#hits my brain just right every time
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Song of the Day: January 18
"Settle Down" by The 1975
#song of the day#maybe one of the days I've had the hardest time choosing a song#it might have been 'Royals' by Neon Jungle (Lorde cover) which I talked to Lily about earlier#(the other day when we spent all that time traveling that was almost 'Eight Legged Blues' by Vixy and Tony#I played it for my family in the car on hour three of our drive and it was a big big hit#but it did get very cleanly overtaken by the Diva's Lament after I spent so much time with it on the train)#the original Lorde version of Royals played on Lily's playlist on the first hour of that drive and I mentioned I had a good cover#real good harmonies and neat acoustics in the big room they recorded in#and then today I finally remembered to send the link to Lily so that might have been today's song#or today's song also could have been 'Ringleader' by The Madison Letter which I tried but failed to sing in the shower#(I definitely don't know all the words yet. I did get a good echo off my 'ring-ring-ring-ringleader / ringleader' though which was nice)#and it also could have been 'Salt and the Sea' by the Lumineers which was in my single-song-by-artist playlist accidentally#no artist listed on the track somehow. very strange especially since it is so clearly a Lumineers song. they got the sound you know#anyway Salt and the Sea has some killer lines. 'from the destruction / out of the flame / you need a villain? give me a name#I'll be your friend / in the daylight again / there we will be / like an old enemy / like the salt and the sea'#but instead today is 'Settle Down' which is unbelievably fun to sing just for the way some of the words are pronounced and delivered#hits my brain just right every time#I had to do surgery on some of my poor plants (I can never leave them for so long again) and it was awful but the playlist provides#truly a wealth of song options today
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The real nightmare of Nightmare Time is that there's so little of it
#ethan green#joey richter#starkid#nightmare time#hatchetfield#fanart#my art#sketches#doodles#joey playing ethan is an absolute hit with my brain#cant draw him for the life of me but THIS HAIRSTYLE WITH THAT JACKET??? i'll keep trying until i get it right love this look#soooo#im not usually the person who needs to consume ALL of the media for whatever im into#it just so happened that i kinda have to draw stuff for school anyway and nightmare time makes for a very fun background show#i got used to the format and it gets better with every episode to the point that now that i just finished it i miss it??? already??#its so very nice to have a hyperfixation again especially one that can play in the background as i fight with school stuff and comissions#thanks BD! Its all your fault buddy! ;P#500
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weather's turnin' cold
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#pokemon#swsh#champion leon#assisant sonia#gym leader raihan#three parts of a whole idiot#hi hello! hi. wow I have NO energy recently#got sick 1.5 times. made two cakes of various levels of deflated. walked a lot. slept SO much#and the weather is indeed cooling here! in fact a storm is hitting central vietnam right now#and I uh. I dont think its gonna affect the north a lot. but thats a good thing. I do not envy the folks down there at all...#gonna keep an ear on the ground for them. hope it's all gonna turn out rather uneventful#meanwhile. I draw little comic#this is how I (chronically tropical person) feel whenever I see snow and bare skin in the same frame#it's honestly a bit funny to me always that postwick is southmost and wyndon is like. the center of the north#forest imps leon and sonia vs city slicker raihan. and now temperate beautiful weather children leon and sonia vs#hail/snow/windstorm/humidity rotate raihan#raihan's childhood dream of seeing torrential rain outside and saying 'hm no. I think not' and weather manip hammerlocke into dryness#these are not textual impressions I do not fucking remember how the weather is in in-game hammerlocke. I just think itd be funny#also my brain was doing donuts around like. leon being exasperated at raihan's bare legs every winter#until he went on T and by age 16 he's like oh. oh I get it#(that doesnt last long he's still a frostbait southerner. u see the leggings. u know how it is)#okay. I'll doodle some stuff and transcribe this tomorrow. now I sleep#have a good night lads! bundle up
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cant believe my posts have not been explodinf w notes this is so fucked im drawing grant wilson mitski a pearl
#every time i post and it doesnt hit a specific note target i punch a wall and then immediately start planning the cheapest angst ever#i mean i recognise that my judgement of what is good is different from that of another group of people's judgement#but also im right and making comics is very fun and very COOL god dammit#idk im not very good at drawing art geared towards a fandom audience#and its frustrating every time i try because i can never seem to get it right#guess i'll just stick w sad stuff ig... looks down hands behind back. kicks a pebble.#eh im not that affected its mostly the competitive part of my brain talking
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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and I'm having thoughts again
so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].
like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.
