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If you are in the United States, please try:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)
The Trevor Project (LGBTQ youth, ages 13-24)
National Eating Disorders Association (online chat, text)
RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline)
If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.
For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.
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Nobody ever talks about how selfless it is to choose, over and over again, to not commit suicide. Nobody ever acknowledges the tremendous sacrifice suicidal people make every time we choose not to kill ourselves. When a person who is suffering so horribly that death seems like their best option decides not to take their one way out, and to instead remain in hell, day after day, month after month, year after year, because they don't want to hurt the people they love, they are doing something extraordinary. Not killing yourself when it's all you want to do is the purest act of love I can imagine. Dying for someone is easy - you don't have to deal with any of the consequences, you have your moment of nobility and then it's all over. But living for someone, when the simple fact of consciousness is literal torture for you? Every single suicidal person who ever made a choice to not kill themselves in a moment of misery is a goddamn hero in my eyes. Wanting to die and still surviving is an act of titanic courage and self-sacrifice. We deserve more credit for it.
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Okay but actually if House and Wilson are having sex the whole time… it’s bleak.
- you fall in love with a man after his divorce. maybe he loves you too?
- he gets married to a woman. he doesn’t even like her. she knows about you two.
- you meet someone. she seems great, until she overrides your consent to save your life. it saves your life. it destroys your life. it ruins your ability to trust.
- you basically give up on looking for someone else. you can’t really be with your boy best friend, but at least he’s protective in a way you trust.
- wife # 2 comes and goes. wife #3 comes and goes. she’s never more important than you. except for being the wife.
- you think he’s stopped trying to find a long-term partner other than you. it only hurts a little when he finds stupid short-term flings.
- you offer to be a sperm donor for a friend / former flame trying IVF. she excitedly involves you in the process even if she doesn’t want your sperm. maybe this is how you get a family.
- she stops.
- your boy best friend starts seeing someone new. he actually likes her this time—because she actively reminds him of you. you can’t decide whether this is better or worse.
- you decide it’s better. you come to a “strange detente” with her. he’s happy. you’re mostly happy but you sabotage them a bit. lightheartedly. mostly.
- she gets in an accident because of you. your boy best friend is trying to protect you until you all realize it’s her.
- he asks you to risk your life to save her. you’ve always needed to go to extremes, in a desperate situation like this. he knows that. but he may also value her life over yours.
- you do it. it fails. he leaves.
- at least your old flame is there and you’re not completely alone.
- you’re bad at being vulnerable, but you ask him to stay. he leaves.
- you figure out that he is just scared. you make up.
- your old flame adopts a child, but you are not involved in any way.
- you begin to hallucinate. you fear this will result in losing your boy best friend. when you check into Mayfield, you believe that it has.
- but when you move out, you move in with him. you don’t really care if he has sex with the neighbor. you’ve been having sex with other people the whole time, and honestly the competition is kind of hot.
- you settle in. no more dating. he furnishes your apartment, and the one thing he picks? a way of saying he wants you.
- you don’t have a conversation about the relationship, but you’re pretty sure you’re essentially married now. you two have always felt that actions speak louder than words anyways.
- then he dates his ex-wife who used the hell out of him. you spiral, hostile and angry.
- he’s never going to see you and him as a real relationship. you’re never going to be good enough in that way. never never never
- your old flame is falling in love with someone else. you get jealous.
- she decides her feelings for you are greater. it’s your one last shot at a partnership. you can’t screw it up
- but deep down you know
- you know you’ll never be good enough
- she just hasn’t figured it out yet
- she figures it out
- you spiral, but this time it’s a free fall
- by this point, you know the dirty little secret of your life. your boy best friend will never be with you, but he’ll never leave you either. you tell him to do whatever he needs to do to get over it. he does.
- he has cancer. treatment doesn’t work.
- you’ve lived in pain, physical and emotional, for decades. he won’t live in pain for two years for you.
- you believe a miserable life is better than a miserable death. he believes a merciful death is better. you have never been able to reconcile this one fundamental difference between you.
- you never will
- the repetition becomes trite: you spiral
- it’s going to cost you everything. you should just give up.
- you find another way out. you fake your death to share his last five months with him.
- you run away together
- everyone will say you were selfish. an ass. they will say you never thought of anyone but yourself. they will say your boy best friend sacrificed and sacrificed. they will never see what you gave to him.
- story of your life
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