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mimisempai · 3 years

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Wait for me on the other side 1/8

Summary:

Mobius, a watchmaker, and Loki, a teacher, realize that they are separated by two years of time when they exchange letters from different years in the mailbox of the house on the cliff where Mobius lives. As the two lonely hearts feel they have found their soulmate, will they ever meet?

or the Lakehouse AU that nobody asked for.

Notes:

This is my very first multi-chapter AU. I hope you'll enjoy it. Chapters will be released on a weekly basis.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32948254/chapters/81773392

3772 words - rating G

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 (End)

When two people "connect" the bond between them can be so pure and simple as to stir hearts in heaven.

When they connect in all the right places at all the wrong times, heaven weeps for broken hearts. To heal these broken hearts, heaven breaks time.

—Blithe Spiritus

Loki took one last look through the rearview mirror at the cottage on the edge of the cliff, which was getting smaller and smaller as he drove away.

Shifting his gaze forward, his face slid to the crate on the passenger seat, where Croki, his pet alligator, was sitting.

"I hope you will like your new home..." Loki sighed.

Then suddenly, he braked abruptly, holding back the cage with one hand as it slid forward. Then he backed the car up.

"Shit. I'm sorry Croc'"

He walked over to the mailbox. He put his hand through the window, opened the mailbox and put an envelope inside. Then his long fingers pulled the red flag in a vertical position, to indicate that there was mail. All this under the eyes of Croki who followed with attention all his gestures.

He tapped the top of the cage, "Come on, this time we're off for good."

He rolled, speeding up, refusing to look at the sign for the tiny village his home was in, New Asgard. Loki rolled east, the cliff behind him, then passed a sign: New York, 35 miles.

The traffic became heavier as he approached the city.

After maneuvering through the various streets and making his way through the New York traffic, he stopped in front of an apartment building on a busy street. It was a very recent building, cold and sterile. The contrast with the tranquility of New-Asgard was striking.

He parked, got out of the car and took a moment to absorb the change in his surroundings. Then with a sigh, he began to unload his things.

**********

Loki stopped at the steps in front of the entrance to the imposing establishment - September High-School. He inhaled deeply to give himself courage before moving forward, climbing the few steps and pushing open the heavy door. He entered and walked to what appeared to be the front desk where a busy looking secretary was standing.

Loki asked softly, "Excuse me?"

"Just a minute, okay?"

Loki waited a minute, politely, then tried to get the secretary's attention again.

"Ahem... Excuse me, I need to..."

She handed him a stack of paper, while saying, without looking at him, "Just fill this out and wait for me there, okay?"

Loki handed it back to her.

"No, I'm Loki Laufeyson. I'm a new teacher. I was told to report here."

The secretary looked sheepish, "Oh, I'm sorry, Professor. You need to find Principal Romanov. She should be around here. A woman with red hair, dressed in black, you can't miss her."

He did indeed find the Principal in the hallway that the secretary had pointed out.

Natasha Romanov may have looked young to be a high school principal, but everything about her demeanor, her head carriage, her attitude exuded confidence and authority. She walked quickly down the hallway and Loki, though tall, had a hard time keeping up with her.

The principal handed him a large stack of files as soon as they arrived in her office.

"You will be in charge of the sophomores, this morning you will have three classes to teach and three this afternoon."

Loki repeated to be sure, "Three?"

"That's a quiet day, for a first day."

Loki looked a little dazed, he didn't think he was going to jump into the deep end and thought he would have some time to adjust.

The principal turned around, as if she sensed his hesitation, "The teacher you replaced let us down without notice, and it took us a while to find the right replacement, the students lost a lot of time for their final exams. We have to do our best to make sure they pass."

They walked past a student who was sitting alone on a bench, looking sulky. Romanov motioned to a supervisor.

"What's he doing here?"

The supervisor replied, "He was grounded because he took apart a computer to prove Professor Banner wrong and has to do an hour of gym under Professor Odinson's supervision. However, I can't leave the place unattended, and I was waiting for my backup to take him there.

"Peter get up," said principal Romanov in a sharp tone.

The young man stood up, a sulky look on his face.

"Professor Laufeyson, take him to Professor Odinson in the gym and then you can begin your lessons in this class."

The principal pointed to the door of the classroom in question, then turned and walked back to her office, not waiting for an answer.

"Well come with me, Mister...?"

The young boy followed his lead and replied with a pouty tone, "Parker, Peter Parker. »

"Then let's go Mr. Parker, the computer dismantler." replied Loki with a wink. He knew he couldn't condone what the young man had done, but he couldn't help but find it amusing.

Seeing that the professor didn't look reproachful as he said these words, Peter lost his pout and got a small smile.

"Although I'm curious as to what could have caused you to disassemble a computer."

Peter seemed to come back to life, explained to an amused Loki, that Professor Banner, who taught biology, had said that nothing could compare to the complex construction that was a living being and Peter had wanted to show him the opposite by dismantling the Professor's laptop.

"But I was about to put it back together though, I don't understand why he got so upset."

Loki couldn't help but laugh.

Peter's face frowned because they had arrived at the gym.

They walked through the door and there a giant blonde man came striding in, "Peter Parker, it's been so long! Tell me what you've been up to again." he ruffled Peter's hair who tried to shy away from it, then he held out his hand to Loki who had to hold back a wince at the strength of the professor's grip.

"Professor Odinson, but call me Thor. Nice to meet you. New professor?"

"Yes, I am the new literature professor, Loki Laufeyson, but call me Loki. I'll leave this promising young man to you," He winked at Peter before continuing, "as for me I'll be teaching my first class."

"Welcome here, and good luck!" threw Thor at him before turning back to Peter, "Go change, we'll start with 10 laps running around the basketball court."

Hearing Peter's grumbles, Loki smiled as he walked away.

A few minutes later, he stopped outside his classroom door and took a deep breath.

"It takes a little time to adjust, but most of the students here are exceptional and the teaching staff is really, really nice."

Loki turned to see who had just spoken.

He found himself facing a black man, taller than him, and very impressive. But despite his imposing nature, his smile and eyes were very warm as he held out his hand. "Heimdall, art professor, welcome."

Loki grasped it and replied, "Loki, literature professor."

Heimdall gave a small nod in the direction of the door, "Good luck." then walked away.

Loki, surprisingly relaxed following this little interlude, walked through the classroom door with a confident air, placed his belongings on the desk and with an engaging smile on his lips addressed his first students, "Hello, I am your new literature teacher and I hope we will work well together."

He paused, letting his gaze roam over the entire class before continuing,"O Captain! My Captain! Who knows where that came from? No one? No idea? It's-"

A young boy raised his hand at the back of the classroom.

"Yes Mister...?"

"Keener, Harley Keener."

"All right Mister Keener, I'm listening."

"It's a Walt Whitman poem about Abraham Lincoln. And it's plagiarism of Professor Keating's introduction played by Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society."

Loki didn't lose his confidence at all and replied, "Thank you Mr. Keener. I'm not going to apologize for the plagiarism. I didn't expect anyone to contradict me since this film was released long before you were all born. Thank you, Mr. Keener, for setting me straight. I won't ask you to call me Captain, Sir, or Professor, but simply Loki. Yes, Mr. Keener, Loki, as in the Norse god of mischief... "

The whole class, including Harley, laughed and Loki thought that it wasn't such a bad start.

But he still felt exhausted at the end of the day, and he slumped into the chair at his assigned desk in the teacher's lounge. He leaned in and put his head back, closing his eyes.

"So they've worn you out already?" it was the deep voice, which he recognized as Heimdall's. He opened his eyes to see that the art professor had sat just at the desk next to him.

"Yet the Famous Five keep talking about Loki, the new professor who is super cool. It's been a long time since I've heard a literature professor on such good terms." It was Thor who came to join them and pulled a chair to sit in the space between Heimdall and Loki.

"The Famous Five?"

Thor chuckled before answering, "They're called that because they're always stuffed together, probably five of the smartest minds in this elite school, and as a result always going out on the town to..."

