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godessanonymous · 5 months

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OP81 - Pieces of you

Request: No.

Genre: Hurt, Comfort

Triggers: SH (semi-Graphic), mental health, mentions ofpsychwards.

Summary: Uni is draining you more than ever, causing you to relapse. Oscar finds you, he wants to help

Not proofread - 2.4k Words - will most likely be updated/rewritten at some point

TRIGGER WARING UNDER THE BREAK !!! Please stay safe!

Bloody Arms. Bloody legs. A blade and a empty pill bottle on the floor. Red stains on the bathroom floor. A frantic nurse running in yelling out to another nurse. Words you could not quite make out. Everything was a blur. You knew what you did. But you barely felt the pain.

It had been 3 years since you were discharged from the psych ward for the final time, you have been getting better ever since.

About one and half years ago you met Oscar, your now boyfriend. You had met at a bar after a race of his. You worked as a logistics manager for Red Bull so it wasn’t unusual for you to be at the track every now and then. At first you hadn’t recognized the young Australian when he chatted you up at the counter of the small bar. He was clearly a little drunk but still one of the politest men you had come across whilst going out. The alcohol helped him work up courage and at the end of a fun night getting to know each other and dancing he awkwardly asked for your number. At this point you had recognized him but after some thinking you decided to give him your number. He was cute, gentle, and certainly a very calm person. You liked that, so why not. It was time to get back into the dating game.

The chatting stage was a little awkward but once he found out you worked in motorsports as well, he started to get a little more chatty. It wasn’t long until he asked you out for dinner. He did not disappoint, a fancy restaurant in the middle of town, it was the best night of your life you thought. Even though you tried to hide it best you could in the early stages of your relationship, he eventually saw your scars. To your surprise he didn’t seem disgusted or disappointed, how people usually reacted. He seemed worried but approached the topic in the right way. He asked you if you were okay to tell him about it. Later he told you that he didn’t mind them, he didn’t think they were ugly. They were a new part about you he didn’t know.

After that you became a lot more open about your past struggles. Sometimes they still got to you, but it got less and less as time passed. A panic attack here and there, being overwhelmed and days you just slept. Oscar was your rock, he felt just as safe as you around him and took care of you when you weren’t doing that well. Same goes for you, sometimes Oscar would get home absolutely drained, then it was your turn to make sure he recovered a bit.

He wasn’t home all the time; his job simply made that impossible. You both dearly missed each other during the long weekends and time spent away from each other. Your love language was touch after all, being deprived of it for weeks was hard, for Oscar too.

The past two weeks had been such weeks, Uni was in the midst of the exam phase at the end of the semester, and it was safe to say you were struggling hard. You were passing your exams, some well others just barely. But you made it through. The cost? Your mental and physical health, you didn’t sleep enough anymore, probably not eating enough. You noticed the familiar feeling of numbness creeping back into your body, your ability to focus was slowly declining and you got more and more tired, basically running on caffeine at this point. One last exam tomorrow, one last all nightery to make it work, one last grind until your break. Two days after that Oscar was set to return home. Finally.

You walked out of the exam room toward the exit of the big university building, your hand was still a little cramped up and head hurting. The exam went okay, it wasn’t your best work but you would pass, you were pretty sure about that at least. You never know until you get the results but feeling somewhat decent about it was a good thing. You trusted your gut.

Right now, your gut was telling you that you need either rest, alcohol or a hug. Two of those weren’t options so rest seemed the only logical thing to do.

It was finally over. That’s all you could think about as you walked back into the apartment you and your boyfriend shared. It was a mess, the dishes weren’t done, clothes on the floor and papers and materials scattered all over the size of the flat.

You felt disappointed in yourself, Oscar shouldn’t have to come back to a messy home. You really should clean, but the energy just wasn’t there anymore, all you wanted to do was fall into the soft sheets of your bed and finally let your body relax. You suddenly became painfully aware of how tense your body was. All your muscles were hard and hurting from all the work you had been doing.

You didn’t even have the energy to get changed and just sunk into the bedsheets wearing a 3 day old hoodie just barely managing to get the jeans off your legs. The sheets felt cold, not as comfortable as you had hoped. You missed the warmth of Oscars body against yours. He was always so warm, no idea how but he was like a human heating pad. Thinking of him you fell asleep finally.

It was almost 4 PM when you woke up. You were still beyond tired, yet your body wouldn’t let you rest anymore. That all so familiar tingly feeling cooking up inside your body, feeling it in your veins, your bones, everywhere. Your breath hitches, gut clenching as the panic overwhelms you. The place you were in was dangerous, you couldn’t go back there. Into that dark place you almost paid with your life with to get out of. Those lonely nights, cold white rooms and silver blade across your skin.

Despite even the thought of it making you want to scream, the want of a release right now was so high. What else was there to do? You still had them, those sharp silver metals. You knew exactly where they were, stuck to the bottom of your bedside drawer with some tape. A place where no one could find them ever. Just for you, a safety net to fall back on.

After all these years you still couldn’t let go. Your last relapse was almost a year ago, you had hidden it from Oscar. The burning tension under your skin. The thought of feeling again. How good it felt. It was all overwhelming you. Tears long dried out and your mind taking over. You lost control of what you were doing. You didn’t want this.

The familiar feeling of regret kicked in hard. In the moment you felt euphoric, feeling something finally. All the tension getting release for just a couple of seconds. What had you done. No. You ruined it again. Everything. Your progress- all for nothing.

