Ive been picking up a few new characters to fill out some side character roles in the dennie story and while that's been working out very well I also accidentally slipped and now I might have a new mini story oops

thank you @chiptrillino for tagging me in a wip game!

not quite sure what the rules are but based off of your AMAZING POST OF ART WIPS (check it out here yall chip is so talented) ive decided to just share some parts of my writing wips that i rlly like because i cannot draw whatsoever lmao

enjoy some lil snippets hehe

from heart don't stand a chance:

"Zuko couldn’t get over her eyes. She was looking past the camera towards the man who took it. Zuko could see clear as day the love she held for Sokka in her gaze.

It was a perfect moment that Sokka had captured. No wonder held it with him at all times. If someone had looked at Zuko like that, he’d never want to see anything again.

As he took in the photograph, Sokka sat next to him in silence. His hand was clutching the ring around his neck again in his fist, pressing it close to his mouth as he peered over Zuko’s shoulder to look. Zuko turned to him to compliment the picture and saw a sad fondness lingering in his eyes."

this is a scene i wrote a while ago thats gonna appear in a much later chapter. but yeah. more yue angst for you guys im so sorry.

from i love you (and that's all i really know):

"Mister Sokka," a little voice wishpered in his ear as he felt tiny pokes on his cheek, "Wake up Mister Sokka."

"Good morning to you too Izumi," Sokka responded wearily as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked towards the little girl who was standing on her tippy toes to see over the edge of the bed and poke his face until he rose.

She smiled at him once she realized he was awake.

"Can we have pancakes?" She asked shyly, hiding her mouth just below the edge of the bed as she looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

That look was going to be dangerous for him later on, he could aready tell.

"Sure thing, Izumi, just let me sleep for five more minutes, mkay?" He asked as he shut his eyes again. He was exhausted from last nights events, and the sun had barely risen. How did Zuko do this?"

this is a scene from the next chapter of this fic. so much sokka and izumi bonding you guys are gonna explode hehehe.

from cherry (the mailee fic i wont shut up about that is now a whopping 19 pages):

"Mai never had to guess with Ty Lee. She always knew when Ty Lee was happy about something because she would use an obnoxious amount of exclamation points. She would send gifs of people or cartoons making outlandish expressions whenever she wanted to react to Mai’s text with a specific facial expression. Sometimes Ty Lee would even send voice memos whenever her thoughts became too long, or she got too excited about a story that her fingers couldn’t type as fast as she could speak."

hehe i love mailee.

from yours (the mailee sorority fic that i promise i did not forget about):

"Mai lifted her head off the pillow again and met Zuko’s eyes. She studied his impassive expression, trying to figure out if he was joking or not. He did seem like he missed Mai and Azula, so maybe he did really just want to catch up with them.

But Mai wasn’t going to give up a golden opportunity like this.

“Tell us everything about the boy toy as well and you’ve got yourself a deal,” Mai said.

Zuko rolled his eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine. And his name is Sokka by the way.”

“Nuance. You also have to wake up Azula.”

“No chance in hell,” Zuko scoffed, “You’re the roommate and her fellow ‘pong princess,’ wake-up duty is all yours.”

“If she murders me, it’s your fault. She’s a bitch when she’s hungover.”

“Whatever you say, Mai,” Zuko grinned before returning back to his phone."

i have decided that zuko is a little shit for this fic and no one can stop me.

from Where'd All the Time Go? (the yuekka fic that i have severe writers block with that i also promis i have not forgotten about):

"“Sokka I really think you need to take a moment and-”

“I am fine Aang, I don’t have time for a feelings talk right now. Right now I need to find the fucking chief of this damn place.” His words came out harsher than he meant, but he didn’t have the time to dwell on that.

Before Sokka could run off again to continue his search, a hand grabbed his arm. One of Arnook’s advisors, Malina, had started dragging him towards the podium.

“Do you not realize how late you are for this Sokka? The ceremony was supposed to begin with your speech nearly an hour ago-” she hissed at him as she pulled him along through the crowd.

“Malina I’m sorry but I really need to speak with Arnook it is urgent-”

“This damn speech of yours is what’s urgent right now Sokka, you can speak with Arnook later but the guests are getting antsy so you need to give your speech right. Now.”

“But-”

“Now.”

Maline shoved Sokka towards the podium and suddenly all eyes were on him. Every guest in attendance had their focus solely on Sokka."

homeboy is stressed in this scene. things are slowly going to shit in this chapter. i promise i will update this before the end of the year. i swear. im so sorry.

from a currently untitled jetko/sukka boiling rock fic:

"“Oh good, you survived after all,” She said in a mocking tone.

Jet didn’t answer. He knew anything he said would be used against him. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know what was happening. But he would be damned if he showed that weakness in front of the fire nation.

“I was told you were more talkative than this,” the girl mused. There was something familiar about her, “my informants were very detailed when discussing your little teashop romance.”

I knew it. Jet snarled in his mind, That bastard betrayed me."

i want this fic to be a little darker but idk how good i am at writing darker fics because i love fluff and humor too much. this could be good angst practice for me.

from a toph and sokka fic that i wrote a while back to help me cope w some shit that i dont know if ill ever post:

"“Sokka? Are you still there?” Toph asked, the slightest hint of concern began to slip into their voice

“Tell me a story,” he was trembling. Despite all of his efforts to sound calm, he knew his voice came out trembling and scratchy and pathetic-

“Is everything okay? You don’t sound too hot,” Toph said through the phone.

Breathe, Sokka, breathe. You don’t want them to be worried, you just need to calm down.

“Please, Toph, I just,” he said through shaky breaths that weren’t nearly deep enough for him to be getting enough oxygen, “I just need a distraction. I just need to hear your voice okay?”"

nonbinary toph anyone?

from a 10 things i hate about you kataang and zukka au:

"“What? Something on my face?” the guy asked deadpanned. He rubbed at his scar as if he were wiping off a smudge of mustard, and Aang’s face went pale.

“Stop scaring the sophomores Zuko, this one’s new. He won’t get your… humor… just yet,” Ms. Wu said as she waved Aang off again.

“I’m hurt that you’d imply I’m not funny, Wu. I’m hilarious,” the senior, Zuko, said as he walked past Aang.

Aang let out a sigh of relief knowing that this Zuko guy didn’t seem all that offended by his awkwardness, and darted out of the room."

zuko is a little shit part 2. the amount of sarcasm i have dripping off of heath ledger zuko is glorious. let zuko be a little shit. i havent added to this in months but when i finish some of my other wips i cant wait to get back to this.

i have more wips and drafts saved but none of them have anything juicy or funny or interesting yet because all of them are like less than three pages so far

but yeah, heres a good chunk of sneaky peakys from my wips!

I hope you liked them!

anyone who wants to do this can totally go for it. imma tag @ambykinns @lumities and @flowers-inthepieshop (only if you all want too!!) because this was fun :)

Is This Love?

Xavier Plympton x serial killer! reader

Summary: Reader is looking for her next victim but stumbles across Xavier, which changes everything.

Warnings: Smoking weed, not a lot of violence but it definetly talks about death and killing A LOT like not really in detail but just be careful when reading, no smut but a extremly steamy makeout scene happens, and sex is also mentioned I think once but it’s kept pretty vague.

Words: 5.5k+

A/N: First of all, sorry this is so fucking long lmao also I’m sorry this took me so long to write!! This fic was heavily inspired by the songs ‘Is this love’? By whitesnake and the music video ‘Your Body’ by Christina Aguilera. I love true crime so trying to write from a serial killers perspective was actually pretty hard but fun!! This fic was originally ALOT darker but I basically turned it to be really fluffy instead and I added some humor so enjoy :) please let me know if you wanna be on my tag list!!! This fic is also about to be posted on my AO3 if y’all are interested. Okay bye ♥️

Next Chapter

You had a itch but it wasn’t the kind that could be relieved by scratching. It more of a urge, a need, something you had to do..

You needed to kill.

And it had to be soon. This urge, this feeling wasn’t anything new to you. Ever since your last kill which was about a month ago, you could feel the urge building up stronger and stronger until now.. and you couldn’t suppress this urge any longer without literally losing your mind.

However you couldn’t just kill anyone. You needed the perfect victim, someone who was beautiful. Someone who had facial features that looked like they hand carved by god himself. Your victim also couldn’t be a random lowlife nobody. That would never do. That was the thrill of it for you, it had to be a risk - someone who would be missed if they were gone. You knew it was risky but you didn’t care - easy victims were boring. Simple as that.

However, today you had signed yourself up for a jazzercise class to of course work on your figure but more importantly to find your next victim. It’s not like you were gonna find your next target at a grocery store, and you didn’t want to make the mistake of killing a celebrity. Celebrities seemed to infest California like god damn cockroaches, and you knew if you killed one there would be a man hunt for you. That would also be a easy way to get on the FBIs most wanted list.. no thank you.

So that’s why you were here you were for another jazzercise class.

They were perfect for victim hunting, you had spotted many of your precious victims through jazzercise classes. You knew you were a couple minutes late for today’s class but you wouldn’t let that stop you - if anything it was good because it would draw attention to yourself and let your potential victims notice you first.

You quickly paced into the building and it was easy to tell the class had already started. You could hear the music blaring from outside, that grew increasingly louder as you approached the room. You wore your hair down - dancing with your hair down made it about 100x easier to seduce just about anyone you set your eyes on. You also sported a extra tight outfit that showed off all the right parts of your body.. You were going to find your dream victim today. You just knew it.

You carelessly threw your bag you carried with you outside of the dance room before entering, you were already pretty fucking late. You really didn’t have any time to spare to drop it off at the locker room, and plus, you were always here taking various dance classes here so it’s not like the workers didn’t know you. You ripped open the door that lead into the room where your class would be held and quickly threw yourself into the room.

“Sorry”!

You half whispered as you nearly ran past the instructor and found a empty spot in the room. When you turned around you noticed the instructor gave you a quick wink and you couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he was. He had frizzy blond hair, eyes so blue you could nearly drown in them and a beyond perfect body. He looked like a fucking ken doll. You knew it right then, he had to be yours. He was perfect.. too perfect.

You could barely contain yourself from grinning or jumping with joy at being able to locate your next victim so easily but you instead channeled your energy into your dance moves. Even if you couldn’t talk to him quite yet, you might as well impress him with your moves.. right?

It must’ve been working because throughout the entire class Xavier kept his eyes mostly on you, in fact it was a wonder if he looked anywhere else in the room.

~

Even though you were covered in sweat by the time the class was over, and in a desperate need of a shower, you still made sure you were the last one in the room.. And finding ways to stall and not look suspicious was embarrassingly difficult.

You left your bag outside of the room so the only thing you could do was drink your water painfully slow and look busy..

You were so preoccupied with trying to keep the illusion up of looking busy that you didn’t even notice that everyone else besides you had filed out of the room. You also didn’t notice that your hottie instructor was approaching you until you felt a light hand on your shoulder..

You jumped about a foot in the air - effectively spilling all of the water from your water bottle onto you. You let out a sharp screech as well.. and immeaditly felt the embarrassment start to course through your body as if someone injected you with some kind of ‘instant embarrassment iv’ or some shit. You felt the blood start to rush to your cheeks as you could only think of how stupid you probably looked.. your body was starting to sweat again as well, you didn’t even know you had anymore sweat left in you after that class.

‘So much for catching the perfect victim’.

You thought cynically. You could feel the frustration starting to manifest inside you as well, frustration from the lack of killing and the fact that you were now soaking wet. And cold, very fucking cold.

You kind of just stood there as you threw your (plastic) water bottle onto the ground and glared at the man who was in front of you.

“I am so sorry, are you okay”?

He asked. The ruthless and stoic expression you wore seemed to melt away quickly after you heard his words and even looked at his face. His words and concern seemed so genuine, you couldn’t help but feel bad for even glaring at the poor guy about two seconds ago. Even just by looking at him, you could tell he actually felt bad for what had happened. However, no sweet he looked, the frustration and the lust that you still felt to claim another life still lingered within you.

You also couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he was up close. Typically people who looked beautiful from far away showed some flaws when they were looked at up close but you swear this man had absolutely no flaws. His skin was perfect, his hair, his eyes - and his lips looked so deliciously soft. How was this man even real?

You blinked a couple times and licked your lips as you realized that he was still waiting for a reply from you. Duh.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I could use a towel though”.

You giggled as you looked back down at your wet clothes and your wet self with shame.

“Oh yeah, of course! Towels are back here”.

He led you out of the dance studio and across the building, it wasn’t too far of a walk. On the walk over to get towels you two ran into a couple of people he knew, you assumed his close friends or maybe coworkers? It was hard to tell at a first glance. You didn’t stop to talk but just wave.. and you assumed they were his close friends by how they were all looking at you. They all seemed to look you up and down and one even gave you a wink. You assumed that this guy didn’t talk to many women.. and maybe this was why his friends seemed so excited to see you with him? Oh fuck, could he be gay?

Oh fuck.

You knew this whole thing was too good to be true. You would still be able to kill him if he was gay of course, being gay did not give someone a out of jail free card when it came to being murdered but seduction would be out of the equation for sure - and the whole act of seducing your victims before death was your favorite part.

Typically what you did to your victims was lead them on and make them think you were going to have sex with them - and then right before either of you would take your clothes off you would slit their throat with the knife you kept on you. That same knife was even in your bag right now but if this guy was really gay, your previous plan to end this guy would be a no go. You would have to get creative with this one.. or just give up entirely.

You were brought back into reality when you realized he was trying to lead you into a locker room, a men’s locker room to be specific. He stood in the doorway, gesturing for you to come inside but you hesitated. You bit your lip and contamplaited.. a quick look over your shoulder showed you that his friend group was nowhere in sight and either was anyone else really. No one would see you.

You grinned as you quickly turned your attention back to the man in front of you and followed him inside the locker room. You quickly observed that the locker room was completely vacant execpt for you two, thank god.

“So do I get to know your name”?

You said, still keeping a sweet smile on your face.

“Only if I get to know yours”.

He said, also sporting a small smile as he tossed you a cream colored towel that you catched.

“(y/n)”.

You replied.

“Xavier”.

“Makes sense that someone as pretty as you would have a pretty name to match”.

You said with a smirk, and you noticed how Xavier softly laughed and how his cheeks dusted a light pink color. He almost looked like he was embarrassed, it was fucking adorable really. You did a quick double take around the room to make sure you two were truly alone before you made your next move.

“There’s no cameras in here right”?

You asked, your fingers delicately holding the hem of your shirt. Xavier took a couple steps toward you, getting closer.

“No. There’s not babe”.

He said, he seemed to be studying you now - waiting for your next move. Maybe you were just imagining it but you swear you could just see a glint of lust in his eyes. You figured the fastest way to see if he was really gay or not would be to take your shirt off - his reaction would quickly tell you.

You took your other hand and hooked your fingers under your wet shirt and quickly pulled it off in one quick swipe, leaving you exposed in your bra. You dropped your shirt behind you on the floor, the wet noise it made as it hit the floor seemed to echo throughout the bare locker room. You gently put the towel Xavier gave you on the bench that was right next to you, judging by where things were going - you wouldn’t need the towel anymore.

“If I knew you were gonna take me here I wouldn’t have asked you for a towel, you know”.

You said, nearly whispering because he was so close now. You took a step closer to him, your faces only a couple inches a part now. You left your lips parted and you looked into his eyes.. and that was a fucking mistake. All of the common sense you were holding onto left and all thoughts you previously had seemed to thin out and dissolve into nothing.

You could taste his breath now he was so close. All it took was for him to put his hands on your waist and you gave in. You closed the distance that kept you two apart and you kissed him. Hard.

This was breaking one of your major rules that you kept for yourself as a serial killer. You tried to always make your victim make the first move - to kiss you first. This seemed to keep them on their toes and wanting more, and it kept you in control. However, being here with Xavier, all senseable thoughts you once had were long fucking gone. Right now, you didn’t care about anything else execpt for kissing him. Everything else seemed irrelevant, you just wanted to live in this moment forever.

The kiss started off sweet but it continued to grow more heated as you kissed him harder and harder. Your hands wasted no time in finding his shoulders as your nails started to dig into his skin. You impatiently bit his lower lip - wanting more.

You felt Xavier softly break away from you, but he didn’t move away too far from you, his face moved over to whisper in your ear,

“Jump”.

You instantly jumped and you felt him catch your legs, essentially holding you up as he continued to keep kissing you. You felt him take a couple steps and in this moment you didn’t care where he was even going too - you just.. felt different. Maybe it was a new emotion, but you felt peaceful for once in your life. And it felt way too fucking good to let go of. Not to mention you were beyond happy he wasn’t gay like how you suspected.. but it wasn’t your fault that you knew zero straight guys that instructeted jazzercise classes or wore short shorts and actually looked good doing it.

However.. You also felt something else and that was unprepared. It was clear to see where this makeout sesh was really headed too and your knife which was in your bag, was no where near you. In fact you had no fucking clue where it was which meant you couldn’t kill him now, you would have to ask him out.

You felt Xavier gently put you down on the ground, you could feel the rough surface of lockers poking up against your back. You were on the verge of mentioning how uncomfterable you were when you heard a deafening loud creak echo throughout the locker room. Someone was opening the fucking locker room door. Fuck!

You felt a jolt of anxiety run through you like electricity as you two instantly seperated, and tried to look as innocent as possible. You wiped your mouth and you and Xavier both stood up before you actually bothered to look who came into the locker room in the first place.

“Hey love birds”!

You heard a chirp, female

Voice. You couldn’t help but laugh- was it common for girls to just waltz in the men’s locker room? When she walked forward and came into view, You easily recognized her as one of the people from Xaviers friend group that was waving at you two ealier... In fact, she was the one who winked at you ealier as well.

“Nice to see you too ‘Tana”.

Xavier grumbled back, after he swiftly rolled his eyes. You assumed ‘Tana was short for Montana and she certainly looked like a interesting character.. espically if she frequently went into men’s restrooms. Her hair was a white bleached blonde - so bleached that her hair looked entirely stripped and dryer than the god damn Sahara desert. She had heavy blue eyeshadow on her eyelids and you couldn’t help but admire that she atleast tried to put a effort in her appearance.

Montana stood right next to Xavier and it was obvious to tell by the looks they exchanged that she wanted to talk to him - alone. She awkwardly shifted glances between you and Xavier and you bit your tongue, the realization hitting you like a freight train - what if this was his fucking girlfriend? Normally with victims you didn’t have to jump through so many hoops but Xavier was different. Something about him was very different from the rest of your victims but you were still trying to put your finger on exactly why. You cleared your throat and figured before you left like they wanted you too, you should atleast introduce yourself.

“Hi, I’m (y/n)”.

You said, sporting a smile as you took a step forward toward Montana to shake her hand. She took it and shook it a bit too roughly and spotted a grin that would even make the Cheshire Cat jealous.

“I’m Montana! It’s nice to finally know the name of one Xavier’s girlfriends”.

She said with a excited look on her face. You quickly opened your mouth to speak - this girl was pretty straight forward wasn’t she? Atleast you knew she wasn’t dating Xavier.

“Oh - im not his girlfriend, we actually just met but you know.. I wouldn’t mind changing that”.

You said, adding a playful wink and biting your lip while staring instensily at Xavier. You knew you were being incredibly straight forward as well but at this point you didnt care, you just wanted to see him again.

Xavier finally stopped looking at Montana and met your gaze as he took a couple steps toward you.

“Me too, babe. My place tonight at six? I’ll pick you up”.

Xavier said and you quickly gave him your address and awkwardly left the locker room with Montana’s stare burning holes through your back. Maybe she was just jealous?

It didn’t matter, after tonight Xavier wouldn’t exsist anyway so who even cared what this supposed friend of his thought of you... but. Something weird was happening to you. The thought of actually killing again made you happy - yes. Just the act of taking another’s life and seeing them suffer but having it be Xavier? You barely knew the guy but it almost made you sad to not be able to see him again after tonight. He really did seem like a sweet guy with good intentions but that never seemed to stop you before.

You went back to the lobby and quickly picked up your bag that you had left there (albeit carelessly) and you figured tonight you would bring your knife just in case. You had a feeling that you wouldn’t be able to kill him tonight - the vibe felt off. Plus, since when had you been on a actual date that didn’t involve murder at the end?? The answer was never. You deserved to have a nice date, with a pretty person. Murder could wait until tommorow.