"…the benefit of science." finished Heimdall.

"That's their argument every time they get busted," Thor clarified.

"Who are they?" asked Loki, curious.

"There's Peter who you met this morning, he's in the same class as his two childhood friends Ned and MJ. There's Harley who talked about how you put him in his place, when he thought he had fooled you. Captain my Captain huh?"

Thor chuckled before continuing, "and finally Kamala Khan, the newest one, a little brunette, a ball of energy who always wears a big red scarf, summer and winter and who the other four have taken under their wing."

"Interesting..." replied Loki, thoughtfully.

"Wait until you're the target of their prank and we'll see if you find these kids interesting." said an unknown voice behind him.

"Bruce my friend! Were you able to fix your laptop?" exclaimed Thor with a laugh.

Loki turned around, only to find himself standing in front of a man who was a little older than him. He stood up and held out his hand, "Professor Banner, I presume."

"Am I that famous?" the man asked, raising an eyebrow as he shook the outstretched hand in a firm grip.

"It's mostly that I had the pleasure of taking Peter Parker for his grounding to Thor." replied Loki

"That brat..." harrumphed Bruce. "He's smart... but his habit of proving he's always right..."

The other men laughed in unison.

"So boys? Are we having fun?" a young woman with short blond hair stepped forward and held out her hand, "Carol Danvers, homeroom teacher at this crazy school."

"Nice to meet you," Loki replied, shaking the outstretched hand.

Unaccustomed to being around so many people and especially such friendly people, Loki felt a little overwhelmed and suddenly the fatigue of this first day seemed to fall on his shoulders to the point that he had to stifle a yawn.

Thor patted him on the back and said, "I have an excellent remedy for that."

"What is it?"

Heimdall and Thor high-fived each other and said in unison, "The Bifrost."

At Loki's look of complete incomprehension, Carol explained, "It's a bar two blocks away, good burgers, good beer and for good company, that's us." she finished with a wink.

Loki realized they were inviting him to come with them but he hesitated and finally replied, "Thanks. I better not drink tonight. I'm dead."

Bruce retorted, "We're all dead."

"Yes, but I still have a lot to unpack."

They nodded, and did not seem disappointed by his refusal, even rather understanding. Loki really wasn't used to this kind of company.

Heimdall put his hand on his arm and then said softly, "Next time, then."

Loki, not understanding why his throat was tight, simply nodded.

A little later, they separated in front of the school gates. Loki on one side and the group on the other.

" Bye Loki!"

"See you tomorrow Captain!"

Loki lived only three blocks from the school and soon arrived home. When he entered he realized how sterile and cold his large apartment seemed.

He had not yet had time to unpack all his things and the boxes were scattered everywhere. The first thing he had unpacked was Croki's terrarium, which took up a whole room.

As he closed the door, he heard Croki's typical little paws coming and rubbing against him as usual. He patted his head and headed for the kitchen. Croki was a Cuvier's Dwarf caiman. Loki had once wanted to get a dog, but in the animal shelter he had immediately felt a connection with the animal, perhaps because he was different, like himself.

Loki opened the refrigerator which was desperately empty except for Croki's fish ration. He put it on a plate and put it on the floor while commenting, "Need alligator food. And human too."

He was going to have to do some shopping tomorrow.

After snacking on a bag of chips, exhausted, he took a quick shower before going to his room.

"Good night Croki."

His room was as functional and depressing as the rest of the place. He went to stand in front of the window. Outside it was all stone buildings. It was very difficult to even see the sky. He sighed, "What a view..."

He pulled the blinds and went to bed. Once his head was on the pillow, he fell asleep very quickly, which prevented him from thinking too much about everything he missed.

**********

A red pickup truck passed the New Asgard sign before parking at the side of the path that leads to the house. Its back end was filled with furniture and moving boxes. A mustachioed man with gray hair got out. He walked toward the cottage on the edge of the cliff and stopped, hands on hips, contemplating the view.

He opened the door, looked for the electric power meter. He turned it on and went to turn on the light in the entrance and then in what seemed to be the living room.

Mobius examined the place, satisfied. There wasn't much. A stereo, some books, an armchair. But the bare and cosy furniture matched perfectly with the austere beauty of the small cottage. He looked out the window at the cliff. He was going to like it here.

It took him a good four hours to unload his pickup truck by himself and install just about everything he had brought. Once finished, he grabbed a cold beer that he had put in the cooler and while drinking it quietly walked around the house before getting in the car to go shopping at the local grocery store that he had spotted on his way in.

Once he had gone around the store, with his groceries in his arms, he went to put them on the counter.

The young owner and his wife were behind.

"Hi, are you new around here?" the owner asked him.

Mobius smiled and replied, "More or less. My name is Mobius."

The owner replied, "My name is Clint and this is my wife, Laura."

Laura smiled and added, "You're going to like it. Especially now that the weather is getting warmer." Then pointing to the groceries, she added, "We'll get you some boxes for all that."

"Oh thanks." replied Mobius.

Laura fetched an empty box from a high shelf. Now that she was no longer hidden by the counter, it was obvious that she was pregnant. Clint rushed to her. "No, honey, let me."

Mobius looked at them, feeling moved and at the same time fully aware of his own loneliness. He paid, took his box and left, but not without promising the young couple to return.

He parked in front of the small road with his groceries in the back of the truck and noticed the mailbox with its flag up. He stopped and opened it. There was an envelope.

For the new tenant.

He took in the groceries, put them away, made himself a sandwich tray and taking the letter, he went to sit on the armchair in front of the bay window. He put his tray on a small table next to it, opened the letter and started to read.

Dear new tenant.

Hello and welcome to your new home and congratulations, blah blah blah. You have made an excellent choice, New Asgard is a wonderful place and this house is a gem, as you may have already noticed.

I'm sure you'll love living here as much as I do.

By the way, I'm the former tenant, Loki.

Mobius looked perplexed but also pleasantly surprised.

The post office forwards my mail normally, but if something should happen here, because the post service is what it is and we are never safe, my new address is below. Thank you.

Mobius turned over the letter.

P.S.: Sorry for the pawprints leading to the front door. They were already there when I moved in, as well as the box in the attic. I think it belongs to the owner.

Mobius stared at the letter in amusement and could not help but check the end of the letter.

He went to the front door. The floor was clean. Inside and out.

"What did he talk about?" he scratched the back of his head before heading for the ladder that led to the attic. He opened the hatch, poked his head through and looked around. It was empty. No box.

Mobius went back down, shrugged, crumpled the letter and threw it away.

He finished his meal and went to bed.

The next day, in his clock store, while repairing an antique watch with an extremely complicated mechanism, he couldn't help thinking about the letter and its more or less strange ending when he was interrupted by the doorbell indicating that someone had entered the store.

He put down his tools, wiped his hands, and headed for the store.

"Hey Mobius! I made lunch, shall we share?"

It was the bubbly and somewhat invasive, Sylvie. The owner of the antique gun store right across from him.

He replied, annoyed, because she had interrupted his work that he loved, "I can't, I have urgent work to finish."

"Oh come on Mobius, there's nothing urgent about an old watch."

"It is to its owner."

She made a disappointed pout, "Well, okay..." she sighed and headed for the door, then turned abruptly. "Is it true you bought a house? Where is it? How is it?"

Mobius rolled his eyes, used to Sylvie's chatter.

"It's an isolated cottage, in a small village called New Asgard."

"You're sick to isolate yourself like that!"

"It's what I want and I already feel at home there. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get back to my work, which is not urgent." He walked briskly toward his studio, annoyed by the criticism of his choice, and didn't even hear the door close.

In the late afternoon, after his day's work, he decided to repaint the faded fences that lined the small path. The manual work, like his work on watches, helped him to clear his head.

A few hours later, as the day was getting darker, Mobius was kneeling on the steps and applying a new layer of paint to the weathered planks. He finished, satisfied with the result, and began to put his equipment away.

