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ohnopeh · 3 days

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do you ever think about mandy telling ian that being with caleb was an upgrade from mickey?

i think about the look on his face and the hesitation in speaking to mandy about it. to me it’s like ian was disappointed in knowing mandy would still look down on mickey, especially considering she was there witnessing him taking care of ian and his disorder. i love that ian says i miss mickey despite him telling svetlana he’s ’done with that part of his life’ and hurting mickey in the prison scene.

i feel like that’s the moment ian’s mask slips away and he wants to be honest with mandy for a second, allowing himself to acknowledge that he does miss mickey but he broke up with him because he loves him too much.

this is why he quickly adds the ‘but’ trying to convince himself that what he has now it’s okay, he can move on. adding the bit about him surely breaking up with caleb because of him being bipolar says a lot about them too. cause ian expects caleb to leave him and he’s ‘okay’ with it. what ian knew back then too was that mickey wouldn’t have left ian, ever. he didn’t want mickey to suffer and put him through all that— after being with his mother and having to live with her and her boyfriend in their miserable state. he realised what he would have put mickey through and did what he considered the best thing for him.

he kept himself busy, building his life away from him, getting into relationships and pretending that was what he truly wanted, but then he hears about mickey being back and suddenly everything comes crashing down. all of his intense feelings, what made him feel alive, those are back.

ian not being able to sleep at night cause he kept thinking about mickey shows why he would protect himself by pretending he doesn’t care

when he meets mickey for the first time after jail, he goes straight to him to ‘fight’ and it feels like ian has never been more alive than that time. i don’t see him pretending or trying to fit into what he is not ( which is what i think he did with his other relationships as they kept judging ian for one thing or another )

when he talks to fiona at night he tells her he can’t get him out of his head, he finally admits that he’s always thought of mickey and finally seeing him led to him spiralling and all of his self control going to shit. trying to control himself not to give in, cause he’s done that so well by having mickey away from him, out of reach but he’s there now and he can’t help it.

he literally saw mickey a couple of hours before saying that and they were together for like, 5 minutes? yet that was enough for ian to feel that thrill that he tried so hard to forget and convince himself he could live without.

i love that he runs away with mickey, i love that mickey tells him ian was the only one that had his back and that not even his family did half of the shit ian did for him. how ian admits he didn’t visit because it was hard to see him through the glass, cause fuck how can he keep himself stable if everything he wants and makes him happy is so close but so far away? and then ian admitting he thought of mickey a lot, finally being honest about that.

i completely get ian not going to mexico with mickey back then, that would have been a shit show for both but i also love the fact that ian wanted to be there so that he could see with his own eyes that mickey was finally safe and once again free (in some extent).

him telling lip about running away, asking if he should have gone with mickey. like he knows he wanted to do that, he forced himself to walk away but the moment he thought lip considered them running away together a good idea, he felt hopeful and regretful cause he wanted someone else to confirm he’s not losing control but that it was ok to do, the right thing.

but monica dies right there and i can’t imagine ian being in mexico finding out about it and being so far away, not being able to go back. i feel like mickey would have blamed himself so much for that too.

things go to shit from there on and i know it’s both because of monica dying and mickey leaving. he doesn’t have the time to control himself, to shut his feelings off and put mickey in the back of his mind locked away like before. everything comes crushing down and then trevor isn’t supportive, blames him for things and gets angry at him for the whole gay jesus thing (like hello, he’s having a bipolar episode? )

i’m sure ian just couldn’t stop himself comparing the way mickey treated him, loved him and cared for him during his ups and downs— to how trevor dealt with it all. he keeps going down cause nothing makes sense anymore.

then he goes to prison, everything still sucks and it worse because he’s still recovering, still vulnerable and has to spend years in a place that’s not safe, not familiar to him. but he sees him, he sees mickey and it’s like he can breathe for the first time. he’s finally safe and he’s loved