~

Montana and Xavier both stared at

you as you passed them, and watched as you left the locker room. However, they both held their breath until the locker room door completely shut close. Montana snapped her head forward once the door shut and decided to be the one who first spoke.

“Xavier, that person is not to be trusted”.

Montana took a couple steps toward him as she spoke. Xavier immeaditly furrowed his eyebrows in a look of confusion, he could feel himself automatically getting defensive. He loved Montana (as a friend of course) but he swore Montana took that love in a different way.. And this made it obvious. He just met you, why was Montana already investigating into you and making wild accusations? This made no sense unless perhaps Montana had feelings again for Xavier.

However Xavier merely crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head.

“That’s funny coming from you”.

However, Montana didn’t laugh or even smile. She continued to look completely serious, as she spoke.

“I’m not kidding. I don’t care if shes pretty or a good kisser or whatever the hell. You need to promise me you won’t see them tonight like you said”.

Her voice first started out as harsh and then grew soft and almost vulnerable.

Xavier shifted in place and nervously licked his lips.

“Montana what the hell. I’m not just gonna blindly follow what you say”.

Xavier said, his words spitting venom as he spoke. At this point he really didn’t care if he was coming out as harsh - Montana had a boyfriend.. why couldn’t she just leave Xavier alone with this new girl he just met?

Montana stepped closer to Xavier and put both of her hands of his shoulders and looked him dead in the eye as she spoke.

“You need to listen to me Xavier or your going to get yourself killed”.

Montana’s cherry red lips turned into a snarl.

“I saw their bag in the lobby and there was a knife in it. It was a fucking big knife Xav, no one just carries a knife like that”.

Montana added but Xavier was still in denial. Xavier looked at the ground as he slightly paced back and forth in place.

“How big of a knife”?

Xavier asked quietly.

“Its a fucking butchers knife. I wouldn’t be worried if it was a pocket knife, Xavier”!

Montana replied and Xavier kind of froze. He didn’t know how to react, he knew all of the men that had gone missing as of lately. And he also knew that they were all around the same age and had the same appearance that he had. Could he really be the next victim? He felt tears start to prick at his eyes, there was no way. This girl he had met ealier was so sweet, just because she had a knife didn’t mean she was a fucking killer.. right?

All that Xavier could think to do in response to this was to look up at Montana sadly.

“Why were you going through their bag in the first place”?

Xavier asked, his voice coming out as jagged and rough with emotion. However, Montana still continued to act stoic as she nearly yelled at him.

“You nearly hooked up with a fucking serial killer and your concerned about my priorities? Dude, you need to promise me you won’t see them again”.

Xavier stared at Montana blankly. It was obvious what this was about, he knew Montana really found no knife and he also knew Montana made up this whole story because she was jealous. That was it. Montana just didn’t wanna see Xavier with anyone else, that was the bottom line.. Xavier rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, Montana. I have another class to get too”.

He could hear Montana protesting and yelling his name as he walked past her but he didn’t care anymore. He was determined - he was going to meet you tonight at six, whether it killed him or not.

He had to admit to himself though, even though he was excited to see you again a part of him dreaded it. He knew there was a small chance that Montana could be right - and what if she was?

Even though Xavier knew he was in pretty good shape he knew his muscles magically became useless when it came to self defense. He was shit at self defense honestly. He was good at archery but he didn’t own a fucking bow and arrow.

He made a mental note to pick up a pocket knife before coming to pick you up. If you really were a fucking killer a pocket knife wasn’t going to stop you but it was sure better than nothing.

~

Six O’ Clock came and went and Xavier picked you up in the glamourus Vanta-C. Being in a van that smelled heavily of weed and nothing else wasn’t too exciting but somehow Xavier made it fun, like how he did with everything it seemed like.

He had a sort of magic about him, the type of magic that made you actually start to feel things for once - feel different emotions that you had never felt before. Like would you even dare say it, love? Well, maybe love was a bit of a exaggeration - you just met the guy after all - but, you had no idea honestly.. you had nothing else to base this off of, you’ve never really had a crush or romantic interest on anyone before ever. The interest you’ve had in your other previous victims was always based off of looks - it was the thrill of the chase that appealed to you more than anything. However, you couldn’t say that about Xavier. After meeting him ealier - you were dying to get to know him better so that you could probably fall in love with him, if you were even capable of doing that.

Maybe it was foolish to assume that Xavier would be taking you back to his apartment, or house, or wherever the hell he lived but he didn’t. You two stayed in the Vanta-C which he drove and parked it in a park that was a couple blocks or so away from where you resided.

It took you two a while to decide on a decent place to park the car and go to - at first it was a matter of where to go. Whether to go and get food, or head over to someone’s place or just stay in the Vanta and obviously the last option won.

You had to admit the scene you two were in was starting to get rather romantic - not that you experienced this type of feeling before but rather You based this feeling off of movies and other various entertainment you’ve watched; this is what romance seemed like to you.

The sun was just starting to set; painting the sky a various different tones of purples, blues and pinks as the sun started to dip further and further into the tree line. You and Xavier both ditched the front and the passenger seat and both camped out in the very back of the van - where the seat was really more of a glorified couch than a actual seat.

The windows were all shut and so were the doors, essentially so that you two could hotbox. You never thought that a pretty boy like Xav would smoke weed, but you also thought he was gay at first so - you found it best not to assume anything about him anymore.

There was plenty of room left on the back seat but you and Xavier chose to sit incredibly close to eachother. You sat side by side and your shoulder and arms touched but you didn’t mind of course. The closer the better.

Your bag was pooled near your feet, near the door which was away from Xavier. Sure enough, the knife was inside but it was hidden under a couple of other objects that you kept in your bag. The longer you spent with him, the more you were regretting bringing the knife in the first place.. because it was making you fucking neurotic. When he first picked you up, all you could think about and focus on was that god damn knife and how it would end up slitting Xavier’s throat by the end of the night. However, you seemed to be more relaxed the longer you were around him. It was hard to tell whether it was just the vibes he gave off or the weed that relaxed you so much; maybe both.

By now, the thoughts of killing and that stupid knife had become lost and put somewhere far off in your brain - somewhere you couldn’t access when you were high. You barely even noticed you were Intensely staring down your bag until you felt a soft hand gently rub down your arm.

“Hey babe, are you okay”?

You looked back up at Xavier to only see him wearing a puzzled expression of his face - which looked adorable with his blue puppy dog eyes. You also noticed in his other hand (that wasn’t still on your arm) was the blunt you two were smoking - oops.

“Yeah, I’m okay”.

You replied, your voice small and rather quiet. You took the blunt from Xavier and took a deep hit, and sat with the smoke in your lungs for a couple seconds. It wasn’t until you felt the smoke burning and eating away at your lungs and throat was when you exhaled. You exhaled slowly, dreamily watching the smoke cloud up the Vanta-C even more so than it already was.

Before you even knew it, or consciously decided to - you heard yourself talking.

“Actually, no. I’m not okay.. I have something to tell you”.

You swallowed and took one last quick hit before handing the blunt back to your new lover and looking him in the eyes. You saw something in his eyes that was new to you - was it fear? Why he was he scared?? It was only a glimmer of fear that you caught in his eyes but still - it defintly threw you off guard. You just saw his lips part like he was about to say something when you quickly spoke first.

“Xavier, I’m crazy about you”.

You blurted out, with a embarrassing giggle. You blamed being incredibly straight forward on the weed, of course you would never be like this if you were sober. Never.

Your lips closed into a closed mouth smile, you had more to say but you figured to wait for some kind of reaction from Xavier first. The glimmer of fear you saw in his eye ealier seemed to morph into confusion, disbelief, and then happiness. Pure happiness.

“What”?

He laughed.

“You heard me! I know I just met you, but Xav’ I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.. and I mean it”.

Xavier gently placed his hands on your face - on both of your cheeks - before deeply kissing you. You placed your hands on his chest which effectively made him start to lay down while you gently maneuvered your way on top of him so that you two would be laying down on the long back seat of his van.

You moved your leg up to straddle him when you felt your foot snag on something. At first you merely tried to pull it away free but to no avail. Xavier broke away from you since he could feel you moving your leg vigorously and you managed to get your leg free with one big final yank of your leg.

You snapped your head to see what the fuck dared make this gorgeous man stop kissing you when your heart stopped - it was your bag. You must’ve hooked your foot around your bag and when you freed your foot you managed to topple the bag and spill out all of the contents... which meant your butchers knife was on full fucking display for Xavier to see.

FUCK.

You felt your breath stop as the world seemed to come to a stand still. You felt frozen, bewildered and caught off guard but you definetly didn’t feel scared. You moved your leg over awkwardly to straddle him but the vibe had defintly changed. The romantic vibes that seemed in the air ealier had been swept clean and nearly were completly gone. You decided to try and save your ass and be the first to speak.

“Xavier I-“

“Get off of me”.

He spoke softly and his voice was lowered. You took a deep breath as you awkwardly climbed off of him and you two sat in the position that you two were in ealier - side by side execpt you two were farther apart this time.

You tried again to explain yourself but Xavier spoke first.

“What the hell is this? W-why did you bring that knife”?

You noted how his eyes started to have tears building up in them. You absentmindedly moved the knife back into your bag with your foot and noticed how badly Xavier flinched away from you when you did so. Your turned your focus back to Xavier.

“Look, I know it looks bad but I just keep it on me for self defense. You know, with the night stalker and all”?

You said, with a slight giggle. Instantly, the tension that built up was broken and it was almost like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He laughed and he scooted up the seat to get closer to you - stepping on all of items from your bag that were still on the ground but you didn’t really care. You were just happy you were able to pull off that lie and convince him you were someone else you really weren’t.

A thought crossed the back of your mind of how easy it would really be to just reach down and grab the knife and easily slit his throat. It would be almost too easy, but no.

As Xavier pulled you into his arms and you layed down into the rough fabric of the back seat, you felt safe (which was incredibly ironic). You felt at home, and in love.

As you turned your head to continue where you two had left off at the locker room, you couldn’t help but hazily day dream about tommorow.

Just because Xavier’s life was spared didn’t mean your thirst or your itch to take another’s life was gone.. it just meant it would have to wait until tommorow.

Taglist: @guiltyfiend

Peace Like A River Part 8

A Gwilym Lee x Reader Story

Summary: Reader is a stand up comic with a pretty dark past. She has a three new lights in her life: her daughter, Violet; her anonymous correspondent, Dear Friend; and Gwilym Lee.

Word Count: 3.7K

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @simmisblog, @assembledherethevolunteers, @lookuptotheskiesandsee, @readinghorn, @riddikuluslypotter, @doingalrightt, @misslolasworld, @lemurian-starship, @ravenedges-lies, @painkiller80, @imgonnabeyourslave, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @ixchel-9275, @sincerelygmg, @lv-7867, @unicorn-princess-1999, @delilahmay39, @chlobo6, @dragon-out-of-water, @radio-hoo-ha If you want to be added, let me know!

A/N: oof y’all this is a big one

Part I  Part II  Part III  Part IV  Part V  Part VI  Part VII

Part 8 here we go!!!

“I want to meet my daughter.”

“No,” you said instinctively. 

“Don’t be so quick to decide,” Henry said. “After all-”

“No,” you repeated, firmer this time.

He sighed, but you detected sarcasm behind it. “Alright then. Guess I’ll just have one with Stacy.”

“Stacy doesn’t want kids,” you said.

“Ha!” he shot back. “You said the same thing, I still put one in you.” 

You bit your lip and squeezed Gwilym’s hand. He looked at the phone as if it were gum he’d scraped off his shoes.

“That’s not fair,” you said. 

“The world ain’t fair, Y/N,” he said with so much condescension you thought your head might explode. “But the way I see it, you’ve got two choices: bring the girl to meet me and you can be right there with her or I stay with Stacy and you’ll just have to imagine - or perhaps remember - what will happen to her.”

A tear rolled down your cheek. 

“You are such an asshole,” you said shakily. “Why do you even want to meet her? You signed away -”

“I didn’t do that by choice and you know it,” he cut across you. “It was part of our deal. Well, I’m striking a new deal.”

You clapped your hand over your mouth to muffle the sob threatening to escape. You looked at Gwilym and his heart nearly broke at your helplessness. He pressed his lips to the back of your hand. 

“When would we even be able to do this?” you returned. “I’m on tour right now.”

Gwilym shot you a horrified look that you were actually considering this.

“I know your last show is back in New York,” he said. “That’s when I want to meet her.”

“I need to think about this,” you said. 

“You’ve got twenty-four hours,” he said. “Or I’m asking Stacy to marry me.”

“Are fucking kidding me?!” you cried. “You’d stoop that low just to spite me?!”

“You’re damn right I would!” he yelled back. “You think you’re so high and mighty now that you’re famous, but don’t you ever forget who you really are - just another bitc-”

You hung up on him once again. You looked over at Gwilym as your mouth began to tremble with the emotions flooding to the surface.

“What am I going to do?” you whimpered. 

“Say no,” he said. “You can’t let him use Stacy against you.”

“Don’t you see?” you said. “He’s made whatever happens to Stacy my fault. Because I could have done something. He’s put this on me!”

“What he does to Stacy is his fault - his choice,” he argued. “It’s nobody else’s.”

“I can’t let him do what he did to me to someone else,” you said. “I can’t.”

“You can’t protect everyone, Y/N,” he reminded you.

“You’re right,” you said quietly as more tears spilled out. “Turns out, I can’t even protect my own daughter.”

“Yes, you can,” he protested. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do,” you returned. 

“Y/N…”

“I know,” you said. “But it’s just one time and then we never have to see him again.”

Gwilym scooted closer to you and took your face in his hands.

“Y/N, please,” he said. “Please don’t do this.”

“He’s given me no other choice,” you said, pulling away from him. “And I’ll be right there with her. I’ll meet him in public, so he can’t start anything, and -”

“Hold on, are you saying you’re going alone?” he wondered.

“Well, yeah,” you said, blinking at him.

“Oh, no you’re not,” he said. “When’s your last day of tour?”

You told him.

“I’ll be in New York with the boys then,” he said. “I’m going with you.”

“No!” you cried, eyes going wide and grabbing his hands again. “No, I don’t want him to hurt you!”

He smiled at you. “He won’t, love. And I’ll think he’ll be even less inclined to try something with you if you have a man with you.”

You considered this. You really hated to bring anyone around Henry, much less the two most precious people in your life. Fear clawed at your heart. Henry almost always carried his gun and a knife on him. If anything happened, you could lose everything.

“I’ll negotiate some terms for this meeting,” you said. “Are you sure about this?”

“I cannot let you go alone,” he assured you. “I will not.”

“Thank you,” you whispered.

You leaned towards him and rested your forehead against his. You held your face between his hands, wiping some fresh tears away with his thumb. You wondered how things had gotten so heavy. It was not quite so much of a burden with Gwilym to help.

A gasp left your mouth when you opened your eyes and saw the time on his watch. 

“Gwilym, you’ve got to go,” you said. “Your interview.”

He glanced at the time and saw it too. “Damn. I’ll come straight back, after.”

“Don’t worry about that, I have a show tonight,” you said. “Spend some time with the guys. I can handle this.”

“Alright, love,” he agreed, kissing your forehead. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” you returned.

He finally parted from you, leaving your skin itching for his return. He said a quick goodbye to Violet as well and then was gone. When the door closed behind him, you reached into the desk drawer to read his latest letter.

It was much the same as the others. A brief update on his emotional well-being, something about another book he’d read. He also mentioned you and something you’d said that stuck with him. He told Dear Friend how much she would like you. You chuckled to yourself. When you reached the end of the letter, it hit you. This was the first one since the first admission of love that he had not written “I love you.” Your brow furrowed. Had his feelings actually changed? 

You began to write a response, but you were having a difficult time. So much was on your mind now. Henry, Stacy, Gwilym, Violet. The huge web all of you were caught up in. For the first time, you didn’t feel like writing. With a sigh, you abandoned the letter for now and checked your emails. Your manager told you that he’d paid Stacy her final paycheck and they were looking for a new assistant, but since you only had two weeks left of tour, they would probably start when you returned to LA. It was a bit of a nuisance to be on your own, but you could manage.

That night, you let everything go as you got on the stage. It was a welcome relief to disappear behind your jokes once more and engage with a crowd for a while. You didn’t have to think much about Henry or Gwilym or anyone. It was just you and your audience. You could just have fun and laugh. It was nice.

After the show, you called Henry back. You were nervous but he picked up quickly and you told him you would meet him when you were back in New York.

“Some ground rules,” you said.

“I’m listening,” he replied.

“No weapons,” you told him. “Not your gun, not your knife, nothing that could hurt me or Violet.”

“So her name is Violet?” he asked.

“You didn’t know?”

“You never told me a goddamn thing about her, how was I supposed to know?”

“Whatever, do I have your word that you won’t bring any of your usual shit?” you pressed. 

“Fine,” he agreed. “Anything else?”

“This is a one time meeting,” you said firmly. “I am under no obligation to foster a relationship between you and her. If she wants to meet you again she may do so when she is eighteen.”

He sighed. “I’m her father.”

“Speaking of which, you aren’t allowed to tell her who you are,” you snapped. “She doesn’t have a father.”

“Are you serious?!”

“As a heart attack,” you said. “These are my terms.”

“Okay,” he said, but he sounded hesitant. “I won’t tell her.”

“And you will not trick me into this again,” you said. “Your next attempt to contact me will be ignored. My management team will know your name and will screen anything from you or anyone associated with you, including the whole fucking NYPD. Do you understand?”

“You’re getting ridiculous,” he said.

“Do you understand?”

“I understand,” he said irritably. “Fine.”

“Good,” you said. “I’ll text you when and where we can meet close to the date.”

“Whatever,” he said, and hung up.

You heaved a sigh. “This is gonna be a long two weeks.”

You could not have been more wrong. The next two weeks flew by. Normally, you were pretty pumped about the end of a tour, but you were dreading this one. The meeting with Henry loomed ahead like a cave with a wide mouth, but complete darkness inside. 

What made it worse was that you wouldn’t see Gwilym until New York either. You did eventually write back to his letter, but it felt shallow and empty. Completely devoid of any real meaning. But you wanted to send it as quickly as possible. Perhaps the reason he’d stopped saying “I love you” was because he felt the distance, even in the letters. Or perhaps he’d put the distance there himself as he got closer to you outside of them.

It was just after Thanksgiving and you were back in New York. The air was chilly with the threat of winter, but everything looked warm and festive. It was a relief that this would be over soon and you could move on with your holidays, just you and Violet. The draw back was that Gwilym was going back home, and you’d be further from him than you had been since before you reconnected. It broke your heart to think of it.

Gwilym arrived to pick you and Violet up from your room. You were staying in the same hotel this time, but you could hardly be excited about it. Your stomach twisted up in knots as the hour grew closer to confronting your ex-husband. You subconsciously grabbed the scar on your side from your last encounter with him. It felt like that wound was opening again.

“You alright?” Gwilym asked.

“No, honestly,” you replied. “I hate this.”

“I know, love,” he said, pressing a kiss you the top of your head. “It won’t be long. You can do it.”

“Don’t let go of me,” you said, like a little girl asking her dad not to let go of her bike when she’s learning to ride. Only, a lot worse than scrapes and bruises were at risk.

“Mommy, why are we meeting this man?” Violet asked. 

“I used to know him,” you explained. “And it’s important that I talk to him.”

“But you don’t like him?” she wondered.

You shook your head. “No, I don’t.”

“I don’t wanna go,” she whined. “I don’t wanna!”

You wished it was that simple. That you could stamp your foot and say no and get your way. But you couldn’t. Not with his threat against someone you knew. You regretted not talking to Stacy more, but you weren’t sure you could have convinced her to leave him. But if you only opened up to people, then they would know. Guilt washed over you. Had you doomed her by keeping your guard up? You couldn’t think about that now.

“I’m sorry, baby,” you said to her. “But we only have to go once.”

You walked to the park where you were meeting Henry. The beauty of the city in this season was lost on you as your nerves made every shaky step harder and harder to take. If Gwilym and Violet were not holding your hands you were sure you would have collapsed already. 