Behind him, a small dwarf alligator trotted along the path. Mobius didn't notice it at first. The alligator sped up and before Mobius could react, he stepped into the paint and left footprints behind him. "Hey!"

Mobius tried to catch the alligator but it ran back inside the house whose door Mobius had left ajar. Mobius was about to follow him, wondering what an alligator was doing here and if he was dangerous, when he suddenly stopped.

On the ground in front of the house, there was a trail of paw prints.

Mobius rushed to the garbage can and searched with determination through his trash when he finally found what he was looking for: Loki's letter.

He stared at it.

Sorry about the footprints leading to the front door. They were already there when I moved in, as was the box in the attic. I think it belongs to the owner.

He remained for a long moment staring at the crumpled note.

*********

Loki went out to have lunch at a place he had spotted not far from the school.

Finding the weather warm, he opened his coat and continued walking.

When he arrived at the place, he sat down on a bench and started to unwrap his sandwich, a book in his hand. He enjoyed this moment of calm, even if the place was crowded on this beautiful day.

Once finished eating, Loki closed his eyes for a moment, letting the sunlight warm him up. Just aware of the surrounding sounds, the water of the fountain, the splashes and laughter of the children playing there, an old man grumbling about global warming, the pigeons landing not far away, hoping to get some crumbs from those who like Loki had decided to have lunch here.

Suddenly, a horrible noise, a high-pitched squeal and a horn made Loki sit up. He suddenly opened his eyes and looked around.

A few meters away, in front of Loki, a double-decker city bus was trying to stop. It was going pretty fast, although you could tell the driver was trying to brake.

Loki registered it all, the noise, the bus, before noticing the gray-haired man standing directly in the path of the bus. There was nothing to be done, it was inevitable and almost immediate, the man was hit by the bus, and Loki, horrified, saw his distant figure fly ten or fifteen feet into the air before crashing to the sidewalk. The faint sound of the impact reached Loki half a second later, due to the distance.

Loki automatically took out his cell phone and dialed 911. As he walked towards the impact point, he gave all the information to the rescue workers, trying to remain calm.

Once he hung up the phone, he started to run towards the lifeless body.

_______

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 (End)

As always, bear with me as it is not beta'd and english is not my native language I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless🥰

#Lokius fic #alternate universe #loki series #loki #mobius m mobius #slow burn #time travel #thor #bruce banner #heimdall #natasha romanov #carol danvers #peter parker #harley keener #ned leeds #MJ #kamala khan #croki

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ningningsdream · 4 years

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keep it low | mk.l

pairing: music student!mark x music student!fem reader

genre: fluff, angst, roommates-to-lovers

word count: 6.5k

warning(s): swearing, maybe a little suggestive (mention of making out and implicit allusion to sex but no smut)

description: in which you didn’t expect to also be a love counselor when you moved in with your new roommate.

a/n: this is apart of my new series of roommates-to-lovers with the dreamies, sweet life

main masterlist

when you were younger, you’ve always expected to stick with your best friends after highschool, having the best uni experience together, being roommates and all but you never expected almost all of them to either go study abroad or in a university far away from yours. you went to Seoul Music University, a prestigious school you had the chance to attend thanks to your good grades and the entrance interview you nailed a few months before receiving your acceptance letter. the only ‘bad thing’ about being accepted at SMU was that you lived really far away from Seoul but one of your friends who knew people at SMU told you that there was this building known to house a lot of students from the university. even though the building wasn’t linked to the school, it was treated as if it was part of it since most of the person living in that building went to SMU because it was literally five minutes away from the university.

you asked your friend to ask her friends at SMU if they knew anyone who needed a roommate and that was how you ended up with mark lee’s number.

you: hey, is this mark?

possible future roommate: uhm yes? who is this?

you: im y/n, my friend gave me your number because your friends said you were looking for a roommate? and im actually looking for a place to live

possible future roommate: oh right!

possible future roommate: do you want to come see the place tomorrow?

you: mmh yeah that would be great

possible future roommate: great, just text me when you’re downstairs, i’ll come and get you

you: you’re not a creepy dude that’s going to kill me right?

possible future roommate: no

possible future roommate: even if i was, i wouldn’t admit it

you: really reassuring 😭

the first time you met mark, let’s just say that you didn’t expect him to look like that. you didn’t know what you were expecting but surely not a cute guy with glasses and a dorky smile. as for mark, he almost fell on the floor when he first saw you -literally, his feet somehow got tangled-, he was nervous about the possible idea of having a girl as a roommate. to end the awkward silence he asked you questions about yourself which you returned.

mark learned that you were starting your first year at SMU, that you were going to study musical analysis and songwriting and that you needed a place to stay because your hometown was far away whereas you learned that mark was already in his second year at SMU making him one year older than you, that he was studying musical composition and sounds aesthetics and that his ex-roommate moved out to move in with his girlfriend.

mark gave you a little apartment tour which was surprisingly pretty neat. it was a lot bigger and more luminous than you expected. the room that was supposed to be yours was simple yet cozy. mark told you everything you needed to know about the rent, the neighbors, etc. and you agreed to be his roommate.

living with mark was pretty simple at first. you two didn’t really get out of your rooms so you wouldn’t interact often, just short greetings when you bumped into each other in the hallway or the kitchen. but the peaceful atmosphere changed when uni started. you two saw each other even less than before, having different majors and different schedules but you sure were hearing him more.

well not him, his music.

it was pretty soft at first, you could barely hear it but as weeks passed by, the volume became louder and louder. you would sometimes go to his door, knocking on it with an annoyed expression on your face but every time he would open the door with this apologetic face, looking at you like a stray puppy with his doe eyes while apologizing for the noise, promising to turn it down, you couldn’t be mad at him, not with that face.

every morning for the past month, you needed a cup of coffee - even though you hated coffee - to stay awake all day long.

“why are you so sleepy again?”, lia, the only friend that followed you throughout your entire life, asked you as she saw your half-open eyelids.

“my roommate stayed up so late, blasting his music through the speakers in his room. i’m still surprised we didn’t have any complaints yet.”, you said, before putting a hand on your mouth to yawn.

“tell him to turn it down.”

“already tried but it seems like he instinctively turns it back up gradually.”

“then tell him to shut his freaking music off so you could get some beauty sleep.”

“can’t.”

“why?”

“because he always looks at me so apologetically that i can’t get angry.”

“girl, you have a crush on him or something?”

“nah, he just has that kind of face, you know?”

one night, apart from the beats and music coming from mark’s room, you also heard his voice, stopping mid-sentence every time to see if the lyrics were good. this time the song was a lot slower and softer than the usual stuff he would do so instead of keeping you awake, it kind of lull you to sleep. the next morning, you felt refreshed and more energetic as you had your eight hours of sleep.

“you looked better today girl! what happened?”, lia asked enthusiastically as you sat down next to her.

“finally got a good night of sleep.”

during your classes, from time to time, your brain would hum what you identified as mark’s song from last night, lyrics popping here and there in your brain, a mix of the one you heard from him and new ones you just made up. you wrote them down on a random piece of paper as they seemed to be stuck in your brain.

later that day, you were sitting on your bed while going through the list of first years in the composition class to find a partner for this project you have to do for your writing class. every year, students from these two classes would collaborate to create a song and it was supposed to represent 35% of your semester’s grade so it was pretty important. to choose a partner, your professors had made this list thing where they put the students’ music profiles next to their name so that everyone can collaborate with someone that had the same interests musically. the few students you managed to pick already had a partner and the process of selecting other students was already tiring you.

as you were about to dive in the list again you heard mark’s voice starting to sing the same song that lulled you to sleep. you could clearly hear the hesitation in his voice as the lyrics came out. your eyes wandered to the stacks on notebooks on your desk in which was the piece of paper you wrote lyrics to his song on and you thought about it for a moment. should you give him the lyrics you wrote or should you just let him do his thing? after all, he never meant to share the song with you.

after a hot minute of thinking, you stood up and went to your desk, taking the piece of paper out of one of your notebooks and headed to mark’s room.

when he heard the knock on his door, mark thought he knew what you wanted to tell him. he thought it was the usual 'can you turn it down?’ question so he opened the door and went, “i’m sorr-”, but you interrupted him by giving him the paper with the lyrics on it before going back to your room without saying anything. mark stood there with a frown on his face, trying to understand what just happened. he looked at the piece of paper you just gave him and recognized some of his lyrics along with unknown ones. he started to sing it in his head as he closed the door walking to his desk and decided to give it a try with the music.

you sat on your bed, waiting impatiently for his next move. a few seconds later, you heard mark singing the lyrics you gave him to his instrumental and found yourself smiling at how good it was. satisfied with how smooth the song sounded now without mark interrupting himself every second, trying to find better words, you were about to dive right back in that list of students, determined to find a partner when your roommate barged into your room.

