okay so with a in 9th grade i was her only close friend and she was also a really close friend of mine and after just our first meeting outside and she told me that she liked k-pop (especially blackpink) i went through my drawers to try to find the balckpink magazine that i bought at 7th grade and gave her everything, the posters, the cards and my love with them to her just the next day at school. then we started getting more and more close and she even invited me to her house to study it was so fucking perfect until summer and even in the summer i invited her family to stay over at our summer house but they couldnt come because they were very busy but then 10th grade came and she started talking with e and d and she started to ignore me and also in 9th grade i had a fight with ş and at that time e and d were also my friends but not really close but friend friends yk but after that fight they also ignored me so they didnt really saw me as their friends after all but at least at that time i had a and A with me so i wasn't that bad at least i actually had geniune friends now that were on my side but with starting 10th grade i have lost a to them and i just feel so betrayed like what did i do for her to not even celebrate my birthday and i never done a bad thing to her or said somthing bad about her behind her back even now when i talk about her i say how nice of a person she was even if i am talking about her leaving me for other people.she didnt celebrate my birthday this year but last year i made my mom crochet her a bag that matched with mine as a birthday present but we never got to use it to match because our friendship feel apart, and the fucking pathetic thing is i still fucking celebrated her birthday this yeari knew that it was her birthday from the start of the day and i fought myself to not celebrate it the whole day because she was the one that put a ending to our friendship because i still tried to get back in touch with her after not seeing each other the whole summer but no she decides to ignore me but at 23.30 i still celebrated her birthday with also apologising that i celebrated it too late and i just feel so and so pathetic and i dont know i dont regret loving her but i regret letting myself get this much affected i dont know i just dont want to celebrate her birthday at least next year. at least me hurting this much proves that i actually really and genuinly loved her, i mean if you didnt truly love someone how could you not grieve over them when tney are gone, at least this pain is an incidation of the truthness my love her.

something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍

i logged back into an abandoned account on a different site out of curiosity and seeing messages that were sent to you when you were still a child new to the internet is so surreal...

to anyone reading this, please be careful and mindful of who you speak to online. be careful of what information you tell them. if someone makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable, don't just ignore it or brush it off like it's nothing. block them, report it, do anything that ensures your safety—especially if you are a minor. stay safe both online and irl. protect yourself.

I can't sleep.

OH FUCK ME. EMU IM SO SORRY. EMU I’M SO SORRY FOR DOING THIS TO YOU. OH CHRIST

Uh oh. I accidentally liked a marvel movie. Losing my media snob credibility immediately

wanna post a thingie I was working on but also still wanna be below the radar idk

just saw a photo of me w long hair and. ew

woe another tag vent session be upon ye

idk what it is with me and women but they just flock to me in my time of need. 5 seconds ive been in a room and they want to tie my shoelaces for me they wanna help me do things they want to give me advice and make sure im okay i what

in a bad mood for multiple unrelated reasons :thumbsup:

what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!

i love final fantasy.

hey alexa what’s the morality of pretending you picked up a spare shift at work and that’s why you ghosted your friend for a day because talking to them is draining and you were very tired last night and now it’s been over 18 hours and it’s a bit awkward to respond now

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

are we doing new year’s resolutions yet. i never do them but for this year i just wanna try to take care of myself more. lamest possible thing but. yeah