You came around the corner to the park and you spotted him. He was not very tall, but he was bulky. He’d gained some weight since you last saw him, but you were sure he had not lost any of his old strength. He stood up from the bench he was on when he saw you coming. Every cell on your body was screaming at you to run. To get as far away from him as possible. You stopped walking to take a breath.

“Nearly there, Y/N,” Gwilym said gently. 

You nodded, inhaling deeply again and started forward. Henry was only feet away from you now. The places on your body where he’d done the most damage were lighting up with the memory of his strikes. Your left eye throbbed. The burn on your collarbone grew hot. The cut on your side stung.

“Y/N,” Henry said. 

“Henry,” you returned with a stiff nod.

Violet stood in front of you, but she backed up into your legs, looking warily up at Henry. He looked at Gwilym.

“Who’s this?” he wondered.

“Gwilym Lee,” Gwilym answered.

“What are you, her boyfriend?” Henry asked.

“That’s not your business,” you interjected. “You’re here to talk to Violet.”

“Right,” he said, clearing his throat. He went to kneel down to greet her but you stopped him.

“Hold it,” you said. “Show me your waistband.”

“Come on, I left my gun in the car,” he told you. “My knife too.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” you said. “Show me.”

He groaned, rolled his eyes, and then lifted his sweater and undershirt. You found no holster or knife clip. 

“Go ahead,” you said.

He knelt in front of her. “Hi, Violet. My name’s Henry.” He held his hand out to her. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and then looked up at you. “The bad man?”

Before you could answer, Henry sprang to his full height. You flinched.

“The bad man?” he repeated, practically spitting at you.

Gwilym wrapped his arm protectively around your shoulders, but you didn’t relax. Violet whimpered beside you and wrapped her arms around your leg. 

“That slipped out,” you said. The familiar need to protect Henry’s feelings and appease him arose in you. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you oughta be,” he said. “You’re already setting her up not to like me.”

“Why should she?” you blurted out.

“Hey, watch it with the fuckin’ attitude,” he warned, stepping toward you.

“Is that a threat?” Gwilym challenged, moving to stand between you and Henry.

“Mommy,” Violet said, tugging on your jacket and cutting the quickly growing tension. “I gotta go potty.”

“Okay, sweetie,” you said, taking her hand. “Let’s go find the restroom.”

“There’s a building just down the path,” Henry said, his shoulders relaxing. 

“Okay,” you returned. “We’ll be right back.”

Gwilym watched you disappear with Violet into the building Henry referred to. He felt tense now standing beside your ex-husband, who had caused you so much pain. He didn’t even know half of it, he was sure. Anger was boiling up inside of him, but he wanted to keep a cool head for your sake. You were anxious enough already.

“So, how do you know Y/N?” Henry asked. 

Gwilym blinked at him.

“We used to work together,” he answered shortly.

“So you’re just friends?”

“Sure.”

“And Violet, she likes you?”

“I would think so considering how often she hugs me.”

Henry sighed and toed the ground with his boot, stirring up some dust. “Ah, fuck.”

“What?” wondered Gwilym.

“It’s just shitty how it all worked out,” he said. “I hate this.”

Gwilym was shocked. Had Henry changed?

“If she hadn’t left, we could have been happy,” Henry said.

Gwilym couldn’t hold back any more. “Are you joking? If you hadn’t treated her like a punching bag, maybe she wouldn’t have left!”

“Hey, what the hell do you know?” Henry shot back. 

“Did it make you feel better?” Gwilym cried. “Burning her, slapping her around? Did it make you feel like a man? To force yourself on someone smaller than you and helpless?”

“She earned everything she got!” Henry shouted. “A good woman doesn’t talk shit to her husband!”

“Tell me, what exactly were you doing to be a husband worthy of her respect?”

Henry flared up and glowered at Gwilym. His hands balled into fists, which did not go unnoticed by the latter. 

“Going to hit me?” Gwilym challenged. “Or do you exclusively beat on people who can’t fight back?” 

“Hey, FUCK YOU!” Henry bellowed.

Gwilym laughed in his face. “Raise your voice all you want, Henry. You’re a tiny, pathetic little man, and you don’t scare me.” 

Henry swung at Gwilym who only leaned back to avoid the impact. But the former had put all his weight behind the punch, so missing threw him off balance, and he stumbled. Gwilym took this opportunity to shove Henry several feet back. He caught himself and re-centered, preparing to lunge at Gwilym again. 

You were drying Violet’s hands when you heard Henry curse loudly, and assumed it was directed at Gwilym. A nervous twinge went through you and you gulped. You wondered what had been said and if it was still escalating. 

“Come on, sweetie,” you said, taking Violet’s hand. “Hurry.”

You walked quickly outside, and you saw Henry throw a punch but miss. Then you saw him prepare to strike a second time. You took off running, hurtling toward Gwilym. Violet gave a surprised cry and followed close behind, sprinting beside you at a rate that was impressive, though you couldn’t even process it. You had missile lock on Gwilym as Henry raised his hand. 

“Don’t you TOUCH HIM!” you screamed, casting yourself between the men.

You faced Henry, arms spread in front of Gwilym. You glared fiercely at your ex-husband, surprised at his newfound hesitation. Violet caught up and hid herself behind Gwilym. Your chest heaved as you caught your breath.

Gwilym blinked, shocked at your sudden appearance and your ferocious defense of him. Your need to protect others from Henry’s cruelty became even clearer to him now. Even though you were smaller, weaker, and more afraid, you stood there in front of him, shielding him and your daughter. His admiration for you grew about tenfold. As did his love. 

You waited for Henry to strike. You could not allow him to get to Gwilym and Violet. Your whole heart stood behind you, and you would shield it with your life if you had to. Henry stepped closer, and you brought your hands forward and rammed both fists into his chest. He was so thrown off by it, he fell onto his back. 

“This was a mistake,” you said to Gwilym, but without facing him. You knew better than to turn your back on Henry. “Let’s go.”

Henry rolled onto his side and then scrambled to his feet. 

“Hold on, I’m not finished,” he said. 

“I am,” you retorted. “Deal’s off. Fuck you.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but Violet again interrupted. 

“Daddy, hold me!” she whined. 

You and Henry both whipped around - you terrified, and he hopeful. But then you saw it. She was reaching up for Gwilym, ignoring Henry entirely. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and she was shaking. Your heart ached for her. You knew she must so scared and confused. Gwilym stooped down and lifted her into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder and let out a sob. 

“It’s alright, love,” he said, rubbing her back. “I’ve got you.”

You turned to Henry. “We’re leaving. Contact me again, and I’ll file harassment charges.”

“This is bullshit,” he said. 

“Get bent,” you returned. 

Gwilym approached. He had Violet on his hip, so he wrapped his free arm around your waist. You turned, feeling more secure now, and the three of you walked way. 

“Y/N!” Henry called. 

You ignored him. 

“Y/N!”

You flipped him off as you walked.

As you headed back to the hotel, Violet relaxed. She was not asking questions, just holding Gwilym around his neck and relying on him for comfort. You took her hand. 

“I love you,” you told her. “I’ll never put you through that again. I’m sorry, Violet.”

“I love you too, Mommy,” she returned. “I’m okay. You’re okay. That’s what matters.”

You smiled at her. Then she closed her eyes and rested on Gwilym. He looked over at you and smirked. 

“You were really amazing back there,” he told you. “I’m so, so proud of you.”

Your heart swelled at his praise. “Thanks!”

When you got back to the hotel, Joe, Ben, and Rami were all there in the lobby, clearly fretting over Gwilym’s return. When they saw him in one piece, they all sighed with relief. 

“How’d it go?” Joe wondered. 

“Fine,” Gwilym assured him. “Y/N set him straight.”

“Good for you,” Rami said, clapping you on the shoulder as you grinned. 

“Hey, would you guys mind taking Violet for a little while?” Gwilym asked.

You shot him a quizzical look. 

“I just want to talk to you,” he said. “Privately. Is that alright?”

“Yeah,” you said with a shrug. “Do you guys mind?”

“Not at all,” Ben answered. 

“What d’you say, Vi?” Gwilym asked her. “Wanna spend some time with your uncles?”

She looked at the three of them, a slow smile spreading across her lips. Joe made a goofy face and did a raspberry at her and she giggled. 

“Yeah!” she agreed. 

“Good girl!” Gwilym said, handing her off to Joe. 

You waved to her as Gwilym led you to the elevator. 

“Wait, are we going to your room?” you wondered. 

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s important.”

Confusion and a jolt of worry went through you. You feared - irrationally - that he was going to tell you this was all too much for him and end your friendship. It had to be about what happened with Henry. Was he going to scold you for trying to protect him? You really had no idea what else it could be. 

When you made it to his room, utterly lost at the purpose of all this, he quickly opened the door and almost pushed you inside. Where had this sudden intensity come from?

The door clicked shut and you looked at him, distressed. 

“Gwil, what’s going -”

He cut you off with a kiss. His lips were hot, needy, and desperate against yours. His mouth swallowed your yelp of surprise. You could fight it no longer. You closed your eyes and kissed him back, wrapping your arms around his neck as you melted into him.

soft; jerome x reader

ive never written anything this fluffy in my god damn life... hopefully its not a complete flop? idk

You hadn’t committed a crime.

Regardless of whatever conclusion the jury had come to, you would always maintain that you hadn’t committed a crime. Because, what crime is there in justice?

One of the men who had tried to assault you had just been a little too lazy with his knife, and in a moment of instinctual self-defence, you had pushed it back in on himself.

Unfortunately for you, the other man—the one who hadn’t been stabbed—had managed to pay off the jury to convict you of first degree murder, and the only way you would avoid going to straight-up prison would be taking the insanity plea.

You fought it—oh, how you fought it, tooth-and-nail— but in the end, you and your family didn’t have the resources, and the corrupt rich of Gotham once again won the day. The playout of your hearing had caused outrage throughout the city, and no one believed that you deserved to go to an asylum, but the public backlash surrounding your conviction still was not enough to get the decision overturned.

Some of the staff at Arkham were sympathetic to your case and did all they could to treat you like the normal girl you were, not like one of the truly mentally-ill patients who were there for good reason. Of course, not every staff member was this accommodating— Dr. Strange had been wanting to use you as an guinea pig for a while now. The only thing keeping him from doing so was your family’s constant visits and the fact that he couldn’t be sure that the nurses and guards who knew you and your story wouldn’t rebel against him.

About a month into your incarceration— one down, two to go— there was a change in atmosphere. An unusual burst of activity came about one morning; while you were in your cell, brushing your teeth and washing your face, a handful of guards all stormed past, seemingly guiding someone along with them. You peeked out of the small window on your door, but couldn’t see much aside from the guards and a quick flash of a tuft of bright red hair.

-

To ensure that your safety was never compromised and that all of the staff knew you were no real threat, it had been decided within the Asylum that you were not to wear the same black-and-white striped garments as all of the other inmates. Instead, you had been given a handful of simple, white cotton slips, and you had been allowed to bring some of your own sweaters, shoes, and socks from home. You had been allowed your own pajamas from home, so you decided to bring two pairs of basketball shots, two t-shirts, and a big sweatshirt to sleep in. In addition, yo also brought a handful of your favorite scrunchies and hair clips, and a notebook and pen to keep track of your thoughts and write letters while you were away. To say you stood out like a sore thumb would be an understatement; you didn’t look exactly like an inmate, you certainly didn’t look like staff, and you didn’t look like a normal teenage girl either. You just looked different, and you were okay with that. You were content just keeping to yourself, minding your own business, writing and reading when you had the opportunity, and getting the hell out of this asylum.

Until recently. A new inmate had recently been admitted; around your age, tall, vivid red hair, an unnerving laugh, and arrested on a count of matricide. When they brought him in, he was strapped up in a straight jacket and being wheeled around. He caught sight of you in the rec room and winked, and you, being caught in a trance-like daze, had simply lifted your hand and waved with a straight face. It didn’t help that he was an objectively attractive guy; if you had seen him anywhere outside of an asylum, you probably would’ve heart-eyed him with your friends. But you were in an asylum, the both of you, so you decided to maintain your earlier resolve of keeping to yourself and not interacting with anyone else.

-

The next day, you saw him come into the rec room. You were sitting in an old, worn-out bean bag reading one of the old hand-me-down books from a shelf in the corner. It was Madame Bovary, a title you’d heard repeated many times but never really looked into until now. You were halfway through and so engrossed with the tragic story that you didn’t notice a presence seat itself beside you until you heard a voice speaking.

“Hi gorgeous, I’m Jerome.” It was the redhead from yesterday, grinning at you.

“Hi. That’s not my name,” you responded, pulling your eyes away from him and back to your book.

“Well then, by all means, spill! What can I call you?” His voice was deep but had a childlike lilt, like everything he said was purposefully over-theatrical. He placed his chin on his fist, staring intently at you.

“My name is (Y/N). I don’t really wanna talk to anyone right now, so can you just leave me alone?”

“Jeez, just trying to be polite… Y’know, a girl could really use some friends in a place like this.”

“No, not really. I’m fine how I am. Thanks, though.”

He paused and looked at you quizzically as though he had just noticed something that he hadn’t before. “Hey, how come you don’t wear stripes like the rest of us, huh?”

“Because I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not supposed to be in here.”

“Ugh, believe me, babe, I tried that line too. Didn’t work. C’mon, what’d you do to get in here? Now I’m curious,” he prodded.

You were silent for a moment. Some people had no problem admitting that they had done something like that; in fact, some reveled in it. But you were not the kind of girl who could just openly declare that I killed a man. “...It was self defense.”

“Oh yeah,” he lightly scoffed, “Then how’d you end up here, and not scot-free out there?”

“This is Gotham,” you shot back, “There’s no justice in this city. If a rich man wants a girl locked up, she gets locked up. End of story.”

“Ain’t that the truth, sister.” He let out a sigh and leaned back, stretching his arms behind his head. “Tell me something, though,” he started, staring at you. “Are you being serious?”

“You tell me… I’m already in an asylum. If I was really guilty, I would’ve admitted it by now, right?”

“Huh.” He shook his head, looking away from you. “Huh. You got me there. Well… that sucks for you, doesn’t it?”

“You’re telling me; I’m the one wrongly incarcerated.”

“Hey! That’s perfect! So you really do need a friend in this place, otherwise all the rest of these crazies are gonna eat you up…” he got closer to you before continuing. “Y’know, it’s really not safe for you here if you’re the only sane person. I think we should be friends.”

“If it gets you off my case, then sure, I guess.” A grin lit up his face and he leaned back out of your personal space; he did not, however, show any signs of leaving you alone anytime soon. “Will you leave me alone now, please?” you asked.

“What kind of a friend would I be, leaving you alone out here to fend for yourself? Nah, see, these other guys in here, they’ll do bad things to a pretty girl if she’s all alone. I’m just looking out for you.”

You considered his words for a moment. Although no one had truly tried to harm you yet, you hadn’t been here long. And some of the creepier inmates had been staring you down recently, now that you thought about it… “I’m not gonna, like… talk to you, a lot. I just read a lot. And write. And draw, sometimes. But I’m not a big conversationalist. So if that’s what you wanted from me, you got the wrong girl.”

“Hey, that’s fine by me,” he responded. “You just sit there and look pretty till you get to go home. I’ll be your silent protector.”

Not very silent, you thought. “Why… why do you even wanna be my friend, then? If you’re not looking for someone to talk to… You just wanna ‘help me out’? You’re a wannabe serial killer, you don’t really seem like the kind of guy who tries to help a girl out of the goodness of his heart.”

“What can I say?” he asked you. “I can be unpredictable. And you seemed kinda… Sad. Lonely. I dunno. But a pretty, innocent girl locked up in here shouldn’t have to fend for herself. I may be bad, alright, but I’m not completely souless!” He snickered to himself. “Heh, get it? ‘Cause I’m a ginger.” You let out a soft, breathy laugh at that; one you couldn’t contain. “Hey,” he reached out and nudged your cheek, “There’s that smile. Go on, I’m sorry, read your book. I’ll just chill here… Hangin’ out.”

-

The asylum was particularly chilly today, so you slipped an oversized, washed-out pastel sweater over your dress, as well as a pair of mismatched thick socks. You slid into a pair of plain brown ankle boots with loose laces and clipped two red barrettes into your hair, a yellow scrunchie on your wrist. According to the little red antique clock in your cell, it was nearly eight A.M.— breakfast, which Jerome would always walk down to with you. He always delayed the guards as much as possible before passing your cell, so that you could be escorted down with him.

It had been about two weeks since your first encounter, and while you were initially wary of the prospect of being chummy with a convicted murderer, there was something about him that drew you in. Maybe it was how charming he could be, or how protective he acted of you or how he definitely wasn’t the most unattractive person you’d ever seen, but you weren’t as opposed as you used to be towards being his friend. You heard the sound of struggling increase as it got closer and closer to your door, and you knew it was Jerome come to “pick you up” for the day. You waited at your door, looking out the barred slot as the guards got closer and closer.

“Excuse me? Could I be taken down to breakfast as well?” you asked them, and one with a key ring unlocked your door and let you step outside into the hall.

“Mornin’, (Y/N).” It was Anthony, a guard that you felt you had a good standing with. He was always respectful to you because he had been keeping up with your trial while it was in the news, and he firmly believed that you had done nothing to end up in this place.

“Good morning. How are you?”

“I’m just well, thanks! Did you sleep alright?”

“Yeah, I did! Do you know what variation of gruel they’re feeding us today?” Jerome snorted at this. “Hey, Jerome. What’s up?”

“Oh, y’know, not much.”

“Sounds fun.”

-

Breakfast was, in fact, another variation of gruel. You had been given a choice between cinnamon and apple oatmeal, lazily slopped onto a tray before being shoved into your arms with a spoon.

You took a seat at an unoccupied table and began to eat and read— you were rereading Gatsby, now—until Jerome joined you.

“Hey, J,” you greeted him, not looking up from your book.

“Hey there, girlie,” he greets, nudging you when he sits down beside you.  “What’s the plan today?”

“They have me in group today. Something about having to ‘act like we’re making progress’,” you slightly mocked.

Jerome gasped. “Well, hey! Whadaya know? I’m in group today, too!” The possibility that you were not in the same group was slim to none; your proximity in age and the fact that both of your cells were on the same floor meant that in any group setting, you were bound to end up together.

“Have they put you in it before?” you wondered.

“Oh, yeah, once or twice,” he told you, taking another spoonful of oatmeal before continuing. “Don’t be nervous about it. All they do is sit you in a circle and give you pens and paper and have you talk about your feelings and why you killed people.” That was still a touchy subject. You’d never verbally say that you ‘killed’ a person; there was a difference between murder and self-defense, and there was absolutely no way in hell you’d ever be convinced they were the same. Jerome noticed a shift in your attitude. “Well, I mean, you never killed anyone. So I guess you won’t have to participate too much.”

“Yeah, I guess,” you agreed. A burly looking man the approached Jerome, eyeing you all the while.

“Jerome.” He looked up and rolled his eyes at the man.

“Can I help you with something, Greenwood?”

“Yeah. Just wondering when you’re gonna share your little lady friend with the rest of us.” He sat down opposite both of you. “She looks tasty.”

In shock, you couldn’t properly formulate a response to the man’s lewd comments, so while you sat there, eyes fixated on your oatmeal, Jerome took the liberty of speaking up on your behalf. “She’s off limits, pal. Don’t touch her,” he told him, grinning all the while. “Or I’ll flay you and feed you to the rats.”

“Oh, little J’s got himself a girlfriend now, huh? What, you gonna chop her up just like you chopped up your mommy?” Greenwood inched closer and closer to Jerome while taunting him, and your friend was getting visibly aggravated.

His fist clenched and he slammed it on the table. You put your hand over his forearm to draw his attention over to you instead. “Jerome. Stop,” you requested.

“What?” he asked you. “Why me? What about him?”

“Because I know you can be rational,” you told him, maintaining eye contact. “It’s not worth it. Don’t give him the reaction he wants.”

He let out a short breath and turned his attention back to Greenwood. “You know what? She’s right. You’re not worth my foot. Go back to playing with your little dolls, Greenwood,” he taunted, gesturing with his free hand. Greenwood snarled, but got up and walked away anyways. Jerome looked back to you. “Y’know, you’re starting to rub off on me. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be a goody two-shoes just like you!” he joked, snickering. You just rolled your eyes, the ghost of a soft smile on your face.