“sure mark, come in.”, you said, sarcastically rolling your eyes.

“sorry…”, he quickly apologized, rubbing the back of his neck, “the lyrics you gave me, how-”

“i can hear everything coming from your room mark, the lyrics just popped in my head this morning as your song was stuck in my brain.”

“it’s- it’s really good. the lyrics.”

“well thanks. i am studying that after all.”

“i- uhm…are you busy right now?”, he asked, his shyness taking over his body.

“oh uhm i have to find a partner for that composition-songwriting project.”, you sighed before turning your attention back to the list.

mark nodded a little bit disappointed. he wanted to ask you if you wanted to maybe, possibly help him with his song but since you were busy with that project- wait, he too had the same project to do.

“do you want to do it with me?”, mark’s voice suddenly surprised you as you thought he already left.

“what?”, you asked because you didn’t really hear his question as your focus was on your laptop.

“the project. want to do it together?”, he asked, full of hope.

“aren’t we supposed to do it with someone from our year?”

“i’ll ask mr.kim if i can do it with you, only if you want to though.”, he said, rubbing the back of his neck. you nodded with a smile. now, you could stop going through that hell of a list. after receiving a positive answer from your professors, you and mark started to work on your song.

at first, you thought that the two of you would just work on the project, you didn’t expect to actually get to know your roommate more. you spent the last few nights in mark’s bedroom, working on your song while having some extra fun because your roommate was unexpectedly a bigger dork than you thought.

“how about we change these lyrics to those?”, you suggested, showing mark the two sentences.

the song you were making was supposed to be a sad and heartbreaking one and you wanted the lyrics to hit deep in people’s soul.

“damn girl, who hurt you?”, mark’s question made you smile, satisfied with his reaction.

you yawned a few minutes later, falling onto mark’s bed while stretching, “i’m just going to rest my eyes for five minutes. if i fall asleep, wake me up.”

you opened your eyes and it was the next morning, you panicked for a moment before remembering that it was sunday and that you didn’t have any classes to attend. you rubbed your eyes and looked around the room but saw no trace of mark. you heard some rustling in the kitchen so you walked out of mark’s room, stopping by the bathroom before joining your roommate in the kitchen.

“why didn’t you wake me up?”

“you were so cute, i didn’t want to wake you up.”, your ears perked up at the compliment while mark was trying to correct himself out of embarrassment, “i-i-i mean peaceful, yeah peaceful, you looked peaceful. anyway, breakfast?”

you smiled at how dorky he was, realizing what you’ve been missing out on during the first part of your semester.

“what’s for breakfast?”

“i tried to make eggs but they didn’t turn out great…gordon ramsay would be ashamed.”, mark said, rubbing the back of his neck with a little embarrassed smile.

“it can’t be worse than your curry that smelled like burned chicken.”, you commented, thinking about the time your roommate said he would try and cook something new but it turned out real bad and you just ended up ordering jajangmyeon.

“it wasn’t that bad.”, he corrected softly, earning a look from you which made him admit the disaster that was his attempt at cooking.

“oh by the way, where did you sleep?”

“on the couch.”

“that must have been so uncomfortable, you don’t even fit on the couch! you could’ve just lied beside me, it’s no big deal.”

“i’m a sleep cuddler, didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“i wouldn’t have minded the cuddling.”, you jokingly shrugged as mark felt his ears becoming redder and redder. you took a bite of his eggs and frowned a bit, “they are surprisingly okay.”

the more time you spent with mark, the more you learned to love these little things about him, like how he would get excited and laugh his heart out while clapping hard or kicking his legs or how he played his music a little too loud at night because 1. you were now in the room with him and not trying to sleep and 2. you admired how dedicated he was to his music. even if you still asked him to keep it low when you went back to your room, you would always smile when you heard his music increasing slowly.

mark would also slowly get more comfortable around you, letting his weird but cute little quirks come out more often like now when you two go grocery shopping together he didn’t have to hide his excitement every time he saw watermelons.

“you wanna grab dinner tonight?”, lia aked you as you sat next to her in class.

“sorry, i can’t tonight. mark and i are staying late to record our song for the project.”, you said with a little pout.

“oh so you and mark huh? you’ve become quite close.”, lia wiggled her eyebrows at you, subtly hinting at something.

“well yeah, he’s my roommate after all.”, you simply reply, ignoring her teasing.

“you were still calling him 'your roommate’ a few months ago, i didn’t even know his name was mark.”, lia deadpanned.

“i just need time to get to know people.”

“i’m sure you two will really get to know each other in that dark studio all alone.”

“one, nothing is going to happen and two, we’re not going to be alone, mark asked his friend to sing the demo so we’re not going to be alone.”

“mmmh i still ship it though.”, your friend smirked before turning back to writing her notes.

after your last class of the day, you went back to your apartment to take a shower and chill a little, waiting for mark’s 6pm class to end.

sucky cook 🍳: my class ends in 15 minutes, meet me in front of the room?

you grabbed your bag, put your shoes on, and made your way to mark’s classroom on the composition side of the campus. you took a peek into each classroom to see if mark was in there -thanks to the little window on the door. when you finally spotted him, you waited patiently for five minutes before the door opened, startling you.

“it’s me.”, the familiar laugh made you frown and hit the arm of the person it belonged to.

“marrrk, you scared me! you could’ve opened the door softer goddamnit!”, you complained as you two walked to the studios’ area.

“oh come on, you scaredy-cat.”, he said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and messing your freshly dried hair up.

after you two stopped by the studio reservation office to grabbed the key card of the studio you two reserved for that day, you entered the little dark studio and started to prepare the tracks and everything.

mark’s friend, donghyuck, arrived a few minutes later and introduced himself to you. you discovered that donghyuck was your age and that he wasn’t really a singer or anything, mark just liked the tone of his voice which you agree with. you three were so concentrated on the recording that you didn’t even notice how many hours had passed by until your stomach growled.

“oh wow it’s 8pm already. we should take a break and get something to eat.”, you said after looking at the time on your phone.

“don’t worry, i already took care of that. i texted my roommate to bring us some food.”, donghyuck said.

“oh by the way, your voice is really nice. have you considered being a singer professionally?”, you asked him while you three waited for donghyuck’s roommate.

“no, not really. i didn’t really know that i knew how to sing until mark made a comment about it.”

“you should really consider the option though. i’ve never heard a voice like yours, it’s really unique and recognizable. honestly, you could make it as a singer.”

“it’s not that special…”, mark quietly said, hiding the sulkiness in his voice.

donghyuck eyed mark as the two of you started to argue -not really- on donghyuck’s voice with you being almost more offended at mark’s comment than the one it was about. the younger boy’s eyes went back and forth between the two of you as he would slowly start to realize something.

mark was the first one to tell him that his voice was great and was always the one who praised the uniqueness of his tone so why the sudden change?

was mark lee…jealous?

donghyuck was trying to hide his smile at the thought of a jealous mark lee when you all heard a knock on the door. donghyuck opened it, being the closest one to the door and revealing a short girl behind it, holding bags of food.