#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was#oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of#anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that#and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it#like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I#would absolutely fall for that#(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck#me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....)#but anyway I just. I don't know#honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not#handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm#insane.#anyway man that was a weird tangent#true tho.#I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit#and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this#like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not#making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything.#fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn#fuuuuck.#personal
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i am still so weak dude even just using the trackpad on my laptop for a minute or maybe even less to scroll on tumblr was enough to make my arm tingly nd numb
#and it just spreads out through my body i am so oug......#i slept since 1pm yesterday to 6am today i think? and i still feel so tired my brain cant function#i just feel so heavy n like even breathing is taking every ounce of energy i have#i dont even know why it's hitting me so hard right now#usually i only pass out once or twice in a month n i recover pretty quickly but this has been rapid fire n constantly getting worse#i dont even think ill be able to go back to silks this week :(#and that fucking sucks not only because i really enjoy it but also it's the only thing that gets me out of the house#it's the only thing i have to use against my anxiety#i just feel like im stuck getting physically worse n because of that ill be forced to mentally regress from all the work ive put in#at the same im. doing a lot better mentally i think just because i hav my partner n being able to spend time w them just. changes everythin#everything is so much better & feels so much more possible#maybe ill be ok if i have that#it's not the full isolation downward spiral that would usually happen#i still have something 2 push myself for#i still have a bit of a continuous thing going im still not. failing? maybe . i dont know#from the second i go 2 sleep 2 the second i can talk to them again i cam looking forward to it i am buzzing#i just wish my body would allow me to have good things o(-<
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My apologies for being kinda quiet today.
#tbh things are#not good for me mentally right now#just a haha funny brain moment#but just hit me that for the first time#I'm not going to have my granddad call and wish me a happy birthday#i got 26 years with him and that's more than anyone can ever ask#but...#that man raised me#sure my parents were around#but it was my grandma and grandpa who raised me#they were the ones i lived with after my parents divorced#and i feel like i should be over my mourning#but i think about him every now and again and i have to push it out of my mind#because it helps nobody if i just...#break down#but i know that it's not healthy to pack my shit away all the time#it's not a good thing to compartmentalize all my emotional turmoil to deal with later#ah...the mind is a funny thing ain't it#i dunno i always figured that he'd be here to see me get married#but things don't always work how we want em to.#i miss him#i miss him and my grandmother so much
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I am thinking about aboybe about the bout the “a king shouldn’t be on his knees” post I made a while back and holy fuck Milk of the Siren is so domineering queen vibes I may need to extend that snippet beyond what I ever initially planned.
Can you hear me? Milk of the Siren has no right being as sexy as it is and I need to put that stupid puppet in situations so badly I’m gjsjskwoz
#-nurture these men pull them out their mess-#-nothing wrong with a little havoc it’s fun when shit hits the fan-#ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME#my brain is so severely rotted right now#I need to#I need#I need to be put down#im just#I am very excited to see my favourite artist of all time live for the first time this weekend#lies of p#I will make every thought I have about music relate to P-man in some way#it’s just the way it is#I would say I am sorry but I am not#jan 2024#🦋 let your conscience be your guide#mdni
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^^^ credit to this 💙gorgeous💙 pic from @moonlovingvampire for driving me back to the palettes because i love everything about it (including the moon lamp *eyes it enviously*)
under the cut, the original suggested colors -
i know it looks for "accent" shades but COME ON
all those soft subtle organic hues and it grabs ... black, and the yellow of the one light in the background? for sure they are contrasts i guess
when i see a glowing moon at twilight it definitely evokes images of ... bees??? warning signs? crime scene tape? lol
#palettes#too good to just admire passively thank you for this it's stunning#like moon sky greenery wood water stone (it think that's granite or similar) and *light*#just everything visually - but also mentally emotionally - satisying to look at#fantastic composition as well - you are so right to be proud#god i love how the moon lamp looks - i keep almost getting one for myself but other things take precedence :/#your plant looks healthy too - all of mine are either going gangbusters with little input from me or like deathly unhappy#the colors are just SO GOOD#however i will mention again how gray is just the weirdest fucking thing in digital shading#like look here: every shade of gray just glows and has subtle hues hidden in it#but when you pull out the individual shades they are SO flat and boring unless you are very careful and picky#like select the wrong area and instead of the depth and luminosity you get like ... minecraft brick or 8-bit videogame 'castle'#just the strangest thing - and it throws all the other colors off bc it looks so artificial#i guess in nature nothing is ever really a flat gray so in the human eye it hits the uncanny valley easily#and the only other time you see unrelieved flat gray is like the painted walls of institutions or whatever#for sure there are lovely soft grays but somehow without the benefit of like ... textural variation on here it's a tough selection#there's your useless observation for the day hah#seriously though thank you again for the photo - it triggered a part of my brain i haven't really been using lately