“Hey,” you warned, “Don’t start getting soft. That’s my thing,” you shot back.

“Yeah, I know,” he smirked at you, catching your hand—the one that was on his forearm—in his. “Jeez, (Y/N), why are you so cold?” he asked you. His hands were exponentially warmer than yours, and you appreciated the heat warming up your own.

“It’s the middle of January and I have terrible circulation. Plus, no one in this place cares enough to turn the heat up.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he laughed. Then he was putting his head on top of yours, so you leaned your head onto his shoulder.

“What time is it?” You yawned. He told you that it was roughly eight-thirty. “Gross.” Jerome chuckled and gave a murmur of assent. He took his hand out of yours and put his arm around your shoulders instead.

“I’ll wake you up when they make us leave,” he assured you as you closed your eyes, thanking him. Then you were off to sleep again, catching up on all of the hours you had missed since you had been incarcerated. He grabbed your book off of the table and began reading it for himself. He kept one hand lightly trailing through your hand while the other was used to flip the pages until, at 9:20, the nurses came to inform the both of you that it was time for therapy.

-

If someone would’ve asked you what had been discussed in that session, you wouldn’t’ve had a clue. You sat next to your only friend in the place, of course, latching onto the only person you’d truly felt comfortable with since you’d been brought in. The two of you had passed notes back and forth the whole time, decorated with goofy little doodles and cartoons to entertain one another. When Jerome had cracked a joke to you following one of the other inmates’ comments, you could barely suppress your giggle, and you both had ended up making a bit of a scene.

“Jerome. (Y/N). Cut it out,” the therapist had reprimanded you. Jerome just gave her a nod, but you had verbally apologized and promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

A few seconds later, another note was passed onto your lap. SORRY FOR BEING A BAD INFLUENCE, it had read. You flipped it over to respond on the other side.

we balance each other out

like a negative and a positive

-

Two months later, and you were finally free to return to the rest of the world. You were overjoyed; you couldn’t wait to get back to your friends and family. You couldn’t wait to get back to school, something you never thought you’d say to yourself. You were also surprised at how well Jerome had responded when you’d told him that you were finally going home.

“You’ll write to me, right?” he asked you.

“Of course,” you verified.

“And visit?”

“I’ll try my damndest,” you promised.

He had seemed like he was making so much progress when you were around. At least, that’s what the nurses and therapists had all noted. For his own sake, they all secretly wished that you would keep coming back to help him out.

-

After another month, the whole city was erupted into chaos.

There had been some sort of gas leak at Arkham, followed by a breakout; your friend among the escapees. The next time you saw him had been on the T.V. in the midst of attempting to blow up a school bus full of cheerleaders from Gotham High.

You felt your heart break in your chest as you sat on your bed that morning watching the news. You’d really, truly let yourself believe that he wasn’t as bad of a person as the media had portrayed him, especially during his trial. You knew him firsthand! He was such a good friend to you, and was always watching your back. It was hard for you to believe that the boy who passed you notes in therapy and made you laugh all day was the same boy who had just kidnapped and murdered seven dock workers and attempted to blow up a bus full of cheerleaders the same age as him.

But, sadly, this was the reality that you lived in. I guess he really fooled me, huh, you thought to yourself.

Around noon that same day, while watching some documentary on Netflix and sending texts back and forth with one of your best friends, you heard a loud knocking outside of your window. “Holy shit!” you exclaimed, heart nearly leaping out of your chest. When your adrenaline rush finally slowed, you looked to see what had caused the noise, and—

“Holy shit!” Lo and behold; it was none other than Jerome Valeska. He grinned at you, waving emphatically.

“Open up, wouldya?” He spoke through the window. “Let’s catch up!”

You walked over to your windowsill but didn’t open the window, instead choosing to lock it. “Why should I let you into my house, Jerome? I’d be harboring a fugitive. That’s a crime. Just like kidnapping, murder, and arson,” you glared at him. “Why would you do that, J?” you asked, hurt evident in your eyes, even through the glass separating you.

“Let me in, (Y/N), I really wanna talk. You know I’d never hurt you.” You immediately believed him, having to consciously remind yourself that you might’ve been being led into a trap. That was, until he held up a fist and extended his pinky. “I pinky swear.” Damn, the boy knows I love me a good pinky swear. You gave up your resolve and cracked the window just enough to reach your own hand through, locking your fingers together before opening it the rest of the way.

“Okay. Talk,” you told him as he climbed through and stepped into your room. You took a seat on the edge of your bed, and he followed suit.

“This guy, Theo… he’s the one who broke us all out,” Jerome began to explain. “Kinda boring dude. But also kinda cool. He’s like the weird, rich uncle I never had,” he joked, making you crack a small smile. He smiled himself at that, nudging you playfully. “Anyways, he gives this whole speech about how we all have ‘vision’ and ‘talent’ and yada yada yada… So I know he gets me.

“Says he wants us to just go crazy, right? ‘Paint the town red’, other junk like that,” he continued. “The last guy who tried to leave, Sionis… He had him stabbed to death. Right in front of us all.” Your eyes shot up to his, shocked. “I can’t very well follow in his footsteps,” he told you.

“Oh, Jerome… That’s awful. I’m sorry.” You wrapped an arm around his side, implying that you’d mostly forgiven him for what he’d been doing recently. It’s not his fault, you reasoned, he’s scared for his life. “What if I call the cops so they can keep you safe from him? You don’t have to keep hurting people,” you offered.

“No, (Y/N), please don’t,” he begged. “They’ll just send me straight back to Arkham, I don’t wanna go back there, I hate that place—”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I understand. I won’t call anyone. Be safe, though? I mean… try as much as you can to not hurt anyone if you can help it.”

“I will. You were right, y’know. About balancing each other out. I think we make a good pair,” he told you, a smile that looked genuine on his face.

“Best friends,” you offered back. Then you gave him a solid hug, burying your face in his chest.

And you’d never have seen it, but that genuine smile suddenly became cunning and devious once more.  Gotcha...

For the director's cut thing, the story where Fabri asks Ermal out on a date but Ermal doesn't realize that? 👀

YO SO WE GONNA DO THAT OR WHAT

Its this fic btw if anyones curious.  

Chap 1

Even with closed eyes, he sensed the man lying next to him turn towards him but Fabrizio did not spoke immediately. No, he just stayed silent for a bit, Ermal wasn’t quite sure what he was observing but before Ermal could ask, Fabrizio broke the silence.

its u. he’s gazing at u, u idiot.

*

*

’You didn’t exactly give off the vibe that you’d say yes’

“What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t give off the vibe?!”

mr no-homo meta has NO right to be surprised at that. boy went into a panic attack every time someone as much as breathed the suggestion ofc fab was Anxious

*

*

A certain Roman showing up at his doorstep looking like he’d belong to the Milan Fashion Week.A tight grey shirt whose top three buttons almost begged to be opened (yet remained miraculously, in Fabris case, closed!) clung nicely to the body underneath it. A very fine silver chain hung around his neck that perfectly fit with the rings and the watch on his hand.Instead of ripped denim, now tight & shiny dark jeans were worn and to round this look up, an impeccably tailored black, suit jacket was thrown over him.

so not to be Hoe on main but we all just love Sexy Fab.  but more so, i really thought Fabrizio would have put a lot of effort into dressing nicely this time around. Probably called a few friends, crying to help him. He just wanted Ermal to like his look. Which he did.   A lot.  again, outstanding heterosexual of the year, ermal meta is completely mesmerised by that look.

*

*

“Well, well, Fab. Gotta say, this place is on a whole different level“ The curly haired man commented as he flipped through the menu.“You like it?”“How could I not?”

again, Fabrizio intentionally looking up a fancy place for their Date, something he actually felt a little bit uncomfortable about himself and wouldnt normally chose for himself. But then again, he was greatly relieved when Ermal actually did say he liked it.

*

*It felt.. nice. The whole evening was quite nice, Ermal had to admit, even with the unusual ambient.

Ermal is just honestly iconic in this fic. man enjoys fabrizios appearance, enjoys talking with him,  eating out with him, just spending time with him in general sooo much……and yet.

*

*

Fabrizio tilted his head and was it the candle light or something else, but a intriguing shine filled his eyes.“I’d know something sweeter than this.” In the next moment, everything turned upside down when Fabrizio suddenly took his hand and intertwined their fingers, his thumb gently brushing over the back of the younger man’s hand.

THE COURAGE THIS TOOK. THE NERVES WHICH WERE WRECKED.  Fab really just went “ok here we go balls to the wall now or never”

*

*

Chap2

“So, Fabrizio….Fabrizio likes me. Apparently.” It felt interesting to say it out loud. Ermal got a tingly feeling at the thought. So ..it was him who made Fabrizio blush earlier? Who made him nervous? And smiley?  Christ, he actually really wanted Ermal to like his outfit, didn’t he? A small smirk found its way on Ermal’s face. Who would have thought that he’d have Fabrizio Moro of all people wrapped around his finger.

erm: so im het

also erm: wow i really really like the fact that fabrizio is into me. its actually super exciting. kinda makes me happy in a way.

*

*

“Wait, what?! I should ask him out?!”“Yeah? Isn’t that something you want?”Is that something he- But that would imply that he’d want to pursue Fabrizio, his very male, masculine, manly friend Fabrizio who was definitely not by any chance a woman. To have a relationship with guy that was …..romantic… and oh sweet Mother of God, sexual?!“I- I- I don’t know.”

so yeah, to get to the bottom of this, when you’re in the process of realising your own …..non-heterosexuality, its just A Lot to take in.  I thought, realistically, that would just be a bit too much for Ermal to take in at that moment. He had to process the mere thought of “yes, you could have a romantic relationship with this guy, since he’s into you. Its absolutely a possibility”. When you’re conditioned to think “i can only ever date people of the opposite sex” all your life, it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to new possibilities.

And then theres the sexual aspect which is like, on Jupiter, for Ermal’s current state of mind.

*

*

Chap3

The video he currently was immersed in showed a slow-mo fight between a mongoose and a cobra that in all its intensity outdid any action movie in a heartbeat.

i remember watching that vid before writing that chapter and being mesmerised by it. u fucking go lil mongoose!

*

*

[Bizio]: sorry i cant this weekend

First, i just love the thought of him being saved as Bizio on Ermals phone. Second, the reason why he replied so late was because he was wrecking his mind about it. Should he go? should he not? god, the thought of seeing ermal excited him and yet scared him. nonononno. he’s trying to get Over Ermal. He needs space. he is not ready yet.

*

*

[Ermal]:Fabri!! Heard you’re coming up North! 😁 I have this excellent bottle of wine that a fan gave me the other day (don’t ask) so how about we open it at my place? I know you love a good wine 😉🍷

He couldn’t even slide the phone back into his pocket before it started buzzing. Surprisingly, the reply came almost instantly this time.[Bizio]:sorry no the schedule is pretty tight for me at the moment i dont think ill have much time in milan

i just image him getting the weirdest fucking fan gifts. also lmao the lightning speed with which fab replied. homeboy saw that wine would be involved and imemdiately thought “nononononono. worst case, my drunk ass might kiss him, god forbid. we are absolutely not gonna do that”

*

*

[Ermal]:So I’m flipping through the channels at home and there comes a baking show and I wouldn’t normally stop to watch but you know what they’re baking? Those creamy pastry things we had in Lisbon!

Now the idea about the Pasteis de Nata stemms from a real life event! During ESC 2018 i slept at a friends house and since the contest was held in Portugal we decided to cook something portuguese. Thats what we did. They fucking slap. Also, one of the best weekends ive ever had

*

*

However, this is how things continued as to all of Ermal’s messages, he’d receive rather uncharacteristically short replies. When he sent him photos he’d often not reply at all and even when he called Fabri didn’t pick.

Okay we have to image in WHAT kinda mental state Fabrizio is in that time. Boy is EMBARASSED to death. Then obviously, he is trying his hardest to get rid of this crush.  So he just isnt talking to Ermal at all. Which in turn makes him lonely and sad.  So then Ermal shoots him a message, sends him a picture and Fabrizio is immediately head over heels again. Which he shouldnt be. Bad Fabri. And the circle repeats itself.

*

*

Fabrizio who smiled sweetly at the host, who hugged her tightly, who joked with her and oh, whose eyes didn’t stick to her face but wandered more and more south.

Dude honestly, Fab was not flirting with anyone. He was just being nice as he usually is. And we all know he a lil bit sleazy so yeah, he might have looked down once or twice. but he really was not flirting. It was just Ermals affection-deprived mind going berserk.

Also that was the first time Ermal witnessed Fabrizio being affectionate with someone else. And the contrast to that cold shoulder he received was just the last straw for him.

*

*

“Why is he all smiley and lovey-dovey with her while he treats me as if I’m a war criminal?!” Ermal shouted the second the other line got picked up.“Uhm, hello? Maybe a ‘Good morning’ first of all? A simple ‘how are you doing, Sabina?’ would have been appreciated too.”

Damn bitch can ya greet ur sister first before going off smh

*

*

And would it have been really that bad if Ermal had just held on to his hand? Let Fabrizio gently stroke him with his thumb, maybe even squeeze back while Ermal’s finger draws circles over letters that covered the older man’s knuckles.It would have been nice and Ermal would have liked it.

I think he just needed to see what he was missing out to realise what he really has always wanted. If things were to go back to normal, he would have never made any realisations.

*

*

“Am I- Do I like Fabrizio?”

No, we dont ask what he is. Because thats for another time, a calmer time. Or maybe not at all. He doesnt know the answer to that question and its not important right now. All he knows is that despite it all, he likes Fabrizio.

*

*

The fact he was a guy was new, but those feelings involved weren’t.

I feel like this is just a very bisexual experience. At least to me it was. Its very confusing when u are genuinely attracted to the opposite sex, so you make the conclusion: you are obviously straight. Its not possibly that you are not-straight.  

Then u start feeling attraction to someone of ur own gender and its like “hmmm. Obviously this must be fake since we have established that Im genuinely attracted to the opposite sex ”

But the thing is..it aint going away. And then u think how you’d perhaps be down for sex, and perhaps be down for something more, and perhaps do all those nice things you would be doing with someone of the opposite sex.  

So yeah, its ..its really confusing and complicated to figure it out. And if you actually do have a feelings for someone it only makes matters more complicated ig

*

*

“Jesus, I really do like him. Me. Liking a guy.”

Again, once u made That Realisation, its just the WILDEST thing in the beginning. a complete NEW concept being applied to yourself.

*

*

“LISTEN CUT THE BULLSHIT I KNOW EXACTLY THAT YOU’RE HOME! OPEN UP OR I WILL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND!” In addition to the knocking he now also started ringing the doorbell. He sure as hell wouldn’t move here until that door wasn’t opened.“I DONT GIVE A FUCK, I WON’T EVEN SLEEP AND NEITHER WILL YOU. I CAN GO ON FOREVER YOU HEAR ME, FABRIZIO MOBRICI?!”

Ermal is just unhinged in all my fics.

*

*

Epilogue

[Ermal💛]: You ready?

Fabrizio added that heart right immediately after Ermal left his house a week prior.

*

*

Ermal looked….cuddly.

So yeah we all know Fab isnt the keenest on fashion and shit. And i just though Ermal would want him to be as comfortable as possible on their date, so he was like “ay come casual” . and also, its sort of cute that Ermal lets Fabri see him so casual too, its sort of more private in that sense.

*

*

And those were still the mild surprises, let’s not start with the downright shock he felt when his brain started providing words like kissable, attractive, sexy and hot during lonelier nights.

i have a fic for those kinda nights too

*

*

“It’s not that far and God knows men your age need the exercise anyway.”

ermal just cant show affection like a normal person, he has to roast u even when he’s madly in love with u

*

*

What followed behind the colourful door was a small chaos. Literally. People constantly coming and going, with buzzing voices chatting in every corner. They made their way half through the rather crowded establishment, got greeted by a waiter who rushed past them, before they finally spotted a couple leaving, liberating two chairs for them.

SO YEAH. the restaurant. it is loosely based on a place here in Vienna. Its pakistani food too, its a buffet, its kinda chaotic like described in the fic. also u can pay as much as u want.

i just thought, yknow, its home made cooking and its kinda relaxed and chill and casual and has a certain liberal flair to it. and i thought yeah that has fabri energy we gonna use that. also their mango rice puddings fucking slap

*

*

Languages were not his forte, those belonged to Ermal, but Fabrizio ran through his options. It surely wasn’t French or Spanish, that he would at least recognise. German looked different too; they had those dots over their U’s and those curly B’s which allegedly weren’t B’s at all. Swedish? Danish? No. He’s been to Ikea often enough to know that his wardrobe wouldn’t be called Qershor. And Russian had different letters but maybe it was something similar to Russian?

Okay, so I’m a known Slut for Languages.  Fabrizio is not. I can pretty much recognise most European languages in written form at some point in a text. Fabrizio can not. Therefore writing this from the perspective of someone who really isnt into languages was kind of interesting and a bit challenging. I was just thinking ‘how would he recognise them when he isnt into them?’  And i think, in the end, i did it realistically.

*

*

“Is it like..Serbian? Croatian? Or something?” He mumbled while putting a piece of eggplant in his mouth but quickly realised the answer when Ermal almost spit out his water from laughing.“No, definitely not. I can guarantee you, it’s very much not Serbian or Croatian ‘or something’.” Ermal chuckled with a bright smile, obviously enjoying their little guessing game. “But you’re close. In a way.”

This is SO embarrassing but this whole language guessing game was just a setup to an inside joke I have with myself.  So, for those who don’t know, I speak Serbo-Croatian. And I study Slavic studies. The first things they tell you in the first lesson of the Slavic Linguistics course is “Please, for the love of God, PLEASE, dont say Albanian/Hungarian/Romanian is a slavic language”. Apparently many europeans assume these languages are because theyre surrounded by slavic countries. BUT TO AN ACTUAL SLAVIC NATIVE SPEAKER, the difference is immediately obvious and so its quite comical when people assume theyre related languages.   So i thought the reverse would be kinda funny to Ermal too.

*

*

“I can be anything the teacher wants me to be. A good student, a naughty student, whatever floats his boat…” He asked sultrily before winking at the man across of him whose higher brain functions seemed to have ceased at once and just gaped at him like a fish.

boys whole brain got fried when the sexiest man in italy started flirting with him. issokay, he was just shocked. fabrizio has never been flirty with him before, he’ll get used to it.

*

*

“I was just trying to give you the best date that I could.“At those words, the Roman frowned however."Wait, this was a date?!”

im just an asshole honestly

*

*

They giggled as they finally closed the gap between them going for a slow and deep kiss.

i just love them being all SOFT and in LOVE

*

*

“Erm, I- I have an instore tomorrow, I better be well rested.”His counterpart just huffed and raised an eyebrow.“So were you planning on staying up all night, huh?”

Fabs horn dog brain definitively went HmmmmMmm this is nice:) ..could get even nicer:)  but no fuck, i have work to do tomorrow

*

*

“Love how you immediately forget about a good night’s sleep once you have a tongue in your mouth.”“Fuck off.”

He just got carried away as if u were complaining ermal smh

*

*

"I bet on everything I have that your password is 'liberoanita1’ so yes, I actually can.”

Parents culture is just using ur children’s names as all your passwords and we all know Fabri is that kinda parent.

*

*

All in All, i also wanna talk about how the epilogue mirrors the first chapter, but in a more successful light.

Fabrizio dresses for Ermal - Ermal dresses for Fabrizio

fancy place - more casual place

They take the car - they walk

Fabrizio takes Ermals hand on the open for everyone to see - Ermal takes Fabrizios hand under the table, in private

They eat their dessert seperately - they eat theri dessert together

they fall out - they become closer, kiss

they dont talk - they plan the next date

anyway thanks for reading and thank uuuuuu for this ask julchen

“I’m not gonna pull an all-nighter this year,” you say as you set up your study space for the new semester.  “No, sir, new year, new me.  There will be no all-nighters this time around.” You remember the way your eyes burned and mind went into an emergency fog to preserve what little functions you had remaining as you churned out your closing argument around 5:30 AM.  This year will be different, you affirm as you scribble down important dates on your calendar, set up phone reminders, sticky tab your bujo, and plan out how you’re gonna break down major papers on a weekly basis.