“you’re lucky i owe you big time.”, his roommate said, handing him two bags that donghyuck hurriedly took.

“you kids enjoy this.”, he said, putting one of them on the mini table, and then he turned back to his roommate, pushing her outside the studio, “we have to be somewhere.”

before his roommate could even protest, donghyuck had already closed the door, leaving mark and you alone with a lot of questions going through your head.

you two started to eat while talking about your lives, “so how did you meet donghyuck?”

“oh he knew one of my friends, johnny, and we met at a party of his. i thought he was a brat at first.”, mark replied, earning a laugh from you.

“what about now?”

“he’s still a brat…but he’s also one of my closest friends. i-”, mark was interrupted by his phone ringing but when he checked who was calling him, you could see the hesitation in his eyes before he declined it, “sorry, i’m going to put it on mute.”

after mark’s little story about donghyuck puking on his shoes once when he was drunk, not because on the alcohol but just because he wanted to, you two went back to your songs.

“maybe right there we can enhance the-”, mark stopped again in the middle of his sentence to look at the caller id on his phone for what seemed like the hundredth time to you.

along with the calls he has also received some messages which you didn’t read because you respected his private life and at that moment, it was maybe because of your tiredness or just the annoyance of that caller that didn’t seem to understand that mark was busy but you said, “you can answer it if you want.”

“nah, it’s okay. i don’t want to talk to that person.”, mark replied, giving you a sad little smile which you wondered the meaning behind it.

mark continued his explanation and you started exchanging ideas when the caller id appeared, again.

enough was enough for you.

you took mark’s phone and answered the call, “hello, can you stop calling please? we’ll really appreciate it, thank you.”, you didn’t even wait for the caller’s response and immediately hung up.

a sudden feeling of guilt took over you as you realized you’ve just invaded his private life. you shouldn’t have answered that call for him.

without even noticing it you started to ramble, “i-i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have done that. i overstepped-”

“it’s alright, it’s alright. if anything i have to thank you.”, mark reassured you even though you still felt a little bad about the situation.

after you answered that call, the person stopped bothering mark and you managed to finish your song that night. you felt so relieved after that, you had more time to rest and more time to hang out with lia, it felt like forever since the two of you hung out.

“so tell me everything about you and mark? how is it going?”, lia asked, dropping the delivery food you two ordered on her coffee table.

you and lia decided to have a movie night but it was more of a 'catch-me-up-on-everything-happening-in-your-life’ night while you were both eating fried chicken.

“i already told you! there’s nothing between mark and me.”

“you sure of that? nothing happened? at all? not even a tiny teeny thing?”

“well…”

“i knew it! tell me everything!”

“it’s nothing, really, nothing at all. there was just that one time, we were taking a break from the song for our project and i spotted the guitar in the corner of his room so i asked him if he knew how to play. he said yes and you know me i always talk about my life so i told him that i’ve always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. then he handed it to me and told me it was easy, he started to teach me the basic notes and everything, it even came to a point where his arms were around me because he was putting my fingers in the right places and when i turned to look at him, our faces were so close.”, lia let out a little squeal at your story, “but nothing happened!”, you clarified as your friend’s expression changed from excited to disappointed.

“why not?!”

“because- because we’re roommates!”

“so what?”

“it will be awkward if we broke up. i’m really not ready to find another roommate.”, you explained.

“but what if you’re missing on something?”, your friend argued, not wanting you to regret anything.

“i’ve never been really lucky in that area of my life…”, you stated, reminiscing your past relationship.

“you know it’s been a long time right? you have the right to try with someone new.”, lia reassured you, knowing exactly where your mind was going.

“i know but we were so good together, i don’t know if i can ever find someone like him.”

“y/n, sweetie, you’re not supposed to find someone like him. just find someone who can make you as happy as he did if not even happier.”

“i have you, that’s enough.”, you said, wrapping your arms around lia.

“my girlfriend would not agree with that.”, lia replied with a chuckle.

“why not? we could be the hottest throuple.”, you retorted jokingly.

“never suggest that to my girlfriend, she might accept.”, lia said, making the both of you laugh.

before it got too late, you left lia’s apartment to go back to yours. luckily, her building was just a couple of minutes away from yours, so it didn’t take you long to come back to your dorm. when the elevator’s doors opened, you got out and walked to your door while texting lia that you got home safely but when you looked up, you saw mark and another girl kissing in front of your shared apartment’s door. you froze for a moment as your eyes widened, your phone slipped out of your hands and fell to the ground, causing a big and loud noise to erupt, making the couple stop in their heated action.

“i-i-”, you stuttered, picking your phone up from the ground, “i am so sorry. i-i’m going to go…uhm…you guys…continue what you were doing-”

“no, please stay. she was going to leave.”, mark said, without an ounce of emotion in his voice but his eyes were begging you.

the girl eyed you then mark and left without saying a word. mark walked back into your apartment, letting the door open for you to enter. you closed the door and removed your shoes before turning around ready to apologize again but when you did so, mark had already disappeared into his room. you sighed and made your way to your own room. you changed into your pajamas and lied in your bed. you tossed and turned for what seemed like an hour, failing to fall asleep. the previous scene seemed to be stuck in your head, you felt incredibly embarrassed, not only because you interrupted mark and that girl you’ve never seen before but also by the fact that maybe you were starting to develop a tiny crush on your roommate.

after some more tossing and turning, you decided to get up and made your way to mark’s room.

maybe apologizing to him will make you feel more at ease about the whole situation.

you knocked on the door, fiddling with your fingers while waiting for mark to open it.

as you heard the door open, the words immediately came out of you, “i am honestly so sorry about what happened earlier, i know i already apologized but i feel like-”, you looked up to see mark’s bloodshot eyes, sadly staring at you, “are you okay?”, your roommate just sniffed in response which you took as a no. your expression softened at how he looked…lost and conflicted.

“do you think i should get back with my ex?”, mark opened his mouth to ask and his voice sounded so fragile.

“okay…we definitely need to have a conversation.”, you said, putting your hands on his shoulders and turned him around, pushing him into his room. you closed the door behind the two of you and sat down on his bed. you grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it while making yourself comfortable, “now tell me what’s up.”

mark sighed and sat next to you, “the girl you saw earlier is my ex-girlfriend.”

“well if you’ve been smooching her like that then yeah you should get back together. seems like you still have feelings.”, you said, even though you may had a crush on him, you were mature enough to put your feelings aside and answer honestly.

“she cheated on me.”

your eyes widened and you quickly corrected yourself, “then don’t get back with her. never. EVER.”

“but-”

“no but! she cheated on you once, if you forgive her now, she’ll think she can get away with it again because you forgave her the first time.”

mark sighed and looked down, his phone vibrated next to him on his bed, “it’s her.”

“don’t answer! give me your phone!”

“no!”

“mark!”, you almost jumped to reach for his phone and your body was literally crushing his. you grabbed his phone and turned towards him saying, “if she didn’t appreciate you enough the first time, she doesn’t get to have a second chance. please don’t let people you love treat you like shit.”

mark suddenly wrapped his arms around you, squeezing you tightly against his own body. you let out a small surprised noise at the unexpected hug but let yourself melt into it anyway, “can we stay like that for a moment?”

“of course.”, you whispered, wrapping your arms around him, rubbing his back.

after that night, you made a mission to help mark get over his ex.

first step was to make mark block his ex’s number. it was tough but after some convincing talk, you managed to persuade him.

second step was to let mark express what he felt about his ex and the whole situation.

“so you want me to write down…my feelings? how am i suppose to do that?”

“just- just write down what you’re feeling. sad, happy, disappointed?”

“are you sure this is going to work?”

“well, you won’t be a 100% okay but you’ll feel better.”

mark sighed and complied. he looked down at the blank piece of paper and scribbled some words. few minutes had passed as mark tried to word his feelings while you were trying to play the guitar - keyword 'trying’.

“i can’t do this!”, you heard mark complain and put his guitar aside to get up and see how he was doing.