It was a bad one, the red lines spreading all across your thighs some even having been placed on your already scarred wrists. They didn’t need stiches, you made sure of that. But they stung, like hell, like they always did.

The bleeding stopped. A bit of it had already made its way onto the sheets. It was too late to clean up that mess now. You needed to get up. Eat. Drink water. Clean. Get everything ready for Oscar tomorrow. Oscar. Fuck- he was going to be back so soon. He couldn’t see you like this. What if he was disappointed, angry, what if he was going to leave you.

This was all your fault. Every fiber of your body was screaming at you to get back up, clean up and move. But your mind refused to move a single muscle.

The exhaustion of fighting your own mind finally kicked in enough to make you drift back off into the land of dreams. Failing to notice the messages and a missed call from you loving man.

Oscar unlocked the front door of your shared apartment in anticipation. It was 2PM you should be up by now. He couldn’t wait to finally feel your skin again. The body, voice and warmth of his loved girl.

He was surprised to find the apartment still dark, blinds shut. He quietly placed down his suitcase as his eyes adjusted to the light levels of the rooms. It was a bit of a mess, dishes piling up on the kitchen island and random papers and clothes scattered all over. Taking quite steps toward the bedroom he grew more and more worried. He knew you had a lot on your hands with school and all the work that came with it. You hadn’t mentioned that it was this bad though. It looked like you had not been taking care of yourself at all.

Reaching the wooden door he pushed the handle down and slowly swung the door open. There you were, in a pile of blankets, looking ever so small. The bedroom was even messier than any of the other rooms of the house. “Oh baby…” he mumbled, as he was about to walk over to the bed to gently wake you up to greet you.

That’s when he noticed. One of your sleeves was rolled up, red still staining it. The smallest bit of your thigh peeking out under the fluffy blankets. His eyes widened at this sight. His heart broke a little. His favorite person was doing terrible and he hadn’t noticed… why didn’t you say anything. How did it get this bad. What was he going to do? All those questions running through his mind simultaneously.

“Oh god- Love? Hey?” He said, louder this time. Worry filling his voice to a point of almost breaking.

You woke up to the familiar voice. He was home already? Oh lord he was home already. No this cant be, he wasn’t supposed to see this. You opened your eyes to stare in the wide open, worried eyes of Oscar. “Osc- I’m so sorry, i- I’m okay“ you tried to reassure him tears already rolling down your face. He took a big step towards the bed and collapsed by your side. “No love no your not. What’s going on, talk to me. Please-“ He chocked out. You cried, you tried to speak but you couldn't. Oscar just laid there. Arms wrapped tightly around you. All he wished was that he could protect you from this. It shouldn’t have happened, you should be safe now. The thought of you needing him and him not being there broke his heart.

You laid like that for close to a hour before your sobs started to finally slow down and shrink down to quiet sniffles. “I’m sorry Oscar I’m so sorry, you weren’t supposed to see this. I’m sorry-“ you choked out. “No darling don’t apologize, its not your fault. I’m sorry that you are struggling like this. I’m here now you’re okay baby.” He responded. You could tell he was broken seeing you like this. But all he wanted is to take care of you right now. Make you feel better in any way he could. “let me help you please. What can I do for you right now?” The question seemed overwhelming, you weren’t sure what to respond. Food? A shower? More cuddles? All of those if it was possible.

Oscar took note of your indecisiveness and gave you options instead. “Okay how about we go get your cuts cleaned and bandaged, ill order some food and we watch your favorite show. Or if you’re ready we can talk about it.” He said, voice sounding ever so gentle. “Yes please.”

He got off the bed and you immediately missed the comforting presence. He was quick to return with a small first aid kit.

The wound disinfectant stung, you let out a pained noise. Oscar stopped, looking up at you for your okay to keep going. You gave him a small nod. His touch was so light, he didn’t want to hurt you more. White bandages soon covered all the open skin where the blade had done its dance across the pale skin of your sleep deprived body.

The food didn’t take long to get there. It was your favorite Chinese Place. Its what you ordered almost every time when Oscar returned from races. It was comfort food.

You were back in bed. The rookie, your comfort series playing on the big screen across from you. You cuddled as close to your boyfriends body as possible. You couldn’t stop the quite apologies tumbling from your lips but Oscar was quick to shut it down. “Love, I am not mad at you. Non of this is your fault. We will get this sorted out. We can clean together, we can get you all the help you need. We are going to put you first. You’ll be okay. I promise. You’re so incredibly strong, you’ve got this okay. I love you.” He said, his chest vibrating against your ear. His hands were roaming your body, leaving small kisses wherever he could reach. He wanted you to feel loved. He knew you loved him and he loved you but he wanted to make sure you knew it in this exact moment.

As you were finding embrace in his strong arms he reached for a pen on the side of the bed. He pulled the cap of with his teeth and gave you a questioning look. You were confused. What did he want with that pen. He decided to show you, as he gently grabbed your wrist and pulled it in front of himself. He started doodling on the top part of your arm, the part not covered by bandages. He drew little stars, and butterflies.

It made your eyes water again. “You’re so beautiful my love.” He said drawing another small butterfly.

He was what you need. All you needed. He was your rock, and he was always there to pick up every ever so tiny piece of you when you broke apart. That’s what love is about. Being there when the other needs it the most. You understood that now more than ever.

This oneshot very much stems from my own struggels, for anyone feeling the same. I hope youre doing alright. Youre doing great bean, youve got this. It gets better i promise.

#f1 one shot #formula 1 x reader #op81 #oscar piastri #mental health #comfort #safe place #formula one fanfiction

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