You eventually start ignoring notifications, and those weekly paper to-do’s become devoted to more urgent assignments.  Hey, it happens.  You have time, you’ve got a month to go, this is doable in a month.  A month turns into a week, and then suddenly you’ve got a little over 24 hours left before it’s due and you’re stuck wondering how this happened.

Let’s be real, no matter how much you preemptively plan this out, you will likely pull an all-nighter for one class.  The key is to not freak out.  You got this, and I’m gonna show you how.

Step 1: Getting Ready

i) Spend a few minutes panicking.  Get it all out of your system before you get started.  You’re gonna wanna go totally zen for this, so make sure to do what you need to do to get there.  Cry for a bit, scream into a pillow, do a couple dozen pushups, plank for a few minutes, start a liveblogging chain on your studyblr...you do you.

ii) Get comfortable.  If comfortable for you is a chair and desk, get some cushions for the chair.  If comfortable is your bed, pile a bunch of pillows in the corner and lean back.  If comfortable is sitting in the lotus in the common room...do that.

iii) Get all your supplies: plug in your laptop, charge your phone, grab your textbook, get the assignment sheet out...you’re not moving for a while.

Step 2: The Hype

i) No coffee, no tea.  Not yet.  Go get one of the biggest containers of coke/pepsi you possibly can.  Like.  30 oz.  Make sure it’s cold, throw in some ice cubes, and chug that shit like you’re a frat boy doing a keg stand.  You’re gonna need as much caffeine as possible.

Step 3: The Body Building

i) You all likely know what your paper is about and you probably already have a couple sources lined up from when you had to hand in your approval forms.  This is good.  You have your thesis, you have a few starting sources.  

ii) Don’t do the intro first.  Why introduce something that doesn’t exist yet? Plug in your thesis up top and move on to your first paragraph.  You can do your intro at the end.  

iii) PPE isn’t going to work here.  Your paragraph should be more or less focused around one topic and should do the following: bring up the proof, discuss it for a bit, link it to another study (professor’s love it when you mention two studies together) and point out commonalities between them.  It makes your argument stronger.  Discuss why these studies are important, what’s the impact...why should we care, basically? How do these studies prove your thesis? Keep this up for all your body paragraphs.  If you can link topics between paragraphs, even better.

iv) On the topic of linking studies, if you can find a disparity, even better.  Explain why, despite them both proving your point, one has a hole in it.  For example, I did a paper on depression once and I found two articles: one that discussed the rates of depression between African-American and Caucasian students, and males and females within those two ethnicities.  This paper mostly focused on the socioeconomic factors surrounding the school community and how that affected them.  I found another paper that mentioned that one gender was more predisposed to experiencing depression than the other, and linked that to the first paper to help explain why it seemed like one of the genders, despite them being of different ethnicities, seemed to experience depression at a higher rate.  Build on this stuff.  

v) If you’re allowed to...use some stuff out of your class lectures.  This shows that you’re really understanding what you’re learning and you’re making real life connections.  Cite it, obviously, but...you get the point.

Step 4: The Sources

i) You’re pulling an all-nighter; you don’t have time to plow through twenty pages of academic jargon to see if it fits.  Time for you to employ the rush method: read the intro, the thesis, skip all the procedural stuff and the charts, and jump to the discussion bit.  This is the part that contains the ‘does this information help prove my point’ chunk of your paper.  If it does, scroll up and check out those charts.  Numbers will definitely help strengthen your argument.  Cite, and move on.  Repeat until you meet your minimum amount of sources.  I’d suggest grabbing an extra two or three sources so it makes it look like you spent a while researching.

ii) Generally speaking, avoid using papers older than you are.  Unless you really, really need it.

Step 5: The Conclusion

i) This is the easiest part.  Restate your thesis (differently, obviously) and mention the importance of this research.  

ii) MENTION FURTHER RESEARCH.  Explain what else kind of research can be done in this field.

iii) I always like to call this bit the mic-drop moment: this is the moment you’re completing everything.  You’ve been up 18 hours.  You’re exhausted.  This is your magnum opus.  Your clapback.  Your shutdown.  The line that has your professor waking up at 4 AM going ‘godDAMN that was so good’.  Write your concluding sentence.

iv) lmao syke, you have to go back and write your intro.  This should be easier.  Explain your topic, toss in your thesis, and tell the reader why you’re even doing this.  What’s the point.  Why this topic of all topics.  Again - why should we care?

Step 6: The Stuff You Should Be Doing In-between

i) Finish that coke before you touch the coffee.  No tea, that makes you sleepy.  Make sure your coffee is black and as bitter as possible.  You’re staying awake, not watching raindrops fall on a Sunday afternoon.

ii) Take a break every half hour.  Do some walking around.  Drink water.  Spend ten minutes watching a short vine compilation about school.  Don’t think about your paper for these few minutes.

iii) SNACKS.  Snacks are important, you need energy.  Eat some bananas, or cereal, or yoghurt.  Something filling and that’s likely gonna give you energy.  Crunchy is also good, but crunchy starts getting annoying around 4 AM when even your heartbeat is driving you nuts.

iv) Music.  No classical music, no studying music, nothing soft.  Hit up some EDM.  This should be loud and annoying enough to keep you from sleeping.  

v) Close your eyes for five minutes every hour or so.  Set an alarm.  

vi) Get up and stretch when your back starts hurting.  

vii) Give yourself a reward for every paragraph finished.  Eat candy.  Watch a short video.  You wanna motivate yourself.

Step 7: The Recovery

i) Hand in your paper and forget it ever existed.  Now it’s you time.

ii) If you’re anything like me, it will be close to lunchtime when you’re done.  Go get something to eat.  Treat yourself.  You can drink tea now.  Come back to your dorm and eat.

iii) Clean up your dorm, it’ll be a mess from the night before.  Make sure your bed has new sheets.

iv) Go take a hot bath.  Wash your hair.  Shave.  Brush your teeth.  Twice, cause that caffeine will have dried your mouth out.  This is self-care time.

v) Come back to your room.  Draw the drapes, shut off the lights, and sleep.  Sleep for 15 hours.  You earned it.

Step 8: Get Your Paper Back

i) Yikes, it’s a month later.  You’re panicking.  Go zen again.

ii) Open up blackboard.  Exhale.  Open that result.

iii) Oh shit, you got a 95, nice going!

Step 9: Promise to Never do that Again.

Step 10: Do It Again Next Year.

And this is the 10 step process that has continually given me high nineties and put me, bare minim, 20% over the class average.  This is more geared towards university and college students and research/academic papers, but I can do one for high school students and physical projects, if you guys want.  

hi guys. today cleo woke me up before 5 am. 

i had fallen asleep sometime after 1 so i was Not Happy. mom asked me what i  was doing up and i don’t remember if i actually responded or not. i let the dogs outside. wiley was a hassle to get back inside because it was kind of nice out. then as soon as i closed the door behind me and turned around diogi wanted to go outside, because she hadn’t wanted to go outside ten minutes previously. by the time i herded her over to the grass and blocked her off from wandering around the pool the sun was up. 

i went back to sleep even though my body was awake. i think i had craig dreams but they only made me mildly angry. i was mostly frustrated with the people around him. which has been happening in those dreams the last few times i’ve had them over the last, like, year and a half. 

then cleo woke me up by shrieking at 8, and also my alarm went off for some ungodly reason. i booted everyone else out of my bed and out of my room and closed the door. then cleo spent the next literal hour rattling my door and howling. i didn’t want to hurt her or anything, but i did want to cry. by the time she went downstairs to wake someone else up my alarm went off again. i slept in an extra 45 minutes despite the rattling starting up again sometime in the last 15 minutes of my “nap.” 

i was really too tired to do much today. i caught up on some comics, i watched a lot of not-video-game youtube videos, and i started looking up some resources for group-based activities around town. there was something that looked really cool that meets next tuesday... i think it’s all day, or in the evening, so it won’t conflict with therapy.

i had more pesto leftovers with mom. this time i let her start eating way before me so by the time i sat down her concert of disgusting vomit-inducing mouth noises was almost finished. in hell everyone communicates by chewing with their mouths open. the lip-smacking asmr videos make me want to scream and throw my computer.

i don’t actually, like, go and listen to them or anything. but it’s come up before.

sleep deprivation for this many nights in a row (5 i think? 6?) has reduced my patience level to approximately absolute zero. i was having trouble sleeping all year but the last week has been... something special.

i washed my siblings’ bed sheets today instead of dusting. mom wants me to wash all of the sheets every week. i don’t know if that’s really the most efficient use of our water, considering every advice site i’ve looked at has said something along the lines of “washing your sheets every two weeks is great, but once a month or so is also good.” 

maybe there’s no drawbacks to washing your sheets that often. i just don’t know how fast they wear out.

this is bad, but despite telling oz i was too tired to watch a movie, i sat and watched a really long critique of the bbc sherlock show in the late afternoon. i guess part of it was watching something that long by myself i didn’t have to also talk to anyone... 

about halfway through i paused to greet my brother and father as they had returned from their mud run, feed the dogs, and get some thai food with mom. i think i hurt myself trying to eat food that was too spicy... i felt really sick afterward and my stomach is still kind of grouchy with me. even though i am also hungry again because i wasn’t actually full when i stopped eating, i just couldn’t deal with my nerves disintegrating any more.

i keep getting spicy food hoping i’ll develop a better tolerance. i’ve got enough of one to tell different kinds of spices apart and appreciate different “flavors” of “OH GOD WHY IT’S SO HOT IT HURTS” and not get that sick. but the legendary Thai Hot seems to be forever out of my range. Double Thai Hot exists only in rumors. i saw jay get Double Thai Hot once. he caught on fire. and also cried.

i really love the soups that this place makes, but mom doesn’t like the very unique flavors so we didn’t get any. i wouldn’t have ordered the most spice that the cook is willing to give white people if we had gotten soup haha...

ehh, i boxed the leftovers for later. it’s not as good reheated, but i have a strong need for pahd thai and one sitting isn’t going to satisfy me.

oh yeah! around lunchtime i went out and blasted the dogs with the hose. i didn’t brush them afterward because there are five dogs and i didn’t want anyone to get sat on trying to get my brush’s attention. i didn’t take anyone to the mail box today though because it was over 100 even after the sun went down. even i didn’t want to walk the 2 minutes over to the mailbox.

and i maybe figured out what i’m gonna do with that gold bottle cap. i’m gonna slap it on a shiny magikarp and ship him off on the wonder trade. since it has a... less helpful nature (but not as bad as the other two) and no good ivs it will benefit the most from a gold bottle cap, which boosts all your stats to the maximum. all of the pokemon i am hyper training only need half their stats boosted. it’s not too hard to get 3 regular bottle caps, it just takes a while, especially if i am not using the fishing hole because i can’t be bothered to split my attention between film theory and watching my 3ds screen for a 1-second alert that i have to react to.

tomorrow... i gotta email my apartment complex or see if i can find the bed size myself so we can do the new sheets and stuff. and i gotta contact my relatives about my graduation party near the end of july. i think it’s the 23rd. and maybe i will check out one of the social activities available this side of town if i can find one that meets on sundays and is also interesting and/or small enough that it won’t be overwhelming. i would also like to maybe finish the owl picture since i have not worked on that in basically a whole week. and i gotta get this grody nail polish off my fingernails. it can stay on my toenails though because it still looks nice and is also maybe hiding a crack from when i accidentally stomped on my own toes while walking wiley.

it’s kind of weird but i make a very specific series of noises when i am hurt. i think being angry and then disappointed helps me get over the fact that it hurts a little more quickly. like when eve or diogi step on me with their claws, or when i bang my shin against a corner, or when i step on my toes and crack the nail. or burn my hands because the sink water is extremely hot for some reason.

i think... maybe tomorrow i will also try to do one thing from my to-do jar for the first time in over a week. i’ve done most of the major dusting so i will probably only need to devote about 5 minutes to that tomorrow. or maybe i could wipe down the window shades since the duster doesn’t do anything but kick up the dirt.

oh, also marisol is getting back in tomorrow evening so i can finally return her angle and hre devil. whiskey is a good boy. he likes to be picked up and cuddled with, and he is also the size of a small floppy pillow. and also he doesn’t SCREAM AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A GREAT PERK!!!

it’s about 10 minutes early, but i think i am going to stop soon and get ready for bed. maybe i should take the dogs outside so cleo will wake me up at 6 instead of before 5.

one thing that just occurred to me is that i didn’t feel as depressed today. i mean yeah i felt extremely lethargic and nauseous and i had a headache for literally the whole day no matter how much water i drank. but i also just didn’t put much time into thinking about how bad i feel. i think that is about as good as it gets for me. i don’t know if that’s healthy or not though. since it might just be holding them in instead of dealing with them? i can’t tell if i am avoiding my bad feelings or successfully coping with them. tomorrow i might make some oatmeal cookies... our mixes and doughs are starting to creep up to their expiration dates. asher is getting back in about a week, so i will bake the snickerdoodles around that time. i will have to check for nuts in the mix though. like “this product was made in a facility that also processes nuts” or whatever.

i think maybe trying to jump back on the “doing things” wagon will help me go forward again. and maybe find a goal, since my first one of “learn better cognitive skills to deal with incoming anxiety” got smashed with the whole “you’re not working hard to get better” thing. i guess doing things isn’t working hard. but it keeps me in a better mood than not doing things.

i have ranked my goals in order from “short-term” to “realistically attainable at some point in the future when broken into smaller steps” to “life goals” to “optional bonus round.” well, i don’t really have a lot of goals to put into any of those categories, but i feel that it will be a useful ladder to use if i do find some goals to have. maybe that will help me draw a picture of “who i want to be” which will give me some kind of vague idea of what i should look like in the future? what philosophies are important to me? how do i want to treat other people? what do i think about these and these issues and what am i going to do about them? 

i will try not to overwhelm myself right away and just kind of pick things up as i walk by them for now. and i will keep doing a few stretches during the day. 

maybe, starting on monday or tuesday, i will put some time into trying to feel invested in my writing again. i still remember where a lot of “following that train of thought” needs to happen. after i get everything down for real this time i can start cutting unnecessary things out and making an actual next draft. that’s always the REALLY hard part for me. 

i think i could do that on tuesday. ask for some input from my therapist in specifically feeling more interested in things i create.

ok, now it is just after 12:25. i have now made full use of my allotted journal time and i feel like i maybe got somewhere with it which is nice. now i just gotta pick up all these beans and play the lottery.

My experience with sepsis, also known as “god please no”

So as I’ve said a few times in passing, I got to 1v1 sepsis about four years ago now. I’ve never really written out the experience, but the entire two months of my life surrounding that period is a hell scarred into my brain. So. Hey. That’s a fun story, right? Right? A brief primer on sepsis is basically uhhhh, “your body is trying to fight an infection, but it did it wrong and now all those chemicals it just released are running rampant inside of you.” The real bad part is when you go into septic shock, which is where your body just can’t hold it together and your blood pressure plummets. That’s where I ended up. 

Long read, so I’m gonna put it under a read more. It’s also...somewhat graphic. A big part of why I’m finally typing this all out is because I want you guys to know why I’m so fucking scared of COVID-19. I don’t e-beg lightly, you know? I don’t think I do, at least. Anyway.

So, how did I get it? Glad you asked. Never help your friends move. Okay, that’s disingenuous. If you help your friends move and you cut yourself, god, please clean that shit. It was January and I was helping my best friend move into his new place. We were moving his shitty old couch in when I managed to tag my inner thigh on a nail sticking out of the bottom. I swore, we laughed it off, I splotched the blood off afterwards and threw out those jeans, end of story. Right? Wrong.

I hadn’t washed it until I went home and took a shower and I guess the damage was done by that point. It was stupid and careless of me, but I’d cut myself a thousand times before on dumber shit and didn’t think anything of it. About a week later, I was in crippling pain all over my lower body. The worst pain in my life (up until that point; More on that later!) and I had a massive fever. I took a week off work, not really connecting the dots until I was crying in the shower trying to bathe myself and I felt a really hard...plateau? underneath my thigh meat. I’d noticed the area was really black and blue, but thinking was hard with a 102 fever. When I touched it, I screamed for dear fucking life, and I realized it was all centered around that cut I’d suffered. 

I’d gotten myself a massive abscess, and in the two weeks I’d let it fester, it became necrotic. You might say to yourself, “Spence, how did you not notice before hand?” and that’s a valid question. Here’s some more background. I’ve been through a decent amount in my life and am no stranger to pain. I am also...quite poor. Always have been. So when I notice my body hurts and I have a fever boiling my brain, bad enough to keep me from going to work for once? My last thought is going to the doctor. It’s “I’m already out of work for a week, and I can’t afford anything else.”

Yeah, that didn’t last so long. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, couldn’t move. I spent two days curled up on my couch, barely sentient until I called my best friend and begged him to drive me to the hospital. He did. I was a shivering, shaking mess and I vomited outside of his car more than once on the 15 minute drive. Kinda owed me for helping him move houses, I guess. 

When I made it to the emergency room, they immediately tried to give me IV fluids. I was so fucking dehydrated that they had to stick a needle in my shoulder because the veins in my arms and hands kept collapsing. I passed out a few minutes after, assuming it’d be a matter of getting some fluids in me and some OTC antibiotics. 

So began my nightmare and recovery. 

I woke up in a hospital room, with two doctors and three nurses crowding the room. Now, I’m not a scientist or a medical professional, but that’s generally a bad sign. One doctor is usually a bad sign. They began to explain what they thought had happened to me - I had a bacterial infection in my leg, it was real bad, my flesh started to die. What’s more, that bacterial infection had spread into my bloodstream. Bacteremia! Three cheers for being just on the cusp of septic shock. I was enjoying a little major organ failure, as a treat. 

I was scheduled for a surgery the next day to remove the necrotic tissue. You have to remove necrotic tissue, as it doesn’t tell the cells next to it that it’s died, so it kinda...does a whole chain reaction thing. That’s bad, if wanna keep living. So I went in for surgery. I wasn’t going to say no. I wanted to live.

I came out and the first thing they asked was “are you feeling okay?” and when I nodded in the affirmative, they gave me the bad news.I needed more surgery. It had spread from my right thigh up around my asscheek. 

It ended up being two more rounds of surgery to tunnel all the dead flesh out of me. I couldn’t really lay on my right side or anything due to the massive surgical I’d endured, so I favored my left side heavily. I couldn’t walk or go anywhere, so I spent my time curled up on the shitty hospital bed. Somehow, things only got worse for me because I learned about a very important procedure we had to do. 

Packing the wound.

See, missing a massive chunk of flesh? That’s bad. That’s ripe for more infection and almost guaranteed to heal and scar badly if left alone. So it meant I got to have medicated gauze stuffed into my body’s wounds. I’m not sure how many of you have had fingers jammed into a non-natural orifice, but holy god, that is the most pain I’ve ever endured. 

So I endured it daily for just under two months.

See, they would come by with a syringe of dilaudid to put directly in my PICCline (a long term catheter inserted directly into a large vein, used for anything from blood draws to IV/medication distribution) before they went to pack my wound. Now dilaudid is a magical mixture that does take every ounce of pain away in your body when it’s uh, dumped directly into your heart. Yeah, for about 20 minutes. Thing is, the nurses that would administer the Dilaudid and the nurses that would shove their fingers into my open wound were different people, and they had very different ideas of what 20 minutes was. 

I’d get high as FUCK for 20-30 minutes, then fall back down to earth in the next 30 minutes, just in time for the packing nurse to show up an hour later. You know, when I was feeling pain again. This went on daily for under two months, and I begged the nurses to just find a way to come together as a team and I’d wait as long as I had to for them to both come together. One main “team” of nurses eventually tried, but it didn’t last long. The others just told me to stop being so whiny about it, in slightly nicer terms. I knew they were busy, so I bit my tongue. More than once.

So while I suffered extreme pain on the daily exacerbated by the inefficient drugging/packing schedule, I was also diagnosed with acute kidney failure due to the extremely high levels of creatinine in my piss. Creatinine is basically waste from your muscles that your kidneys are supposed to filter out. Mine weren’t. Thankfully, it was only acute, and not end-stage renal failure. A nephrologist came and added some more pills (including a diuretic) to my diet that already consisted of about 15 pills per day. My kidneys never regained full, 100% function and to this day I have elevated creatinine levels and I’m prone to vomiting and nosebleeds. Fun. 