“three words? really?”, you asked, looking at the three scribbled words on the piece of paper.

mark stood up and walked to his bed, “i’m not good at expressing myself with words. you’re the songwriting student here!”, the little pout and frown on his face made your heart do that weird little thing.

“okay, fine. let’s do this differently. tell me how you feel in your own way. let’s start with how you felt when you found out about the whole cheating thing.”, you said while looking at the boy falling down on his bed.

“i-i was…angry? sad?”

“angry at her?”

“at myself.”

“why?”

“i-i don’t know- i- feel like it was my fault. maybe if i was like i don’t know, a better boyfriend? i should’ve...saw it coming? change things? like say ‘i love you’ more often?”

“so what you’re saying is that you’re angry at yourself because you think it’s your fault? you think that you could’ve done something to prevent it like being a better boyfriend or telling her you love her more frequently so she wouldn’t have gone to someone else for it?”, you tried to rephrase his messy thoughts into something less messy and more structured.

“wow, you’re good.”, mark said, pretty impressed by how quick your brain worked.

“mark…”, you sat next to him, “you really should stop blaming yourself.”, you put your hand over his, tapping it in comfort, “what stopped you from getting back with her?

"i…don’t…really know? i guess a part of me had doubts because i felt betrayed. you know, it was my friend renjun who told me about it, she didn’t even have the guts to do it.”

“see, this part of you knows that you’re worth more than that. listen to it more often.”, you commented, flicking his forehead, earning a complaint from him, “feel better?”

“better.”, he let out a sigh as his body relaxed after letting out all those feelings he tried to suppress.

third step was to distract mark from thinking about his ex.

you barged into mark’s room screaming, “get your ass prepped because we’re going out tonight!!”

“what are you talking about?”, mark asked, removing his earphones.

“seoul’s music festival!!”, you screamed, holding two tickets up, “lia’s girlfriend knows someone that got us free tickets!!”

“well, enjoy.”, mark replied, putting his earphones back on.

you frowned and walked to him to remove his earphones, “what do you mean? you’re coming with me!”

“nah i’m good.”

“i wasn’t asking. this is step three of the 'getting-over-my-ex’ plan. you need to get out and have fun. i’ve never seen you go out to have fun even once.”

“that’s an exaggeration. i do have fun…sometimes.”

“when was the last time you had 'fun’?”

“i-”, he stopped to think about it for a moment and realized that he didn’t even remember the last time he actually had fun outside with his friends, “fine, i’ll come.”

you two arrived at the festival and you already felt the vibe of the outdoor event. it had a really strong korean coachella feel to it. there was a big stage in the middle of the grass, multiple food trucks selling delicious foods, and lots of people dancing. you grabbed mark’s hand and dragged him to the middle of the crowd of people jamming to the group on stage. you joined in and started to jump up and down while screaming the lyrics to the familiar song. mark smiled while following your actions, enjoying his time with you. you two engaged into a little dancing relay as each of you did a funny weird dance that made the other laugh.

when the two of you got tired, you got away from the stage and the people to buy some delicious food before sitting down on the grass a little away from the festival where you could hear each other talk.

“i’m curious about something.”, mark said, taking a bite of his food.

“hit me.”

“how do you know all these things about getting over someone?”

“well first, the internet exists and second, that’s what lia used on me to make me get over my ex.”

“what happened?”, mark asked curiously, realizing that he didn’t know a thing about your dating life when you know so much about his already.

“well, nothing bad BAD happened, we broke up because he was going to study abroad and i stayed here. i was expecting it so it could’ve affected me worse than it did i guess.”

“do you miss him?”

“sometimes, but then i don’t know if i miss him or what we had and that’s a whole other question.”, you sighed before checking the time, “oh, already?! let’s go check the temporary tattoo area!”

you got up discarding your empty plates in the nearest trashcan and grabbed mark’s hand for you didn’t even how many times tonight. mark didn’t seem to hate it, on the contrary, he quite like the feeling of your small hand in his and he wondered how his fingers would feel intertwined with yours. the answer is perfectly. as he slipped his fingers between yours, you turned to look at him with a confused look on your face that turned into a genuine smile which your roommate returned.

you got a temporary tattoo of a poppy flower in color on the inner side of your forearm and mark got one of a lion on his ankle (something like this but like a lion).

“i can’t believe i got a tattoo. what’s my mom going to think?”, mark said in disbelief as you two walked back to your dorm hand in hand.

“it’s a temporary one, you silly. stop being dramatic.”, you rolled your eyes playfully at him.

“thank you for tonight by the way. it was really fun.”, mark let you entered the apartment first still holding onto your hand as you replied.

“see, you should go out more often. get laid from time to time, one night stands are not that bad. i’m going to change out of this now, goodn-”, as soon as you let go of mark’s hand, your roommate grabbed it again.

“wait!”, mark pulled you back, his other hand instinctively and gently placed itself on your cheek and his lips softly landed on yours.

you were surprised but kissed him back nonetheless. your eyes closed as your whole body enjoyed how mark was making you feel right now. you both pulled away for air and you heard mark ask, “wanna be my one night stand?”

you searched his face for any sign of him kidding but he seemed pretty serious about it, “this is completely physical, right?”

“completely.”, both of you knew that it wasn’t only physical but it’ll suffice for now.

your arms automatically sneaked around his neck and his hands grasped on your hips, bringing your body closer to his as you two engaged into a heated make-out session that turned into more for the rest of the night.

the next morning, the light of the sun coming through the window annoyingly stirring you out of your deep sleep.

can’t a girl just enjoy her morning free of any classes?

wait. this blanket didn��t smell like yours.

your eyes widened as you looked at your surroundings, blushing at the memories of last night. you lied back in mark’s bed wondering where your roommate was. you grabbed your phone on the bedside table and noticed that mark sent you a text.

sucky cook 🍳: hey, sorry i had to leave, didn’t want to be late for my morning class. wanna grab lunch together?

the text unknowingly made you smile as you got out of bed to get ready. when you stepped out of your building, the sun was high in the sky, the wind was softly brushing against your skin and you felt amazing. making your way to mark’s class, you politely greeted the people you knew in the hallways.

mark was impatiently waiting for his morning class to finish, wanting to finally be able to ask you out on a real date. he would’ve loved to ask you before what happened the night before but he sure was not complaining. you made his heart do all sorts of flips and just the thought of you made him all giggly.

“what’s up with you today? you look extra happy.”, his friend, lucas, asked him, after noticing a change in his 'aura’.

“really?”, lucas nodded as an answer and mark just giggled while scratching the back of his neck, “it’s nothing- i mean- no, no, it’s not nothing- i mean- i-”

“ooooh you got laid.”, lucas chuckled as mark tried to shush him, “i didn’t take you for a one night stand kind of guy.”

“i’m not- i mean, it was but- what if i don’t want her to be just a one night stand?”

“oooh hooo mark lee, yes man. get your girl.”

you waited outside of his classroom like last time while scrolling through your phone when a girl stopped in front of the class and checked inside before leaning against the wall next to the door. you looked at her for a second before focusing back on your phone. she looked quite familiar but you didn’t know where you’ve seen her.

“excuse me, are you mark’s roommate?”, the girl hesitantly asked you, snapping you out of your thought.

oh right, mark’s ex.

“uhm…yes.”, you gave her a short answer, not wanting to continue this conversation but she didn’t seem to get it as she walked closer to you.

“what are you doing here?”

“i’m waiting for-”

“y/n!”, both of you turned to the direction the voice came from and you smiled at the boy walking towards you, “kyunhee? what are you doing here?”

“i- i was wondering if you wanted to, i don’t know, grab something to eat?”, she asked, bouncing back and forth on her heels while holding tightly onto her books.

“oh, sorry. i already planned something with y/n.”, mark said, grabbing your hand and intertwining your fingers together, “see you around, kyunhee.”

you still looked at mark with wide eyes as the two of you walked away, “what?”, he asked, noticing your expression.

“you just completed the fourth step without me telling you what it was.”

