romantic-disaster film won eleven Oscars, because of its superb cast, plot, and music.

Spoiler Alert: The ship sinks, and it takes like half the movie. Before it happens though, Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) steals Rose (Kate Winslett) from her rich husband-to-be. Titanic is a tear-jerker with an epic romance that is fated to failure.

Best Quote

Jack Dawson: “Where to, Miss?”

Rose DeWitt Bukater: “To the stars.”

3 – Bride and Prejudice (2004)

This Bollywood take on the classic “Pride and Prejudice” is a musical delight. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan may not be well-known in majority-English-speaking countries, but she is beautiful and talented – her acting, singing, and dancing expertise is on full display. This movie is beautiful, tells an old story; and you’ll look sophisticated for suggesting it. The colorful costumes and set designs are like taking an exotic vacation from your couch.

Best Quote

Lalita Bakshi (Rai): “You should be stirring your husband’s dinner not trouble.”

2 – Love, Actually (2003)

Love Actually follows the intertwining stories of eight British couples dealing with love in very different ways. It’s a romantic comedy and a Christmas film, but its sappiness is matched by genuine and heartwarming moments. It’s impossible to watch this movie without laughing, crying, and falling in love with at least one character! Love Actually may be the best romantic comedy ever written.

Best Quote

Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) “Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”

1 – The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

This Oscar-nominated flick might not come to mind as a movie perfect for Valentine’s Day. But you and your Valentine’s Day date just might find that refreshing!

Martin Scorsese is known for his thrilling films, and Wolf of Wall Street does not disappoint. It’s a raw and emotional movie, with some violence, nudity, and drug use – all to show the underbelly of the high-octane world of finance. DiCaprio’s performance is compelling and exciting – this movie is worth your time!

Best Quote

Jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] “Oh, I’m good with water for now.”

Mark Hanna: “It’s his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.”

The post 23 Valentine’s Day Movies People Never Get Bored Of appeared first on Lifehack.

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