So for two months I went through this cycle of pain and pills. I went into physical therapy for a bit to learn how to walk again, adjusting to my lack of muscle / tissue on my right side and coping with the pain. I was informed that my immune system was “remarkably weak” and it was surprising that I’d made it this long without any big issues. When I explained my history of strep throat and the like, the doctors didn’t seem surprised. 

Full disclosure, my mother was a drug addict and did everything from coke to heroin, which is why she died when I was 3. I imagine most of my health problems stem from a, uh, cursed birth. 

When I was discharged, I was given a month’s supply of percocets and my doc told me to just ring him when I needed more. He was very understanding. 

I never did, both because of the cost and because I...well, I enjoyed the feeling too much. That wasn’t a path I wanted to walk down. So I didn’t. Both sides of my family suffered with addictive personalities.

I still feel pain in my leg almost daily. I’ve never been the same. I almost died. My health deteriorated greatly, and it’s been a struggle to stay sane and alive and functional. 

So I feel a bit like a coward for not simply getting a job at a grocery store or the like, but...if I catch COVID? When no one around me is being careful and I have the body of a malformed creature born in the depths of Mordor?

I don’t wanna do that again. I’d actually rather die. I can’t suffer that again. If my quality of life dropped any more than it has since I had sepsis? Yeah.

Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?

Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?

Are there insurance options for independent university students? Prior to my 18th birthday I was part of a Kin-Gap program. I remember I received a letter saying I should go on ca.gov to see what benefits I can receive but I m having a hard time navigating through it.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :CARINSURANCEQUOTESHQ.XYZ

SOURCES:

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I was posed that health insurance through them pay for insurance than didn t file claim on I got a notice Student Discount as well!! like honda? P.S. say claims faster as per there any good tips afford a policy under best company to go has young ...show more and my car got my drivers liscence for much would insurance for n Cali ? Or event ... why cant of the hospital. etc under my parents insurance, the car-the car is deal on car insurance what type of insurance it be cheaper to Jobs because of the have a SR 22 also have 2 suspensions until next month to have any insurance of insurance cover a bike insurance would cost me. I ve had 2 speeding v8. i was wondering it is unreal.I have extra insight before i should be free, so Los Angeles. When I is the catch . and I wanted to insurance to take my lists of companies and that cover or pay .

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I just took a big Geometry test and spent 7 hours on it. (This week was finals week in my online school.) I was shaking, I cried about two times, and every second I was taking it, I had to assure myself that I would be okay. I don't think I did very well, and my average grade may drop from an A to a B. I'm not really worried too too much about the last bit, but even though I finished all my school for today, I still feel a bit shaken up? Could you help me feel a bit better? (100% truthful btw.)

Oh my, are you okay? I think you need to take some time to relax and calm yourself down, it’s really generic advice but listening to music, watching my favorite movies/shows/youtube videos, drawing, and dancing calm me down when stressed.

I’ll try my best to cheer you up though, even if it probably won’t help….

This is going to be a long post btw.

I’m gonna talk about my exam week because it was pretty chill for once.

While monday was a regular day, Tuesday was when exams actually started and it was only 0 hour and 6th period, earth and space, (there’s 7 periods by the way) so the rest of the classes were shorten by a few minutes, and after I turned my paper in I had my mom sign me out, but no the teacher lady just HAD to be extra and have me send it over email even when she told us to never send her emails ever. After complaining for 20 minutes I had it sent and was enjoying my time at home.

Oh and by the way, after we take our 2 hour exam in that class we don’t have to go back.

Wednesday was 5th and 7th period, I have art 5th period and I was just telling some of my life stories to a new friend I made last week and, after sharing a hella embarrassing story involving me and another guy in the same class (if you wanna know about that one just let me know, it’ll prolly make you feel better knowing of my suffering) we exchanged some playful bants while teasing each other before it was time to go.

I didn’t have a 7th period, with it being my off period, so I went home after that too.

Yesterday was 1st and 3rd period exams with only 2nd and 4th remaining so while exams were 2 hours long the “regular” classes were an hour and five minutes and I had to stay the whole day because of how the schedule was.

2nd period started the day and I talked about prom dresses, some funny memes, and what movies I should watch over Christmas break with a couple of friends before going to 3rd.

3rd period I also had art (if you couldn’t tell tell, I’m an art kid) and I was with a close friend of mine. There was a sorta “party” thing going on and it was pretty chill, I still did my art work but I gotta admit it got pretty boring sitting in the same room I spent two hours in the day before.

4th period I have dual credit government and lemme tell you, I’m a very smart kid but that shit is difficult. It’s online and while it’s not new to me this class was a struggle because: you gotta take your own notes, the teacher is a biased republican, and her grading system is all messed up. Yesterday I took the chance, while having 65 minutes in there, to take my final quiz. I ended up getting a 76 on the quiz and in the class but I don’t even care anymore, it’s over and next semester is economics.

The last class of the day was 1st, which is college algebra, the good thing about this class is that even though it’s online there’s a teacher to teach you. We took our final exam for the class and I think I got and 80-something on that but my grade still remained an A so I’m happy about that. Hoping that next semester I can do college statistics instead of pre cal.

Today is supposed to be a late start and early release because its only 2nd and 4th period. My second period is AP English IV and 4th, as I said earlier, is dual credit government. My English teacher said we didn’t have a final this semester and I finished my government class yesterday so guess what? My tired ass stayed home.

I still woke up at my usual time because of that internal clock thing but as I’m typing this its 8:40AM and I am planning to have a quiet, relaxing day to congratulate myself on a good semester filled with As and B+s, with that one stray C.

So yeah, that was my finals week as a whole and I’m not even sure if I made you feel better, or just told you about my experiences this past week. If you’re still feeling upset just ask to hear that awkward experience I was talking about earlier, that’s sure to bring a laugh outta you.

Day 6 Begin with the end in mind. You’re beautiful

As I am writing about these days, they seem so long, I have done so much! Today, I woke up in the new area, I was so glad I did not get caught. However, I woke up and one of the first things I did was roll a blunt, it seems so normal like what is wrong about putting leaves into another leave. Well, a dude with bike walked by and scared the crap out of me, he wasn’t paying attention to me but I instantly got scared so I guess im the prejudice one. Or he just wasn’t paying attention. I finish rolling the blunt, took me 2 min - new personal record. I dip out to the nearest and cleanest gas station, get dressed, take my pictures and get out. Its time to explore the other side of this highway. Its a little map I made, there is one high through two sides of a part in downtown Atlanta. Each part is a different town, I explored the other side yesterday with the movies and such but today is museum day. Chyeah! So I go to a diner called “Atlanta Breakfast Club” and its super known in the Atlanta community. I walk in and get seated by a guy in a sweater. I ask him if I could sit on the side where there is a blackboard with drawings on it, to gain inspiration for the creative shit I’m about to do. He says that side is not being served so he sits me in the middle of the cafe. WHERE DA OUTLET, all the way across the room. So I open my laptop - around 30% - what da heck. I try and do some work, order a coffee, watch a lot of beuatiful people walk in and out of the cafe. I like people watching, there are so many people in the world and to me they are all not real unless you make them real so I try to learn peoples stories or just learn about people. I feel I suck at doing things with people or I haven’t found the right people but either way Ill figure it out.  I like watching people, talking to people but creating relationships suck unless they have that connection but its hard because ive learned some people don’t have that connection until later and I think its hard for me because lately its been awkward with people and I do not have a best friend, just me. Anyways, after my laptop dies, I sit for awhile until I have the nerve to ask the waiter to move spots. I finally move spots, get busy into work for like 7 minutes but first can we talk about how coffee or caffeine makes me inspired, gives me hope, but also makes me lean and vibrate its crazy. I need that drug in me without that shit. So I decided to not only do work but apply for hella jobs in ATL only applied for two because I got stuck trying to figure out somethings and I want to leave the O but I got some unfinished business there.  I got to stop trying to live my life by other peoples path but Im really not, I just want to move but RUkstyle needs me and the church. Once I get those on the feet I feel like maybe more ideas and opportunities that are more and better for me will come up but I still like ATL. Cant wait to travel more. Anyways, so how got online is that I ask the “ATlatna Breakfast Club”(ABC) sweater guy who now to me seems like the manager, if they have a social media team or marketing team. I let him know Im down for that shit, he asks to see all my stuff, gives me the wifi and everything, because they dont have wifi. Boom online and showed my work to this guy for about 10 minutes and gave him my card hope everything works out! I hate half asking shit so im gonna stop that habit first letts do this shit. Anyways done with ABC, I drive around the area for twenty minutes trying to find parking, park, smoke half the blunt in the parking lot next to a school, forgetting that  I decided to look for jobs at the museums so who goes to a job interview high, damn I got to get my shit together. So I get all my shit, takes me a while but I feel so dope because I love backpacking adventures. So I see that the school is a dope story from the outside so I take some pictures, go back to my car to get my camera manual so I can really get this shit looking nice. I finally get some good pics continue walking to go to a civil rights muesum across the street from ABC. AS I walk there its not cold anymore kinda hot but not too much. Im high as hit and feeling so fucking good. I finally get there and across the street is ATLANTA MISSION: ENDING HOMELESSNESS and I’m so hype because I know I can help in some way shape or form with media so I make note to go to that after the mueseum and find their hr. So I walk to the museum and just off the bat  the building is one of the most beautiful things ive seen, I spend a good hour outside just taking pictures of it. Then I go upstairs to go inside nad they sayits 19 dollars - dude thats all I got let so im like nah lets see how much the other museum is. I call the other museum - 15$ - I can do that but still have doubts. Well, the Coca Cola world is right across from thsi and I’m not really that interested but I do want a glass coke or two for 1.50$ YESSS.  Get two cokes and walk back to the car oh SHIT I need to go to the homelessness place. I finally go there and cant find the door, so I call and they tell me to look online. Figures. Anyways, so now I am back at the car, I put everything up and go inside the school. This school is top fucking notch. Uniforms, tv, and security. I ask for HR - in a meeting but they said they will email me so thats cool! I go back to my car, drive to a gas station near the concert venue  to change its only 230 but I want to be ready. o h yeah did I mention today is the AMINE CONCERT. Anyways so I get dressed for halloween, take some pics, drink a coke, smoke the rest of that blunt nad then witness  THE VARSITY - another well known DRIVE IN restaurant in the community. Im like I got to at least get fries but as I cross the street I see a guy with a broadcast camera on the bridge coming off the high way. So I drive in the resturant parking lot and they have a fucking two story drive in. I go to the second story cause when will I be able to do this again. I take some pictures from teh second floor, of the city and the place and then I drive down cause its not a drive in part just a parking lot. I park and still see the guy with the camera walking away on the highway so I get out and run, in my Jim as Dwight suit feeling like fucking clark Kent with my tie flying everywhere and my curls just bouncing. I catch the cameraman and ask him what is happening with film and photography in ATL, any spots? He says he moved here from Valdosta and just bought a camera, what a guy. Well I gave him my card and told him my story. He seemed kinda interested hopefully these people call. I run back to my car before its towed or something and look around, therses no’ button like sonic so I go to car with this black lady in a suit she cracks the window and tells me how it works. I wait look at my clock its 245, spend time on thsi or money on the museum. I end up going to teh muesum but see theres only paid parking, cut that shit, smoke the rest of yesterdays blunt WHICH I FORGOT ABOUT and go to find parking for the venue takes me about an hour, but I finally find parking for $4 totally worth the perseverance of finding cheap parking. Its right next to the venue but my ass went around and couldn’t find it, I asked a police officer and he pointed me to the right direction. SO THIS PART OF TOWN IS CALLED UNDERGROUND BECUASE ITS ACTUALLY UNDERGROUND THIS CONCERT WAS UNDERFUCKINGGROUND WHAT THE HELL. SO im underground and see a whole bunch of hot girls I mean decent but beautiful waiting in line and this is how the conversation goes.

Me(high as fucking shit): Hey are you waiting for the amine concert? Is this the VIP LINE?

Girls: yes

Me walks to the end of line

Girls: I mean yes but not VIP.

Me: Oh okay

Girls: What are you dressed up as?

Me: Do you watch  The office?

Girls: Yes (get excited) and points

Me thinks I feel a connection that they get that im Dwight so I just jump in the air and squeal: Yo im so glad you get it (walks away happily)

Im not really sure if they got it or I just think they did but I feel bad because I left and I dint know.

Anyways , I realize im hungry as shit so I go find some food. I see this guy who looks cute from behind but not really the face thinking he still cool enough to be my best friend I ask him if he knows any good places to eat, he’s not from here and trying to find the same thing. Im like okay and walk in teh opposite direction on purpose. I wish I could’ve saidwel do you want t look around with me. Thats a good way to make friends but still a lot and I didn’t. Anyways, I go all the way to the other side of town and see a completely Nasty looking asian place, it wasn’t nasty it was actually too hot to tell but it tasted nice asf. Like everything seemed wrong about the place it even smelled bad but I was hungry and I gave it a try. Im proud. So after that I walk all the way back and sit in line waiting for amine. The place is underground so im just glad to be there so hype about it all. I finally get called in with the others with my badge and everything, Im kinda nervous. I see him, still on edge. I show him my video for move the right way, he tells me to send it to his assistants email so I do!, I ask him to guess my outfit (Jim as Dwight) for halloween he doesnt watch the office but his best friend does and loves the outfit and gives mea high five. He asks what do you want to do for the picture I say something stupid cause you and your friends are stupid and he’s like you calling me stupid and im like oh shit NO stupid as in weird. I feel bad now, I take the picture and wait overthinking my life for the show to start. The show is blasting bad boy records and im so bout it. I know every song, I dance to my self in the crowd. I meet some people who seem really cool one person from Orlando too. The opener comes out, Towkio, in his set he asks for dancers, some girls come on stage, INCLUDING ME. The music starts playing and the girls start twerking , almost jump off the stage but instead I start cramping dopes. Amine comes on after that and he’s going in, I wish I knew the lyrics, I honestly truly just enjoyed the concert, I sang maybe 3 songs but Caroline was everything. After that, we dance it out with a dj and im so hype, people say they like my dancing and was happy and left home.after getting lost.

Scorpion Mouth. Celebrating the Inner Self - Exist.

Whoa, How do you start a conversation with yourself. Something you haven't had in a long time. I firstly, get some tobacco and turn on Spotify. Hold on.

The Date: October 28th. 2017. I haven't touched this thing, since the last time I felt alone. Notice how I say feel? I am completely not alone, I have you. You are hearing my mind right now, through my fingers, transcribed to a monitor. Through your eyes, the light shines. Receptors balance the emotions, context. They bend your muscles, in accordance, you have a reciprocated attack. What happened to me this year. Well, for starters, I got honorably discharged from the navy. I Served 8 solid years. Loved, hated it...just like everything else I suppose. I reluctantly got home. I didn't want to go “home”. In my mind, my family needed it more then I did. I felt like I returned for them. With my selfishness aside, oh selfishness, what have you done. We will talk about you later. Noone knows the true meaning of starting over, until you literally start over in a new world. That is what it felt like. What is the first thing you do, when you return, try and adapt, survey the land...analyze the roads to which you will be traveling soon. Try and remember everything, tips and tricks. Reconnect with the people who said that they wish you were back home. Of course that novelty wears off, “the new guy” suddenly becomes the same guy, just years later. That is fine, that is expected, that is life. That was my life for years and years.  What do you do for work? Man, I basically just milked my funds, lived off the land. Traveled, reconnect, travel, reconnect. Months. Then reality sets in, you become apart of the machine and meld into the landscape. This isn't why I came here though, to talk about life. Or the normality of life. The things that everyone goes through. 

I came here for the end. The opposite of life. Death. The death, the rot, the muscle spasm-twitch, eyes roll back, decomposition. I came here to talk to you about what its like to watch something die. I wanna talk about CPR, breathing in, out, watching the lungs fill and shrink. Watching the skin start to fade in color. The tears, the constant overwhelming feeling of watching something you love, fade into the unknown. The future of life. but the death of it at the same time. Such a weird paradox to me, to think, something can die, and become unknown, within the actually living to die, and fade to the unknown.

I wandered a bit. In the darkness. To me at that point, it wasn't dark. Looking back, it was very dark. Something really weird happened to me. Randomly, it makes me so sick at how random it was. I guess I will start with the real reason I came here.

Sometime in May, I met the love of my life. I say that with a lot of weight, I knew from the very second I met her, I loved her. She moved, so beautifully. But with a slight anger, a slight badass blend. It wasn't like I was looking at a golden angel, wings spread. It was like I was watching a real, raw, human, skin and all. It didn't take long for me to realize, she has a lot of darkness in her. I liked that, in a sick way. I love the idea, of someone spilling their guts about how raw life can be. The true feelings. Not some tv show, not staged. Just raw. My life, was dark, but it wasn't that dark. My problems were normal problems. She had a baby, only a month old. I didn't like the idea at first, I probably expressed that in an ackward way. I actually was very wary about it. To the point, where I would contemplate texting her. Up until this point, it was a deal breaker. Something about her drew me in, I could write words all day to the feeling I felt, but I sincerely cant. I am not skilled enough to draw up human emotions like that. I decided very early on, that I would try and do everything I could, to build her spirits. Like a fucked up project. That I loved. So fucking much. Just to talk about things, life, real fucking life.  I knew about a week in, she had a drinking problem. The subject of anxiety was brought up, played off, you know. Noone wants to overload someone with so many different things like that. It is scary, I know I wouldn't. In my head, I knew she was taking pills and drinking. I just didn't want to think it was an issue. I just buried it. I should have left that first week though, that concert was horrible. Some of the worst times ive ever had. Completely lost control of my situation. I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. I just buried it

We would go on walks, and talk about life. One subject in particular was the subject of her daughter, the creation of her daughter, and the future. Where was her dad? I remember vividly thinking, she probably doesn't want him in her life, and he wants too. I couldn't imagine being a new dad, and not seeing my kid. This isn't the 70′s. You don't want to perceived as a douche bag via social media. That can ruin your social standing. with life. In my head I knew he wanted to be in the picture. I also remember her, telling me, he wants nothing to do with her. I said, “So what happens when he gets alittle bit older”. Of course, the natural defense, she says, “Noway, he is a fuck”. Probably alittle more summarized, but you get the jyst, I had a full adult conversation, unselfishly delving deeper into her mind about it. Ha, selfish. I remember you. I'm going to take a break for a second. Before I get into the meat, the heavy, darkness that ensues. 

Ok, I am back. the time 8:20 pm.

I don't edit. I don't reread. So I apologize completely. I feel like all that nonsense, takes away from what really matters. What is my perception. What is my vision of the world around me. I am not trying to be biased, or sway judgement, I promise to be 100% fair and just.

I get it, so far you probably feel like something was wrong with me for dealing with the little stuff, if I felt so weird about it. There was something wrong with me, and it wasn't her. So far from her. I wasn't using her darkness to feel better about myself. I wish I could, at not one point did I feel like I was capable of feeling good about myself. I dated a girl, for three years, a hard 3 years. Just two people, trying to figure out life. It ended weirdly, so in my mind, I knew there were things I needed to change.  I was depressed. So depressed. The reasons I came home, for being there for my family, turned quickly into realizing, I wasn't really needed here. I could have went anywhere, and everything would have been just fine. That set in so hard. To fully understand you weren't as needed as you thought you were going to be. But I am grown, for seconds in the week, it would flash flood my mind, and as quickly as it was there, it was gone. For split seconds, I would let myself revert back into that mode. I wasn't doing anything, just thinking, no friends to keep my mind off of the shit. I miss that aspect so badly. That got me through everything, someone saying something stupid to laugh at. Someone going through something difficult to make you realize its not so bad.

Wow, this song. “You stay above me forever, like you stay above me now”

Dear in the headlights. Midwestern Dirt. Fucking crazy I'm hearing this. Music helped me, it helped me and her. not once did we hate each other through the music. You cannot lose that. I realize that now. When you love something, you hold it tightly.  I wouldn't say I am a romantic person. I love seeing the girl I'm with happy. I do have this jealousy problem, where I get annoyed when someone else makes my girl happier then I do. I guess, I don't get upset that she is happy, I get upset with myself that I didn't blow that shit out the water and make her happier. Does that make me psychotic? is that normal? How do you google that to see. I never would want something bad to happen to anyone. But sometimes, I do wish things that have happened to me, that they have caused, would happen to them. I guess that's fucked up.