“what’s the fourth step?”

“rejecting your ex if they come back.”, you proudly said then added, “even though you didn’t have to hold onto my hand to do that.”

“well, i like holding your hand.”

“i thought it was just supposed to be a one night stand.”, you said, hinting at your previous night together.

“what if i want it to be more than a one night stand?”, mark asked, sending a hopeful smile your way.

“i’d like that very much.”, you smiled back at him, giving his hand a light squeeze.

a/n: alright, i finally posted this!!!!! i hope you like it!! i posted this to celebrate nct 2020 and the two new members hnquhncfjkdfhsyufh i can’t wait aaaah and btw i love jisung’s hair so much rn

taglist: @planetjisungie @thatanonymousgirl-as14 @xiao-zi

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ledamemangociana · 3 years

Text

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for.

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see.

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao.

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

#Mango Goes To Jail #long post #sorry this is kinda depressing #i just needed to vent #im feeling myself slipping into Yet Another Depressive Spell

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jinruihokankeikaku · 3 years

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Reviewing My Top 40 Most-Played Songs: January 1 - July 2, 2021 (Part 1 of 5, #40-#33 & #16)

40. “Chesapeake” by Better Oblivion Community Center (2019) “Even though there’s no one around You broke a leg and the house came down....” I’ve listened to this whole album A Lot these past few months. It’s good music, better lyricism, and superlative acting. I’m always impressed by a concept album that doesn’t market itself as such, and this....is that. I might be just a bit biased as someone who was already a pretty big fan of both Phoebe Bridgers and Connor Oberst, but the fact that their first collaborative effort as BOCC manages to match or exceed most of their individual works speaks well of their “stage chemistry”, so to speak. While I shan’t to speculate on the private lives of the performers, I will go so far as to say that Bridgers’ and Oberst’s portrayals of their respective characters on this album is engaging and compelling storytelling with a remarkable level of pathos and verisimilitude. And I mean they really sell it - I don’t think it’s overstating this album’s case to compare it to the Mountain Goats’ Tallahassee (2002) or Stars’ Set Yourself on Fire (2004) in terms of its synthesis of deeply humanistic romance-cum-psychodrama and witty, listenable indie-pop. This track especially stands out as an authentic and heartwarming/heartwrenching number about the way the distance between us and those we hold most dear can shift at a moment’s notice, with Phoebe Bridgers’ vocal performance especially standing out as one of the most authentically emotional in her catalogue.

39. “Televangelist” by Julien Baker (2017) “Am I a masochist, screaming televangelist? Clutching my crucifix of white noise and static, All my prayers are just apologies.... Hold out a flare, ‘til you come for me.... Do I turn into light if I burn alive?” When I first heard the above passage, the song’s final chorus, I’m pretty sure I immediately rewound the track just so I could confirm what I had just heard. has already been said by many critics, Julien Baker is a really good lyricist. This song’s portrayal of the angst associated with finding and questioning faith, trying to perform and trying not to, and interrogating the relationship between the factions of oneself that are one’s body, mind, and soul is....strikingly raw even in plaintext, and made all the more powerful by Baker’s impassioned line delivery and the track’s sparse musical arrangement. It’s rare that a song has an impact on me that is so immediate and so lasting. My personal feelings about the song notwithstanding, I think there’s something to be said for this particular number’s universalising character, also. Who among us hasn’t interrogated their own desires and motivations, as Baker’s narrator does here? And more to the point, who among us hasn’t done that again after hearing this song?

38. “The Bagman’s Gambit” by The Decemberists (2005) “And from my ten-floor tenement, where once our bodies lay How I long to hear you say, ‘No, they’ll never catch me now.... No they’ll never catch me.... No they cannot catch me now.’” This song is over 16 years old now, but it’s a song I’ve only come to fully appreciate this year. I have mixed feelings about The Decemberists’ discography as a whole - often, I think, Colin Meloy is a bit too clever for his band’s own good, and his band is too damn good for some of his lyrics. That said, this song is a masterclass in lyrical storytelling - explicating only what the narrator needs to say, and implying just enough for the listener to infer what the narrator hasn’t the wherewithal to say. That, combined with the number’s Neutral Milk Hotel-esque bridge, its anti-folk aesthetic, and the sincerity with which Meloy portrays the lovesick, doomed, and (presumably) closeted Cold War-era DC beaurocrat, combine to make a song that I feel entirely comfortable calling the band’s magnum opus. If you haven’t heard it in a while, I recommend giving it another spin; it holds up just fine.

37. “Guitar Hero” by Amanda Palmer (2008) “So what’s the use of going outside? It’s so depressing when people die in real life. I’d rather pick up right where we left, Making out to Faces of Death...” Alright. I’m not going to comment on the authorial intent behind this song and its subject matter, nor am I going to try to defend some of the language Palmer uses in its lyrics. I am Well Aware that my fave is problematic. But this is the song that gave us the line, “And I could save you, baby, but it isn’t worth my time,” which, frankly, is enough to make it a gem in my book. All of my comments here are based on my initial experience of a given song and the reasons I spent so much time listening to it. When I first heard this song, I heard it as a commentary on a dysfunctional-but-addictive relationship and the comparable destrudo-ific lure of rockstardom. And as far as that interpretation goes? It’s right effective. If you ask me.

#36 & #16 “Chinese Satellite” by Phoebe Bridgers & “Chinese Satellite (Copycat Killer Version) by Phoebe Bridgers and Rob Moose (2020) “...but you know I’d stand on a corner, embarrassed, with a picket sign If it meant I would see you when I die. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep It’s just a matter of time before I’m hearing things; Swore I could hear you, through the walls... But that’s impossible.)” It’s hard for me to talk about this song, which is something of a comment on how much it’s influenced me. The number of mornings I’ve spent “walking around in circles” to this song is more than I could count. An awful lot has been said about Phoebe Bridgers and her songwriting in this past year, so it’s hard for me to say anything here that’s not already been said, but with regard to this song in particular, I’d like to point out the way the narrator ambiguates the nature of their loneliness by proceeding the line “...you know how I hate to be alone.” with “I want to believe; but then, I look at the sky and I feel nothing...”, suggesting a spiritual element to a song, which element is later reinforced by both the above quotation “...but you know I’d stand on a corner....) and references to the narrator’s subject having been “...screaming at the evangelicals”. These touches, along with the urgency with which Bridgers portrays the simple vignette of her narrator “walking around in circles, pretending to be [her]self”, make for a pop song that’s both catchy enough to hum along to, and thought-provoking enough to make a listener pause in mid-stride.

#35. “Plea” by Say Anything (ft. Kenny Vasoli and Hayley Williams) (2007) “If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) If you should go, right now (The rain bleeds out, before my jaded eyes...) If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) To live without your love.... I don’t know how.” “Plea” is remarkably lacking in lyrical density, relative to both In Defense of the Genre (the album from whence it came) and to Max Bemis’ body of work in general. This isn’t a bad thing - its simplicity (along with the fact that it features two of aughties pop-punk’s superluminaries on top of Bemis’ own singing and songwriting) makes it stand out on the album as a deeply human longing, and, well....a plea. When Hayley Williams sings, “Make me believe you mean this!” over Bemis’ plaintive bridge-cum-”prayer”, the listener is compelled to follow along - to not only suspend one’s disbelief with regard to the content of the song, but to believe in the sincerity of the song and its creators. It’s easy and myopic to read of Bemis and his band’s work as pretentious or affected, but songs like “Plea” debunk this notion easily, by displaying a level of candour and vulnerability that is all-too-rare in The Genre At Large.