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also does anyone know a good meal/drink tracker app
#every one i can find so far is like 'track your calories to the dot' and i Do Not Want That#i do not have an eating disorder afaik but for a long time ive kinda. idk how to describe it right but its like i can feel#one lurking in the shadows waiting for me to cross an invisible line#and i feel like calorie counting would probably end up tipping that scale so i want to avoid that#i just want like. a widgit that lets me hit one button and put down 'beefy five layer and a soda' and call it a day#like the tumblr post widgit kinda?? idk#no one told me pelvic floor therapy would include tracking what goes in and out of me but so it goes ig JWBFKSBDKS#/tmi warning#/ed mention#/eating disorder mention#and like i know i could track it in like. a notes app note but i have So Many of those already and cannot consistently keep things#where theyre supposed to be so that would fall apart so fast lmao#same with lile tracking it in a physical journal#the longest ive been able to use anything like that consistently is like. two weeks max and then it just evaporates#from my brain
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i keep forgetting that my boy dunk natachai was in bad buddy
#just now i went to click a video of him singing ''our song'' from bbs bc youtube put it on my start page#and as i clicked on it i was like ''isn't it cute when gmmtv boys all cover each other's songs from each other's series''#and i was also like ''love how he's doing a song from my beloved bad buddy''#and 5 seconds later it hit me#he's got every RIGHT to cover a song from bad buddy bc he was literally ON. THE. SHOW. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️#speaking of i also keep forgetting that gemfourth as well as other msp boys had cameos in bbs#and some even had line lmao#but since i watched (and was obsessed) with bbs waaay before i knew who any of them were#i simply just don't associate the show with them#like dunk and satang appear in a few of the high school flashbacks and even have lines???#and yet my brain does NOT connect them with bad buddy at all#it's very funny every time i rewatch bbs and all the boys just suddenly show up lmao#airenyah plappert#bbs#dunk natachai#adrm
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i put the mAn in the mOoon
i put the diAl in the tOooone
i put the grease on the whEe-ul
i put the sword in the stOoone
…
i lit the southErnnn stAaars
i brought the heathens peaCe
but then i ¿ate? the bird in the bUuush, and someone called the poliiiiice
#something abt the way he sings ‘wheel’ just rly hits the right spot in my brain every time#I NEED THIS BIT JUST ON REPEAT PLS#daisy jones and the six
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my mood has plummeted the past few days because of various anxiety reasons and so ive once again uninstalled twitter on my phone and i can already feel things getting Infinitely Better™️
#like the dread that hits me every time i open that app#because of all the nonsense happening in the world#like i can only take so much national and world news#about how the goddamn whole of humanity is fucked#because of some pieces of literal excrement in power#before my brain explodes#please let me pretend for a while that elon musk doesnt exist#and that people arent in a constant war for basic human rights#please like just for this month so i can remember what it feels like to be filled with holiday cheer
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.
#comin out of my cage and I’ve been doing. surprisingly fine bc no emotions#just ‘is this COVID or am I paranoid and experiencing physical symptoms from how much I am not feeling emotions about family things’#shoutout to [redacted] for tossing some common sense and logic at m earlier about that#anyway briefly let myself have hope and immediately got hit with a grand piano falling out a window a couple days later#but you know what kids? that’s NOT a sign I should just always stay on guard forever#it means it wasn’t wrong of me to try to not be totally in the past and hyper vigilance#and just because I did get blindsided again by. a pretty significant bad development ngl.#it doesn’t mean it has to end MY world right now#and it doesn’t mean I should go totally into hiding again#it means I hung on to 2% of a lifeline this time instead of 0%#and that I am going to get good practice developing brain pathways that lead to healthy and better feeling rebounds#instead of direct trapdoors to draining or damaging behaviors#will I for sure not spiral or fall off a cliff in the near future? no. but every hour and day that passes before I do is incredibly powerful#brain rewiring ftw#shifting focus to making as safe and well-cushioned a place for my nephews and nieces to land when they make it out and need to run#and to evaluating how it feels to have boundaries forming out of the fog#personal#shh katie
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if only i had a better way to explain why i like listening to/watching hamilton on constant repeat when my brain needs comfort but all i can say it that it makes my braincells do this:
#when the autism…#genuinely i don’t understand it#i wasn’t even ever in the fandom ?? like ever???#i first saw it when it hit disney+ in 2020 and i did watch it a couple times but like. no no no#this started at the end of last year#and now we’re to the point where i listen to it every night to wind down#and i’m sick in bed and all i wanna do is watch it#it’s literally ending for the second time today right now#i don’t have interest in reading fic or anything like that. the rhythm and words just makes my brain wiggle#i have about 90% of it memorized by now agjskfjskd#anyway. crazy#lyd says things
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