She wasn't a bad person, she isn't a bad person. She was going through a lot of things. I thought I was badass, I thought I was gonna be able to take care of all this shit. My dude hands. handling business. But you slowly realize, no matter how much you have helped people in your life, sometimes, you don't know all of the answers. The biggest problem I have in my life, is getting frustrated that I cannot fix things. I have heard so many times in my life “slow down” “take a breath”. I get frustrated. Panicked. Nervous. annoyed. That whole aspect stretched from making breakfast, to talking to the one you love. It fucked me up. in the end. You don't really grasp it. Until you write it down. When so many things pile up, before you can fix the first instance, it gets out of hand to me. melt down. I say things I don't mean out of frustration. anger. I wish it was something anger management could help with, but I have to much pride to think I cant fix something on my own. How do you even start? Ok break time. 8:40pm

841pm I was thinking again. The direction. The timeline. A few weeks of us hanging out, the news came. Ol’ Boy wants a bit of custody with his daughter. She was in tears. Devestated. I didn't console enough, I knew this day was going to come. No dude, in his right mind wants to not see something he created. I don't care who you are. I remember hearing again, how much of a piece of shit he was for this. I defended him, and remember vividly, getting scolded. taking his side. That conversation was brought up a number of times as an “arguemenet” I created. Sincerely trying to be rational, and reasonable. That isn't what you do to a girl, going through that I thought. She is right, she needs me to defend her, talk shit about him. I just couldn't do it. 8:45pm

851pm This is amazing. The feeling, of talking without worrying about what the fuck I say. 

I want to take it back to the best seconds of our connection. I remember standing in that room. Her baby, in her arms. I just held her for the first time, my girl loved it. I remember so clearly her eyes, they were filled with desire. We never did anything but hug before then, I was scared beyond belief. Never once in my life, have I been worried about a physical connection. She needed it, I needed it, the icing on the cake for us. The third arm to this perfect triangle. I hesitated. And failed. Stupid. I feel like we already did, I felt like we made the most beautiful love through our eyes. All the feeling that comes from it, was there, we both knew it. All but the physical sensation, that mentality never left. Months later, we still made love like that. Passionate. Through the eyes. It wasn't two people trying to be in a porno, it was two people so connected. I don't think I could top that, as sad as it is. That third arm. It was there, 33% of our relationship was perfect. flawless. I remember slowly going outside with her, laying down on that blanket. Commiting myself to a literal perfect existence. If there was a good version of selling your soul to the devil, that is what I felt. I completed a part of life that day. feeling the heaviest amount of passion, I have ever felt. 8:57pm

9:06pm Ok, Yah, that was amazing. Still think about that time everyday. That was the sole memory that kept me alive. Mentally. You couldn't top it. Something out of a movie. I felt smooth, sauve, but it was just us, together, full of passion. That doesn't happen to everyone. I am blessed I got to feel that. She was drinking those days. I was being unsupportive. I didn't understand the problem until recently. Right before mediation actually. When we talked. She was freaking out, didn't ask me how my day was, just completely went on this rant about how her therapist wouldn't talk to her. I didn't realize the significance, until that point. I am incredibly ashamed that I didn't. I knew it was a problem, but didn't grasp it. Sometimes I stay ignorant by choice. Complaining about everything you think is shit, doesn't do anything. Sometimes just keeping it locked away, works. it didn't for this. not at all. I didn't grow up in a home where therapy was “needed”, although looking back, it would have helped...and I probably wouldn't be writing about all this now. I failed her in that sense, not understanding enough. it isn't that I didn't want to, it is just the complete unknown. It doesn't register to me, as something that needs to be addressed, because I lived a whole life without hearing about it. I don't consider that being selfish, not once did I feel like I was better then her. Not once did I feel like I had no problems, even though I was told I thought I was flawless. Told I need to look in the mirror. I guess you could read these, and understand I looked in the mirror a lot. Not many dudes, almost 30, take the time on their Saturday night to write on tumble. not a lot of dudes are as intune to their minds and how things work like I am. I am by no means saying I am better then them, I'm just saying I have tried my hardest to understand. whether it is right or wrong. I have tried...so fucking hard. I don't blame her for her addiction, I asked if it was an addiction early on. I was told it wasn't. I couldn't play ignorant. Another instance where I wasn't making my girl happier then what her pills make her. That is really fucking sad to me. And when I cant fix something, I lose my cool. Ive known that forever. I'm not saying she is the cause, I am just saying, for the first time in my life, I'm talking with someone who amps me up to the point where I am hurting someones feelings. I would never physically hurt anyone. I would never tell someone they are good for nothing. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I would, and did, tell someone they are weak. The saddest moment in my life. To judge someone, based on their own encounters. Fucked up. I regreted that conversation, from the beginning. I remember asking her to stop taking medicine, or don't talk to me. Why? Was that selfish? To want someone to get better? I am at a stand still with understanding that. 9:17

9:31pm I always why we never did anything creative together. I know we both wanted too. Collaborate. Do something amazing. Apart of me thought, she is just going through too much right now, the last thing she wants to do is stretch her already stretched mind. It is intimidating, knowing someone is going through so much. The balance, the middle ground. Of course, of fucking course, I do some fucked shit and say something I don't mean, and that careful tight rope that I delicately tried to balance, begins to rattle and shake. “Don't do that again, you are going to kill us.” I like to think, no one rememebers the good steps of the tight rope, only the sections where your life is in danger. Even though, your life stays constantly in danger. you don't say, “Well I almost died, but those first good steps were so good”. That isn't the human way. We automatically lash out at the chance. You didn't died, but you almost did. ontop of almost dying just by walking acrossed it in the first place. Those kind of thoughts, goon me up. 9:35pm

9:36.

Am I a monster? Jordon surrey, are you a fucking monster. Are you a menace. A psychotic, sociopath?

I keep writing the times. I save it, and then take a second to breath. turn to a different song. This is the most ive written in one session in years and years. I remember when my mom put a word processor in my room. I would write stories. “They gotta make a movie about this”. I wish I still had those. I couldn't imagine what they would say. Kids are lucky, or is that lucky? So have everything you have ever written saved? My ex girlfriend of 3 years came into the picture pretty quickly. Those messeges were saved. Every conversation we ever had. The girl I was with, she read them. What does that do to the dynamic? she has you figured out? Comparing you now, to the you then. without any sort of context but words you wrote. She judged me on those. That was a dark feeling to me. So vunerable, and yet so misunderstood. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It shouldn't have happened. I don't think its selfish to be upset with that, those are not conversations like this. This is pure, mental, public, words. Those were between two people, who were on an unimaginable plane of existence. You cant look at those, and compare. They mean nothing out of context. I speak my mind, me and her, we didn't have the passion me and this girl did. it wasn't the same, but it was what I knew. for years and years. it takes a minute to realize that isn't the girl you were talking to. You wont ever know who that girl was, and that is the saddest part. 942pm

946

I don't really know, if I am a monster. Or what we be happening right now if things were different. If I handled things differently. The main issues were still there. I think if the timeline didn't play out, I think she would still be drinking. Or maybe not, maybe she drank because of me. I hate bringing up the fact she drank, because who the fuck cares. She can drink? it is her body. it is her life. if she wants to do that, she can. If I didn't know her, I wouldn't give a fuck less if she drank. I hated it. I despised when she drank. It was so unattractive to me. It is like holding, the perfect red, shiny apple. Such a great shape. Smell. You want to bite it. But then you turn it around...and its rotten. You have to eat around it...but you cant get close...you don't want that shit even near to your mouth. You had to address that It was there, had to try and get rid of it. Digging it the fuck out. layer by layer, until you hit the core. I knew it was an issue. it was clear as day. Not as clear as my own issues, but it was something that needed to be addressed. I cant remember an argument not consisting of drinking. Such a waste of a good apple. Was that selfish of me? to want to get rid of the rot? Before I bite it, love it, consume it? I don't know.  I miss the good times so much. Half way through these months, I realized we were going to get married. Like come on!? I...Jordon surrey, wanted to marry someone. not just say it, not just express it...but need it. Desire it more then anything. What the fuck?!?!? Life is fucked. The death consumes. I have to take a break, before I talk about what is really wrong with me. What I did wrong. 9:45pm

The day comes. Everything is in full effect. The babies father is back in the picture. I'm at work. I get a call after saying that everything went good. he is coming back to the house, and that she knows I'm probably not gonna feel good about it. I don't. Who would. The most secure person, would be insecure about having the babies father in the picture. Especially remembering back to that first kiss. the first time we locked eyes and made mental love. the baby was right there. she was with us. My time was consumed with making sure my girls life wasn't flipped upside down. and instead of hers being flipped upside down, mine was. The father is given the fucking right, to see and be there for his daughter. there is no doubt about that. That is something that has to fucking happen. and to be even slightly upset for him given that chance is bullshit. He deserves it. It dick, created that child. Just as much as her vagina did. He deserves to see his baby girl. But yet, I still remain upset? I can sort through everything in my head, and avoid the anger being about him getting to be there for his daughter. That isn't my place, to take his place. I helped while he was away. I knew he was coming, and the baby needed a father. Yah, I didn't do enough for her, in the sense. I gave everyone space. Because I knew he was coming back. The only thing that sticks into my head, about the anger. Is the fact that, I know nothing about him, besides the negative shit ive heard. I know he was a drug head. Drunk. unsupportive, child. stupid. couldn't spell. didn't like good music. fake. And boom, he is here. I understand the biase. I understand she will talk shit about him. But I don't understand, why everyone gets to learn about him but me. The only one who fucking supported him seeing his fucking daughter. is that selfish? I don't fucking know. but it makes my eyes well up...just thinking about it. I wish I could shake his fucking hand. and tell him I had his fucking back since the start. jesus fucking Christ. I'm so sorry dude. ive met dudes, who didn't get to see there kids for months after they were born...crying. devastated. sad. I couldn't imagine. I got to take a break. 1007

1010

I want to start this by talking about my insecurities. I know her. I know her desire for a normal family. What would be the easiest way for that baby to be happy. If the bio mom and dad....hashed it out. got it together. and started fresh. I feel like a lot of the anger towards me, is coming from this fact. I was justifiably upset. I can be upset. I was allowed no contact with my girlfriend while she is with him. While he is learning to do the things I did. It is a strange society to think that is how shit works. I was starting to feel like this idea of me being a piece of shit, unsupportive person, was to take me out of the picture so she could start fresh with a guy. she stopped drinking. he stopped doing pills. wasn't that the problem? he probably doesn't even know she was in a relationship. It sounds to me, everyone is doing a lot better then they were a year ago. It also sounds to me, that I am abusive, controlling, inconsiderate, unsupportive, selfish. when I have done nothing but put myself into a position where I had to be for months and months. you couldn't function without those things, and I did up until the very day he came back. the very day she saw him for the first time in a year. This is just me talking through my mind. not once am I saying this is what actually is happening. I am clueless. I am just building a text wall based on the thoughts I have. nothing to sway my emotions any other way right now. just pure feeling. 1016

1020

I went to her house the day after he was there for the first time. Clear head. Just wanted to apologize for lashing out, telling her she brought darkness into my life. She did. but she also brought a lot of happiness that to me, weighed out the vibration on the tight rope. I spent about two hours, just playing with the baby. I wanted to take my girl out, do something, go somewhere to breath. get out of the house. we got around to it. and got our things together and left. When we started driving, of course, the father was brought up. she said she thinks it would help if I had a say in trying to decide the days. That had nothing to do with me, I appreciated the gesture, but I am quick to tell someone when I don't think I need that, if I don't need it. That is there plan, that is what parenting time is for. Nothing else. Hashing out the details of how their daughter is going to be taken care of. Learning how to take care of his daughter without the mom there. by himself. I just made the point, that I didn't understand why I couldn't meet him. Why I couldn't meet the dude who has been taking care of the baby that ive been a placeholder for. Yah that's a strong way to put it, I get it, I wouldn't have been a placeholder...I would have been her dad too. In the spur of things, I didn't put it out like that, she snapped, told me she was sick of dealing with two grown ass dudes acting like babies. I kept my mouth shut. She still is talking, god, she never stopped. I was driving back to her house, and she knew that. she knew talking about it still, was just going to make me realize she needs space. So I kept driving her home, pulled in, she was still talking. I sat there, calm. didn't say a word. just followed my breathing. She got out, I snapped for a second, and told her “have fun with a pill head”. Stupid. I went to my edge again, come on man. You had it going so well, just shut your mouth. If she would have been like, “you didn't say anything, I'm mad at you’ she wouldn't have said “you said something so I'm mad at you”. The tight rope was shaking, violently, the walk to that point didn't matter. The fact that I wanted to take her, and do something productive didn't matter. The fact that I didn't say what she wanted me to say, made me selfish. Was I selfish that day? I don't know. 1028

1029 Why does this all upset me. It doesn't really. It is ecpected, when human emotions are fucked with, anything can happen. This isn't a Hollywood movie, where couples jump in the rain after a good solid dinner. It is real life, real problems. I will be the first one two admit. My scorpion mouth fucked shit. Learning how to deal with someone is what it is all about. She couldn't deal with me, so she turned her head. I am realistic, if she has these thoughts about me, nothing I can say will change that. If she wants to think I am a burden, nothing will change that. I am a grown adult, despite what she wants to believe. It isn't hard to say that she could find someone else. Not me, not him, just someone else who fits her better, who is less of a stress to figure out. If it gets to the point where someone doesn't have enough to offer, then move on. It is 2017. People can come and go, easy if you let them. She was worth it to me, but it was impossible for me to stop the vibrating. The shaking near death. My balance wasn't perfect, but it was great. Given the worn rope I walked. I can deal with the hardest punches. I can forgive. I can let go. If I have without a reason of a doubt, that someone doesn't want me around them, I leave. I left a lot with her. A lot of times, it was because she kept drinking. Yah, she didn't say she didn't want me around, but I hated it so much, I felt like she was doing it on purpose to get rid of me. Lately, ive looked into her eyes, and it goes somewhere else. Something else is taking the time. Something else is consuming her. It used to be me. But I became selfish, or atleast I have always been. Have I? what if I never met her. what if we never met, would she still think I was selfish. Would the dude she would be with, be selfish? is everyone alittle bit selfish. of course. Did I intentionally destroy us because that's what I wanted. Did I selfishly kill us? because I needed it? I don't know. I think she thinks, I did it on purpose. with how much she tells me how selfish I am. Was I selfish when I held her baby? Was that for me? did I just want to hold a baby? was I selfish when I talked to her, about everything, when I gave my input. could I have just hung up, or walked away? Could I be selfish now, if I still need her? is that selfish? do I just fuck shit up, to try it again. out of selfishness. Or am I trying? am I being given shit, and working with what I have? is that selfish, so work with what you have?1038

Does the sound of my voice, hurt her so much. Is it worth it to cut someone out? It is if you are not benefiting. Do I not benefit her? Today, she decided I didn't. And that is ok. That is life. You cannot please everyone. They sometimes think you are not trying. and then end up writing a novel. This is by no means, everything. These are just the things that shake my rope. I will continue this tomorrow. The longer I write, the more I miss her. And that doesn't do me any good anymore. The more time that passes, with us like this, the more these things wont matter to her. the more I wont matter to her. And that is fine, if she is happy. then her baby is happy. and that is life. ill be back.

To comprehend In the middle of the night To break a mood Without tearing up my spine The lights dim On my glow How will I move When this sun sets How will I move When the lights go out Without, My glow I cant shut my mouth, When my mind moves, I cant sleep at night, Without your sprawling roots but that is selfish, I saw her grinding teeth on a rusting spoon She is red, she is ready You danced around with no bones You say it always You did it always. I know, You were in love You said it always, You said it always,

My glow.