#34. “137″ by Brand New (2017) “Before the Garden, when you were all alone, You made the atom. Was that some inside joke? Open the gates, and then conceal the path, ‘Let’s load the gun and see how long they last.’?” There was a period of about two between my discovering this song, in the first half of 2018, and my writing this today, during which I couldn’t listen to this song at all. Setting aside the complicated relationship many (current and former) fans of Brand New have with Jesse Lacey’s body of work, this song is heavy enough to discourage frequent or casual listening in its own right, as its narrator comes to terms with the impending end of their life (and everyone else’s) in an apocalyptic nuclear war. It’s grim, and unlike much of Lacey’s lyricism, it contains little in the way of comic relief, romantic sentimentality, or typical Third-Wave-Emo melodrama. Instead, its narrator’s sardonic, singsong meditations reverberate against guitar riffs that repeat their melody through a glass, darkly, and garbled fragments of radio or telephonic messages (ostensibly from the narrator or others in his situation). It’s by no means easy listening, and it could be argued that it’s too “grimdark” for its own good, but even so, it’s a triumph of modern rock that manages to stand out even amidst so many similarly distinctive cuts from Science Fiction.

#33. “Dark in Here” by the Mountain Goats (2021) “Did you leave your house in order, when you came for me? Is this really where you meant to be? Just beyond your limits, find a new frontier; I live in the darkness. It’s dark in here.” Not since 2015′s “Werewolf Gimmick” has John Darnielle portrayed so effectively so intimidating a narrator. As the Mountain Goats have surged in popularity lately (especially here on tumblr), there’s been a proportionate surge of critics calling John Darnielle’s songwriting “predictable”,and there is some truth to that allegation. However, I would argue that in the context of the Mountain Goats’ oeuvre as a whole, their consistency in form is more of a strength than a weakness, especially given the diversity of subjects about whom (or from whose perspective) Darnielle chooses to write. In “Dark in Here” (the title track of what is at time of writing their most recent album), Darnielle portrays an eternally headstrong fugitive, renegade, or partisan, hunkering down amidst a stockpile of ammunition in preparation for a last stand against his pursuers. Another artist might’ve delivered the song’s bitter jabs and desperate threats with more aggression, but JD’s increasingly measured and uncharacteristically stable intonation on this track lend the lyrics an aura of menace without which the listener mightn’’t have found them credible. “Dark in Here”, undoubtedly, sounds like a Mountain Goats song. That’s not a bad thing.

#music review #song review #better oblivion community center #julien baker #the decemberists #amanda palmer #phoebe bridgers #say anything #the mountain goats

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foryouthegays · 3 years

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a new journey [dream SMP] stream liveblog and summary

Sellout pog: 0:29:40 (failed), 0:31:25, 1:00:40, 1:50:17

Dog deaths lmao: 0:29:55 (Mackenna), 1:11:55 (Mr. StrangeTiger & Dream has a house) 1:25:40 (ari), 1:30:55 (unnamed), 1:31:08 (Finn), 1:32:07 (Eyebite),

Other: 1:27:05 [about wildfire prevention] “yeah, i was thinking, we could just make everything so flammable, that the flames won’t have time to spread before it's burned down.” I really hope techno never becomes a firefighter

Twitter Summary (i hate it here): Techno and Ranboo find and raid a woodland mansion, and develop their characters’ friendship.

word count full: 1,041

word count summary: 637

word count liveblog: 293

Overall pretty chill stream, good for some techno ranboo dynamics and no real lore

SUMMARY:

Techno starts the stream in his base. While people find the stream, he rambles about how Phil doesn’t ever have time to do plot streams with him, and jokingly declares him canonically dead, and asks Chat if they have a grandpa who could replace him. He does a little advertisement for his new Technoplushie, and mentions that he wanted to have a video out this week, and that he actually edited last night.

He talks about how he lost his in-game notebook, but finds it quickly. He reveals that he’s finally ordered new glasses, good for him, and then shows his chat Ranboos shack. Techno repairs his armor a bit, and then gets a friend for Bob, his cow. He also moves his villagers down to the villager area.

Dream joins the server, and Techno bullies him about his homeless status. Ranboo joins his VC, and Techno threatens his parrots because they make Creeper noises while Ranboo tries to sleep. Ranboo has to leave the call, and restart his computer, due to technical issues.

Techno tells his chat that if they donate a Technopepe ($50, i think?), he’ll name a dog after them. He is immediately overwhelmed by donations and spends several minutes naming dogs. Dream asks him to name one ‘dream has a house,’ and Techno says that that would be the favor. He is also asked to name one Technochan.

The dogs kill several zombies, and Techno eventually finishes with the named dogs. There are around 25 dogs following Techno at this point.

0:27:40 Ranboo gives Techno a present, an Efficiency V, Fortune III, Mending, Sharpness V, Unbreaking III Netherite axe, as a replacement for the Axe of Peace. Techno assures us that his heart is not warmed at all, totally, he is still completely indifferent about this child Phil adopted.

Ranboo mentions that he’s going to find another Woodland Mansion, and Techno decides to tag along.

While ringing the sellout timer, the first dog dies. This one is Mackenna, and they die because of the fireplace. While looking at the fire, Edward hits Techno, and the dogs immediately run and attack him. Edward dies. Ranboo mentions that he liked talking with Edward.

Ranboo and Techno eventually leave, and Ranboo shows Techno the stronghold by his house. They go into the Nether and onto the roof, while talking about past events and Sapnap. They move on to bullying Tubbo about his dying habit.

They make it around 1,000 blocks from spawn, and Techno builds an uncomfortably square portal. They find that they’re too far south, and they go back into the Nether.

Techno starts singing ‘99 bottles of beer’ and i just….love his singing voice so much it’s at 0:48:55 and you should watch it. They make a few different portals, and eventually they find the right area and go to the overworld. They find the mansion, and Technos dogs try to kill the vex. It does not work that well. The dogs do attack an evoker, and Techno gets his first totem of the day.

Two dogs die to a creeper, including one named ‘Dream has a house.’

Ranboo lights a fire in a cat statue, and they watch as the mansion burns to the ground. Techno plays sad music.

They search the chests, which don’t burn, and try to find better loot. They do not succeed.

Techno and Ranboo head back home, and they talk about a random pig who managed to go through the portal in, and then out, of the Nether.

They find a Soul Speed highway, and Ranboo has to explain it to Techno. They talk about miscommunication in Dream SMP, and eventually reach the house. After sitting down all the dogs, Techno goes back up to the sellout timer and ends the stream.

LIVEBLOG:

Starting the streammmmm

0:00:30 “why havent i ordered a second monitor by now” TECHNO

0:01:45 ah yes, philza minecraft is dead crab rave

0:02:15 tECHNOPLUSHIE I WANT ONE SO BADDDD

0:04:05 “apparently, before phil died of old age, he adopted some dude? Idk abt him, i dont really trust him, but hes there” :LKSFJSDF teCHNO thats so rude go apologize to ranboo

0:09:15 ‘i have to be friendly with the other smp players’ yeah, sure, saying LEAVE when tubbo logs in is sooo nice techno gg /s

Techno freaking out over a villager dying is so funny to me

0:13:00 dream is here crabrave

0:19:55 its high risk, no reward, the best kind of strategy

0:25:00 techno ramblin abt youtube stuff is just,,,i love it so much i would love a youtube podcast by him

00:27:40 the gift pog!!

AALDSKFJASDF there goes mackenna, 30 min in. God that was a chaotic moment, first mackenna, then edward, and now ranboo can talk to endermen?? Alright

0:35:50 ‘you know, as an anarchist, i'm all about obeying the laws to the letter’ mhm sure

0:39:50 ‘doesnt dream have a cat? Probably not anymore…’ RANBOO sapnap did not kill patches i promise a;lkdjfasf

Why is sky immune to portals,,,,

TECHNOSINGGGGG 0:48:55

1:09:40 ATTACK MY DOGSSSS :handhska: ATACK MY GOONSSSS

I love how techno just kinda jumps constantly its so cute like he just!! Gotta jump!!! Ik its bc he can see more when higher up but i love it (1:19:40)

1:20:33 break glass to cause fire

TeCHNO JUST SAID MY DEADNAME I HATE IT HERE

#Technoblade

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letterstomilen · 4 years

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i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ.

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

Childe