Ngl man..this made me snort laughing

Idk what the fuck this is

It's exactly 4.20 am as I start to write this. I'd usually be easily amused (as usual) at the fact it's 420 but not right now. I don't really know what this is. Like I don't know what it is im writing. I don't really know what anything is. I don't know what I am or like who I am. And no I'm not stoned or trying to be a mysterious angsty little indie kid. I'm genuinely out of my mind right now. I'm feeling a little bit more sane now I'm writing I don't know if it's the act of my brain articulating or if it's me getting out these weird fucking feelings but it's working so il do it. I'm still not feeling completely normal yet. I'm gonna explain what is happening to the best of my knowledge. Which is pretty limited so don't expect much idk. It is like the 7th of January technically because it's morning. I had a normal day today well normal considering the previous few days or weeks since Christmas. Everyday I've been waking up late not doing anything except texting on my phone and facetiming my best friend. She has no leg. Just including that because I usually forget. But yeah so I did nothing all day and usually or for the previous days at least i have been staying awake all night and into the next morning then sleeping then waking up late and repeating I think you might get it now. But today and yesterday I have been sleeping at kinda more normal people hours 11-12 pm is it 12 am actually idk but yeah then I wake up at around 4 and stay awake for a while on my phone again then sleep and wake up late. Okay now you kind of have a bit of understanding to how my past few weeks have went. Today/tonight/this morning I fell asleep at around 11-12 I woke up at 2 am and I felt so sick worse then yesterday oh yeah by the way I have the flu. It is actually painful my body and head are aching, coughing badly, congested nose, fever etc I just feel shitty. So I woke up anyways and I felt so so sick which was annoying cos I had felt better yesterday or like a few hours ago idkk. But I felt so awful so I started going on my phone and watching stuff cos I couldn't go back asleep. I gradually realised I feel very weird like in my head like disoriented, weak, dizzy all in my head and kind of feeling a bit out of my mind. And I don't know what's happening this happens every once in a while well actually often but like I don't know what it is that is happening all I know is that IT is happening. I can't explain it I don't even know why I'm trying to write about it when I can't explain it at all. I'm going to try maybe il do examples. Have you ever taken e? Ecstasy like I mean tablets ? Or well any drugs idk. Well if you have and your familiar with being out of your face but in a good way it's like barley but kind of similar but very very bad and not good. If you haven't idk imagine your thoughts and your consciousness are a balloon usually attached to you by a string but the strict broke and the balloon keeps floating away but it stays just close enough your not completely without it but it's floating and moving around and being weird as fuck. If someone actually reads this they probably think I'm on drugs right now. Wrong, I kinda wish. Actually no I feel like this combined with being under the influence of anything would be terrible. I just realised I'm sitting here talking to the notes app. Anyways moving on I have really bad depression I've never been to the doctor about it but when you have it this bad you just fucking know and don't give me that bollox about how "OMG every teenager is self diagnosing themselves through the internet nowadays every teenager has anxiety and depression". I've kind of known since a very young age there was something not normal or right there. Really dumb suicide attempts that would actually never work but 10 year old me thought would kinda give me a track record. If you want examples okay I'll give you some be warned there so stupid they might be funny. Example 1) banging a heavy hairbrush off my head over and over whilst sobbing uncontrollably then trying to sleep in hopes of me dying of a concussion in my sleep. Yeah stupid I know 11 year old me was weird. I may have been younger actually I just have a very very bad memory. Example 2) drinking cleaning products age about 10. I don't remember what happened to provoke this or the other one but my friends were in my house having a sleep over nothing bad even happened I don't remember though and I randomly felt a wave of sadness coming on so I locked myself in the bathroom my plan was to stay in there till I was done being a sad emotional wreck but then I started drinking stuff thinking it would kill me. Wrong all it did was make lots and lots of bubbles come out of my nose and mouth as I sobbed on my bathroom floor. My ma eventually got angry at me for leaving my friends in my room so long and being in there so long so I cleaned my face and went outside. There probably hilarious attempts to others and quite embarrassing for me but I genuinely wanted to die. And I was like a child so idk. When I was 11-12 I smashed this perfume bottle by accident and my ma was cleaning it up and I remember keeping one of the shards and hiding it in my art supply box thing idk and I planned to cut myself with it but I could never do it all I did was scrape my wrists and little tiny bits of blood came out idk why I couldn't do it I'm probably suppose to be happy I didn't do it but all I can think is why was I so weak why didn't I do it. I would be annoyed if I had scars though cos I'd hate for people to see them or for people to think I was attention seeking. Not that all people who cut themselves are attention seeking but some people think like that unfortunately. That's one thing I'm never doing or at least never ever doing intentionally is attention seeking. My big brother drilled that into my head at an early age that I was "an attention seeking cunt" so il never do that. Like I'm writing all this stuff and I'm getting annoyed at myself. I am actually thinking in my head " why are you sitting there feeling sorry for your self your so pathetic" I don't even know what to do I feel like il never be able to deal with the meanest most cruel person I know, which is me. Why does my brain do this like it attacks its self it is so weird. What is the point why does this happen? And because I'm aware of it and think of it you'd think I can stop it wouldn't you. I do have some good days. I don't remember the last good day that didn't involve being stoned or drunk or on drugs. But sober or not they happen. They just end really fast. Say if I have two really good days. Il randomly start thinking about how ugly I am how I have the worst personality all the bad stuff my brother told me about my self everyday growing up. All the bad shit about me my ma said to me. Every bad encounter every time someone said something about me that I can't fix. All the times I fucked up all the shit I didn't accomplish that I could have. How I have no friends how I haven't had a real boyfriend I love or even liked actually and probably won't ever have one. How fucked up the world is how there's people with real problems like living in actual poverty in third world countries and I sit here feeling sad over my fucking thoughts and other people's thoughts. Why do I do it? And because I'm aware of it and think of it you'd think I can stop it wouldn't you. I've been writting for 35 minutes now and I actually don't feel any better. So I think il just stop.