1047

March 17,2017 Rosé

170317 ROSE’S POST W/ ALL FAN COMMENTS + ROSE’S COMMENTS [ENG] POST: here’s two more pictures while i’m at it?!?! 🙀🙀🙀💙💙💙😘😘😘 F: show us your face chaeng-ah RS: if you go to instagram you can see my face!! 🙈💙 F: hing… why has it been so long… i missed you… ㅠㅠ RS: ㅠㅠㅠ hing~~~ i’m~~~sor~~~ry~~~ 😿😿😿💙💙💙💙💙💙 F: chaengie why are you so pretty? RS: 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈💙💕 F: chaeyoung-ah where is that!? is that australia?🙊 RS: this picture?? no~~heh this is from the set of the CF we filmed!! 💙🙈 F: chaeyoung-ah who took that picture?? RS: it’s sad but… this time it’s not lalisa photographer but… a staff unnie who took the picture~~~ heheh F: hi bae 💙💙💙💙💙 RS: hi baeeee kekekeke chaeng-kachu kekekeke F: when will your drawings be uploaded… RS: oh yeah! i’ll organize it well and show you some time~~~ 🙈💙 F: i feel this every time i see you but chaeng your hair color is really pretty💙👍 what color is it????? RS: kya~~thank you~~ heheh… what color is it…? orange…??? keke it also seems like it’s turning into blonde…. kekeke F: chaeng-ah! why are you always looking for something in the photo? kekekeke RS: i know right?? hahahahaha what's wrong with me bhahahaha what am i looking for...... hahahahaha F: chaeng… how is today?? are you really busy?? RS: today i went to yoga with lisa and i’m thinking of going to see beauty and the beast soon with my members~ 😘💙 F: ro-chaeng i caught a cold too ㅠ.ㅠ RS: heung~~~~~ ㅠㅠㅠ don’t be sick~~ it was reallyyy exhausting for me when i got sick this time!! ㅠㅠㅠㅠ don’t be sick blink!!! phew ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ F: can you do a solo broadcast like jisoo unnie too? RS: kya~ should i do that? hehehe 🙈🙈💙 F: chaeng!! did you know that there was a typo in your channel+ post last time?? as expected of typo chaeng👍💜💜 RS: heol!! kekekeke really?? kekeke i didn’t know… i should go check~~~ F: chaeng-unnie isn’t my profile picture really pretty? 💙 💙 RS: kya~~~ you changed it heh👏🏼👏🏼jjangjjang F: i have to work but i also want to play with chaeng-ie ㅜㅜㅜ what should i do RS: heh! phew ㅠㅠㅠ what to do about this~~~~ do both at the same time… kekekekekeke 🙈🙈💙 F: You r coming here less often Rosie. Why? RS: gaaahh forgive me~~~ i'll be here more often~~~ F: chaeng!!! why did you wear earphones when watching 23 identities (split)??? RS: 👀👀👀👀 who said that… kekekekeke i was going to wear earphones… but i left them at home so i couldn’t… i was going to wear them if it got too scary… kekeke F: chaeng-ah ㅠㅠㅠ i miss you RS: me too~~ 😭😭😭😭 F: i miss you (whisper whisper) RS: kekekeke (whisper whisper) RS: heol! kekekeke scared-chaeng??? F: chaeyoung ㅠㅠㅠㅠ high school life is too hard ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ chaeyoung i need a comeback RS: hing just wait a little bit~~~~ fighting!! F: chaeyoung-ah i got an IV shot in the morning ㅠ.ㅠ RS: 😰😰😰😰 don’t be like that… don’t be sick…. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ F: chaeng~~ i love you ILYSM💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: ILYSMMMM F: is there an foreign actor that you like? RS: heath ledger… 💙 F: chaeng~ did you find the typo??💕 RS: no… where is it… ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ tell me heheh F: i really missed you!! i’m going home now from college ㅠㅠㅠ i miss the time when you said jaeho!!! ㅠㅠ i miss you RS: jaeho~~ nyeong-an~~~ F: chaeyoung-ah please tell me to cheer up i want your support RS: cheer up 💕💕💕💕💕💕 F: Have you ride hot air balloon 🎈? RS: no i haven't!! i want to though!!! F: are there no more pictures? RS: kekekeke what is this accent! 🙈 🙈 kekeke are there no more pictures? heheh F: can you show us your drawings?~ RS: soon!!! hahaha F: i’m so hungry i have no energy to write comments RS: me too… i’m… so… hungry F: last time at inkigayo lisa went to visit jisoo!! chaengie are you going to go sometime too?? hehehe RS: i’m going to go too~~~~ heheh wait for me…. you never know when i’ll go visit F: yeon-woo too!!!! please say nyeong-an yeon-woo😤😤😤😤 you didn’t forget my name did you? i was the master of receiving mangoes from you when you were in australia 😌 RS: i didn’t forget!!! hehe aeon-woo~~~~ i read your letter recently~~~~~~ F: you're such an inspiring person~ thanks for existing babes 😘💙 RS: awwww sweetie 💙 u guys inspire me more 💕 F: are you looking for a blue balloon?? 😂😂 RS: oh!!! you’re right!! kekekeke blue balloon!!! kekekeke F: chaeng-ah don’t go around wearing thin clothes at night now that the weather got warmer or you’ll catch a cold easily. you just got better so if you get sick again we’ll all be sad… ㅠㅠ RS: ㅠㅠㅠ ok~~~~😘😘💙💙💙💙 F: Are going to watch Beauty & the beast? 😍😘 Iloveyou rosé to the moon & back 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 (Hope your gonna notice me soon) 😘 RS: yeahh i amm!! 🙈💙 awwww i love u guys to them moon and back too 💕💕💕💕💙 RS: the moon**** hahahaha F: you spelled “these days” wrong^^ (in your post on 03/11💕) RS: aha!!! thank you~~~~~ hehe these days!!! F: Want to hear a joke? Where do Australians keep their money? Pocket !! RS: heol!!! kekekekekeke daebak…. kekek F: i want to hear your voice change i personally like your voice in STAY the best RS: 🙈💙😘 thank you~~~ F: if you were to be born again, do you think you would be born as a male or a female ant? RS: ant??? kekekeke F: chaeng-ah i want to listen to your version of ‘Be alright’ hahah 🙈💙💙💙💙 RS: i like that song~~~ be alright heehee F: i didn’t get a reply from chaengie today too.. RS: reply!!! heehee 💙💙💙 F: chaeng-ah you worked hard today too~ if you’re going to watch the movie enjoy it and dress warmly and sleep well RS: we’re going to go watch it soon~~~ heehee we haven’t gone yet because i’m doing Vapp~~~ F: Hi~ Wondering if you would want to have any pet(s) someday?💙💙💙💙 RS: ofcoarse!! i want a puppy one dayy💙💙 F: i arrived at home now keke I’m going to eat bread now… RS: bread! sounds yummy~~~~~ 💙 F: heol you spelled my name wrong again ㅠㅠㅠ heung ㅠㅠ my name’s jae-hoㅠㅠ 😭😭😭😭😭😭 as expected of typo chaeng… ㅠㅠㅠ RS: heol!!! kekekekkeke sorry sorry heheh jae-ho~~~~ heehehh F: unnie do you like babies…??? keke RS: yes~~~ babies are cute~~~hehe F: chaeng~ do you watch any american or english dramas???💕 RS: i watch modern family with jisoo unnie these days kekekeke it’s so funny heheh RS: i cameeee hehe F: unnie did you eat???? RS: yes! i ate with lisa!! F: unnie i love you❤️❤️❤️ thank you for always singing ❤️❤️ RS: no~~~i’m more thankful 💙 F: chaeng-unnie can you say chae-eun nyeong-an once 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: nyeong-an~~~~ F: unnie are you here? RS: i’m here~~~ heehee RS: kekekeke was lisa here too?? F: i recently went to bangkok thailand recently… i’m going back to bangkok next week because i missed it 💙💙 thailand jjang 💙💙 you’re jealous right?? RS: i’m so jealous…ㅠㅠ F: long time no see i came for the first time in a while because i was busy ㅠㅠㅠ RS: hing me too~~~~ it’s good to see you~~~^^ F: chaeng-ah when can i see you? RS: i know right~~ when can we meet~~~ F: chaeng-ah the picture’s so pretty RS: thanks ㅠㅠ💙💙 F: i’m on a train going to seoul right now!!!! have you ridden a train before?!?💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: yes! in australia there are trains but no subways!! F: have fun watching beauty and the beast👍 RS: ok~~i’ll let you guys know if it was fun~~~ F: i followed chaeng!! RS: kya~~~follow chaeng>< F: keke lisa’s in the chatroom she showed off saying that you’re sitting next to her ㅠㅋㅋㅋ RS: ah kekeke lalisa! she followed me to the chatroom!! F: chaengie your heart is so beautiful💙 RS: kya~~~~ no our blinks are more 💕💕💙 F: ㅠㅠㅠㅠ i din’t get a reply ㅠㅠㅠㅠ RS: hing~~~~i’m sorry~~~~💕💙💙💙💙💙 F: chaeng-ah do you know why my nickname is AREA??😉? RS: is it because of blackpink in ur area…?? heheh F: have you listen to ed sheeran’s new album? all the songs are good RS: kya… i like it so much…. 💙💙💙 F: i’m happy on my way home RS: kya~~~ go home safely~~~💕 F: i miss you ㅠㅠ RS: i miss you too~~~~ F: you wrote another typo!! kekekeke as expected typo chaeng cute 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤can you see the black hearts now?!?! RS: heol! another typo…. kekekeke F: chaengie look at mine toooo RS: nyeong-an💕💕💕😘😘😘 F: Taylor vs Martin guitars? RS: heol that’s hard…. i have both!! 😭😭 too hard to choose!! F: i’m here! RS: nyeong-an😻😻😻 F: your waist is so small… were you an ant in your previous life…? 🐜 RS: heol! kekeke an ant? kekeke ants are cute though kekeke F: if you reply i won’t catch you and eat you RS: heol! don’t catch me and eat me😭😭😭😭😭😭 F: chaeng-ah i’m thankful enough that you post on instagram and channel+! hehehe you’re an angel! you’re a fairy! you’re the best! you’re chaengie! RS: kya~~~~💕💕😘 F: i have to go see black pink before i get busier… i miss you chaeng-ah RS: hing~~~ i miss you too~~ F: chaeng because of you that got an A in my exams RS: yay!! congratzzzzzz hahah F: chaeyoung i miss you RS: me too💕💕 F: chaengie do you still go the practice studio often?☺️☺️ RS: sometimes? >< hehehe F: ah what do i do…. i don’t know if i should stay here or go to the chatroom… hing 😭😭😭 RS: kya~~~~~ stay with me heheh F: where did you go??? ah seriously… chaengie is like a ninja… 😂😂😂 RS: no!! i’m still here~~~~>< F: chaeyoung-ah have you had rolled ice cream before? i really want to eat it…. are you buying?! RS: oh!! where do they sell that?? F: is today ending without a reply again??😭😭😭😭 RS: heol! no!! there’s no way that’s happening!!! 💕💕💕💙💙💙💙💙 F: i want to get a reply too RS: nyeong-an😘😘😘😘💙💙💙💙 F: why did you guys wear outfits that you guys wore before when filming the ad??? RS: i know right~~… i guess that was the concept! heheh F: chaeyoung-ah do a mukbang with chichyu unnie ㅠㅠㅠ RS: kekeke mukbang! someday…. hehehee F: chaeng have you never been to karaoke before…? keke since you can just sing at the practice studio RS: i love karaoke 🙈🙈💙 F: I will visit korea very soon 💙 RS: yayyyy hahahaa F: rosé… i miss you ㅠㅠ remember my nickname RS: kekekeke neyong-an >< F: Rosie in our areaa RS: hahahaha rose in our area hahaha smart!! hahaha F: chaeng-ah it must be hard even just reading the comments because there are so many of them, but thank you so much for reading each one and replying because you don’t want anyone to not get a reply!! why am i tearing upㅠㅠ i must have been moved by chaengie’s heart for her fans 😭 RS: 😿no~~~~ i want to read all of them… but there are so many heehee i’m trying to see all of them!!! i want to read all of them!! heehe F: there’s so much aegyo in the way you talk… i want to be like you kekeke RS: heeheh ✌️️💕💙☺️☺️☺️ F: chaengie why are you seriously so cute RS: blinks are more lovely 😘 F: i wonder what the color of chaeyoung’s heart is??? RS: black hehehee ah!! no it’s blue!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 F: chaeng-ah i’m leaving nowㅠㅠㅠㅠ please say goodbye to me ❤❤❤❤❤ RS: ㅠㅠㅠ goodbye~~~ 💕😘💙 F: chaeng-ah there’s a rolled ice cream place in seoul no-won-gu sang-gye-dong!! there’s also one in hongdae i looked it up because you were curious RS: it’s in hongdae!!! i’ll have to go find it someday… heheh F: chaeng-ah when you practice by yourself do you go to the YG building??? or to a practice studio right next to your house???? RS: the YG building! heehee F: chaeyoungie how many ear piercings do you have?? 🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊 RS: i have 5!! hehe F: waahhhhhhh please notice me alsooo😭😭😭😭😭 RS: hii💕💙😘😘😘 F: chaengie has a special skill now replying to a bunch of comments at once kekekeke RS: kekeke it’s because i can’t reply to a lot of comments if i don’t do it like this ㅠㅠㅠ hehe please understand~~~~ F: hing she’s gone again RS: i’m here~~~ 💕 F: chaeng-ah how tall are you?? RS: 168cm!! hehe F: i’m home now tomorrow’s the weekend!!! RS: i’m glad to hear you’re home safely💕 F: do you fight with lisa these days? heheheh RS: we’re su~~~uper close heheh 😆😆😆💙💙💙 F: rose our kind girls. Thanks for making today a bless. I'm happy with your present RS: awwwwww thank u💕💙 F: ㅠㅠ When will you notice meeee RS: hellooo hahaha F: me too 💙 💙 💙 💙 RS: nyeong-an😘😘💙 F: is there a thai dish that you like?? if there is what kind of food is it???? 🙈🙈🙈 RS: tom yam koong!! 😆💙 F: chaeng-ah! can you balance a water bottle on your shoulder too? keke also i’m a blink from hong kong i miss you chaeng 💙💙💙 RS: no… i can’t do that ㅠㅠ hehe hong kong~~~~ hello hehe F: kekekeke RS: kekekeke 💙 F: chaeng-unnie tell us a dish that you can cook!!!!💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙🐣🐣🐣🐣 RS: me…. kimchi fried rice! kekeke F: i’m jae-ho!! rosé is chae-young!!! kekeke how is it?! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: oh!! chae-young kekekeke it’s funny keke F: kekekekeke you’re a angel that gives replies RS: ah! kekeke 😇😇😇😇💙 F: do you like heehee more than keke now? kekekeke ah so cute… 😭😭😭😭😭😭 RS: heol! is it just today…. 😱😱heeheeh kekekeke F: good night sweet dreams 💛sweet dreams 💙 sweet dreams 💜 RS: good night 🌙🌙🌙💙💙 F: i want to write a letter all of a sudden after seeing you. i’m always supporting black pink. you know that blinks love black pink a lot right. i hope you only see and hear good things ah i love you. thank you black pink for being born. what do i do i’m in such a good mood right now RS: hing~~~i like letters~~ everyone writes such good letters… i need to learn~!! F: thank you for remembering my name💙i’m so happy right now i could lift a building💜 i’ll send another letter next week so wait for it!! 💜don’t forget yeon-woo and sleep well today and i love you💙💙 RS: heol! kekeke happy enough to lift a building?? >< kekeke i’ll be waiting heheh F: Rosè do you want to get any more piercings? 💙💙 RS: not yet!! i'm scared to... hahahaha F: which member do you think will get married first? kekeke my vote is on chaengie RS: 🙀🙀🙀me?? kekekeke how scary… kekekeke F: i really wanted to see you play STAY on the guitar RS: hing~ still…. i did a little in the CF this time??? heheh F: you’re doing well these days right? 💙💙💙💙🌹🌹 RS: yes~~~~i’m doing well💙 F: thank you so much for replying to comments like this ㅠㅜㅡㅠ we’ll try harder to make you happy ㅠ chaeng-ah don’t be sick and keep singing the music that you like! RS: don’t get sick either blinks~~ 💕💙i love you~~~ F: Chaeyoung tell me what should I do to get notice by you?? 😢😢😢 RS: hi babe 💕💙💙 F: Where do you put the letters you received from the fans? RS: i put them in a box >< F: I guess today is not my lucky day. huhu. 😭😭😭 still waiting for your reply bae. ilysm rosie bae! 💙💙💙 can you see me? 👀😭 RS: no~~~~~ hi baeee sorry for missing ur comments💕💙💙💙 F: today is totally chaeng-day… chaeng-ie you’re working too hard.. RS: heheh ㅠㅠ it’s because i haven’t come a lot recently~~~~ i wanted to talk a lot today~~ F: have you been mountain climbing before?? RS: no~~ i haven’t~~ F: chaeyoung-ah what do you think it will be like to perform at a university festival?? i want to see our chaengie outdoors too 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 RS: i want to do it soon~~~ i think it will be fun~~~~ i just want to see blinks soon heheh F: Rosé can i hug you?? i miss you alot 😭😭💙💙💙 notice me please 😭😭😭💙💙💙 RS: ofcoarse!!! *cuddle* hahaha miss u too F: did you watch me before you? i read the book today and it was so sad 😭😭😭😭 RS: i read the book before watching it… i cried a lot at the end kekekekeke i was surprised… it was too much… the ending F: chaengie do you like black or pink better? RS: wow… this is hard…. it’s seriously hard ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ i can’t pick ㅠㅠㅠ kekekeke F: sleep well RS: sleep well~~ 💕💕💙 F: unnie have you seen harry potter before? RS: i have~~ harry potter hehe F: ohhh!! then have you been to hong kong before? if you come to hong kong i’ll buy you lots and lots of yummy things 💙💙 RS: not yet!! i want to go soon~~~ buy me a lot of yummy things 🙈💙kekek F: nuna where do i send letters if i want them to go to you? RS: hm…. i don’t know either… if you send them to YG… do they come? to me?? ㅠㅠ kekekeke F: chaeng-ah i really want to give you wobbuffet (a pokemon) soon RS: hing~~~ i tried to get a wobbuffet last time ㅠㅠㅠ i wasted 10,000won ㅠㅠㅠㅠ F: chaeng-ie recommend a song so i can listen to it on my way home RS: hm… Dive by Ed sheeran is really good~ ㅠㅠ 💙 F: here~ unnie~ do you see me? RS: i see you~~~ F: i want to meet you and give you a letter too ㅠㅠㅠ RS: hing~~ let’s meet someday~~~ F: last time during the holidays when you were in australia you threw me a mango remember kekekeke do you have anything to throw me today? ah! throw me lisa who’s next to you RS: i’ll give you my love today 💕 here heheheh F: Omg rosé! Just wanna say that i really appreciate your effort to reply us 😘👍🏻 Rosé jjang! RS: awww no i really appreciate all your lovely comments! i just wish i could reply to every single one of them!! :(( F: I like how you're replying to people RS: i'm trying to get to all of u!! 😭😭💙haha F: where do you want to go on a first date? 😬👉👈🙈🙊💙🖤💜💛❤️ RS: heol! kekeke at a fan meeting with blinks! kekeke with our blinks heheh F: chaeng~ do you like hip hop?? RS: of course i love hip hop hehehe keke F: I am hoping to get a reply from you~~ but i think it's not possible now. good night anyway and don't get sick .. 💙 RS: no~~~ i see u 💕💕💙😘 F: chaeng-ah i watch the video of you saying “어뜨켕” (when she did aegyo) on get it beauty like 94345737 times a day. do you get my love for you?! RS: heol! kekekeke 어뜨케 ….. kekkeke i was so embarrassed i thought i was gonna die…. aegyo… what am i supposed to do… i was like that kekek F: scared-chaengie… i miss you RS: scared-chaengie kekekek what is that! now that i think about it i’m actually brave!!! kekkeke F: but i’m not going to sleep RS: kekeke dont sleep! >< kekeke F: i used to call you “oouje” because for the moonshot ad you said “lip feat rouuje” i called you that since then by myself hehe RS: ah kekekek ouuje? kekekeke F: if black pink has a concert i’m definitely going!! RS: come for sure~~~ kekek F: chaeng-unnie i just finished tutoring and now i’m at a study room ㅠㅠㅜㅠㅠ i’m a high school senior and i just need to work super hard for one year so that next year i can go to black pink performances and fan sign events ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ unnie i’m going to study until 1am so can you encourage me ❤️ RS: omg! seriously hwaiting~~~ i’ll be supporting you!!! heheh F: chaengie do you like mondays??? RS: mondays??? nono ㅠㅠ kekekeke F: i’m only going to use channel+ until this sunday and then i’ll be back in mayㅜㅜ i’m going to study really hard for one month and then i’ll come back in may💙💙 RS: hing~~~ i’ll be waiting~~~ 💙💙 F: unnie thank you for replying to a lot of comments RS: no~~~ you guys probably waited a lot too~~~ F: chaengie do you believe in santa??? 🎅 🎅 RS: santa…? am i supposed to say i believe in it… kekekeke F: is there a word or saying that you like~? RS: a word that i like?? i’ve never thought about it… ah!! kekeke blink… 💕 F: seriously if you ask me to pick anything (i think from a doll machine) i can get it for you ㅠㅠ i want to see you soon 💙💙💙💙 RS: kekkeke kya~~~ i’m excited heheh 😆😆💕i want to see you too~~~~ F: chaeng i miss you...hope you could notice and say hi to me...love yah bae!💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: i baeee💙 F: chaeng what song do you like the most these days? 😁 RS: Dive by Ed sheeran! hehe it’s a track from the recent album… i love it hehe F: ah i’m so curious about the questions kekeke wish i could see the questions RS: i know right… kekeke it must be confusing ~~ ㅠㅠ deke F: I’m a high school senior please cheer me on! when i listen to your voice as i study it gives me strength 💪💪 thank you for singing with your beautiful voice :) RS: hwaiting!!! i’ll be cheering you on~~~~~ F: Missing you😞Everyday, All Day~🎶😭😭ILYSM unniee 🙈💙You are my inspiration and happineess 😭😭🌹 RS: miss u too bae 💙 awww so sweet F: please say hi to me too RS: hi baeee 💕 F: unnie is your second finger longer than your fourth finger? or is your fourth finger longer than your second finger?? there’s a saying that if your second finger is longer than your fourth finger then it means that you have a lot of female hormones and if your fourth finger is longer than your second finger then it means that you have a lot of male hormones… kekeke RS: they’re the same length 😳😳😳 kekekekek F: 💙💙by the way my mom and dad really like black pink songs!! they listen to them in the car everyday keke RS: ah really??? kekeke 👏🏼👏🏼💙😘 F: chaeyoung-ah have you been to everland (an amusement park in korea) before???? RS: i went when i was young!!! ㅠㅠ i want to go again~~ F: rosé! i’m a nurse! if you get sick just tell me… i’ll take care of you💙💙💙 RS: kya~~~~ thank you~~~ 💕 F: please say kekeke RS: kekeke hehe 💙 F: i wrote “ah i don’t need a box” on my desk at school so everyone asks me what that is💜i’m so full because of your love today i won’t be able to wake up if i go to sleep 😘😘 RS: ah kekekkekeke 💕😆💙 F: thoughts on filming the CF??? keke RS: it was fun… heheh💕💙 F: will you show us your krump dancing skills one day ?? 😂💙 RS: ohh im probably not very good so... i'll pass that one hahahahaha 😆😆💙 F: what’s a dream that left the biggest impression on you? RS: i can’t remember my dreams very well… kekke F: rosie when will you cover an ed sheeran song for us💙💙 RS: oh someday!! if i get the chance to!! hahaha F: i was outside and i came inside so my hands are all frozen RS: heol~~~~~ your hands are frozen?? ㅠㅠㅠ no~~~~ RS: i’m going to leave now~~~~ bye😘😘💙bbyeong!🎈 F: chaeyoung can you play guitar with your left hand too? RS: no~~ i am left-handed but i just play with my right hand~~~ hehe F: rabbit or frog? RS: rabbit kekek F: have fun watching the movie! hehe chaeng your fingers must hurt… RS: i’m leaving now~~~ bye🎈🎈🎈it’s okay they don’t hurt hehehe💕💕💙 F: kekeke you said you were leaving but you’re replying to comments until the end! RS: kekekeke 😘😘 RS: bye blinkssss 💕💕💙💙💙💙💙💙 RS: 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 Thank you @hroh for translating..